Monday, August 8, 2016

...and we're back!

Last Friday I updated you on my relationship with the Coros LINX "smart helmet:"

In particular, I mentioned I still could not get the "emergency contact" feature to work, which prompted at least one commenter to point out that a certain popular ride-tracking application will now inform up to three "safety contacts" of your whereabouts in real time:


Beacon shares your location via a text message that contains a simple URL. Any athlete with an iPhone or Android can use it, and any safety contact with a mobile phone and an internet connection can watch your back. Loved ones can quickly tell the difference between “running a little late” and “stuck on the side of the road,” and you can go for big adventures with the confidence that someone out there knows where you are.

Of course, if you forget to turn this feature off then loved ones can also quickly tell the difference between "going on an epic ride" and "having an adulterous liaison with a neighbor."  However, this is largely theoretical, as the chances of a Fred or Frederica cheating on you are virtually zero for the following reasons:

1) No cyclist would use a ride as an alibi for an affair because no cyclist would forego a ride for sex;
2) Even if they did use a ride as an alibi for sex, the cyclist's spouse or partner would see right through the ruse when the cyclist failed to go on and on about the mind-numbing minutiae of the ride for the rest of the day;
3) No cyclist could possibly muster up the energy or desire to start an affair in the first place since cyclists have no energy or desire to do anything that's not riding a bike;
4) Cyclists can barely conceal their upgrade purchases from their partners so there's no way they could also hide the cost of cocktails, dinners, and hotel rooms;
5) Nobody would ever have an affair with a cyclist anyway because cyclists are the most boring people on earth (see 1-4 above).

With regard to #5, if you're wondering how cyclists get into relationships at all, it's because their partners correctly identified them as low flight risks.  Sure, life with a cyclist is drudgery, but at least they're predictable--the exception being professional cyclists, who have more in common with musicians than with their Fredly counterparts:


Though even the pros are comparatively boring.  Consider Mario Cipollini, whose image as a Lothario is almost certainly a media construct of his own devise.  Seriously, there's no way somebody who doped that much could possibly have functioning genitals:


("Is true. 'Cipollini' mean 'small onions.'  Think about it.")

Anyway, all of this is a roundabout way of saying that the Coros helmet doesn't seem to do anything any other product doesn't already do better, including but not limited to: being comfortable; playing music; and telling your loved ones you just died.

Given this, my advice to would-be bike entrepreneurs would be to avoid trying to use technology in order to reinvent the wheel.  (Or the helmet, as the case may be.)  Instead, imbue your product with the elegance and simplicity of the bicycle itself--like this thing, which is basically just a friggin' sack:




Some of the unique features of the Bicycle Porter include:
  • It's fit to the saddle using an innovative design
  • The fabric stitch pattern around the frame
  • The super light weight design
  • Excellent aerodynamic performance because of its position behind the rider
Yes, aerodynamics is the first thing I think about when I look at this, and it's also the primary concern of the sorts of people who need to ride while carrying an entire bag of potato chips:


Though I do admit it would be perfect for a visit to Floyd's marijuana dispensary.

It would also look great with my Victorian bathing tent:


Nothing like waxing your handlebar mustache and pedaling your pennyfarthing out to Rockaway for a day at the seaside.

Lastly, no cyclists in the world have had it tougher than our siblings in New South Wales, Australia.  Stratospheric helmet fines, assaults, exploding smartphones... But now it seems that at long last they stricken a blow for freedom, as they have finally won the right to stand up while pedaling uphill:


(Via Peter)

In a list of amendments to various road rules, Transport for NSW said it was changing number 245 in order to clarify "that bicycle riders are allowed to stand on the pedals facing forward, for example while riding uphill".

It now reads that a rider must "be astride the rider's seat facing forwards", in what a Transport for NSW spokesperson told me was "a common sense change designed to make the rule clearer for riders".

This is great news for the scranuses and vulvanuses of New South Wales, and it's only a matter of time before they'll also be legally allowed to remove one (1) hand from the handlebars in order to take a drink from a water bottle.

54 comments:

Seattle lone wolf said...

Gold?

dnk said...

Silver?

Ted K. said...

159. Will public resistance prevent the introduction of technological control of human behavior? It certainly would if an attempt were made to introduce such control all at once. But since technological control will be introduced through a long sequence of small advances, there will be no rational and effective public resistance. (See paragraphs 127, 132, 153.)

Wrench Monkey said...

What's going on, here? I read it and everything. Is everyone on a summer hiatus?

Richrd Stinks said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ken e. said...

coulda been a contender!

Lucas Tarr said...

Wrench monkey: Everyone is at a party you weren't invited.

Anonymous said...

Floyd is looking like Axl Rose! And have you guys never bought a whole bag of chips and a 24oz of beer midride?

Left Coast Time Zone said...

On the 9th step. Olympic moment, need some Kodak film.

Anonymous said...

lol, good one Snob, so that's why I'm not in a relationship...

Left Coast Time Zone said...

Correction, 8th, Ted's BS counts as not existing.

McFly said...

You could just do it in the minivan. Move all the soccer shit out of the way.

Birds and Bees said...

In time gone by I used to be a competitive runner. One day on a trail run I came across a running shirt draped on a bush off to the side of the trail. I went over to it and as I approached it from beyond the shirt I heard the unmistakable sound of adult recreational entertainment going on.

Matt BK said...

Fourteener.

Name said...

This seemed smartphoned in.

Anonymous said...

Ted K was also short today. Everyone hates Mondays, it seems. Even psycopaths.

Steve B said...

Correct plural is vulvani...

Anonymous said...

For many years, my twice daily urban single track commute in SF took me through a section of GG Park known as "Windmills." One could hook-up and get laid here faster than you can say "laterally stiff." You needn't deviate from the trail but a few feet. I'm sure NYC must have many similar.

http://www.cruisinggays.com/san-francisco/areas/1097-golden-gate-park-windmills/

BamaPhred said...

Scranus

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

twentieth? Scranus!

dancesonpedals said...

You can take one hand off the handlebar?

bad boy of the north said...

I'm sorry...but the bicycle porter from a distace,looks like bozo the clowns adult diaper hanging to dry in the breeze.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Steve B, vulvani and scroti are the plural of but one component, but not of the compound regions which are vulvanuses and scranuses. Sheesh!

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Wait I take that back, Scranus, Scrani, Anus, Ani, Vulvanus, Vulvani. My alter boy days started with the demise of the Latin mass, so I never had to learn Latin.

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

I had a vulvanus for a few hours after a brief encounter with Mr. small onions, the doctors were able to stitch it back together fine but l'odore di quella palla di grasso took weeks of scrubbing to remove.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. BSNYC -

My dog asked me to tell you he thought your helmet test throw video was derivative.

But he's been saying that a lot since he shopped at Floyd's to cater his book club's Kubrick screening.

N/A said...

Looking over those theories about why cyclists are poor swordsmen, I'm glad I've always referred to myself as a "bike rider" and not a cyclist, because my bone-conduction is on point.

Anonymous said...

Floyd Landis = Classy

JLRB said...

Another fitting episode of What the fuck Australia

Floyd - why not

bcstractor said...

You left out the condition where the affair is with another cyclist.

Steve B said...

Lieuteniant Oblivious,
Vini, vidi, vici...
Amazing what sitting in on one 100-level Latin class gets you.
Public school too.

Spokey said...

ridewithgps

has had that tracking for a long time. they call it live logging. i turn it off whenever i find it on (who the hell is turning it on on my phone anyway?) figuring it kills the tiny battery in my phone.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...


Redefining the use case one kickstarter at a time ...



vsk

Spokey said...

given that pretty much all parks and such have a carry-in / carry-out policy these days, i was thinking i could use the The Bicycle Porter. i'm thinking that instead of stopping when i have to "go", i simply set back a little and take a dump in to it while riding.

Stand Up For Your Rights said...

Good news from down under, now Aussie cyclists can ride erect!

BamaPhred said...

Cipollini and The Little Cipo filed suit claiming infringement of trademarked phrase "Live Logging"

Freddy Murcks said...

I know that the weed has a tendency to cause the munchies (I have personally experienced this phenomenon), but Floyd "The Backstabber" Landis might want to lay off the twinkies. Soon, they'll start calling him Floyd "Fatty" Landis. Eddy Merckzz has the fat assed former cycling great thing all wrapped up (that is, wrapped up like the crumbs left after devouring a dozen chocolate eclairs) and there's literally only enough room for one Eddy.

Seamus said...

I don't recall The Cannibal looking like an anorexic, as opposed to some of today's top cyclists.

BamaPhred said...

Cannonball Merckx and Greg LeRound make me feel better about myself. Although they could both easily outride me any day they wish..

Dropper Drawers said...

Good idea Spokey, though the name 'The Bicycle Porter' should be changed to 'The Poop Chute".

Old timer said...

Huh? What?

Anonymous said...

But Snobby, here's what you REALLY (don't) need - check this out

https://shop.cyclingtips.com/collections/fetha/products/fetha-3d-printed-titanium-garmin-mount

I had to check my calendar to see if it wasn't April 1st

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...I don't even have a smarting phone, but I think the app that lets people know your whereabouts--assuming you want people to know--is great, catching cheating spouses notwithstanding.

...Last week there was a report of a young female jogger in Queens, near JFK airport, that was killed while she was out jogging.

...I need a smarting phone, then I need a spouse, then I need a mistress so that I can remember to turn on and off the feature on my smarting phone.

...oh, wait, I'm a cyclist, no one wants to marry me, and no one wants to be my mistress.

P. Bateman said...

do you know what you call a fake noodle?

an impasta

happy monday mofo's

Friendo said...

slow Monday, but you guys still crack me up.

bad boy of the north said...

Distance bad boy.distance.

Arizona hillbilly said...

Putos have all the fun

Dooth said...

Nice helment throw, bro.

Persia said...

Note that the stupid standing up rule change is in New South Wales, not the rest of Oz.

Mind you, I'm a bit surprised NSW hasn't set out to achieve this by banning bike seats.

Jan! said...

I'm pretty sure it is no coincidence that the "inventor" of that Bicycle Porter sack has the same last name as Landis' weed business partner.

Phil Senn said...

@bikesnobnyc The video also "Introducted" the Bicycle Porter. What is that?

dancesonpedals said...

Bicycle Porter is one of the less popular offerings from Fat Tire Ale.

bad boy back at work said...

I owe i owe it's back to work i go.

Anonymous said...

Device