Friday, June 10, 2016

BSNYC Friday Fund Qiuz!

So not only will I be in Portland next week:




As well as for all the concomitant debates about inclusive language:


I'm hoping that by the time I leave town we can agree on a gender-neutral version of the word "bro."  Seems to me you've got to go with "bre" since it goes so well with "ze," but I suppose then you run into the problem of people hearing it and thinking you're talking about the cheese:


By the way, assuming I make it out of Portland alive, I'll then be at University Bookstore in Seattle on June 17th and Rivendell in Walnut Creek, CA on Saturday June 18th.

You're welcome for the incessant reminders.

In other news, I threw a pallid, stubbly leg over the ol' Ritte yesterday:


And pointed it over the George Washington Bridge, where I was promptly admonished by a sign:


"CYCLISTS," it bellowed in all caps:


"Yes?," I replied tentatively.

"SLOW DOWN," it demanded:


"Uh, I was going pretty slow to begin with, but whatever."

I clipped back in and was about to be on my way, but the sign was not done with me.

"HELMET REQUIRED," it ordered:


"Yeah, I'm wearing one," I assured it, giving the accessory in question a little rap with my knuckle.

Hey, if I'm wearing the stretchy clothes I generally top off the ensemble with a foam hat.  It's mostly a sartorial choice.  If I'm going to look like a doofus I might as well go all the way.

The sign was still not satisfied.

"MUST RIDE SINGLE FILE" it boomed:


I was starting to get angry now.

"Look, I'm riding by myself, you stupid piece of shit."

"KEEP RIGHT," it fired back:


Okay, what the fuck.  I'm in a park that was created by Teddy Roosevelt so that assholes wouldn't blast the Hudson River Palisades into rubble for their goddamn quarries.  It's a beautiful day, and I'm savoring my surroundings while riding a machine that produces no noise beyond that of my admittedly loud artisanal hub, and no emissions beyond my own flatulence.

Yet here's this goddamn sign, YELLING AT ME IN ALL CAPS while I'm trying to enjoy nature.  Meanwhile, they let people drive cars through this park for some reason (which is just stupid because there's both a parkway and a US highway Highway right next to it), but I don't see any signs telling them to slow down or stop texting or look out for hikers and cyclists.  It's sublimely stupid if you really think about it.  Basically they decided, "Hey, let's put a giant flashing landscape-ruining sign in the park and tell everybody to make way for the cars."

All they forgot was to add this:


And this:


And of course this:


And rest assured they're prepared in the event that the sign loses power, or if a cyclist naively assumes another sign somewhere is merely decorative:


You have to be a real prick to come up with a sign like that.

Anyway, apart from being harangued by signage it was a lovely ride, and I even passed the Bore Hole:


I contemplated it for awhile wondering what it was, and then I finally realized the bore in the hole was me:


Rest assured I'll be changing the name of the blog in due course.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll feel elated, and if you're wrong you'll see recumbents.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and obey all signs.


--Wildcat Rock Machine




(...to Fredness)

1) What are the symptoms of late-onset Fred disease?

--Hiding bikes from partners
--Paying a clothing company thousands of dollars to "break you"
--Hypothermia and semi-coherent shouting
--All of the above





(The Hövding inflates and then envelops your head like a randy armadillo.)

2) From the company that brought you the inflatable helmet, it's:

--The self-steering bicycle
--The bicycle seatbelt
--The inflatable codpiece
--A bike bell that emails the mayor





3) Michael the Bicycle Man wants to:

--Flatten your bike
--Widen your Q-factor
--Sniff your saddle
--Peer into your bedroom window





4) What are they doing?

--Trying to figure out what determines a bike's "ride quality"
--Trying to figure out how elevation changes affect tire pressure
--Trying to defuse an exploding Fred-bot planted by operatives from a rival group ride
--Testing the new electronic shifting system from Rivendell





5) Why is Chris Horner so upset?

--He was crashed by another rider
--His frame broke
--He dropped his chain
--The Shimano neutral support mechanic just pretended to stop, gave him the finger, and drove off





6) Curling broom technology is now evolving faster than road bike technology.

--True
--False






7) What is Procore?

--A new bladder system Specialized claims will enhance the stiffness, vibration damping characteristics, and overall ride quality of their S-Works frames
--A tire system that involves mounting two tires on one rim and then inflating them independently with a dual-position valve
--A common misspelling of "procure"
--An extremely aggressive and unsettlingly nationalistic genre of punk music


***Special "At Least He Was Wearing His Helmet"-Themed Bonus Video!***



Well okay then.

74 comments:

Ted K. said...

REVOLUTION IS EASIER THAN REFORM
140. We hope we have convinced the reader that the system cannot be reformed in such a way as to reconcile freedom with technology. The only way out is to dispense with the industrial-technological system altogether. This implies revolution, not necessarily an armed uprising, but certainly a radical and fundamental change in the nature of society.

N/A said...

Well, happy damn Friday, Fuck-Os.

misster pissta said...

Thursdays lantern rouge..or podium?

JLRB said...

Top something - saw lots of Friday Freds on my way to work today - a gaggle with packs heading West on the C&O made me jealous - a group in Rapha made me giggle

All in all just glad to be back to riding after a medically forced hi-ate-us

AND - to counter all the negative vibe from the murdering prick from Michigan, on my ride home yesterday at least three cars noticeably chose not to pass me and turn in front of me - they slowed, waited, and then made their turn after I passed through the intersection. IT IS POSSIBLE FOR DRIVERS TO NOT BE DICKS!!!!

DB said...

Ha! Ted is back in racing shape taking the podium.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I was delighted to discover today that the "Orica" in Orica-Greenedge is a company that sells blasting supplies to the mining industry.

How cool is that?

I wonder if they toss M-80's to the crowd from the Tour's publicity caravan.

Anonymous said...

I FINISHED THE RAPHA "SUFFER" RIDE!!!!!!! Top ten you miserable bastards. See you wanna be's back at the villa.

dancesonpedals said...

BSNYC, of the preternaturally loud hub, should demand to be called, "Andy Borehole"

Is there an echo in here said...

Blogger Ted K. said...
REVOLUTION IS EASIER THAN REFORM
140. We hope we have convinced the reader that the system cannot be reformed in such a way as to reconcile freedom with technology. The only way out is to dispense with the industrial-technological system altogether. This implies revolution, not necessarily an armed uprising, but certainly a radical and fundamental change in the nature of society.


June 10, 2016 at 10:04 AM

Blogger N/A said...
Well, happy damn Friday, Fuck-Os.

June 10, 2016 at 10:08 AM



Blogger misster pissta said...
Thursdays lantern rouge..or podium?

June 10, 2016 at 10:12 AM

Anonymous JLRB said...
Top something - saw lots of Friday Freds on my way to work today - a gaggle with packs heading West on the C&O made me jealous - a group in Rapha made me giggle

All in all just glad to be back to riding after a medically forced hi-ate-us

AND - to counter all the negative vibe from the murdering prick from Michigan, on my ride home yesterday at least three cars noticeably chose not to pass me and turn in front of me - they slowed, waited, and then made their turn after I passed through the intersection. IT IS POSSIBLE FOR DRIVERS TO NOT BE DICKS!!!!

June 10, 2016 at 10:18 AM

Blogger DB said...
Ha! Ted is back in racing shape taking the podium.

June 10, 2016 at 10:21 AM

Anonymous wishiwasmerckx said...
I was delighted to discover today that the "Orica" in Orica-Greenedge is a company that sells blasting supplies to the mining industry.

How cool is that?

I wonder if they toss M-80's to the crowd from the Tour's publicity caravan.

June 10, 2016 at 10:23 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I FINISHED THE RAPHA "SUFFER" RIDE!!!!!!! Top ten you miserable bastards. See you wanna be's back at the villa.

June 10, 2016 at 10:24 AM



Blogger dancesonpedals said...
BSNYC, of the preternaturally loud hub, should demand to be called, "Andy Borehole"

June 10, 2016 at 10:28 AM

kenneth said...

tenneth

Andrew said...


BORE HOLE

Anonymous said...

You have to be a real prick to be the Governor of New Jersey.

Some guy from upstate said...

I think "bore hole" is an instruction. Next time, bring a drill.

Old timer said...

Huh? What?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

..."I do not know your name — but thanks to you, I know that heroes ride bicycles."
-Joe Biden to Stamford rape victim

cdinvb said...

Can't ride today. Gotta go see indy films with rich people. There will be wine. And we will be right there. Rubbing shoulders with Rich People. Us, Rich People.

BamaPhred said...

I'm like Jake Blues when he finally "saw the light"
New Jersey has replaced the lecturing, hectoring, soccer mom with an electronic nag.
Where's your helment?
What kind of example is this for the children?
You really need to wear a traffic safety vest like the road workers do.
Why are you out here when it's so busy.

An excellent response would be, "Let's take this to Motel 6" but I'm afraid to get taken up on it.

Everyone have fun this weekend, and if you can't be safe at least be sanitary

Anonymous said...

SHITTYWEEK
FUNNYPOST
RIDESAFE
SCRANUS

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...also this: "At the age of 12, a curious incident set young Cassius Clay on a new path. On an October afternoon he rode his new bike to the Columbia Auditorium. Later, when he went back to get it, it had been stolen. Someone told him there was a police officer in the basement, so Clay went down there. The basement turned out to be a boxing gym—the officer, Joe Martin, was a boxing enthusiast with his own gym. After listening to his volley of threats against whoever stole the bike, Martin invited him to come around to his gym and learn something about boxing."

...the indignities, and consequent dignities, of a stolen bicycle.

Anonymous said...

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign, blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind, do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?

OBEY ALL SIGNS said...

OBEY ALL SIGNS

Freddy Murcks said...

I would have posted earlier, but I made the mistake of watching part of the recumbent video. That video was so boring that I was cast into a sleep so deep I may never fully recover.

Ethnic Cheese Council said...

Fuck Brie. It's bettah wit feta

Grump said...

What is this "Fredtopia" thingy?????



Colin Dunn said...

Hey there Snob, are you going to swing back through Minneapolis and St. Paul again? That last group ride was pretty fun!

Pedantic Twat said...

Mr. Grouch: If the bike had been stolen, how did young Cassius get back to it?

CommieCanuck said...

I disagree curling brooms are more sophisticated than bieks, no one has an electric broom, that we know of yet.
It's Not About the Broom.

The skill and athletics in curling is how to hold on to the ciggie while throwing the rock after 1 or 12 beers, and some cheaters are doping with lite beer. Disgusting.

We should hack the digital sign to read, "Don't get distracted by reading bullshit flashing signs".

Fredtopia is a refreshing beverage made of sugar, C02 and Fred juice from concentrate.

Dave - Everywheere said...

Did I hear you were not going to be in NYC and it's environs for the next few days? You shouldn't be so shy about letting us know about your travels.

Sterling A said...

Gotta go see indy films with rich people. There will be wine. And we will be right there. Rubbing shoulders with Rich People. Us, Rich People.

DO YOU WANT TO GET HEPATITIS C? because...THAT'S HOW YOU GET HEPATITIS C.

leroy said...

Aced the test.

Ride safe all!

And take comfort knowing that the state park in Mr. BSNYC's pictorial has been sanitized for your protection.

My dog insists he saw a sign to that effect.

He adds that his affect ought to affect the effect of that effect, efficaciously effecting and affecting his credibility.

As usual, I'm not effing sure what he's talking about.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...Mr. Dunn,

...Apparently, young Clay's entire career was just and end to beat the crap out of the bicycle thief. No reports yet on who it was, and when he got his bicycle back.

I'd like to know said...

Just what is a "bicycle back" and how do you get it? Is it a spine curvature from hunching over the curly downturned bars of racing bikes?

Anonymous said...

That's a lot of code reference on a single annoying sign. 39:4 only mentions helmets required for the under 17 crowd. 32:14-20 might have something buried in there about helmets, but more likely some vague suggestion that the prick who put up the sign could decide whatever they wanted with a b.s. reference to make something bogus look legal.

http://law.justia.com/codes/new-jersey/2013/title-32/
http://law.justia.com/codes/new-jersey/2013/title-39/section-39-4-10.1/

Pays Attention in Class said...

"That's a lot of code reference on a single annoying sign. 39:4 only mentions helmets required for the under 17 crowd. 32:14-20 might have something buried in there about helmets..."

I think this was covered a few weeks ago...helmets are required in this particular park, not state/city wide.

Anonymous said...

"I think this was covered a few weeks ago...helmets are required in this particular park, not state/city wide."

Sorry I missed the conversation. It's hard, not being a cubicle rat or otherwise tied to a computer, to completely keep up with this blog and its comment section. Nevertheless, the references on the sign don't explicitly justify the sign's content for that park or any other place. All it seems to say, at best, is that some commission can make rules. It doesn't provide any reference to any actual rules, unless the sign itself is where the rule is codified I suppose.

My interest is more in the sign than NJ, a place I'm about as likely to ride as Mars.

Anon 12:55

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That's a looooooooooooooooong home built bent that guy is riding. Long video too. A mimute thirty seconds would have gotten the point across fine. That being said it sure was refreshing to see a couple bros out enjoying the day on their recumbent bieks with out all the crabon and stretchy clothes.

Scranus.

Quasimodo said...

Just what is a "bicycle back" and how do you get it? Is it a spine curvature from hunching over the curly downturned bars of racing bikes?

Actually the large upper back muscles that to give you a hump.

N/A said...

If a Fred were to ride a bike on Mars, what pressure should he run?

A. Critic said...

"4) What are they doing?

The answers choices to this question are some of the best and funniest BSNYC yet.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Riv's new electronic shifting system is controlled by a handlebar mounted Morse code key. The rider simply transmits via wired telegraphy his gear choice and the mechanism selects the chosen ratio. The finely brazed dry cell battery case that powers the apparatus is a nice touch also.

grog said...

I watched the whole circus video (complete with Scott Joplin rag)anticipating a cameo by the one and only Recumbabe, but I was bitterly disappointed. Scranus.
FUNQ UIZZ
RIDE NICE
MORE BABE

balls™ said...

I'd pay good money for an inflatable codpiece full of brie.

Self-Fellating Super Fred said...

I came for the off foffing but I stayed for the funny.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Guys not inclusive?

Find a safe space and get the fuck innit !!

vsk

JLRB said...

Don't be such a Bore Hole

Anonymous said...

Hey Serial Retrogrouch - It is "Stanford," not "Stamford." Stamford is in CT, Stanford is next to Palo Alto, CA. But no big deal.

That music from the recumbent video was an aural noogie.

Happy Friday to all.

Anonymous said...

When I was fourteen my bike (Schwinn Varsity - all yellow, with drops - absolutely cool bike - anyone else ever have one?) was stolen.

I was pissed but then got the crap kicked out of me when I confronted the kid who stole it later that day. All in all, a bad day for me. Now, if I had been Ali......

wishiwasmerckx said...

Fred Sanford went to Stanford, then took a job in Stamford, or so I'm told...

bad boy of the north said...

funny bonus video.....almost got a 100% on the test,so I guess I get to move up to the next grade,considering we're in june.so,where is that cap and gown?

bieks said...

I'm pretty sure there's a lesson in cycling safety somewhere in that bonus video. And it's not gonna be about bike maintenance.

babble on said...

Heh heh heh, I can kindov relate to that poor sucker in the bonus video. :)

Ric said...

I heard somewhere that Fred Sanford had a Big Dummy.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Sorry I'm late to the party, worked out of the office, got home early, went for a biek ride and then out to dinner with the family.

The New Jersey portion of the Palisades Interstate Park has its own police department and judge with nothing to do but harass motorists on the NJ portion of the Palisades Parkway and cyclists on Henry Hudson Drive, aka River Road, which is all in NJ.

Anonymous at 12:55, here in NJ I think it is standard practice to interpret laws as you like and post signs with those interpretations. On Route 9W and some other places in NJ that don't have a specific local law, you will see signs saying "Bicycles Must Ride Single File" quoting a NJ statute. I'm fairly certain the referenced statute is the standard Cyclists may ride two abreast unless impeding traffic in which case they must ride single file. The sign posting interpreters have pre-determined that all cyclists are impeding traffic by riding other than single file. Admittedly, 9W is a busy road but I think the law is being misquoted. And some of the other places I've seen this sign are roads that have much less traffic.

So Snob, you keep telling us about your appearances in Portland, Seattle and Walnut Creek, but no mention of any Hi-Ate-Us? Will you be blogovating from the road or will there be a Hi-Ate-Us?

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

PS, and of course many Fred-Packs roam the roads of NJ in undisciplined swarms 3, 4 or more cyclists wide, taking up the whole road, so that may be leading the posters of the single file signs to do that.

Arizona redneck said...

"Inclusive"
Fuck I hate Newspeak...

Anonymous said...

Someone with a black marker should annotate the sign so that it reads DISOBEY ALL SIGNS.

Eric the Infrequent said...

So much flex in that recumbent frame I would need Dramamine to ride it.

Andre the Giant said...

OBEY

Big Round Rock said...

CC 1224 Once upon a time curling allowed round brooms, the sweeper would rotate the broom by turning the handle using the palms of his hands. One day a sweeper fell on the ice and his broom bristles kept on rotating. All very suspicious, rather than investigate they just banned round brooms. Out of sight, out of mind.

ken e. said...

thanks baby jesus!

Anonymous said...

I'm hoping that by the time I leave town we can agree on a gender-neutral version of the word "bro." Seems to me you've got to go with "bre" since it goes so well with "ze," but I suppose then you run into the problem of people hearing it and thinking you're talking about the cheese

I'd go for a portmanteau of "bro" and "sis", such as "bris." Wait a minute, maybe best to keep looking.

janinedm said...

I've been so sick. On one hand, I've lost 8 lbs in a week (hello bikini season). On the other, a mere 42 miles whipped me like I stole something yesterday.

McFly said...

Hey I lost 10 pounds myself. Haven't been sick. Wasn't even trying. Weird.

BamaPhred said...

Not to worry, I found them

Chris McKleroy said...

Whoa, check this IDIOTIC project out: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/673350631/bike-mine-the-ultimate-alarm-to-protect-your-preci/?ref=kicktraq

a fucking MINE for a bike if you move it - insane. INSANE!

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