Tuesday, February 9, 2016

The answer, my Fred, is blowin' in the wind.

The End of Days.

Even before the whole thing with Femke and the motor, we all knew it was just a matter of time before the Lord held the sport of cycling accountable for its many sins.  The only question was exactly how and when He* would finally smite the infernal Lycra-clad Legions of Hades once and for all.  Well, we now have our answer to this two-fold question, and it was with a powerful wind this past Sunday that Our Father did lay waste to the Freds:



*Yes, God is a man.  Deal with it.  He's also white, a fictional character, and an asshole.

See, the Freds were vile and wretched in God's eyes:


And so at the beginning of the amateur bike race He did summon the Four Winds of the Fredpocalypse from the Eight Corners of the Earth**, which did cause considerable "bunching" of the field:


**The Earth is a flat octagon, anyone who tells you otherwise is part of the NASA round Earth conspiracy.

Though some of the Freds just went right on riding because their bicycles were motorized:


(Yeah, attacking into a 100kph headwind, that's not suspicious at all.)

Soon though even those with motors could not continue, and the godless Freds were like the chaff which the wind driveth away:


Or like the chafing which the chamois cream driveth away, if you prefer the King Fred Version.

Alas, the Freds could not find purchase upon the tarmac with their plastic clown shoes:


And the Lord did transform their wind-cheating wheels into sails which did carry their plastic bikes away:


Oh, no, wait.  That's a Wilier, the same brand of bike Femke was riding:


So yeah, forget all the God stuff, he must have just hit the "overdrive" button by accident and the thing's trying to wheelie away from him.

Anyway, it was then the Freds did realize with terror in their hearts that their Father had forsaken them:


Some gathered together in prayer:


But it was too late, and their Father heard them not.

Others attempted to invoke false prophets with their heathen Fredly incantations:


But hold their lines the Freds could not, even with the full might of their scranuses upon their top tubes:


And when the top tubes did snap they did writhe in scrotastic agony:


And lo the Fred race was canceled.

A-meh and Holy Luau.

Of course instead of canceling the race they could have simply turned around, or at least made it into a giant trackstanding contest:



But nobody's ever accused Freds of spontaneity.

Or of having bike-handling skills.

Speaking of turning the tables, Stan's NoTubes has won a court case against the world's most litigious bike company:

A patent dispute dating back to 2008 between Stan’s NoTubes and Specialized has been resolved in favor of Stan’s. The dispute centered on Stan’s ZTR rims with Bead Socket technology, a bead hook shape that allowed for easier and more secure mounting of tubeless tires. Specialized released rims in 2008 that used a similar design, and Stan’s filed with a U.S. District Court to protect its patent.

Wow, it's hard to believe a company so protective of its own intellectual property would copy somebody like that.  Ripping off Stan's is almost as bad as trying to claim you own the concept of a city in France:


"I had assumed I could not register Roubaix as a trade mark as it is a geographical location well known in cycling, not to mention the wide-spread use of the term Roubaix throughout the industry," Richter said in a press release sent out Saturday. "I thought I could freely use Roubaix ... To be informed I cannot use the name is devastating.  I invested my life savings, military severance pay, as well as all my Veteran's Affairs award for my illness into Café Roubaix."

Remember that whole thing?  That was fun.

Still, undeterred by their failures to both rip off Stan's and prevent other people from using the names of cities for their own nefarious purposes, Specialized now plan to introduce a new proprietary tubeless rim system that will circumvent Stan's patent.  It's called the Cleveland, and instead of using sealant you simply fill the tire with ground meat like a sausage.  Naturally, your choice of filling determines the ride quality, and it's particularly well-suited to fat bikes:


(#whatgrouduporgansyourunning?)

Sure, it's a little extra work and you'll need some new tools, but it's worth it not to have to worry about pinch flats anymore:


Though your cholesterol is another matter.

Lastly, in Berlin, some "left-wing extremists on bicycles" are committing what, here in America, would be the ultimate act of blasphemy:



A gang of about 50 masked left-wing extremists on bicycles torched or trashed nearly 50 luxury cars over the weekend in attacks to protest gentrification of the once-low-rent districts near the center of the German capital.

The attacks just after midnight on Saturday and Sunday mornings caused an estimated $1.1 million in damage and left behind the smoldering remains of 48 Mercedes, BMWs and Porsches. Some of the masked attackers smashed the windows of the cars; others threw plastic containers with flammable materials through the broken windows.

Apparently the idea is to prevent property in the neighborhood from becoming unaffordable:

This weekend's attacks came in areas where rents have soared and property prices have skyrocketed more than five-fold in recent years to as much as $615 per square foot. Many squatters live in areas near the attacks. Last month, 500 police raided one of the largest buildings occupied by squatters after some of the residents had attacked and injured riot police. The illegal occupants are still there.

Though this is sure to backfire, because when people in Brooklyn read that property in this trendy Berlin neighborhood is only $615 per square foot they'll be moving there in droves.

Many left-wingers in Berlin, where squatting has a long and vibrant tradition, feel they are entitled to defend their way of living and that burning the luxury cars will scare away yuppies and wealthy investors.

Wrong!  Gentrifiers love burned-out cars, it's the ultimate in street cred.

I'd say it's pretty likely this gang of so-called "left wing extremists on bicycles" is being funded by the real estate developers.

59 comments:

Andy said...

First?!

MTBSnob said...

Bro, you gotta take the heat esp in the winter! E-bike is another bike just like mtb and roadie and bromptunies! Let them race too bro!

dancesonpedals said...

I have no life

McFly said...

Tuesday has no feel.

weasel said...

top x

bad boy of the north said...

yaaawwwwnnnn!...and a mighty wind did blow.thanks for the early post.top tennies.

Anonymous said...

Fred K still sleeping?

N/A said...

Good morning, peeps!

Anonymous said...

Here in chinook-ville, it blows like that almost every day. Warms things up too.
It's nice if you are going east but a motor would be good for getting home.

Anonymous said...

Toppus tennis?

NourskSiklist said...

Wow, those racers weren't built for windy conditions. Too flimsy. Proper Freds have a gut and big behinds, helps to cancel out that ground effect. Also, high profile aero rims, a poor choice on a day like that. I totally support the burning and trashing of those nazi sleds too. Is there a YouTube video of that? Plz post. And oh, maybe top ten here. Took too long changing my shoes. And ogling the women's team in their lounge chairs.

N/A said...

Really, the Freds are vile and wretched in a lot of people's eyes.


The weather's been tolerable for some weekend tootling along the river by my house. Well, except for the wind which does whip mightily around this one particular bend, necessitating downhill pedalling. Very odd.

Anonymous said...

That many Freds have not been blown since Shelley Versus was a soigneur.

Anonymous said...

More Morning Snob! This has been a good couple of days. Thanks

I ain't a robot

Schitty Pete said...

I came here to read Ted K, dammit.

Schisthead said...

Holdja line!

DB said...

Early COD for Anon, 9:40.

Der König von Park Steigung said...

BURN CHIC

Anonymous said...

Scranular conditions: breezy

JLRB said...

#whatsailrutrimming?

grog said...

It's art: One less car.

leroy said...

My dog claims expertise in squatting and street cred.

Why am I not surprised?

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

First Deutsche Bank's turmoil and now the car-bangers, it seems the Berliners should add another precious metal, lead, to their portfolios.

vsk

leroy said...

Told my dog that "Hold The Line" was a big hit for a band named after a famous Hollywood canine.

That shut him up.

At least until he can confirm that on the interwebs.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

KING FRED

sTONEdEADLAND said...

Toto reference?

FOUL!

Anonymous said...

I had a 1999 Mercedes wagon similar to the burned-out car in the photo. It was worth about $2,500 when I donated it to a vocational school a couple of years ago. If those squatting vandals want to irritate the gentry, they’d be better off targeting Priuses than used Benzes.

Moroni said...

Holda yoo ligne, you fargin iceholes

wle said...

mardi gras..

Anonymous said...

BSNYC has finally jumped the shark and become intolerably offensive.
Good Luck and Good By.

N/A said...

OH PLEASE DON'T LEAVE, ANONYMOUS!

N/A said...

Also, if you're going to get all pompous and storm off indignantly, it's "good bye".

JLRB said...

Eli Manning explained he was trying to mimic non-plussed bibshort guy in the lux box

Roille Figners said...

We're not going to let this left-wing mob take over our streets!!!! Give the streets back to the machines that kill people!!!!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had a 1999 Mercedes wagon similar to the burned-out car in the photo. It was worth about $2,500 when I donated it to a vocational school a couple of years ago. If those squatting vandals want to irritate the gentry, they’d be better off targeting Priuses than used Benzes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In my neighborhood here in Cologne, most of the "nice" cars are owned by working class families. Autonome hipster douches strike again!

dancesonpedals said...

Oh come on. Anony 1:40 was civilized. He/she didn't make a scene or throw a drink in the host's face. They piqued our interest in elasmobranchs (which shark was jumped? How high? By wcrm? The commentariat?) , and as N/A pointed out, misspelled good bye. GBCW* as they say in the funny papes.

N/A said...

Good bye, chicken wrangler?

dancesonpedals said...

George Bush Chews Wombats

Roille Figners said...

GBCW = "got both - country & western"

Anonymous said...

http://bikeparts.wikia.com/wiki/Fred_(bicycling)

Word origin

The roots of the term "Fred" are unclear, though some believe it originated from[2] a touring rider named Fred Birchmore from Athens, GA. In 1934-35, Birchmore rode around the world on a bicycle he named Bucephalus. Birchmore and Bucephalus traveled approximately 25,000 miles. Bucephalus is now on display at the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, D.C.[3][4][5][6] In one famous incident while touring in Italy, Birchmore passed a bunch of racers during a race he had crossed paths with by chance. And despite going up hill on his loaded 50 pound non-racing bike, he passed the finish line well ahead of the racers. The cheering crowd at the finish line assumed him to be the winner of the race. In addition to the Birchmore origin idea for "Fred," there also is a vague idea that there was an old grumpy touring rider named Fred (but probably not Birchmore) from which the term derived.[7]

A southern California bicycle store printed and sold "No Freds" t-shirts in the early-to-mid 1980s to local racing cyclists. This t-shirt depicted a hairy-legged, bearded cyclist (with bug-splatted teeth) wearing sunglasses and a Bell "Biker" hard-shell helmet (with rear-view mirror attached).[8] At the time, very few racing cyclists wore sunglasses due to their (then) lack of functionality, and virtually none wore hard-shell helmets until they became mandatory in 1986. Few racing cyclists wore helmets outside of racing events until advances in technology allowed lighter, better ventilated helmets to exist in the market.

There are different theories how the term moved from its first definition of a regular guy on a simple old bike, to the definition of guy who has spent way more on his bike than his riding would merit.

Dooth said...

Got busted cutting wind

bad boy du nord said...

laissez les bons temps rouler!

LA Slowly I Turned, Step by Step said...

"they did writhe in scrotastic agony" The family eggs have been a cracked, the wife will not be amused.

Today's Snobville Gazette should win the Pulitzer Prize for Semi-Non Fiction Writing. The prize for Semi-Non Fiction Writing is about $.99, but still....

Horse Shit of the Apocalypse said...

"And there went out another horse that was a red Cipollini Stead: and power was given to him that sat thereon it to take piece from the women of the earth, and that they should copulate with one another in an abnormal way: and there was given unto him a great sword."

Anonymous said...

1:40 "BSNYC has finally jumped the shark and become intolerably offensive."

He swims with the fishes (and sharks too). Their all out there swimming around together.

The Ink Jets said...

DOP @ 706 "I have no life" But you have a picture of a tattoo on a comely back.

Freddy Murcks said...

Well, at least Katusha has been cleared to continue racing. I, for one, am glad to know that there are no team-level repercussions for running a doping clusterfuck in the guise of a bike racing team. The status quo wins again. The status quo is dead, long live the status quo!

dancesonpedals said...

I was standing behind that woman in an elevator last summer. I took that picture on my cellphone, to show the tattoo to my daughter who couldn't see it.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Fred's Perineum -Sever scranular bruising from top tubular bouncing,often wind induced.

Anonymous said...

Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. Snob's a sweetie.

crosspalms said...

How wrong you are, anon 1:40. BSNYC is quite tolerably offensive.

Anonymous said...

I always thought the term "Fred" was in honor of Fred Matheny from Buy-cycling Magazine.

That "Scrotastic Agony" will mean a lot less Handcestors from those afflicted Freds.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:40pm,

Are you religious or vegan?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Holy Roller said...

Amen brother. Did you quote from the Book of Jamis?

Madeleine Albright said...

There is a "Special place in hell" for bike bloggers like you.

Hodexo India said...

Happy valentine day

Safety Equipment

harimau bola said...

Happy Valentine Days

Situs Judi Terbaik dan Terpercaya , Agen Casino Online Terbesar

inpomu said...

hatur nuhn bapa

Cara Diet Mayo Yang Benar Dan Sehat
inpomu

BERITA KELLY said...

rekomendasi:NAGAQQ.COM | AGEN BANDARQ | BANDARQ ONLINE | ADUQ ONLINE | DOMINOQQ TERBAIK
NAGAQQ.COM | AGEN BANDARQ | BANDARQ ONLINE | ADUQ ONLINE | DOMINOQQ TERBAIK