Even before the whole thing with Femke and the motor, we all knew it was just a matter of time before the Lord held the sport of cycling accountable for its many sins. The only question was exactly how and when He* would finally smite the infernal Lycra-clad Legions of Hades once and for all. Well, we now have our answer to this two-fold question, and it was with a powerful wind this past Sunday that Our Father did lay waste to the Freds:
*Yes, God is a man. Deal with it. He's also white, a fictional character, and an asshole.
See, the Freds were vile and wretched in God's eyes:
And so at the beginning of the amateur bike race He did summon the Four Winds of the Fredpocalypse from the Eight Corners of the Earth**, which did cause considerable "bunching" of the field:
**The Earth is a flat octagon, anyone who tells you otherwise is part of the NASA round Earth conspiracy.
Though some of the Freds just went right on riding because their bicycles were motorized:
(Yeah, attacking into a 100kph headwind, that's not suspicious at all.)
Soon though even those with motors could not continue, and the godless Freds were like the chaff which the wind driveth away:
Or like the chafing which the chamois cream driveth away, if you prefer the King Fred Version.
Alas, the Freds could not find purchase upon the tarmac with their plastic clown shoes:
And the Lord did transform their wind-cheating wheels into sails which did carry their plastic bikes away:
Oh, no, wait. That's a Wilier, the same brand of bike Femke was riding:
So yeah, forget all the God stuff, he must have just hit the "overdrive" button by accident and the thing's trying to wheelie away from him.
Anyway, it was then the Freds did realize with terror in their hearts that their Father had forsaken them:
Some gathered together in prayer:
But it was too late, and their Father heard them not.
Others attempted to invoke false prophets with their heathen Fredly incantations:
But hold their lines the Freds could not, even with the full might of their scranuses upon their top tubes:
And when the top tubes did snap they did writhe in scrotastic agony:
And lo the Fred race was canceled.
A-meh and Holy Luau.
Of course instead of canceling the race they could have simply turned around, or at least made it into a giant trackstanding contest:
But nobody's ever accused Freds of spontaneity.
Or of having bike-handling skills.
Speaking of turning the tables, Stan's NoTubes has won a court case against the world's most litigious bike company:
Wow, it's hard to believe a company so protective of its own intellectual property would copy somebody like that. Ripping off Stan's is almost as bad as trying to claim you own the concept of a city in France:
"I had assumed I could not register Roubaix as a trade mark as it is a geographical location well known in cycling, not to mention the wide-spread use of the term Roubaix throughout the industry," Richter said in a press release sent out Saturday. "I thought I could freely use Roubaix ... To be informed I cannot use the name is devastating. I invested my life savings, military severance pay, as well as all my Veteran's Affairs award for my illness into Café Roubaix."
Remember that whole thing? That was fun.
Still, undeterred by their failures to both rip off Stan's and prevent other people from using the names of cities for their own nefarious purposes, Specialized now plan to introduce a new proprietary tubeless rim system that will circumvent Stan's patent. It's called the Cleveland, and instead of using sealant you simply fill the tire with ground meat like a sausage. Naturally, your choice of filling determines the ride quality, and it's particularly well-suited to fat bikes:
Sure, it's a little extra work and you'll need some new tools, but it's worth it not to have to worry about pinch flats anymore:
Though your cholesterol is another matter.
Lastly, in Berlin, some "left-wing extremists on bicycles" are committing what, here in America, would be the ultimate act of blasphemy:
A gang of about 50 masked left-wing extremists on bicycles torched or trashed nearly 50 luxury cars over the weekend in attacks to protest gentrification of the once-low-rent districts near the center of the German capital.
The attacks just after midnight on Saturday and Sunday mornings caused an estimated $1.1 million in damage and left behind the smoldering remains of 48 Mercedes, BMWs and Porsches. Some of the masked attackers smashed the windows of the cars; others threw plastic containers with flammable materials through the broken windows.
Apparently the idea is to prevent property in the neighborhood from becoming unaffordable:
This weekend's attacks came in areas where rents have soared and property prices have skyrocketed more than five-fold in recent years to as much as $615 per square foot. Many squatters live in areas near the attacks. Last month, 500 police raided one of the largest buildings occupied by squatters after some of the residents had attacked and injured riot police. The illegal occupants are still there.
Though this is sure to backfire, because when people in Brooklyn read that property in this trendy Berlin neighborhood is only $615 per square foot they'll be moving there in droves.
Many left-wingers in Berlin, where squatting has a long and vibrant tradition, feel they are entitled to defend their way of living and that burning the luxury cars will scare away yuppies and wealthy investors.
Wrong! Gentrifiers love burned-out cars, it's the ultimate in street cred.
I'd say it's pretty likely this gang of so-called "left wing extremists on bicycles" is being funded by the real estate developers.