Wednesday, November 12, 2014

It's Wednesday And I Typed This Entire Post On My Smartphone While Cycling!

For years now, Kickstarter inventors have tried to re-think the bicycle.  The've over-complicated it, or over-simplificated it, or simply made it out of something stupid, thereby totally fucking it up.  Now, though, one Kickstarter has begun a new chapter by completely un-bicycling the bicycle and turning it into some sort of unrecognizable accessory.  Meet the "Impossible:"



Can you really call something like this a "bike" just because it has two wheels and you sit on it?

Yeah, that's not a bike, that's a pair of glasses:


And check out this guy actually riding the glasses:


Note those tiny "wheels," which are more like casters.  I'd hate to hit a pothole or storm drain on that thing--though that can be mitigated by the optional "stabilization skirt" made from revolutionary crabon fribé bristles:


Not only does this help keep the bike upright, but it also enhances the bike's uncanny resemblance to one of those Groucho Marx disguise kits:


I especially like the slogan the inventor uses at the end of the video, which is "It's not a bike, it's a revolution."  However, for the sake of accuracy, I'd urge them to change that to "It's not a bike, it's a motorized barstool."


Because really, what is the difference?

Meanwhile, here in America's Most Bike Friendly City, the latest example of how it's not is a proposal to ban using a phone while cycling:


Mayor de Blasio said he supports the idea of a ban on talking on the phone or texting while biking.

 “It’s the same concept as with a car. Someone’s who’s biking needs to be alert, needs to think of safety first,” he said. “They can’t do that if they’re simultaneously looking at a device.”

If you're wondering how I feel about this proposed ban, in the words of Groucho Marx, I'm against it.  Should you futz around on your phone while you're riding your bike?  Probably not.  But are bikes the same as cars, and should that be the basis for setting bike policy?  Absolutely not.  In fact, it's this obsession with pretending bikes and cars are the same that's gotten us into this mess in the first place.  It's why our infrastructure is so terrible for riding bikes, and why "vehicular cyclists" would have us riding around at top speed all the time while making ridiculous hand signals and wearing body armor and DayGlo jumpsuits.

I'd love for this to go the other way once in awhile, and for drivers to have to pretend that they're cyclists on the pretense that both vehicles are the "same concept."  For example, here in New York City, there are a surprising number of bridges over which you're technically supposed to walk your bike:



Presumably someone decided it wasn't safe to ride a bike over this bridge for some reason, most likely the metal grating on the road surface.  Of course, you can bet I just ride over it anyway, because I'm a regular Lucas Brunelle.  However, I'll gladly stop and walk just as soon as the drivers are also forced to stop their cars, put them in neutral, and push them across the span.  After all, as Mayor Billy de B. says, "It's the same concept as with a car," right?  So if a cyclist can lose traction then so can a driver.

In the meantime I'll keep banging my gong and snickering to myself as everybody flees the bridge.

As for the impetus behind the proposed ban, it's because some city councilman saw something once:

MANHATTAN — Standing outside of his Gravesend office last week, Brooklyn Councilman Mark Treyger noticed a bicyclist using a cellphone while riding down the street.

 He didn't think much of it at first, but all of a sudden, the cyclist veered into oncoming traffic, nearly causing an accident.

Yeah, sure, now that we've licked the problem of drivers killing hundreds of people a year we should totally focus our efforts on cycling legislation.

Great comment by the always insightful EXXONPUMPITUP on that Daily News article by the way:


As long as I stay under 25 mph its all good when I run him over when he rides in front of me.  Just don't scratch my paint.

What's especially disturbing is that, given New York City's utter lack of driver enforcement, this isn't even cyclist-baiting.  It is merely a statement of fact.

Lastly, further to yesterday's post, I had a brief Twitter exchange with Lucas Brunelle himself:











He did, you know:

 Do you ride like that even when you're picking up groceries? 
Yes. Every seat I have is as sharp as a razor, so you always play to roll.

That's my favorite Brunelle quote of all time.

He also told the press he was on a "group ride," which I reminded him:
Specifically, he said the following:

 “I said, ‘We were on a group ride. Someone got an injury, they’ve got to go to the hospital.’ He started getting in my face and ‘(expletive) you’ and so I shot back and I said, ‘(Expletive) you.’ He gets out and he attacks me. He tried to run me over.”

So which was it?  A "run to the store at slow speed" or a "group ride gone bad?"  There's a pretty big difference between the two.

Well, apparently the answer is "Yes!"
It was at this point I realized I was behaving like Pee-Wee in his eponymous "Big Adventure" and abandoned my line of questioning:



I'm now off to the basement at the Alamo.
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