"Wow, I can't believe it's almost 2015," he sighed wistfully.
If you'd have told me 25 or 30 years ago that by 2015 we would not be living on Mars, or traveling in flying cars, or vacationing in a democratic North Korea, I'd have been profoundly disappointed.
Indeed I'm still profoundly disappointed.
And if you'd have told me I'd be a semi-professional bike blogger when I grow up, I'd have saved myself a bunch of time by dropping out of grade school and getting a head start on the path to loserdom.
Actually, come to think of it, I did get a heard start on the path to loserdom:
(1980-something. Note analog cigarette and mechanical Swatch.)
So if anything I should congratulate myself on my foresight.
Meanwhile, if you're looking for last-minute gift ideas, why not support your favorite bike bloggers? I know Stevil at All Hall the Black Market is usually hawking something in his store:
So is Alps & Andes, formerly Cycling Inquisition, who also has a store:
Then you got Fat Cyclist, who in addition to jerseys and stuff also has a new book out:
But most importantly, you got me, and my multifaceted whoring now includes coffee:
And hats for every taste:
And a go-fast shirt:
And three--count 'em, three--books:
(Available pretty much wherever books are sold.)
Amazing. If you had told me 25 or 30 years ago that I'd be on the Internet selling hats, I'd have said: A) "What the fuck is an Internet?," and 2) "Why would I put a hat over this luxurious non-thinning mane of partially-bleached hair?"
And if by some miracle none of the above stuff appeals to you, then buy something from one of the fabulous companies who generously sponsor this blog. Brooks! Knog! Rivendell! WorkCycles! State! Walz! Classic Cycle! You're telling me that between all these fine purveyors of bike stuff and all these fine curators of bike blogs you're going to buy your presents at freaking Target?!?
Frankly, I'm disgusted.
Then again, that Kent road bike is pretty sweet, so maybe I spoke too soon:
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If your'e right then good, and if you're wrong then you'll see Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed on the flats.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and have a joyous and bountiful pagan-based-gift-giving-and-arbitrary-turning-over-of-the-Gregorian-calendar celebratory season.
See you back here on Monday, January 5th, 2015.
(Unless we've all colonized space by then and we're waiting for our Internet to get hooked up.)
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) This Fred fell while:
--Attempting to trackstand
--Taking a "selfie"
--Attempting to pleasure himself while riding
(Nothing worse than when your dick breaks drag.)
2) Which is more aero: disc brakes, or rim brakes?
--Both are equally aero
--Neither are particlarly omgwhogivesashitfallingasleepasitypeZZZzzzzzzz.........
(Orville and Wilbur Redenbacher)
3) Which of the following did the Wright Brothers not invent?
--The reverse-threaded left bicycle pedal
--The anatomic bicycle saddle
--The self-lubricating bicycle hub
4) Why is this woman nonplussed?
--Her husband is a Fred
--Her husband is a MAMIL
--Her husband is a mammal
--She's not nonplussed; that's just a British face in repose
("Thinking is sooo over...")
5) Thanks to a "collabo" between Strava and Volvo, now drivers can pay even less attention...and so can you!
6) In New Zealand, which cycling offense do the authorities consider most egregious?
--Riding without a helment
--Riding while naked
--Both are considered equally egregious
--Neither is considered particularly egregious
("My hat is missing a top."--Mauro Santambrogio)
7) The latest excuse for doping is:
--"I ate some bad clams"
--"I unwittingly used tainted chamois cream"
--"I was just trying to knock up my girlfriend"
--"Public restroom toilet water splash-back"
***Special Flashback-To-Last-January-Themed Bonus Video***
Never did get funded...who would have guessed?