Cleaning your chain, or just yanking it?

Further to yesterday's post, in which I mentioned my "Bicycling" story about bike maintenance, I was amused to find while perusing the comments on said article that I was once again subjected to merciless Fred heckling for daring to suggest that removing your cassette and cleaning it one time over the winter should be considered "basic" bicycle maintenance:

Gerald Fittipaldi • 15 hours ago
"The basics" shouldn't require removing your cassette and chain. Instead, leave them on the bike and just clean them with a rag, toothbrush and optionally this gear clean brush: http://amzn.to/1A8Sy6r. Of course, this should include lubing the chain.

What's the point of making your gears immaculate when they're going to get gunked up in a matter of days anyway? Overhauling is not necessary unless you've long neglected the bike.

Oh, "Bicycling" reader...  Really, being able to remove your cassette is not a basic skill?  It's because of people like you that I no longer ride over the George Washington Bridge and instead avoid the local Fred Routes at all costs.  Quite frankly, I'm getting tired of having to fix your flats and otherwise mollycoddle your ilk.  Indeed, if there were a jersey for Most Fredliest Internet Comment you would most certainly be in the running.

Also, the jersey would look like this:

(Maillot du plus fredliest internet commentaire)

Rowr.

By the way, I looked up the bicycle-specific brush he's so fond of, and here it is:

We have truly reached the apotheosis of bike-weeniedom when a simple brush is 11-speed specific--but at least it's backwards-compatible with 10 speed:

Works great on brakes or other places where dirt collects. 10 speed compatible.

Just don't use it on anything less than that or you risk catastrophic brush failure.

(Just kidding.  Everyone knows you don't clean a bike with less than 10 speeds.  You throw it away and buy a new one.  It's true, I read it in "Bicycling.")

Of course, you can also buy the bike-specific brush as part of a complete I'm-afraid-to-remove-anything-from-my-bike cleaning kit:

I confess that many years ago I too owned one of those chain-cleaning machines, and it was surely one of the most useless bicycle accessories ever invented.  Really, all it did was embed the grime further into the chain by bathing it in its own filth.  For all the good it did I might as well have taken a pricing gun to my drivetrain:

Oh, and do you remember that chain-cleaning machine from Performance that looked just like a wang?

Well, I was amused to find they still sell it, so be sure to buy one for the giant Fred on your list this holiday season:

And please do not accuse me of being exploitative or sexist with the above image, because the truth is anybody can enjoy a nice dong:

See that?  He looks both happy and well-compensated for his efforts!

If there's a single image that captures the joyous spirit of the holiday season I dare say this is it.

Meanwhile, here in (ahem) America's Most Bike-Friendly City, we're officially one step closer to losing Central Park:

The Central Park loop now has a 20 mph speed limit, new lane markings, and shorter pedestrian crossings during car-free hours. The changes, implemented last week, came in response to two pedestrian fatalities in separate bicycle collisions over the summer. The park’s traffic signals remain unchanged, and the park is still a shortcut for taxis and car commuters during certain hours.

Yes, by all means, let's re-engineer everything to keep people safe from bikes because nobody ever gets killed by cars.  Sure, I detest Central Park Strava dorks as much as anybody, but tragically our perspective on actual danger remains hopelessly distorted, as Jill Tarlov's husband's comments show:

“I assume if he were driving a car, he’d be arrested on the spot,” Wittman said.

I feel terrible for him given what happened to his wife, and I feel even more terrible for him that he actually thinks that.  "Arrested on the spot," really?  A driver?  In New York City?  You mean like the one who ran down five kids on the sidewalk after school last year?

Oh, right, sorry.  He didn't get in any trouble for that.

Or how about the other driver who killed a little girl on the sidewalk in the Bronx in front of her school?

Nope.

Oh, and here's something fucked up: the car she was driving was a Honda Accord.  So can you guess what commercial plays before the above-referenced Daily News video?

Yep, you guessed it:

Even more ironically, the ad touts the car's back-up camera feature.

Ah yes, I'm sure if the driver had been behind the wheel of a brand spanking-new Accord equipped with state-of-the-art head-up-your-ass technology this whole tragedy might have been averted.

Oh, and let's not forget about the guy who got in big trouble for killing a little girl who was crossing the street with her grandmother:

And by "big trouble" I mean he got a couple of traffic tickets that were subsequently voided.

I could keep going, but I won't.

Fortunately, our mayor won't stand for this sort of inhumane behavior on our city's streets--just as long as you're a horse:

“We think it’s time to end horse carriages in the city,” the mayor said, “and we’re going to act on it.”

I don't think Bill De Blasio made a single comment after any of the aforementioned motor vehicle incidents, but goddamn it if he's going to let a horse pull a carriage in this town!  Also, no offense to the horses, but when has it ever not sucked to be one?  If anything, being a horse in Central Park is a comparatively sweet gig if you're an equine.  Do you think they liked this?

Or this?

Or even this?

That's my local subway station over 100 years ago.  Note the horse-drawn carriages.  Now here's the same one some years later.  Note the bicycle:

Seems to me that, between horses and cyclists, when it comes to being treated like humans the horses are winning.

At this point, the only thing we've got in common is that De Blasio wants us both out of Central Park.

Vision Zero indeed.