Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Tuesday is the Wednesday to Wednesday's Friday.

Before anything else, I'd like to address yesterday's post, in which I mentioned tire levers:


As we sail the seas of cycling, it can sometimes feel as though we're all adrift on a vast ocean of ambiguity.  However, rest assured there are certain islands of absolute certainty waiting to dash the crabon hull of our little ship (the "SS Fred") into so many laterally stiff yet vertically compliant toothpicks.  For one thing, if you die while cycling, the reporter covering the story will take great pains to mention whether or not you were wearing a helment--even if you have a heart attack while riding and then get run over by a steamroller.  For another, if you get within three (3) feet of Mario Cipollini, regardless of your gender, you will get pregnant.  (Fun Cipollini Fact: After impregnating all 38 people in an Old Navy store at the Mall of America, Cipo is now legally required to wear this jersey in the state of Minnesota.)  And yet another inevitability is that, if you admit that you use tire levers, somebody will feel compelled to point out that you're some kind of a "woosie."

Sure enough, it didn't take long for someone to do just that to me yesterday, only he misspelled "woosie" as "rookie:"

sTONEdEADLAND said...

Tire levers are like bottle openers - only rookies require them

SEPTEMBER 8, 2014 AT 2:21 PM

I don't understand people's aversion to using tire levers.  It gives me the same "douche chills" I get when I read those dumb Velominati rules.  (In fact, not using tire levers probably is a Velominati rule, but I refuse to check because I won't risk the "douche chills.") After all, using tools is what separates us from the animals--apart from the ones who use tools, of course:


(Pffft!  Rookie monkey needs a stick to eat termites.)

Furthermore, at this stage of my life (I'm on the wrong side of the middle-age divide), I have nothing to prove.  This is why, unless the tire simply falls off the rim after deflation like the meat off an over-boiled drumstick, I whip out my tire lever like a chef at Benihana and deftly slice the tire from the wheel in one swift motion.  It's called "elegance," goddamn it!

Sure, you shouldn't use a tire lever to put the tire back on again, but that's only because you're liable to damage the tube that way.  Other than that, there's no reason not to use them, except for misguided vanity, and cyclists are the only humans on earth who are delusional enough to think anybody else is impressed by strong their thumbs are.  It's only a matter of time before some bike dork tries to remake the movie "Over The Top," but for thumbs.  It would be called "Over The Rim," and it would involve thumb wrestling matches in twee Portland cycling cafes.

Then again, it's not surprising cyclists take pride in their thumb strength, since these are the same people who boast about their tan lines:


Good for you.  This melanogenesis pattern conveys only two things to the world at large:

1) You have no life;
2) You have slightly-stronger-than-average thumbs.

So, to paraphrase a certain groundskeeper, you've got that going for you.  Which is nice.

Speaking of stuff I've got going for me which is nice, almost two years ago now I moved onto the mainland.  I admit I was frightened at first, mostly because there were no longer any bridges separating me from the great unwashed rabble that inhabits the contiguous United States.  However, my fears turned out to be unfounded, because it turns out it's not the bridges that keeps them away; rather, it's our strict gun laws.

Whew!

Even better, my quality of cycling life improved dramatically, not least because I could now ride to mountain bike trails.  In fact, since moving from Brooklyn I can count the times I've driven to a mountain bike ride on one hand--and I don't even need to use my scrawny, diminutive thumb!

However, yesterday afternoon I had to go somewhere in THE CAR THAT THE BANK OWNS UNTIL I PAY THEM BACK (the CAR THAT I OWN was sadly repossessed by rust), and I realized I'd be near the mountain bike trails, and because I no longer have anything to prove I said "Fuck it" and threw my bike up on the roof so I could sneak in a ride while I was out.  Furthermore, since I was going to be riding on a weekday, I also strapped on the Fly6 tail light camera so I could claim I was working.

Guess what that means?

ROAD TRIP!!!


Yeah, that's right you smuggies, I'm driving on a bike blog.  Whaddaya gonna do about it?

Beat me up with your muscular thumbs?

I'm so scared.

Anyway, driving someplace to ride a bike has its pros and cons:

Pros

Radio, air conditioned comfort, the soothing sense of societal acceptance that only comes from operating a great big wasteful debt machine, yadda yadda yadda.

Cons

By the time you get all your crap together and load up the bike and all the rest of it you might as well have just ridden there.

Anyway, between the soothing strains of Howard Stern and the reassuring motion of my David Byrne dashboard bobblehead the miles passed quickly, and before I knew it I was at the park:


Obviously these are just still images, but you want to get a sense of what the actual Fly6 video footage looks like, it's pretty much exactly like the intro to "The Naked Gun" except with a knobby tire instead of a siren:


Though I did have the decency to turn the bike the other way while I got changed in the parking lot:


Otherwise you would have seen something that looked like this:


("I may not have sharp tan lines, but I assure you my thumbs are both powerful and opposable.")

Now, lest you think that driving to a ride makes me a "woosie," I can assure you it comes with its own set of hardships, and when I bent over the front end of the bicycle in order to secure the quick release I was confronted by this menacing yellow jacket:


Naturally I called 911, and once the Nine-Man Beekeeper Fumigation Squad arrived and exterminated the insect I finally finished getting the bike together:


And then I scampered into the forest like a Lycra-clad chipmunk:


I happen to enjoy riding rigid mountain bicycles, but part of the fun is that when you switch to a suspension fork it feels positively decadent:


In fact, between the car ride and the suspension fork I was really pampering myself, so I resolved to go all the way and get a mani-pedi and facial immediately after the ride.

Because I deserve it.

Speaking of decadence, I realize this looks really bad, but I can assure you I was merely stopping to investigate a drivetrain noise and that I was not attempting to have "relations" with my bicycle:


Oh, I should also mention that, because it was a Monday afternoon and I was driving, I was reasonably certain I wouldn't encounter any other cyclists.  Therefore, I figured it was safe to wear this jersey:


Driving to a ride and then putting on a Mellow Johnny's jersey is worth exactly 20 million billion Dork Points.  In fact, when you dork out this hard, you start receiving Bicycling in the mail without even subscribing.  Really, the only way I could have outdone myself is by wearing a Gran Fondo New York jersey and using a trunk rack.

Moments later, I swung a leg back over the bike and was off again:


See this?  This is called "speed!"


Actually, it's probably just called the Fly6's inability to focus on leaves once you exceed three (3) miles per hour, but I'm going to call it "speed" anyway.

Hey, it may not be Collarady, but the riding around these parts is still pretty good.  We've got rocks:


And fallen trees laying across rocks:


And roots and rocks:


And even rocks and roots:


There are few things more enjoyable than sneaking in a mountain bike ride during a week, and the whole time I was thanking the Almighty Lob that I don't work in the bicycle industry, or else I'd be in Las Vegas for Interbike.

Ugh.

Here I am getting my scranus way back over the rear wheel as I hump a giant boulder:


It was as this very moment I heard a series of long, loud electronic "beeps" followed by a bunch of shorter "beeps," which scared the living crap out of me.  My first thought was that some electronic device was telling me I was having a heart attack, and I immediately began scanning the woods for the steamroller that would finish me off.  ("The rider was wearing a helment," the newspaper article would say.  "He was also wearing a Mellow Johnny's jersey, and was identified by his faint tan lines and spindly thumbs.")

As it turned out though, the sound was merely the Fly6 warning me that the battery was now dead, so it is here the story ends:


Sure, I could keep going anyway, but we all know that if the ride's not on camera then it didn't happen.

147 comments:

Jefe said...

Podium?

Jefe said...

I guess so. Wake up folks. Snob is working through breakfast.

Anonymous said...

Podiums ass hoooolll!

Jefe said...

What he said.

Anonymous said...

Podium?

JB said...

Early doors..............................................................................

mikeweb said...

Now to read the post, if I have the time.

JB said...

Avatar podium?

SA7 said...

Tatoos are for losers

Anonymous said...

Damn thats early...what will I read at lunch?
Alex

BikeSnobNYC said...

SA7,

Uh, yeah, no shit. I'm a middle-aged man riding a bike around in circles on a Monday afternoon. Thanks for stating thr obvious.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BikeSnobNYC said...

Sorry for the typo. Weak thumbs.

Buffalo Bill said...

Juan
Too
Free
Fore
I declare a thumb war!

PrimateBOT9000 said...

"Rookie monkey needs a stick to eat termites."

That is not a monkey.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

whaaaaatttt??? it's already weednesday?

McFly said...

Last time I went on a weak day mtb ride I saw a 5 ft rattler the diameter of a softball. I may try again tomorrow.

ce said...

I was operating a "steamroller" (not steam powered) today. Did not come across any unconscious casualties of heart attack, but if I did I was ready to apply compressions to the chest, just like in the first aid course, except better, because steamroller power.

It was actually quite a technical trail I was rolling - dirt, gravel, rocks, steep grades/cross fall, steep embankments, tree branches to dodge. Edge of the seat stuff - that's how I roll.

Surly make a bike called the steamroller. I've got a Big Dummy though. Caught myself a couple times today daydreaming about cruising that same trail on the Big Dummy loaded up with camping gear and the kids in tow. Will have to make that happen soon.

PotbellyJoe said...

I hate fixing flats without levers.

I also hate fixing flats with levers.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...if i had my hands on sTONEdEADLAND this past weekend, i'd've forced him to change my tube without levers. the bastard would have ran home crying.

...here's how it went down, the damn tire's wire bead was so tight (borat would say like a man's anus), that i broke two levers on it... fortunately, i had a park lever (the best plastic), and a metal one... still could not get it off. i got so frustrated that i grabbed my brazilian pair of 16" scissors and hacked at it until i ripped the damn tire to pieces... even then it was hard to remove.

...if someone was around me at that time and was preaching that levers are for wussies or ruckies, i'd've cut an appendage form his body.

...oh, in case anyone cares to know the tire and rim, it was a vittoria randonneur tire on an old wiennman rim.

JB said...

Sometimes I even use levers to put the tire back on, because I take risks and how boring is a life without risks?

JB said...

"Brazilian" scissors? None of my scissors have ever had hair. I hope I haven't been breaking any laws? Depends on the state, I suppose.

leroy said...

My dog gave me a set of park tool tire levers for my birthday.

They work great.

Even with the chew marks.

(Highly recommended on Armadillo tires in December on an evening commute.)

joddphoto said...

Yeah man! Roof racks are the bomb. Especially when you drive into a parking garage and forget your bike(s) and kayaks are on them.

Check this out: http://news.yahoo.com/video/chilean-students-develop-theft-proof-102628996.html or: how to mutilate your frame

A tip for the mechanically impaired:
If you position the tire bead into the deepest part of the rim, it's way easier to get the tire on.

Jim Tolar said...

Snob,
I read regularly and comment occasionally but it's been a while. I just wanted to say thanks for continuing to write. It's a pleasure to read your work.

jt

leroy said...

Roots? Check.

Rocks? Check.

No Reggae?

Rookie.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...JB, brazilian scissors are much smoother than other types... not only due to lack of hair... there's also residual wax...

you should try them sometime.

Anonymous said...

TIRE TOOLS ! (huh huh I said 'tool'!)
For the ultimate finger saver you gotta use the Var Tyre Tool or 'bead jack' as they like to say on 'the Continent' (you don't have to specify which continent... like saying I'm going to 'the City', you don't have to specify which city, suffice to say it's a continent where they mayzure distance in variants of meters).
The light blue plastic (resin?) Var Tyre Tool is in 2 pieces. Has a neat little wishbone shaped thing that straddles the tire (tyre) and lifts the bead over the rim... both for the install and removal. The second piece is another tire lever to help the tire off. Harder to find in 'the States', easier to find on 'the Continent'.
I'm driving today.

vsk

Spokey said...

main reason i don't use levers is i am so inept. years ago i used them to get the bead back on and of course regularly tore a hole in the new tube.

after finding my incredible hulk thumbs could put the tire on by themselves ( i generally sit in the shade sipping my water bottle while the thumbs are working), i tried removing tires without levers and it seemed easier to get the tire off than on without levers.

leroy said...

My dog informs me that the sound of driving into a garage with your bike on top of your car is known as Roof Rack Reggae.

The music on the headphones your dentist gives you to distract you when he runs out of Serotta stories and nitrous oxide is Root Canal Reggae.

But Root Rock Hudson makes Doris' Day.

I don't get him sometimes.

Bama Phred said...

Can you imagine trying not to hump your tire and having a series of electronic blasts go off underneath your scranus? And then trying to causally recover while wearing a Mellow Johnny jersey? A Snob instant classic.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I drive to ride also. Burning a little gas to ride someplace new or different is worth it I think.

I use tire levers. Not the hooked end though. Don't know what that's for exactly.

Scranus.

Spokey said...

vsk

two problems with that

1 - the thing is huge

2 - you need a masters in engineering to figure out how to use it.

I do admit that sliding the separate lever piece in to the middle of the wishbone piece for storage is cool though.

Spokey said...

bikes can be tough

I drove in to the garage back in june with my bike on top.

financial penalties:

bike rack - ~$100 for a new clamp part (big mouth thule) and one wheel strap

camry (with drum breaks) that I own - ~ $700 to fix the dents in the roof

bike - a couple scrapes where the rack clamp was ripped from the down tube. haven't touched that up so i guess $0

Spokey said...

oh and a few dents in the vinyl siding above the garage door.

$0 as i was driving in spousy's side of the garage so no need to fix my garage.

balls™ said...

What? Isn't someone going to say that those tires are completely inappropriate for that type of terrain and the Snob should have been using the Scranus CX69K multidiectional knob slobbers?

I haven't ridden an epic trail in years because I can ride to miles of too easy trails a few minutes from the house. Why get in the car?

Bryan said...

I don't think I have seen you riding that bike before (not that I have been paying attention for all that long). Nice! We get a good, solid opener, a road trip AND Fly6 action today? I feel lucky.
If you don't use (or don't carry) tire levers for the sake of vanity, you are an idiot. Do things the smart way, not the hard way

db said...

I can never have too many tire levers. Even a bead jack can be useful.

Edward Leverhands said...

Just once I would love to foff off on this babbles boobs. Slight as they may be.

Comment deleted said...

Nice old-timey test pattern, Snob.

Greenbelt said...

Hey Serial -- there's a quaint British retro-ish video on how to change a wire beaded tire without massive man thumbs or breaking levers. Features a pleasantly accented gent with a bit of unsettling aviation background noise toward the end too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XUFVrl0UT4

PBateman said...

Snobberdingdong,

if you do a "search Goo!le for this image" for mr bib shorts, the Go!gle machine's "best guess" is "nonplussed bib shorts guy"

in fact, the wikkee result only gets one spot on the whole first page of results.

you've officially santorum'ed the poor guy. and as such, he is non too plussed.

PBateman said...

also, next time you drive may we get some car pics? preferably with the drivetrain in the largest gear (D)?

i think we'd all like to nitpick your car just like we do your bikes.

tyre choice, colourway, seat choice (cloth or leather or vegan brooks custom covers) etc...

Bama Phred said...

Oh Snob, you did bring your Epi-Pen? Not to dwell on the obvious, but we want you around for a while. Because venomous insects. And hives.

PBateman said...

and STD's

3G said...

PODI-meh rest day

Flyover BC said...

That's no monkey, that's Joseph Fiennes in his role as "Shake Spear" the bard of the Planet of the Apes.

"This stick smells like orangutan ass".

Anonymous said...

Serial Retrogrouch, I feel your pain about Vittoria Randoneers. Needing tire levers or not is much more about the tires and rims than the strength of your thumbs. Usually MTBs are easier (all thumbs), most wire bead road wheels not hard, but some wire bead (those Vittorias) and kevlar bead 23 mm tires require tools / very strong thumbs. But even on an easy tire, I like to use the (Kool Stop) tire iron to get the bead off the rim.

grog said...

In the olden days, I used ginormous screwdrivers to pop off my tire. Slobber "Monkey Grip" rubber cement, slap a patch, and screwdriver that tire back onto the rim using great care not to screw the tube. Later days loved my plastic tire tools with the hooky end which grasp a spoke while utilizing the second tool. Nowadays non-wired folding tires can be removed by thumb. But I still use a stick to eat ants.

Hal said...

I remember that epic scene in 2001 A Space Odessy where that monkey throws a tire lever high, high into the air...

Paul Heimbach said...

Nice Carl Spackler reference!

PrimateBOT9000 said...

"...scene in 2001 A Space Odessy where that monkey throws a tire lever...

That was not a monkey either.

dancesonpedals said...

What is man? I've explained to medical residents that man is the creature who bills....Opposable thumbs? Tools? Language? Social organization? The apes, birds, whales & ants have crossed those thresholds Fuggettaboudit...the only thing that separates us from the savage beasts is the ability to mark off a charge ticket & pass to accounts receivable...though tire levers may also be significant

Glory said...

Man, THAT's why I started getting Bicycling without paying for it. I guess that makes sense.

PrimateBOT9000 said...

"What is man?"

An hairless ape. An ape is a tailless primate.

No monkeys here.

JB said...

We're all monkeys.

Think about it.

PrimateBOT9000 said...

"Think about it."

I think we are all (hairless) apes.

Why do you think we are monkeys?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!

ken e. said...

when someone says we're all monkeys, right away i'm going for the after-school t.v. references.

MIKI DLNZ

PrimateBOT900 said...

Ape Family Tree:

http://www.nature.com/scientificamerican/journal/v16/n2s/images/scientificamerican0606-4sp-I5.jpg

http://www.age-of-the-sage.org/evolution/human_evolutionary_tree.jpg

http://www.handresearch.com/news/pictures/primate-hands-family-tree.jpg

PBateman said...

i dont think its just man with accounts receivable.

i mean, i remember i was down at the local pub and this duck walks in and orders a drink and told the bar keep to "put it on my bill"

so....think about THAT.

that joke is just fowl.

wishiwasmerckx said...

The truth behind Darwin:
http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/x/noahs-ark-8440505.jpg

JLRB said...

If tire/tyre levers/irons are for woosies, is the same true for chain whips? (Yar, I jus grabs the cassette with one hand, the opposite side of the hub wit me teeth and rip er off?)

Or what about allen wrenches? Do the manly types just stick their, er, uh, pinky in the hole and twist?

PrimateBOT9000 said...

"The truth behind Darwin:"

Why are there only one of each species on that Ark? Most have been some serious cross breading and evolving going on after landing on Mount Ararat....

Anonymous said...

PrimateBot: Chimps, now STFU.

Drock said...

Like Elvis when I get flats I just leave em on the side of the road and go bye new. Down the middle.

PBateman said...

i remember overhearing some police officers investigating that same duck.

they said he was a known quack dealer and that they were determined to quack the case of where he was getting his supply.

PrimateBOT9000 said...

"now STFU."
Facts are stubborn things, they never shut up.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...what makes us different than monkeys? we give the best head of all the primates.

dop said...

no featherless bipeds?

streepo said...

Why don't ducks fly upside down?



So they won't quack up.

That would be bad. Ducks do not generally wear helments.

Herschel Raney said...

Actually I think Bonobos beat us in the sexual department. Probably even in giving head. I am not willing to test that hypothesis. Unless we start the test in Collarady, where I can get altered legally and look the lady Bonobo over reeeaall good.

Anyone who doesn't use tire levers or any tool that actually makes the job you are undertaking easier? Well those people need to stop. Just stop.

Took a ride today. So it is a good day. And seriously, don't follow Babble on Strava. It is emasculating. Well, in a good way.

dop said...

chimps can tell bar jokes

BamaPhred said...

You guys are all wise quakers. If you want to follow Babble, you have to get up at the quack of dawn!

JLRB said...

DOP - I love that joke!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...herschel, just because bonobo females scissor each other every two hours does not mean they do it better than our females...

...quality, not quantity... plus, i bet it doesn't come close to brazilian scissors!

PBateman said...

oddly enough i saw a duck at the movie theatre the other night. you know, that one near Park and Lexington....

anyway, i was a bit surprised and asked him, "are you a duck?"

he said, "yes"

i said "what are you doing at the movies?"

he replied "i liked the book"

only in New York City! am i right or am i right?

JB said...

I guess you're not thinking about it hard enough.

Hal said...

Sorry Dave. I meant a man dressed in a monkey suit throwing a tire lever high, high in the air... or was that a monkey wrench. Daisy Daisy ...

Tarzan said...

That wasn't a man in a monkey suit it was a cameo by Vito

gee business said...

Hey, wait a minute, I get Bicycling magazine without a subscription!


1904 Cadardi said...

Why doesn't a monkey get hairballs?

Brazilian waxing.

Angry Monkey in Mirimichi said...

"I remember that epic scene in 2001 A Space Odessy where that monkey throws a tire lever high, high into the air…"

Wasn't it a vibrator he threw and then Dorothy Rabinowitz came charging across the watering hole all bent out of shape about it.

N S E or W said...

"oddly enough i saw a duck at the movie theatre the other night. you know, that one near Park and Lexington…."

Park & Lex run parallel to each other for a whole bunch of miles.

Anonymous said...

AMIM @ 3:51.
No. I think not. Larger reptiles had all become extinct by then.

Anonymous said...

"Park & Lex run parallel to each other for a whole bunch of miles.

Not in Freeport, NY 11520 they don't.

I Dream of Genie with the Unzipped Kit said...

"Edward Leverhands said...

Just once I would love to foff off on this babbles boobs. Slight as they may be.

September 9, 2014 at 11:22 AM"

Not slight, medium! Per her selfie with kit unzipped.

Dumbo said...

Rob Ford is 'best mayor in Toronto history' so says Mike Tyson. I'd never give ear to anything that guy says.

Rob "the" Ford said...

Babble is always saying "Thanks for the Nips", but she never shows off her nips. There should be an investigation.

tom waits said...

i'm so horny the crack of dawn had better be careful

PBateman said...

@NSE:

you are right. my cover is blown. i made the duck story up. i was actually at the adult film theatre in times square working on my thumb strength.

here is a fun fact about ducks though. they are actually just wearing dog masks: http://ubersuper.com/all-ducks-are-wearing-dog-masks/

Anonymous said...

Hey Wildcat;

Is it part of your "job" to read all these comments?

If so my thoughts and prayer are with you...

PBateman said...

another duck i knew went to a bar to order a drink, and the barkeep said, "why the sad face"

the duck said, "because my alcoholism is destroying my family"

commentatorbot_943725 said...

Var Tyre Tool

Ohhh yes.

Many VAR tools are not immediately obvious as to their purpose. Oh, but that three times a year they get used it's,
"Lob bless VAR!" Their tire lever is the perfect example.


Does it get any bike-dorkier than VAR tools on your bench? I think not.

Ed Koch said...

"...the adult film theatre in times square..."

Are their any adult theaters left in/near Times Square?

Howlin in the Wind said...

A week ago I read about this terrible hacking of celeb nudies. Terrible invasion of the privacy. I could care less about seeing Jeniffer Lawrence, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Upton, etc, etc, nude. Now, Babble, that's a different story. Contemplating her self publishing, that turns me into Leroy's Dog's cousin Pavlov. UPDATE: Yesterday Reddit said they have taken down the pictures. Big of them now that they have been copied a hundred million times.

Anonymous said...

So what was the drivetrain noise?

Vernal Magina said...

You know it's weird, I tried watching "Over The Top" recently when it was on Netflix, and it just doesn't hold up like I remember.

Spokey said...

i haven't even seen hungry games 2

never subscribed to spots illustrated

Scarlett Johansson? if i knew what she(?) does/has done i'm sure i could deny any knowledge.

not sure why i should care any more about them getting hacked than i would my fellow comrades in pedals right here.

wishiwasmerckx said...

...99th...

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 100th!

Spokey said...

wiwm

congrats

and a slap on the monkey balls

i wasn't even paying attention. must be i haven't done my lumosity at all this week yet.

babble on said...

OMG, Snobberdooderdoo, I'm a bit like you! I scampered through the park like a lycra-clad chipmunk this morning, too... :D

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

How the fuck do you take the tire off the rim without a lever? Or put it back on, for that matter? I will acknowledge that it must have been the lever which pinched my spare the other day and left me stranded at stooooopid o'clock in the morning, a lycra clad chipmunk nearly late for work.

Freddy Murcks said...

There is something more than a little pathetic about bicycle-themed tattoos. I can't quite put my finger on what makes them so pathetic, but they are pathetic nonetheless.

paulb said...

I never thought I would gotta have Park tire levers. QVC?

Count of Sprint said...

i deflate it all the way if it isn't already. from opposite the valve, i just fold the tire over the rim. once the first bit is over the rim i just pull that initial bit towards the valve and the rest follows.

to put it on i do pretty much the same thing as Greenbelt linked to in https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XUFVrl0UT4 except that I don't use the toe straps.

perhaps for the removal i'm forcing the tire into the center channel like he talks about for mounting. Not sure about that.

Maybe its easier on my big rims than your fredwina rims.

babble on said...

Er... and these particular itty bitty titties have been out there for a while now...

babble on said...

Huh. re: the leverless change, I see it but I almost don't believe it. Well, I believe you can do it, but I have a hard enough time doing it WITH levers!

Roille Figners said...

With one hand, pull on the top of the tire, trying to lift the bead over the rim, whilst elsewhere on the tire, pushing the bead down into the "fond du jante" (bottom of the rim) and erotically massaging from the bottom to the top, first from 6:00 to 12:00 via 3:00, then 6:00 to 12:00 via 9:00, and alternate, OH GOD YESSSS, and that usually frees up enough slack to get 'er off with no toys or tools. But a lever is OK so long as you pronounce it LEEE-ver.

Best done while the wheel is still on the bike, so there's some force to pull against, either the weight of the bike or some sort of half-assed leverage.

commentatorbot_9374 said...

Babble might have the dreaded in-spec-but-0.001%-small tire on a in-spec-but-0.02%-large rim.

They are still out there.

dop said...

I'm amazed...in this great country of ours, with millions of women, we have to import our titties from Canada (on what seems to have been a cold day)...until our American cistern step up to the plate I need to ask that babble turn the other cheek as it were, and celebrate her symmetry by showing us the other side

Son of Sheldon said...




Babble 5:34,

Firstly, you have to be a big strong handsome man (like me), but a woman type could probably do if she's a tomboy.

To remove, completely deflate the tyres. Starting opposite to the valve "grab and push" the tyre with the tube still inside sideways over the rim. It might require some significant effort or it might just slide off quite easily, but in either case, you'll need to bend that bugger quite a lot so you're "dragging" it clear of the rim rather than lifting it "up and over".

Once you get a short section clear, the rest will fall free with minimal effort.

To reinstall, with the deflated tube completely enclosed in the tyre, insert the valve and ensure both beads in the immediate vicinity to the valve are fully seated. The rest of the tyre can be allowed to flop uselessly outside the rim at this stage. Then, with the palm of your hand, press down on the tyre over the valve and clasp your fingers around the rim holding the valve in place as if "grabbing" it. With your other hand, or more specifically, with the thumb on your other hand, push a section of tyre immediate adjacent to the firmly held down valve up and into the rim. Both beads might just pop into place quite easily, but if not, getting just one side in will suffice for the moment.

Having pressed a length of tyre in place, repeat the process on the other side on the valve pressing in an equal length of tyre. You can now release your grip on the valve section as it will stay in place, but care should still be exercised and I recommend pressing the tyre against the ground where the valve is while continuing to "pop" in the tyre in sections working alternate sides from the valve.

If you've only managed to install one bead, you're a girl or an effete weakling male who deserves to be mocked and ridiculed for all eternity, but regardless you should be able to push/slide in the uninstalled bead quite easily. If, towards the end of this process, you're left with a short section sticking out and stuck tight you may now resort to using a tyre lever. Shove it in an installed section between the rim and the tyre near the still sticking out bit, then as if opening a package with box cutters, slice the lever toward the errant section which should finally pop into place without damaging tubes.

What I want to know, though, is why don't we have airless tyres yet? You know, those things that were lauded as the future of tyres, like, a couple decades ago?


Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spokey said...

mostly agree with son of sheldon but he should have stayed in the boston area and learned a little more from dad. Like for instance you should do the above but with a "tire".

there have been airless tires. my brother was prez of the morris area freewheelers (or something like that). He used to get free stuff to test. Sort of like snobbie except he didn't have to type shit every day (come to think of it neither does snobbie). One was an airless tire. I never tried it but he reported it was really squirmy. Even though free he stopped using it.

This was back at least to the 90s as he moved out near the biek-sicking headquarters in '97** so they've been around for at least a couple decades

I would think it would be a problem as everyone wants different pressures and stuff. don't know how they'd handle that.



** not to be near them but kutztown has a nice micro-brewery where you can trade in your growlers or quaff on premises. also the velodrome races are interesting in the summer.

Dooth said...

I'm tyred.

Son of Sheldon said...



Sheldon in all his omniscience and omnipotence, belongs to the entire world and is from everyplace and everytime.

But if youse wanna get all hegemonic and imperialistic, please note Boston was settled by puritans while my town was settled by convicts.

Now tell me, whose preferred spelling would you favour, that of tea-party religious nutters flagellating themselves or anti-authoritarian bronzed surfer types types lovingly rubbing suntan lotion onto each other's beautiful expanses of naked flesh?

Hmm?

No contest really.

In light of that, I withdraw my pandering submissive use of the term "box cutters" in my earlier post and substitute "Stanley Knife".

Now go ride your bikes so youse stay healthy because youse won't be able to afford healthcare if youse get sick.


semi serious cyclist said...

the introspection is.... mesmerizing. so much shrubbery, so little salmon. I pine for the days of traffic play by plays so rich i would go full walter mitty and be transported to the midst of gritty Manhattan. mountain bike blogging is, you know, totally GoPro.

But please, do not mistake my critiques as criticisms, you are so far off the couch with your bicycle exploits you put 99 percent of the riders to shame with your proclivities. It's just me: I can't find traffic near where i live unless i go ride on the freeway. The trees? they look the same.

JLRB said...

Today = a milestone b-day of mine. I rode my age + 3 miles - more than doubled my inbound commute, and about 1.5 times usual route on way home. I know - nobody cares but it was fun so

Babs - more than a mouthful is mostly unnecessary.

Tired levers

JLRB said...

Today = a milestone b-day of mine. I rode my age + 3 miles - more than doubled my inbound commute, and about 1.5 times usual route on way home. I know - nobody cares but it was fun so

Babs - more than a mouthful is mostly unnecessary.

Tired levers

Anonymous said...

And you posted twice.

crank said...

ugh, no more crotchetal shots, please! i'm usually eating lunch when i read this!

Anonymous said...

And you posted twice.

Anon 10:09pm said...



Anon 10:35pm,

Smartarse.

Nacnud said...

Oh Noes - A Bee on my bike!

Better call the SWAT!

BTW, they're tyres. Tires is what someone does after a long squawk.

David Pearce said...

Dear Snob,

Thanks for the mountain interlude,

but I know you will keep us apprised of the Dulcie Canton case, like the time the NYPD decide to get around and interview the suspect in that case.

The situation of so many biking accidents not being investigated or prosecuted is a subject that needs a lot of "disassembling", "flushing", and "repacking" by someone really good and well-prepared, like yourself, Sir.

your blog pal in D.C.

***********

Anti-ribbit: 2841; Confidence lever: 1,000%

ken e. said...

duncan, over here it's spelled "tires".
as in "he tires easily", meaning puts a rubber on quickly. you probably call condoms something else too, and now shit is major tangental. -hugs, north america

Brass Monkey said...

My balls are cold.

What she said said...

Wiggins, meanwhile, had appeared to be floundering at the rear

babble on said...

You guys quack me up. :)
Ok. Next flat will see me at least try to replace the tire w/out levers. Because girls with very small brains sometimes pinch a tube and then they're fucked. Well, not literally. Least not till later on.

And summer's Vittoria Corsas are a whole lot easier to manage than winter's gatorskins, but still I use the little hook thingy to attach one lever to a spoke whilst I work the tire off with a second lever.

And I am with Miley. Free the nipple!!

semi serious cyclist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
semi serious cyclist said...

Babs, definitely use the tools you need to get the job done. Standing at the side of the road without the means to get the job done holds the team up.

Nothing like rolling by a group of similarly kitted riders, standing grouped like hyenas circling prey while one of the team stands in the center, struggling with their flat.

However, the vittoria tires are almost always a goot choice (Though stay far away from their randonneur tires- blech) vittoria road tires, the supple ones, usually slide on the rims like greased silk on butter.

That should be take with a grain of salt though. It's an observation skewed by years in the shop trenches, changing thousands of flats by manhandling them onto the rims like a gorilla trying to pick up his dry cleaning. But i suspect your vits will treat you like a set of high thread count sheets - A nice hand.

McFly said...

Always come correct when the nipple is erect.

dop said...

it was so cold the brass monkeys stayed home.

Why does wrm crochet while biking?

Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spokey said...

babs

remove the tire with levers and give the mount without levers a try.

try watching that video.

Spokey said...

JLRB

congrats and happy belated b-day

Riding your years certainly makes one want to turn back time.

virgos aren't bad. almost as good as libras

Spokey said...

yes that's what that hook is for. hooking on to the spoke

babble on said...

How did I miss that? Happy belated birthday kisses, JLRB! XX

I am definitely partial to a good tool, only it sucks when you have two tubes with holes in em, so I will give it a go...

babble on said...

Wooot! It was a triple crown morning on Stravadouchedom! Better than drugs, that... :D

JLRB said...

Spokey and Babs - Thanks for responding to my cry for attention

I resisted the urge to celebrate with a bike tatoo - although I did sketch out one of the masturbating monkey on a fred sled

Anon @ 10:09 - I posted it twice because, old age and stuff

1904 Cadardi said...

JLRB,

Birthday rides are good, so happy B-day. A buddy of mine rides his age every year, he's 70 and still shows up to the Saturday group ride. I want to be him when I grow up.

Babs,

The Gatorskins will loosen up over time and eventually be so slutty they'll slip over the rim like a drunken hooker. Or something like that. As SSC said "Use the tool that gets the job done." Like Bob Dole with a pocket full of viagra.

babble on said...

Yeah, 'cept I plan to wear them out before they have the chance.

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