Tuesday, July 8, 2014

The Knead For Speed!

46mph.

You know it as the speed at which Freds go "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"


Let's watch the video of this phenomenon again:



He's the Chuck Yeager of Freds.

Now, you too can evoke blistering speed, derring-do, and exuberant cries of "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" even while standing still, thanks to my latest "collabo" with the hatters at Walz Caps!


The hat they used is from their "moisture wicking" line, which means it's light, it's comfortable, and it feels like wearing a jersey on your head in the best possible way.  It's also got a racing stripe on it because it's FAST!


And it's specially designed so that the brim automatically flips up the moment you hit 46mph:*


*[Disclaimer: This is a lie, brim must be flipped up manually.]

Also, if you stand at just the right angle while ordering your post-ride coffee, your barista will know that you regularly flirt with Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo" speed and that you read the World's Greatest Cycling Blog:**


**[Disclaimer: Bike Snob NYC is not the World's Greatest Cycling Blog, and if anything your barista will just assume you're a shitty tipper.]

Here's what it looks like to God from On High when He's conferring upon you all manner of blessings because He smiles upon all who wear this cap:***


***[Disclaimer: BSNYC Industries LLC shall not be liable for God failing to bless you because He cannot see the Holy Hat under your helment, for even though He is the creator of the heaven and the earth, oddly He cannot see through styrofoam.  That's why you should always sin inside of a giant beer cooler.]

And here it is just sort of looking at you suggestively and saying "buy me:"


("I need some head.  Literally.")

Which you can do here:


And you can even bundle it, or any other "collabo" cap, or even a regular non-"collabo" Walz hat with a signed (by me, unfortunately) book!


So there you go.  It's a great time to be alive.

As for me, I've been testing out the "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo" cap at the Tour de France, and I won't confirm or deny that one of yesterday's crashes was caused by the "selfie" I took in the middle of the course:


What can I say?  I'm a part of the "selfie epidemic"--or, as I prefer to call it, "Selfiegate:"


Sure, the support of the thousands of fans that have shown up along the official route in England has been great to see, but as American Tejay van Garderen wrote on his Twitter account, "It’s a dangerous mix of vanity and stupidity."

As opposed to the pre-selfie days of amateur Tour de France photography, when it was just dangerous stupidity without the vanity:



Yes, there's just something about people riding bicycles that makes other people behave stupidly, and here's an article that examines this universal truth in the context of the Scott Simon Twitter Debacle:


But hey, let's not forget the vanity, and the best part of the article was the stuff about me::


(See that?  I'm popular and long-running!)

After that I mostly just skimmed it, though the author does a good job of articulating the pernicious manner in which we've been brainwashed from birth by the Automotive Industrial Complex:

We’ve been conditioned since infancy to ignore most of these fatalities, along with the behaviors that cause them. If you’re a typical American, your first experience of speeding was while strapped into a car seat, and you rode past half a dozen fatal accident scenes before speaking your first complete sentence. A lifetime of exposure has convinced us to normalize, dismiss or ignore most traffic violations, to the point where we routinely exceed the speed limit despite the knowledge that speeding causes more than 30% of all traffic fatalities.

This normalization is entirely a product of exposure, and that’s what makes bikes so comparatively frightening: we prefer the devil we know, even when it’s infinitely more bloodthirsty than the one we don’t.

Or, to put in another way, Americans are gas-guzzling morons who do stuff like this, which I'd never heard of until a reader alerted me to it:


For as little as $500, anyone with a diesel truck and a dream can install a smoke stack and the equipment that lets a driver “trick the engine” into needing more fuel. The result is a burst of black smoke that doubles as a political or cultural statement—a protest against the EPA, a ritual shaming of hybrid “rice burners,” and a stellar source of truck memes.

Works great on cyclists too:



At least Keith Maddox kept his noxiousness inside his truck.  Somebody needs to run a hose from this guy's exhaust right into the cabin and let him euthanize himself..

Lastly, returning to the subject of Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo" speed, here are some Canadians who are looking to almost double it:



Wow, these guys have put a huge amount of time and resources into projects that have no practical applications whatsoever.  For example, you may remember them as the team behind this contraption:


"Considered by many to be physically impossible, the project captured the imagination of people around the globe, became one of Kickstarter's top 20 featured projects, and resulted in a life-changing experience for the students involved."

"Considered by many to be physically impossible?"  I doubt anybody cared whether or not it was impossible.  How about "Considered by many to be utterly pointless?"  I'm fairly certain that flying around slowly on giant Leonardo da Vinci bicycle-copters is not, nor will it ever be, a viable solution to the problems of human mobility.  I also can't think of a less worthy cause than providing students with life-changing experiences, since students have easier lives and give less back to society than pretty much any other group of people on the planet.  They're supposed to be learning how to change our lives, not the other way around.

Nevertheless, next the team followed up with this useless airplane:


"We've developed the world's first human-powered flapping-wing aircraft."

Yeah?  And I've developed the world's first pissing honey bear, and the world doesn't need that either.  So what's your point?


(Okay, I didn't invent this.  But I could have!)

But most of all, they're way into the whole superfast rolling Fred sarcophagus thing:


"As well as several speed bikes getting faster and faster with each iteration."

Okay, so every time you build one of these things it goes slightly faster.  So what?  Where do we go from there?  Are we all going to be criss-crossing the continent one at a time in little suppositories one day?  I don't think so.  If you're going to improve upon human-powered vehicles, why not invent a nice bike basket or something?

Also, no way I'm backing two guys who look like this:


"We'll be working on the bike throughout the summer with the goal of challenging the land speed record this September in Battle Mountain, Nevada."

If you guys are working so hard then why aren't you more haggard?  Where are the coffee-stained shirts, tousled coifs, and bags under the eyes from all the sleepless nights?  I'm not giving any money to well-groomed people in $200 hoodies and pullovers.  They don't look like they need it.

Then again, you can't put a price on Canadian pride:


(Ramming speed!)

It's only a matter of time before Canada attacks us with a silent army of bike-copters, flappy-wing planes, and fully-faired recumbents.

It won't be "Red Dawn" so much as it will be "Fred Dawn."

91 comments:

Peter G said...

Holy carp, I never thought I'd win!

dana said...

Damn you!

Anonymous said...

Burkey podio

Atherton said...

Third fourth fiff

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

In the lead group.

Anonymous said...

Peloton

cervicalgia said...

happy 8th

James said...

early doors

Phorum Phred said...

The need for 11 speed

Anonymous said...

These guys need to think bigger. Why not a tandem/triple/quad suppository?

The real question is: how many Cat 6 Freds do you have to have spinning electric generators to move a high-speed maglev train across the country?

Blog Drafter said...

It's evolution in action...Snob posts earlier, I check in earlier, pretty soon there's a universe with life and people and everything, all happening early in the morning.

That's some deetch to runuminto thar, anyone know where that is?

That's actually a pretty cool hat, I believe you've made a sale.

Back to work!

DB said...

Fred Dawn.
Comment of the Day goes to our leader.
I'll be ordering a new cap.

Anonymous said...

The only way for bicyclists to get back at the Cummings is to track down their address and kidnap the hillbillies child at a young age and raise the child on a fixie and send Mr. Cummings pictures of his developments as child grows into an urban cyclist.

JLRB said...

6:49??!?!?!??

Bama Phred said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
McFly said...

It would have been classy to include a hyperlink to the Worlds Greatest Cycling Blog.

Bama Phred said...

Fred Dawn. The official start time of group rides everywhere.

JLRB said...

Now that I rubbed my eyes, scratched myself, twice, and read the post - I must say it is gold!

And I wannarunthatCummingsinadeetch!

Bama Phred said...

The speed guys need to go see Air Spear guy. I like rolling Fred sarcophagus, but I could have liked rolling Fred suppository, also.

ce said...

HATTERS GONNA HAT

JLRB said...

Is that a pink faggin in that Guerini Tirado video?

P. Bateman said...

i wont lie, i've owned a mercedes 240D and my dad had a Ford f250 diesel and lighting up tailgaters or other obnoxious drivers with a little blast of smog is certainly a woo-hoo inducing activity.

you can't really do this with any of the newer diesels so its a "problem" that should go away on its own at some point - although most diesels do last for 500K-1mm miles....

Bama Phred said...

Rollin' coal

For spoiled brat teenagers and toothless rednecks.

Typical response on a diesel truck forum to a rolling coal inquiry

"Do an oil analysis.

You'd have increased blow-by and end up with fuel in your oil.
Increased carbon deposits on valves.
Above normal EGTs.

And it hurts your self image because you'll look like a freaking retard."

It's fun once, but at the end of the day it's just plain stupid for a whole host of reasons.

I like the Snob's suggestion that these people run the exhaust inside the cab.

ce said...

"Fred Dawn", classic.

I just hope those Canadians don't make it as far down as Australia... Tomorrow, When the "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" Began.

Spokey said...

Yes, there's just something about people riding bicycles that makes other people behave stupidly

explains the typical motorist interaction doesn't it?

hot as balls said...

Do they make the cap without your logo? Cause it sucks.

dnk said...

what's not to like about the "seal of disapproval"?

I shoulda went to marketting class said...

You might want to strap yourself in for this shit. Green Cannondale R1000 - single speed. Yeah. Campagnolo Vento wheelset, Shimano 105 crankers and bb, 175mm because you got balls like two big watermelons ripe and ready to be filled with vodka. Gear inch around 75 so you can climb hills but still jump in and motopace if the wind is right and you're not too hungover. Salsa bash guard- No shit! You can ride without your pants catching in the chain and getting greasy so when you show up at the club you don't look like an asshole. Did I mention the carbon fork?- How about the Easton ea70 tt bar? Specialized carbon pave chairpole with the zertz insert for added comfort? How fucking awesome is that? But wait, there's more! Fizik Antares saddle, Crank bros candy peds(if you want them), and Raceblade fenders so your ass doesn't get wet on the way to whatever bullshit you got going on. Front and rear brakes for control in the corners. Front brake is campy and the rear is shimano no name but it's got swiss stop pads, so, there's that. Now before you decide to just write me a blank check for providing you with such an amazing opportunity, I got one more feature that will make all the girls go apeshit for you. You ready for this? I put a bell on the handlebar- awwww yeah. Ding ding mafucker. The chain has less than two hundred miles on it and the rubber is new. Rode this thing down to southern Murland and back a few times with no problems. There is a hop in the rear wheel from some pothole that jumped up out of nowhere in the middle of a race a number of years ago, but the rims are so bomb proof you won't notice.

p.s.- if you contact me with any questions that were either answered in the header or the text, the price will double for you because you've wasted my valuable time and you're a dick.

Anonymous said...

Hey - when is SNOB-CORP going public?

cycle

JB said...

Guess what? The bike that you've perfectly curated for yourself is imperfect for anyone else.

dnk said...

I shoulda went to marketting class @10:55 ----

Are there reflectors on the pedals?

Bama Phred said...

How about a Snob mood indicating hat? One with bib shorts guy when the bill is in the down position and with recumbabe when it is flipped up?

I shoulda went to marketting class said...

Negatory on the relfectors dude! But the bike has Rattitude!

Spokey said...

I shoulda went to marketting class @ 10:55

The chain has less than two hundred miles on it and the rubber is new.

Where do I get those chains with rubber on them? Or do I need to go to Staples, buy a bottle of rubber cement and run my current chain through it.

Blog Drafter said...

I ran into a group of those diesel smokers as I was barreling down I75 this spring, trying to get out of Ohio as quick as I could without incurring the wrath of the local Storm Troopers. I passed the first one as the rest of the group was strung out on an on-ramp (driving a regular sized Chevy truck). Apparently, that was Something Not To Be Done In Rural Ohio. The whole group organized behind me and then the first two roared up and boxed me in in front. Then the whole group (Fords and Rams) took turns blowing smoke at me. It was pretty cool. They were local boys, as they all got off at the next exit. I flashed a peace sign at a couple of them as they exited and they honked and laughed.

Rednecks blown' smoke on the interstate. I guess you can't watch corn grow all day without going a little nuts.

crosspalms said...

And those bar-end tassels -- what color are they?

JB said...

Not a bad little commuter, except the TT bars with a bell leaves a bad taste. What else could be wrong?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...woulda podoioed... but i got lost in the black smoke.

Synonymous said...

Kickstart this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bA-Zm-w1JyM

Bryan said...

the equivalent of people who roll coal

babble on said...

Podium kisses, Peter G. XX Just pee in the bottle, mkay?

Wooooo hoooooo hoooooooo. Yer hot today, snobbers. xo

ObviousBot9000 said...

I shoulda went to marketting class at 10:55 AM

Apparently it is a waste of your valuable time to list the size and price.

wishiwasmerckx said...

A human-powered flapping winged aircraft? I am a human-powered fapping winged aircraft...

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...if canadians on Fred Dawn came down to canada's muffler and stuck their suppositories in redneck's scanuses (scranii), i will sew a maple leaf to my panniers and start being nice and saying 'ey'.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Today's post was painful for me, because at one particularly dark period in my life, I locked myself in the garage with the Prius running. Somehow I lived on to tell the tale...

mikeweb said...

6:53 must be blogger WooHoo time.

Spokey said...

6:53 is about when I wake up for the second pee.



I may nditior today although it's already pretty hot & humid

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Kanadiens... They talk so funny.

babble on said...

Don't worry, snobberdoodles. On Fred Dawn day, you guys can just choke us with all of that black smoke you're blowing out your collective tailpipes.

Eh.

RoadQueen said...

I still want a recumbent for enjoyable, leisurely all-day sight seeing trips.

I do not want it to look like a coffin.

Flying would be ok, though.

104 - That's no fun.

Roille Figners said...

I would barge in here with a hearty WOO-HOOO-HOOOO, but clearly I am not clocking that kind of speed or anything close to it on this particular morn.

Roille Figners said...

However: Sweet lid brah. I would almost buy it if I weren't so partial to the gleaming shine of my bald spot.

Roille Figners said...

regarding your quaint coal-rolling

This proves you can get justice. (If you happen to be a cop. The rest of us unfortunately will probably have to do the time once we're done putting 15 rounds into one of these muh-fuggaz.)

DB said...

Hmm. Good comments from WIWM @11:49 and Mikeweb @ 11:51.
COD is opened back up.

CAV-daver said...

I tried to head-butt my way onto the podium. Well, you see how well THAT worked out.

ken e. said...

still smarting from yesterdays erudite slap-downs. (smirking)

NICE HAT!
CAN FLY
WHOO HOO!

Regular guy said...

Woman: "Why are you so stupid?"

Man: "I'm sorry, but that guy over there, he's riding a bicycle!"

People get even more stupid when someone slap wings, copter blades, pontoons, or a fairing on a bike. So watch out, I've warned you. Next thing you know, people are wearing stupid hats.

scott simple-simon said...

if you think conservative talk show hosts are idiots, the medal of idiot honor goes to all liberal/progressive radio talking heads. Just listen to air america for an example. oh wait, they are kaput, no one listened to that schmutz.

Comment deleted said...

We'll all need GoPros pretty soon. Even then, these good 'ol cowards will probably cover up their license plates when they do their manly soot ejaculations.

Meditate too long on this childish behavior and the Keith Maddox-mind that is behind it, and the flare holster starts to sound like a good idea.

Comment deleted said...

scott simple-simon: maybe that's because non-developmentally-retarded listeners don't get off on idiots spouting nonsense, whatever the color of their flag.

leroy said...

Well now I know why my dog borrowed my credit card.

Last time BSNYC announced a Walz collabo, my dog got his buddies together for his Oprah impression: "You get a cap, and you get a cap, and you get a cap...."

Thank goodness the BSNYC/Hyundai leasing collabo hasn't dropped.

I shoulda went to marketting class said...

ObviousBot9000 at 11:44

The price is now double for you cuz yur a dick

Anonymous said...

pernicious. and tousled coifs. all before breakfast.
dude...

Spokey said...

dang

and I thunk I'd get a price double too from I shoulda went to writing class



don't need no stinkin' cap 'cause I'm covered bsivianae

le Correcteur said...

What a great lead in to that final sentence: Red dawn; fred dawn. If you were a TdeF domestique, your team's top rider would have definitely won today's stage!

balls™ said...

The coal smoke rolling drivers actually do us all a service. By letting us know they are no smarter than a bag of hammers, we know to avoid them in traffic. Just drive away, and hide your sheep.

Anonymous said...

"Fred Dawn" You! [pinches cheeks]

Anonymous said...

How'd you take that selfie without the TV running into you?

JLRB said...

As much as I'd like to purchase BSNYC stuff to support the source of time wasting for so many, I have the books and generally don't wear hats, and I don't think I've ever worn a beik hat. Create high quality t-shirts and I'm in. First one is obvious - my other bieks a bong, if the biek crusher will release the trademark (or hasn't sold it to SpecialEd)

gE said...

Nice hat, but doesn't really go with my "My other bike is a bong" t-shirt.

HATW HORE


I shoulda went to marketting class said you've wasted my valuable time and you're a dick.

Yup.

Angry Beaver in Miramichi said...

"Ramming Speed" We kept you alive to serve this ship Bike Snob. Row well and live number 41"

Angry Beaver in Miramichi said...

6:53 AM. That has to be some kind of record for PS. I mean, Holy Smoke, out in Babbleville it was 3:53

Anonymous said...

RE: “I shoulda went to…”
It used to be Mr. Snob had to search the internet to find ridiculously overpriced and over-customized bikes to make fun of; now the owners bring them to him for free. The blog Mr. Snob created is so great it runs itself.

Black Smoke, No New Pope in Vancouver said...

Black smoke is pouring out of my computer's speakers. I can't see, my lungs, I can't see Babble's lungs, I can't, I can't…..(curtains).

Cipo, accept no substitute said...

There's something about the color combo of that hat that leads me to the conclusion that Cipo wouldn't have sex wearing it even if Babble flew all the way from Vancouver to Italy..

Dooth said...

That WooHoo cap needs a full kit, and bike in matching colorway.

Geoffroid said...

46 is Valentino Rossi.

1904 Cadardi said...

I finished the Gran Fondue a week ago (it was hard, thanks for asking) and got "coal-rolled" by a big black truck. It blasted the riders right up the road as well. I was riding with a nice woman who said "What an asshole. What makes someone so hateful?"

Excellent question. They must have some serious anti-social, psychotic tendencies and probably lead miserable lives. I really feel sorry for them.

Of course I still want to toss a few flares because I'm a petty and spiteful, but she sure got me thinking.

ps. Went hairy legged because in the end I'm lazy, and almost hit 60 WITHOUT and air spear. Did not say Whoo-hoo-hoo.

babble on said...

Mmmmm "Wooo hooooo hoooo!!" ing is one of my very favourite things, and surprisingly enough this Vancouver Fred was UP at 3:53 many mornings over the winter just so I could do so.

Um, and Guilty. Sometimes I do "wooo hooo hooo!" out loud. If I'm not singing at the top of my lungs, that is. I just can't help myself! :D


The only other thing you're likely to find me doing at that hour (b'sides sleeping, of course)is praying to God between the sheets with an intimate friend. Out loud or not. As you do.

And THOSE are two of the many reasons I usually reply "I'm happy," when people ask me how I am. People who aren't getting enough, and who don't know well enough to ditch the stupid car for a bike? OF COURSE they're miserable.

They lead sad, sorry lives. Suckers.

JLRB said...

"They lead sad, sorry lives. Suckers."

Which leads them to roll some coal ... sexually frustration and diesel fueled monster trucks go hand and ...

JLRB said...

Someone needs a bandaid!

soiler alert

Matt said...

So it costs $500 to add the smoking feature to your Cummins diesel? That'd buy a lot of cigarettes, I'm surprised these rednecks can afford it.

McFly said...

That hat is pretty sweet. It would match the $50 Billibong swim trunks I just picked up in a damn RonJon in Ocean City Maryland. $50 for some trunks. WTF was I thinking. Wish I could speak for the rednecks but I do not even like it when I mix the gas too rich in my Honda and it smokes a little.

Nacnud said...

"It's also got a racing stripe on it because it's FAST!"

No. It goes fast because it's got a RACING STRIPE.

Dex Banner said...

Glad to have found your site. Keep up the good work! DB Product Review

ce said...

As a 1:2 scale redneck, driving a 1300cc rice burner Suzuki 4x4, the best I can do to make a statement is twiddle with the windscreen washer jets and aim the water spray up over my roof and out over any bystanders. My windscreen is getting pretty dirty, I can't really see where I'm driving anymore, but it sure is worth it to let those water conservers know what I think of them as I pass by.

Big Cheez said...

Zoobombers break 46mph every week in Portland!

Jonathan Whitney said...

Jeez, I didn't want to have to be "that guy" but I just have to interject on the human powered helicopter project. It actually was kind of a big deal in the sense that it was for the Sikorsky prize, established in 1980, and netted the group a quarter of a mil that they can then use to further other projects that involve students at the University of Toronto. Are the projects kind of useless? Well, yeah, but they are simply educational engineering challenges to build skills for these students so that they are well equipped to work on things that actually do matter.

millican said...

So, if rolling coal is supposed to be some conservative response to liberals, how do conservative cyclists feel about it when it happens to them?

Anonymous said...

""Considered by many to be physically impossible?" I doubt anybody cared whether or not it was impossible. How about "Considered by many to be utterly pointless?" I'm fairly certain that flying around slowly on giant Leonardo da Vinci bicycle-copters is not, nor will it ever be, a viable solution to the problems of human mobility. I also can't think of a less worthy cause than providing students with life-changing experiences, since students have easier lives and give less back to society than pretty much any other group of people on the planet. They're supposed to be learning how to change our lives, not the other way around."

I think when the light bulb was invented, it was considered a "pointless" -invention by as stupid people like you. Inventions always evolve, that's why every research is valuable.

People change life of others by FIRST changing their self. They live and learn and pass it to others. Unlike you, with rooted way to think and attitude, are unable to change OR learn. That's why you are not a student or will ever change anything.

Happy living in your little bubble.

Anonymous said...

Belittling the efforts of others looks much (FSVO "much", obv) more credible if you can be bothered to check the facts. The ornithopter came before the helicopter. And while you may be able to scoff at the 250,000 USD Sikorsky Prize trousered by the team...