BSNYC Fried Egg Fun Quiz!

It's Farger's Day this weekend!

That means this afternoon I'll be packing my bags full of thousands of dollars of outdoorsman equipment for an all-weekend knobby-tire camping adventure Duderfest with my Dad-bros in an "epic" all-terrain douche-down!

Just kidding!

As a thoroughly domesticated urbanite, I do my very best to always use my own toilet in the morning, and to always go to sleep in my own bed at night.  Sure, I like to squeeze as much riding as possible in between, but my approach to nature is decidedly Victorian--I like it to be clearly delineated, neatly contained, and in close proximity to the mall:

If you get a few drinks in me I'll tell you about the time I got lost for four days and finally stumbled emaciated and half-mad from dehydration into the Cheesecake Factory.

Also, I've got all the nature I can handle on the mean streets of the Bronx:

(Prélude à l'après-midi d'un Fred.)

Le Fred, c'est moi.

In other news, here's some total bullshit from NPR about bike share and helments:

Rental stations across town give people a quick way to get around — and get some exercise.

But there's a catch.

When you pick up a bike, you usually have to bring your own helmet or go without one. If you ride with your hair flapping in the breeze, your risk for brain injury goes up.

OH NO, THEY'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!

(You maniacs!!!)

Of course, as it turns out, the people conducting the study actually have no idea what the fuck they're looking at, but why would the let that stop them from concern-trolling?

Now, a study like this one can't prove cause and effect. Other factors that might have been missed by the researchers could have been at work. The researchers didn't have information on individual patients and don't know whether the people who were hurt in bike-share cities were actually using bikes they rented. Also, a bump seen in the graph showing the proportion of head injuries before the launch of bike-share programs might be a sign of problems with the data.

I'd love to know who paid for this study.  My suspicion is that it was jointly funded by General Motors, Easton-Bell Sports, and Dorothy Rabinowitz.

One thing's for sure, though, which is that mandatory helment laws would certainly reduce brain injuries among bike share users.  In fact, they'll probably eliminate them altogether, since nobody will use the damn bikes in the first place.  When I went to Melbourne (where helments are mandatory) I can't recall seeing anybody using the bike share program:

(Melbourne bike share fleet covered with cobwebs, or koala webs, which are the Australian equivalent.)

In fact, I saw more people doing their laundry shirtless than I saw people using bike share:

Just wait until Australia passes a helment law in laundromats.  Laundry-related injuries will go down to zero, but nobody will wash their clothes, and Australians will become even more fragrant than New Zealanders.

Anyway, helments are clearly a panacea, because nobody ever gets hurt playing football.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right that's great, and if you're wrong that's not great, and also you'll see rural slam poetry.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and never stray too far from the mall.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

("Hey there, Sugarnads.  Got any petal dust?")

1) Which is not among the Yorkshire terms of endearment to be avoided by Tour de France volunteers?

--Mate
--Love
--Darling
--Sugarnads

2) What is Chris Froome doing?

--Using an asthma inhaler
--Eating some energy gel
--Using amyl nitrite, commonly known as "poppers"
--Taking a quick whiff to assess his "frumunda situation" after reaching into his bib shorts and adjusting himself

(Note to self: don't buy a used bike seat from this guy.)

3) In a controversial marketing ploy, representatives from Coppertone will be giving out samples of "Taint Maintain," their soon-to-be-released sunblock stick formulated specifically for private parts, at tonight's World Naked Bike Ride in New York City.

--True

--False

4) This is an example of:

--Biomimicry
--Luminescent whiskers for your bike
--Something stupid that will never, ever catch on outside of Burning Man (unless by "catch on" you mean "catch onto a passing truck")
--All of the above

(Cat Sicks.)

5) Lance Armstrong was recently spotted in New York City taking part in a "Cat 6" race on a Citi Bike.

--True
--False

(So light you can hold them in the palm of your hand!)

6) Finally!  A keychain that:

--Weighs a whole 40% less than a "regular" keychain
--Provides "greater leverage" for opening locks
--Requires you to mangle your keys, rendering them indistinguishable from one another and difficult to copy and remove, as well as offers little or no compatibility with odd-shaped keys
--All of the above

7) Fill in the blank:

Over The Eight - m4w

I was outside with a friend. You came out, we chatted. We talked about your "natural blonde" hair. I tapped your bike helmet. You had __________. Your name was Erin.

--"tiny hands"
--"hard breasts"
--"wonderful bones, great eyes, and you dress really interestingly"
--"luminescent bike whiskers"

***Special After-Crashing-Into-Somebody-Always-Assign-Blame-To-Them-Immediately-Themed Bonus Video!***

Hey, it works for drivers...