Thursday, May 8, 2014

It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Smell Pine)

So not sure if you heard, but apparently there's this thing called "climate change," and the upshot is we're all going to either fry or drown, depending on where we live:



The effects of human-induced climate change are being felt in every corner of the United States, scientists reported Tuesday, with water growing scarcer in dry regions, torrential rains increasing in wet regions, heat waves becoming more common and more severe, wildfires growing worse, and forests dying under assault from heat-loving insects.

Yep, heat-loving insects.  Here's what they'll look like:


If you're smart, you're making plans, and as a graduate of a state university who broke a thousand on his SATs (but only after taking an intensive prep course) you can bet I'm dealing with this problem head-on.  (Always wear your helment when dealing with problems head-on.)  Here's how:

First, I've moved my family to higher ground and onto the mainland so that I can watch and laugh from the parapet as the other four boroughs are swallowed up by the sea.

Second, climate change means extreme weather such as massive blizzards in winter, baronial rainstorms in spring, scorching heat in summer, and flesh-eating locusts in autumn.  For this reason, I now seize every single fair-weather opportunity to fuck off for a bike ride, because there aren't going to be too many left.

In other words, if I check my phone and see this, I drop whatever it is I'm doing and grab the nearest bike:


Unless what I'm doing is eating a sandwich, in which case first I finish eating the sandwich, and then I take a nap if the sandwich made me sleepy.

Third, I'm raising my seventeen (17) children to flourish in a post-apocalyptic wasteland ravaged by heat-loving insects in which antibiotics are useless and toxic floodwaters lap at our ankles, forcing us ever inland until we're all huddled for survival atop the Continental Divide like those US Airways passengers who landed in the Hudson.

Unfortunately, I haven't quite figured out how to raise them for survival, especially given the increasing disparity between rich and poor.  Basically, I'm torn.  Part of me thinks I need to groom them to make billions of dollars and join the ruling elite, and part of me thinks I need to train them to hunt and kill and scavenge and use weapons and be resourceful so that they thrive as rebel soldiers in the inevitable class war.

Then I realize I have no idea how to make billions of dollars or be resourceful on an elemental level, so instead I just placate them with juice boxes and Netflix.

In the meantime, I try to console myself with the fact that people who are smarter, got higher SAT scores, and went to better colleges than me are hard at work averting the destruction of the Earth and building a better future, and indeed the key to our survival can be summed up in two words:



Sure, car-dependence is highly impractical, uses a shitload of resources, and contributes to the totally ass-tarded city planning you find in 99% of the United States, but maybe if the computers are driving the cars it will all work out, right?  Yeah, that's the ticket!  All we really need to sort out now is who they run over in the EXTREMELY UNLIKELY event that anything goes wrong:


The problem is starkly highlighted by the next scenario, also discussed by Noah Goodall, a research scientist at the Virginia Center for Transportation Innovation and Research. Again, imagine that an autonomous car is facing an imminent crash. It could select one of two targets to swerve into: either a motorcyclist who is wearing a helmet, or a motorcyclist who is not. What’s the right way to program the car?

Hey, awesome, it's "Sophie's Choice" on wheels!

Here's an idea: instead of having the car decide whether to run over the kid on the tricycle or the woman pushing a stroller, why not just make the car fucking implode?  That way, the only victim is the driver.  It's time we brought a little nautical honor to the roadways here in Canada's udder.  The captain should always be ready to go down with the ship, even if that ship is a Prius running on the Android operating system and the voyage is a run to the Whole Foods in Gowanus--which should be swept out to sea any day now.

Of course, there are people who are working on alternatives to the robot car, like this bunch of brainiacs who have invented a recumbent sperm mobile:


Amazing.  I've always yearned for the sensation of being buried alive while traveling to the store to buy absolutely nothing because of the complete lack of cargo space.  Not sure how useful this contraption is for, well, anything really, but I'd sure love to see some good YouTube video of the typical Walmart customer trying to squeeze into one.

If only there were some sort of machine that was relatively inexpensive, required no fossil fuels, carried cargo, posed virtually no threat to other road users, and could travel for miles at a time under human power:



Alas, a perpetual motion machine like that is the stuff of myth.




I do love my Big Dummy, but my favorite was the Fred porn:


Full Scattante kit, a Primal jersey, and a GoPro manssiere?  Wow.  That's almost TMFFOR!  (Too Much Fred For One Ride.)

Lastly, in yesterday's post I included the following photo of the Son of Scattante:


Which prompted a reader to ask me a number of questions, including this one:

5) Are you aware that your carrying-a-bike-on-a-train-craft is lousy?

Then, he included the following photo, ostensibly an example of how to do it properly:


Now that's TMBDFOT!  (Too Much Bike Dork For One Train.)  About the only thing missing is a GoPro manssiere.  (Though I suspect the guy on the right simply hasn't slipped his on yet.)

Speaking of trains, some sort of tandem conveyance with space for hundreds of passengers running on a dedicated roadway between the suburbs and the city center could make for a safer and more efficient alternative to the robot car.

Yeah, right, it'll never happen.

111 comments:

Anonymous said...

fuck bike to work day

David Behroozi said...

Podium

Anonymous said...

Dmitri Fofonov

JB said...

I need a 7 speed road cassette that's woosier than 13-23. Any suggestions. All I can find are recreation level stuff. Replacing 105 level. Scranus be with you.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Top ten climate

JB said...

With a 28 in back, I would have podio'd. Finish at the top of a climb, apparently.

Anonymous said...

top ten

Kenny said...

Great! The world is ending and I still don't have my promised art that I "won" by entering my real email address in the comment section all those weeks ago!

le Correcteur said...

top ten; early today, Snob.

sigslat Full

Robot identity check said...

Please prove you're not a robot car:

gopro manssiere

JB said...

Kenny, I don't know about this art, but there's a good chance that the anticipation of the art is better than the art itself. On the other hand, maybe the art prize that is unfulfilled is performance art in itself. Or Snob has important pre-apocalyptic riding to do.

le Correcteur said...

"I just placate them with juice boxes and Netflix."

From this wonderful quote (modern child rearing in a sentence) to the neologism of "manssiere" for a GoPro, you're on fire today, Snob. And these gems, nay diamonds, are what keep me coming back, and even make me geek out by sprinting for the virtual finish line with the other geeks!

Roille Figners said...

Loving the early posts since here in Pacific Time it allows me to get my procrastination in BEFORE I even do a lick of work.

Snobz you should build a dock. For when the other 4 boroughs are inundated. YOU'LL BE RIAAATCH!

Robot cars - yes let's cede even more autonomy to the ROBOTS. Have we learnt(*) nothing from Hal, Skynet, etc.? Bad enough the traffic lights are controlled by robots. That always bothered me. And I'm supposed to obey it like it's a real cop.

(*)baronial spelling

Anonymous said...

a better future awaits in the off-world colony. scranus!

Flyover BC said...

My first impression is that juice boxes at netflix are adequate preparation for the coming whatever it is that chicken little is afraid of.

But I changed my mind. Get them outside and let them work on their primal skills by playing something, anything.

DB said...

Excellent today, Wildcat.
Here in the Midwest, we will fry, drown, freeze and have the locust issue, but we do already. I guess it'll just be more so. There is a survivalist store in the next county I may visit soon. Portable solar cell generators, medical kits, MRE's and......bicycles.

Roille Figners said...

In the post-apocalyptic world I have chosen to be among the die-off. This frees me from worry and from prepping.

The robots must be mad at me -- I can't read the fucking captchaz (boyyyee).

PS Hey Google, fuck your robot car.

babble on said...

Th Th Th Thurrrrrrrrrsday! Oh fuck, has the climate changed ALREADY?

DB said...

Kenny. I swear to Lob we're gonna get that art work for you.
I think it's at Christies right now.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...je suis 20.

Kenny said...

I'd better get a larger mailbox so the mailman won't have to fold fold the art to get it to fit inside!

Thanks!

DB said...

It may be at the framers, maybe that's what the delay is.

dancesonpedals said...

Climate Change PTUI!!!

BENGHAZZZZZZZZIIIIII!!!!!

BTW, is that guy in the red shirt on the dork train James Franco? Pining for Anne Hathaway?

James said...

I smelled pine this morning but it was just the nasty bucket the cleaning crew left in my office last night.

Captcha says.. obey the
lionpolu law

babble on said...

Hey! As a dedicated apocaloptimist, I fuck off and go for a bike ride every chance I get, too, Snobberdooderdoo. Rain or shine. 'Cept today. And tomorrow. Cause I want my legs to have lots of go in them on Saturday... :)

rudimentary peni said...

Your punk roots are quite evident in today's misanthropy, and I greatly approve.

Destroy to give birth to technology, to quicken the killing of you and me.

ouabacher said...

Thank Lob. I thought insects would NEVER make the news, leaving your insectoid TT pic to languish in some forgotten "stock pics" folder on your i whatever device.

McFly said...

I Smell Pine....

That's a good pun there Pun Master.
In order to be a Pun Master you have to behead an existing Pun Master and steal his power.

It's the only way to get a head in the Pun Game.

RoadQueen said...

Today is the nicest day of 2014 here in the region. I'm stuck behind a desk, and I can't grab a bike or anything else for a ride.

Snob - I'm kind of hating you for rubbing it in my face right now.

This weekend at least I won't be working or have any other real plans. But of course it's going to thunderstorm over the weekend, so fuck me.

3G said...

So...basically you're moving to Rockaway Beach?

Roille Figners said...

McFly - there can be only pun.

Anonymous said...

Raising children for survival? Just get some Bear Grylls dvds. No problem.

cycle

Anonymous said...

33 - why do I even bother.....

Anonymous said...

My two favorite websites besides this are Clusterfuck Nation and Nature Bats Last. This post was like a combination of the two combined with biking! I'm feeling surprisingly optimistic for a change today.


Snobsterscranuliciousdoom

Anonymous said...

Robot cars have to better than humans at making decisions. Oh, they are using windows. We're screweddddddddddddddddddddddd.

cycle

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...Kenny, i think we need to start a crowdsoucing campaign to retrieve your art from the high grounds where the wildcat lives.

dancesonpedals said...

you can't have a woody without pine...if it's tiny it's a piny, and of course, I won't tell anyone you have splinters in your mouth, if you don't tell them I have a

scolopax minor indeed

Anonymous said...

What's more efficient, a a B.O.B. trailer or a cargo bike? Which is more fashionable? Which is best for carrying pets? I have a Jack Russell I would like to bring along for the ride occasionally.

Alice

Anonymous said...

There once was a man from Gowanus...

Anonymous said...

JB - Micro up front?

Anonymous said...

If the sea level gets too high maybe we can convert our regular bikes to water bikes.

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4045535/

Googling water bicycle and looking at the images was slightly amusing.

Comment deleted said...

Anon @ 12:55:

da dee dee dee dee da deedadee
da dee dee da
da dee dee da
Hey Arcbhishop, that's my anus!

Anonymous said...

Cargo lady sure had a big enough box. On the other hand backpack train girl had a very nice ass that looked tight as a bongo drum.

Wonder if an engineer could toot toot in her dark tunnel? Them nerd girls are pretty damn freaky.

dancesonpedals said...

comment deleted...why was the archbishop humming the theme from exodus?

Anonymous said...

As someone else mentioned, I can't believe Snobby is giving attention to something as insignificant and inconsequential as runaway global warming when the tragic and unnecessary deaths of the Bengazi attack are still fresh on the minds of everyone. How can our children feel safe about their future when the security of American Embassies in obscure Muslim countries is only a passing concern.

The IPCC should be banished and converted to the IBCC; International Bengazi Conspiracy Council.

Anonymous said...

You would have a tight ass too if you rode with a 100 pound overloaded Saloman backpack everyday.

the end is nearer said...

I hear the great Specialized bike making company is coming out out with an Apocalypse Bike. It's basically just a road bike with an extra water bottle cage for those scorching hot dry days to come.

Anonymous said...

Global warming on your blog, gun control on your twitter...someone has been hitting the bong extra hard these days in their dorm room.

Anonymous said...

^
|
twat

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:27pm,

You?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

flapjacks_flanders said...

Dock blogging. The new media sensation.

Uh ohhhh... I couldn't find climate change anywhere in The Bible. I even looked in the holy hand grenade texts.

No climate change means no dock for you and Canda's scranus is great. Go 'merikuh! With guns!

Fred of the Sea said...

Sail-Fredding has a great future as roads get flooded and beautiful new regatta venues open in places like the Adirondack Islands. Too bad I suck at that, too.

Two hit and runs on cyclists, yesterday in the DC area, and one victim served with a traffic summons in her hospital bed after the cop talked to the driver. Spring is sprang.

Anonymous said...

Ride with a pro today.

https://blog.uber.com/UberCYCLE

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JB said...

Anon @ 12:57: I don't know if you're asking or suggesting, but I have 42/53 up front (170mm).

Also, the cassette is worn out.


Alice @ 12:52: You said "occasionally," so I say get a trailer, unless you want to purchase a bike that you only use occasionally (n+1 and all that).

babble on said...

42?! I would never make it up half the hills round here.

It's true, y'know. When you go car-lite and ride bikes with kids, some people call you crazy and others call you super-mum. And some bright young things follow suit... :)

JB said...

Babble: don't forget about the other benefit: Milfy stems and rump.

Mr Plow said...

I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

Buffalo Bill said...

Taught my grandson how not to pop a wheelie yesterday. First thing to remember, don't clip in.

Ooof, my ass hurts.

Anonymous said...

Wo ! Lots of political stuffs in the Snoboverse today!
So complex too.
Used to be that all political comments exchanges went like this:
-Obama is a marxist.
-George Bush is a war criminal.
-Ron Paul.


Now we have to really believe that a few Escalades and child labor camps in China are changing the temps outside and forcing hordes of helpless hapless people off their flooded island paradises to get eaten by ubiquitous polar bears.

Now we have to actually take up pitchforks to deal with this "income inequality" thing. (seems like trying to do something about gravity or the instantaneous failure mode of crabon... some stuff just IS // I guess that depends on what the meaning of the word IS is).

I think the robot cars will transcend us all, just like Johnny Depp in the movie. The Toyota Pius of the future will definitely have us all licked, one soft target helmentless rider at a time.

I looked outside and said Fuck it I'm taking the train. I don't trust the analog automobiles that I own.

vsk / wall street douchebag



that ain't punny said...

There was a man from Gowanus...
Who pedaled 'til he blistered his scranus


SIR heddlan

CommieCanuck said...

Nothing will go wrong with autonomous cars, we have solid expertise from Microsoft and Apple maps. The only difference is that the MS blue screen of death will now be literal, and you will need an app to drive through the window of a Dunkin Donuts/Tim Hortons*.

*where Robs Fords was spotted yesterday in "rehab".

Robs Fords said...

I'm in rehab in my sister's basement.

Flyover BC said...

Should that have been the

Toyota Pious ? Smugness?

How about a

Honda Hindsight ?
Chevrolet Bolt?

CommieCanuck said...

I hear the great Specialized bike making company is coming out out with an Apocalypse Bike. It's basically just a road bike with an extra water bottle cage for those scorching hot dry days to come.

Snob has an injunction against them for the use of the term, apocalypse, which is very similar to his major money-making product, alpaca lips*.

*It's a sex toy thing, don't ask.

Anonymous said...

Raining here in nyc today, had to take the subway. I had a minor altercation with someone who accidentally reverse frottaged me, and not in a good way. the person opted to stand against me, as if I were a wall, rather than next to me, where there was much more room. I got a little annoyed and asked him to move, it escalated slightly and everyone looked at me like I was insane I hate rainy days.

CommieCanuck said...

Robs Fords spotted while in rehab

Name said...

Did I see the King of Park Slope and his lady friends singing on the smug cargo video?



I am Testator Amonwar!

db said...

When can I pull a permit to raft through Times Square?

ge said...

Snob, inspirational post today.

Anyone know where I can get a top tube sticker that says:

I'D RATHER BE DRIVING MY CAR, BUT, YOU KNOW, CLIMATE CHANGE

or do I have to Kickstart it?

Anonymous said...

Yeah just LOOK at all the "political" topics:

climate change
robot cars
trains

JB said...

Can I use an XTR chain (CN-HG91)on a roading bike? It's a 7/8 speed, which I need. New cassette will be Shimano CN-HG50, 7 speed.

Oh well, I'm ordering them. If they don't work, I'll chalk it up to ... something.

Anonymous said...

Buy all the metric wrenches you can. A post climate change world will need good wrench turner.

DB said...

Kenny/
Someone bought a Picasso today for 31.5 million that's not quite as good as your Snob artwork. You better insure it as soon as it comes.

Roille Figners said...

^
|
Recent Chinese immigrant, not comfortable with plural

Roille Figners said...

Ah well that got fucked up.

babble on said...

JB - Oh dear. You reminded me of an uncomfortable situation which has reared it's one-eyed head again. It happened just before the first son hit puberty, too.

There comes a day when the boys' friends stop looking at me as the bearer of snacks, video games, rules and curfews, and instead start giving me the "sexy once over." And I just want to laugh, cause they're BABIES, but that's not kind, so instead I pretend not to notice.

Dooth said...

We're in deep shit. Deep Purple shit..."smoke on the water, fire in the sky" shit.

Ben said...

Just when you thought that Prius drivers couldn't get any worse...

@JB What is this, some sort of how-to forum on Shimano compatibility? I'd make sure you get an XTR 11 speed chain, HG30 7 speed cassette and some new Campy Super Record shifters. You'll be all set.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Belt drive JB. C'mon get with the program.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Look on the bright side Wildcat, At least with 17 kids you'll be able to set up a killer defensive perimeter around the compound.

ge said...

Babs, so you're saying 7-speed cassettes remind you of your kids hormonal friends. Not following. ;-)

crosspalms said...

Last night on my ride home I could see my breath. Today it's 88 degrees. Need to upgrade to 11-speed wardrobe.

Don't drink the water, robot sez you risk gdougus

BamaPhred said...

"hunt and kill and scavenge and use weapons and be resourceful "

What, did I miss the Apocalypse?

Of course I jest. I pay Publix to do those things for me.

Today's post is an instant classic.

1904 Cadardi said...

Averaged 20MPH on the ride home from work last night. I was smiling, not because I magically became fast, but because of the wicked(-aawsome) tail wind. I may have my fredly tendencies, but I'm smart enough to know and enjoy when mother nature is being kind.

Anonymous said...

Welcome to the MILF world babs. Your son's friends will never forget you.

my anti-robot proof says you could make a...

profitable idedick

Anonymous said...

Who said anything about it being 'an example of how to properly carry bikes on a train'? If you weren't American you would've recognised the ironing.

Speaking of the decline and fall of the American Empire, what you want for your post-apocalypse ride is a tall bike because zombies never look up (they just stare straight ahead and make gurgling noises). So they'll never see atop your tall bike!

A tall bike will also be untroubled by rising sea levels.

Fred of the Sea said...

My daughter's friends did not appear to think I was a DILF. Maybe now that they're all out of college and broke...

Big ol' Boner said...

I love my B.O.B. It's fun to pull.

Anonymous said...

My hovercraft is full of eels.

DB said...

Fred of the Sea:
Brilliant. Comment of the Day for me.
Given the choice between a 21 year old and a woman of a certain age, I'll always take the older and wiser.
Although I have been happily married for decades, if I were to have to start over, my rule would be that the lady would need to able to name the past three presidents.

Holy Roller said...

The Rob Fords 'Redemption Story' shall come to fruition and he will rise up again, sort of like Jesus did, and become once again the New Messiah of Toronto. Amen. The Lord and the voters of The Windy City work in mysterious ways.

Holy Roller said...

Toronto being the Northern Chicago, as Moses once said. Oh well... Whatever floats your boat.

Holy Roller said...

Or was that Noah? The Holy Spirit is strong in me tonight.

Anonymous said...

To Anonymous at 12:42

Kunstler is pretty good but please don't take McPherson of Nature Bats Last too seriously. The runaway greenhouse effect due to the methane clathrates being released is bullshit.

Here's the facts RealClimate.Org

If that link didn't work just go to realclimate.org and search for methane

Anonymous said...

Holy Roller,

Do we get to nail him to a cross first? Cos I'd be in on that. How about a crabon cross and use DT Swiss titanium spokes as the nails?

And a crown made of 11 speed Dura Ace chain.

Anonymous said...

Ahaa, so THAT'S why he's always calling everyone "brother."

dancesonpedals said...

babel-

In the future when you speak of the babies, and you will, be kind

Fred of the Sea said...

DB,

You are very kind and I agree with you, but any brilliance or profundity is in the eye of the beholder and...um...scranus.

Flyover BC said...

Time to go home and phase the ironing.

The horror, the horror.

Anonymous said...

To anonymous at 8:07

Even if McPherson is wrong about the methane hydrates I still think his time frame will prove to be correct. Just slightly increasing overall temperature will drastically increase land temperature which will have implications which we won't be prepared for; most likely a series of airborne pathogen events. The rising sea levels will be the least of our worries, I doubt many will be around to see that part. But I like the idea of Snobby on the tallbike with flotation pontoons behind the seat and around the handlebars. With 17 trailing children on child-specific flotation-capable tall bikes, like a family of ducks.

But in all seriousness, I think the ideal bike for the remaining future will be a steel road bike with Schwalbe Marathon plus 700x25 tires and a European bottom bracket. I just don't think the BB30 system is climate-apocalypse-ready. You are just gonna want something fast and reliable that won't break down in a crash. Being on a cargo bike will simply make you an easy target, so just load up your Soloman backpack instead.

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ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

Don't worry Kenny, someday, in the distant future (2013), a postman will deliver to you the promised artwork

McFly said...

I realize this is primarily a Blogulinni Americano but do any of you wops plan on riding the Giro D'Italia? I, for one,* would love to slip into the Vaglia Rosa.

*(When using the pronoun "I" the for one is not necessary, I just use it for dramatic effect)

babble on said...

WOOOOOT!

Mmmkay, so my first race is on the island tomorrow, and I just found out that Ti Baby and I will be hitching a ride to the event in a HELICOPTER.

:D

babble on said...

Unfortunately I don't stand a chance tomorrow though, cause the two races are both of the Mountain Goat variety, and I'm waaaaay too dense to climb easily.

Um, what's up with the UK starts for the French and Italian classics?

And hoooo boy I'm sure glad I won't be riding stage 20 of the Giro this weekend ...you know, the one called Welcome to Hell. As a rider of the non-mountain-goat variety, that really would do me in.

JLRB said...

I slept in - did I miss the apocalypse?

Babs - A helicopter? No more carbon footprint comments for you!

JLRB said...

But then again We are all doomed anyway so burn all the fossil fuel you can

ps - good luck on the race!

Anonymous said...

I like how that box is the perfect size for the cargo part of her bike

vwarheit said...

Wish I did! Brilliant idea. I do, however, know where you can get your hands on a film in which cars poop out 19lbs of CO2 for every gallon of gas they burn. And yes, it's on kickstarter...https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1983721999/worse-than-poop