Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Water Is The Essence Of Wetness, and Wetness Is The Essence of Fredness


(Killing you in order to warn you in Midtown Manhattan, via "Peter.")

Further to yesterday's post about Specialized putting the Krabon Kaibosh* on yet another bike brand, a commenter shared the following:

Anonymous said...

I sent Mike Sinyard an email asking WTF, and this was his reply (BS?): Here are the facts—in July 2013 we reached out to NeilPryde Bikes to figure out a solution on a bike name that was similar to one of ours, Allez, in addition to their use of the trademarks “Epic” and “Innovate or Die”. We were able to agree on a solution in December. The NeilPryde crew worked with us on this solution. This has been a closed issue since we reached that decision in December. 

If you would like to discuss further, I’m glad to talk anytime. Mike.

April 8, 2014 at 7:53 AM

*[Krabon Kaibosh™ is a registered trademark of Specialized Bicycle Components.  Cease and desist immediately or we will make your life a living heck.  Also, Cease™ and Desist™ are both registered trademarks of Specialized Bicycle Components.  You know the Drill™ at this point.]

None of this addresses the fact that "Allez" and "Alize" are totally different words.  If I were an actual journalist, or if I cared enough to do so, I might follow up with Mike Sinyard myself and ask the following question:

"Given that there are only 26 letters in the alphabet and so some of them are bound to repeat themselves eventually, which words are other bicycle companies still allowed to use?"

To which I imagine I'd receive the following answer:

Specialized Bicycle Components has Dibs™ On The Following Words:


Allez
A lay
Allay
Tarmac
Tomac
Topol
Temecula
Tom-AY-to
Tom-AH-to
Epic
Epique
A pick
A prick
Afro pick
Stumpjumper
Clodhopper
Knob gobbler
Turnstile jumper
AWOL
A wall
ANAL
Any word, term, colloquialism, slang term, expression, etc. past, current, or yet to be invented that is reasonably likely to result in increased sales for a product in the bicycle marketplace, now and in perpetuity, Amen™.

Specialized Relinquishes Any And All Claims On The Following Words:

Doody
Crap
Crapcycle
Scranus Mangler
Taint-Raper
Cannondale

So the bike industry will have to make do with those six (6) attractive brand and model names, and frankly I'm surprised Specialized were so generous.

Meanwhile, the aspiring Kickstarter entrepreneur would be wise to avoid the Wrath of Sinyard™ in choosing a name for their brainfarts products, and here are three noteworthy Kickstarter campaigns in descending order of usefulness and ascending order of Batshit™ (Specialized Batshit™: 2014 Bicycling Magazine Editor's Choice for best spelunking bike) craziness.  First, the this thing, whatever it's called:




They say every time a Fred crosschains his bike an inventor launches a light on Kickstarter, and here's one that you can wear:


Kind of like a cylopean bra:


Or else a very Terry Gilliam-esque hairnet.

By Kickstarter standards this is actually pretty good.  I've certainly seen kookier inventions, and while there's nothing stopping you from clipping your existing light to your backpack I suppose the glowing bra straps might make a difference--though I'm withholding my investment until they make a recumbent-specific version:


Technically the light should be white, since it's facing front, but you get the idea.

Speaking of cleavage, I was checking out the inventor's brake lever cleavage, and my personal rule of thumb is that your handlebars should not be so narrow that your barrel adjusters are touching:


He'd also be a lot more visible if he were wearing a headlight bra.

Next we have the "Bike Poncho," because the poncho is the duct tape of waterproof garments:




At first I thought this was a cycling-specific poncho (like Rivendell sells), but I soon realized it's a poncho for your bike:


Firstly, your bicycle will not melt if it gets wet while sitting on your trunk rack, though I'd imagine this thing must flap like a motherfucker at highway speed.  Plus, what if it falls off?  If this Kickstarter gets off the ground I will live in constant fear of being blinded by an errant bike poncho on my next road trip.

Secondly, if you're so worried about it, why not put it inside your giant SUV?

(Yeah, I know, because your stupid family's inside and there's no room, whatever.)

Another poor selling point was this admonition:


Followed by this photo:


Using bikes in Amsterdam to sell a bike poncho is like using a Brazilian beach scene to sell your line of modesty swimwear for women.  Anyway, even a fake Dutch bike when left naked will withstand the elements just fine.

This isn't to say the Bike Poncho is patently absurd.  In fact, I could see using such a thing for my Big Dummy, which I often leave outside in foul weather, and which is a bit more vulnerable than a Dutch bike due to its exposed chain, derailleur drivetrain, and so forth.  Then again, I could just use any of the millions of motorcycle covers already on the market, and I keep meaning to buy one, but I never get around to it.

Of course, you can't mount a motorcycle cover under your saddle so you can cover your bike "on the fly:"


You know, in case you decide to park your bike in the actual ocean while you frolic in it:


But mostly, the Bike Poncho is remarkable because it looks like boobs:


Bras and boobs, and still one more to go--the Kold Rush, which is by far the craziest of the lot, and which was not a hip-hop record label in the 1980s:


I knew this one was going to be good as soon as I saw the hose:


"This must be some sort of system for administering colonics to yourself on the go," I thought at first, but I was mistaken, but only by a little bit.  Here's the inventor, explaining how he's been cycling for 40 years, and that he hates being hot:


Presumably in that 40 year period he has also not figured out how to adjust his helment straps.

Of course, humankind has known for well over a century that if you get hot while riding you can always pour some water on your head:


However, this guy apparently lives in mortal fear of taking his hand off the bars, and so he decided instead to invent a Rube Goldberg-esque "micturating helment."  See, this right here is what it looks like when genius is happening:


For some reason, they had to test it on a dummy first:


From this, they learned to make the reservoir 34% smaller:


34% smaller than what, exactly?

They never say.

Anyway, here's the button that makes your helment go pee on you:


See?  Look at that!  


It's like when you pick up a turtle and it starts pissing out of fear.*

*[Disclaimer: I have never experienced that and have no idea if it actually happens.]

And here is this elegant device in motion:


Complete with schmatta so you don't blind yourself:


They also added a "streamlined insulated cover," apparently to the rider's ass:


So why exactly did they add a "streamlined insulated cover" to the rider's ass?

They never say.

All I know is that I hope to sweet merciful God Jesus Lord Sinyard that this thing becomes popular, because I can think of no greater fun than rolling up to Freds and unplugging their little plastic helment urethras:


Expect Specialized to bring one of these to market within six months, and to sue anyone who dares use the phrase "Incontinent Turtle."

115 comments:

le Correcteur said...

podium. Can't believe how much time I wasted hitting refresh to get here though.

le Correcteur said...

Second. Still can't believe . . .

Serial Retrogrouch said...

ALLEZ ALLEZ ALLEZ

le Correcteur said...

And filled up podium.

le Correcteur said...

Serial, you nipped my trippelganger at the line!

thegock said...

MIKE SUXX

theEel said...

weed.

thegock said...

TOPP TENN


much better today-crashed into a supine old FRED Saturday @ Bkill

Anonymous said...

Not so specialized
So SUE me

thegock said...

no laying down on the job #457!!!

commentatorbot_97234097 said...

Read it. Loved it.

That Sinyard knows how to lie. You have to wonder what the annual "license fee" Specaialized demands from the smaller companies in the bike business.

It's not a vig. Oh no. Not at all...

Marcel Da Chump said...

Kick Start Tuesday.

Synonymous said...

That Kold Rush crap would be great for triathlons--hook up a catheter to the bottle and viola, no more embarassing pee stains on your shoes.

3G said...

This was a killer post. I laughed all the way to the bank!

Seriously great stuff snobby!

Anonymous said...

Refresh Refresh !!

vsk Fuck it, I'm taking the bus!

Anonymous said...

Top ten?

Isawluke said...

Check out Lee Ving's guitar in his wiki photo. I'd like to see sin yard take that on.

Anonymous said...

Nope...

McFly said...

And to think I nick-named my Cannondale Scarlett Johannsen for nothing.

"By Hun....don't bother calling cause I will be furiously riding Scarlett Johannsen for a little while."

Serial Retrogrouch said...

le Correcteur... you must've been using your Kold Rush at a lower temp than me.... i was fiddling with mine because it was unusually warm, and there was a smell of urine at the finish line... hmmm

Rusty Red said...

Yaaaa! Boobies!~

Roille Figners said...

TNTD MEAT

dancesonpedals said...

helment urethra...not to be confused with a helminth's urethra...aka the hookworm's dick

Al Lez said...

kickstarter starting, new bicycling cycle sunning glasses; special-eyes.
come and get it.

Baron Von Taint Mangler said...

*Ahem*

James said...

Toads pee on me when I pick them up.

Comment deleted said...

It's about time that turtles got some pissy revenge!

balls™ said...

nipple
nipple
nipple

mikeweb said...

I pee when people pick me up. So there's always that.

36DD said...

i would have paid more attention to the bike poncho if she would have been topless when demonstrating it attached to the bike

Anonymous said...

I predict a Kold Rush Aeroclam collabro.

JB said...

OF COURSE, the Kold Rush guys are riding Specials.

Can't watch the vids, but the Bike Poncho gal has some primo calves.

Anonymous said...

The Bike Poncho Model had a fine frame but her face was kind of jacked up. Maybe you could put the poncho over her head and cinch it down and bang that ass.

(may want to lock it in case she tries to get out....which would ruin the money shot)

ge said...

Isn't Doody a Kona?

-If it rains, take the bus.

Anonymous said...

Do you mind if I use "Scranus Mangler" for a line of novelty saddles that I'm currently curating?

DB said...

Hey, McFly!
My bike is named Adrienne Barbeau (of Swamp Thing fame).

Great one today, Snob. Sorry that right now everyone is looking up Adrienne Barbeau and will be on the Swamp Thing site for the rest of the day.

Anonymous said...

I'm in the ideation phase for a line of recumbants and thinking of using the name Special-Ed. Do you think that arouse the ire of Mike Sinyard - The Worlds Meanest Bicycle Company CEO™



babble on said...

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBIES!! I love boobies. Heh heh bike boobies. That's a new one. :D

3G - Right? I am STILL laughing.

THAT's why I love you, snobberdooderdoo.

Anonymous said...

As a youngster growing up I jerked it to Adrienne Barbeau even more than to the iconic Farrah Faucett red bathing suit calendar. This was well before the internet.

JLRB said...


I look at the bike-light-bra, then my hand, and I get a familiar glow

(Captcha refuses to give me numbers anymore - I need glasses)

Dooth said...

Wildcat, Speciialized also has dibs on...
Cock Blocker, Party Pooper, Spoil Sport and Bummer.

Anonymous said...

ZOOL ANDR

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

One your better ones WCRM. Thanks.

Buffalo Bill said...

I laid down an S-works doody this morning. It was stiff and aerodynamic.

I'll leave the description of the Crapjumper for a later post.

Anonymous said...

I can confirm from experience that turtles will indeed piss all over you if you even so much as look at them funny.

The more you know.

dancesonpedals said...

the president asked me what we need to make the country grow...I said Adrienne Barbeaue.....scarlet johanson...farrah fawcett...watch the country grow


practical irnalpa

JB said...

Also, if a toad pisses on your hand and then you forget to wash them before you handle yourself at the urinal, your ween will turn into a vagine. A kid told me this in 6th grade, and that was before the internet, so it's probably true.

repeater said...

DoodyCrapCrapcycleScranus ManglerTaint-RaperCannondaleDoodyCrapCrapcycleScranus ManglerTaint-RaperCannondaleDoodyCrapCrapcycleScranus ManglerTaint-RaperCannondaleDoodyCrapCrapcycleScranus ManglerTaint-RaperCannondaleDoodyCrapCrapcycleScranus ManglerTaint-RaperCannondaleDoodyCrapCrapcycleScranus ManglerTaint-RaperCannondaleDoodyCrapCrapcycleScranus ManglerTaint-RaperCannondale

Fred of the Sea said...

Brain cooling before impact mitigates the sequelae of concussion. I hereby characterize anyone who rides without head cooling gear as a suicidal scofflaw asking to be brushed by an Escalade.

Anonymous said...

The turtle thing is absolutely true. I stopped on the road in Texas once (in my Ford pickup of course) to rescue a big turtle that was trying to cross the busy highway and he totally emptied his bladder when I picked him up...

Blog Drafter said...

1. Cervélo Test Team was the coolest thing to happen to cycling ever. It's been all downhill since.

2. Tree frogs will squirt a ton on you if you get too near. Also, Howler monkeys use their excrement as a weapon.

3. Funny post.

4. That is all. Scranus.

Anne said...

No one is going to mention how the "proprietary helmet insert" totally looks like a big ole Sanitary Napkin just stuck inside your helmet? Which makes the whole dripping liquid on your head a lot grosser...

Anonymous said...

Howler monkeys use their excrement as a weapon? Funny, so does BabbleOn.

CommieCanuck said...

I can confirm from experience that turtles will indeed piss all over you if you even so much as look at them funny.

I'm sure there are like 1,289 videos of this on Pornhub.

It's true, because it's already a meme

And,

Turtles are kinda disgusting.

mikeweb said...

I prefer the boobs in the brown colourway.

I'm sorry, did I say boobs? I meant Bike Poncho.

CommieCanuck said...

2. Tree frogs will squirt a ton on you if you get too near. Also, Howler monkeys use their excrement as a weapon.

5. Hookers will do the same for an extra $35, $55 for the poo.

1904 Cadardi said...

To everyone upset about so many kickstarter bicycle-cycling lighting appliances, I'm sorry. I cross-chain like it's going out of style, so apparently it's my fault.

Also, I happen to like my 53-26 and will continue to use it with wild abandon so expect the following: glow in the dark bib-shorts, blinky shoes with a generator built into the pedal, a stem faceplate with integrated LEDs.

Mea Cupla.

ken e. said...

i hear bells... monkey bells!
maybe it's the soundtrack of escape from new york.

ADRN &SNK

CommieCanuck said...

This is so educational today. I'm going to tell my seven year old to search, "squirting videos" on the internet. Very educational.

Roille Figners said...

Adrienne Barboob.


Enough of your

oorula sermons

CommieCanuck said...

Snake Pliskin? I though you were DEAD!

McFly said...

When I think of the esssence of wetness water is not what comes to mind.

I do always wipe Scarlett down if she got messy during the ride. IF LOLZ.

Anonymous said...

Alameda County Public Health Director Muntu Davis contends that gentrification should be examined in terms of health impacts because of the displacement and stress it causes for low-income residents, the Bay Area News Group$ reports. "We're not saying that development shouldn't happen," Davis told the news organization. "We're saying that development should happen, but it should also maintain the stability of housing for the existing residents." Davis’ comments coincided with the release of a new report on gentrification that concludes that it’s displacing African-American families in Oakland and San Francisco and is worsening income inequality. The county health department collaborated on the report, which was produced by the tenants’ rights organization Just Cause/Causa Justa.

A turtle said...

I'd like to see how you'd handle it, big man.

Freddy Murcks said...

No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of freds.



Lectures andlynot

CommieCanuck said...

I'm no cranial urologist, but I'm pretty sure the Kold Rush is just a urine catheter bag for dick heads.

babble on said...

Hey! If wetness is the essence of Fredness, that makes me the ESSENCE OF FREDNESS, too! That's great news! I've always wanted to speak geek... :D

Anonymous said...

Tilford has never done a charity ride...Until now.

See his blog for link to donate your pledge.

JB said...

I once pulled over the car (that I own) on a 2-lane road to move a turtle across the road. As I was walking back to it, a courteous driver coming toward me moved to the middle of the road and smoked the turtle. It was all my fault.

Freddy Murcks said...

No one ever went broke underestimating the wetness of Babble.




Gaylord ollysse

dnk said...

The Kold Rash video was about 8 times as long as it needed to be --- everything necessary to fully make fun of that video can be found in the first 30 seconds.

ge said...

JB, pretty sure she's the only reason I watched "Maude". Oh, Cannonball Run. Don't need to google who she is, just need to google.

JB said...

ge, are you talking about the Bike Poncho girl's calves?

ge said...

Shit, meant DB, not JB.

ADRIENNE!!!!!!!!

Bronxwood Productions said...

Cold Crush Brothers are suing Kold Rush

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PCTjA9zapLc

Anonymous said...

Well it's off to the childrens tri prac. There will be mom's. Talk about some hot junk buckets full of wetness. I am the only man there that can fix a bicycle and I think it turns them on. Two weeks ago I got the THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT A MAN THAT CAN USE HIS HANDS routine.

wishiwasmerckx said...

In Soviet Russia, you piss on turtle (NSFW):

http://www.bordom.net/view/27524/Pissing_on_a_turtle#.U0Rb9PnKt1o

Anonymous said...

I used to come to this site to hook up, not now because all the hotties are
spayd persons

Anonymous said...

Good work on spotting the light-bra guys too-close-together brake levers, Snobby. I was too mesmerised by his riding-and-talking presentation style to notice.

I should think you could present one of your blogs in the same manner to good effect.

The interactions with the citizens you encounter on your filming expeditions would be immensely entertaining.

It would also be a good excuse to wear make-up.

grog said...

Sad JB.

Lectric Boobs!
Aughttabeasong.

BABE LITE

Anonymous said...

What' s up with the robot?

Only numbers in the past few days. Maybe it got tired of posters publishing its thoughts without attribution?

1015 34565832

Anonymous said...

I can't believe it! That robot bastard went and issued a word for the first time in a week right after I posted the above comment.

Sentient prick.

125,771 nshazu

dancesonpedals said...

Incontinent turtle? How can you be so mean to Mitch McConnell?

"iurlial fleet" is a capcha, not an enema

Anonymous said...

Yep, only words now.

It just needed the attention, I think.

Was aremyth

Anonymous said...

Ever seen a turtle pecker before?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJhHoUuaoY

wishiwasmerckx said...

Hey, Anon 4:57, e-reptile dysfunction is no laughing matter.

dancesonpedals said...

talk about tripping over your dick..

ge said...

Hey Babs, is that your sister in that bike poncho vid? Enquiring minds want to know.

Lorne said...

I thought April Fool's was over already...

Anonymous said...

I'm helping set up a first time riders ride at work. After reading this blog for some number of years, do you realize how hard it is to type "Helmet" and not "Helment" or "Hellmeat" or the like? Damn hard, that's how hard. Exactly damn hard.

That is all.

Mags Oi said...

Kold-Ostomy.

Mags Oi said...

Kold-Ostomy.

Evil Genius said...

Hmmmm... What if one was to strap a turtle to one's head? You would get your cranial protection from the creature's hard shell and if you reach up and grab it then you get the cooling effects of the Kold Rush as it's bladder is voided. Eureka! I'm going to be rich! Muawah ha ha!

McFly said...

Turtle piss is unseasonably warm. And it tastes horrible. But your guaranteed not to get athletes feet on your face.

ouabacher said...

HBO's Carnivale if you're into the grannies.....but, yeah. Cannonball Run.

Anonymous said...

Didn't Ms. Barbeau wear the lycra catsuit in Cannonball Run?

If so, then yeah, what he^ said.

Anonymous said...

hey snob, just for clarification, toads will reflexively piss themselves when picked up, turtles, not so much. You say reptile, I say amphibian.

Anonymous said...

That contraption that makes your brain soggy looks an awful lot like a late model bedpan with a catheter attached. I guess if I run out of cold water, I can pee in it and squirt urine on my head

Anonymous said...

http://i.imgur.com/fFphKpP.gif

wishiwasmerckx said...

8=D

JLRB said...

Ostomy bag connected to helment = cool shit head

Anonymous said...

a bike is an investment? hoo hah i'm rich, bitch!

Mags Oi said...

Bike Poncho looks like boobs AND panties.

Anonymous said...

Firstly, do you need to put some little eyelets in the back of your skull like the dummy has? If so, I'm not buying it. Secondly - re turtle wee. Yes they will piss on you if you pick them up and it smells really bad. If the Kold Rush smells like turtle pee that's a second good reason not to buy it or invest in the idea.

Anonymous said...

http://vimeo.com/90522407

ce said...

JB 3:41, that is really funny because the exact same thing happened to someone I know - except he was driving the vehicle that squashed the turtle. He tried to be courteous by giving a wide berth to a person on the side of the road and unknowingly drove straight over the turtle they had intended to rescue. The worst thing was that he was driving a National Parks and Wildlife Service vehicle when this occurred.

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ce said...

Wildcrap Scranus Mangler, I'd like to see the Frenchies get in a stink, I mean, get all disgusted and indignant, about this uncouth American bicycle company appropriating French cultural heritage for commercial gain. They did so with wine and cheese, so that now if it wasn't produced in the Champagne region of France it's called "Sparkling White Wine" and if it wasn't produced in Roquefort it's called "Miscellaneous Cave Cheese"... or something. I'd like to see Specialized legally forced to rename the Allez to: "French for Go!". The Roubaix could be renamed: "Town with Shit Roads". They will regret relinquishing the rights to Scranus Mangler.

McFly said...

My compatriot got his 1st wife a booby jobby and I swear they looked just like that poncho. She was a small B and they went with a large D cup because titty. Too much silicone and not enough skin. One pointed at the street light and the other one pointed at the mailbox.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of street lights and mailboxes - the hottie at a lunch spot near my work has eyes that do that - I have to learn to pick one eye and talk to it but always end up bouncing between the two (with a detour to the tits)

Anonymous said...

FRON TEND
ALGN MENT

Anonymous said...

"Anonymous said...
As a youngster growing up I jerked it to Adrienne Barbeau even more than to the iconic Farrah Faucett red bathing suit calendar. This was well before the internet.

April 8, 2014 at 2:12 PM"

I still do

Anonymous said...

CE - Spot on!

I wonder how hydrohead got the blue man group to model the prototype.

Biking the Live Fantastic said...

Use the link above for my 'Northwest Passage' post. Dealing with the gravel trucks and traffic there is an adventure.

Chris said...

I can assure you that tortoises do, indeed, pee when you pick them up (presumably out of fear, but it could just be out of spite... who knows what malicious thoughts traverse their cool, calculating reptilian brains).

I stopped on a ride to the nearby river once to rescue one from his apparent mission to become a biological speed hump, and I think I managed to wash the smell off me some 4 or 5 showers later.