Water Is The Essence Of Wetness, and Wetness Is The Essence of Fredness

(Killing you in order to warn you in Midtown Manhattan, via "Peter.")

Further to yesterday's post about Specialized putting the Krabon Kaibosh* on yet another bike brand, a commenter shared the following:

Anonymous said...

I sent Mike Sinyard an email asking WTF, and this was his reply (BS?): Here are the facts—in July 2013 we reached out to NeilPryde Bikes to figure out a solution on a bike name that was similar to one of ours, Allez, in addition to their use of the trademarks “Epic” and “Innovate or Die”. We were able to agree on a solution in December. The NeilPryde crew worked with us on this solution. This has been a closed issue since we reached that decision in December. 

If you would like to discuss further, I’m glad to talk anytime. Mike.

April 8, 2014 at 7:53 AM

*[Krabon Kaibosh™ is a registered trademark of Specialized Bicycle Components.  Cease and desist immediately or we will make your life a living heck.  Also, Cease™ and Desist™ are both registered trademarks of Specialized Bicycle Components.  You know the Drill™ at this point.]

None of this addresses the fact that "Allez" and "Alize" are totally different words.  If I were an actual journalist, or if I cared enough to do so, I might follow up with Mike Sinyard myself and ask the following question:

"Given that there are only 26 letters in the alphabet and so some of them are bound to repeat themselves eventually, which words are other bicycle companies still allowed to use?"

To which I imagine I'd receive the following answer:

Specialized Bicycle Components has Dibs™ On The Following Words:

Allez

A lay

Allay

Ale Alele Rico Suave

Tarmac

Tomac

Topol

Temecula

Tom-AY-to

Tom-AH-to

Epic

Epique

A pick

A prick

Afro pick

Stumpjumper

Clodhopper

Knob gobbler

Turnstile jumper

AWOL

A wall

ANAL

Any word, term, colloquialism, slang term, expression, etc. past, current, or yet to be invented that is reasonably likely to result in increased sales for a product in the bicycle marketplace, now and in perpetuity, Amen™.

Specialized Relinquishes Any And All Claims On The Following Words:

Doody

Crap

Crapcycle

Scranus Mangler

Taint-Raper

Cannondale

So the bike industry will have to make do with those six (6) attractive brand and model names, and frankly I'm surprised Specialized were so generous.

Meanwhile, the aspiring Kickstarter entrepreneur would be wise to avoid the Wrath of Sinyard™ in choosing a name for their brainfarts products, and here are three noteworthy Kickstarter campaigns in descending order of usefulness and ascending order of Batshit™ (Specialized Batshit™: 2014 Bicycling Magazine Editor's Choice for best spelunking bike) craziness.  First, the this thing, whatever it's called:




They say every time a Fred crosschains his bike an inventor launches a light on Kickstarter, and here's one that you can wear:

Kind of like a cylopean bra:

Or else a very Terry Gilliam-esque hairnet.

By Kickstarter standards this is actually pretty good.  I've certainly seen kookier inventions, and while there's nothing stopping you from clipping your existing light to your backpack I suppose the glowing bra straps might make a difference--though I'm withholding my investment until they make a recumbent-specific version:

Technically the light should be white, since it's facing front, but you get the idea.

Speaking of cleavage, I was checking out the inventor's brake lever cleavage, and my personal rule of thumb is that your handlebars should not be so narrow that your barrel adjusters are touching:

He'd also be a lot more visible if he were wearing a headlight bra.

Next we have the "Bike Poncho," because the poncho is the duct tape of waterproof garments:




At first I thought this was a cycling-specific poncho (like Rivendell sells), but I soon realized it's a poncho for your bike:

Firstly, your bicycle will not melt if it gets wet while sitting on your trunk rack, though I'd imagine this thing must flap like a motherfucker at highway speed.  Plus, what if it falls off?  If this Kickstarter gets off the ground I will live in constant fear of being blinded by an errant bike poncho on my next road trip.

Secondly, if you're so worried about it, why not put it inside your giant SUV?

(Yeah, I know, because your stupid family's inside and there's no room, whatever.)

Another poor selling point was this admonition:

Followed by this photo:

Using bikes in Amsterdam to sell a bike poncho is like using a Brazilian beach scene to sell your line of modesty swimwear for women.  Anyway, even a fake Dutch bike when left naked will withstand the elements just fine.

This isn't to say the Bike Poncho is patently absurd.  In fact, I could see using such a thing for my Big Dummy, which I often leave outside in foul weather, and which is a bit more vulnerable than a Dutch bike due to its exposed chain, derailleur drivetrain, and so forth.  Then again, I could just use any of the millions of motorcycle covers already on the market, and I keep meaning to buy one, but I never get around to it.

Of course, you can't mount a motorcycle cover under your saddle so you can cover your bike "on the fly:"

You know, in case you decide to park your bike in the actual ocean while you frolic in it:

But mostly, the Bike Poncho is remarkable because it looks like boobs:

Bras and boobs, and still one more to go--the Kold Rush, which is by far the craziest of the lot, and which was not a hip-hop record label in the 1980s:


I knew this one was going to be good as soon as I saw the hose:

"This must be some sort of system for administering colonics to yourself on the go," I thought at first, but I was mistaken, but only by a little bit.  Here's the inventor, explaining how he's been cycling for 40 years, and that he hates being hot:

Presumably in that 40 year period he has also not figured out how to adjust his helment straps.

Of course, humankind has known for well over a century that if you get hot while riding you can always pour some water on your head:

However, this guy apparently lives in mortal fear of taking his hand off the bars, and so he decided instead to invent a Rube Goldberg-esque "micturating helment."  See, this right here is what it looks like when genius is happening:

For some reason, they had to test it on a dummy first:

From this, they learned to make the reservoir 34% smaller:

34% smaller than what, exactly?

They never say.

Anyway, here's the button that makes your helment go pee on you:

See?  Look at that!  

It's like when you pick up a turtle and it starts pissing out of fear.*

*[Disclaimer: I have never experienced that and have no idea if it actually happens.]

And here is this elegant device in motion:

Complete with schmatta so you don't blind yourself:

They also added a "streamlined insulated cover," apparently to the rider's ass:

So why exactly did they add a "streamlined insulated cover" to the rider's ass?

They never say.

All I know is that I hope to sweet merciful God Jesus Lord Sinyard that this thing becomes popular, because I can think of no greater fun than rolling up to Freds and unplugging their little plastic helment urethras:

Expect Specialized to bring one of these to market within six months, and to sue anyone who dares use the phrase "Incontinent Turtle."