Thursday, April 17, 2014

This Just In: I'm Teaking a Brake! (And Friday Fun Quiz, on Thursday!)

Firstly, after today's post I won't be adding what in the industry we call "content" to this blog until Wednesday, April 23rd, at which point I will resume regular updates.  Don't like it?  Eat a Brompton.


(Bromptons are organic, unlike Dahons and other folders which are loaded with hormones.)

Secondly, five or ten or twenty years ago or whenever it was that I started this blog, I was nothing more than a cranky mid-category back-of-the-pack amateur bike racer with no friends and a hurty vagina complaining about fixies on the Internet.  Since then virtually nothing has changed, apart from the fact that I've fallen off the back of the pack altogether, my vagina hurts a little more, and instead of fixies I'm complaining about gravel bikes.

Anyway, in the very early days of this blog, one of the first people in the actual bicycle industry (if not the first) to send me an encouraging email was this guy, who was at Swobo at the time:


Movers and Makers Vol. 2 Stevil Kinevil from Swobo on Vimeo.

Despite being in a better position than maybe anybody in the world of cycling to call me out and write me off as a know-nothing blowhard Internet douchebag, instead he befriended me, or at least he humored me, and we struck up a correspondence.  In fact, while I was still closely guarding my anonymity, he was the very first person on the Internet to reveal my face, which he did on his (old) blog with my full cooperation in the form of this photo that was taken in an undisclosed location sometime during the 1980s, as if you couldn't tell from my wardrobe:


Danzig shirt?  Check.  Swatch?  Check.  Splatter-bleached pants?  Check.  Half-Jew Fro?  You bet your tuchus.  By the way, that's the closest I've ever come to a piece of functioning artillery, and it's a good thing I was wearing those busy pants because you can't tell that I just wet myself.

If I seem like I'm making all of this about me, it's only because: 1) I'm completely obsessed with myself and on some level probably jealous of the video; and 2) Stevil is a humble person who is modest to a fault and is probably still blushing over the fact that there's now an Internet documentary about him, so I'm redirecting the attention to someone who knows how to handle adulation and praise, namely me.  (Although let's be honest, he did let these people into his house, so how modest could he be?)  And perhaps most importantly, Stevil is an exception in a world of bike bloggers who do little more than show off their latest custom bike builds, and it's very important to my self-esteem that people know that I have cool friends.

So go to his site, buy his stuff, and support the people who dedicate their lives to your amusement.

And buy some of the stuff over in the right hand margin of this blog while you're at it, you cheapskates.

Cheapskates.

(Use discount code "NOBR AKES" and get nothing off on your purchase whatsoever.)

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right then eat a Brompton, and if you're wrong you'll see the Traffic Droid.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and see you on Wednesday, April 23rd.


--Wildcat Rock Machine








1) The latest thing for Freds to obsess over is:

--Saddle rail integrity
--Tubeless sealant molecular half-life
--Electronic shifting/ANT microwave data interference
--When to replace their quick release skewers





2) What's he doing?

--Hacking away at a wet log for some reason
--Straining to uproot a small weed
--Straining to drop a log
--Putting, because all-terrain golfing is the new cyclocross






4) One bicycle can be "noticeably faster at any speed" than another, in the same way that:

--A pound of lead can be heavier than a pound of feathers
--1,000 grams is heavier than one kilogram
--32°F is colder than 0°C
--All of the above






5) What are these?

--High-performance motorcycle pistons
--The new Chris King tunable espresso tampers
--Rear shocks for the new Moots full-suspension gravel bike
--Remedial pedals for people who suck at clipless






6) The new "Wide Stance" bottom bracket adapter kit will increase your "Q-factor" by up to three meters, allowing you to convert any standard road bicycle to a bakfiets.

--True
--False





7) Which award did this photo win?

--"Best Alleycat Hurl," Chrome Industries Facebook photo contest
--"Cyclists Behaving Badly," San Francisco Chronicle Twitter photo contest
--Best Sports Photography (newspaper circulation 1-100,000, regional magazine, non-daily publication or online independent)
--The Pu(ke)litzer  







8) A Paris-Roubaix rider may indeed have fallen on his drugs.

--True
--False



***Special Cat 3s and 4s Doing What They Do Best-Themed Bonus Video***

137 comments:

Anonymous said...

Podium!

Anonymous said...

pODIUM!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Whoo Hoo Speed!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Just missed the podium because of slow internet speed.

Vernal Magina said...

Scranium

Anonymous said...

Is it Friday?

cycle

Anonymous said...

Are you aware your blog no longer likes Chrome? I keep getting redirect loops. Just FYI.

Anonymous said...

My saddle rails are closest to tainted meat.

Anonymous said...

Je suis dans le premier dix.

babble on said...

Happy Passover, Snobberdooders. xo

Andrew Bergdorf said...

mobile scranus carbon chinarello reporting in

Flyover BC said...

Late for the top ten

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:28pm,

I don't know what that means but the blogging platform I use is a G**gle product and I use Chrome to update it so maybe something's wrong on your end?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

If you hurry up and right another book I'd be happy to buy it. I have the other three they are pretty good.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

BikesnobNYC documentary would also be good for a laugh too I bet.

CommieCanuck said...

I too use G**gle

Anonymous said...

Whoah Jackson. accidental top ten?

CommieCanuck said...

If you hurry up and right another book I'd be happy to buy it.

He's the Jackie Collins of bicycling book authors.

Roille Figners said...

Thursday fun quiz? BOOOSH

3G said...

HALF JEW!??!? I want my money back!

Well...the good half at least...

Anonymous said...

Pu(ke)litzer!

leroy said...

Ride safe all!

(And don't eat the yellow Brompton.)

Anonymous said...

placeholder

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
My saddle rails are closest to tainted meat.

April 17, 2014 at 12:30 PM



better than tainted love

grog said...

Cheapskates.
How often should we rotate tires?
FUNK WIZZ
RIDE NICE

ouabacher said...

So confused. Went to church. Seems they've postponed Good Friday services til tomorrow.

crosspalms said...

It's going to take you 5 days to do an Easter egg hunt? Those eggs must be really well hidden. Enjoy anyway, and let some of the 17 kids find a few eggs.

Anonymous said...

so when does a quiz and a vacation qualify for a blog entry?

obviously I'm in the wrong business

trama said...

Everything I know about tennis balls I learned from Mr Stevil. That, combined with the "pimp crimp" is more than I could ever repay.

McFly said...

I would like to formally thank yourself and The Stevil for providing me with literally hours of entertainment during an otherwise mundane workday. I have purchased books and socks, respectively.

Regular guy said...

Oh, that's artillery, I thought you were getting all steampunk on us.

Love the crash video. Looks like the guy @0:18 fell off his platform pedals.

I've never seen anyone fishtailing around like the guy @0:44. WTF?

And from 23mph and 73rpm to 0,0 on the final crash. Was that the first crash of the title? Priceless documentation, makes me wish I had a video of my first crash.

What a KlutzFest

the Jimboner said...

7 day weekend started 2.5 hours ago. ZOD bless Brasil.

ge said...

Oh, if only those were The new Chris King tunable espresso tampers I'd totally run out and buy an espresso machine, or not.

My Brompton is green. Is it still safe to eat? It's been green for 5 years now. If it was organic, wouldn't it have shrivelled up and turned brown by now? Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Whatdoidowhatdoidowhatdoido? I'm freaking out just a little here. It's not organic, is it?

Good Time Party Girl said...

Anybody got any weed? Any penis? Penii?

Comment deleted said...

grog, every time you ride. It is a very frustrating experience if you don't.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The look of teak brakes would probably contrast nicely with a bamboo frame. Very organic.

RoadQueen said...

#1: Aced the quiz. Where's my prize?

#2: RE: Sore vagina. I'd suggest dating someone with a smaller penis, and getting a recumbent. Long rides on the wedgie seat make my vulvanus feel like I got properly paddled with a 2x4 and I'm just not much into that sort of thing. I want a tadpole, and I'm not afraid to admit it.

#3: Loved that crash video - thank you!

#4: Have a happy, wholesome Holy Holiday with your family, Snob. :)

Rudimentary Peni said...

The Fest in Gainesville, FL in the puking photo, fuck yeah! Last Saturday we also just had the Tour de Gainesville--a 70+ mile ride through swampy singletrack mostly in city limits. Maybe a photo of someone scooping diarrhea out of their chamois while on TdG will win next year's photo award.

Also, Stevil seems like a swell guy. Would drink brews with.

Panties! said...

Let's face it--gravel biking is just cyclocross for those of us who are easily bored with going in a circle over and over. I mean, you go in enoughcircles, you start to feel like a NASCAR fan, lobotomy and all. Oh, and Panties!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...hey, it was only yesterday you were making fun of fixies. i haven't heard about gravel bikes from you in a long time.

...admit it, you want fixies to stay around.

and..

...scranus.

babble on said...

I got a kick out of Vlad's fixie fixation comment yesterday. It was great!e He had the whole "real men ride fixies" theme going on... it almost rang of Pravda-esque rhetoric.

If the velodrome were any closer I would have spent my winter hours there instead of thrashing my ELS components. Aaaaaand at least if I ride a track bike there AT THE TRACK, I don't have to thrash the ligaments in my knees every few hundred metres trying to stop for traffic. Those things cost even more to replace than the ELS drive train and cranks did! Whew. Good thing I'm a girl. I don't have to worry about keeping up with the Vlad's of this world.

Blessed be. :)

Dave said...

RQ - the tadpoles and trikes are for a later stage of senescence. There's one in my future too but not until the sad day when I can no longer keep my Barcroft proudly erect, and even a minor crash will snap my bones.

Dave said...

Speaking of sad days - yesterday I was passed by a wiry black beard with tattooed calves on a fixie, and try as I would I could do no better than keep up with him. Expletive, expletive. Well, much winter fat has yet to be painfully melted off yet.

1904 Cadardi said...

That crash video reminds me I'd rather chew on aluminum foil while shaving my scranus with a cheese grater than do another office park crit. Yeesh that was squirrel-tastic.

X Chrome said...

Waiting for a Canadian woman specific bike to drop made by Cervixlo.

Limpdikmann said...

Methinks it's the Vlads of this world that need to worry about keeping up.

Anonymous said...

Honouring your buddy, that Shovel fellow is touching, Snobby, but less than half his posts appear to be bicycle related. And there seems to be a subversive, survivalist, home-grown-terrorist ethos pervading his site.

One associates the smell of cabbage cooking with his site and bubblegum with yours. Two very different entities.

Your attempt to point us in the direction of a Snobby substitute to fill the void left by your absence while you're off celebrating the execution of Christ is appreciated, but this Sweavel character is terribly inappropriate.

Fred of the Sea said...

Yeah, that other blog is boring and seems to be concerned with cycling qua cycling, not as an occasion for social criticism.

OK, anyone got a Brompton?

Roille Figners said...

All I got's a Dahon and that was good enough for my grandpappy and it's good enough for me and you too you no-good hippies with your darn vaping and your bed-bugs.

Fred of the Sea said...

OK, I'll eat it. No need to bust your aortic aneurysm, Percy.

Flyover BC said...

Dahons are loaded with Whore moans ?

That's as bad as Tramp o leen.



and drivemin

Anonymous said...

Holy crap, AHTBM is way better then this place! Thanks for the tip.

See ya

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

Where the F is everyone today? Taking a long Passover?
And BTW, your blog freezes every time I load it on Firefox, like a college student at a brothel. It has made me miss at least one podium,dagnabbit

Flyover BC said...

The bro-in-law rides a Montague, which is odd because he is definitely an anglophile- not that there's any thing wrong with that- so you'd think go with the Brompton.

The Monti, as he calls it, has 26" wheels, I think. But the guy is only 5' tall so he needs a booster to mount the bike.

I imagine the Brompton would look normal with him riding it, not counting the whore moans.

Roille Figners said...

If only it came with whore moans, that'd make it more fun to ride. Especially if they mixed it up a bit and moaned about stuff like "awww, no more cigarettes" or say, a crappy show comes on TV and they can't find the remote. Hey whores have personal lives too you know.

Anonymous said...

Folding bike
+
fat bike
+
2wd
+
motorcycle
=
this thing

ge said...

Had a Brompton. Now I just have indigestion. [erp]

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Anon @8:09. Thanks for that. You have to admit that thing is pretty cool. Normally its the rural folk of America that do stuff like that with gasoline engines. I love how the rider could lift it up steep hills and across gullies.

ge said...

grog, on the off chance you wanted an answer, wait until your back tire's ready to turf, put the front on the back and buy a new front.

RoadQueen said...

@Dave - I know that trikes are normally for the more experienced generation, but I've always been an early bloomer.

Besides, you have to admit...the CatTrike 700 and the ICE Trike VTX are pretty gnarly looking. :)

From what I've read though, shorter people may not have an easy time of it. Will have to test them to see if it's possible to adjust enough to allow me to reach the peddles. :(

Height discrimination should have no place in cycling.

Anonymous said...

Half-Jews are denied Passover, but do get Passunder.

Fred of the Sea said...

Four hours of incoherent rambling, inhibited drinking, and bad food = Seder masochism. Kinky or hinky?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Rabbi BSNYC, I need your advice on a halalach matter, if you please.


Is the Cinnamon Toast Crunch breakfast cereal I enjoyed this morning unleavened, and thus kosher for Passover?

DB said...

I think Snob is at Coachella.
Yid Vicious is playing.

Roille Figners said...

So I go - to my cube-neighbor - "Happy Friday... hey it's Good Friday today isn't it?" To which he replies "The BEST."

McFly said...

Come on RQ. Anytime in life you want to reach something haven't you always found a way?

RoadQueen said...

McFly: Guess you're right. Where there's a will, there's a way. :)

Anonymous said...

Height discrimination should have no place in cycling.

LOLLERCOPTORS

Spokey said...

queenie

my brother just got an ICE Adventure ( http://www.icetrikes.co/explore-our-trikes/adventure )

Seems like nice one. I went with him a few months ago and test rode it. Seemed pretty nice. I might have gotten one myself but decided to pop for a whole house natural gas generator instead having gone a week with no juice (and therefore no toilet ) for a week after Sandy.


Robot hopes you all find 7608 2333935 chocolate bunnies and eggs. 'cept for youse who get that many gefilte fish.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Jesus had a crown of thorns stuck on his head. Yeah well I rode for two hours with a regular bicycle seat stuck on my butt.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Just a thought or two to contemplate over Easter:

If Jesus really does return, don't you figure that a cross is about the LAST thing he wants to see?

Although he will undoubtedly be pleased to see that the Crossfit exercise program he founded seems to have really caught on of late.

Anonymous said...

Jesus was the first zombie

McFly said...

Is Will supposed to be capitalized?

1ST RULE OF CROSSFIT CLUB:

1) NEVER SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT CROSSFIT CLUB.

I did 13 miles of the mountin styled biked then got tricked into 35 miles of the road variety 3 hours later. WTF was I thinking? I want ice cream.

McFly said...

RCT that's a nice avg for just getting started. Nice exotic metal fred chariot. I would like to see that max speed a lil higher. Let's start at 30 mph.

Anonymous said...

Half jew fro
Half jew or
Asymmetric haircut

Ricky Jones said...

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babble on said...

Mmm ice cream. I wish wish wish I coulda done a half century today...

ce said...

RCT, I was enjoying reading your blog, which is like a chilled out episode of Mythbusters or something, until I found the photo of your butt plug collection. Could this have anything to do with the saddle troubles?

ce said...

Hmmm, so anyway, just to help keep things ticking along while Snobbo is away I'm going to go ahead and pick a topic off the top of my head, any old subject, just the first thing that comes to mind. If anyone then feels they have anything noteworthy to note about whatever that subject turns out to be they may like to note it below so that others may take note and in turn note other noteworthy notes.

Here we go now. Drum roll please...

and the topic of the week is... Purchasing and Consuming Beer

dancesonpedals said...

so the roman soldier says, "I've only got one more nail, could you cross your feet please?"

ce said...

Fuck off Ricky Jones 2:50, we're talking about how exciting beer is again, not your stupid electronic cigarettes because they give has ball cancers.

Ricky jones dad said...

Fuck off ce suck my balls has three scranuses

Ricky jones mother said...

Ricky, shut up, and suck my cock!

Anonymous said...

http://vimeo.com/75321461

Easter Baggie said...

420 on Easter in case you have up weeeeeed for

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

I am not sure I have ever knowingly used the word scranus here, but somehow I managed to head out on my Gilgamesh-like five hours over some of the Bay Area's finest roads without putting on my chamois stuff (Chomperbody's Ballocks since you ask). Perhaps it was the excitement of the Amstel Gold, perhaps because it was a nice day out here. Anyway, I was definitely feeling it in the scranus after a few hours, and got out of the saddle more than usual...

Anonymous said...

i hope you enjoy your brake and, while on it, maybe get dry humped by a few pedestrians.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

CE, was watching Mythbusters the other day. On the episode they debunked Shrek's earwax candle. Yep they made a candle from ear wax collected from the cast and crew. Sickest thing I ever saw.

ce said...

Zany wheeled contraption, range testing with gun toting chick, DIY electronics and a goatee = "Recumbent Conspiracy Busters". You should test ear wax as bearing grease in your 'bent to verify the theory that recumbent riders are crazy ass mother fuckers.

ce said...

Ricky Jones is a robot selling cigarettes for robots and Ricky Jones's dad needs to take an uncanny Valium.

ce said...

I still want to get the ball rolling on the noteworthiness of purchasing and consuming beer discussion. This will help whip up some excitement, or at least some homoerotic confusion.

McFly said...

I have never pined for a beer as I do at this current instant.

Roille Figners said...

Sorry guys, I think I brought on Ricky's little outburst by mentioning vaping awhile back. Anyway, I feel that the purchase and consumption of beer is super keen. It's the shitty beer shits I don't like.

crosspalms said...

Thumbs-up on the beer, and here's something to go with it: purchasing and consuming salmon.

babble on said...

Wheat can do that to a person...
We spent the weekend at a secluded lake in the mountains, outside of cellular service and an easy internet connectivity, and STILL I found a way to post a 'sneek peak' at some luscioius Red Nipples!

How? I tethered my computer to someone's phone, and that person DID have service.

THAT's whatcha call talent... :D

Roille Figners said...

related to beer I swear

babble on said...

LOL! Look out Kung Fu Panda...

Cheers, Crosspalms. :D

Jlrb said...

Lead out

JLRB said...

And 99

Roille Figners said...

COCKBLOCK

dancesonpedals said...

frtv mvmts

Comment deleted said...

More bear fighting, orimafuckinbeverydisappointed.

Anonymous said...

Welcome Stoners to 4/21

National Random Drug Testing at Work Day!!!

a stoner said...

^ dork

dancesonpedals said...

you can't spell frat without a fart

dancesonpedals said...

you can't spell frat without a fart

McFly said...

Fil Leap Jill Bear!

Anonymous said...

Poop your chamois. Lance. Suppository steroids for winning the Tour de butthole.

Anonymous said...

Action Wipes keep my ass and Scranus really fresh before, during and after those springtime rides.

ActionWipes.Com

DB said...

I have returned from LA and I have this observation to report. Biking within six blocks of ocean, you'll probably live, any further away from ocean, you'll die.

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford may have possibly taken a shower with Sue's mom.

It's open to interpretation.

dancesonpedals said...

BIKE'S KNOB

JB said...

DB, but think of what the salt will do to your drivetrain bits! Oh the humanity!!! GAhhhHHHahhhh!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I also run a blog about urban bikes and fixed gear. I will apreciate if you have a look a it!! Many thanks!
http://seslabikes.blogspot.com.es/

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

Grrrrrr. Stephen Harper just arbitrarily changed the classification of the Humpback Whale from endangered to "of concern," so he can hammer through his nasty bitumen pipeline and all the tanker traffic that goes with.

The Humpback are an endangered, vulnerable population and they and their habitat both have a critical need for protection. The biggest threat to these whales is tanker traffic, AAAAAAAND the Hecate Straight it the THIRD MOST DANGEROUS BODY OF WATER ON THE PLANET.

FuckFuckFuck. It's criminal. The man is a bloody criminal.

Grrrrrrr. I need another ride.

babble on said...

ps.

And on the bright side, I quite like that selsabike site. It's sooooo pretty. And the music is kinda funky, too.

Sure they're starkers, those urban fixters but crazy people deserve love and respect just like everyone else, right? Besides. Beauty has its own special, redemptive value.

McFly said...

What's all this humpin' in the back business? With oil? Lube? Blow holes?

Anonymous said...

It's Brian May in camo.

babble on said...

McFly -Right?! You see?! How can we refuse any level of protection to these beleagured beasts?

JLRB said...

protect the breasts

This comment section has gone downhill with a skinsuit in a tailwind - I remember when BSnob used to take breaks there would be a good healthy discussion of anal and/or labia trimmings, and now here we are with blowholes

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

And don't forget sperm whales. They need lovin too.

crosspalms said...

Harper's just standing up for plankton and krill. Oh, sorry, that's Plankton and Krill, the lawyers hired by big oil.

commentatorbot_93247 said...

JB,

The salt/sand isn't too hard on the bike. The drivers of cars are a far bigger threat just like the rest of Canada's scranus.

Being a cycling bicyclist can be a little strange though. Imagine getting hit by an entertainment lawyer with $100,000 in plastic surgery driving his eco-friendly Tesla and then getting a letter from that lawyer's lawyer from the firm of Dewey, Cheatham and MoreRecubabe warning you not to sue or else the Tesla driver will sue you for being in their way, or something.

There are probably nicer places to visit. Definitely nicer places to ride.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to create aan alternate bikesnob blog.

It'll go something like this.....

Scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus KickStarter scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus KickStarter scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus scranus KickStarter

S c r a n I z said...

Kickacranus

Anonymous said...

Kuntscranus

Anonymous said...

Kocknballzscranus

Yeah Cleveland! said...

NYC bike map 2014.
Of course the first commentator hates most bicyclists.
http://gizmodo.com/heres-nycs-awesome-2014-bike-map-1565996759

Anonymous said...

Does your penis resemble a schrader valve or a presta valve?

Discuss.

Anonymous said...

Meanwhile in Australia...
Bret goes Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed

dancesonpedals said...

he just thought he was denis christopher

ce said...

Beer Strava 22APR14
1 of XXXX Bitter 7.00 AUD
1 of James Squire Pale Ale 7.50 AUD

Beer Strava 23APR14
1 of XXXX Bitter 7.00 AUD

McFly said...

Live streaming the Flesh Ballone at work! 54k remaining with the break at 5:00. MANDATORY QR SKEWER STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY CHECKPOINT @ 50k....the X-ray machine is powered by a small generator.

Premature jack said...

Podium

DB said...

Commentatorbot:
I assume you live around LA.
Should have met up Easter morning in Santa Monica for the blessing of the Freds.

John Dudley said...

If you are looking for skin specialist than visit Skin Clinic Delhi http://www.skindelhi.com/