Monday, April 14, 2014

The Title Of This Post Contains A Code That Will Unlock The Secrets of The Universe.

Paris-Roubaix!  So how exciting was that?

No, really, how exciting was it?  I didn't watch it.  Was it a lot exciting, a little exciting, or no exciting?  Did the riders go bouncy-bouncy on the cobbledy-stones?  Did people in shants take tedious close-up photos of their Belgian beer labels?  (Pro Tip: once you're over 21 there's absolutely nothing noteworthy about purchasing and consuming beer.)  Did they then share those same photos on Instagraham even though nobody gives a shit?  (Instagrahams are my very most favoritest breakfast cereal--after Froot Loops, of course.)  How did the Spartacus do?


(That nickname gives me the douche chills, as does Cancellara himself.)

What about Spocktopus?


(They call him Spocktopus because of his pointy ears and prehensile tentacles.)

Also, here's a fun fact: Raymond Impanis, who finished 10th place in the 1959 edition of Paris-Roubaix, used to play a "stunt nun" in the movies:



His last stunt role was in the 2007 Belgian blockbuster "The Nun Who Won Paris-Roubaix," which won sixteen "Pots Belge" (a "Pot Belge" is a Belgian Academy Award) that year, including "Best Graphic Sex" for what has since come to be known as the second-most infamous shower scene after the one in "Psycho:"



For a scene in which a nun has spirited sexual intercourse with the 120-odd fellow finishers of the "Hell of the North," it's surprisingly poignant and profoundly introspective, and also somehow a metaphor for the human condition, because all "foreign" films are a metaphor for the human condition.

Of course, spring doesn't just mean pretending to get excited about the Classics so your fellow cyclists think you're cool.  It's also about renewed interest in "cycle chic" or whatever it's called, and here's a strange video on the subject narrated by a pod person who ate the brain of a newsreel narrator from the 1940s:


I like to think I know a thing or two about on-the-bike fashion.  For example, here's me wearing a Smurf hat and resting my foot on my top tube for no discernible reason:


Here's me clenching my jaw so passers-by can simultaneously admire my sculpted beard and feel bad about how schlubby they look:


And here's me moments after my papa took my training wheels off and I pedaled a two-wheeler all by myself for the very first time:


(The excessive reach and width of the bars makes him look like a puppy trying to stay upright on an over-waxed linoleum floor.)

I can assure you I never looked back, and indeed I kept going all the way to the salon for my bikini-waxing appointment, where I crashed right through the window.

Anyway, given my sartorial bona-fides, I had one problem with the video, which was the helments:


It makes me sad when people think they can look good in helments by wearing colorful plastic hats instead.  To date, nobody has succeeded in designing an urban cycling helment that looks less dorky than a racing helment, and that includes this thing:


What is that?  He looks like like he should be playing (American) football for Yale in 1916.

Of course, one tactic is to distract people from your goofy helment hat by donning another garment that is even more comical, such as this bright red rain cape:


He looks like the Magnificent Frigatebird attempting to attract a mate.

I did get one good idea from this video though, which was to install a rolltop desk on my own bicycle:


That way I can finally make the shift from digital blogger to analogue bloggeur.  Starting in two weeks my blogging posts will be written entirely in pen and ink, and I will send them to subscribers via post, at least until such time as I can implement a Kickstarter campaign for a fleet of carrier pigeons with which to disseminate my missives.

Most of all though, this video made me miss those intense London Cat 6 scrums:


Having ridden my bicycle all over the world, I can tell you that nobody Cat 6es more intensely than Londoners:


By the way, I'm still trying to figure out how I actually took a photograph in London without catching at least 16 Bromptoneers.

Meanwhile, here in Canada's infected black market butt implant, the new thing is glow-in-the-dark fixie bikes:


“They don’t plan ahead for the capital needs of the business, and consequently they’re racing to make up lost ground,” Mr. Grousbeck says. “They start the fire drill, saying, ‘Let’s get it from my uncle and your cousin and the person down the street and the dentist.’ ”

The founders stopped short of asking their dentists for money, but they did seek loan guarantees and advice from their parents, some of whom are entrepreneurs themselves.

Wow.  Pretty dumb not to hit up the dentist.  They're pretty flush now that Serotta has gone out of business.

86 comments:

DB said...

Morning everyone.

ge said...

Last week, WCRM mentioned the Ghent Bubblegum. I thought it was pretty funny and I as I was watching another Belgian race last week I was trying to figure out the name of it. The best I could figure, it was the Skittle Prize. Thanks Snob, your technique works! That got me thinking: Belgium is known for it's chocolates, but candy too? Then on Sunday it all fell together. They're all trying to appease the Infant of the North. Which is a strange moniker when you think of it since it's south of Belgium. Okay, my theory just fell apart. This is going to take some more investigation. [nomnomnom]

Anonymous said...

PODIUM? HA INSIPID

Jasper said...

Early doors

Anonymous said...

Get the worms.

Anonymous said...

TOOP TEEN

Flyover BC said...

top ten

ge said...

Jebus! I thought that was me on that clown bike, but then I remembered, I don't have the fluoro-green jacket. Whew, riding it embarrasing enough as it is without being filmed in action.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

(Pro Tip: once you're over 21 there's absolutely nothing noteworthy about purchasing and consuming beer.)
I must disagree. 30+ years of beer consumption and I'm still loving it.
The first thing I did after my big Fred ride yesterday was to enjoy a New Belgium Fat Tire. Apropo no?

Jefe said...

Roubaix! it sounds like dancing.

Flyover BC said...

How stylish!

it's good thing that the recumbabe chick, or is it chic, never goes out of style.

Schisthead said...

Soo.... can't you make ANY bike glow in the dark? I mean, you have to be OK with it being radioactive, but it doesn't seem like a stretch to be OK with that in modern society.

ken e. said...

DRTH VDER

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...the secrets of the universe are all housed inside the scranus.

Anonymous said...

Roubaix Murray

Regular guy said...

Since I just ride my bikes, I feel so out of touch with these "bike culture" updates.

Anonymous said...

Dude, did you get some bad acid? Should I call the EMTs?

cycle

(Honestly I am worried.)

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...just remember, when you send your carrier pigeons, train them to return at breakneck speed so we can record the comments finish line.

Roille Figners said...

shoot

Anonymous said...

must have spent the weekend on this one

Roille Figners said...

Today on THE COMMUTER TRAIN THAT I TOOK in Portland: chick with a tall bike. Blocking everything. Come on people.

crosspalms said...

Is it my imagination, or is sculpted beard guy wearing one brown glove and one black glove? Bicycle chic is so hard to keep up with.

ge said...

Yeah Cleveland!: Yeah, but did you take a picture of it and post it to Instagram? It's one thing to enjoy beer, another to think everyone else cares that you're enjoying your beer (and they're not).

leroy said...

Nothing noteworthy about purchasing and consuming beer?

You, sir, have not had to cater one of my dog's poker parties.

And don't get me started about chasing him away from the cup of wine for Elijah.

g. said...

If I had a Pot Belge, I would wear a t-shirt two sizes too small to accentuate it.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

BONA FIDE

babble on said...

I know a guy in Copenhagen who takes exception to the fact that she uses that name for her blog.

LOL! You've gotta wonder how people ride a bike in a cape. You might just as well attach a sail...

Yeah Cleveland! said...

I don't know nothin 'bout no instagram. Likewise twitter. I know enough about Facebook to keep an eye on the 2 children I own who are away at college.

Anonymous said...

what is the human condition. Lazy, stupid, ignorant, vapid, mean, sad, selfish? Hard to say, but I would vote for selfish. But nothing that a jaunty cap and a stylish cape can't cure. We are doomed as a society.

dancesonpedals said...

A pretty exciting PR. Boonen wanted a 5th trophy pave (one for the thumb) and burned himself out trying to get away; he was too tired to make the jump with Sagan, who found himself in 5 man break without any other sprinters of not. Boonen lucked out when he found 3 other decent reiders (including wiggins) to chase & catch the break..then with 5-6 k to go some guy i never heard of(who's been knocking on the doo) took a flyer & rode into the velodrome alone...worth all the Euro malware I had to delete after watching a live video feed. & a guy named bubba won the masters again

the Jimboner said...

Six hours in the saddle on Sunday and only the last 20k on a broken spoke. Nothing beer couldn't fix.

JB said...

Yeah, a guy named Bubba winning the masters; you can't make this stuff up!

db said...

(Pro Tip: once you're over 21 there's absolutely nothing noteworthy about purchasing and consuming beer.)

Welp, you just broke the internet...

DB said...

I did not watch the P-R or Masters this year. The Mrs. and I went to Wes Anderson's new movie and then to dinner.
I got bonus husband points and it was a great movie.

Mammy, Oh Mammy, as Al Jolson used to sing said...

I've seen those tits so many times that I think I'm married to them.

Roille Figners said...

I feel like "nuns on a bike" is a pretty good exclamation like in

"NUNS ON A BIKE, why can't I find my scranus cream?!"

McFly said...

Where does one watch the Paris-Roubaix? NOT THAT I WOULD BECAUSE I AM TOO COOL. I was going to watch it ironically. It would not feed on Steephill or Cyclefans.

Anonymous said...

I watched Roubaix and was rooting for George Hincapie.

He said this was going to be his year winning it.

But can't see his name in the results.

Anyone knows what happened to him?

No article in velonews is telling the story.
Did he crash? flat tire?

le Correcteur said...

Artisanal analogue bloggeur, dammit! Artisanal!

dancesonpedals said...

McFly-

I got the feed from steephill. There were 10 or so choices & I took the english one (which meant a lot of bradley wiggins commentary) The trick is to not click on any recommended updates. (especially that red banner in the middle of the screen) Eventually it goes away or can be clicked off. A few weeks ago I clicked for the update & got an imperiale fucke-tonne of malware (extra search boxes, homepage hijackers) which I removed by going to my uninstall page & deleting everything installed that morning.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:26pm,

The English language cycling press have all agreed to search-and-replace "George Hincapie" with "Taylor Phinney."

--Wildcat Rock Machine

McFly said...

Yeah I normally get it no problem and never click the spam. Just go full screen and it disappears. Not sure what I am dern rong.

Anonymous said...

Tilford had a beer to celebrate his friend Brian's birthday and he's not above talking about it on his blog.

some guy named Brian said...

Your a looser if you have a friend named Brian.

Bike Smug PDX said...

In "Quest for Fire," the bearded dude clenching his jaw was played by Ron Perlman.

le Correcteur said...

Hey! That's not a rolltop desk; that's a drop front picnic basket!

2945523 12B

CommieCanuck said...

I think the Yale football helment is bully.
I'm bringing back "bully".

Flyover BC said...

After I perused some pre-used NYCentric mags this weekend, I finally understand why fashion is so important in NY, at least to the cognitive limits of my feeble flyover brain.

Here's my hypothesis:
If you can generate hype about your product, and sell your product to a fraction of NYC's population (0.00125; N=10,000) you will make out like a tweedy bandit from a Victorian novel.


I bet you could sell millons of mountain oysters in NYC if you branded them

"SCRONUTS: harvested by hand at the peak of freshness, and prepared by artisanal chefs"

Offerings could include
Scronuts scampi, Scronuts parmagiana, Scronuts al fresco, Scronuts putanesca, Scronuts Kiev (tasty and topically relevant, Scronuts al pesto, Coconut scronuts.

With only a few thousands regular customers, you could get rich, maybe. Ya'll got rednecks in NYC don't you?


Roille Figners said...

maple-bacon scronuts from Screwdoo Scronuts

dancesonpedals said...

Don't you have anything without scronuts?

There's sauage, egg, bacon & scronut...there's not much scronut in that..

BUT I HATE SCRONUTS

Here, you have the that & I'll eat your scronuts..


scronutscronutscronutscronuts...

Fred of the Sea said...

And bully for you, Commie. Say, I think that's swell!

CommieCanuck said...

Where does one watch the Paris-Roubaix? NOT THAT I WOULD BECAUSE I AM TOO COOL. I was going to watch it ironically. It would not feed on Steephill or Cyclefans.

Why does network TV flock to France every summer to cover Le Tour, and ignore the better one-day races? There is no tougher event than the PR, so tough, Specialized stole the name of the town. Maybe its because Lance never did the Paris Roubaix, for fear of breaking a nail or getting an abrasion on his vagina. I hear labiaplasty is good for that. (yeah, I'm keeping that one alive).

However, people just watch those races to see Treks break.

CommieCanuck said...

Say, I think that's swell!

Okay Mac! Whaddya know?
I outta pound you.

This all sounds authentic whilst wearing moustache wax.

I use McGillucuddy's Number 4 Wax.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Yeah, on yer pubes...

flyover bc said...

I was thinking about the scronuts promo video.

Having harvested a few scronuts "at the peak of freshness" I think it'd be best if the "harvest" wasn't shown, at all.

The donors invariably take exception to the harvest (justifiably so I might add)and it'd probably spoil more than few urban appetites, assuming they weren't straight off the farm and into the city.

Euro Spondee said...

McFly,

If you were in a sartorial city, you could have watched it at the Rapha safe house.
I watched it off Cyclefans, and it was quite entertaining, but not as much as Man City - Liverpool, frankly.
Snob - gold with the Taylor Phinney comment

CommieCanuck said...

Yeah, on yer pubes...

For aero.

This is how we did sports back in the day. You're all soft.

Anonymous said...

Wildcat Rock Machine,

Why the mini-Phinney hate?

At least mini-Phinney won the under-23 version of P-aree Rou-baay. Not saying he's going to ruuule, but, he's got far more potential than carrying bottles for a psycho.

Nice to see no one minds Hincpaie funding a development team. It's Chris Carmichael all over again. The sport is such a mess.

McFly said...

I recall the now defunct Versus airing PR and other classics. Not sure what the deal with Steephill and Cyclefans is. I got the intelligence phone for Jesusmas and it was a no go and the ipad would not load either. Too much porn maybe? Obviously thats a trick question because too much porn is not a real thing.

dancesonpedals said...

I didn't realize serotta had gone out of business. I checked their web site, which opaquely announced that they were now saratoga frame works. I feel a pang. I grew up outside saratoga & had a summer job at the geyser springs industrial park where they were built. They always looked nice but were so f'ing expensive.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CommieCanuck said...

Why the mini-Phinney hate?

Taylor Phinney was taken under the arm of Lance Armstrong in his 2008 fake anti-doping crusade and in U21 was linked to be another customer of Dr. Ferrari. Google PEDs and enhanced risk of Parkinson's disease. I refuse to take any of these "professionals" seriously.

Anonymous said...

Looks like PR will be shown on NBC Sports Network tonight at 8:00PM Eastern:
http://affiliate.zap2it.com/tv/cycling-paris-roubaix/EP000005653594?aid=nbcsports

Roubereft said...

Aw, bugger!

I was looking forward to watching the Roubaix for the first time only to tune in here to find it's already been and gone.

Did anyone record it on a video cassette they could lend me?

Anon 5:31, thanks, but my antenna's not big enough to pick up NBC. I'm in Sydney.

McFly said...

Sweet. Its rainin and dropping to 30. Emc=3 HarryBecky is on the DVR and PR is on tonight so my next 2 afternoons are set. I need some pot bulge.

Anonymous said...

If your still in Sydney please pull out. We got a date later.

Anonymous said...

Great post snobby

ge said...

What I can't understand is, here in Canuckistan anyway, they rebroadcast Ghent Bubblegum and Skittles Prize, but it doesn't look like they're going to rebroadcast Paris Roubaix™. Showed two cycling events Sunday morning and they were both mountain biking. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

dancesonpedals said...

I have this feeling anon at 5:12 rides a serotta

Zebra Man said...

I think that pixieish girl in the black and white striped shirt adjusting her helmet for the photo shoot is hot.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:56pm,

Where did you see anything approaching "hate?"

I do think all indicators point to "superdomestique" as far as his career is concerned, though.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Bicycling Hub posted the last 40km of the P-R.
I watched a few minutes of it, Meh.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?list=UUic2PzSfuIiuMivBjilQKuQ&v=TOXGU-kyj-I

Anonymous said...

Yeah, it's not teh hates. I didn't mean it so vengefully.

Whoops. I may have tripped the Sinyard litigation machine with the use of a word. Sorry.

McFly said...

Would it kill them to spray some Round Up in the forest of Arenberg? I want to see a slo mo of Liz Hatch ride thru there.

jodphoto said...

Where can I get me one of those "Chairman Mao's Thoughts Will Protect My Head" helments. Woo-fuckin-hoo.

Anonymous said...


http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uT7u6SiwZM4/Tql-iOPgZlI/AAAAAAAARj8/ckXsBWD40kk/s1600/nigerian-bike-helmets.jpg

Anonymous said...

beret helemenet

Anonymous said...

Some bloggers are so hard to please.. first the bars are not wide enough, then they are too wide.

Jeez

jill said...

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Find a great range of bikes at Turning Point Cycles .

Jake Dean said...

Anagram solver gives the following suggestions: octopus act, tattoos, topcoats, taco soup, cat poo. Still trying to connect the dots...

DB said...

McFly, 8:41, Comment of the Day.

DB said...

Make that 8:51.

David Pearce said...

Hey Snob,

You know a lot about bikes, but your knowledge of desk types is WOEFULLY lacking. As a former antiques dealer, I will set you straight and await your heartfelt apology to all of us.

You do not want a rolltop desk on your bike, you want a fall-front or secretary desk on your bike. A roll top desk uses a set of rounded horizontal slats to close and open the work area of the desk.

The rolltop desk is not to be confused with its distant relative, the tambour (or tambor desk), which uses vertical slats to hide or open the pigeonholes behind the outward-folding desktop of a fall-front desk, and is ALSO not to be confused with actor Jeffrey Tambor!

In my opinion, the tambour desk got its name because one can imagine the look of the rolled up vertical slats of the desk, hidden in its interior, resembling the body of a drum, which is also called a tambour in certain countries, but I'm not sure.

Anonymous said...

Phinney will win more than George, his genes are unparrellelled. I didn't know how to spell that word so I just doubled up on everything.

Anonymous said...

Oh, come on now Wildcat, don't pretend you don't have any interest in racing. I know the fire still burns in you or you wouldn't have posted that rear-view still-frame of you dropping that girl on a hybrid awhile back.

Anonymous said...

Shouldn't it be Bromptonauts?
Moultoneers and Bromptonauts?