Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Hey, your shoes are untied.



Ha, ha, I got you!  Your shoes aren't untied.  They don't even have laces!  They've got some kind of Velcro® and ratcheting closure system.

Stupid Freds.

Also, so that my francophone readers can join in the fun, here's that entire prank again in French:

"Fait attention, votre chaussures sont champignons!"



Votre vie est un illusion grand.


("La poisson est mort.")

Et maintenant, c'est fini.


Wow, I'm really depressed now.

Now that we've gotten out of the way, I regret to tell you that circumstances once again dictate my furnishing you with something of a truncated post.  You know, vicissitudes of life and all that.  By way of a palliative, I had made two (2) videos for you yesterday using my Fly6 camera, both of which I was going to post today.  One of these videos was me riding over the Brooklyn Bridge during the day, and the other was me riding over the Manhattan Bridge at night.  See, the Brooklyn Bridge is old-timey and encrusted with tourists, and the Manhattan Bridge is industrial-looking and rumbly.  It was all about artistic juxtaposition and mise-en-scène* and all that.  Also, both videos were boring as Levi Leipheimer riding a neutralized Tour stage, but this is America, where ultimately quantity trumps quality.

*[I don't know what that is.]

ANYWAY, I went through all of the trouble of uploading and editing both of these boring-ass videos to a popular Internet video hosting website, only to have the aforementioned website totally mute the Brooklyn Bridge video because there's a Michael Jackson impersonator at the foot of the bridge and he's performing to the song "Beat It," which you can hear in the background:


I'm pretty sure incidental capture of a portion of a song being played by a street performer falls under "fair use," and I've disputed it because I have nothing better to do with my life, but in the meantime I'm inspired by the knowledge that our publicly-traded companies go to such great lengths to protect the copyrights of great Americans like Michael Jackson.

Presumably armed drones will be coming for the street performer next.

Of course, the Manhattan Bridge video at night is even more boring than the Brooklyn Bridge video, what with having no street performers in it and all, so here it is in all its soporific glory:



If nothing else, it shows that the Fly6 works passably at night.

ANYWAY, sorry to leave you while I flit hither and thither, but I'll be back tomorrow in all my soporific glory, and in the meantime be vigilant because it's April Fools and everything you read today is a lie.  (Which, if you think about it, is no different than the rest of the year, when everything you read is a lie.)

I love you,


--Wildcat Rock Machine


116 comments:

Anonymous said...

Post-hipsters not awake yet?

Dan Onion said...

podium?

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Hey hey

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Watching the video backwards reminded me of the intro to Police Squad!. (Yes I'm that old).

Anonymous said...

Dude! Too early!

cycle

Biking the Live Fantastic said...

Le chapeau!just kidding! Your barn door's open! April Fools!

Jeffery Young said...

The red light swirling around is very hypnotizing. I'm sure I must follow some command now. I think I missed the command. "By your command"

Anonymous said...

Top ten!!!! Back to bed

Commie said...

Damn...haven't even time to scratch ones scranus in the morning any more.

cervicalgia said...

love the rivibikes ad!

Anonymous said...

It pains me to take part in this pathetic ritual for top spots on the Fred podium but what the hell.... Top 10, from Osaka Japan.

I feel dirty and cheapened, but somehow satisfied

Jasper said...

Early doors, damn

Euro Spondee said...

Zut, quelle horreur!
How the f*** did anyone at Y**T*** figure out that B*** I* was being squawked in the background?
Thanks for the brooding existentialism, today of all days.

Anonymous said...

Insert tiresome sexual innuendo here.

JB said...

APRL FRED

JB said...

With the red swirling light effect, can you please add audio that I think of as "French police siren?" Thanks.

mikeweb said...

Avril Levigne!

Euro Spondee said...

JB - that'd be tocsin, tocsin
Pas de quoi, mate

DB said...

Snob must have school conferences today for his seventeen (17) children.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Rounding out the top 20.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

If you cue up that Avicii song in a second tab then play it along with the Cat6 footage it works. The music plays nice with that rotating red glow.

Well at least as good as any hipster rides bike for seven minutes youtube video can.

crosspalms said...

Somebody remind me to take the pump off my bike when I park it. Oh, wait, some prankster already did. April Fool's indeed. (And yes, I'm the Fool who left it there without chaining it to everything, but still -- woe unto thieves.)


Maybe the thief was a covetous rnerybo

Fred of the Sea said...

This statement is false.

Blog Drafter said...

Voilà Fête

You should add a little narration to your videos, Snob. Let us know how you're feeling, say hi to passing Freds, yell at the dogs, etc.

That sure is an ugly bridge, however it is a:

deices original.

Anonymous said...

Tilfords got the Eriksen built. Its got nice welds. Crazy nice.

Also crotch talk.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Ce n'est pas une pipe.


Captcha thinks this post was so lame it would even..."embarrass ivinten."

Fred of the Sea said...

"Ceci", but yes.

Anonymous said...

Short, like your John Thomas.
I demand a refund.

dancesonpedals said...

I remember a bike blogger who shit all over strava...why record a gps of your ride when you can just experience the ride...now he's going gaga off his fly6 (aka the ass-backwards-cam

Roille Figners said...

What is this, the fuckin Marines? 3 tens of comments before I even dranque my coffee.

McFly said...

Hey your MILF is le untied.

JK.....she is still cinched to the main mast.

Roille Figners said...

O the stalwart brave-hearted souls at YouTube and their copyright protection crusade on behalf of some big-ass company. How about protecting my PRIVACY, bitches?

OK the circular red swirling motion constitutes one reason to maybe not combine a camera with a taillight. It's like it was filmed by a cop. Who was running away from shit instead of chasing it. Very confusing.

bad boys bad boys
whatchagonnado
whatchagonnado whendeycom for you

Fred Nifacent said...

Reminds me of my childhood vacation to florida. A two day preveiw of the return trip that I would not see since I would be getting the sight or what everyone else saw on the way there. Yes, I am THAT old.

RoadQueen said...

56 degrees out right now. Sunshine bounty to be had. Am I out in it?

No. I'm hiding from work on this blog. FML.

Yay for the first outside ride of 2014 yesterday evening though! Woo-hoo!

Also - hills hurt more than a trainer. Just sayin'

Vernal Magina said...

What's with all these fucking vicissitudes of life, and all that.

wishiwasmerckx said...

L'etat, c'est moi.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

I love you, too

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...umm... you inadvertently posted your time crossing the manhattan bridge. now strava freds will be doning their tights and beating your time and posting it.

Fred of the Sea said...

Today, I felt like telling every one of the horde of crocus-jacketed bicycular commuters I saw that I had been out there all this blasted winter. However, decided they might think I was a compulsive fool with a particularly lame way of impressing himself and held my peace.

Roille Figners said...

watch it this way

wishiwasmerckx said...

Les vagins sont parle.

trama said...

north bay checkin in, top 50, coffee good idea

I want a backwards crotchpost camera now, so I can upload useless videos to distant computer farms cooled by arctic ice can burn coal to keep them.

Broiled eshgis

Anonymous said...

everything you read today is a lie. Thanks for the paradox.

mikeweb said...

Speaking of copyright infringement, at a certain point in the video I got a flashback of the opening credits to the TV show 'Taxi'.

You know the part where they show the taxi driving over the Queensboro bridge (fuck Ed Koch), and then when the camera pans away you realize that the video is in an endless loop and the taxi really isn't getting anywhere (yes! metaphor!!). No? Yeah, me neither.

balls™ said...

We're all going to get laid!




(just kidding. April fools)

grog said...

Did you notice I put BenGay in your jar of shammy-cream? Your viddy is the best thing on tv.

FRED FOOL
MIKL JKSN
BKLN BRDG

Spokey said...

what the hell is this posting crap while I'm still in bed


148 2652963

Faster Than My Shadow said...

Yep, pretty bloody boring video alright, except for the parts where your shadow sprints out of the saddle to overtake your, repeatedly. You better start training cause that guy is making you look like a plonker.

Anonymous said...

I want my money back.



beat it; indeed....

ce said...

Le Wildsomething Something Machine, luckily nobody on a Specialized rode past you while crossing le Manhattan Bridge or else that video would have been removed also. Actually it may still be taken down - your taillight appears to be infringing upon their trademark of le color red. The armed private security drones are overhead.

By the way, your bridge is longer than my main street (no sexual innuendo intended).

Bryan said...

That picture of the fish - I want some sushi now, dammit. And to go fishing. Ugh, just get me out of this office! 82 and sunny here in Columbia ,SC!

dancesonpedals said...

conjugation of jizzum

ich jizze
du jizst
er jit

Sie jizzum
Ihr jizzet
sie jizzum

(past participle, er hat gejizst)

I'm sorry. I left conjugated jizzum all over the page.

his itepubs

McFly said...

Bad boys bad boys

Whatcha gunna du

Whatcha gunna du when they come for you?

Roille Figners said...

laugh me arse off!

Comment deleted said...

Le chat est sur la table. Le piano va manger la bibliotheque.


Fin.

Anonymous said...

I too like the parts of the video where you are being repeatedly overtaken by your shadow. I'm sure there is a metaphor in that. Also, I like near the end when you cunningly evaded the cops, who were no doubt after you for breaking the speed limit (minimum) over the bridge. All in all not bad, I've seen indy films with less of a plot.

Roille Figners said...

memed this bitch UP

this works better

Weird Al don't care about no copyright

for Mikeweb

for JB

the jobless viewpoint

Percy W. Vaughan said...

I really enjoyed your video: something in between Jonas Mekas and Hill Street Blues.

Mr Plow said...

My shoe actually was untied. Thank you.

Roille Figners said...

and of course

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Comment deleted said...

Genius, Roille. The one for Mikeweb fits perfectly.

Anonymous said...

The camera was producing a singularity whereby you were being chased by Brett's (Time Traveling TriDork / not Brett from the Horton Collection) dark matter particles. Had you achieved Woo Hoo Hoo Speed, you would have seen him pass you in full yellow and black colorway (I don't know hof to italicize on this thing).

vsk

Spokey said...

Good Lob Wildcat must suck.

Shadow lapped him 67 times by my count. Probably more that i missed in the dark areas.



Robot is heading nswozeb South. It's had it with this weather.

Spokey said...

anon @ 1:51

<i>some text</i>

produces

some text



robot has been influence toshoa my brain.

CommieCanuck said...

It's so easy to make fun of fat fucks.

JB said...

Spokey, the real question is: how do you get it to print the italics code without it following the code? [head explodes]

CommieCanuck said...

I just bought a used CAAD9 with Ultegra off a freakishly tall guy to use as my crap weather and commuting bike, does this make me a douche? Should I enrol in dental school? You get to play with the nitrous gas, right?

CommieCanuck said...

Spokey, the real question is: how do you get it to print the italics code without it following the code?

Proof that Spokey is Ed Snowden.

Anonymous said...

WTF

Roille Figners said...

Use the tag

(stands for example)

Roille Figners said...

holy shit BOOOSH

the XMP tag, is what I meant

(but you know, as a tag)

Spokey said...

CC

might be right. I understanding is Snowden isn't that clever (showing how bad fed computer security really is). I've been told I'm not that clever.

There are also those who claim that you've never seen the two of us in the same place at the same time.

Available evidence is looking bad for spokey

JB said...

Alas, youdubber is blocked at the work.

Cubs Lose, Cubs Lose said...

Hey, Cleveland @ 815: "Hey, hey" is what Harry Caray used to say in Chicago, not in Cleveland. In Cleveland it's more common to hear "Hey, the Cayahoga River is on fire again".

Dooth said...

Good "Taxi" call, mikeweb...maybe the Fly6 video could serve as the intro to an BSNYC-inspired sitcom. Let me place a call to that network executive I know, a Mr...

Hyperch Goldsmith

ge said...

You know what's a really awesome thing to do? Sign up for Bicyclecycling comments so you can comment on Wildcat's monthly column.

Okay, you signed up now?

Ha! April Fools! Now you'll get spam from all 643 magazines from Rodale Press. And the best part? You have to unsubscribe from each magazine offer separately. But don't worry, they'll spread it out so that you'll be getting spammed for years.

Anonymous said...

I'll just leave this right here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wn-MlISDsNs

crosspalms said...

roille,
Those were great fun. You're an inspiration to us all.

ge said...

Wait, it takes 7 minutes to ride over the Manhattan bridge? Definite sleep aid. You should ride over the Verrazano bridge and market the video as an insomnia cure. The Fly6 isn't just soporific, it's hypnotic.

babble on said...

Fred of the Sea - I was out at a commuterly hour today and was surprised to see how many people were using the bike lanes today. I'm happy to see so many different people on bikes these days, and especially so many more girls than before.

Commie. Forget about enrolling in school. You're probably an honorary dentist already. Just challenge the course, and take the test. Isn't your middle name Fred, or something?

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

The Best Lol n Troll Network - I want in on that.
What a lot of cunning linguists we have on the thread today. There was I thinking USAmericans were all monoglots.

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

Wow, Roille, awesome. I almost watched the whole of one of those vids, which is a first for me.
But you NYers have cages on your bridges, bunch of wusses. Golden Gate ain't got no safety net - despite funds being voted for it years ago now...

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

Wow, Roille, awesome. I almost watched the whole of one of those vids, which is a first for me.
But you NYers have cages on your bridges, bunch of wusses. Golden Gate ain't got no safety net - despite funds being voted for it years ago now...

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

Ugh, wi-fi black hole, sorry peeps

Anonymous said...

Long time reader, first time commenter. About saying, "On ur left side" on the trails, I adopted the, "down the middle, down the middle" phrase, of course saying it in a rude manner, this way the gray hairs don't forget which side is left as they jump away from the center of the trail, opens a nice lane for me.

crosspalms said...

Lumpen Fred,
The cages are to protect cyclists from errant drivers. Suicidal New Yorkers just go to Dunkin Donuts and sit by the window.

babble on said...

Crosspalms... :D ++ heh heh

Comment deleted said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Comment deleted said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Comment deleted said...

Neither <pre> nor <code> are acceptable tags for Blogger, so if you want to show HTML code here, you have to use ampersand escapes, as Spokey so adroitly demonstrated.

The self-referential parts of this post are entirely false.

dancesonpedals said...

thank you lumpenfred...mom told us to always lick the stamp, even if we can't deliver the letter.

Dooth said...

Y'all didn't notice the train running alongside that darn Wildcat? That's the reason for the cage.
Golly, wouldya get hold-a-that, a train and a bike on bridge. If that don't beat all...

ge said...

Ooh, I done <i> learnt sumthin today </i> Who'da thunk it?

it's Roille Figners I swear said...

Yeah Lumpen, if you put a cage on it, how in the heck are people gonna kill themselves? Or where? Not NYC I guess. Maybe from the bike lane on (what I understand is only PART OF? can you confirm?) the new Bay Bridge.

We cater to the bereaved, the thirsty broke, and the

recently edlinent

campell fdy said...

17022did everyone else know that the man princesses of bike polo have bike polo specific gloves to play bike polo? kent ave 4:55 headed north bike polo specific gloves were as unsettling as the fact that lord of polo had a girlfriend that looked just like him

Anonymous said...

Comment deleted said...

...ampersand escapes...

April 1, 2014 at 4:51 PM


Get fucked!

"Ampersand escapes" is something that should not even exist, let alone be published in a family friendly blog such as this.

But never mind that, please tell me why the preview robot says; "Your HTML cannot be accepted: Tag is not closed: I"

wishiwasmerckx said...

Joyeux poisson d'Avril.

Anonymous said...

Beat the Yule logo video.

NYCeWheels Bike Shop said...

Thanks for another great post! Happy April fools - Jack

The Artful Dodger said...

The tinfoil layer that covers my helmet thwarts the government from reading what my brain is thinking. Are all those 'cell phone' relay towers REALLY for cell phones?!!! I think not. Right now I'm busy wrapping my bike in Duck Tape so they can't track me on radar. It's gonna have stealth capabilities don't you... Wait! There's a coded message coming through the static on my t.v. screen. I must go now.

Anonymous said...

Boring, boring, geez you're boring. I can't wait until tomorrow's post just so that I can confirm how boring you are. I h8 u.

Anonymous said...

I like to wrap my ducks in duct tape, then I wrap my ducts in duck tape.

The Artful Dodger said...

Of course! Duck Tape brand is from too big a corporation. They must be IN on the conspiracy too. I'll start rewrapping with a generic product right now. So much to do... so much to do...

Nacnud said...

I wrap my dick in duct tape.

Jerome said...

"Fait attention, votre chaussures sont champignons!"
"Poisson D'Avril!!!"
"Votre vie est un illusion grand."

Je crois, cher ami, que c'est votre français qui devient une illusion couverte de champignons! ;-)

McFly said...

lol Peter Sagan accidently won the 1st stage of De Panne(French for The Pan).....hey man these podio asses ain't gunna squeeze themselves.

Fred of the Sea said...

I wrap my dicta in dactyls

mikeweb said...

For those who care about this kind of thing, New Yorkers (or New Jersey-ers) have to get to the GW bridge to kill themselves. As a bonus, they have the choice of jumping off, or hopping over the other short fence and stepping in front of a semi on the upper roadway.

ge said...

J'aime toutes les créatures de Dieu - avec la sauce aux champignons.

ce said...

Yeah Cleveland 8:15/Mcy Fly1:26/Roille Figners 1:36/Anonymate 3:33,

Le fucking funny

ce said...

Le Ass Patrol

BikeSnobNYC said...

Mikeweb,

It's cute how people from other cities don't realize how many suspension bridges we have that are at least, if not more, awesomely suicidal than the Golden Gate.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

CommieCanuck said...

I wrap my dick in duct tape.

Factoid: duck tape should not be used on home heating ducts, but home Deport sells duck tape in the heating ducts section and labels it as "duct tape".

That also explains the seedy women hanging out in the gardening section beside the hoes.

Jacques Poisson said...

mais moi chausseurs sont pamplemousses. Voila le agrumes.

paulb said...

I like the shorty-short columns at Sands Street.