Thursday, April 3, 2014

By The Time You Finish Reading This I'll Be Out On A Bike Ride

When I'm dead and buried and then exhumed and launched into space on an intergalactic disco rocket traveling at the speed of light, ultimately reanimating me so I can roam the galaxy for all eternity, I want to be remembered here on Earth for my thorough product reviews.

See, the traditional method of reviewing bicycles and related products and gewgaws is to slather them with praise and move on to the next one, like you're serving ice cream sundaes.  There's never any follow-up.  See, anyone can pour chocolate sauce on something, but how many "sundae artists" are there 12-24 hours later, when it's coming out the other end and causing severe stomach cramping?

That's where I come in.  I'm the guy who's not afraid to look in the toilet and analyze the stool.

Take, for example, the Electra Amsterdam Original 3i bicycle, of which I took delivery way back in 2009 and wrote about thusly:


That was a long time ago!  I bet some of you weren't even born in 2009.

ANYWAY, my wife ultimately adopted the Electra as her "townie" and was quite fond of it, apart from the fact that it wasn't a step-through.  Then one day in 2012 she was riding to work when she experienced a mechanical failure, forcing her to park the bike somewhere in the East Village and press on by subway train.  Shortly thereafter, a shitstorm blew through our lives as they are wont to do, and we ended up leaving the bike where it was for like three months or something.  (It also fell off the roof rack of THE CAR THAT I OWN at one point, you can read all about it here.)  When we finally got around to retrieving the bike, it looked like this--which is to say rusty, but more or less fine:


This ordeal endeared the Electra to me considerably, for it had already experienced more tribulation than any single bicycle should experience in its lifetime.  Now, for the first time, it actually felt like it was mine.  (Or, more accurately, my wife's.)

But then, last fall, something else happened, which is that my wife got a real Dutch bike:


(WorkCycles, as ridden by Bret in the right-hand margin.)

This bike totally blew her mind because it's awesome, and we officially became exactly the sorts of people I used to laugh at back in 2009 because they were into Dutch bikes.  And as we gazed lovingly at the WorkCycles, we'd then look over at the Electra, then we'd look at each other, and then we'd say, "Fuck that thing."

Yep, after four years of bagel runs and commuting and picnics in the park and dinner dates, it was as easy as that:

"Fuck that thing."

So I locked the Electra outside, and then Old Man Winter came, dumping upon us Imperial Fucktonne after Imperial Fucktonne of cursed snow:


(It looked pretty for about five minutes but it got old really fucking fast.)

Stupidly I never took a picture of the Electra during any of this, but for most of the winter it was almost completely buried.  Then, yesterday evening, I was outside hanging out with one of my 17 children, and on a whim I unlocked the Amsterdam.  "No way this thing will be rideable," I thought wrongly.  In fact, all it took was a few PSI in each tire and the thing was just as rideable as ever:


Not only that, but the Knog light worked too:


That really blew my mind.  I don't think I've charged it for like a year.

ANYWAY, we spent the rest of the evening racing bikes sewer-to-sewer and laying down fat coaster brake skidzzz, and with that the Electra re-eentered my life and I fell in love with it yet again--at least until I decide to ghost-ride it into a large body of water for laughs and then dredge it out six months later, thus beginning the cycle anew.

As for the moral of the story, it's simple:

Any bike reviewer who tells you that you need a belt drive or a titanium frame or dick breaks or anything other kind of Budnitz-y feature in order to have a durable, maintenance-free city bicycle is completely and utterly full of shit.

Also, a comfy, upright bicycle like the Electra would be the perfect bicycle for the latest wave of Brooklyn gentrifiers, who are apparently the grandparents of the previous wave of Brooklyn gentrifiers:


Now that's how you get properly priced the fuck out.

Speaking of bikes and being full of shit, have you heard about the Pulsium?


Let's break this story down to its most salient points:

Pulsium
Y-shaped
elastomer bung in the lower branch
27 percent more vertical flex than its Sensium
slightly longer seatstays and a longer head tube
physically tolerant
incredible vertical flexibility while keeping the lateral rigidity
top half of the Pulsium compliant and the bottom half stiff
optimised for stiffness
robust
can switch between short and long
We rather like the shape
ever-so-slightly bowed
six sizes
available

So am I reading about a bike or a fucktoy?  It's frightening that your LBS may soon be inviting you to ride their Pulsium.  This thing makes even the Cipollini seem chaste:


("This is exactly what it looks like.")

Lastly, once again a Kickstarter entrepreneur is entreating me to write about something I already wrote about:

My name is Pat and I came across your Blog Site in a Google search.... your in the top 50 USA Bloggers which will make you happy if you didn't already know this!?

Was enquiring to see if you can run a small blog on us and what we do?
We're currently running a Kickstarter campaign and need some exposure so contacting you seemed the obvious starting choice.

We have a pretty cool product that fixes all the quirks of the canvas under seat tool bags. Check it out?
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2110457015/integrated-minimalist-under-seat-cycle-storage...
We hope you find this interesting as we've had excellent response down here in New Zealand.

If you need any more info please get in touch.

I don't mean to make sound testy or anything but I ALREADY GODDAMN DID IT!!!  Also, there is absolutely nothing quirky about a canvas saddle bag, but there is a shitload that's quirky about a plastic saddle-vag called the "Aeroclam."

Most importantly, "top 50 USA Bloggers" does not make me happy.  That's like a pack finish in a Cat 5 race.

102 comments:

Anonymous said...

Woof-snazzle

Anonymous said...

double podium

Bryan Bracy said...

Ooh doin biotchezzes

Kenny said...

"elastomer bung in the lower branch?"

SIGN ME UP!!!

ge said...

No

Andrew Bergdorf said...

scranuses love cambiums

ge said...

Your what is in the top 50 USA Bloggers? Your scranus?

you're*

grog said...

Recumbabe should consider Aeroclam. It's a beautiful day.
RIDE BABE

Anonymous said...

By the time you read this, I'll be wishing I was riding -
BTW Top Ten!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Nonpulsiumed

JB said...

I want to go on a bike ride, but I have to do the work and my neck/shoulders are throbbing from a ruptured disc flare-up. #blessed

McFly said...

lol That human baby is about one good blouse tug away from showin' us some wrinkly GILF boobie. I am repulsed.....yet I cannot turn away.

le Correcteur said...

Settling with top twenty. Drug users; in ten years the 11 people ahead of me will all be confessing to EPO. I alone will be pure, unsullied; the retroactive podium will be mine, I say!

Anonymous said...

I would love to go for a bike ride but im stuck inside at this daily torture clinic that i call my job. Fuck this travesty.

James said...

By the time you read this I will still be sitting at my desk looking like I am working but actually reading bicyclecycling blogs.

rct via smart phone I'm too dumb to sync to my other devices. said...

Top 20.

DB said...

Nice one, Wildcat.
Which of the commentators has been here since Snob began this post? Just wondering as I came in late and was wondering who my Elders are. One needs to be respectful.

streepo said...

hee hee hee. aeroclam!



wicewi some

McFly said...

I recall the Electra falling off the Accord that he owns. My wife's Fuji fell off the Ford that I own last Friday. It was low speed and she crashes it all the time anyway so hey whatevs.

Anonymous said...

Top Twenty in your bumhole

trama said...

I could only dream of finishing with the pack cat5 22 minute crit what just happened oh it's over?

CRAP RIDR

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"Pulsium
Y-shaped
elastomer bung in the lower branch
27 percent more vertical flex than its Sensium
slightly longer seatstays and a longer head tube
physically tolerant
incredible vertical flexibility while keeping the lateral rigidity
top half of the Pulsium compliant and the bottom half stiff
optimised for stiffness
robust
can switch between short and long
We rather like the shape
ever-so-slightly bowed
six sizes
available"

Interesting. That's almost a perfect summary of my digestive track and the three plates of Chinese buffet I just ate.

DB said...

Good thing your wife's bike wasn't on the hemi, McFly.
It would be in orbit.

Fred of the Sea said...

It's kind of depressing for your posterity when your sad old possessions outlast you. I'm thinking of my Dad's old Rudge Sports with the full-size saddle bag and my Mom's old Raleigh with the Dynohub. Sell the Electra before it becomes a burden to your 17 innocent children.

I think I'll go mix memory with desire and sob disconsolately.

Roille Figners said...

What a coincidence - I've got an elastomer bung in MY lower branch!

Or is that an elastomer branch in my lower bung?

Shoot. Be right back.

David Byrne's Cybernetic Head From The Future said...

There's only room in this galaxy for one of us pal. And I got the disco ship locked down.

g. said...

“I am the Great Cornholio! I need TP for my bung(hole)!”

I can't believe they didn't incorporate that into their marketing. Celebrity endorsements are all the rage.

Roille Figners said...

Rage against my bunghole.

KA-WIDDIT NOW
GWAW WAW wicki WAW WAW wicki wicki wicki WAW WAW wicki WAW WAW...

Comment deleted said...

It was bound to happen with your disgusting saddle hygiene, Snob. You must have ridden your wife's Dutchie (pass it on the left hand side) once, and now it's sporting a saddle-shaped carbuncle off the front of the top tube.

Please, for the love of lob, throw out your scrofulous old saddle, disinfect your scranus, and stop spreading the plague.

A proud mother said...

Congrats on being, what is obviously, 50th place!

Myles na gCopaleen said...

...people who spend most of their natural lives riding iron bicycles over the rocky roadsteads of the parish get their personalities mixed up with the personalities of their bicycles as a result of the interchanging of the mollycules of each of them, and you would be surprised at the number of people in country parts who are nearly half people and half bicycles.

babble on said...

Oh come on. It doesn't matter what Google says, snobbers - we're here cause you're da best. And Hey! As the astute judges the relative merit of intellectual discourse that we are, you can always count on us for stimulating, erudite conversation.

The Great Cornholio indeed... :D

McFly - I'm willing to bet that your wife and I are related.

RCT- Lol!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Factcheck time: So I looked up top 50 food bloggers on Delish.com, and BSNYC was nowhere to be found.

mikeweb said...

Clamshells and bung holes.

Yet another fantastic scranular related post (scran-tastic?) from our intrepid reporter 'down under'.

McFly said...

It was my fault. I was in front of her in the Hemi and I had the QR on the roof rack clamped onto the angled part of the fork above the drop out instead of on the flat. A fireman stopped and turned his lights on so she could get it out of the 4 lane.

Then he wanted to show her his hose.

Buffalo Bill said...

Well, at least he didn't address it to Bikesnot.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't mid a little "aero-clam" with Granny in brooklyn

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Bung in the hole!!!!

Etherhuffer said...

Here in Seattle we have Aero-geoducks, but they are so obscene that you will get arrested if you use one in public. Locals will know..

Fred Clydesdale said...

one day while hanging out between the apple store and local artisanal bakery as i waited for my girlfriend to finish her pilates class (I WILL NOT BE JUDGED) i noted two dutch bikes locked to the end of the bench i was sitting on.

as i waited, a young couple emerged from the bakery and walked toward the bikes. i was feeling all superior & whatnot due to my high levels of edginess compared to these obvious suburban trendwhores, 'til they began to speak as they unlocked the bikes, and lo and behold they were speaking dutchinese! or dutchian, or whatever they speak in the neverlands.

my question to you is: should i get the 13 inch or 15 inch macbook?

The Pool Boy said...

Never pass up a chance on some Young Grandma Action. The kind with the long salt-n-pepper locks that actually need to be lopped off will fuck you like it's the last D they are ever going to get.

Then serve you cookies.

Hey don't judge I mowed yards one summer to make ends meet.

Roille Figners said...

I will help out by answering some of the many questions in the email from Pat the Saddle Clam Flagger.

Your in the top 50 USA Bloggers which will make you happy if you didn't already know this!?

Sadly, it didn't. See above.


Was enquiring to see if you can run a small blog on us and what we do?

Yes, you were in fact enquiring about that.


Check it out?

Yes.

Anonymous said...

So people who want dick...
breaks are nucking futs but purchasing a $2000 45 lb victorian roadster in 2013 is sane?

OK...then.

Anonymous said...

top 50! You're being modest, at a time where pretty much everyone has a blog that is pretty friggin good. Take a victory lap my friend. Or better yet get a knuckle tat: T O P F I D D Y

Flyover BC said...

I heard the other day that bikes are too expensive. And I agree, so I looked it up the costs of the two bikes featured today.

The Electra costs about $1100 and the Workscycle costs about $1700.

I guess I'm cheap because I think $1000 is probably too much for an above average quality bike.

So far I have $380 dollar hybrid and $275 dollar road bike. I don't know how I'll get by without something new.

So far, I've only got about 17,000 miles on them (12,000 and 5,000).

Anonymous said...

Sounds like the Electra is pretty durable, too bad it rides like a 75lb dutch bike. If they could jest get that small detail down, they might have a bike that is worth buying (and actually using).

Anonymous said...

So I suppose if a gang of guys stole the Electra and threw it in the car with them they would be Carmen Electra?

Oldentard Patrol said...

DB 12:17, show respect to Leroy, Commie, RCT, BGW (no one else will), uh, buffalo bill still around? Of course, Anonymous has been there the longest and stuck with it day after day. And then there are all the "Name/URL" douches who just put up some random name.

Flyover bc said...

Never mind my comment about the cost of the two bikes.

Apparently they sell by the "pound", or is it kilos nowadays. Anyway the price of metals has been pretty high for about ten years, and its obviously reflected in the price.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Flyover BC,

I believe the price for the Amsterdam in this post is closer to $500. Maybe that's for a different model? (Not for nothing, but there's also a used one on my local Craigslist right now for $175.)

The WorkCycles is certainly not a cheap bike but is a also a pretty serious smugness machine with fenders, lights, wheel lock, center stand, yadayadayada.

Anonymous 3:17pm,

Awhile back I tested an Electra Ticino. (I'm too lazy to link to the post, but it's out there.) That was a really nice bike. I probably should have kept it.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

How was your ride Wildcat?

ce said...

Those New Zealanders will be feeling sheepish now.

CommieCanuck said...

Top 50 USA bloggers de facto makes me top 50 USA blogger commentor. IN YOUR FACE Belarus.

DB said...

Thanks, Oldentard Patrol.
I had a feeling they were our Founding Fathers, but wasn't sure.
Their comments will carry more weight for me now.

BikeSnobNYC said...

recumbent conspiracy theorist,

Very pleasant, thank you.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

CommieCanuck said...

Which of the commentators has been here since Snob began this post? Just wondering as I came in late and was wondering who my Elders are. One needs to be respectful.

That would be anonymous, followed by comment deleted.

I just assumed most of the comments were from RTMS/WRM/BSNYC, etc., he has a tendency to multiple personality disorder, kinda like Sybil on a bike.

CommieCanuck said...

I had a feeling they were our Founding Fathers, but wasn't sure.
Their comments will carry more weight for me now.


Wha..you calling us FAT?
You can see all our faces carved into a rock in Central Park, known as Mount Snobmore, with the engraving, the nobelist spirit of flatulance and sodomy humor embiggens us all. Hee Hee Embiggen.

We all met at an HTML course at the Learning Annex.

Anonymous said...

Which is greater; an Imperial Fucktonne or a Metric Shit ton?

Wildcat Crock Machine said...

Blah blah Dutch bike not that heavy blah blah blah Workcycles not that expensive if you compare to other smug-cycles blah blah Top 50 blog blah blah much cheaper than a Budnitz blah blah tele blah

DB said...

Thank you for the history, Commie.

Flyover BC said...

I stand corrected.

Didn't mention I had a flashback of laying down some big arcs of coaster-brake rubber in the driveway.

Now it's breakies at the four-way stops.

anyway ask dsggaul

BikeSnobNYC said...

Wildcat Crock Machine,

Is that you Old Man Budnitz?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

dancesonpedals said...

I sneezed on my handlebars & now am sporting 50 boogers on my bike

Anonymous said...

streow Oatcake

How does that prove I am NOT a robot. I know plenty of robots that are eat streow Oatcakes

Anonymous said...

AMEN. Good post, Snob.

Anonymous said...

I used to work B shift with a youngish long haired grandma. One night she told me she could do stuff with her mouth that would make me forget all about my crazy ex girlfriend. She was right.

Anonymous said...

How can it be that only comment deleted at 1:10 mentions that stupid extra saddle on the Dutch bike?

Just WTF is that!?

Is it supposed to be a kids seat?

No way would I be putting the fruit of my loins on that thing! At least not the ones I love.

And just what/where/why was it photographed in such a sickeningly bucolic setting? I bet those are the grounds of Snobby's estate. Pfft!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 5:32pm,

Yes, it's a kid's seat. Mine loves it. Much more fun for hillbombing.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

The Langsett said...

That is exactly the kind of rigourous testing regime that should be compulsory for any cycling equipment likeley to find its way into my cruel, neglectful ownership...

Katherine Fuller said...

Yo Rock Machine: the International Mountain Bicycling Association wants you to be a keynote speaker at its biennial event in Steamboat Springs, CO, in August. Yes, the old gray lady has a sense of humor after all.

Really. I mean, did you see our tweet?

We don't know how to contact you, but we do know that you're real good at the Internets. Since your blog is required reading in the communications department (there's only 3 of us), we wanted to reach out.

There will be lots of beer and some riding of bicycles and a lot of very nice people and you can sell your books and whatever. And it's in Colorado, in case you missed that. Colorado > everywhere else USA. I just spent a week in NYC (last week) and I know it to be true.

If you're interested, we're interested. Have your people contact ... me. I don't have people. Damn. I need an intern to do this kind of crap.

katherine.fuller@imba.com

Dooth said...

Go for it, Wildcat!
Colorado rocks...and weed.

JB said...

Keynote speaker? Katherine Fuller must be smoking drugs.

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

Top fifty? I could be wasting my time reading 49 other hilarious bikular adventures?
By the time I read this post, I was back from my also most pleasant post-prandial ride.

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

And Mr Snob, if you are tooling about on the comments section instead of crafting us a quiz for tomorrow, how about a bit of an 'agony uncle' blogular advice column?
My friend just broke his $$$$ crabon frame after a little ding; the only thing he hurt seems to have been his pride. One thing after another has gone wrong with it in the past year. He has three other decent frames, and enough money to buy another crabon thing if he wants. I am happy spinning around on an old steel bike I have owned since 19-something, and am finding it hard to be as sympathetic as I could be. Do you have any advice for me?

Flyover BC said...

That front seat is the gunner's position. The pilot sits in back.
There's room for a tail gunner too.

My bro and I were discussing youngish granny's last week. I reminded him what used to be cougars are now younger women, and the probably aren't all that interested in older guys, even if we are well preserved for respective ages (50 and 54).

ge said...

Hey Katherine, try clicking on his blogger profile near the top of every post. Tada! Email address. But then I'm sure your "communications" department is just feigning ignorance so you can drop a plug. Oh, right, legal weed. Never mind. Carry on.

Little Billy said...

I'd steer well clear of the fondling fathers that this blog boasts.

Little Billy said...

And no. I've never been to sea Capt'n.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 5:32, that is an auxiliary breast-feeding attachment. You were obviously not around when this particular set-up was first featured around these parts.

Anon 5:32 said...

Wishiwashy 7:08,

So, what, you drape your breasts over the child's shoulders and let them have at it?

And no, I wasn't around back then. Why don't you save me the trouble of seeking it out and provide a link? We know Snobby wouldn't ever bother.

Rain Rider said...

If the Electra Amsterdam can take the pounding that Babs gives hers then I'm sure it's a very sturdy ride. She's known to be hard on things.

Blog Drafter said...

By the time you read this I will have left work and will be home preparing for tomorrow's BIKETACULAR ride.

Nacnud said...

Yep, the granny in the pitcher sure is aging gracefully.

Me? Not so much...

Anonymous said...

I have created a prototype full suspension, full carbon, drop bar FAT bike ROAD bike, with hydraulic disc brakes, carbon rotors, carbon rims, and tubeless tires.

Why? Because some rich motherfucking Fred with more money than brains will buy it because, "it's the fucking coolest bike ever made."

Nacnud said...

And by the time you read this I will hopefully have recovered from the punishing hangover I've got.

I was celebrating qusics Birthday

Anonymous said...

iunno if other blogs are losing their luster but I keep coming back to bonedeth.tumblr.com

McFly said...

Dutch bikes always look out of place without hot blonde Dutch chics on them. Even with 3 or 4 kids hanging off them. So she like to do it. I am OK with that.

Anonymous said...

Fucking off ass money pirates if shit make the right direction for the next time I'm going back to school with her husband's cock.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 5:32, provide a link? What am I, the IT guy?

You may find the referenced photo here:

http://ugc-01.cafemomstatic.com/gen/constrain/500/500/80/2013/08/13/20/g7/or/modjsayugo1vydg.jpg

Anonymous said...

Best thing I have seen all week

Anonymous said...

Yo Wildcat you should get your wife a Dutch Oven to go with her Dutch Bike.

McFly said...

That bread seems pretty excited about the prospect of going into her mouth.

Anonymous said...

Thought provoking review Snobby.

cycle

Gentle w/the teeth said...

Balls; in your mowfffthffffff.

Anonymous said...

ride on.

Helpful Schmuck said...

WIWM, yeah, cut and paste is just too much effort. Here's the link for anon

JB said...

Which one of you was looking for a racing bike with a rack? You're welcome.

wishiwasmerckx said...

98...

wishiwasmerckx said...

..99...

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 100th!

RoadQueen said...

"Excellent New condition...This is a great bike just don't have the time to ride anymore. I am gonna have to let it go. Purchased over the winter. (MSRP $2750) Did not get out due to weather...my loss your gain. "

Wow, I didn't know that a bike costs so much to store that you have to sell it if your ass isn't on it. Don't tell my bike....it'll hurt her feelings and give her commitment/abandonment issues.

ge said...

RQ: that's why you buy a cheap bike: you won't get anything for selling it so might as well keep it. Besides, "purchased over the winter" is thief-speak for found it while xmas shopping in your neighbour's basement.