Monday, March 31, 2014

You can't spell "vernal" without the "ernal."

It must be spring!  I know this because there are warning signs.  Firstly, there are the seasonal allergies.  Secondly, there are the Spring Classics--or at least the semi-classics, like Gent-Bubblegum or whatever it's called:


(Image via here, brought to my attention via here.)

I didn't watch the race so I don't know what happened, but I'm assuming Blondie was decapitated by a front wheel with bladed spokes.

By the way, if you want to know how to tell a full-on Classic from a semi-classic, the answer is that if George Hincapie has ever won it, it's a semi-classic:



Say what you will about Hincapie, but at least he ended his career with a semi under his belt:


(Hincapie totally has a semi under his belt, and if you point out that this photo is not from his 2001 Gent-Wevelgem win then you are a gigantic nerd.)

By the way, Eddy Merckx won Gent-Wevelgem a whopping 47 times, though all of those victories have been subsequently nullified after the revelation that he wore his sunglasses under his helment straps:


(Via a reader.)

Still, it's good to see they finally got him out of that carbonite:


(Or is it crabonite?  Whatever.  If you quibble over the accuracy of a "Star Wars" reference then you are a gigantic nerd, even more so than the nerd who made it.)



(Via here.)

I guess it's called "New York Bike Style," but I'd have called it "Tramps, Ramps, and Gramps."  See, you got your tramps:


("Take us back to Portland!")

Your ramps:



And your gramps:


I only wish they'd asked me to write a forward, because I could have banged that out in six words:

"Fuck it, I'm leasing a Hyundai."
--Wildcat Rock Machine

Yeah, see, you can't just get on a bike and ride it.  First, you need an image, and second you need lots and lots of supplies, as in this "bullshit-free guide" to bike commuting, linked to by a commenter recently:


There's certainly some decent advice in here, do you really need to carry a toothbrush with you when you ride?


The only reason I can come up with is that you're getting a lot of bugs in your teeth, in which case I'd skip the toothbrush altogether and just ride in one of these:


But the most springiest springy thing of all is Cat 6 racing, and here's how it goes down.  First, someone's Cat 6-dar locks onto you in the park:


Then, when you slow down for some pedestrians, the opponent you don't know you have suddenly announces "Passing!"


"Not caring!," you don't care enough to reply.

Then, when you start up again, you pass your opponent without trying, at which point they give you a look of utter incredulity:


Finally, they put their head down and give it everything they've got to close the gap:


None of which you are aware of until much later, because you've got a camera on your seatpost.

Incidentally, on this very ride I was meeting someone in Central Park (I have a lucrative sideline selling doping agents to local club riders, don't tell the CRCA), and because it was raining I stood under this thing to wait:


As I loitered, a group of fixie riders assembled, and I suddenly realized I was bearing witness to real-life Red Hook Crit riders, in town for the "big race:"


Have you ever seen actual professional amateur fixie-bike racers in the flesh before?  I can assure you it's quite exhilarating:


So much so that I took this incredibly "meta" team photo:


(A photo of someone taking a team photo.)

Then I had each one of them autograph my chest with a Sharpie, and I promise you I'll never wash my torso again--at least until the tattoo is applied.  It'll look great with this one:



Which, come to think of it, I really should get updated:


Can you believe I didn't go to art school?

93 comments:

Anonymous said...

suck it babs

Matthew MAKAREWICZ said...

Podio

Yeah Cleveland said...

Hey!

JB said...

BEEK EEPR

Anonymous said...

I think my new slogan shall be "All you blinky haters suck my Knogs."

Anonymous said...

top five

streepo said...

scranus




was beenbro

flyover bc said...

top ten

flyover bc said...

BTW, Sagan won with a sprint.

Saw it on the tube at the LBS.

babble on said...

What?! yours isn't a liberal arts education? Really? Thanks for fly6 bike porn, snobberdood.

And eternal. It's the eternal vernal urge to step it up a little. The thing I love most about the warmer seasons is skin. Mmmmmmm... sunshine and warm breezes on bare nekid skin. :)

JB said...

On second thought, is that a beekeeper's hood or the standard issue equipment on a porn set for non-performing females?

I can't believe there isn't a giant green arrow pointing to the fixie photog's plumber's crack and/or Ocean Pacific underpants.

ken e. said...

fred danger

Anonymous said...

HILARITY GIVES LOOSER BALL CANCER LOWERS SPERM COUNT SIKE!!!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

FLY6 CAT6 action. Nice.

Gramps is no dummy. He's rocking the handlebar basket. He kinda looks like that one guy whats-his-name that doesn't own a car.

mikeweb said...

I see that team photographer is in the union.

crosspalms said...

I like the cyclist with the pink umbrella.

Vernal Magina said...

Hey now!

McFly said...

I, for one, cannot even ride across town without Hot Ass Ensconced in Zebra Panties.

That shat better be poppin' fresh.

g. said...

In the top 20? I'll take it. And, I like spring.

RoadQueen said...

Top Twenty Cat-6 sprinter

ge said...

Thanks Snob, I feel like much less of a nerd now. At least until you mentioned the toothbrush thing. I do carry one on one of my bikes. It has this goofy 2-speed, British-designed derailleur that gets clogged up with road grit every time it rains, which is pretty much all the time where I live. To be fair, it never rains in England, so how would they know? Oh wait, I am a nerd.

g. said...

In the top 20? I'll take it. And, Happy 125th to the Eiffel Tower. Does that make me a French nerd?

Anonymous said...

Nice crack!

mikeweb said...

Amazing how the Eddy tattoo even captures that acne breakout he had in August of 1972.

Blog Drafter said...

**Giggles out loud at work** (Gent-Bubblegum)

Anonymous said...

I've got a semi under my belt.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...hey, wait... i want to be a nerd too, but i know nothing about star wars or gem slemenlen... or tooth brushes.

DB said...

I see Dr. Who's TARDIS booth is in Central Park these days.

Freddy Murcks said...

Confession time: I wear my sunglasses under my helment straps. I find it to be more comfortable and it means that I can doff my helment without having to first doff my sunglasses.

I also freely admit that I am a big stoopid fred. But anyone who thinks that they look cool in their bike gear, regardless of sunglasses over or under straps, is just plain idiotic. And nothing screams "FRED" like thinking that you look good in your bike gear.


onlyiam size

Roille Figners said...

You need the toothbrush because of unsightly and foul-smelling tooth-sweat from biekeen.


Their first 2 albums were shite and they didn't really find their stride until

rokerst joined

Anonymous said...

top XXXI ?

bechuanas isename

Anonymous said...

I SAID ON YER LEFT!

Dooth said...

I'm pissed that I didn't make the cut for Sam Polcer's book. Still, he's an excellent photographer. Love Preferred Mode.

the Jimboner said...

Crat Crix Fror Lrife!

JB said...

Murcks typed: "And nothing screams FRED like" ...caring how others wear their sunglasses.

Comment deleted said...

"Not caring!" Au, snobby, Au.

McFly said...

That Cat6 Nemisis looked like a bloody Shiela if I am not mistaken. You should always let a bloody Shiela beat you.

Anonymous said...

I waited three daze for this dribble? and the photog has his underoos on inside out, too.

Anonymous said...

Is there actually anything to wearing your glasses over your helmet strap versus? I always goes under, as FM points out it is more comfortable and practical.

babble on said...

What about VAMPS? You've got tramps, ramps, gramps, but the vamps are not represented!

Izzat a BSNYC cap on yer tatt? Cause someone blacked out all the letters. Just sayin.

And OH YAY!! Thank you, anonyhater. Gotta love that you insist on putting me on the podium via proxy. I was a bit late to the game cause I was on my bike, trying to get a good few km in before the day really gets underway. Plus I didn't have any dope. Guess that makes this an AYHLMPC moment. Nice.

But there's always a silver lining. You already KNOW that I am happy to accept any and all podium kisses... any time, any place. :D

Anonymous said...

Proxy Podium kisses for Ms. Babble !!! Me first !!

vsk

Fred of the Sea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
WIZ !! JAY said...

the Hammerhead - free yourself of mind clutter like knowing that you're going where you are going....and without peeenalization.

Fred of the Sea said...

What I meant to say was, not cutting the handle off your toothbrush is even slower than wearing your glasses Merckxed. There, I said it.

Freddy Murcks said...

JB - for the record, I never said that I care how anybody wears their sunglasses. Over the straps, under the straps, half-n-half - whatever makes you feel comfortable. What i do care about and what I do find to be completely asinine is that there are some people who believe that we cyclists should adhere to some fashion code and that those who don't adhere to the fashion code are "freds." In my opinion, the real freds are the people who take themselves and cycling too seriously. Believing that cool dude cycling gear is actually fashionable seems to be part in parcel for those assholes who take themselves and cycling too seriously.

wishiwasmerckx said...

My sunglasses are prescription, and if I wear them over the helmet straps, it stretches out the arms until they are loose like a dockside hooker. Therefore, I commit a cardinal fashion sin, but I feel a slight sense of shame about it.

For the benefit of you noobs, I believe that this law was laid down in BSNYC's very first post evah in June of 2007.

Comment deleted said...

Right on, Freddy, particularly your observation about how absurd it is to think that any variation of roadie dress is "cool."

It is the opposite of cool, except in the literal sense of the word, which is what really matters.

Schisthead said...

WCRM: You are so full of it. From your drawings, it's OBVIOUS you went to school for art, and you are now trying to hide it.

Nice try.

Fred of the Sea said...

A cardinal (or at least episcopal) roadie style sin, would seem to be training in a shirt without a "team" name on it. The same seems rapidly to be becoming true for tights, long and short.

Another signal style violation is offering any sort of greeting when overtaking incrementally on an empty road. When overtaken in Fredly silence, I always offer a loud and cheerful compliment on the overtaker's appearance and athleticism.

JB said...

Murcks: I was agreeing with you. Sorry, I was not clear.

1904 Cadardi said...

I'm a glasses under the helment straps kind of guy after determining, through rigorous testing, that it works better for me. As Freddy says " I can doff my helment without having to first doff my sunglasses." Since no one else is dressing me, I get to wear whatever I want.

Also: Babs, I'm still waiting for my second place podium kisses from last week. Sure it was a minor stage in a not even semi-classic blog post, but nevertheless, I'm owed. Definitely wear the boots, please.

Flyover BC said...

I never thought I looked good in bike gear, maybe goofy, nerdy, or paranoid, but not good.

But the secretary at work likes the tights. She thinks I wear them to get dates.

Etherhuffer said...

Commuter necessities? Best ever is a pair of cheap nitrile gloves or latex gloves that you can throw away after replaceing a greasy chain.

Toothbrush? Maybe to clean the chain........

Anonyhater said...

can we all agree that the term "anonyhater" is stupid and annoying?

Anonymous said...

Was that a tattoo of a younger Eddy Merckx from like 30 years ago that aged to look like the current Eddy?

Anonymous said...

I basically never wear sunglasses -- just my usual old prescription glasses. And I have a beard. And a helment mirror.

But I do ride a most excellent custom crabon Fred Sled.

I guess I'm a rebel.

ge said...

Fred of the Sea 1:54 - thanks for the pro tip. My clown-bike's gonna cat 6 everyone's ass after I saw off that toothbrush handle. They'll never know what passed them.

CommieCanuck said...

Eddy Merckx doesn't give a fuck about sunglasses and helmet straps because Eddy Merckx.

It's like trying to tell Tony Hawk he isn't cool for some reason.

WIWM... those sunglasses are always slipping off those dockside hookers. I thought it was the repetitive head motions leading to hinge strain.

Anonymous said...

I agree about the term "anonyhater," Anonyhater.

Freddy Murcks said...

Tony Hawk's helmet, kneepads, and elbowpads are very uncool.

/Just kidding CC. I totally see your point/


campaign Hownkno

Roille Figners said...

When I am overtaken in Fredly silence, I usually say something like "What's up douche?" Sometimes I'll see the helmet turn slightly to the side as if they're thinking "Did I just hear what I think I heard?"

No one has ever interrupted their "important" "training" to correct me however.

BamaPhred said...

No Snob in NYC Bike Style? I thought he would be a lock what with the snappy Zorro look and dog gnawed man tights. A travesty.

I'll give the posting a rest for a few days, I will miss you all. Like the Snob says, I've got some of that none of your business to attend too, but Lard willing I will return.

They didn't tell me I couldn't ride my bike today, so I think I will do that.

Anonymous said...

I hate aluminum track bikes! The ones in that crit photo are pieces of crap.
I'm an aluminumhater.

Bruce Golla said...

awesome cat6 race report

Blog Drafter said...

Ghent Bubblegum's finish was marred by neo-pro Clint Sedopack sitting up to rearrange his glasses after being called out by numerous riders, "hey, kiddo, glasses OVER the strap". Lost control and took out 50 riders with 2K to go. Tragically, several riders are lost for the upcoming Tour of Flubbers.

Fred of the Sea said...

I wish I had the stuff to back up "douche" if it came to th'owin' down. I have had the experience of trying to escape an enraged human while wearing bicycle slippers and plan to avoid it in future.

That Eddy tat is going to look like the Penfield homunculus if that guy does many more bench presses.

Anonymous said...

Where would the Internet be without anonytators?

CommentorBot9000 said...

"Where would the Internet be without anonytators?"

A better place than it is now. Maybe a place so good we are not worthy to be there with it.

Euro Spondee said...

DB said...
I see Dr. Who's TARDIS booth is in Central Park these days.

It is part of the wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey crit series peloton. Very hard to figure out the winner in these time traveling series.

Anonymous said...

Thinking back to my first real helment, a Bell V1 Pro, you would need those super wide novelty clown glasses in order to reach OVER the straps.

That's probably what got me started down the under road.

babble on said...

vsk - many thanks, and backatcha!
1904 Cadardi - of course! Sorry it's late, but you know how tardy I can be: XXX I am always happy to give out kisses.

Anonyhater. Yes, it's SO stupid and annoying. Please stop.

Comment deleted said...

Hey, Bama. Whatever none-of-my-business it is, good luck with it.

dancesonpedals said...

I was passing another fred, when we made eye contact & I asked, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"....when he stared in disbelief, I returned with, "I said terribly nasty weather"

drengerv manuscrits

Anonylover said...

Podium kisses... Snobbersnookums, you were so funny today.
Sex for everyone!

Fred of the Sea said...

dances, I so freakin' hope you really did that.

DB said...

COD to Blog Drafter, 4:20.
Hope all is well, Bama.

Anonymous said...

CX rules! Well, when ridden by this guy:

http://dirtmountainbike.com/news/akrigg-goes-cyclocross-crazy.html

1904 Cadardi said...

Thanks Babble. Sorry 'bout the tongue slip.


DoP - That's beautiful. I hope you don't mind, but I am going to use it.

ktm882 said...

Hahaha, you're one funny azz sombitch. Did you every meet up with Bill D. of the Yonkers Bicycle Club? He made a big deal of you wanting ti ride with the members, so, WELCOME to you.

dancesonpedals said...

Never said it on a bike..heard it from a friend years ago...I just googled it and it's made it online


you can also ask a young lady if she would like a beer and play on the "and how's your bush/anheuser busch" dichotomy, but if she says, "a little sweaty" you're on your own.

Anonymous said...

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sgv/bik/4384007359.html

Faggin Campione Del Mondo - $400 (Arcadia)

Fredlist eyewear are auto darkening prescription glasses with mirror.

Big Rig said...

Anonyhaters give me a semi in my shorts.

Fred of the Sea said...

Ah, well.

Young ladies, like fast Freds, are out of my league, except in my paternal capacity, but a little healthy sudor never bothered me.

dancesonpedals said...

had to look up sudor...all these years on the bike i've been swimming in it

time uarydew

Biking the Live Fantastic said...

I got your semi haha.

McFly said...

Anybody watch Frank Schmuck try to buy the Criterium Internationale on Stage 3? (Notice I added the "e" cuz I'm sophostimicated)

Grump said...

Snobby, the reason that you should always carry a toothbrush while riding in NYC, is that if you get pulled over by New York's finest, and get thrown into the hoosegow, you can always turn it into a shank, to protect your "posterity".
.

Anonymous said...

Dude, that tattoo of David Byrne looks weird!

Anonymous said...

Kisses on the anus for podium finishers tomorrow

Anonymous said...

Dirty French Anal Kisses

ce said...

Mcfly, I've always gotten the impression that you are sopissedyerincapacitated. Case in point, your comment at 1:18 reveals that you are bilingual, which is particularly impressive given that Strine is such a difficult second language to master.

ce said...

Anonymates? Nah, sounds like the name of a website to hook up with random people for sexytimes while wearing Guy Fawkes masks.

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