The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Commuting by Bicycle on Wednesday

Firstly, Happy Ass Wednesday!

Secondly, yesterday I mentioned the Knog contest:

Subsequently, I realized it's totally rigged.  See, the idea is you're supposed to submit a picture of your favorite place to ride, and surely they know that in this part of the world we're having the worst winter in decades, which means that more likely than not your favorite place to ride is currently colder than a witch's vulvanus and totally inaccessible beneath fourteen feet of snow.  So clearly it's biased towards Antipodeans and other people in warm climes who understand the metrical system.

Thirdly, a Tweeterer informs me that New York City is a pretty dangerous place to ride a bike:

@bikesnobnyc RT @mmoyr: Deaths/10000cyclists/year ​Copenh 0.3 Amsdam 0.4 Van'ver 0.9 Toronto 1.3 Ptlnd 1.9 Mntréal 2 Paris 8 Lndon 11 NYC 38
— Brian Weber (@weberupp) March 5, 2014

In other words, we win!  Still got it, baby!  Brooklyn may have gone all soft and artisanal, and gentrification may have robbed us of our character, but at least we're still number one when it comes to getting run over.

Speaking of getting run over, I'm still testing the Fly6 integrated tail light and camera, which is painstakingly designed to capture on video the moment of your death by rear-end collision so the police can ignore it and your demise can become a YouTube sensation.

However, I seem to have hit a bit of a snag.

See, when you plug the Fly6 into your computer, you get a bunch of files.  Those are the videos of your ride, which it breaks up into segments.  This time, though, despite the fact I underwent a baronial commuting "epic" of many miles, when I went to view the footage afterwards only the most recent video segment was there.  I'm not sure if this is because there's a problem with the Fly6, or if it's because I fucked something up when I deleted a bunch of old videos.  Once I've figured it out I'll let you know, but in the meantime I've lost some incredibly valuable bike lane-blocking footage:

(On one hand, they're blocking a bike lane.  On the other hand, they're installing cable, putting in a new plate glass window, and delivering refreshing Arizona iced tea, so at least shit is getting done.)

As well as my daring professional sporting stadium fly-by:

Where they're doing lots of crucial off-season maintenance:

(Rest assured that this hook-like thing will be good as new for you baseball fans this spring.)

I also forded a mighty river, though I did pause to enjoy the signage:

Fortunately no gong sounded, but if it had I would totally have left a draw:

(My draw that I made.)

This reminds me that someone actually won this drawing but I haven't sent it yet, and I plan to remedy that immediately, if not later.

Alas, like walking into an action movie 45 minutes in, my video begins just as I find myself locked in a baronial "Cat 6" struggle:

Actually, he only looks like he's going fast because he's in the drops, and seconds later he was passed by this guy:

Nobody was going to pass me though.  Launching a blistering attack, I dropped them and then began picking off food delivery guys slowly scanning buildings for addresses with handlebars dangling with deliciousness:

Finally, with one more match to burn, I unleashed a second attack, leaving them all stuck behind a left-turning Decor Corporate Services truck:

By the time the truck finished pushing its way through the crosswalk, no doubt endangering lives so that it could deliver leathery swivel chairs to office buildings, I had nearly a block on them and my victory was all but assured:

By the way, you know who's worse than Cat 6 blogger douchebags "puttin' on the Ritz" on 5th Avenue in stratospherically expensive Inspector Gadget jackets?  Stupid asshole luxury SUV car service drivers who do this:

Basically, they bully their way into the intersection as the light changes, forcing pedestrians with the right of way to walk through a "people funnel" so some douchebag can get to his office, where he will spin around in his leathery swivel chair while toggling between spreadsheets and porn:

Oddly though, your average schmuck is much more bothered by bike salmon:

I too find salmon irritating, but every so often you come across one who inexplicably gives off a good vibe, and this was one of them.  He greeted me in a friendly manner as we passed, and then the Fly6 revealed that he casually tossed some refuse into a proper trash receptacle:

I bet it went in, too:

Go in peace, Salmon, you are one of the good ones.

Yes, the truth is that there is a time and a place for bicycular lawbreaking, and like porn or the right pair of drugstore sunglasses, you just know it when you see it.  Consider Midtown Manhattan, where you must compete with an onslaught of yellow cabs and express buses:

If I can slip through a red light under these circumstances you're goddamn right I'm going to do it:

This affords me a few moments of breathing room, during which I can check the time, change lanes at will, and adjust my "downstairs parts" if necessary.

Hey, we all need to take advantage of those fleeting moments when the streets belong to us.  A blogger adjusts his "downstairs parts," a pigeon swoops down and grabs a half a bagel, and a pedestrian crosses unmolested by furniture trucks and SUVs:

Though when he gets to the other side he's tackled and arrested for jaywalking by the NYPD.

Anyway, once I got to my destination I locked my bike and once again did the old "sinus upskirt:"

I'd have put more locks on it, but I only had three:

Hopefully it's enough.