Wednesday, March 26, 2014

It's Only Wednesday If You Let It.

I've been living in a fantasy world.  I'm a dupe, a mark, a sucker, a rube.  Yesterday I mentioned that I chained my saddle to my bike to keep people from stealing it, but a savvy commenter informs me that I've fallen victim to the most insidious form of "hipster bullshit:"

Anonymous said...

Only hipsters believe in those bike chain seat leashes. A 2$ flathead screwdriver and one good torque = bye bye saddle&post and silly illusions. Ppl and their bullshit they believe

March 26, 2014 at 2:13 AM

I think my favorite thing about the Internet is that something as simple as putting a chain on your saddle can work people up into Ignatius P. Reilly levels of indignation and disgust.  Hey, we all know there's no defense against an expertly-wielded screwdriver.  In the right hands, a screwdriver is all it takes to steal a luxury automobile, hijack a commercial airliner, or become a prison kingpin.  Still, which is the sillier illusion?  That the chain is going to keep someone from stealing my saddle, or that someone would even want the filthy thing enough to bother?  Here it is in all its worn, ass sweat-stained glory:


(This is what backpacks do to saddle noses, and what a hot crotch does to leather and foam.)

Perhaps I take too favorable a view of humanity, but I'm fairly confident that, between the sorry condition of this lump and the added inconvenience of having to pry open a chain to get it, 99.9% of the population is going to pass this by--though I admit that, together with the brand-name seatpost, it could present a temptation too difficult to resist:


("Wait, is that a Nashbar seatpost?  Fetch me the angle grinder!")

Actually, you don't even need to undo the chain to get the seatpost.  Technically.  But yeah, I think it's enough to keep people honest, and if someone really wants this crappy frumunda perch that badly they can go ahead and take it.  I've got boxes of this shit at home.  (Though I'd be annoyed if they took the seatpost clamp too.  That's crossing the line.)

As for the bit about "hipsters," if this is some sort of new hipster affectation that's news to me.  I've never seen a "hipster" use the chain trick, and in fact I don't think there are even any hipsters left in New York.  They all seem to have either graduated to full-fledged yuppies, or else they've been priced out by their peers and forced to move to other, less competitive cities.  Meanwhile, I don't even know if they've come up with a name for the latest wave of young white transplant aspirants yet.  They're definitely not the hipsters of ten years ago.  I think they're "normcore" or something.  Who even knows at this point?  At any rate, I can assure you none of them are chaining their saddles to their bikes.  In fact, I'm pretty sure the normcore set is into Halfbikes now:


(Idiot.)

Speaking of the Halfbike, a commenter on the post in which I mentioned it shared the following:


I actually forwarded that to the "inventors" of the Halfbike, and I have yet to receive a reply.

Speaking of emails, here's one I got just a few minutes ago:

Hello,

We are interested in advertising on your websites. We just launched a 
new product called
No Bush Lotion. You can see it at 
http://www.kingsupplements.com/nobush.html.
The product helps reduce the appearance of body hair and is marketed
towards athletes of all kind. If you would like to make more money with 
your blog please contact me and we can work out a deal.

Intrigued, I followed the link, and thus entered the strange world of pubic hair minimizer cream for men:



I'll have you know that I have received no remuneration from No Bush.  In fact, I haven't even replied to the email.  Hey, I'm the kind of sucker who chains his saddle to his bike, right?  Similarly, if it involves both cycling and pubes, you can be fairly sure I'm going to mention it for free.

By the way, No Bush Lotion was not tested on bunny rabbits, nor did any of the bunny rabbits it wasn't tested on develop any malignant tumors.  (At least, I'm assuming that's the case, since it doesn't say otherwise on the No Bush website.)  So you can stop with your spurious accusations.


(What a bunny rabbit would look like if it was treated with No Bush, which it wasn't, at least as far as I know.)

As for what's actually in No Bush, I have no idea, but it would be pretty hilarious if it triggered positive results in doping tests:


("It was either tainted meat or my bush-zorching cream, take your pick.")

Speaking of hairless pubic mounds, meet the Aeroclam!


 My favorite is the part where the disembodied hands are gently working the clam:


Though I also liked the part where the same disembodied hands fumble with the droopy, frayed saddlebag:


Wow.  That's a lot of crotch-fondling innuendo, even for a video made by New Zealanders.

Anyway, as a wise man once said, you can have a droopy, frayed bag, or you can have a smooth clam, but you can't have both.

And either way, be careful running your chain through it.

132 comments:

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Present and accounted for.

mikeweb said...

Pedendium?

Anonymous said...

Podio!

DB said...

Under Mikeweb?

mikeweb said...

Pipped at the line by the superior aerodynamics of the recumbent.

Nice CoD reference. My pyloric valve is pleased.

Bryan Bracy said...

Toptenish

Clarko said...

...and across the line!
(top ten)

le Correcteur said...

Oh yeah, top ten; the drugs are working.

662245468 684

Anonymous said...

Who you calling a Chain Tool fool?

Comment deleted said...

"No, no! I'm not doping! It was tainted meat!"

"I mean, my taint is neat!"

DB said...

Early Comment of the Day today.
Way to go Comment Deleted, and that's no bush.

le Correcteur said...

"Wow. That's a lot of crotch-fondling innuendo, even for a video made by New Zealanders.

Anyway, as a wise man once said, you can have a droopy, frayed bag, or you can have a smooth clam, but you can't have both.

And either way, be careful running your chain through it."

This post ended with a bang, snob! But what about hermaphrodites?

McFly said...

If disembodied hands fumble with my droopy it will not stay droopy.

It's nce to know the Wiggles are staying busy.

Chainring said...

In your d-fense Snob, if your seat is chained and the guy next to you has failed to chain his seat, I would suspect even the most deft of screwdriver wielding saddle and post thieves would take the lower hanging fruit.

ken e. said...

disheartened with my rabbit.

Anonymous said...

Represented.

vsk

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That's so nice you volunteer at the rabbit rescue bikesnob. Kudos to you sir.

CommieCanuck said...

I'd buy "NoBush" if it could kill Jeb.

Any bike lock can be cut with a class four ion neodynium cutting laser, stupid hipsters know nothing about class four ion neodynium cutting lasers.

I install these on the heads of frickin' sharks.

CommieCanuck said...

I say we let No Bush and Cabokie fight it out to the death.
I say Cabokie will win because all that extra hair will instill great confidence and an air of potency.

RoadQueen said...

Smooth clam? This is a new thing? I thought....I mean I've always...

Never mind.

Blog Drafter said...

This post has an air of "you're fired!" to it. No way I'm clicking on that video at work.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

$99.95 for a skatebike. What a deal!
$899 for a half bike. What a rip-off!

McFly said...

Reason Percentage of Why I Scalp my Junk Package:

2%= Cyclean Hygiene

98%= Porn Quality BJ's

Michael Summers said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

The more evolved hipsters are running a bb glued into their seat binder bolt. Have you considered that wcrm?

JLRB said...

That is one nasty azz shelf, Snob.

Why do you say back packs where down the nose?

BikeSnobNYC said...

JLRB,

When you stop at a light (which I do from time to time) your backpack rubs against the nose of the saddle--unless you bust a sweet trackstand of course.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Bama Phred said...

I dunno, kinda creeped out by today's post. Screwdriver debates , and not even on the relative merits of Torx vs Star, bush-zorching unguents, hairless bunnies, smooth vs pendulous low hangin clams. But I really liked zorching. Kudos! Maybe tomorrow we will get Fly6 porn.

Harry Clam I Am said...

Smooth clam, smooth junk, all because Al Gore invented the internet.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

Wait a minute.

No Bush Lotion is a depilatory?

My dog told me it was a styling mousse.

Good thing I read today's post.

Get'em While They're Hot said...

"Any bike lock can be cut with a class four ion neodynium cutting laser"

They're on sale at Duane Reade right now, unless Al Qaeda has already cleaned out the inventory.

Alberto Clenbuterol said...

WOW! Steep climb to the top of the podium already today. I better get down to GNC for some dru..., err, I mean, supplements to prepare for tomorrows mountain stage.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That's a good idea to use an eggplant for a saddle. But how do you keep it from getting mushy?

David said...

Pretty good Bike Snob NYC post. I give it a 6.

DB said...

Thanks JLRB for asking the backpack-rubbage question. You beat me to it.
I wonder what Michael Summers was going to ask?

Bryan said...

So, does that make the Kiwi in charge a kind of pimp? He is selling some nice, smooth clams. Do they come in pink, or at least are they pink inside?

Anonymous said...

I always thought of it as a delicacy. you know, with wine & crackers and such. huh ...

JLRB said...

Just re-read my post - Bad Idea or even an Old Testament Bad Idea although Some Rear View Mirrors are enjoysble and this is one strong rear

(anyhow, my point was I can't believe I used where for wear..whatever)

And no sweet trackstands for me, but my back pack has one of those wraparound belt things that may keep it too snug to my back to rub, or some other sack is causing yur nose rubbing

grog said...

CLAM BABE

Comment deleted said...

So the "nose" of the saddle is in the back? I'm confused...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Jam out with your clam out!

wishiwasmerckx said...

What about the hermaphrodites?

There once was a man from Racine
who invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex,
it would fit either sex,
with adaptions for those in between.

RoadQueen said...

Bryan: Haven't you heard? ALL clams are pink in the middle.

That's what I've been told, anyway.

Still stuttering over that nasty-ass bike bench Snob has on his bike.

Snob: Get a new seat, fer chrissakes. A Walmart special would do. Just something that doesn't look like THAT. *harf*

RoadQueen said...

CD: I think what he's trying to say is, when he comes to a stop at a light, he stands in front of the saddle while he waits. That's then the base of the back pack rubs the nose of the saddle - while he's straddling the bike in front of it.

Unless, of course, he's doing a righteous track stand.

Anonymous said...

RQ, you like recumbents, ergo your advice is worthless.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Forget the $2.00 screwdriver. All I need is my chain break tool, and that whole sweet setup is mine. I will then sell it on ebay to one of snob's fanboys for a nickel 98.

RoadQueen said...

Anon @ 2:22

You got one thing right - I DO like recumbents!!! :D

Anonymous said...

dude, you need a new saddle. the bacteria trapped in that thing can't be good for you.

JB said...

"Who even knows at this point?"

Comment deleted said...

Thanks for the patient explanation, RQ. I didn't get it because I never get off the saddle at stops.

I have a steel scranus, y'see.

Anonymous said...

My woman said the next time we are kid-free for a spell I can make her clam sleek then eat some sea food then give her clam a pearl bracelet.

If you know what I mean.

Anonymous said...

One less bike thief, Midtown, March 22, 2014

Anonymous said...

@CC
"Any bike lock can be cut with a class four ion neodynium cutting laser, stupid hipsters know nothing about class four ion neodynium cutting lasers.

I install these on the heads of frickin' sharks."

You, sir, have the coolest job EVER!

babble on said...

Bush or no bush, peace pussy here is always happy as a clam when she gets a good ride in.

Just sayin...

McFly said...

I have never seen a manatee's dick with an STD but I bet it looks a lot like your saddle.

Regular guy said...

Thank the Lob on high that "Normcore" just means I might look hip without even trying, though I'm too old.

I thought it might have something to do with these guys

Roille Figners said...

NORM CORE

Roille Figners said...

Here all this time I was normcore and didn't even realize it!

They're on the right track not trying to be special unique snowflakes; now they just need to complete the circle by S'ing TFU.

Like seriously I can't even walk down the street in normal boring clothes without some asshole putting me in a context?

JB said...

CD: if you can stay on your saddle at stops, doesn't that mean your saddle is too low?

DB said...

I thought it was Obama Core.

Regular guy said...

Does it appear as if that New Zealander in the last photo has a nasal strip tan line?

Change the y with a u and cyckit becomes......

Fre Unchio said...

I think CD might roll with these guys

A Stiff One, or Error said...

A dick with a stiff neck is not sure if it humor is intended

crosspalms said...

Two things I saw at lunch:

--A guy rode past me with his spokes and rims all shiny and I realized my bike hasn't been clean since last fall.

--The city (Chicago) is getting the bridges over the river in shape for spring, which means blocking each one off for an hour or two to test them. Drivers forced to detour instantly forget how to drive and instead ooze forward bumper to bumper, ignoring signals, signs and crosswalks. Luckily it's too slow to be mayhem, but Jesus, it's like Critical Mass on four wheels.

Kenny Banya said...

"You don't know what it is..."

http://youtu.be/M6de9YFLPgw

Dooth said...

The aeroclam also functions as a lubricant... depending on the size of the seatpost.

Comment deleted said...

Hain't y'all ever heard of "en pointe"? I've set my seat height based on the heels-on-pedals-pedal-backwards-just-barely-keeping-contact method, and I can hold the bike up at a stop just fine with tippy-toes.

I'm just too lazy to climb off and jump back up at every stop.

Comment deleted said...

(Perhaps having size 14 feet has something to do with it).

Geebusiness said...

Dr. Nut would be proud!

Middle Aged German Tourist said...

Trackstand = woohoo speed in slow biking

http://www.slowbiking.org/

Anonymous said...

Bernie Goetze knows screwdrivers ain't just for screwin' no more

Anonymous said...

CD,

You need a higher bottom bracket.

Anonymous said...

While I may be an advocate of live-and-let-live, Babble: your tired serial innuendo could not make you any less sexy.

It's as old and unattractive as Snob's saddle.

Anonymous said...

*sexual innuendo

Stupid Tipper Gore auto-correct

Comment deleted said...

Anon @ 4:23, why? Presumably to use longer cranks?

Maybe, but this setup has worked pretty well for a mere 20K miles or so...

Anonymous said...

Pay no mind Babs. Keep it cuming even though the detractors cum at you with hard criticism. Know that many a perv enjoys your implied sluttiness even though you're not a slut. Just a woman that likes to fuck and suck and pedal. With small tits. Hey thats ok.

JLRB said...

Ayawnomous @4:24

when you see a flower that is unattractive to you do you stop to tell it?

DB said...

Well, That was an interesting commentary.
Hoping for more Fly6 soon, Wildcat.

rural 14 said...

Rural 1st
Still well below freezing!

crosspalms said...

Speaking of cereal innuendo, does that stuff work on Grape Nuts? I'm asking for a friend.

I remember captcha when it was only this big. My, hwissu grown!

Anonymous said...

18 bicycle short films:

http://www.veloberlinfilmaward.com/

Anonymous said...

only thing more boring than talking about the weather is someone telling you about their, "crazy dream last night".....

so..how bout that fucking wind today?..jesus fuck almighty enough already God...you win...you are omnipotent....

are any of you poster douchelix actually new yorkers?, or has this become the flyover blog...

Anonymous said...

whats worse Lexington or 9th ave?

ge said...

Snob, the anon poster has it ass-backwards. The only stupid thing you did was waste your time chaining that sorry excuse for a saddle to your bike. Unless someone's dumb enough to want to steal it - then your biggest problem is you pay big $$$ to live in an overpriced city in which that can happen. Seriously, even if someone stole my saddle, I would ride home half-bike style before I even considered touching that abomination.

Anonymous said...

Cyckit! How do you make a successful small business in New Zealand?

SmartArse Industries said...

It's nice that you have a saddle themed blog, Snobby.

I have a genius idea for an elegant foolproof saddle/post security system that would make me rich beyond the dreams of avarice if I could be arsed to put it on kickstarter.

Instead, in an extraordinarily humanitarian act, I set it loose in the public domain through this blog.

First, you get yourself a length of that thin security cable they use to lock computers.

Then you thread it around the rails or preferably something hidden on the underside of the saddle and clamp it with one of those fancy clamp things they use to clamp two bits of wire together. Ideally, when fitted, the cable would be unaccessable to cutting devices.

The other end of the cable is snaked down through the post and at the appropriate length, another of those fancy clamps is used to form a smallish loop at the cable's end.

Next, you feed the looped, dangling end of the cable into the bicycle frame's seat tube and (here's the best bit) you get yourself an extra long bottle cage bolt that reaches all the way across to the other side of the seat tube.

You then fix this extra long bolt in the normal way, but ensuring the bolt goes through the aforementioned dangling cable loop inside the seat tube thus securing your saddle and post in one fell swoop.

A putative saddle and/or post thief could still unbolt the seat and/or post, but when they tried to make off with the booty, the booty would, for seemingly inexplicable reasons, not detach. This would result in delightfully comical scenes at the expense of the thief who would quickly depart, leaving your saddle and/or post behind to spare themselves further embarrassment.

If at any point you need to do any drilling, cutting, welding, modifying etc to any part of your bike, go ahead and do it. It'll be fine.

You're welcome.

Anonymous said...

Well first you start with a successful large business..��

BikeSnobNYC said...

SmartArse,

Years back you could buy a "system" almost exactly like what you described. I am too lazy to search for its name or what happened to it, but it did--and perhaps still does--exist.

In the meantime I'm fine with simpler methods, like the chain, or stuffing the seat tube full of killer bees.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Hence Nuxhaun said...

Who knew there were guys who are upset they were circumcised? Never thought about it myself.

Anonymous said...

Once you loosen the seat collar bolt, how much longer would it take to simply back out the extra long bottle cage bolt?

Dooth said...

Wildcat, I second you're response to SmartArse industries. I had said system back in the nineties. I bought the bike used and it came with said system. And just because I like the way it sounds, I bid all adieu with...said system!

Anonymous said...

I posted a link to a bicycle short films festival.

Well, one of the films is a... Budnitz thing. And it´s so fucking smug the credits are written in french, although the film has nothing, absolutly nothing to do with France or anything french.

SmartArse Industries said...

Snobby 6:00PM and Dooth,

Years back, I remember hearing a story about some explorer type exploring regions of Africa that had never come into contact with the western, industrialised world.

One night around the campfire, a young member of the tribe produced a "toy" he had made. It was a lidded tin can attached to a string and with holes punched into its side at the top end. This lad had used nails to make the holes at just the right angle.

An amount of water would be placed in the can, the lid put back on and the whole thing held over the fire. The water would boil and steam would spit out of the angled holes causing the entire can to spectacularly spin.

This kid thought he'd made a toy, but without any knowledge of the outside world, what he'd actually done was invent the steam engine!

Like this African genius, I have no knowledge of technologies which may have preceded my brainstorm, so I'll be disregarding the dispiriting news in your posts and claim the idea as my own.

Killer bees idea trumps them all, though.


Anon 6:14,

Ah, let me tell you about my lockable bottle cage bolt idea...

Anonymous said...

Serial innuendo. Arf arf!! Call it like you see it.

Evil Genius said...

Time for the 'BSNYC World's Most Ugly Saddle Contest'. I've seen some pretty horrific specimens in my time though Wildcat has a pretty butt ugly one, or is that one pretty ugly butt. Anyway, if that's the case then they're a perfect match. My work here is done.

Silence Dogood said...

A bike leash, like the lock on your front door, keeps honest people from taking your bike. I stay away from gang infested neighborhoods, and have used the bike leash for years with no problem.

Anonymous said...

http://bikecult.com/works/saddles/khomeniTH.jpg

Anonymous said...

The whole store was pretty much cleaned out! 32 bikes taken. Total bs!
http://t.e2ma.net/message/ru6fh/3zieod

Roille Figners said...

I deem the bike chain sufficient unto the theft-risk of the manatee-dick saddle.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Norway has a bike lift because it's too much trouble to pedal up the hill.
http://gizmodo.com/this-super-clever-lift-assists-cyclists-up-steep-city-h-1552142855
(sorry about the long link but I use my not so intelligent mobile communication device to view Snobs natterings)

Anonymous said...

Ignatius *J* Reilly

Anonymous said...

What ever came of the lampre theft or selle italia job?

http://italiancyclingjournal.blogspot.com/2013/12/1-million-euro-theft-at-selle-san-marco.html

Anonymous said...

Kudos to Mikeweb for catching it first, but that Ignatius-check was nothing short of sublime. Close second in my personal Snobatorium to the row of ducklings on a pond, in the mock commentary on one of those years Big George failed to show up on the sharp end of P-R...


Cha-friggin-peaux,gents...

Anonymous said...

"CD: if you can stay on your saddle at stops, doesn't that mean your saddle is too low?"
------------------------------------

No, the opposite is usually true. Like CD, I can put my toes down while on the saddle, too. I set my height using the old Italian CONI book (which advocates heel-on pedal). That book is a one-stop shop for curing awkward road bike fit.

Sagheer said...

Online Jobs of Data Entry, Copy Pasting, Add Posting, Clicking, Web Surfing, Website Visiting, Article Sharing, Data Sharing, Google Business Plans, Investment Plans, Genuine earnings from home.
www.jobzcorner.com

Damian said...

Dear Bikesnob,
a suggestion for securing saddle and seatpost (seat clamp needs to be fixed with an Allen screw): get a soldering iron and put a drop of tin in each screw of saddle and seatpost. It's obviously unpractical for readjusting or changing the saddle but how often does one do that anyways?
Regards,
Damian

McFly said...

2 steadfast rules in life I have learned the hardest of ways:

1-- If you do not know a person do not touch that person.

2-- If your beike is making a clickingticking from the crankish area ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS check the pedals first and foremost even though you did it before and it NEVER WAS before disassembling and re-whatevering the bottom bracket. Twice.

QM Graves said...

After a 102 km journey yesterday to Montreal, Clara’s Big Ride will spend a second day in the city https://livingalpha.com/journal/welcome-to-quebec-the-grand-montreal-visit-has-finally-arrived

JLRB said...

What a coincidence. After a 19 km journey to work I am sitting on my ass waiting for my toes to warm up.

Anonymous said...

A coincidence would be Frilly or Babble or RQ holding onto their toes waiting for their ass to warm up.

Anonymous said...

Was Alberto Contador in West Side Story?

JLRB said...

Unzipping

babble on said...

All jobs are not created equal. Some jobs are more equal than others...

JB said...

ge: me thinks that Snobby isn't too worried about the saddle (except for the awkward ride home after it's taken), but the seatpost may be what he's securing.

babble on said...

Right?
What I wonder is why he hasn't replaced that unfortunate specimen with something from the parts bin.

Backpacks. I don't miss them. Last summer I got into the habit of leaning on the post beside me when I got to the intersection so I didn't have to unclip from the pedals. Now I do it on the Electra, too.

I am lazy by nature.

JLRB said...

JB - Even with the chain, couldn't a thief detach the seat, then remove the post, take the post and leave the saddle chained to the frame?

Maybe that saddle has sentimental value - it takes a long time to create that much patina. Although I bet there is a shop in Portland that will make one look like that for a fee.

Roille Figners said...

Thursday pre-podio!

0th place!!!

JB said...

JLRB: but the thief is looking for easy seats/posts to steal. The idea is: once he sees the attached chain, he moves on.

JB said...

0.5th place

Comment deleted said...

We lost one yesterday:

cyclist killed in hit and run

I ride that road all the time. Clean getaway by the probable SUV.

Anonymous said...

Sukit

Comment deleted said...

More on yesterday's SUVicide.

babble on said...

That's awful, CD, and it looks like such a sweet commute. Can you believe the reward for a tip is a measly $1000?!

Comment deleted said...

It is indeed a sweet ride, and local drivers are usually pretty good about giving bikes a wide berth. How much you want to bet a "smart" phone was involved in this one?

Bama Phred said...

Yes and all the CHP has to do is do a tower dump and see who was in that area. Doesn't seem to be all that congested, but I'm thousands of miles away. I'm willing to bet a short list can be made.

Comment deleted said...

I was thinking that, too, Bama. It's a very *sparsely* traveled road.

I also wonder how they narrowed it down to a *foreign* SUV -- if they found a badge, they should be sharing that info.

Comment deleted said...

Fucking goddamn cowardly shit-heel driver. If he/she stopped and helped, the guy might have had a chance.

COWARD -- may you die of something slow and painful.

Anonymous said...

lovely "custom" painted bike bag:
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/bik/4393923565.html

Bama Phred said...

You got the approximate time of accident, you got the location, now all you have to do is see who was in that area at that time. Plus CHP can match those owners up with car registration and insurance data, if any. They are probably already on it.

trama said...

GODAMN. Guy had a chance. Terrible.

Roille Figners said...

Texting or drunk, I'm wagering. Meanwhile my town is combating the dangers on the roadways by...

...banning the use of earphones by cyclists.

****TOOT****

(that's the steam shooting out of my head)