Friday, March 14, 2014

BSNYC No Friday Fun Quiz Instead Friday Trip Through Time!

You may have seen this article that's been making the rounds, about how we've been brainwashed over the past century or so to accept the massive death tolls inflicted upon us by motor vehicles:

It's a depressing read, yet a fascinating one, and the stuff about how the auto industry basically invented the concept of "jaywalking" to steal the streets from us is especially eye-opening:

Not to mention incredibly effective, since here we are in 2014 "Vision Zero" New York City and it's still your fault if you get run over by a car:

This, by the way, is a warning cheekily disguised as a summons, and the NYPD should really avoid any attempt at "humor," especially when death is involved, and especially especially when they can't wright too good:

So now we can add "hearby" to the official NYPD style manual, right alongside "helment:"

And using "pedestrian" as the plural of "pedestrian:"

Really, I think the only solution at this point is to take back the act of "jaywalking" from the Automotive Industrial Complex.  We are, after all, Homo sapiens sapiens (the primate so nice they had to name us twice), a proud beast distinguished by--among other things--our ability to walk upright on two legs.

Hey, walking upright is a big deal.  We don't do it just to look cute, either, like meerkats or dogs begging for scraps.  No, walking upright is who we are, and we should be able to do it wherever the hell we damn well please--and that goes beyond the streets, too.  You know when you're walking and you see some tourists setting up for a picture?  Do wait for them to finish so you don't spoil the photo-op?  I don't!  No, I walk right through and "photobomb" that shit, because these boots were made for walking (and for riding, since they're SPD compatible).  Oh, and what's that, cyclocross race marshall?  You want me to use the course crossing?  Portage this, Fancy Shants!  I'll stroll right through that course tape like a racewalker crossing the finish line:

("Hey!  I'm walkin' here!")

And as for PAs on film sets who ask me to wait while they finish shooting their scene, I have a simple response for them, and it's as follows:

"Oh, actually I'm in this scene.  I'd show you my SAG card but I need two hands to carry this Grande Venti Trenta Pork Frappuccino.  If you want to see it though go feel free to rummage around, I keep it in my pants flush up against my unwashed scranus.  Wow is it ever hot today!"

Sorry to be so graphic, but I like to really drive the message home for these people.

Anyway, as far as how to take back our evolutionarily-given right to walk o'er hill and dale, the first thing we need to do is find a new word for "jaywalking."  It should be something proud and important-sounding, like "priority traversing:"

Though then you run the risk of the whole movement being taken over by "vehicular pedestrians:"

(Vehicular pedestrian "taking the lane.")

I also think we should produce a series of PSAs highlighting just how important our right to erect bipedalism is.  Think about it: over the course of our evolution we actually gave up the ability to easily fellate/perform cunnilingus on ourselves (though some of us do retain the vestigial ability), so walking upright must have been really fucking important to our survival.  Those are some serious stakes!  So I'm thinking a bunch of ads like this might do the trick:

If you do have the gift of auto-fellatio though, at least wait until you get to the other side of the street to engage in it.  Otherwise you're liable to run over like the pigeon who can't lift the bagel he's found.

Really though, when you consider the consequences of what the Auto-Industrial Complex has done to us it's kind of disturbing.  Consider a city block:

There are like 70,000 people per square mile in Manhattan, so how many people live on a block like this?  Thousands?  I don't know, but it's a lot--more than live in your whole shitty town.  Now consider the fact that all of these people are only legally allowed to leave their block at four (4) designated access points:

BUT only if the little light says they can:

Kind of absurd, isn't it?  It almost seems like martial law.

Of course, bear in mind I'm as guilty as anybody, since unlike David Byrne I own a car--dents, roof rack, AM/FM stereo with CD player and all:

("You're right, I don't own a car.  But if it did it would have a Dolby tape deck with a broken auto-reverse and a Duran Duran "cassingle" permanently lodged in it.")

By the way, ironically, whenever Talking Heads come on the radio I turn it up a little, open the window (the one that still works), and relish the feeling of the wind running through what remains of my hair--because if nothing else, the man made some good driving tunes.

Still, if I'm going to drive around cranking the Byrne I should at least understand what I'm taking part in, and the whole "Murder Machines" thing happens to tie neatly into my latest obsession, which is old photos of New York.  I couldn't care less about bike porn, but show me some good New York City history porn and I'll go weak in the knees and start trying to auto-fellate.  It is pornography too, because there is nothing more tantalizingly out-of-reach than the past.  Anyway, check out this old photo of a subway station from 1908:

Horses!  Trolley tracks!  Ferris wheel!

Here's a photo from that same subway station a decade or so later:

Note the cars have replaced the horses.  Also, there's a bike, probably purchased via "Craigory's List:"

Here's street level, same station.  They're jaywalking!

Did you notice the guy waiting for the Tweed Ride to roll out?

Anyway, same station again, and after a few more decades the cars get bigger and start blocking the trolleys:

And here's where we are today:

(Photo via here.)

Well over a hundred years later and the trolleys are gone (replaced with buses) and the subway station is as indispensable as ever, but see how it's been streeetched the fuck out to make way for the cars?



That kind of depressed me at first, but now I find it kind of comical.  They just said, "Fuck it, let's stretch it!"  Oh, there's the tweed rider's great-grandson:

Funny how there's always that one token cyclist there.  I like to think it's this guy in a time-traveling "Twelve Monkeys"-type scenario:

Most importantly though, "What the fuck happened to the Ferris wheel?"

We may never know.

Anyway, the retro-grouch in my longs for the tweedy bucolic horsey days I never experienced, but the pragmatist reminds the retro-grouch that, while I was a lot less likely to have been hit by a car back then, I almost certainly would have gotten polio.  (Also, rotting horses were a major problem back in the 19th century, so there's that.)  It's the great Shell Game of Mortality I suppose--first we figure out how to save your life, then we invent a new way to take it.  

In the meantime, I'll take comfort in the fact that, in the last 100-plus years, the two constants in New York City have been subways and bicycles, which just so happen to be by far the best ways to get around this town.


recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Comment controlled by remote.

Anonymous said...

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recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

These sandals were made for walking (and for riding, since they're SPD compatible).

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

5 minute gap! Low drag not the paper bag.

Brad Smith said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brad Smith said...

my le-no-lo restricts my auto-fellatio

JB said...

I was late. I was researching who invented the timesheet, so I could travel back in time an kill him. Spoiler alert: it was a lawyer.

Blog Drafter said...

I'm depressed.

Flyover Bike Commuter said...

The cause of most problems is solutions.

dympora purveyor! Is that legal?

McFly said...

It would have been pretty sweet to walk in a drug store and pick up some corn meal, salve, heroin, mecuricombe and cocaine. For my teeth.

ps Thanks alot I just threw my back out in the shop floor.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Great synopsis on the historical photo. Yes it's true we tend to romanticize bygone eras. When I was 16 I had appendicitis. Hurt like hell but the docs cut it out just before it burst. I'd have been pushing up daisies if I lived back then.

Robot words: copy smedian

3G said...

Fuck it, I'm taking the trolley

Regular guy said...

Another problem, now with Burger Kings and such all over there is so much to Jaywalk to, it is almost unavoidable.

I flipped through a story on the interiorwebbing earlier and learned that in the 1930's, both Howard Hughes and John Huston killed pedestrians using their cars as weapons. Neither of these great early American motorists were charged.

Was that the great Toronto mayor Robs Fords in the Vehicular Pedestrian regalia?

I think the bicycle in the second old-timey photo of the subway station might be the first ghost bike.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Helment mirrors - yay or nay?

Nick Peak said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nick Peak said...

First comment ever and not even close.

dancesonpedals said...

hope you didn't go to harace mann & get fondled by gerry sandusky

Anonymous said...

21st! kayak kissers

now i'll go back & read for content.

I 8 1 2 said...

allen wrenched

phillips head

Anonymous said...

Bipedal? Read this:

dcee604 said...

Have a good weekend! Spring Break is here!

Anonymous said...

Are those subways? Trolleys? Trolleys, maybe. They look like streetcars to me, but maybe they go underground up the line.

Anyway, it is called progress. There's a Burger King there. The so-called subway wouldn't have integrated with the BK drive thru, so what good was it to anyone?

I like pie said...


Anonymous said...

Taking a driving test and license in the United States is way too easy. You do not need to show any particular skills rather than following the code during the test. In Japan to take a motorcycle driving license you need to be able to track stand for 10 sec. On a motorcycle. They ensure you have enough skills to ride.

What about adding parallel parking to the test? If you hit the curb or can not do it in just one shot you fail. Just make it harder. There are too many inept driving huge cars.

The MAN Without a Car said...

I got it figured out,
I got it figured out
Good points some bad points
But it all works out,
I'm a little freaked out

JLRB said...

S.N.O.B. - Well done! I'd kickstart the fuck out of a tail light camera that takes pictures back through time.

Len Silverstein said...

Llen says there's one L in marshal

Anonymous said...

Top XXX!

Roille Figners said...

Wow you can just invent terms like jaywalking? All right, driving & texting shall henceforth be termed pigfucking.

Don't be a pigfucker.

JLRB said...

Brad Smith - Good Day, Sir!

JB - Let me at the bastard (how long did it take me to type that?)

(and now for comments about the stem length in the 1918-ish fred-cycle)

TheonLi are

Regular guy said...

Roille, all those texting drivers would have loved 19th century NYC.

From the rotting horse article:

"Pigs regularly roamed through the city in herds."

1904 Cadardi said...


There is already a name for people who drive and text: MURDERER!

Also acceptable: defendant.

Although pigfucker does have a nice ring to it.

Regular guy said...

Wow, "Carless" D. Byrne has a doppleganger

babble on said...

Wow, is it ever hot today!! :D

Yes, walking upright really IS a big deal for some of us. I always celebrate when I make it to the end of the day unscathed.

'Scuse me while I go weak in the knees and try to auto-fellate...

DB said...

Good one, Snob. There is a fun old photos of LA available, too. Watch the exponential growth of autos in that one.
Just returned from the yard where I raked up twenty pounds of winter dog shit.
Headed for the bar for the Friday afternoon libation.

Cody said...

Wildcat, thanks for that Horace Mann link; reminded me that Kerouac's birthday was a couple of days ago.
I'm having a drink at a bar, sitting next to an old timer who saw Thelonious Monk in concert; that's as close as I can get to Kerouac.

Lost Boys said...

Completely off topic - I never got into the whole Lost series, but feel like we are living through it now

RoadQueen said...

First of all: Congrats to the podio winners today, top spot belonging to our own, beloved, RCT.

Secondly, the first thing that stood out to me in BikeSnot's PSA was the sandals on the guy fucking himselfie. I don't know how to explain that. Menopause?

Anonymous said...

Anon 2:31 touched on this issue, but it wasn't a "subway" in its earlier years. It wasn't even a train line by the look of things. But nonetheless, today's blog is an excellent educational journey through time. Almost as good as an episode of the Time Tunnel.

One thing that wasn't adequately explained however, is whether the site did in fact become a subway in its latter years. If it did and the whole show was moved underground, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that that's where the Ferris wheel went too!

JB said...

I like how the auto-fellate illustration artist signed it.

Also, it's Boomhauer.

Olde said...

That's the 1 train station in the Bronx, which is still up and running as the pictures show. It's underground from the South Ferry station...above ground starting at 125th st.

Anonymous said...

Snobby wrote:

"Anyway, the retro-grouch in my longs ..."

In 'his' longs? Did he mean schlong, lungs?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymii 2:31 and 4:00pm,

It was and still is an elevated subway. (Large portions of our "subway" system run above ground. The trolleys ran on the street, and have been replaced by buses.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

mikeweb said...

To the two anons confused by the photos of the subway station with no tracks (today) with the streetcars, trolley cars, or whatever the fuck they were on tracks earlier:

That particular subway was and amazingly still is today the last stop on what today is the 1 train line. So it's not so much a station as it is a terminal. The last 2 photos are taken from the north side of it, but past the station building you would see elevated subway tracks, or tarcks.

Anonymous said...

Who knew WildCat Rocking Machine would start a topic about feral pigs?

I didn't.

Feral hogs can be a problem. They eat pretty much anything including other animals.

BikeSnobNYC said...


Yes, I should have said "terminal," that's like calling fork ends "dropouts."


It goes back underground after 125th and then comes back up again at Dyckman. It's like a dolphin!

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymii 4:00 said...

WCRM 4:12,

Ah okay, thanks Snobby. But where's the actual train line then?

It's odd to publish a number of pictures of a "subway" that don't actually include a glimpse of it.

Anonymous said...

Half the fun of getting fellatio is that someone else is performing it!!1!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymii 4:00pm,

Sorry, I foolishly assume everyone in the world is familiar with the NYC subway. As Mikeweb aptly pointed out, it's technically a "terminal." The tracks start behind the control house. You climb the stairs onto the platform. This should explain.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BikeSnobNYC said...


Sorry for the double signature.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

--Wildcat Rock Machine

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymii 4:00pm,

Goddamn it, this is the link I meant to give you.

Stupid computers.

--Wildcat etc. and so forth.

Anonymii 4:00pm said...


Most edifying. Thank you so much.

Now if you can just explain why the Ferris wheel has no capsules...?

RoadQueen said...

@ Anonymii 4:00 pm

RE: Ferris Wheel with no capsules

I believe we've covered this before, it's called Fluffery, etc. and so forth.

You see the wheel, so you ride the train to it but JUST KIDDING. Made you buy a ticket.

McFly said...

Queenie those sandals are SPD compatable. You can mount a set of cleats on an adjacent wall and clip in so you don't have to strain and you can focus on your auto-fellate.

I mean I think thats what it's all about.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading an interesting book about the Munsee Dutch encounters. The Munsee didn't have cars either, at least in the 16th century. They did, however, suffer something like 90% mortality due to smallpox within a few decades of Hudson's arrival.

Amazing that Manhattan became a financial centre considering how fast they ran out of beaver pelts. I guess, at least, they still had wampum. Is that still handmade in Brooklyn?

Roille Figners said...

Yeah yeah sure sure, so where is this subway/tram/trolley station/terminal/platform in relation to the park where Cyrus speaks in The Warriors?

Regular guy said...

I wondered about the sandals myself. Wouldn't the guy have taken off his pants first, thereby necessitating the removal of the sandals? If so, why did he put them back on? Maybe he was at a nudist beach.

And what about the glasses? Is he so farsighted that everything up close is just a blur of flesh tone?

All this auto fellatio talk reminds me of an old Henny Youngman joke:

Did you here the one about the latest al-Qaeda terrorist? He was tasked with blowing up a car and burned his mouth on the tailpipe.

Lee Morton said...

Gorilla Gorilla!

We are not unique snowflakes. Not even in Latin names.

Dooth said...

And just up the block from that Warriors scene...the football scene from The Wanderers.

That 1 train line has its quirks. At 125th it's the highest elevated station. At 181st, it's so deep underground, an elevator ride is required to reach street level.
That station was a real joy in the 70's.

Roille Figners said...

Since I'm a strange hater who bitters my job, I looked that shit up. The script says it's Van Cortlandt Park but actually they filmed that scene in Riverside Park. MOVIES ARE LIES IS HAS BALL CANCERS.

Anonymous said...

So what you're saying is the New York "subway" is always underground in exactly the same way the Chicago El is always overhead?


Anonymous said...

Why didn't you use the google?,-73.89806,3a,75y,246.65h,98.5t/data=!3m4!1e1!3m2!1sal7G_RHSiEIcdbsgPXRPFQ!2e0

JLRB said...

Fuck it - nothing better than this beer I am drinking right now after bikecyxling into a headwind all the way home after a long week of "toiling" and/ or bitterly floffing off.


Fred of the Sea said...

Bully on the absurd politics of the automobile!

I grew up in the City, but never took the subway north of 168th and probably only crossed the East River ten times, but it cost 15 cents (same as a slice) when I started riding.

Charles Bernth said...

Loki wins. What did you exect?

Mags Oi said...

If I can do this... at least let me roll across the street so I don't have to stop doing it. ROLL-MWAP-ROLL-MWAP (that's " mouth fap", BTW).

Orbit said...

JLRB, I'm with you. A post-ride beer after a ride in harsh weather...damn right.

McFly said...

You said COMES BACK UP AGAIN AT DYCKMAN. Is Dyckman wearing the sandals? I am confused.

BamaPhred said...

Subway? Isn't that a sandwich shop?

I always wondered why the street cars died out so suddenly, they seemed like such a better idea than buses.

The all powerful car lobby, should have known.

F#%^*+ automobiles. If they aren't trying to kill you they are stealing all your wages on repairs.

Now you know how I spent my day.

Enjoy your weekend, everybody, I'll will be dealing with the death machine.

Anonymous said...

Top ten posts, Snob. Hats off!
Rant on you crazy diamond-shaped-frame-riding child of the universe.

Vacuum Man said...

I tried auto fellatio but it seems I really suck.

Anonymous said...

oooh good one, you saved your best for the last (day of the work week)

Anonymous said...

If you just glance at the auto fellatio pic it looks like me and my girl doing the 69. I always get on top so I can hump her warm mouth. According to her flow meter she is into it.

They're not kosher you know said...

Hey, don't knock pigfuckery if you've never tried it!

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and to sign off on a week's worth of assfucking comments:

"Bite the pillow, honey, I'm coming in dry..."

tubasti said...

Stray dogs learn that jaywalking is safer than crossing at corners . . . if they live long enough.

MC's Hammer said...

From near the end of that article:

“The protected bike-lane redesigns in New York City are narrowing the right of way for vehicles by at least 8 feet, and sometimes more. If you’re a pedestrian, that’s 8 more feet that you don’t have to worry about when you’re crossing the street."

In other words, just step out and let those stupid cyclists swerve into the REAL traffic. :)

Anonymous said...

I personally would love it if those dirt road pedestriany days would come again, but there is no way. There are too many cars (and too many people). All those people are not giveing up thier cars becasue cars are awesome. They are also terrible, but their awesomeness outweighs the terribleness. I can get in my car at on a whim at 4 am in january in Alaska and in three days I can be in LA. Or I could just go get some donuts.There is no way people are going to voluntarily give up that kind of mobility and freedom.

So the whole war on cars thing seems totally pointless and counter productive. If you really care about making a difference (I know you don't, not more than you enjoy just pure bitching, which I can relate to) you should be figuring out ways cars and bikes and mass transit can function better together.

Just figuring out what the actual rules of the road for bikes should be, and then getting people to accept them would be a good first step.

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David said...

Holy shit, there used to be a hang-by-your-thumbs Ferris wheel where Miles Car Service used to be.

paulb said...

Just digging the living end out of the VCP vicinity photos. Long live the West Bronx!

JLRB said...

What war on cars? Is that like the war on Christmas?

David said...

Rotting horses, major problem? Or rotting horses, major opportunity?

Anonymous said...

In New York State you have to be able to parallel park.

amadisdegaul said...

Cars do kill a lot of people. But 'Con toto respecto', David Byrne/Talking Heads made some good driving tunes?? Por favor! YouTube "Crosseyed and Painless" the live London version. Or "Once in a Lifetime". Great to DANCE to, or listen. Podium. You can also access it via my blog, the 'Car Commuters are Crosseyed and Painless' post. Happy listening!

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Mike said...

This looks like interesting fodder for a blog post... airbags for cyclists

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

Stuart said...

Great blogpost! You still haven't lost it. I think the problem is the MAD (mutually assured destruction) principle at work here. Cars are supposedly getting "safer" and "safer" every year, mainly by getting bigger and heavier. These SUVs give a false sense of security to their drivers, because the other guy has got an SUV too. The vehicular arms race goes on and on, forget about bicyclists or pedestrians, you might not even notice when you run them over. I think the Japanese have the solution. Force the car industries to build so-called Kei cars which have a maximum displacement of 660 cc and max length of 3.35 meters. I have such a Daihatsu Mira which only weighs 700 kilos because how else can you get any performance out of 660ccs? When you hit a deer with one of those, the deer is sitting in your lap literally. I think it makes the Japanese much more careful drivers. Remove some of that driver sense of invincibility!

CommentorBot9000 said...

"It goes back underground after 125th and then comes back up again at Dyckman. It's like a dolphin!"

Dolphins go under ground?

Also, you might what to look up porpoise, intransitive verb, in the dictionary.

McFly said...

Well its a Soggy Sunday here in PairEEE Tenn but at 4 30 Stage 8 of PairEEE NEESE comes on NBC Sports. So I got that going for me. Which is nice. Or NEESE. Plus no kids. So maybe things will go from soggy to just wet.

DB said...

Setting you up WIWM.

BamaPhred said...

I'll play

JLRB said...

I am steeling the 100 slot

Noticed the article talks about the original speed limits being 10 mph for cars - wah hoooo speed ?!?

JLRB said...


It is snowing again

Anonymous said...

amusing/irritating bicycles from NAHBS.






Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

dearest mr wildcat - I'm sure you're very much in need of one of these.

Ben said...

"Helment" couldn't stop laughing!

Anonymous said...

@ the touch of her lips it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled and tugged expertly.

It was the most beautiful giraffe balloon animal I had ever seen.

Anonymous said...

The girl in 3-A that paints her nails jet black stopped by for a cup of sugar yesterday afternoon.

I gave her a pound and then we watched Pulp Fiction.

JLRB said...

if I buy a walmart fat bike with studded tires will that bring an end to this snow/

Boa Boa said...


Protour said...

For some reason this reminded me of a Clusterfuck Nation post byJames Kunstler. Slightly depressing but entertaining, welcome to the future, the long emergency.

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