Thursday, February 6, 2014

Wake Me Up For The Tour de France So I Can Hit "Snooze" For Three More Weeks

Uh-oh.  It's a widdle bit cold in Portland--and it might snow!


So I went and checked the forecast, and it looks like there's a 60% chance that they might get one inch.  One inch!


Do you know what I would give to have only one inch of snow on the ground right now?  (Well, it's a rhetorical question, but if you must know, I'd go as high as US$50, or CAD$50.)  Here in New York we've got like three snowstorms sitting on top of each other now, with another one due to arrive this weekend.  It's just storms humping storms here at this point.  You've got to climb mountains of plowed snow just to jaywalk, and this morning as I was doing just that I fell through the roof of a Miata convertible!

And as far as the temperature, I guess 20 degrees American is pretty chilly, but that stopped feeling cold to me like two snowstorms ago.

So "Did you ride?"  Come on!  You people in Portland owe it to us to ride!  You're the most coddled cyclists in America, yet we've heard just about every complaint possible from you people over the years: "We've got scary streetcar tracks that make us crash;" "They put speed bumps on the Hawthorne Bridge that make us crash:; "They won't let us ride through the cemetery and dishonor the dead with our Lycra-clad asses".  WHAT-ever.  For the sake of your fellow cyclists, nut and/or vulva up for once in your lives and get out there, goddamn it!

(Or don't, actually.  It's probably pretty dangerous there when it snows.  I bet the typical Portland driver goes into a tailspin at the slightest hint of snowfall, even with the standard-issue Subaru.  If I lived in Portland I'd probably just stay at home with the giant smelly dog I own because I live in Portland.)

Speaking of Portland, did you know they say that Portlanders are the least attractive city-dwellers in America?  Well, they don't--at least not as far as I know.  However, scientists have conducted what must be the most useless experiment since the middle ages, and it has revealed that faster cyclists are more attractive:


The top 10% of performers were rated on average as 25% better looking than the laggards.

The scientists conclude that humans have evolved to recognise athletic performance in faces.

Yeah, duh!  First of all, everybody knows PEDs make you better-looking.  Just look at Lance Armstrong:


Come on, he never would have landed a dreamboat like Matthew McConaughey without the juice.

Second of all, do you really need a clinical study to conclude that nobody likes the French Breakaway Loser Pain Face?


(Thomas "Suitcase of Courage" Voeckler attempting to lick his own helment strap.)

And here's some more obviousness:

Dr Postma and his team found that women who were on the contraceptive pill were less likely to link attractiveness to performance.

"Typically, studies find that women using the pill have a reduced preference for masculine faces, and we found the same phenomenon: women on the pill had a reduced preference for faster cyclists," said Dr Postma.

I didn't go to science school or anything, but I don't need a study to tell me you can be less picky when there's no chance of getting knocked up.  Hey, if you're on the pill you can afford to have pity sex with a lousy cyclist once in awhile, because you know you're not going to wind up with a baby that looks like this:


(Encore, le "FBLPF.")

Also, he looks like he knows how to use his tongue.

And then there's this:

Many men argue that they find it difficult to rate the attractiveness of other males, but in the study the researchers found that men who took part had a fairly similar view on who was handsome as the women.

I wonder if at any point the researchers considered the possibility that men who volunteer to take part in studies that involve ranking the attractiveness of male professional athletes happen to be attracted to other men.

Maybe they can do another study to find out for sure.

As for me, the only way I can sit through a bike race nowadays is if it's reenacted with stop-motion videography, like this video I saw on VeloNews:



Though they left out the drug test afterwards:


Lastly, there are a list of acceptable excuses for running over a cyclist or pedestrian with your car, including but not limited to:

"I didn't see him."
"She came out of nowhere."
"I mistook the accelerator for the brake."
"I was overwhelmed by the 'new car smell' of my Mercedes."

Well, a reader tells me you can now add "I couldn't stop because I had diarrhea" to the list:



Persis Draper, 92, said she was on her way to visit a friend when she experienced a bout of diarrhea. She called her friend to cancel, but wanted to make a stop at the grocery store on the way home.

“I decided while I was out to get some rolls. I had a potluck to go to,” Draper said. “While I was on my way that’s when the accident occurred.”

But then the diarrhea struck again:

“I didn’t leave a scene of an accident because I was running away. I’m not the type of individual who would do something like that. I left because I had diarrhea,” she said. “I went back to check and there wasn’t anybody there.”

Uh, I'd imagine that when you're 92, every bowel movement is diarrhea.

82 comments:

babble on said...

Podiooooodiooooo

babble on said...

KISS ME!!

Anonymous said...

Squeeking in there Detroit Mac

Anonymous said...

lmost made it

qauk said...

Yes!ernaerg necks

Eurodude said...

top 10 and weed, baby!

Makeout said...

Suck the sword!

Anonymous said...

Single digits.

vsk

jay said...

vulvatude

Anonymous said...

Kiss Babble Twice !!

vsk



andplatDro

Anonymous said...

Isn't running away and leaving due to the runs synonymous?

Yeah Fuck Cleveland drivers! said...

The man who hit me this morning didn't bother with an excuse. He just yelled "Get the fuck off of the road" as he drove off, leaving me, my mangled front rim and bruised knee lying on the road.

Roille Figners said...

en les vingt premiers?

Roille Figners said...

Kisses for Babs!

"Daddy why were you kissing that lady's bottom?"

Anonymous said...

Not sure that Wiggo is a good example of attractive cyclists.

babble on said...

Mmmmmm kisses! Thank you thank you! It's all in the dope, y'know...

Yikes. The cannibal from Baal sounds bad, even for lego cross.

Ouch in Cleaveland. Sorry to hear it. :S

McFly said...

Bad folding bikes always bend at the waist.

The King of Park Slope throwing up a little bit in his mouth said...

Was that last sentence necessary.

Roille Figners said...

I rode in Portland's benighted suburbs, through snowflakes, on a folding bike, in a headwind, to a corporate-ass job, and was glad to do it too. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time.

JLRB said...

Licking helmet straps = awesome

Cleveland - that sucks - I hope you got a license plate (so you can file a report and get ticketed for riding when it is cold, er something) - I hope the knee heals and the rim was old

McFly - please report to the IT desk

actly arstorg

Mr Plow said...

Moregreglemondreferencesorimafuckinkillya.

Spokey said...

congrats babs;

you musta done a secret wheel true to get that yellow. The secrets out. You're a master mech who has been scamming us all along.



robot suffers natinas exhaustion but throws the victory circle hugs and kisses to babs too.

disgruntl Ed. said...

there are a list?

are there now?

All the best to you, as ever.

Anonymous said...

I ate at this diner once and got the runs so bad I could shit through a screen door and not touch metal.

JLRB said...

Ed, there are.

le Correcteur said...

Late. Unread. Twenty-fifth.

all ingczing

JLRB said...

I drank coffee from Cauca, Colombia and it gave me the

mikeweb said...

Smooches for Babs, and a 'lil butt squeeze for 2nd place too.

Cleveland, that sucks.

Anonymous said...

Anon @2:05p

So you didn't have the corn on the cob?

Anonymous said...

In case you need to know when it is snowing in Portland--
http://isitsnowinginpdx.com/

--Plutarco.

Anonymous said...

why is a 92 year old driving in the first place, with or without diarrhea? I think there should be a mandatory law that your license automatically expires at 70 and you have to retake the drivers test every 2 years to continue to drive. A car after all can be a lethal weapon so why would you want some olf senile fuck handling it. seriously.

babble on said...

Why'd you do it snob? Why Da Babe without Da Boobies?

Roille Figners said...

HOCKEY PLAYERS WITH TEETH MORE ATTRACTIVE, SAYS STUDY

Top hockey players were judged on average 25% more attractive than their underperforming teammates. This held for forwards, defensemen, and goalies. The exception was "enforcers" who saw no such advantage despite having bested many adversaries. "One possible reason for this may be all the facial scars and missing teeth," said the lead researcher, Melvin Schlongberg.

Anonymous said...

It's not the doping, it's the no life.

Roille Figners said...

But yes, people do go fucking apeshit at the first hint of snow in Portland.

My forecast calls for 2 to 4 hours of TV weathermen talking in a given 24-hour period.

Anonymous said...

In Minneapolis:
http://m.startribune.com/?id=243446521

Gosh darnit.

commie said...

SCIENTISTS STILL BAG ALL THE BABES CONCLUDES STUDY

Scientists were judged to be 12.35% more attractive than most Hollywood actors, according to renowned psychology researcher, Arthur Morningwood. "the number is between 12.23 and 12.67%, depending upon factors such as which number we feel like making up, after all, this is psychology research."
Dr. Morningwood wore Birkenstocks and a white lab coat at the time of the interview and talked very scientifical.

commie said...

It's been so cold in Toronto, ROFO has been seen not sweating.

Poopie Pants said...

I think a lot ot Portlanders are people who ride bikes, not Cyclists.

The general population is intolerant of almost any discomfort or great effort.

Mostly they are not acclimated nor familiar with even small amounts of snow.

Roille Figners said...

Well there are two cohorts: People from California inexperienced with snow, and people from everywhere else who are like "THIS IS NOTHING, I GREW UP WITH BLA BLA BLA."

ih8macintoshesthecomputer1984goddamnthisstalinbullshitcpu said...

Wow, every segment of that post was so oddly revelatory in its own odd/respective way.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

babbs...

...today you got poooo-dio, not podiooooooo

...kisses nonetheless

...i've got the runs and have to go.

... Cleveland, sorry to hear you ran into a space occupied by sack of 92 year old sack of doody. take care of your knee... i can tell you, it sucks to ride when your knee hurts... my only saving grace for not riding is the meters of snow on the ground right now.

RoadQueen said...

Yeah....this post makes me want to punch a Portlander in the face, and I'm not usually prone to violence.

BIG SLOPPY WET KISSES TO BABBLE!!!

1 & 2, you over-achiever, you. :)

Dooth said...

Oh, so that's why I'm fast.

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

Dooth - pictures or it ain't so.
Snob nailed it with the big smelly dog and the Subaru, and yes, I think cat 6 racing gets you an eye-roll in PDX, so they are not fast, thus, more ugly.
Roooiille nailed it with the Abe Simpson reference.

Lining up to give Babs more podial kisses

dancesonpedals said...

why would anyone run over a pediatrician with a car? A podiatrist, yes..never a car

JLRB said...

I've been to Portlandia a couple of times but never had the chance to ride a bicycle while there. There do seem to be an unusual number of slackers, and the smell of weed everywhere (not that there is anything wrong with that), but the working stiffs I dealt with were your typical working stiffs, only wetter.

Anyplace with a bike assembly station in the airport can't be all bad. And the mass transit is actually useful.

Have a nice day!

Anonymous said...

If you rolled out a human's smelling thing, it would be about the size of handkerchief and a pea sized bit of the brain is dedicated to processing smell data.

A dog's smelling thing, on the other hand, would roll out to the size of a couple of football fields and fully one quarter of the canine brain processes smells.

In light of that, one may care to exercise some discretion when speaking of "smelly dogs".

Comment deleted said...

Anon @ 2:36: But I don't understand, the cyclist was wearing a helment. Why didn't that keep the drunk from hitting him?

Yuck. RIP, brother.

the Jimboner said...

My worst diarrhea is a toss up between:
Tulum,Quintana Roo, Mexico 1987, cabbage
or Flores, Peten, Guatemala 1990, peanut butter

both epic struggles.

Anonymous said...

To round out the list of excuses for killing someone with your car, don't forget being a spoiled rotten little shit (Affluenza).

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2014/02/06/272385603/no-jail-for-teen-with-affluenza-who-killed-4-in-crash

dancesonpedals said...

jim's boner..
thanks you so much for sharing

JLRB said...

Anon @2:36

That sucks. Imagine being his mom. For whom the bell tolls ...

Anon @4:51 - Rehab and probation? Money talks.

I am now seriously depressed.

DB said...

I got nothing today.
Crosspalms:
Please take over Comment of the Day duties today.

Anonymous said...

3:11 Pm

PDX report: about 2 " on the ground, and more still on the way, 40 mph wind gusts, about 25 degrees.

Non stop TV storm coverage since I got home. WIth little mention of a school shooting in the burbs earlier today.

And yes, the reason I left work early was that people can't even drive in the rain here (go figure)let alone the snow. Many of us do (spent a few years in the Lake Erie snow belt) but it's the others I'm scared of.

I'm at home with wife, two kids, and two smelly dogs (cause I'm even more hip that most Portland hipsters- gotta make up for my lack of a ZZ Top beard).

Got the day off tomorrow as well, and gunna attach some zip ties to my Raleigh 20 twenty tires and have some folding, snowy, bikey fun then, once the traffic has settled down.





ouabacher said...

Anon 4:38. You're not fooling anyone, Leroy's dog.

Herschel Raney said...

McFly, damn it, those links are dangerous.

I expected more diarrhea stories. I will spare you.

And, as always, Snob thanks for the read.

This made me happier all day than anything else though:

http://www.kungfugrippe.com/post/75659899978/dire-straits-sultans-of-swing-1978-isolated

Out. And fuck that robot test, just fuck it silly. Whiskey time.

McFly said...

Sorry guys. It looked pretty PG 13 to me. I broke my leg wicked bitchin gnarly in '05 and had diarrhea for 6 weeks when I finally kicked the pain meds. SIX WEEKS. You ever applied neosporin to your bunghole? Oh momma it was necessary.

trama said...

@ Jimboner:
Wordstest evar case I had started in Negombo Sri Lanka, took it to Malé Maldives, lost days of upon days up in the squalid dayworker tower I inhabited, finally the boat I chartered to take me to a dive island shows up, crapper out of commish, I blendered some into the pristine environment off the back hanging onto the outboard, frequently. Remember the first session because we were puttering right by the Coke factory island. Later in the day we picked up a few dozen people off of a sinking boat hung up on a reef, the men crowding the front, the women and kids all in the back (100% muslim rules yo) and then began the longest evening I ever had, I was counting to THREE and sweating it, my glutes holding as much as they could. I thought about falling overboard accidentally on purpose, and crapping it up while they circled around. Daydreaming, sweating, delirious. Finally got to the island, ran up the shallows almost crying and seeing stars.

wishiwasmerckx said...

CJ, is that you?

Dr. Brown said...

They should do a study about the sexual attractiveness of cyclists with diarrhea vs. cyclists without diarrhea though probably most scientists would poo poo such an idea.

In The Running said...

Never bet on who will be the first person in your traveling party to get diarrhea. It's just a crap shoot.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Thanks for all the shout-outs.
I'm just back from visiting the Cleveland Police Dept. and not surprisingly it didn't go well. The CPD questioned why I wanted to file a report. Without the car's plate # there wasn't much they could do. And despite the fact that the shithead knew he hit me, didn't offer assistance and instead yelled for me to get the fuck off of the road, it was merely a hit and skip.
The officer did wonder why even though I have a valid license and own a car I ride a bicycle to work.

BamaPhred said...

Continuing with tonight's theme, Geez Cleveland, what a sh*tty situation.

Dave said...

McFly - I also had that diarrhea-after-stopping-dilaudid problem, but eating a lot of yogurt, rice, bananas etc. fixed it fairly soon. Nowadays, of course the scientific way of fixing that is the fecal transplant. Works like voodoo.

Roille - when i was a little kid in Canada BLA BLA BLA we used to dig warrens of snow tunnels in the huge drifts put up by the plows, and in the spring as they collapsed they would snuff out the unluckier kids; and I've always been incredibly lucky ever since.

leroy said...

My dog didn't post as Anon 4:38, but he agrees completely.

leroy said...

Just in case I'm out of pocket tomorrow and can't do my usual best wishes for the weekend, let me just add:

Ride if you can and if you can ride, do my dog and me a favor: enjoy every minute of it.

This winter weather will end. Can't say when exactly, but my dog assures me that ground hogs don't know squat when it comes to weather forecasting. That whole see your shadow thing is just a prank rodents play on each other when they're hungover.

Anonymous said...

There's no cold like ironic west coast cold.

Anonymous said...

So, first let me say that it actually snowed more like 5 or 6 inches in Portland this afternoon. There are no snow plows for the roads, no specially fitted snow-buggies for the bike paths. Nothing like the NYC Dept of Sanitation rides over the East River bridges. Our trains don't even work in the snow. There's nothing but panic, and hoarding or if you were smart--tapping into the homebrew and jars of pickled shit you have in your basement, ready for when access to the grid (by which i mean netflix) is cut off.

The end is here, and we all have snow days, and nobody has to work or do anything because the snow has overtaken and overwhelmed the city.

So, you know...there is a benefit to mass hysteria and general snow-wussiness.

rover215 said...

To top off the Portland FREAK OUT over 3 inches (as of now) of snow, the "Worst Day of the Year Ride" has been cancelled due to bad weather. BAD WEATHER.

Comment deleted said...

Anon, I don't like the sound of pickled shit...AT ALL.

BamaPhred said...

I have to wonder if Portland freakout is worse than Alabama freakout.
Last weeks ice fest caught us all totally by surprise, in the middle of the day.
Yesterday they predicted we might see a snowflake, immediately schools cancelled and EVERYONE, including your truly, stampeded for the exits.
Not. Even. Ashamed.
And thank you Leroy and the Dog, you have inspired me to get over my cold weather wussiness and get out and ride this week.

McFly said...

Ahhhhhhhh the R.I.C.E. remedy.

I had heard of it but thought it stood for Ravioli, Ice, Coffee, Explosion.

hoot79er said...

At the age of 57 every bowel movement is an adventure.

JLRB said...



One man's 6" of snow hell is another man's meh

It's a Dogs Life said...

There should be a study to determine if dogs prefer peeing on fire hydrants or tree trunks.

WTH: The capcha is about 12 letters long. Security must have been getting lax.

Fred in Portland said...

Hey, how many cities in the world are in a temperate rainforest? Our climate is different. Also I rode my cargo bike "The Kristen Schaal" yesterday in the snow, and I have the day off from work today!

Fred (King) in Portland

Dianne Gilleece said...

Did she have to buy the dinner rolls to stop up her booty? Their purchase seemed Highly Important to her, like, way more important than just having run over someone. "I got the diarrhea! Gotta buy those dough corks!"

Freya George said...

Cyclists with diarrhea vs. cyclists without diarrhea. While riding and training this thing often confront with diverse side effects that's why a good diet can help. Meet and greet parking Gatwick South

Sohaib Ahmed said...

There's no cold like ironic west coast cold.
meet and greet parking gatwick

carla grace said...

humor is quite invigorating, cycling in any season has its own perks and flaws. gatwick meet and greet

perry cole said...

The blog is quite interesting and the humor is greatly appreciated. it was very much different from the typical blog writing, keep up the good work.... meet and greet gatwick