Thursday, January 23, 2014

There But For the Grace of "J" Goes "Anus"

Winter Storm Anus:


If nothing else, it is certainly getting plenty of media attention:


It's also effectively painted the entire region white:


(In winter, Anus bleach you!)

The above photo, by the way, shows the Bronx, Manhattan, and New Jersey all at the same time.  There aren't a lot of vantage points where you can pull this off, and this is also probably not the image that leaps immediately to most people's minds when they hear any of those place names.  In fact, if you take away the bridges (and forget about the various dredgings and reroutings of the Harlem River over the centuries), it's not hard to imagine what the area looked like before the white man came along:


(The White Man)

I couldn't care less about the latest recreational trends among the young gentrifiers (it's shuffleboard, by the way), but I confess I do get a great big emotional boner when I catch an inadvertent glimpse of what New York must have been like back in the "olden days."  That's one of the reasons I love riding a bike.  (The inadvertent glimpses of what New York must have been like back in the "olden days," I mean.  Not the boners.)

Consider Broadway, for example.  It's been here for a very long time:

Broadway was originally the Wickquasgeck Trail, carved into the brush of Manhattan by its Native American inhabitants.

And here's what it looks like now as you ride south towards the city, the skyscrapers of Manhattan looming in the distance:


If this weren't a shitty cellphone photograph taken by a moron, you'd see the way Broadway follows the ridges and valleys as it makes its way through Yonkers, then the Bronx, then Manhattan, yielding that yellow-brick-road-wending-its-way-to-Oz effect.  Sure, it's the "Great White Way" of the popular imagination, but it's also more or less the same road that once led from a small settlement to the deep, dark woods north of Wall Street:


(New Amsterdam totally looked like a wang, which I suppose would make Broadway its urethra.)

Anyway, it's a lot easier to get plugged into the past when you're on a bike (especially when you ride a pennyfarthing like I do), and once you are you start noticing all sorts of historical residue along the way, like old houses and interesting street names and even occasionally the mysterious "Hudson River Wanking Ghost," who has surprised and beguiled travelers for centuries with his phantasmagorical displays of spectral onanism:


(Artist's rendering of the Hudson River Wanking Ghost.)

I suppose if you're a science fiction dork you probably experience an aching desire for a glimpse into the actual future.  (When you're not experiencing an aching desire for a date--which, if you're a science fiction dork, is equally elusive).  As for me, I don't have much curiosity about the future, since I know it's going to suck and we're all screwed.  The past, on the other hand, I find quite beguiling, and I'd give anything (well, maybe $30) to go back in time to 1894 and try a ride like this:


If you're not from New York none of the above will mean much to you (partially because you don't know the area, and partially because you're just slow), but if you are maybe you can appreciate it.  Then again, bike dorks were probably just as annoying then as they were now.  Plus, it's easy to idealize the past when it was probably even shittier than the present, thanks to all the racism and polio.  Still, the sight of all those 19th century proto-Freds walking around in their "handsome souvenir medals" was probably pretty hilarious, and almost certainly the equivalent of the doofuses in their Gran Fondo New York jerseys who clog up the bike path on the George Washington Bridge today.

Yes, the more things stay the same, the more they change, or maybe it's the other way around, but either way it's especially true in New York, where we're constantly inventing new names for neighborhoods, such as "Dumbo:"


Anyway, I only mention the article because of this:

In Brooklyn’s Dumbo the streets are carved from cobblestones, the hulking industrial edifices ooze prewar charm and approximately one-quarter of the companies leading the Big Apple’s design and tech boom, including West Elm and Etsy, lie within, alongside art galleries, artisanal shops and boutiques with precious names like Peas & Pickles and Recycle-a-Bicycle.

Uh, there's really nothing precious or artisanal about Recycle-a-Bicycle.  They fix up old bikes.  It's all rather prosaic.  In fact, it's increasingly an island of relative normality in a sea of extreme douchiness.

Speaking of douches, Danilo Di Luca is telling us what we already know, which is that pretty much every pro cyclist is on drugs:


One thing you probably didn't know though (or at least I didn't) is that he once turned in a urine sample that didn't contain any hormones:

The 38-year-old has twice served suspensions for doping: first as the result of the "Oil for Drugs" investigation, for which he received a three-month ban in 2007. Shortly after returning, Di Luca's urine samples at the 2007 Giro d'Italia turned up suspiciously absent of any hormones, leading to suspicions that he was using a substance to break down any traces of drugs in his urine.

Sure, that may sound suspicious, but anybody who's seen Di Luca knows otherwise:



Also, for some reason, people are angry at Di Luca for saying everybody in the Giro was on drugs, which obviously they were, because I mean come on:
Wow.  This, from somebody who rides for Garmin?  Team Garmin-Sharp, presented by "I only doped in cycling's deep, dark past?"

That's hilarious.

89 comments:

Anonymous said...

YES!

Vernal Magina said...

holy phuck, podium

Anonymous said...

Podium?

dancesonpedals said...

no podophylline....

Serial Retrogrouch said...

there's no j in anus

Gee business said...

Ice baby.

Yeah Cleveland said...

Tep ton!

Anonymous said...

I am not anonymous, I am Justin Beaver

And remember: be nice, look twice (as the SUV hurtles towards you)

Buffalo Bill said...

Ice is what snow becomes when it melts then freezes.

Ice is worse than snow.

That is all.

mikeweb said...

Broadway does get pissy sometimes.

Roille Figners said...

BLAAAAARGHH

ashamedto use my real pseudonym said...

Justin Beaver? If you're Dick Hertz, do you soak it in cider?

Freddy Murcks said...

For the love of scranus!!!! How early do you have to show up at this damn blog in order to podium?

languida litedran

babble on said...

Strange that the urethra of the wang of the great white way actually makes sense to me...

Anonymous said...

Dang, was refreshing and reloading and BOOM there are a bunch up there already. I have to dial the numbers on my modem faster.
Was counting on them podium kisses from Babble On and Road Queen!

vsk

FUNDicsMid

Unknown said...

Winter is a heartless bitch

the Jimboner said...

Anus bleach you!
Amen.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Mother Nature's Anus is making me ride the trainer and binge on Archer.

McFly said...

I did the doping. To paraphrase Louis C.K...."Who don't like opium, it's fucking perfect. "

DB said...

I have heard that Broadway is the longest street in America, stretching from the Battery to Albany.
Would one of you NY historians get back to me on that?
Great post today. I know where that photo was taken. Passed through there on the Circle Line cruise.

dnk said...

Kudos to BSNYC for photoshopping out Ken's penis. Truly going the extra mile to keep this blog family-friendly.

Anonymous said...

Real estate in NYC has always been a good investment. 400 years ago the Dutch purchased Manhattan from the natives for a couple blankets and a six pack of Heineken, it's nearly doubled in value since that time.

JLRB said...


Love the 1894 cue sheet, even if I am too slooowwww to figure it out. (They spelled Breede Weg wrong)

Imagine cycling through the setting of Gangs of New York - probably safer without the SUVs, as long as you didn't get clubbed to death

albert disalvo said...

the Butcher lives!

Anonymous said...

As one of the new generation of "clean" cyclists, Talansky is contractually required to express outrage at the mere mention of doping.

babble on said...

A real hair has man on his chest.

Podium Kisses!

Oh snobbers, it's hopeless. I am the ultimate dweeb, Queen of the Dorks.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"Each team takes a turn pushing four discs, aiming for a triangular zone to earn points. This is called sending a biscuit."

I got a little sport I call "Sending a Biscuit" but it's not played on a 39 foot concrete slab. My court is a small square or rectangular space with a water filled Porcelain stool along one side.

Spokey said...

no, no, no babs

A real woman has man on her chest.



atommu year

dancesonpedals said...

my name is urethra meatus...mr meatus to you

Comment deleted said...

JLRB, that's funny, I had the same vision, of riding P-Fars through Five Points.

Unfortunately for both of our vivid imaginations, we are about forty years off, time-wise.

Still, I imagine this route was carefully selected to avoid the horrors of the Lower East Side at that time.

JamMasterCray said...

"Plus, it's easy to idealize the past when it was probably even shittier than the present, thanks to all the racism and polio".

GOLD! Whoever makes cheap comments about 'remember when this blog was funny' or whatever, you're obviously not reading carefully or at all. More like remember when people appreciated this blog?

F YEAH

balls™ said...

Anal bleach. Some people will buy anything for a possible performance boost.

dancesonpedals said...

Yo DB..

Broadway changes it's name to Highland Avenue after leaving Sleepy Hollow to enter Ossining (nee Sing Sing)

I pass by that vista of WCRM's on my daily commute on metro north... that view is between Spuyton Duyvil & Marbal Hill stations...close to last months derailment

82 medici said...

True story:
Boyfriend (at GFs parent's house for dinner): [GF name], eat your spinach, it'll put hair on your chest.
GF: But I don't want hair on my chest.
GF's mom: I suppose it all depends on who's hair it is!

The King of Park Slope said...

Tanning Salon Ken™ is a collectors item.

Anonymous said...

Marble Hill: The only part of Manhattan on the mainland.

Sir Mix-A-Lot said...

My Posse's on Broadway...

Anonymous said...

"edifices ooze prewar charm"

A little penicillin should clear up that oozing right away.

DB said...

Thanks, DoP: I'll have to look that up to further my "interesting facts of New York".

db said...

I really expected the photo accompanying "Artist's rendering of the Hudson River Wanking Ghost" to depict a car-less David Byrne....

Serial Retrogrouch said...

RCT,

...knowing that now that BSNYC has mentioned sending the biscuit trend, and somebody very soon is going to mention it to me in brooklyn, i'll be going to send a biscuit frequently just to prepare myself.

Roille Figners said...

Wickquasgeck Trail? That sounds like something else...

So does Spuyton Duyvil...

e.g. My Spuyton Duyvil left a trail along her Wickquasgeck.

Roille Figners said...

...so I Yonkers.

Thank you and good night.

Roille Figners said...

Actually Spuyton Duyvil sounds like one of these captchaz.

McFly said...

Could you please send me that Got Drunk on Margaritas and Fell Asleep on the Beach Ken? It will complete my collection. The box, too.

RoadQueen said...

Podio kisses to those who are now head and shoulders above the rest XO

RCT: The biscuit comment. Made me LOL

dancesonpedals said...

Vizzini:Spuyton Duyvil!

Inego Montoya: You keep on using that word...I don't thionk it means what you think it means

dancesonpedals said...

i do not thonk it means what you think it means

dop said...

oh the hell with it

essivita toises

Roille Figners said...

I AM THE SPUYTON DUYVIL!!

I WILL TUYK YOUR SUYL!!!

BOW DUYN BEFUYR MUY!!



Sending a biscuit is perfectly natural but please don't nobody send a Bizkit -- I'll return that shit!

mikeweb said...

That shufflebored club is a couple blocks from where I live.

So let me get this straight: last year there was a millionaire who wanted to give money to pay for the entire construction of a velodrome in Brooklyn bridge park, but the locals were all like *grumble* traffic *grumble* an 'obscure' sport, etc. etc.

Now some idiot with money has built shuffleboard courts(?!?) in what looks to be a huge space that could easily house, oh I don't know, a velodrome? I assume he actually expects to make money?

Ken said...

Say what you will about my man nub. When a 14 year old girl wants to experiment and is curious who do you think she turns to? Some big donkey dong or my non invasive man mound for maximum grind time? Kennys got your back Chloe......

mikeweb said...

So this recent winter storm was named for Martin Anus?

That's quite an honor.

Guy 1: "Let's have a toast!"
Guy 2: "What shall we toast to?"
Guy 3: "To honor."
All together: "To honor!"
Guy 3: "If you can't come in her, come on her."

Dooth said...

Walentas...Dumbo...sounds like a freakin circus.

Anonymous said...

BIKE SNOB IS A LOSER BIKING GIVES LOWERS YOUR SPERM COUNT AND GIVES YOU BALL CANCER

dancesonpedal said...

Great moments in the history of the urethra..

1) Archimedes while sitting in the bathtub is asked by his masseuse where she should begin URETHRA!!

2)Urethra Fraklin sings respect

3)Urethra Franklin sings 'Natural Woman'

4) Urethra Franklin covers 'Walk on By' with the same band and back up vocals as Dionne Warwick and kills it

5) 'My name is Urethra Meatus...you killed my father..prepare to die

Andrew Talansky said...

I feel genuine boner towards Di Luca. He's a hairless laying funbag making sexy statements that excite the sport I love.

crosspalms said...

There's a deli up the street that offers temperature soup when you buy a sandwich: Whatever the temp, that's what you pay. So when it's 60 degrees, the soup is 60 cents. Today it's minus 2, so you get the soup free plus 2 cents back. This has virtually nothing to do with today's post, so I guess it's my negative 2 cents worth.

JLRB said...

Mikeweb

I think you nailed the next poseur sport - bicycle-shuffleboard - the indoor version of bike polo -

Usually when pushing biscuits while riding a bike - you have to move to the back of the peloton and wait until no spectators are around to avoid a fine, but not with indoor-shuffle-biscuit-bike

Roille Figners said...

Talansky sounds a lot like a certain former USPS rider and Oprah interviewee (before he found Jesus).

The gyno says he'll have to surgically remove

her nmeogra

DB said...

Nice, Crosspalms.

Mikeweb: package headed for destination. Excited to see Elma's work.

mikeweb said...

DB,

Excellent!

Anonymous said...

Ease up on the NY-centric bigotry, Snobby. You don't have to be from there to appreciate the proto-Freds' ride; "lunch and rest until 9:10" is impressive wherever you are. Especially for those of us for whom awaking at 9:10 is a grand adventure.

In any event, as NY cycling's leading annalist, it falls to you to replicate the 1894 wheelmen's epic ride and chronicle the exploit here on your BSNYC journal.

Riding a bike from the era and wearing period costume would be essential for reasons of authenticity and audience amusement. I look forward to seeing your dispatches.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

I remember a few years ago during rainstorm Jagoff, when my shoes got wet. The next year during windstorm Thurston, I flew a kite, named Sara, despite the weather alert, which was named Kenneth. In the morning, we had a sun shower named Murray, and then we waited for the sunshine, which was called Lou, to dry up the puddles, which all had names beginning with 'G'.

Anonymous said...

Ah, the Meadowbrook. Fond memories.

crosspalms said...

DB
I think DaddoOne just blew us all away

DB said...

CP:
I was just thinking the same thing.
Congrats. DaddoOne for Comment of the Day.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure no one got past the Brick Tavern.

trama said...

uh huh

trama said...

this post is just because

fecalls THE

wishiwasmerckx said...

ECDO, I don't know about all that, but I once had a fish named Wanda and a half-a-bee named Eric.

DB said...

Well.
You Canadians have had a big week.
First Robs Fords, then Justin Beaver and now the Ghost Ship full of Cannibal Rats.

Orangey Trump said...

Crosspalms @ 3:47: That business model is all ass backwards. How you gonna make a profit. They should apply that pricing strategy to selling Sno-cones.

The Skipper said...

Who cares about any of this anyway. Did you know that the real Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island is in Vancouver for their annual Boat Show! maybe Babs can get a picture with her.

JLRB said...

Anon @ 4:31

Did you notice the name of this blog?

Cadel"Chin Dent"Evans said...

AYHSMB

Grump said...

Take it easy on "Bib Short" guy. I'm sure that he's out there somewhere in the world, and gets slammed every time you post that photo (by someone like me).
On the other hand, keep it up. Maybe he's already killed himself from the constant embarrassment. (you can only die once)

Dave said...

You know the Cannibal Rats are entirely imaginary... No one is on the boat reporting on the Cannibal Rat situation. If there were any rats, for all we know they have broken into the cargo of salt pork and are living high on the hog. For all we know some quirky radiation leaked out of some mad-scientist's beaker on the boat and killed all the people but mutated the rats into a higher-than-human intelligence. For all we know the rats are sailing to the North Pole using a cloaking device, to infiltrate Robs Fords's's Fortress of Solitude and Cocaine, where they are planning to use his super-weapons to make us their slaves. I mean, more competent slaves than we are now. FOR ALL WE KNOW...

"Bikey" Is Portland For Cunt said...

Talansky is a fucking genius. How about his buddy Tom Danielson and the other scumbags?

How about the hero of "bikey" retards from Brooklyn to Portland, Jens Voight?

As for the other JV, what's his name... the asshole who used to write a shitty column full of LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES for Cycle Sport... (back when Cycle Sport was worth half-a-shit)...

No, he didn't profit too much from doping did he?

Credit Agricole will rise again!

McFly said...

Blue Dress Meteorologist has some Big-Ass Incognito Knockers....

I bet she let Al Roker motorboat them with his bald dome to get that job.

"Let's have a look at that warm front coming in shall we Katie....."

DB said...

Ha! Funny McFly.
Time to cram for the quiz.

JLRB said...

I am not going to ride until this sheet melts - new lobster gloves or not, I'm not playing

I am pussy hear me roar

CommieCanuck said...

Help me out here... how does one tell a ship of cannibalistic rats from every other cruise ship out there?

crosspalms said...

Orangey Trump,
I thought so too, but then I remembered you have to buy a sandwich before you get a crack at the soup. You can't walk in, get a free bowl of soup and 2 cents, then walk out.

initebr citrate, which is code for inebriate. count me in!

CommieCanuck said...

Robs Fords Fortress of Solitude and Fried Chicken, and Jamaican patties, irie mon!

(Robs got stuck in an elevator yesterday for an hour -wake up call!)

JB said...

Robs Fords stuck in an elevator? Is this a realty show where this is all staged. What's going on in America's combover?

JLRB said...

Hell = being stuck in an elevator with the Fordssss

Stewart was making fun of him the other night - showed the video of him slurring his speech in some fast food/donought shop

JLRB said...

ps - Was the door open and he was still stuck because, you know, dononooughts?

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