Monday, January 27, 2014

Cycling is a cesspool of depraved immorality. Which is why you need disc brakes.

Do you ever lie awake at night, tormented by the sorry state of humanity and the insurmountability of the world's problems?

Me neither.

That's why I don't care about bike theft.  Sorry, but of all the bad stuff that can happen to you, losing your bike is nothing.  Nothing!  Do you know what happens to you in India if you get gang-raped?  The village elders punish sentence you to a gang-raping.  So I'm supposed to care when someone's Surly gets stolen because there are still a few poor people who haven't been priced out of the neighborhood yet?

Whatever.

Nevertheless, tomorrow's entrepreneurs (or I guess today's entrepreneurs, I'm getting old so I forget that tomorrow is already here) are hard at work on the problem of ending bike theft, and here's a new technology that guaranteed not to make a dent in it whatsoever:



Just ask Nate, Atlanta cyclist and Linux devotee, who has round glasses and a beard:


Then immediately walk away, because life's too short to listen to a lecture about Linux.

Anyway, according to the people behind the Bike Index, nobody wants to buy a stolen bike, even though they often have the opportunity to do so at fabulous prices:


And to that I say, "Don't worry about it."  For example, nearly 20 years ago now, a very anxious person approached me on the streets of Brooklyn with a racing bicycle that was clearly not his.  Nevertheless, while he didn't understand the bicycle's clipless pedals and appeared to be under the impression that they were regular pedals that had broken, he was savvy enough to recognize me as a bicycle aficionado (for I was riding one at the time), and thus he offered me the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to acquire "his" bike with the "broken" pedals for the price of $20.

So does the fact that I declined make me a better person?

No it does not--mostly because the only reason I declined was that I was already riding a bike, and had I attempted to transport both bikes home the very same person probably would have jumped me three blocks later for both of them and I'd have wound up with no bikes, just like that dog in the fable who tries to steal the bone from his own reflection.

Otherwise, I'd have been wise to capitalize on a stranger's misfortune, inasmuch as the misfortune of strangers is the driving force behind the American economy.  And who am I to defy the American economy?

What do I look like, a communist?



Furthermore, assuming people are criminals just because they have runny noses, they're looking over their shoulders every four seconds, and the $5,000 bicycle they're attempting to sell you for $35 is nine sizes too large for them is just the sort of judgmental thing someone in Portland or San Francisco would do.  Here in New York we're much more open-minded.  We don't just assume people are thieving drug addicts.  Maybe the guy just has a cold and he needs to sell the bike fast in order to fund treatment of a medical disorder that's causing him to shrink.  Who am I to deny someone in need?  Am I supposed to refuse and refer him to the Obamacare website?  By the time he actually manages to log on he will have shrunk down to nothing!  I'm doing a mitzvah, for Chrissake!*

*[Strictly speaking, I'm not sure you can actually do a mitzvah for Christ's sake.]

Furthermore, it's just like these liberal clods to expect you to give money to the needy for nothing, yet when a destitute person is giving you a perfectly serviceable bicycle in return, not only are you supposed to refuse them, but you're also supposed to totally "narc" on them and call the cops.

Of course, the Bike Index is going to put an end to all of this, because it will permanently save your bike's serial number:



Which I guess is useful, unless the thief removes the serial number, in which case all of this is moot--though obviously if you buy a bike with a serial number that has been ground off you can't really delude yourself into believing that the bike wasn't actually stolen, which is the most essential part of the buying-a-stolen-bike process.  Another tip-off that the bicycle you just bought may have been stolen is if it has been hastily spray-painted and is shaped exactly like a Citi Bike:


(Spotted by a reader in Brooklyn)

To be honest, I was mostly kidding about the whole "buying a stolen bike is no big deal" thing.  I wouldn't really do it.  Mostly it's just fun to say because it gets people annoyed--sort of like pushing the cat into a full bathtub, which I do all the time because it's hilarious, especially if you also coat the sides of the tub with Vaseline so the cat can't get out.  I will say though without even a hint of sarcasm that I would have absolutely no problem buying a stolen Citi Bike, because I mean come on, it's a fucking bank.  Other stolen bicycles I'd have no problem buying because the owner is corrupt would be:

--Any bicycle stolen from a Pro Tour team;
--Any stolen Budnitz (though the creaking serves as a built-in alarm);
--Any stolen bicycle with the word "Roubaix" in the name that is not a Specialized, because Specialized owns the name, concept and spelling of the word "Roubaix," and how dare anybody do anything that might eat into the profits of the Specialized Corporate Bike-Designing Concern, Inc., including using it as the name of a town in France.

So yes, I'm against stealing bikes, and buying stolen ones, and all the other things that harsh hapless hipsters' mellows, but I still think there's humor in it--just as I'm against doping but still think there's humor in it, especially when the doper is a Cat 3 in his late 30s and the "sport" is cyclocross:



Baker was taking synthetic testosterone in a therapeutic dose under the care of a physician and although he disclosed that information during the sample collection, he did not follow the Therapeutic Use Exemption (TUE) requirements prior to competing.

There was a time when cyclocross was a respite from the sort of weenie-ism that infests the amateur road bike racing scene, but I think it's fair to say at this point that those days are over.  Some of the comments on the article are pretty amusing, too:

Dan Baker simply was unaware of the rules, end of story. No excuse, to be sure, but he was simply taking his doctor's advice. He is a great guy and as a Cat 3 really just races for fun. I don't think he's won much, if anything, and doesn't value winning over all else like some racers. This isn't a story about doping, it's a story of not knowing the rules.

Is it even possible in 2014 (or 2013, which is when this happened) to not know there's a rule against racing your bike while taking testosterone?  Also, he may be a guy who "really just races for fun," but he did finish 8th on the second day of racing at Gloucester, which is where he turned in the positive sample.  The Cat 3 race at Gloucester is basically the World Championship of Sandbagging, so it's pretty laughable that someone who's taking testosterone and finishing top 10 in that field has no idea what he's doing.  He may indeed have fun racing his bike, but there's a big difference between doing the Cross Crusade in a dress while taking beer hand-ups and finishing 8th place at Gloucester on testosterone--even if you are a New Englander.

I wonder if this guy also didn't know the rules:

LeDuc, 62, tested positive for the presence of a steroid of exogenous origin, recombinant human erythropoietin (“rhEPO”) and amphetamine, a prohibited stimulant, as the result of an in-competition urine sample collected on September 6, 2013 at the Masters Road National Championships in Bend, Ore. Anabolic Androgenic Steroids, rhEPO, and amphetamines are all prohibited under the USADA Protocol for Olympic and Paralympic Movement Testing and the UCI Anti-Doping Rules, both of which have adopted the World Anti-Doping Code (“Code”) and the World Anti-Doping Agency Prohibited List.

That is one doped-up master.

Lastly, speaking of not knowing what you're doing, Klaus of Cycling Inquisition forwarded me this:


The summary is as follows:

New cyclist buys Gatorskin tires;
New cyclist unwittingly installs tires inside-out;
New cyclist destroys tires in short order:


Installing your tires inside-out by accident seems even more unlikely than racing your bike on testosterone by accident--though I suppose it's possible if you're taking a lot of banned substances.

93 comments:

Weed said...

The Early Bird Gets The Weed

Anonymous said...

First finger!

flyover bc said...

podium

RoadQueen said...

Here!

Anonymous said...

Dam.

theEel said...

weed.

shuffle, bored said...

vortex on the toilet

Tetanus the Clown said...

Top Ten

Anonymous said...

I installed by scranus inside out... what do I do now?

Bible Thumper said...

Matthew 5:17

Jesus said "Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill.

McFly said...

My bathtub was already coated in Vaseline. But thanks for the heads up.

Anonymous said...

Garbage barge!

Anonymous said...

OOooooooooooh! Top X !!

Comment deleted said...

Mitzvahs for Christ! Mitzvahs for Christ! Just step in the van, little boy ...

Perenium said...

gotta love that pie plate on the surly crosscheck too.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

That's Nora Eprons sister's citibike.

3G said...

I've done some pretty stupid shit to my bike, and, installed some shit so wrong, I'm surprised I didn't die...but that is just fucking insane.

RoadQueen said...

Oh for Christsakes.

Rules, schmooles. Haven't we learned anything?

Freddy Murcks said...

Pocket pussy.

commenda iquidfs

Mr Plow said...

I am against bike theft if it involves my bicycle being stolen. Other than that I'm not too concerned. I guess that makes me a bad communist. Although I do enjoy naked laughing

mikeweb said...

That's not a stolen Citibike. It's a Citibike that's been converted for use by Mennonites.

Mr Plow said...

Fun fact: 92% of Linux users ride recumbents! Look it up!

Kenny Banya said...

LeDouche

Anonymous said...

Pie Plate Porno !

vsk

commentatorbot_92743 said...

The Cat 3 race at Gloucester is basically the World Championship of Sandbagging

haha. An auspicious occasion that's repeated at every no-name bike race in Canada's scranus.

Just one of the fundamental reasons competitive cycling bike racing will never rise out of it's tiny, dope infested, sinkhole of a niche.

Another reason, USAC's nationwide policy of pulling lapped riders in all categories. Nothing like paying for 45 minutes of torture and only getting 20 to grow the sport.

flyover bc said...

You can tell that guy is a communist because he lives in a country where they still have no plumbing, indoor or out (i.e. they still $hyte in buckets.

Yarpo said...

The Burly Weed Gets The Turd!

sepals tsshgra....like Shimano Tiagra, only with more tssh!

JLRB said...

Hey buddy, would you like to buy a bike real cheap?

Life is a carnival...

Daniel Baker III said...


My doctor said it was ok to be a little testi

Anonymous said...

at least it's not blue. that epron cunt will be happy.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

PC user here.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Windows user I guess I should say.

DB said...

I'm wondering about living in a place where if you spend ten minutes outside you can die and if you travel by car you should take a winter survival kit.
To my California friends: we have water, but it's 75 degrees warmer where you live.
You win.

babble on said...

Shoulda been a professional racer... I can dope and be dopey with the best of em.

rural 14 said...

rural 1st!
How about a bike race with different categories for different drugs?
Quaalude category
Ambien snacking Category
Speedball category
etc.
I'd pay to see that.

CommieCanuck said...

Yes comrades, that pic is of me and the missus testing an early prototype of defecation sandals for the people.

We failed because, Donald Trump.

babble on said...

I cycle therefore I dope.

Or maybe we could just declare a clean category for the liars and everyone else can ride in the outlaw class.

Anonymous said...

http://www.bikesportmichigan.com/features/saddlecomfort-06/12saddlecomfort.jpg

CommieCanuck said...

I can't figure out exactly how a guy could mount his tires inside out, but this does kinda explain his six illegitimate children.

BKWD CNDM

Buffalo Bill said...

I'm not sure you can actually do a mitzvah for Christ's sake.

I think Sarah would know.

I'll pray for an answer.

balls™ said...

Did you ever think of using a bigger font? Some of us are getting old, you know.

I've never run over a groundhog, but I once wrecked a beaver.

ken e. said...

one email later, and I am off the back!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Balls, try "ctrl +."

You're welcome.

jay said...

it could happen

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...is mounting your tires on backwards akin to mounting a horse backwards?

Anonymous said...

Who knew Reddit had a cycling section; I never checked.

It was there that I learned by predicaments of ruining a new tire by installing it incorrectly--using tire levers to install and therefore strip the rubber from the wire, causing an immediate blowout upon inflation.

Yet another person had a similar embarrassing mishap, which I failed to notice until others were chuckling at me during my "break" at beer/food spot along my biking route.

Cheers to the learning curve.

BamaPhred said...

Hairy tires. Ive done some stoopid backwards stuff in my life, but that is really a new one.

Anonymous said...

Anon @2:36

At least he's not wearing the bib straps OVER a t-shirt. How gauche.


robo test: esBrazi Perry. If it's Katy Perry you want me to esBrazi, then sign me up.

Roille Figners said...

Like whether you KNOW the rules or not, somehow matters AT ALL? (Like cyclocross doping matters AT ALL? (Like cyclocross matters AT ALL?))

All The Black People In Portland said...

I only steal cargo bikes! Someday I hope to carry Jens Voigt's drug filled coffin in one... Oooh, "bikey"!!

wishiwasmerckx said...

"A horse is dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle."

-Road Queen

Dooth said...

I still miss my stolen bike
It was such a sweet ride
I'll put on a brave face, if you like
But I'm crying inside

If I find the bastard who stole it
I'm chopping off his Index finger.

JLRB said...

It is better to install a tire inside out then to install it with the tread facing the wrong direction

JLRB said...

Babs - Finally got around to looking up the RUE Tea - sounds like a bad idea, especially the cramming it in your ear (that is reserved for little pink lego bikes with little pink plastic dopers)

What is it used for?
In traditional healing practices, Rue tea has been used to promote menstruation, against hypertension and to treat hysteria. Crushed rue leaves are placed in the ear canal to relieve ear aches and headaches. Due to its toxicity, the use of this plant is now considered obsolete by modern scientific herbalism (phytotherapy).

Safety/Precautions
•Do not use in combination with Strava.

Salty and Sore said...

...Does it still count as doping in Bend, Oregon, if you install your anabolic steroids, EPO, HGH, and THC inside out?

Hey! I think I just cured cancer!

Take that, USe-sADA!

Salty and Sore said...

@balls 1:56

To see how amazingly web-talented the Wildcat Rock Machine can be, Hit (CTRL) and (+) at the same time.

Isn't WRM just awesome for allowing this bloggy-thing to do that?

Peace.

Now, hit (CTRL) and (-) at the same time. I think they also call that BASEBALL.

Anonymous said...

Penny Rimbaud isn't a communist, neither is Gee.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:42pm,

Thank you for taking that literally.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

RoadQueen said...

WIWM: To that, I say....

"NEIGH!"

:)

balls™ said...

Yes... thanks to all those here filling me in on "Ctrl +". If it weren't for IT always resetting everything, Chrome would actually remember that I want this blog to appear larger. But, since the running (for some of us) joke is that we aren't getting our money's worth from this free blog, I suggested our esteemed host take care of that for ME.

Now, as for use of "Ctrl +" I'm going to suggest the wife try it at home tonight.

(For the benefit of the literalists in the audience, That's called self-deprecating humor and not necessarily an admission of a lack of male enhancement in the kuku penthouse).

dancesonpedals said...

Yo JLRB...

I get the feeling that after last week's adventure by Babs at vancouver general, folks on this blog aren't exactly lining up to take that sh*t...

On the other hand promoting menestration sounds interesting...maybe it could be marketed to guys who want to get out of gym

JLRB said...

dances -

You might be on to something - time to market a male kotex to go with it

On Babs - you really think the commentariat will let a little laptop biscuit ruin the fantasies?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...where's db to call out comment winners today?

...i'd suggest a string: my question (at 2:29), followed by wishiwasmerckx's answer on behalf of Queenie (at 2:58), and Queenie's re(butt)al (at 4:05).

...giddyup!!!

Roille Figners said...

For no reason at all:

DEUCE

Matt said...

The worst part of installing the tires inside out is the difficulty in aligning the label with the valve.

babble on said...

Lol! I didn't put it anywhere near my ear! And yes, I realise that I should never have listened to my friend without first checking with my naturopath. He swore that it had a profound anti-inflammatory effect in conjunction with the other herbs in his concoction. Never mind it took two hours to brew the bloody poison, and my guts have NOT been the same since...

And what kind of communist pinches off a biscuit-loaf without a healment and flashing lights?

babble on said...

Er... and it's hard enough to put the gatorskins on a rim the right way round - how the fuck did he DO that?

Grump said...

Snobby, why do you assume that a ground off serial number means that the bike is stolen. Haven't you ever crashed into a belt sander??

McFly said...

You should come visit Babble. I will mix you up a special drink.

Hey what happens to you when you black out drunk is none of your business.

Be Wear said...

Forget the crazy tea that inside out duder needs some Gatoraid.

Steve Barner said...

I helped a cycist out with a flat last year and wondered if the tire was some kind of experimental thing, since it had no label or markings and was unlike any tire I had ever seen before. It wasn't until I got the tire off that I realized it had been installed inside out. Luckily, it was in much better shape than the one in the pic. The cyclist said they had fixed a flat in the rain on a long ride a few days before and was pretty out of it at the time.

The Gas Man said...

Everyone else's farts are rancid....but mine smell amazing.

DB said...

Sorry, Serial:
Busy day. You can do honors today, although I thought Grump finished things off pretty good at 7:17.

Dave said...

It's an old custom: backwards day. Install your tires inside out, wear your clothes inside out and backwards, eat the banana peel and throw the banana on the ground, ride your bike to work sitting on the handlebars, looking through your front-view mirror on your backward helmet, while reciting the Lobs Prayer backwards. When Satan appears to drag you away, shout "towseNe Malees!" Which in backwards robot lingo means, "Aroint thee, foul Being!"

dancesonpedals said...

Gatorskins are like underpants...you can take them off and put them back on inside out and you can wear them another 2 days

Anonymous said...

Mcfly's creepy rape comment is creepy/rapey. cut it out duder.

Anonymous said...

May or May not have been mcFly. May have been same "duder" that used that term in the v following post, and the complaining one. Fox who smelt it

MitchMFC said...

Love the article, thanks !

ben said...

Fuji "owns" Roubaix in America. Specialized pays money to them to use it. other people don't pay shit, so they don't get to use it. what if someone opened the "coca-cola cafe"? no letter saying change your name would show up at their door?

Liz said...

Wow, you must really hate cats.

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McFly said...

Prrrrrrreeettyy sure you dont have to render Babs unconscious for epic sexy times. But I could be wrong. Because I have not been once (ONNN SAYYY) this year. So I am due.

BikeSnobNYC said...

ben,

You didn't follow the Cafe Roubaix story too closely, did you?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JB said...

I'm very sure that unconsciousness and epic sexy times are mutually exclusive.

mikeweb said...

I'm usually unconcious right after epic sexy-times.

SEXX COMA

JB said...

I can picture Snobby now: furiously typing out his Pete Seeger tribute weblog.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That's pretty funny JB. Good one.

Top said...

Lanterne rouge, n'est-ce pas?

dancesonpedals said...

BSNYC is like the NY Times...all the obits are written long in advance & he just puts in the dates

ttawee cannot

Deke Keener said...

Where the hell is the "like" button on this thing? Best post EVER.

Anonymous said...

I bought a stolen bike once. Tried to get it back to the person. Just wanted my $25 for a $1300 ride. Rode it for about 4 months. Then got WASTED & lost it. & my lock. Oh well.

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