Thursday, October 3, 2013

Bikes Vs. Cars: The Musical!

Yesterday's post elicited the following comment:

Anonymous said...


I'm sure you're well aware your country is in terminal decline and the current shutdown will one day soon be permanent.

All your bridges will be trashed for scrap metal, tunnels will be flooded and boats will be commandeered by the rich to escape to Canada.

When that day comes, the only way to cross your waterways will be on that bicycle/pontoon thing.

Laugh at Water Fred now if you must, but it'll be Water Fred who's laughing all the way to the other side of the river when the shoe is on the other foot.

OCTOBER 2, 2013 AT 5:28 PM

You better believe I'm aware.  That's why I moved to the mainland.  Once the infrastructure crumbles completely (I give it six months) I'm fairly sure I could ride to Canada from here without any water crossings.

But yeah, bummer about the government shutdown, especially the National Parks.  I visited one yesterday and it's really depressing.  With their paychecks frozen the animals just sit around smoking cigars and playing cards:

Pretty mangy-looking critters.  Maybe instead of futzing around all day they should sign up for some Obamacare.

Speaking of the collapse of civilization and of Canada (who really has the most at stake from this government shutdown, since when our country finally implodes we're going to be pouring over your border like water over our failing levees), I was perusing the Kickstarter and came upon this frontrunner for a Smuggie Award:

It's called "BIKES vs. CARS," and even though it wasn't the apocalyptic action movie I was hoping for I did enjoy the Robs Fords porn.  Also, check out this Canadian doing the whole James Bondian deadly-apparatus-slowly-making-its-way-toward-crotch thing:

(When saying "please" and "thank you" fails, Canadians take passivity to the next level.)

Someone really should make a "bikes vs. cars" action movie though, and they need to cast one or both of the Robs Fords as a suppervillain named Tim Horton.

("Suppervillian" was an honest-to-Satan typo but after I made it I realized it was totally appropriate.)

But while many cities in North America take cutesy half-measures like painting lines on the street to pretend they're bicycle-friendly, Calcutta is just saying "screw it" and banning the fucking things:

As you can imagine, their reasoning is quite sound:

"There is just not enough space for all kind of vehicles," says Dilip Kumar Adak, deputy commissioner of the city's traffic police department.

"Cycles slow down traffic and removing them will make the streets safer and traffic speedier.

We're actually doing something similar here in New York City, whereby we're making the city more "livable" by failing to prosecute drivers who maim and kill and eliminating all the affordable real estate for the survivors.

Anyway, elsewhere on Kickstarter I saw this lock, which featured an intriguing sales pitch all the way from Tel Aviv:

First we see some bike thieves:

Obviously with their cocky demeanor, moussed hair, tank tops, gold chains, and cigarettes they're completely indistinguishable from typical everyday Israelis, so the obvious tipoff that they're bike thieves is that one of them is wearing a Band-Aid on his face:

It's amazing how the simple Band-Aid suddenly appears menacing when it's placed above the neck.

Next, they spot their quarry, who is a metaphor for the state of Israel itself:

Which, though small in size, does not hesitate to defend itself when set upon:

First, he takes his lock and whacks one of the thieves in the face:

That guy's going to need a Band-Aid.

Then, the thief attempts to stab the kid with a Henckels kitchen knife:

(Where the hell was that guy hiding the knife block?!?)

I was kind of hoping that after deflecting the blow with the lock the kid would fight foodie with foodie and crush his assailant's finger with a Williams-Sonoma garlic press, but instead he just strangles him:

(Pretty sure that kid's being played by Sacha Baron Cohen.)

All this from the mind of Mickey Shenkerman--who, if nothing else, has a great name for a guy who makes locks:

In fact, I think they screwed up big by calling this thing the "Foldylock," which is way too dainty, when they could have just called it the "Schenkerman," which is actually onomatopoetic and sounds like a lock closing:

Also, ironically, I'd say the ostensibly humorous Foldylock video makes an even more brazen and controversial geopolitical statement than the "BIKES vs. CARS" documentary.

Speaking of foodie street brawls, here's a Kickstarter for a bicycle touring cookbook:

For the beginner and expert alike, here are some of the things I share:

--A detailed list of cooking equipment and basic tools to bring along.

--Why you need a spice bag in your pantry, and how to make one.

--An explanation of staple ingredients to have on hand, how to use them, and how to fit them into a small space.

--Tips on how to "wing it" in the camp kitchen so you're not reliant on recipes.

--How to manage without counter space, refrigeration, or an oven.

Yeah, recipes, schmecipies.  Looks like a nice book, but can you please share how you find two years to fuck around in Europe cycling and cooking?  I mean come on!  Riding all day and cooking all day?  For people with actual jobs those are pretty much the first two activities to go.  Though I suppose the answer is obvious:

Launch a Kickstarter.

It's not even that they're young, either.  I was young once too, but I had to spend most of the day taking shit from people.  Meanwhile, she's riding around making fucking calzones:

Guess I was just Shenkermaned by the system.

Lastly, there's no more accurate barometer for a city's change than how its residents are using bikes and Craigslist in an attempt to hump each other.  Not too long ago it was all tattoos and fixies, and now it's cocktail dresses and Citi Bikes:

black dress, dropped bag, citibike - m4w (2nd ave bike path)

i was already admiring your cocktail party outfit in contrast to the citibike you were riding (thinking that not only did you have beautiful arms but that the thigh-highs were a totally excellent feature of my morning commute) when you dropped your bag in front of me. i scooped it up, along with the key that popped out of it, exchanged smiles with you and rode off laughing at the irate woman who was yelling at us for being in the crosswalk. kind of a nice little moment, so thanks for that. do you always dress that way while biking?

And the self-fellating cycle of life and self-absorption continues...


JB said...


hellbelly said...


mikeweb said...


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


Serial Retrogrouch said...

again coming up the rear... fcuk

Anonymous said...


Schisthead said...

The cycle of life is supposed to be self-fellating? I got gypped.

Dana said...

top ten Davis DBC

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Nothing to say since my name now says it all.

JB said...

Worst place to get stuck during a tweed ride: behind the guy on the tall bike. Time for a break-out, Madame.

Also, the CL lady was wearing a cocktail dress during morning commute? Hmmm.

mikeweb said...

I agree JB.

Was it an un-dock of shame?

RANTWICK said...

Robs Fords the poster-boy. At least I only live near Toronto. So very tired of that moron.

le Correcteur said...

top twenty elestrol 34

babble on said...

Um... haven't those locks been around for donkey's ears? The x-man has been using something remarkably similar for at least a year now.

babble on said...

Grouch... you sound like you're complaining. Coming in the rear isn't necessarily a bad thing, is it?

babble on said...

Yep. ++ JB... Cocktail dress and thigh highs in the morning? Gotta be the un-dock of shame.

Good on her.

I wonder if she was heading home or straight in to the office to share her exploits with the girls around the water cooler.

Jan! said...

I presume "Suppervillian" was an honest-to-Satan typo for "suppervillain".

Yours truly,

Obnoxious commentator

McFly said...

That Foldylocks Movie was awesome. AND IT'S RUST FREE. Because blood.

leroy said...

My dog assures me that it's inevitable that while riding a Citibike someone will cast pearls before me.

It must be because they go with black cocktail dresses.

Anonymous said...

Brilliantly written

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hey I saw that fox on the news! That little asshole was on a golf course stealing the balls right off the green.

Marcel Da Chump said...


edible_fungus_eater said...

undock of shame


You should patent that because it's GOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDD!

Robot stack failure

Anonymous said...

Livable Humiliation

Anonymous said...

Babble - the "x-man" - did i miss the memo?

I'm getting a little tired of being shoaled at cross walks by an increasing number of people on Citibikes only to have to ride around them 15 feet later as they clumsily pedal the 50lb monstrosity in the wrong gear. There is a fucking reason that I'm stopped before the crosswalk you fucking clueless ahole. Nice cocktail dress though.

Anonymous said...

"Coming in the rear" can be a very bad thing, did you not see Hangover Part Deux? Jeesh, am I the only one around here with a little culture?

Comment deleted said...

Nobody rides a bike in Calcutta anymore. It's too crowded.

the Jimboner said...


Ass Pony said...

Neigh Cleveland!

Etherhuffer said...

More humor or we will Shenkerman you.

crosspalms said...

Flipping a garlic press one-handed in a menacing manner was the first thing they taught us in Urban Ninja School. Week 2 was the Chris King espresso tamper.

71 arttini -- gin, not vodka, of course

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Sweet Podio today. Shenkerman Cronuts for all!

Vernal Magina said...

i wonder if the Anonymous Snobby in the lede was none other than Geddy Lee.

If so, I guess the hand is on the other foot now...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Foldylocks and the Three Bears.

ChamoisJuice said...

Growing up as a young shit head is upstate NY, I'd generally go to the city 15-20 times a year to go to Yankee or Met games, Bronx Zoo, Met, Ellis Island, Brooklyn Kid's Museum, Gugenheim, etc. You know, all the world famous cultural destinations, that "real new yorkers" never go to, cuz there are too many tourists.

As a teenager, I'd take the bus or the train down with my art/music dork friends, depending on which side of the river I'd start on. We'd mostly go to Washington Square to buy jamaican trees, go to records stores, cool thrift stores, and go to shows. I spent about every other weekend dinking around Manhattan.

I honestly only rode my bike in the city a few times. I was an extremely angry young man (had not figured out how to talk to girls, yet), and directed my anger towards "the system". One of my friends volunteered at an anarchist bookstore in Alphabet City, and I rode down there a few times to hang out and read Abbie Hoffman. I was listening to way to much Dead Kennedy's and Rage Against the Machine. Everyone is retarded at 16, I have no shame about this.

As I got better at street riding, I got bored of scratching up the same private property in my town, and started making missions to Union Square, Brooklyn Banks, and exploring back alleys looking for "spots" to get rad on.

I couple of people have said I have Tourette's. I don't. My best friend does, though. He doesn't do the typical "shit-cock-ass-fucker" thing, rather gets little tics, and gets over excited and goes crazy when he gets worked up. He kept getting kicked out of one school after the next. By the time he was in high school, he was in serious delinquent school; with kids that grew up in group homes, violence problems, selling drugs on corners, carrying weapons. Part of what I like about him; besides being fucking hilarious, with an amazing ability to ape anyone's dialect, was the crazy situations I would get in when I hung out with him.

He had one white girlfriend. She was the friend of the girl I was messing around with. My girl was kind of fat and had a big nose, but she had huge tits and was pretty cute. There were no redeeming features about the friend. She was busted and had an unpleasant personality. After this, tourette's man went to minorities ONLY.
First was Renose, a Haitian girl, prolly 165 lbs, and built like a corner back. She was very confusing to me, as she was sooo powerful, and I figured she could prolly kick my ass, but really had an amazing ass and legs. "I am attracted to this woman. Does that make me gay??" I spend a good amount of time in her shitty apartment, with the other 12 people in her family. She also took us to a dancehall party in a basement it the hood, that was pretty wild as a sheltered upstate, son of an apple farmer.

A mexican, then an indian (with a dot, not a feather), a regular african-american black, and then he went asian and never looked back. He lives in Bangkok, now, and makes more money than anyone I know. He owns two jewelry factories: one cuts diamonds, the other does gold and silver work. He manufactures for Saks 5th Ave, Vera Wang, others. I will give you ONE guess what his ethnicity is?

BikeSnobNYC said...


Oh my god you suck.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

anonymoose said...

@ChamoisJuice; and now, you're an OLD shithead. Fuck off. Get your own blog.

Regular guy said...

Yesterday everyone was lined up for Crow nuts, (pickled, roasted, fried?) now some foodie says you need a spice bag in your panties?

Jeez, I can't keep up. That is why I just don't care which place I finish in your stupid comment section competition.

McFly said...

Beautiful Arms are the new black.

BamaPhred said...

Fondling my Schenkerman

RoadQueen said...

JB, Way to be in it to win it! Muah!

hellbelly and Mikeweb, nice second and third step wins! XOXO

As far as Cars vs Bikes vs etc, why the fuck can't we all just get along.

Why does everyone have to go out to try to piss off/maim/kill/otherwise misuse the rest of the population?

Have we human beings become so completely self-absorbed that we can no longer "walk a mile in their shoes"????

All this lovely BSNYC news is turning me into a raging hippie.

"Everybody get together try and love one another right now"


McFly said...

Oh come on now RQ you know you've been misused once or thrice and enjoyed the heck out of it.

I know I know you plead the 5th.

5th of Wild Turkey.

RoadQueen said...

Wild Turkey is the most vile thing that has ever briefly passed between my lips.

It took one sip of that shit to cure me for life. I swear to Lob it knocked the wind out of me and I couldn't breathe for a good solid 30 seconds. That was back when I was a young'un, to boot!

Now that I'm old, I'm considerably more sissified. I don't do liquor at all. Much.

My mother's home made Brandy, and an occasional Lemon Drop.

Otherwise, it's beer etc for me.

McFly said...

Oh nice I see you attended KillJoke University.

Jan! said...

Wildcat Rock Machine, any (shredding) thoughts on the "Lucas Brunelle goes to Africa":

My initial impression: quadruple teenager unable to adapt to other landscapes and cultures treats every road everywhere as your typical Williamsburg street.

You were right all those years ago about the cross bike being the new fixie, obviously. Though Brunelle proves you don't need a fixie to needless ruin tyres by skidding.

Anonymous said...

Hey! I thought we were going to be sipping Wild Turkey around the bonfire during retirement in Tennessee worshiping the ladies. Is it beer now

Anonymous said...

Schenkerman's a great lock-maker name, Mickey not so much, but I'm lovin' the Revenge of the Nebbish video. Actually I take it back, Schenkerman's a bad name because in German I think "schenk" is "gift" or whatnot, so it's like The Giftgiver Lock, as in "Please enjoy this free bike."

Meanwhile: Calzones on the road, are you serious? I think if you wanna eat foods as complex as a calzone what you wanna do is go ahead and stay home (where the kitchen is). Be practical, people! COME ON!

g. said...

DB, is there any reason we can't do both?

etherhuffer said...

So why has no one done a kickstarter to make a bicycle oven run off a bottle generator so you can make calzone as you ride? I mean, it makes so much sens..oh never mind...

ChamoisJuice said...

I don't like most people. Regardless, where they come from.

I honestly, really enjoy being exposed to different cultures, food, music, fashion. I miss Haitians. I miss Hasidim. PNW is pretty goddamn white, and primarily the type of white people that abandon their traditional culture and religion, and embrace the P.C. "Williamsburg / Portland/ Austin" approach to diversity. Abandoning your cultural traditions, latching on to fads and fleeting political ideals.

We do have lots of East Asians, Russians and Native Americans. We also got lots of loggers, fisherman, mountain man typa white people. These folks are a lot smarter than city folk give them credit for. They just have different environments and influences that shape them.

I miss the diverse immigrant culture of NYC area. With segregated neighborhoods, where people hold onto their languages, cultures and traditions. Sadly, it seems as though the city is moving more toward the inclusive, Williamsburg style diversity.

I have spend a good portion of my life seeking adventures, thrills, new and "dangerous" experiences. I have always enjoyed hanging out with poor people from backgrounds different than mine. Maybe, it's cuz I don't feel like I fit in very well with people from my own background?
Haitians don't give a fuck if you make fun of them for eating chicken bones and wearing their pants high. They think it's funny. People are different, it's funny, get over it.

In my opinion, educated white people are the most condescending, elitist, and yes "RACIST" group in America today. So uncomfortable with their own prejudice, that they have gone to the opposite, absurd extreme.

RoadQueen said...

DB - You men can drink whatever you like, dear. As long as there are ample Ales for myself and anyone that cares to partake, all's good.

g. - I like the way you think.

Dimo said...

I'm certainly not against competition, but why would you make a kickstarter for a copy of an existing product with no noticeable improvements?

In fact, ABUS makes that very lock, and from what I could see, the "Foldylock" was identical down to the holder...

PS: I have one of those foldable locks and they suck! You think it's cool while messing with it in the store, but once you start using it, all you get is frustration of trying to solve a puzzle every time you need to lock your bike. The thing is never long enough!

CommieCanuck said...

What is is that people eat that makes them evil?

I must be corn-on-the-cob or something, because bad guys are always seen before the evil act picking their teeth. And whatever it is, it's boiled, because they get hot and take off their shirts, but not too hot, which is why they leave on the under-shirt.

Definitely corn-on-the-cob. I'm glad we banned it in 1986.

I need a new phone, but I'm Shenkermanned to this fucking three year contract.

CommieCanuck said...

Actually I take it back, Schenkerman's a bad name because in German I think "schenk" is "gift" or whatnot, so it's like The Giftgiver Lock, as in "Please enjoy this free bike."

You could sharpen on side of it on a concrete floor, hide it up your ass, and call it the Shankerman.
Just spitballin'.

CommieCanuck said...

I don't like most people. Regardless, where they come from.

I'm sure the feeling, is mutual.

Dooth said...

There must be a portable toilet crammed into the pannier of that cycle tourist gourmand.

Anonymous said...

Actually, I like the idea of a spice bag your panties

Anonymous said...

Whom can the Suppervillians call when a suppervillain threatens Supperville?

McFly said...

Sounds great. I like my ale like I like my ass. Thick and wet.

With a little bit of head.

Dooth said...

Thick and wet is exactly what my ass would be after eating a calzone during a ride.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

RQ - The experience you describe is the typical "first taste of hard liquor." They don't call it soft liquor. The Indians in corny Westerns call it fire water. And if there's one person I trust, it's a Hollywood Indian from a corny Western.

You gotta get past all that, is my point. If you stop at the first sip, what have you got? You think I quit smoking after that first hacking, raw-throated coughing debacle? You think I listened to my body's attempt to reject that shit? Hell no! Stupid weak body! You think I quit whoring my ass out just because that first time I felt all sexually confused and broken inside? No way!

Anonymous said...

Drink is your choice.
I'm trying to perfect weed foam for my cocktails.

Etherhuffer said...

@commie canuck
Already a movie, The Shenkshaft Redemption.

Freddy Murcks said...

CJ said: "I don't like most people. Regardless, where they come from."

That's good, because EVERYBODY hates your living fucking guts regardless of where you come from. Go leave comments at the National Front, asshole.


546 ruldsgri

Anonymous said...


Ron Paul said...

Rollie, you've renewed my faith in humanity, and hard likker 'n whorein'! Hey, CJ, suck my balls, you fucking attention whore!

JLRB said...

How many cyclistses has Robs Fords eatens to grow so large?

The film makers are stealing your old work Snobber

Freddy Murcks said...

CJ - They'll love your stupid racist shit over at the National Front. And when you aren't writing stupid, racist screeds, you can tell the the skinheads all about how their jackboots are too tall or how they laced them incorrectly or how they are wearing they aren't wearing their suspenders the right way. Trust me, they'll love you.

54a hatnism

Mr Plow said...

Even your typos are working for you. Seems like the satan worship is paying off.

JLRB said...

skip the bicycle camp cook book - here is all you need:

why bother with energy drinks when you can just gnaw on some animal carcass sprinkled with meth

Serial Retrogrouch said...


I don't like most people. Regardless, where they come from.

I'm sure the feeling, is mutual.

that is comment, gold sir.

JB said...

Please don't feed the trolls.

ChamoisJuice said...

Yes, I'm racist. That's why my best friend is jewish and married to a thai. That's why I have put my penis in more minorities than you have invited over for dinner. It's why I go out of my way to visit 3rd world countries, to see how people really live.

Fuck, you're daft. If you haven't figured it out yet, the people I dislike most, ARE EDUCATED WHITE PEOPLE WHO THINK THEIR BELIEFS ARE SUPERIOR to the "common" man.
Your value systems and influences are different than mine. "Better" is adsurd.

If you also haven't figured it out, this whole "chamoisjuice" persona, IS A SELF AWARE EXAGERATION AND MAKING FUN OF MYSELF.
In real life, I have made real efforts to be nice, turn the other cheek, strive for positivity. I think all men battle with good vs. bad, compassion vs self interest.

I vent online to uptight roadies I don't know. Seems alot healthier to me than releasing aggression on people in real life.

Anonymous said...

I don't mean to dampen the festivities, but the Shenkerman seems a pretty good idea.

I'm not a metallurgist or an expert in clasping security devices, but that thing looks like it would be harder to break than cables or U-locks and easier to store and carry as well.

I wouldn't contribute to the Shitkicker campaign though, just wait until the Chinese make a cheap generic knockoff.

The Anti-CJ said...

I love people. I love diversity. I love the world. I love bikes. I love loving lovers loving love. I love that we are all related, having the same origin of species. The same DNA. We share the same DNA. There's no white DNA, black DNA, red DNA... All the same.

The Anti-CJ said...

Therefore, the term "minorities" is mute, and speciously pejorative.

Thomas Jefferson said...

I knocked-up my minority slaves, therefore I wasn't racist.

Anonymous said...

the foldylock looks to be the same as an ABUS Bordo folding bike lock.

what's up with that?

Kunta Kinte said...

My great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great....great grand father knocked up Thomas Jefferson's and everyone's mother, brother.

Big Charlie said...

The market has spoken, in that people are already unloading their gravel bikes, of which most normal people have not yet heard.

251 byFamor

ChamoisJuice said...

Thomas Jefferson is a perfect example. In his day, he was a visionary thinker, with big ideas toward equality and fairness.

200 years later, he is a bigot.

I am fascinated by man. We share common ancestors. First man in Africa, 200K years ago. We spread to far ends of the earth as hunter/gathers, our genes shaped by "survival of the fittest", with people evolving to suit their environment.

The most clear example of how quickly/slowly genetic evolution in man happens is the native americans. There is some debate, but the leading theory is that man spread to North America about 15k years ago across the siberia/alaska ice bridge. In 15k years, you can see how people with same genetic stock, evolved to suit their environment: whether the tundra in Canada, the plains of US, jungles of central america, rugged Andes mountains. 15k years, and look how drastically different these people are. Some are better at storing heat. Some are better at covering long distances. Some are better at conserving food and water. They evolved to suit their environments.

Survival of the fittest is FAIR, but it is not moral or compassionate. The strongest survive.
Evolution applies to human SOCIETIES, as well as human bodies.

We started farming 7000 years ago in the middle east, and stopped living with the earth like other animals; instead dominating the earth, making man the "chosen" animal, more important than any other life on earth. We made god in our own image. We made ourselves gods on earth.

Since we started farming, man's society became focused on serfs working for the wealth of the ruling class. The societies that have "won" the survival of the fittest, have been the most aggressive, ruthless, and greediest.

Our Anglo/American culture has committed more genocide than ANY other culture in history.

Just as early farmer justified exterminating hunter/gathers, we continue to justify our greed with increasingly complicated and layered moral codes. Catholicism helped Euros feel "good" about conquering and exterminating "savages".
The Ivy League helps NYC residents feel less complicit in subjugating the third world.

Anyways, I think the US/anglo society is losing the old "survival of the fittest" battle, and it won't be too long before the Chinese are the dominant culture.

I really do think Man is the worst animal on the planet. EVE FUCKED US UP! We'd be happier, the earth would be healthier, if we would have been happy hunting, fishing, collecting berries, nuts and mushrooms. Obviously there is nothing you can do about it now, pandora is not going back in the box.

But the idea that the value systems that made our country most successful at dominating, exterminated, and exploiting the rest of the world; are somehow "moral" is FUCKED.

Anyways, I try not to work too much, or make too much money. Straight up, more $$ = more waste, more exploitation. It is very funny to me how judgemental Prius drivers are toward third world peoples' garbage issues. If you have ever been to the third world, there are plastic bags flying around everywhere... it looks ugly. HEY FUCKTARD, just because you bought a brand new prius and shop at whole foods, does not mean you are making a lower impact than the peasant who is too busy trying to survive to worry about a fucking plastic bag. That peasant has no motor vehicle, does not consume fossil fuels to heat their home, does not have their goods delivered from all over the world. P.C. people are unbelievably hypocritical and condescending.

Obv, you need money to live, but I try to buy used, quality goods from compulsive materialists. I poach food from wasteful gardens. I fish. I collect mushrooms and berries when I can. I buy my groceries at the asian and hispanic markets. I buy fresh caught salmon from the natives. I volunteer, doing things I think have value, but a share holder won't make a buck on, so our society says the work doesn't have value.

The Rook said...

Dear Chamoisjuice, please be self-aware that no one wants to read your shit HERE. Go get your own fucking blog. If you did, I would read it, and comment. As it is, you're a butt-in-ski. Please, fuck off?

The Rook said...

Oh, for God's sake.

ChamoisJuice said...

fucktard. it's a blog with anonymous posting. I am anonymously posting.

I have no interest in starting a blog. I am committed to anonomity. I have no imagination. Everything I write has happened. I don't think anyone I know will recognize me, because no one who rides bikes aggressively reads this blog.

I am aware that the comments section of a bike blog, with a persona that is intentionally offensive, is not the best route to persuasion.

I am just talking to hear myself talk and kill time, like the rest of you.

ChamoisJuice said...

I shouldn't say no one. I ride aggressively, and read this blog.

I like it because BSNYC is constantly making fun of various NYC cultures, and I find that hilarious, whether it's hipsters, jersey drivers, yentas, or hasids. I honestly don't see what the fucking difference is between laughing at Portlandia and laughing at this.

I also miss Jewish humor and funny yiddish words. I have said it before, this blog reminds me of the things I miss AND hate about New York.

JDH said...

You just gotta have the last word, don't you, you self absorbed poser. go for it, asshat.

babble on said...

Jeez, a girl goes out to climb a couple of hills and all hell breaks loose. What this comment board really needs is a little love. Here's a sweet little satanic ballad for y'all.

babble on said...

CC ++ :D
you win

BikeSnobNYC said...


It's why I go out of my way to visit 3rd world countries, to see how people really live.

That's the first time I've seen you be funny here. You're like the Bono of anonymous bike blog commenters!

--Wildcat Rock Machine

RoadQueen said...

RF: I'm no stranger to hard liquor, nor was I at the time I tried Wild Turkey.

I've had them all, including actual Fire Water. (Which is hot as shit because of the cinnamon, but isn't actually all that hard.)

I guess whiskey in general just does not agree with me. I'd do 6 shots of Patrone to avoid doing one of Wild Turkey.

Jack Daniels, Yukon Jack, Jim Beam, Crown Royal, Jameson, Yaddayaddayadda... I can drink them (unlike Wild Turkey) but Seriously prefer anything else.

Anything at all. But, all that being said, I see where you're coming from.

I generally try everything at least 3-5 times before I decide for sure that I don't like it. Just in case it grows on me, ya know?

babble on said...

RF: Quitting is for quitters?

Anonymous said...

Foldylocks/schenkermans are already available in China....just under different names of course.

Rob Stoner said...

CJ, you're not choosing to be poor. You can't make lots of money because you don't like people. And all this knowledge you think is yours, everyone here already knows (probably 99% of us). Your stoner rants are making us laugh at YOU, not with.

listenermark said...

Speaking of onomatopoetic: Martin Amis!

Jed said...

Ha ha ha...the 'Persona'. Now that is rich. Sorta like Steve Colberts alter ego shtick, right? Yeah, I get it. Now that it's been explained, I have a much clearer image of you at the keyboard. Am I the only one?

Anonymous said...

Mr. Snob. If he were a metaphor for the state of Israel he would have ridden his bike into someone's house and told them it was his...

McFly said...

People people lets try to focus on sex here. And possibly bikes.

McFly said...

And if RQ does not like the way the hard stuff feels hitting the back of her throat then leave her be about it.

babble on said...

I'm sorry, but what the fuck IS going on down there? Did someone just go and create Dexterette with a strap-on for the US government?

What? There weren't enough highly trained agents and armoured vehicles around, that shooting the woman who "clearly had mental health issues," was the only possible way to subdue her? Why? WHY?????

Because the vehicle she was driving is such a deadly fucking weapon that all your armoured vehicles were powerless before her?

Your lord and master is happy and well in the U fucking S of A, Snobbers.

33 uproer

babble on said...

Oh! We're talking about sex, are we? Thank you, that's much better.

It's all in how you relax your throat.

babble on said...

Ok, and while we're at it. CJ - what the fuck? So which one is the real you, the nice guy you pretend to be in public or the monster you are on here?

ChamoisJuice said...

Sorry, I have been such an asshole towards you Babble.

leroy said...

CJ -- brevity is the soul of wit.

Try writing one comment a day, no more than three sentences. Make it relevant and interesting.

I double dog dare you.

Henrik Amberla said...

Hail Satan,

The guy in BIKES vs CARS actually does a satanic quote in 4:05! He says the motto to their film is we are many. This is from the bible: Mark, 5:9, describes a demonic possession in Gadarenes: And He (Jesus) asked him (the man), "What is thy name?" And he answered, saying, "My name is Legion: for we are many."

McFly said...

The Relaxed Orifice....that's a great name for a Korean house of ill repute.

RoadQueen said...

Wait, I thought we were talking about whiskey?


But hey, if ya'll wanna talk about doin' the diry, I can dig it.

So...anyone else like the thing where the girl hangs her head off the side of the bed and dude straddles...too much?

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BHO said...

"they're completely indistinguishable from typical everyday Israelis" When I looked at the picture, before reading the text, I figured they were just Republicans.

babble on said...

CJ - Seriously and fer real?

Thank you. :)

Why the sudden change of heart?

ChamoisJuice said...


I truly have been trying to be "good wolf" in my day to day. It's hard.

Also, I got a job that paid halfway decently, but I hated. One of the drawbacks of living away from bigger cities, is there aren't that many employment options. Job was uptight, and I had no outlet for my somewhat disturbed sense of humor. Also, I work a fuckload faster than the workload they had for me, so I had quite a bit of time to kill everyday...hence me owning the fuck out of the podium for awhile.

Anyways, it has been my outlet for the asshole new yorker inside of me. I have let the character be shaped to large degree, by the commentors who respond to CJ. You kept responding, generally with more effective insults than others, I'd hit back. I don't hate you, it was just something to do. I mean, there are certain thing about your personality I find aggravating, but I don't like most people, right? And you certainly seem like you mean well.

I feel like I went way over the line, though. And I apologize.

I do think you should get your boy a BMX, so he learns how to ride a bike properly. Seriously, making a boy ride a road bike is like forcing them to play the piccolo.

babble on said...

Huh. Wow. I was speechless for a minute there, and that's saying something. Bless you.

Lol!! The thing about my son is funny, though. He grew up in the skate park and on a bmx-ish bike, and it was so totally his decision to ride a road bike. I'm just celebrating that he shares an interest with me, because already I am overexposed to minecraft. He is currently riding his Garneau hybrid daily cause the roads are a little slick this time of year. He's not putting in any serious miles at this point, so don't worry. His prostate is not in any danger. He's ten. The worst injury he does it is sitting in front of the x-box every chance he gets.

I'm the one with the Stravadiction. He just looks up to me cause the kids in school think I'm kindov cool with all these muscles, bless their naive hearts. Whatever, I'm ok with it if it means he picks up some good habits, so I'll support him any time he climbs on a bike.

I'm touched. It takes courage to apologise. Thank you for that, and for the twisted compliment hidden within.

As Leroy says... Ride Joyfully!

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