Tuesday, September 10, 2013

This Just In: Fetishistic Cycling Apparel Company Introduces Groundbreaking Pouch For Your Genitals!

Remember the panties?

Of course you do.

In fact, since last Friday, this Kickstarter had received an additional $7,000.  I'm assuming the reason for this is that they've added a new pledge level by which, if you give $5,000, you receive a pair of panties that has been vigorously cycled in by the model for three very hot and fragrant Austin hours.

Anyway, until recently, Urbanist Cycling Chamois Panties represented the very pinnacle of crotchal engineering.  But no more!  No, when it comes to cycling products, competing with Euro-Freds (Frederiques) is a game you just can't win, and the asses at Assos have officially unveiled the World's Most Expensive Bib Short:


Swiss clothing company Assos today announced a new, four-model range of bib shorts dubbed S7, including the top-of-the-line Campionissimo that will retail for US$519/£309.

So what makes a pair of shorts worth over $500?  Well, a "cooling nest" for your genitals called the "KuKu Penthouse," that's what:


Assos also claims to have four pending patents for the S7 line, including the 'KuKu Penthouse,' a soft pouch for the male genitals on the front of the short that is inserted into a cutout in the chamois.

A "soft pouch" for your schvontz?  I thought this was a joke, but it appears to be real and it's already all over Twitter:


ASSOS invention: The front part of the insert features a round-shaped pattern insert made of skin contact textile, no foam.  Not only does it create a "nest" into which the male's genitals are properly "stored", but also keeps them "cooler".  It's the evolution of "kuKuDeluxe".  You only got 3, protect them!

"A 'nest' into which the male's genitals are properly 'stored'?"  This sounds like the mating process for some hitherto undiscovered mammal--particularly the part about how "you only got 3."  Last time I checked, most human males only had two testicles.  (Well, at least according to the informal hands-on poll I conducted on the subway before getting arrested.)  Apparently, however, the typical Assos customer is a strange three-balled creature whose reproductive organs run so hot he has to insert them into a "cooling nest" and hang them out like a windsock while he's riding.


(Warning: regular contact with crabon bicycles can turn your skin orange.)

This is the face of a man whose three (3) "pants yabbies" are cool as can be inside a KuKu Pentouse:

Meanwhile, here's the face of someone whose shorts are woefully lacking in "nut nest" technology:


Actually, if you look closely, they have the same exact expression, only "Rider B" skipped the body wax and spray-on tan.

All right, I know what you're thinking: "The KuKu Penthouse sounds great, but what about my ass?"  Well, rest assured that in addition to a KuKu Penthouse your $519 Assos shorts also come equipped with a "Rear Terminal," and I'm completely fucking serious:

The cento also gets an unfortunately named feature called the “Rear Terminal.” It is essentially an extra layer sewn in just above the back of the chamois, intended to improve durability in that region.

This is great news for Freds who like to engage in spirited pre- and or post-ride "dry-humping," which can cause tremendous strain on the rear panel of your bib shorts, especially if the person mounting you is slathered in a spray-on tan and has got three (3) nuts.

Anyway, the real winner in all of this (besides comedy) is Rapha, who now seem like Old Navy in comparison:


Wow, "only" $220?  I'll take two, thanks, and I'll still have money left over to make my own DIY high-performance ball-cooling nest out of a pair of crotchless man-panties:


Speaking of roadies and people with odd numbers of testicles, the UCI is as dirty as an Assos "Rear Terminal" after a metric century:


According to an anonymously leaked document — a three-page summary of a 54-page dossier that has existed since June — McQuaid and Verbruggen solicited a bribe from a team owner, bent drug-testing rules for Lance Armstrong and allowed his attorneys to review an independent inquiry into his doping, and attempted to cover up Alberto Contador’s 2010 positive drug test during their tenures as leaders of the Union Cycliste Internationale, the governing body of cycling.

Sweet sweaty Jesus nuts, could we just give this whole fucking sport to North Korea already and be done with it?  It's obvious they have an unquenchable thirst for the dregs of Western sport:


(CNN) -- In The World According to Dennis Rodman, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, whom he just saw on his second trip to the country, is quite likable.

"He has to do his job, but he's a very good guy," Rodman said Monday at a news conference, announcing plans for a "basketball diplomacy" event that will involve players from North Korea.

I agree with Rodman, Kim Jong Un sounds like a very likeable guy:

Kim Jong-Un’s succession as North Korea’s supreme leader after the death of his father, Kim Jong-Il, has had no positive impact on the country’s dire human rights record. More than 200,000 North Koreans, including children, are imprisoned in camps where many perish from forced labor, inadequate food, and abuse by guards. Arbitrary arrest, lack of due process, and torture are pervasive problems. There is no independent media, functioning civil society, or religious freedom. Government policies have continually subjected North Koreans to food shortages and famine. Human Rights Watch is pressing for a UN commission of inquiry to investigate possible crimes against humanity in North Korea. 

So if we're going to turn professional cycling over to North Korea along with Dennis Rodman I think we should start by holding the prologue of the 2014 Tour de France in Pyongang. If you think the Arch de Triomphe makes a splendid backdrop you'll thrill to the spectacle of rider after rider passing between the legs of a statue of Kim Jong-Un.  Or, perhaps they'll even design one of those time trial portals to so the riders can explode right out of the supreme leader's "rear terminal:"


("Sphincter says what?")

Just imagine how awe-inspiring it would be to watch the fastest cyclists in the world exploding one at a time out of a giant facsimile of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un's asshole.

Lastly, if you're in the market for a KuKu Penthouse, no doubt you'll also be intrigued by a $33 crabon key holder (seen at Urban Velo):


Finally, a key-portaging system light and compact enough to secret in your "rear terminal."

109 comments:

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.

Anonymous said...

And silver ZOD.

Anonymous said...

go on the bronze Zod.

Anonymous said...

nice gotch

McFly said...

Tuesday panties. I thank you, sir. And I kneel. Before ZOD.

And panties.

Anonymous said...

phew. (ZOD)

Blog Drafter said...

SHUT UP CJ!!!!

Bod said...

Felch

Anonymous said...

Should have been a top 3 but fumbled the captcha. Yeah Cleveland!

Anonymous said...

By the way, I came up with that balls cooling idea about twenty years ago. (ZOD)

Jimboner said...

whoa!! taking the scissors to me chamois now!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

damn it... i snoozed

Blog Drafter said...

Philosophy joke apropos to today's post:



Seriously, you Kant make this stuff up.

McFly said...

Why are all these cock hammocks so small? Seriously is that some kind of joke?

Blog Drafter said...

BTW, go ZOD!

Jimboner said...

Now my crotch is like that scene from the Shining except my penis is Jack Nicholson's face and you can disregard the 3rd testicle... Here's Jimboner!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Now starring in the blockbuster re-release, digitally remastered:

ET, the Extra Testicle.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Scranus kuku penthouse

Anonymous said...

Top XX ?

[rest day]

streepo said...

I'm kuku for kukunuts!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

mmm... panties.

Tom (dB) said...

I can only presume you have fans at Assos who wanted to serve you some fodder on a silver platter.

Regular guy said...

Anybody crazy enough to want something with a Koo-Koo penthouse is simply nuts and belongs in the loony bin.

Anonymous said...

I was at a conference (an EPA/NIH thing nonetheless) where a group of entrepreneurs from a fabric company were demonstrating cycling clothing woven with silver thread, in order to capture biometric data. They had one of the domestic pro teams signed on for testing (I forget which). I'd have to guess that bugger's going to top $519. It will do for jerseys what power meters have done for cranks, pedals, etc...

As for N. Korea, wife's co-worker took a vacation there last year. Looked nice and amazing to see a city essentially billboard-free (though apparently one of their chief exports and sources of outside money is fabricating giant statues). Apparently about 40,000 tourists make it there each year. Looked to me like a total hipster tourist opportunity for the 20-30 somethings who missed out visiting old school communist countries and their touching austerity back in the 70s & 80s.

DB said...

I'm pretty sure it was McFly that sent the 7000$ to Kickstarter.

I only have two KuKu's. is that normal?

DB said...

My stretchy bicycling shorts are so threadbare I'm pretty much ventilated now.

DB said...

Are those sunglasses big enough, or what?

New York City folks: who did you vote for today?

BamaPhred said...

So much for the Kickstarter for the Mansert. Assos already got a patent.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Drafter. You mean for coming up with the balls-cooling idea twenty years ago, yeah? (ZOD)

Smidgens said...

this post has more panties (yay)

Anonymous said...

Pretty good material today Snob. Took my mind off my stem envy for a while....

McFly said...

Yeah DB I am standing by the mailbox waiting on my Smelly Panty Kit. They said gently mist them with warm tap water to re-activate(is that one word?). Then get your whiff on and CRANK DOWN!

Comment deleted said...

Actually, I think the Assos model looks slightly more gruntled than the Bib Shorts Guy. I think that's due to the gentle gruntling effect of the Kuku Penthouse.

babble on said...

Good day!
Where are the cooling panties for girl bits? And I'm sorry, but I've met a man with one, but never one with three.

3G said...

well..that was an easy post to write!

Hot damn, this post made me guffaw, chuckle, giggle, and spew hot coffee on my computer. well done

Comment deleted said...

Babs, what a coincidence. I was just jotting down a note with my uni-ball pen.

Anonymous said...

That kuku nest will totally change the nature of nature breaks. And the three room pouch will no doubt leave one nut wonders feeling lonely.

Comment deleted said...

Other than overseeing a starving population, thriving gulag and unprecedented mass brainwashing, Kim Jong Un is a really nice guy.

Except for the fact that he just had his ex-ecuted in front of her family. Her offense? A "sex tape" that consisted of her dancing in a leotard to Elvis.

Dennis, next time you're giving Un a reach-around, could you ask him about that?

tomt said...

My father knew a guy in med school who had three testicles. Everyone called him Pawn Shop Reeves.
Always wanted to meet PSR but never did.

tomt said...

Forgot to mention that I've been waiting for over fifty years for the right time to relate this story. Thanks, Snobby.

le Correcteur said...

Top fifty! 16 bratort! And fully read!

babble on said...

I could have done with a cooling shorts for the ol' vulvanus on my trip to Hobbiton.

babble on said...

Proofreading is always good.

DB said...

Ha!
Well done tomt!

mikeweb said...

tomt,

Coincidentally, I went to college with a guy we used to call Barber Shop Dave.

mikeweb said...

babble,

That looks like it was a nice little bicycle ride/ look-see.

DerZoots said...

OK Mr. Snob.

Kinda figured you would have put this together but here we go.

You do have three items in the penthouse.
Two Ku Kus and a cock.
Ku Ku Cock.

There it is.
Late today lost track of time.

Hey everyones!
It's raining and I'm nt taking my clean bicycle out there. WHo cares. Unemployed!


Robot IQ Test: 82H uedCodi


babble on said...

mikeweb - yes, it was magical. :)

babble on said...

DerZoots - heh heh. ++

Sorry about your weather luck, lad. We're headed for record highs this week... looks like we might just squeeze another few beach days out of this year!

McFly said...

Maybe that 3rd slot is a convienent spot for the Dog Peter Gnats to set up camp. It's just one theory.

babble on said...

a happy tenting place?

Mr Plow said...

How much do you think they paid a marketing firm to come up with kuku penthouse? WTF. I'm going to find my marketing guy and kick him in the pants yabbies just on principle.

erikbe said...

It's a Crabon ACCESS TOOL, Snobby...not a key chain.

Francisco Scaramanga said...

I have a third nipple.

DerZoots said...

Mr. Plow,

Why.

I'll never forget your ad!

Call MR. PLOW!!!!!!!!




13 onyxvry: can't robo stop me

RoadQueen said...

I'm just glad we got to see more panties. And MAN panties, at that.

KuKu Cock - Zoots, you've put it brilliantly!

Buffalo Bill said...

I'm still trying to figure out how to get this body armor on and I see it doesn't have a nut nest or a rear terminal.

balls™ said...

There's a party in my kuku penthouse this weekend. You're all invited!

(Why not call it the cock cave™, or the Ballroom Lounge™? What's a Kuku?)

DerZoots said...

@ Buffalo Biil

If body armor has a USB port it goes to the left side.
Your left though not mine.


186 isfpati: is be said unto robots

Mr Plow said...

DerZoots
Good point by you. Maybe I'm just annoyed because I'm jealous that I can't afford a penthouse for my junk.

BamaPhred said...

Recumbabe demonstrating how to properly cool and ventilate sensitive areas in the Assos ad. Nice touch.

Buffalo Bill said...

Thanks Mr Zoots, that's got it.
Little tight though.

Anonymous said...

There are some pretty funny things on the carbon key ring website.

"Each unit is hand assembled by Portland’s finest 30 year-old over-educated work force."

Dooth said...

And you may find yourself
living in a kuku penthouse

And you may ask yourself
well. how did I get here?

Vegas said...

Ima movin on up
To the Assos Side
To a deeluxe apartment
For my juuunk.

RoadQueen said...

Heat advisory here today. Nice day for an after work ride.

Wish I had a pair of lip-cooling undies to do it in.

That would be swell.

DB said...

It's very hot here in the Midwest today.
I can't wait to get home and free the KuKu's.

CommieCanuck said...

I think Rodman caught a brain infection from Madonna.

CommieCanuck said...

I thought "kuku penthouse" referred to those 400sqft units people buy in Toronto for $1.2M.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Commie,

congrats on being commenter 69.

keep those kukus happy.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

who the fuck gives rodman the time of day? a fucktard like him just wants to be in the limelight as long as possible just for the sake of staying in the limelight... he's a nonentity, dimwit, dullard, piece of turd.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...and apparently, even rodman himself is shocked that anyone in their right mind, including kim, would let him hold a baby.

McFly said...

Could those red panties be used by a lady with an exaggerated external labia minora situation? Hell she may not even be a lady. Maybe not.

JB said...

But that Rodman sure could rebound.

balls™ said...

I thought those red panties belonged to Mr. Rodman...

BamaPhred said...

The Worm with 11,954 rebounds, 22nd all time. A lot of rebounds. Then you have the all time leader, Wilt Chamberlain, with 23,924. Time has dimmed just how fabulous The Big Dipper was. Back when I used to care, that is. Now I don't.

Porkbelly said...

Those man panties are too small to fit me. What a waist.

mikeweb said...

I used to work with a guy who liked to hang out in Vegas. Once out there he and a couple buddies were at a lounge and Rodman tried to pick a fight with him 'for no reason' according to my workmate. Granted, my workmate was a cocky scumbag, so I guess like recognizes like.

About 15 years ago me and some friends were out in the west village at a place we came to discover was an informal after-party for the MTV VMAs. In addition to getting to hold the door for Mike D., I glanced over my shoulder at one point to discover that I was standing back to back with Rodman. He didn't pick a fight with me, he was too busy trying to get into Kennedy's panties. I don't think she was into that.

CommieCanuck said...

I am the walrus..

KUKU KCHO

Pat McQuaid, UCI, turn in your yachts.

The Tick said...

That high dollar codpiece is nowhere near as cool as Bat Manuel's. Just sayin', Chum.

Roille Figners said...

KuKu as in "cuckoo" as in "it's the top of the hour, time to stick my pecker out again?"

What's up with North Korea though, hey? Can you imagine? I mean we might have people rotting in prisons like them, we might have arbitrary arrest and a lack of due process like them, torture like them, no independent media or functioning civil society like them, but we DAMN SURE have religious freedom(*) and PLENTY OF FOOD! GO USA!!!



(*)Branch Davidians not included

Anonymous said...

All this KuKu and fancy singlets makes me think of Andy Kaufmann wrestling women

http:go look it up

McFly said...

Was going to go on a rode beik ryde but said fook it and decided to eat some Cool Ranch Doritos and watch The Big Lebowski instead.

The rug really tied the room together.

And now I want to get high.

Comment deleted said...

Roille, I'm no apologist for the country-formerly-known-as-having-a-Bill of Rights, but we don't put entire families of executed prisoners in labor camps (Un's ex's family now gets to starve under hard labor, instead of starving while freely singing the praises of the dear leader).

And holy shit, we don't have to watch horrible psychedelic mass lock-step demonstrations of the people's hysterical love for a chubby little living god.

(Also, check out North Korean music sometime when you are wondering what John Philip Sousa mixed with Chopin covered in sorghum treacle would be like.)

le Correcteur said...

Cuckoos are known for laying their eggs in other birds' nests. Their eggs hatch more quickly; and the larger cuckoo kicks the other eggs/fledglings out of the next. Hence other birds' nests become kuku penthouses; and the parent birds become cuckoo's slaves.

Anonymous said...

McFly @5:14 -- The correct Dutch spelling for a cycling excursion is "bijk rijd".

Anonymous said...

The third nut is included in the $519.

Anonymous said...

Love your wife's bike. You know that if you mounted another child seat on the front rack, one of your 16 other children could serve as an air/tissue bag in case of t-boning a taxi - and you have spares (15 more). Before you consider purchasing an expensive front child seat, you should contact your accountant - you ill be losing dependent credits on your taxes Hope this helps

babble on said...

Don't do it, McFly. What goes up must come down.

Friendo said...

Roille:
What CD @ 5:15 said; calm the shit down for fucks sake. Nice moral relativism there. Take a pill dude.

Anonymous said...

Finally, a pair of shorts for Joe Gould

Joe Gould

McFly said...

Britney Spears is an anagram for Presbyterians. Boom. Now crawl around and pick up the pieces of your blown mind.

DB said...

Nice, McFly!
I was raised a Presbyterian, now I go to the Church of the Open Road.

babble on said...

Holy. Fuck.

Three down. Two kids, one thirteen one fifteen and a fifty year old cyclist were struck by vehicles on Vancouver Roads today. The man's dead the kids critical all in the last few hours.

Dark day.

Yarpo said...

Kneeling...before ZOD. Gotta wonder what the Podium Girls look like on his/her/its planet.

Anyway, chapeau to the ZOD!

BikeTinker said...

Cool Ruckus key thing. "Impress your male friends," made me laugh.

McFly said...

'Murkan panties!!

MAGgoT said...

MOOS KNKL

BamaPhred said...

Anybody else notice that Ruckus Carbon Access Tool guy left his helment on the coffee bar, then mysteriously had it on in next frame?

BamaPhred said...

100!

streepo said...

Remember the panties!

Bill Crosby said...

My Lips, My Lips.

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