Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Losing My Religion

OK, so let's talk about the bad stuff now.

While I was on vacation, trying to vacate, some quarter-witted vivisection survivor drove onto the sidewalk in Queens and hit five schoolkids:




Because (and say it with me now) he mistook the gas for the brake.

One of the kids has since died--and they're trying to spin it as a coincidence.

Around the same time, or the day before, or whatever it was, some doofus on a Specialized hit acting person Nicole Kidman on a Manhattan sidewalk while trying to take her picture:


(You know, when they said she was "creamed" it wasn't what I was hoping.)

Unless you're not a New Yorker, or you're totally naive and clueless (which I suppose is pretty much the same thing), you know what happened next.  The starfucker on the bike was duly ticketed (cycling on the sidewalk is a misdemeanor in New York City), and last I heard poor Ms. Kidman (who suffered the indignity of having to touch the sidewalk with parts of her body that are above her ankles, but was otherwise unharmed) was considering pressing charges herself.  The driver who ran down the kids, on the other hand, has not been charged with anything at all--because driving a car on the sidewalk in New York City is not a crime unless you mail a certified letter to the local police precinct two weeks beforehand and inform them that on such-and-such a date you intend to drive onto the sidewalk and run over a bunch of people.  Otherwise, it's just an "oopsie," like jostling someone's Kindle on the F train.

This isn't to say nothing is being done about drivers running over pedestrians on the sidewalk, because the principal of the victims' school did, in a remarkable flourish of sheer tastelessness, warn kids not to wear headphones:


Which, general stupidity of the warning aside, none of the victims was doing at the time:


(Poor driver mistakes gas for brake also headphones no criminality suspected have a nice day.)

So there you go.

In all likelihood, our next mayor will be this ex-Sandinista Bill de Blasio guy, and one of his campaign pledges has been this whole "vision zero" traffic safety thing.  Sounds lovely.  I'll believe it when I see it.  But what can I do now?  I'm done with this goody-goody gratuitously-following-traffic-laws-on-my-bike-we-have-bike-share-now-everything's-great-so-I'm-going-to-be-a-model-cyclist approach.  Screw that, I'm going back into common-sense survival mode.  I'm also not one for guerrilla activism, partially because I'm a coward, but mostly because it happens way after my bedtime:


I try not to be south of 242nd Street after sundown.

Up until now, I've at least been able to take solace in my religious faith, which is worship of the Almighty Lobster On High, blessed be S/He:


But you know what?  My god has been failing me.  First of all, cyclists keep getting killed willy-nilly by people who shouldn't be driving.  Secondly, road bikes are getting disc brakes.  Thirdly, my helper monkey, Vito, died tragically in a freak parachuting accident while injecting a potent mixure of heroin and Molly directly into his scranus during freefall.

What the crap kinda "god" allows all that?

So I'm going "full apostate."  I reject you, Lobster God.  I boil you, eat you, and excrete you.  I mock you, and I don't fear your wrath.  May you be picked apart by a thousand hungry seagulls as you hang upside down from your crucifix of shame.  Same goes for all you other religions and prophets too.  You know who you are.  You can keep your beards and your flowing robes and your stupid diets and your primitive beliefs.  Because I'm going with Satan, the guy who gets things done:


He's my last hope.  I can't think of anywhere else to turn.  Anyway, for centuries people have been turning to Satan with fantastic results.  For example:

Machiavelli


(Niccolò Machiavelli, inventor of the macchiato coffee.)

Frederick Douglass


(Frederick Douglass, inventor of Frederick Douglass Boulevard)

George Lucas


(George Lucas, inventor of not having a chin.)

These are just a few of the success stories who just happened to be avowed worshippers of Satan, and now you can count me in too.  In fact, I just sold my soul yesterday afternoon at around 3:30-ish, and already I'm feeling stronger and more confident ,with just the faintest hint of unquenchable bloodlust I'm currently satisfying with wholesome and readily-available puppy blood.  And the best part is I only draw more power when someone commits an ungodly Satanic act.  Whenever two gay people get married or touch genitals I get stronger.  Whenever a congressman reads aloud from the Book of Obamacare (it's the Satanic New Testament, don't you know) I get stronger.  Your "epic" Sabbath wankfests are the wind beneath my leathery batwings.  I am the glint in Justin Bieber's eye when his roadie starts packing the bong.  I am the morbid stench in a fixie rider's jeans.  I am the mold and scum and residual baby puke that accumulates in the tub of a bakfiets.  I'm a marshmallow marinaded in human blood and roasted to perfection on a Varanasi burning ghat.  Join me, join me, join me.  Kill, kill, KILL!!!

Sorry, that's the old bloodlust acting up.  I'm going to have to grab another puppy from the fridge.

Anyway, we'll see how it works out, but in the meantime whenever a driver pisses me off I simply speak a hateful incantation too powerful to reproduce here and pray to my Dark Lord™ for his or her painful, flesh-rotting demise.


Oh, speaking of New York City, apparently Satan has made Yehuda Moon come to life and banished him to the Williamsburg Bridge, where he must repair the bikes of young, inept gentrifiers for all eternity:


See what I'm saying?


Anyway, here's the story:

Wobbling over the Williamsburg Bridge on a misaligned bike wheel earlier today, I ran into Michael — a bike mechanic who set up his DIY shop in the middle of the bridge where the bike lane crosses the pedestrian path. I haven’t had the time or the funds to stop by a bike shop since getting hit by a car several weeks ago, so I thought, why not?

You know, back in the 1950s when I was growing up, if our wheels got fucked up and we couldn't afford to bring them to a bike shop we figured out how to do it ourselves.  It really wasn't too hard, either, because we had the Internet and we had this guy Sheldon Brown who described how to do everything you could possibly ever need to do to a bike in painstaking detail.  (Yes, in the 1950s.  It's true.  Look it up.)  Nowadays though I guess you just ride around all wobbly like a schmuck until some bridge troll with a giant beard takes mercy on you, or else you launch a Kickstarter to design an iPhone app that trues your wheels with lasers.

I mean seriously, get a load of this meeting of the
mindshair:


I dare you to look at that and tell me God's not dead. 

Hail Satan.

And in more evidence that Satan is alive and well and working overtime in New York City, we actually have a full-time Rapha store now:

("Evil!!!")

Not only that, but it's in (what used to be) the Meatpacking District, which was once the place to score yourself a transsexual hooker.

Or so I've heard.

Oh, who am I kidding, I've been frequenting transsexual hookers since the 1950s when I used to work in the meatpacking district.

Lastly, the big news from Interbike was that Greg LeMond has a new line of bicycles:


This Time with his name on it that is made of crabon and has two wheels is sure to chance the face of bicycle cycling forever.  But of course the big question is: "Will there be a dedicated gravel bike?"

Well, what do you think?

The bikes themselves are, LeMond said, just the start. “I’m really excited to be back in the bike industry,” he said, adding that he has “a number of new projects next year,” including more road, cyclocross, and possibly gravel-road models.

Hail Satan.

105 comments:

Anonymous said...

kisses for me?

streepo said...

Remember the panties!!

Comment deleted said...

Wow. Great rant.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

chain dropped again

Bryan Bracy said...

Top ten gravel covered scrani!

Anonymous said...

kiss my scranus

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten.

Anonymous said...

top 10 bitches

BamaPhred said...

What a rant! Scranus! Mor Gravels Bikeen.

Dale said...

Top ten!

Anonymous said...

So happy for your recent conversion. Keep up the evil work.

-Plutarco.

Marcel Da Chump said...

BeelzeSnobNYC

Comment deleted said...

I want a framed copy of that arm wrestling picture hanging in my living room NOW.

All hail Bike Satan NYC!

Philly Bicycle Journal said...

Don't be to hard on the principal where he stated he was ordered to sign the letter by the NYC schools legal department. He thought it was completely insensitive to the community.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Missed the Lemond bike booth at Interbike. It must have been banished to the hinterlands where the Taiwanese knock-off manufacturers congregate and few conventioneers wander.

Also, Eddy Merckx cycles did not have a booth. Boo hoo.

Philly Bicycle Journal said...

Here's the article.
http://www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20130916/maspeth/doe-ordered-headphones-letter-after-crash-despite-protests-union-says

Anonymous said...

Yeah Cleveland. Tep twonty again!

babble on said...

Really? Sign this letter blaming the kids for irresponsible headphone use -or else?

I hate to break it to you, snob.

You're not a rebel. Satan's legions are obviously running the place. You're just giving up the good fight and and joining the establishment.

You'll be back.

RoadQueen said...

Top 20?

Anonymous said...

Top XX?

McFly said...

I've seen Nicole Kidman get faux-banged in several movies. But if you could make seeing her getting creamed happen I would like, be forever grateful.

Anonymous said...

...and Lob wept

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=pcZSU40RBrg

bike parking
I am not a robot

Anonymous said...

Snob,
Your deity would make a great hot Carl.

Anonymous said...

Snob,
Your deity would make a great hot Carl.

RoadQueen said...

Where are the kid's parents in all of this??

As a parent - wouldn't you think that those parents would have that fuck-head driver strung up in the nearest legal tree, demanding punishment, caning, retribution and monetary settlements?

Fuck, just because there's no criminality suspected, does that mean that you can't punish them in the civil court system?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...what da hell. that idiot who hurt poor nicole was not a cyclist, he was a paparazzo... who just so happens to use a bicycle as a faster means of closing-in on his target.

McFly said...

This is so awkward. Whenever I am exposed to bitchin' it makes my chubby straighten out. Pavlovish.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...i mean, if she got hit by a food delivery guy, would they say, Nocole Kidman Was Creamed by a Cyclist?

...or, Nicole Kidman Was Creamed by a Food Delivery Man... in which case, I'd just imagine her dress being full of cream of broccoli soup.

Mr Plow said...

Typical satan lovin New Yorker. May lob have mercy on your soul

Flyover bike commuter said...

I'm not a New Yorker, but I'm you're totally naive and clueless either.

Even before today's blog, we flyovers recognized New York as one source for all things perverted.

Anonymous said...

Stop the Kid Murder. Literally. http://tijlvos.nl/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/stop-kindermoord-.jpg

Anonymous said...

My condolences on Vito's passing.

JB said...

Snob, you apparently live too close to that former Son of Sam sacrifice altar.

I'll let Yehuda Moon wrench on my bike, as long as he pulls hex keys out of that beard.

RANTWICK said...

Vito is dead? Damn. Turn to your dark lord and re-animate him, dammit! Now!

Anonymous said...

What is even more nefarious is that your leading mayoral candidate spent his formative years in the Boston area - the Republic of Cambridge, to be exact. Cambridge is like an extremely "bookish" version of Portland except everyone's on cocaine and there are twice as many bicycles.

Anonymous said...

Judging by the selfie you posted below the other satanists, your former deity has already cursed you with blindness, jaundice, and leprosy in both cheeks. Turn back before it's too late.

CommieCanuck said...

An 8 year old girl was hit by a car in Hamilton this week, the newspaper (fishwrap) gave no details other than she was not wearing a helmet. Mentioned twice in 10 lines, and the title..so she totally deserved to get hit.

Great to see crazy Greg back selling bikes with his signature, "Toldyaso" line.

Anonymous said...

None of these oopsie wrong pedal incidents would happen with manual transmissions.

AUTO TARD

CommieCanuck said...

Thankfully, Nicole Kidman had 6 lbs of collagen injected in her lips, which protected her from a certain death.
That story is a ruse, it was really an L. Ron Hubbard hitman after her for abandoning Tom and his winning smile.

(how is it I know anything about this person??)

Freddy Murcks said...

For the love of fucking Lob, what does a car driver have to do in order to be charged with a traffic violation in NYC?

Driver: "Um, I'm sorry officer. I was texting while driving and when I looked up I saw that I was drifting onto the sidewalk and there were a bunch of kids in front of me. When I tried to brake, I accidentally hit the gas and mowed down a bunch of the kids. Oops. My bad."

Officer: "No worries. Accidents happen."

442 ispesat

CommieCanuck said...

None of these oopsie wrong pedal incidents would happen with manual transmissions.

The US Christian fundamentalist movement has successfully rendered only 5% of cars with stick. Too dangerous for their women (they kept instinctively closing their eyes and crying as soon as they touched the stick), and no way was their male congregation going hold a 6-8 inch stickshift in their hands. (Jebediah, having trouble getting reverse gear or just glad to see me?)

By 2020, we will all have self driving cars designed by Google, but some already use Jebus and cruise control.

ken e. said...

in league with certain badassess

Blog Drafter said...

So you got a little gay with BGW on vacation last week...hey, it happens, there's no need to feel guilty about it. Now you've gone and denounced a perfectly good imaginary deity for another to make up for it.

ianwitht 363

CommieCanuck said...

We can always make better drivers by using computer stimulations.

The Williamsburg Troll (yeah, that one) said...

NONE SHALL PASS! (without a chain adjustment)

Jimboner said...

What did They do to you when you were out near Frisco?

My guess is liberal application of ass pony.

McFly said...

Gaycation.

DB said...

Hey, McFly:
I was considering a Kickstarter campaign on a We-Vibe woman's bike seat.

CommieCanuck said...

Tip when in San Francisco:
"Backpackers" is not a hiking equipment store. Learned that the hard way.

JB said...

Dickstarter?

leroy said...

Dear Mr. BSNYC --

My dog asked me to assure you that G-d is not dead. S/He is just an under-achiever.

He also asked me to point out that in NYC you can now be fined $150 dollars for texting while driving your SUV.

Apparently, that is less dangerous than stopping for a red light on a Citibike and then proceeding through the red when the coast is clear. That will cost you $280.

Ah, progress.

Fudge Me said...

Hooray!

M.C. Lemon Dee is back!

Anonymous said...

Kickstarter idea!

It combines an accelerometer, a camera and a kilo of C4. When it detects a car hitting you from behind, boom!

Sure you end up as a red mist, but so does the driver.

Who wants to fund me?

leroy said...

My dog also assures me that Vito is not dead either.

The accident was staged.

My dog insists he saw Vito and Elvis at a KFC recently, ordering a party bucket.

Apparently, you can do that sort of thing once you've slipped the shackles of celebrity.

Anonymous said...

"But starvation and death's the real testament to the truth of the god your Bible represents."

-Rudimentary Peni

Anonymous said...

When you said "jostling someones Kindle on the F Train" it wasn't what I was hoping.

Neil said...

It's truly amazing that every time someone confuses the brake and gas pedal, they also forget how to steer.

crosspalms said...

Cars are notoriously hard to control, so obviously any "accident" is not the driver's fault. Conversely, bikes are very easy to control, so there's no such thing as an "accident." This concludes the essay portion of my application to be a New York cop.

mellow johnny said...

i'm glad to see gregster is back.

Beth said...

I'm reminded of the photo, making the rounds of the internets right now, of the 1957 Brooklyn "accident" scene where a three-year-old girl was hit by a car while riding her tricycle on the sidewalk: http://gizmodo.com/9-photos-of-grisly-vintage-crimes-on-todays-nyc-street-1285628429

(Warning: the image is VERY sad)

And wondering, since cursory googling isn't turning up anything, what consequences if any that driver ever faced.

brother yam said...

The Wrench Troll of Williamsburg is Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof.

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Dooth said...

Bless you, Wildcat, oops! I mean, damn you, Wildcat...reading your blog set my pocket Bible on fire, melted the gold crucifix on my neck, pulverized my handheld rosary beads, and boiled the holy water I keep my refrigerator! You're in big trouble, mister!

McFly said...

DB, I don't know man. We got peoples out there mixing up the gas and the breake petals. Not sure feminines going down the road on their beiks and gettin' to their happy spot at the same time is such a good idea.

Babble probably already has hers mounted. May be why she crashes so much.

DerZoots said...

Wow post has been up for hours.
Not even a hundred yet and there is a bunch of getlikefast spam going on.

Hardtimes in blogshperes



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Anonymous said...

Beth- Even had that driver had faced severe consequences, since then I'm afraid such an option has been mitigated through bad precedence.

DB said...

McFly:
That thought crossed my mind, but I thought I'd run it by you.
I'm getting dropped by some of the ladies in my group and I thought the vibrating seat might slow them down a bit.

babble on said...

Busted. But I'm a happy crasher.

McFly said...

So going out to Cali and hanging with BGW sounds like a pretty swell time. Out should pick random commenteers and go ride their favorite haunts and then systematically destroy their equipment and their culture.

Sounds like a great way to never be heard from again. Do babble first. Well....don't DO her.....you know what I mean.

McFly said...

*You not Out.

babble on said...

Did you say something about outing me? You can't. That't why the name's babble on...andonanon...

And I don't need anyone's help destroying things, thank you. Why do you think I prefer Ti? And what's so almighty precious about this stupid car culture which is worth preserving anyway?

Why do you think it's called the BIKE path to world peace, anyway? You'll never ever find an exit for it on the freeway.

just_chester said...

fyi snobber,

Your books are for sale at the Tate modern museum in blimey England.

They've got a little section of bicycle-cycling stuff and boom! There they were.

It's time for a "Do you know who I am? I have my books in modern museums all over the WORLD. NOW GIVE ME MY fredtastic fredly coffee the way I ordered it!

Etherhuffer said...

Gonna guess that a Starbucks barista faces more discipline for a bad coffee order than that driver does for killing someone.

Ho Mo Phobic said...

So, you went to somewhere not too far from San Francisco and you got some kind of gay cooties all over you? Thank Lobness you're back home in NYC, where there are no gay cooties at all..

Anonymous said...

Next time I run into someone on my bike I'm using the watertight defence that I confused my bike pedals with the brakes.

Euro Spondee said...

Please, we're not all gay in San Francisco; some of us are bisexual.

- - yyFuci - - let's not even go there, shall we?

Fritz said...

Lost some biking folks here in NC

It is a Highway to Hell on a feckin bike these days, I'd move to Ireland but everyone there is leaving...

SHITE

gadget said...

thanks for your informations!

Invisible Man said...

Welcome back!

The Maspeth driver-crushing-middle-schoolers thing was, as you suggest, utterly dispiriting.

But I'm not one to let a tragedy go by without wringing Wider Significance from it in a lengthy blog. So I wrote about it here: http://www.invisiblevisibleman.blogspot.com/2013/09/falling-scaffolding-sidewalk-driver-and.html

I promise it doesn't mention my conviction that the New York City stretch of the Putnam Trail would be better off paved.

DIO said...

Hail Rapha!!!

Hail Satan!!!

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Anonymous said...

Let me know when you open your pit of ultimate evil.

http://youtu.be/I4FQoznrVwU

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recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Ah good maybe with your switch over to the dark side the edginess this blog used to have will be back.

Just now getting around to commenting. Had a busy day yesterday filled with highs and lows.

1. Buried my grandpa. He was 86.
2. Was a little bummed out by #1 so I went for a 30 mile recumbent ride. It was nice. The weather was beautiful.
3. Attended my son's Boy Scout event.
4. Finally sat down around 9:00 to eat and check out bsnyc and found that piece of good news at the top of the blog. People suck.
5. Went to bed because I was tired.
6. Scranus

That's cool about LeMond getting back in the bike biz. Although it would be nice if he would introduce a line of steel or even alloy road bikes priced in the $750-1000 range so normal people might have a chance to experience a decent road bike ride. I got my fredly road bike start in 2004 when I bought an Aluminum LeMond from my local Trek shop. It was a solid bike and I had fun with it. Nowadays I ride my Titanium mail order roadbike. Becuase Ti is awesome. If it's good enough for Steve Tilford and Babble its good enough for me.

ce said...

Hail Specialized!

leroy said...

RCT -- my condolences. My folks are in their 80s and my dog insists they're trying to bury me. Of course, he adds "who could blame them?"

Still, I know how much I'll miss them some day. No matter how much you expect something like this, you are never really prepared.

Riding is good therapy.

McFly said...

Sorry about your gramps RCT. Lost mine in aught 8. Fine man.

McFly said...

Did youz guyz catch any of the Arctic Race of Norway? You know what the prize for the intermediate sprint win on stage 4 was? A fookin' house. Seriously.

babble on said...

My condolences, too, RCT. .. xo

BamaPhred said...

RCT

Also condolences

May I add what a splendid outlook on life and its challenges that you have.

ce said...

Hail Sinyard!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

RCT,
may peace be upon gramps...
keep riding.

ce said...

Hail Strava!

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mikeweb said...

RCT,

My condolences as well about your Grandpa.

I lost my Grandpa and Grandma on my Dad's side this year, a few months apart.

A good long easy ride always seems to help.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hey thanks! Yous guys are the best.

I been lucky and had many good times with the grandparents on both sides. Only have one granny left.

Kinda sad how it takes really getting older yourself to realize how important they are to you and then one day they're gone.

Yarpo said...

Sail Hatan!!!!.....oh.....Snail Scratan!!!!.....no, that's not it...Hail Satan!!!! There.

No. Satan has severe acne, and I'm just not into that. I'll just stick with Lob.

Condolences RCT, and a bow from the waist in your general direction.

Almost to 100, where is WIWM?

Yarpo said...

Leadout, leadout, leadout!!!!

Pedal, pedal, pedal!!!

Getting argy-bargy here, gonna put someone into the wall like Paolo Bettini did to Baden Cooke in the 2005 Giro.

PEDAL, PEDAL, PEDAL!!!!!

Blog Drafter said...

Boom!

Blog Drafter said...

Thank you, Yarpo. May Lob bless you for your efforts.

Yarpo said...

High Fives All Around for Blog Drafter! I had to dig deep and find my inner Mark Renshaw to get it done!

RoadQueen said...

streeop and CD - KISSES!

Sorry so late. :'(

grog said...

Please explain: common-sense survival mode. Good judgement is not common, and is not a sense.

Anonymous said...

Satan showed up on Clinton Street. Ride your bike to Vector Gallery and say "hello" to The Devil for me.
http://www.vectorgallerynyc.com