Monday, September 9, 2013

Life's A Beach: Sand Is The New Gravel

Firstly, here's a SPOILER ALERT:

Later this week I'll be vanishing again.

I'll let you know again before I do, and in the meantime I'll be here for a few more days.  Also, if you're wondering where I'm off to, I'll be headed to a small republic called Noneofyourfuckingbusinessistan, where the chief export is a lack of disclosure.

Secondly, if you answered any of last Friday's quiz answers wrongly, you saw this video:



The "fighting" was thrilling enough, but I was more captivated by the subplot, in which one of the "antagonists" punts his helment into a passing car:



And then some cubicle jockey and his ladyfriend get out and, wearing expressions of deep concern, scrutinize the car for damage as though it's a living, breathing thing and not just a piece of shit Mazda:


("Is that from the helmet or the pedestrian we ran down earlier?")

Why even bother stopping?  Honestly, people are such wussbags about their cars.  The idea that a vehicle that weighs over a ton and lives most if not all of its life outside somehow shouldn't get dented or scratched is completely delusional.  If you've ever gently rapped on a car to let an oblivious driver know that he or she was about to run you over then you know how hysterical these morons can get when you dare touch their stupid, oversized appliances.  It's like getting upset at someone for messing up the front door of your house by knocking on it.  Sure, I realize a lot of the blame lies with the banks, which trick people into leasing cars with easy monthly payments and then make them pay out the ass for every scratch and scuff when they finally return it, but it's still pathetic how invested people are in the appearance of their econoboxes--this gentleman excluded of course:


("You can't punt a helment into my car because I don't own one.")

Speaking of smugness, while I was in Australia a great big box from Workcycles arrived at my estate:


So on Saturday I summoned my inner "Shabbos goy," paid him a quarter, and assembled its contents for my better half:


(Non-drive side photography is the new drive side photography.)

There's exactly one (1) benefit to being the wife of a bike blogger, and it's that you wind up with a pretty sweet bike.  Here it is "about town" with the front rack and kiddie footrests but without the rear child seat:


After christening the bike with a bottle of Snapple we undertook a maiden voyage to the New York Botanical Gardens, where I saw this Brompton-in-a-cozy:


Complete with artisanal saddle scrotum:


Anyway, not only is the Workcycles already making my wife far happier than I ever could, but our kid (one of seventeen (17) but the only one we bother to feed and entertain) is way into riding on that little front kiddie seat and upshifting on the hills with predictably hilarious results.

Also, between this bike and the Big Dummy we now have the portaging capacity of a Honda CRV and the smugness quotient of a food co-op in a medium-sized city.

Of course, man does not live by smugness alone, so I was also sure to Get Fredly this past weekend by putting on stretchy clothes and riding a bike with those pedals you click into and those curved handlebars with the shifters in the break leavers like they ride in the Tour de France:


(Drive side photography came back in style while I was writing this post.)

It wasn't too long ago that I'd be off spending my September weekends getting lapped in cyclocross races.  However, I'm now unofficially retired, at least for the time being, so instead I'm embracing the world of giant saddlebags and compact cranks and wide-ish tires by road bicycle cycling standards:


I used 28mm tires for the Rapha Gentledouche's Race this past spring and I liked them so much that I haven't gone back.  Plus, everybody knows 28s on road bikes are the new 25s, which were the new 23s, which were the new 21s.  In any case, here's some more tire clearance porn:


You'd think with tires like this I might even be tempted to ride on gravel, but I'm not stupid, because not only does this bike lack dick breaks, but I also know that if a piece of gravel were to wedge itself in between the tire and the chainstay I could die:


Plus, I'm not even interested in riding on gravel anymore, since a reader tells me that beach bikes are the new gravel bike:

The frame is based on (and replaces) their Cross Winner cyclocross bike. But, they tweaked it to make it more effective for the flat, sandy courses. The seat tube got steeper to bring you closer to a time trial position so you can lay down the power through softer sand. The head angle was slackened a bit to provide better stability. All of which sounds a lot like some gravel racers we’ve seen.

Sounds great, except what the fuck do I do if I have to race on a gravel beach?


(My head hurts.)

Do I choose my gravel bike, which has been painstakingly optimized to race on tiny rocks, or do I use my beach bike, which has been constructed from special proprietary materials (uh, aluminum) to "help combat salt water"?

Fuck it, I'm getting a skimboard;


At least until the whole gravelboarding thing takes off:

126 comments:

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Good Afternoon!

Kenny Banya said...

Yo

RoadQueen said...

PODIO!

streepo said...

scranus

Flyover bike commuter said...

I'm slow on the finishing sprint today.

RoadQueen said...

Podio kisses for your second place sprint win, Kenny!

RCT, your podio kisses have tongue. ;)

Now I'm going to kiss the shit out of myself for losing to Kenny, but beating streepo out of the running.

Then I'm going to wait for someone else to give me my real kisses. :)

MUAH MUAH MUAH!

Anonymous said...

Top X ?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

top 10!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

rtc, kenny, RQ,

damn, that's quite a line up... must've been a downhill race.

congrats.

and kisses to you RQ, not the two geezers.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I like tongue kisses.

Anonymous said...

Top Ten KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.

singlespeedwaster said...

Top ten? Or Top 20? The suspenders are killing me

The Jimboner said...

Ass Pony Monday.

RANTWICK said...

RCT! RCT! RCT!
RoadQueen! RoadQueen!

What a glorious day. Kenny, well, good 4 u too I guess.

Yarpo said...

Again with the 14st-tyeth Place! GRRRRRR!

Chapeau to RCT, The Kenny Banya, and RoadQueen!!!!

Stellar Podium today!

Scranus and Friday Panties Redux!

RANTWICK said...

Hey! Wanna see a alien I drawed myself?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Toptwentystan.

Yarpo said...

RCT and The Kenny Banya, firm handshakes, Sirs!
RoadQueen, MUAH x 3! and ephemeral bouquet of flowers plus weird-ass piece of local art to hang from a wall or hide deep in a closet.

Victory laps around your respective blocks while screaming like crazed meat puppets, GO!

Gotta go read the blog now, see ya!

unikral...a urinal in a corral?...

Anonymous said...

I just lie to the driver after I punt your helment into their car.

RoadQueen said...

THank you, gentlemen, for my kisses and presents! I'm feeling the LOVE today!

Anonymous said...

That's more of a kickoff than a punt...

Tad Salyards said...

Congrats on your new Gr8 or Fr8...or whichever one it is. Can Henry actually tell the difference either? I think it may be a ruse.

RoadQueen said...

Anon @ 1:09

I was thinking 2nd grade soccer pass, myself.

Then again, I don't want to insult any 2nd grade soccer athletes.

Maybe Kindergarten?

McFly said...

Hey RQ how a virtual "Locker-room style" smack on the ass? OK? Well then let's step up to a regular male chauvinistic smack on the ass.

Anonymous said...

Can someone please remind me why we need to sprint to the finish, and then repeatedly congratulate and kiss the winners? Who cares really? You're wasting your time, my time, bandwidth, space on my monitor, all that. You think you're being cute? You think that other people care? Sorry, you're wack, and you actually make the blog a little worse. Thanks.

RANTWICK said...

Anon 1:16 - Easy now. Go easy. Bandwidth? Monitor space? Whose wack?

Mr Plow said...

Specialization is for insects. And bicycles.

RoadQueen said...

Anon @ 1:16

Well bless your heart. :)

The commenting section is fun! We make it this way on purpose.

XO

RoadQueen said...

McFly, either of those will do, thank you!

Smidgens said...

this post needs more panties.

McFly said...

I used to actually take good care of my vehicles. Kept them washed and cleaned up on the interior with smudge-free winders and all that.

Then I had 2 small human children.

Geez. OK you win.

Anonymous said...

Based on that video I just watched, I'd say you are Rantwick! Thanks again for that. That was great! Nah really, I think I'd rather read CJ's posts than your congrats to each other.

babble on said...

Thank-you for beach bikes, snob. Who knew?

And belly laughs. Thanks for those, too. The woman you tricked into marrying you has the last laugh, though. That's one sweet ride.

Since we're talking kisses, here's a big one for you: X

Steak and Lowenbrau said...

too much smugness

RoadQueen said...

Anon @ 1:29

Well, aren't you just a ray of sunshine.

BABBLE! Missed you, hope all is well.

XO

babble on said...

Yes, thank you, beauty! It was quite a weekend for me... how about you?
How was the pony camping trip?

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Anon 1:16 --

My dog wanted to know how you can berate comment podium chasing when there are dogs on skim boards who cannot afford proper sportswear.

He will be initiating a kick starter program to "Put Some Baggies on that Boxer Brah."

He asks only that you give generously.

It's important to keep our priorities straight.

Anonymous said...

I love reading your personal comments to each other. This is the perfect place for that. Please, keep them coming!

balls™ said...

I hope that aluminum beach bike comes with zinc anodes.

Wait, I mean... panties! Scranus?

youcancallmeAl said...

what the hell are breaks?

BikeSnobNYC said...

youcancallmeAL,

The things that make stopping happen when you pull on the leavers.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

g. said...

"Breaks are for woosies"

RANTWICK said...

Anon @ 1:29

OK, busted. That video does indeed make me wack.

Wait, wait! I mea ...

RoadQueen said...

Babble, pony camping trip was amazing! Will post soon, hopefully tonight.

RoadQueen said...

RANTWICK, haters gon' hate. We love you.

RANTWICK said...

No worries RQ. My ego (and alter ego) is fully intact.

FR8 said...

Dear Mrs. Snob,

You will find this to be the coolest bike ever. I have the FR8 with the white Schwalbe Big Apples and two seats on the back: beyond smug. That's quite a guy you married!

Noneofyourfuckingbusinessistani Rebel said...

That Ritte is filthy. Why don't you see if you can sucker your Shabby goy into cleaning it for a quarter.

oraltra 682

incessantlycommentingregular said...

nothing worthwhile

Roille Figners said...

"Steak & Lowenbrau," reminds me of the time time I tuckered myself out on a long ride with insufficient food supply, and on the way back, at dusk, well past bonking, deliriously creeping through a suburban wasteland of strip-malls looking for food, I see this neon sign saying "STEAKS & PORTER" and I'm like FUCK YES. But then as I get closer I realize I'm looking at a mattress shop and the sign actually says "STEARNS & FOSTER." It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror.

Epilogue: There was a Krispy Kreme right up the road.

Roille Figners said...

I said "time time." It's just like Sister Ray says.

Anonymous said...

A drop bar fat bike is for beach racing? I thought it was for working off my beer gut.

Dune And Out said...

Sand bikes are for sons of beaches, if you catch my drift.

Comment deleted said...

All Anonymous posters should know that we care very deeply what you think about how this comments section could be adapted to fit your desires more exactly.

The whispering sands said...

Finally a bike for racing at Daytona!

RoadQueen said...

Anonymous posts are for wussies.

14 gsaWind

Fennel scented colonic irrigation said...

"If you've ever gently rapped on a car to let an oblivious driver know that he or she was about to run you over then you know how hysterical these morons can get when you dare touch their stupid, oversized appliances."

I know, right?

Thank you for noticing the irrational behavior.

Anonymous said...

Used to be folks commented on the post rather than try to pick each other up (good luck with that btw). In regards to that. So... that's two (2) child perching areas on that bike. Is there another li'l snob on the way?! Could it be!??!

babble on said...

I wondered whether there was another little snobbers on the way, too, but it looks to me like the favoured wee one is graduating from a child seat with neck support to an in-the-front, pre-trailer-bike, learn-how-to-keep the-bike-under-you position.

I would love to be wrong about that, though. Be nice to yer wife, snobby-doodle-doo. Make her want to ride more than that sweet new bike, mmmkay?

BobTheAngryCyclist said...

"If you've ever gently rapped on a car to let an oblivious driver know that he or she was about to run you over..."

That happened to me less than one metric hour ago.

Something about the insane and crazed way I screamed "You almost killed me you F***ing A**HOLE!" as I pounded on his truck may have encouraged him not to stop and confront me.

Something about almost getting run over brings out my gentle nurturing side.

Matt said...

Don't underestimate the weights of cars. They do weigh more than a ton. Lots more. Even a Toyota Corolla is about 2,900 pounds, a Camry runs 3,200 and a Ford F-150 is about 4,800. That's curb weight, before you load it up with bloated occupants and a bunch of bulk purchases from Costco or the loads of gravel all the pickup drivers in the tv ads seem to haul around. Or Dutch utility bikes on racks.

RoadQueen said...

...did anyone else know there was going to be a test at the end of this post?!

OK, comprehension test:

Bike Fight Club = they need to learn how to throw a punch before engaging in a physical altercation. One of them is going to get into an altercation with an MMA dood someday, and end up taking a "nap".
SIDE NOTE: I hope somebody gets that on camera.

Mrs. BSNYC bike = Way rad. I noticed the 2-passenger capacity as well, and was wondering the same thing. Bun in the oven there, Snobbie?

Dogs Surfing = ??? No opinion, I suppose. Other than, "Hey, cute doggie."

Gravel Boarding = Meh.

Overall, I found this post to be more vertically limp than the Panties Post, and less horizontally compliant.

But, hey. Dogs on wake boards, people! Way to make a fun post, even without panties, Snob. :)

Ok, now Anon can STFU. Whew!

db said...

...we now have the portaging capacity of a Honda CRV and the smugness quotient of a food co-op in a medium-sized city.

When were you in Boise?

DB said...

Hey, Anon:
I think you miss the point here that we all kind of like each other and through the miracle of BikeSnob's blog have gotten to know some pretty funny, well-versed and great folks that I would love to meet someday.
Some more than others, though.
Just sayin'.
Oh. Congrats to today's podium winners.

JB said...

I can only presume that Snobby rides on the rear seat.

McFly said...

I spooned some 30c's on the Raleigh and put about 65 psi of air in and it's pretty fun. I bunny hopped and empty vodka bottle Saturday like a total BAWWWWWWSS.

fhfr436 said...

In a more intelligent version of the gravelboarding, a group of Boy Scouts used the sand dunes in Death Valley to do some sandboarding:
http://scoutingmagazine.org/2013/08/cut-loose-with-this-sandboarding-troop-in-death-valley/

Freddy Murcks said...

Snob - I would suggest that you order up some padded cycling panties so that you can wear them for all of your rides, grow your hair out on your legs (if you haven't already done so), and drop the pretense once and for all. Same goes for all of us bicycling cyclists (both male and female bicycling cyclists are can keep shaving their legs if they so choose so long as they are willing to admit it is solely for fashion and that it has no practical purpose). The sooner that we drop the pretense and admit to our fredliness the happier we will all be.

In any case, it looks like you are well on your way to a happy life.

896 havegl

BamaPhred said...

Congrats to podium winners
Shameless nekkid skimboarding surf doggie
And Snob and his head games.
Show us a bike for TWO little Snobs,
Then show it to us again for one little Snob
Time will tell.

Buffalo Bill said...

Well, that ended predictably.

DB said...

Leroy:
Are you and your dog doing Fashion Week?

meat tape said...

Ah, gravel boarding.
Reminds me of "snowboarding" down the street in Wussconsin.
Where am I?
Why do I have pants on?
Do I need a helmnet for this?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

dear anonymous,

don't you know it's actually only you i want to meet. i get so turned on by your mysterious presence.

there are days when you podium, and thanks to you, i jizz in my pants.

i love you... i want to meet you.

take off that ano-mask and let us see your naked body.

kisses to you forever.

balls™ said...

Put that in your Kuku Penthouse!

wishiwasmerckx said...

I couldn't place where I had seen the Workcycle bike before, then it hit me. That right there is a breastfeeding bike, mi amigos.

RoadQueen said...

Grouch...speaking of jizzing in one's pants.

YOWZA!! :D

RoadQueen said...

WIWM, Excellent point!!! I missed the connection completely, and I believe that your deduction is spot-on.

Well done!

JB said...

I'm going to miss that chevron-covered rump, when I scroll down to get to the comments tomorrow.

NICE THYZ

JB said...

Put all of your money in silt bike futures!!!

Anonymous said...

Grasshopper

Nice to see you coming along. I haven't ridden anything smaller than 28s since Guiliani Time.

But really. Paselas? Get some Grand Bois, or Clements. Live a little!

DB said...

JB:
Don't the Eskimos have 100 words for different kinds of snow?
That's 100 new snow bikes.

Euro Spondee said...

Roille, if you weren't hungry enough to eat a mattress, you weren't going hard enough.

Anonymous said...

"Anonymous said...

A drop bar fat bike is for beach racing? I thought it was for working off my beer gut.

September 9, 2013 at 2:39 PM"

The drop bars on that bike don't drop enough to merit the "drop" title. They actually look as though they're designed to accommodate one's beer gut rather than make one work it off.

I've been seeing these half-hearted not-so-drop bars all over the joint recently so maybe they're the latest thing or something and to be totally honest I find them rather fetching (plus they can accommodate my beer gut), but what's the deal with them?

They seem like the sort of thing Snobby should be railing against.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 7:05pm,

They are "dirt drops" and have been around a long time. I like them.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

I hope you weren't riding around with the quick releases on both brakes open...

Blog Drafter said...

That Mazda is worth more than my life.

Anonymous said...


BikeSnobNYC said...


They are "dirt drops"

Okay, thanks Snobby.

So I done went and search-engined "dirt drops" and discovered the break leavers are positioned diagonally!!!

That can't be right!?

Except when I think about it, it strikes me as a sensible, comfortable and effective arrangement.

Why haven't you been singing the praises of dirt drops, Snobby!!??

McFly said...

Orient your break quick releases to the closed position before you die!!! Or did you just slip them 28s on there to fool me into buying some? You know I will.

Lou Filerman said...

Hi. I'm Lou Filerman. I'm new here.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonmous 7:13pm,

Why?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

McFly said...

I think we should consult Babble and RQ on optimum diameters. Is a larger diameter thats not quite as stiff better than a smaller diameter thats super hard and rigid? Im sure the small stiff one is great for a punishing ride and hard workout but would the larger circumference with a little give make for an easier effort with the same result?

And if it deflates do have the tools to get it pumped back up?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hi Lou. Stick around there's usually something interesting going on around here.

Anonymous said...

Snob, please put the Panties video on the bottom of every post so we never have to say goodbye to those chevron beauties. I think Babs and RQ will agree.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 7:13 here.

It is a pet peeve:

1. Assuming the brakes are set up correctly you have just crippled your ability to stop.
2. Assuming the brakes are set up incorrectly to work when open you have lost the quick release function, which would almost definitely be necessary to insert or remove a 28 that was anything other than flat
3. It is aesthetically not-so-pleasing.

Velosopher said...

"Assos also claims to have four pending patents for the S7 line, including the 'KuKu Penthouse,' a soft pouch for the male genitals on the front of the short that is inserted into a cutout in the chamois."

Seriously

ChamoisJuice said...

Ok, I'm back, only to post
this photo.

which DEFINITIVELY proves that mountain bikers are much cooler, more fertile, more potent, less reserved than roadies are.

DESPITE, or perhaps BECAUSE OF:
-riding snowboards down gravel quarrys.
-lustrous mullets
-sunglasses preferences
-display of physique by shit removal, as opposed to spando.
-Canadian factor

BikeSnobNYC said...

ChamoisJuice,

FUCK OFF.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

babble on said...

McFly. Yes. Much better. There is always a time and place for not so much inflation.

And yes, of course. It's all about how you blow it back up again.

RoadQueen said...

Why wouldn't you simply pump the fatter one up to a greater rigidity, similar to the skinny one?

I like to have my fatty and a stiff one, too. That's what I do at home, anyway.

Wait, we're still talking bike tires, right?

Anonymous said...

Wcrm @ 9:07...a bit touchy are we? Maybe still jet lagged?

Beth said...

It occurred to me that there are gravel-ish (pebbles, of course, being water-smoothed) beaches called shingle: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shingle_beach

And that perhaps the world is not entirely complete without a dedicated bike for this particular type of surface. It would be unusually versatile, in that you could also ride it safely on the roof.

Anonymous said...

Love Paselas. But schill a little for Challenge and maybe they'll send you some eroica or almanzo tires (the latter is a gravel tire, so you might get confused on pavement). Seriously, though, they are remarkable supple tires.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 10:08pm,

No. Fuck him.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Jed said...

Sorry, I rang the bell but no one answered.
Did I see a "hang in there" kitten poster on the front door?
Sure smells nice in here. Is that a Yankee Candle?

Moretestosteroneorimafuckinkillya.

Angie Kritenbrink said...

Sometimes by the end of one of these, I forget what the beginning was like.

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...

Wow.. Lot's of new lady faces here..

I'm working on a Lava bike... and I want CJ to be my test pilot..

Snob must still be jet lagged... He never comments so late in the day..

The Hendra hammerhead said...

So since this is a blog about all things down under, while I was cycling to work this morning I was pooed on by a bunch of bats. Should I be worried?

ChamoisJuice said...

Oh Bikesnob. Bikesnob, bikesnob.... BIKE SNOB

I want to comment on this blog like a "normal person"....you know post a funny link that relates to the topic at hand...I posted that stupid Chamois Panties video...for the record: would, wouldn't, would, would, would, wouldn't, would, would. I'm trying.

Goddamnit, if that phote is not the best "gravel board" photo in all of human history, and here I am trying to share the wealth.

When you get so riled up like this, it just makes me want to share.

I apologize for using your comments as a surrogate therapist. Headshinkers are nuts anyways, that's why they get in the biz in the place. And they'd prolly just give me pills I don't want to take. And I am american so that shit costs a lit of money and I truly believe I am much happier spending that money on weed, stupid bike parts, girls. AND THERAPUTICALLY ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF ROADIES

Anonymous said...

CJ,
See what happens when you criticize the length of a man's stem? Clearly those are fighting words.

McFly said...

I don't know RQ that's a huge ask for a big tire with alot of age on it. One minute your buzzing along on a 28c with 120 psi and you pick up the pace and BOOM you gots sealant all over your rim. I guess if you want to keep riding you pump it back up.

It probably won't hold.

RoadQueen said...

McFly, as long as it's hard, I see no reason to go easy. Use it or lose it, ya know?

BikeSnobNYC said...

ChamoisJuice,

You spammed the shit out of my blog while I was away in Australia. That was a new level of shitty. Fuck you for that.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Blog Drafter said...

That reminds me of a story...

Blog Drafter said...

that I'd like to tell...

Blog Drafter said...

in multi-part rhyme...

Blog Drafter said...

over time.

Blog Drafter said...

JUST KIDDING!!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Yeah I agree the spam sucked.

Nice addition to you bicycle collection wildcat. I love that front rack. You need a lobster crate for that.

JB said...

CJ, if you want to be treated like a "normal" commenter, it's the internets: change your screen name and act "normal."

McFly said...

More like use it and lose it.

ce said...

Sometimes I wonder if this is how poor old Weylandcorp Rock Machine feels. Of course, I consider myself a member of the acid drooling parasitic infestation, but as in the movie there is only one of sufficient tenacity to necessitate a one on one showdown: "Get away from my blog you bitch!"

And space is relevant to today's post because... well of course because, you see, when the elite eventually leave the ruins of Earth to live in their orbiting space castles, they will love nothing more than partaking in a round of space golf. Eventually however, the novelty of space golf will wear off and space cycling will become the new space golf. And that is where Vacuum of Space Bikes will make their debut. No filthy, bumpy Earth gravel to contend with while floating in orbit, so no tire clearance necessary. In fact, no tires. Nothing to drive off of, so no drivetrain. Very Zen, low maintenance. So, it's a saddle, a top tube and a handlebar and away you float, at 16 000 mph. Do a couple laps of Earth and get a space coffee... from Starbucks. Yeah, oh that reminds me: In space no one can hear you scream "On your left!", so don't bother.

streepo said...

I'll vote for use it, lose it and reuse it.
Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

RoadQueen said...

Thank you, streepo. My point exactly.

Hooper said...

that stem is out of control!

TLLR

EFCT

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Anonymous said...

Video got deleted. I wanna see a helmet getting punted into a car. Anyone got another link?