Maurice-Francois Garin...was a road bicycle racer best known for winning the inaugural Tour de France in 1903, and for being stripped of his title in the second Tour in 1904 along with eight others, for cheating.
And thus, the template for the Tour de France was set.
Now, over a century later, in what has become a sad metaphor for the utter futility of the human condition, they're still trying to clean up this ridiculous race, and to that end the French Senate has released positive EPO test results extracted from frozen and reconstituted pee-pee:
Here's the list, which should surprise absolutely nobody:
Andrea Tafi, Erik Zabel, Bo Hamburger (twice), Laurent Jalabert, Marcos Serrano, Jens Heppner, Jeroen Blijlevens, Nicola Minali, Mario Cipollini, Fabio Sacchi, Eddy Mazzoleni, Jacky Durand, Abraham Olano, Laurent Desbiens, Marco Pantani, Manuel Beltran, Jan Ullrich (twice), Kevin Livingston (twice)
Ermanno Brignoli, Alain Turicchia, Pascal Chanteur, Frederic Moncassin, Bobby Julich, Roland Meier, Giuseppe Calcaterra, Stefano Zanini, Eddy Mazzoleni, Stephane Barthe, Stuart O'Grady, Axel Merckx
Jacky Durand, whose failed breakaways were a sad metaphor for the utter futility of the human condition? Sure. Axel Merxck (whose results are merely "suspicious," insert sarcastic wanking gesture here), the Nancy Sinatra to his father's Frank? Naturellement. Mario Cipollini, sex on wheels and 76 kg of congealed olive oil sprinkled with syphilis and sculpted into human form? EP-Of course!
But yeah, that's all in the past, and the race was totally clean this year.
So glad we can move on.
Speaking of sex and wanking gestures, everybody knows by now that disgraced Congressman-turned-New York City mayoral candidate
On Tuesday, seeming to recognize the fragility of his public standing, he pleaded with New Yorkers to trust his assertions that he is now a changed man, despite the news that his online adventures — some conducted under the pseudonym of Carlos Danger — had persisted through last summer, after the birth of his child.
And you don't have to spend too much time reading the comments on the article before some idiot makes it all about bikes:
Walter New York
If he gets rid of the bike lanes and the citi bikes he's ok by me.
July 24, 2013 at 12:09 a.m.
Walter logged this insightful comment at 12:09 a.m. Then, at 12:10 a.m., he Tweeted a smartphone photo of his forlorn dong to an indifferent world and wanked himself to sleep.
Meanwhile, in other local news, another reader has forwarded me what may be the first recorded instance of someone chopping their handlebars even shorter than their brake levers:
("When I need some extra leverage I just steer with the brake levers.")
It's oddly comforting that, even in 2013, people in Brooklyn are still "curating" stupid singlespeed:
This is definitely a one of a kind retro classic. This bike is from the first generation of mountain bikes produced by Cannondale (bike is probably older than some folks reading this post), which has been brought out of climate controlled hibernation, refurbished, professionally modified to a single speed fixie -- lubed, oiled & ready to ride.
Ooh, "lubed, oiled, & ready to ride?" You know who's in the market for a bike like that? Carlos Danger:
And it's not just an ass bike, either. It's actually a fast ass bike:
A must have for an avid cyclist or collector who wants to stand out in the crown with a fast ass bike. You'll fall in love on the first ride. Price can be negotiated and/or road bike trade
Oooh, you know who wants to ride an ass bike? Carlos Danger:
Somewhere, at this very moment, someone is riding that very Citi Bike.
One would hope that at this point Carlos Danger's poll numbers will fall faster than his erection, but regardless of who ultimately becomes Mayor, I hope they can put a stop to all these "ride-by yoinkings:"
One thief grabbed a $2,000 MacBook Pro right off of a man’s lap as he sat outside in SoHo Saturday evening, police said. The 31-year-old told cops he was sitting in front of 12 Vandam St. at the corner of Sixth Avenue about 8 p.m., when a young man on a dark blue or black bike rode past and quickly lifted the laptop.
This is why my new Kickstarter campaign is going to be a huge success. I call it "Lapterpants." Basically, it's an integrated pants/laptop carrier that keeps the computer positioned on top of your groin at all times. That way, when someone speeds by and tries to grab it, they'll find out the hard way that it's attached to your lap and then eat pavement. Then, you can just close the laptop, stand up, and walk away.
Carlos Danger has actually been testing a prototype of my Lapterpants complete with optional Dong Flap™ for quick and easy access.
Oh, you're phone's not safe from ride-by yoinkings, either:
Earlier the same day, a woman in the Financial District had her iPhone 4S snatched out of her hands by a man speeding past on a dark blue bike as she chatted on the smartphone, police said. The 34-year-old woman told police she was talking on the corner of William and Fulton streets at about 12:30 p.m. when the biker zipped by and stole the phone.
Nothing like a perfectly-executed Apple product hand-up.
And, while it's not specifically bike-related, the same article reports what may very well be the largest cargo shorts heist in criminal history:
— Three thieves grabbed $1,316 worth of red cargo shorts from True Religion at 132 Prince St., police said. According to police reports, the three men secretly swiped seven pairs of shorts on July 21 about 5:15 p.m. and then walked out of the store.
That's a fuckload of cargo shorts: