Title: Under This, There Are More Words!

First of all, I have to say I was deeply moved by the outpouring of support following my revelation that I suffer from occasional bouts of the "creeping crud."  I'd also like to thank everybody who suggested treatment and prevention methods, and especially those of you who attempted to make diagnoses.  So far, the most likely explanations for this affliction are as follows:

--I have a semen allergy;
--I am in the late stages of syphilis;
--I am a "woosie."

Actually, these things tend to be cumulative, so odds are I suffer from all three.

In any case, it's precisely this sort of can-do Internet self-diagnosis that makes universal health care so profoundly unnecessary in the USA.  So suck on that, Canada.  You can take your socialized medicine and your "Obamacare" and stick it where the sun don't shine.  (In other words, way up north for like half the year.)  And as for you Americans who don't have health coverage and like to complain, you need to get over it.  Wounded?  Ailing?  Dying?  Just grab those bootstraps and pull!  You'll be feeling great in no time.  You've got WebMD and you've got easy access to firearms.  What else do you need?

Anyway, I'm pleased to announce I've finally culled a treatment program from all these suggestions, and starting today I'm embarking on a kosher vegan freegan all-foraging diet and limiting my riding to off-road unicycling.

Also, for some sobering perspective, while I was simpering on about how I came over all itchy, commenter Leroy was actually attacked by a wild animal during his summer vacation, and here is that animal:

(Photo by Leroy's dog.)

From what I understand, the beast pounced from the foliage and gave chase, but Leroy was finally able to ride it off his wheel using the Cat 6 attacking skills he's honed from years of crossing the East River bridges.

As for the turtle, the chase left him exhausted, but he did find a way to cool off:

("There you go, little friend.")

There's a lot to love about cycling, but perhaps the most beautiful thing about it is that it puts you in touch with nature.

Speaking of Cat 6 racing, in the cutthroat world of racing people who don't know they're racing you're only as fast as your bike, and I received an email from Esteemed Commenter Daddo One reading simply "one day, you will need this" and accompanied with the following image.

He's exactly right, and that day is today.  I'd Cat 6 the fuck out of some Citi Bikers on that baby.

There's one person I wouldn't be able to beat though, and that's this guy:

Sure, he may not be the Lone Wolf:

But he's arguably the world's most accomplished cycling lone wolf--not to mention he travels with his own karaoke machine:

Mr. Lai said he had relied on donations of food, shelter and money from strangers along the way, and on his outdoors-survivor skills – often living off the land and sleeping in a tent.

He travels with a portable karaoke machine, so that he can stop and belt out 1980s Chinese pop songs for donations.

And as they say in the Old Country (although which one I'm not sure), "Language barrier, schmanguage barrier:"

To communicate, he has asked people along the journey to help him write basic requests in various languages on Post-its, which he then staples together into phrase books:

"Please help me get to Chinatown. Thank you!”
“Can I find Chinese people nearby?”
“Would you please fill my bottle with hot water?”
“Would you please shelter me for the night?”

You actually encounter a lot of this sort of thing in New York, though the visitors are usually from Portland and the line of questioning is a little different:

"Please help me get to Bushwick.  Thank you!"

"Can I find 'artisanal' people nearby?"

"Would you please fill my Thermos with Stumptown?"

"Would you please direct me to the Ace Hotel?"

Generally I just direct them to the Queensbound J train and tell them to ride it to the end of the line, but I suppose this will backfire when Jamaica becomes the new Williamsburg.

Of course, the other difference between Mr. Lai and your typical hapless tourist is that if things get dicey he'll kick your ass with his kung fu moves:

Mr. Lai practices kung fu, which he said had helped him during several scrapes on his journey, including a confrontation in Siberia with a group of motorcyclists armed with handguns.

Through a combination of dancing, singing and kung fu moves, Mr. Lai said he was able to defuse the situation. Soon he was showing the bikers photos of his trek.

Cinephiles will no doubt be familiar with the following quote:

Pootie Tang will draw you a picture of how he gonna kick your ass, then mail it to you ten days in advance. The picture gets there right? You're goin', "What the hell is this?" and then Pootie Tang knocks on your door, promptly kicks your ass and you still won't know what happened to you!

(Pootie.)

Well, I'd argue that beating the crap out of a motorcycle gang and then showing them pictures of your bike tour is no less formidable.

Meanwhile, if you're wondering why America is screwed despite our universal access to Internet self-diagnosis and assault weaponry, here's your answer:


Yes, while people from China are setting out on rides around the world with only $20 and a smattering of kung fu, Americans want $8,000 before they even throw a leg over the saddle--though they'll give you plenty of "inspiration" in return:

Help us help you help us help you overcome the mountains of necessary funding we require so we can overcome mountains to help inspire you to overcome mountains.

At least that's what I think he said.

In fairness to the filmmakers though, it sounds like they're planning to go anyway, and they just want the money so they can buy more film shit.  However, I'd suggest they just go on the ride and skip the movie, because one person's life-changing vacation is another person's sleep aid.  I sincerely hope they have a great time, but I have very little interest in hearing about it afterwards.  Can't I just watch "Empire of the Sun" and be done with it?

Then again, I was impressed with the training scene:

As well as evidence of the last remaining kickstand-and-Biopace-equipped bicycle in existence, complete with intact pie plate:

The mountains of China will surely be flattened under this machine's mighty wheels.

If nothing else, all of these adventures serve to make my own seem thoroughly inconsequential.  I mean, my idea of a big ride is the Rapha Gentlemen's Race--and I didn't even make it into the movie!

Sheesh.  The only reason I did the ride was to be immortalized in Rapha Douche-O-Vision™!

Clearly I need to cultivate a more exquisite suffer face.

Oh, well, back to studying those Pamprin commercials:



If you can tell me the difference between this and a Rapha video I'd love to know what it is.