Monday, July 22, 2013

Hi! So is the Tour de France Still Going On Or Am I Too Late?

As the sort of person who enjoys toasting Eggo waffles while bathing, I'm not exactly the best decision-maker, but I have made two very good decisions recently with regard to my cycling life.  The first was moving from Brooklyn to wherever it is I live now, and the second was making a New Year's Resolution to not renew my USA Cycling license.  As a result of these two complementary decisions, instead of waking up at 5:00am and Fredding around Prospect Park like a doofus during the weekend, I just hop onto this trail:


Along the way, I stop here to feed the feral rock band:


They've been waiting in there for Rick Rubin since 1990, with only occasional visits from hair stylists:


Then I cut over to the mountain bicycle cycling trails to enjoy some mountain bicycle cycling:


Here's the top of a climb, where I collapsed this past weekend because it was 95 degrees and I suck.

Then I go back home, have some lunch, and take advantage of my loose legs to beat up on my training partner:


Best of all though is that, between the hills and the relative uncoolness of the area, I'm more or less free from "bike culture" and all the stupid cycling-related "controversy" that consumes the rest of the city--though yesterday I did see Citi Bikes as far north as 181st Street:


That's a good seven miles from the nearest docking station:


Hey, if they want to pay the overtime fees that's fine with me, but if I see one of those blue heaps of shit up by my house then that's it, I'm moving again.

With Lob and Dorothy Rabinowitz on my side, I will do everything in my power to keep the Begriming Blue Tide below 59th Street.

But yeah, you can keep your "bike culture."  Sure, I may not get to enjoy the pleasure of being "shoaled" at a red light by fourteen other white people in Bern helments and "shants," but I also don't get the police forcing me out of bike lanes and then ticketing me:


For fucking speeding, no less!

“Then I’ll give you a ticket for being outside of the bike lane, and for speeding.” 
I responded, “I could not stay in the bike lane as you are parked in the bike lane, and the speed limit is 30, and there is no way I was going 30 mph.”

“Lady, you just don’t shut up do you!”

Wow.  So basically they're just fucking with us now.  I'm very much in favor of bike infrastructure and bike share and happy bikey people foffing off about "bi-keen" and all the rest of it, though crap like this makes me dangerously close to becoming one of those old kooks who goes on and on about how much better cycling in the city was when there were no bike lanes and only the strong survived--by riding like Kevin Bacon, of course.

By the way, I'm talking about "Aggro Bacon:"


Not "Bike Dancin' Bacon:

I wonder how the police would ticket you for bike dancing these days.  They'd probably dust off some long-forgotten sodomy statutes from the old days of raiding bathhouses.

Meanwhile, while cyclists are getting tickets for "speeding," we don't want "black boxes" in our cars because it's an invasion of our privacy:


I'm all for privacy, and I don't like that Obama is reading all my emails about penguin sex any more than you do:



However, if there's one thing Americans have been proving since the invention of the automobile, it's that we don't deserve to have privacy while we're driving:

The black boxes “provide critical safety information that might not otherwise be available to N.H.T.S.A. to evaluate what happened during a crash — and what future steps could be taken to save lives and prevent injuries,” David L. Strickland, the safety agency’s administrator, said in a statement.

But to consumer advocates, the data is only the latest example of governments and companies having too much access to private information. Once gathered, they say, the data can be used against car owners, to find fault in accidents or in criminal investigations.

Actually, we don't even deserve to be driving.  We kill tens of thousands of people a year with our cars.  How come they pick me apart before I get on an airplane, yet nobody checks on me when I get into my car?  If you think about it I'm no less dangerous.  Really, I'm shocked we're still even allowed to own cars.  At best, we should have limited access to a small car-sharing system, and as we drive there should be cameras trained on us at all times:


At the very least it would put an end to red light nose-picking.

But I should still be allowed to keep my car and drive without the cameras.  Because I'm special.

Communism worked the same way, which is why it was so successful.

Aww, fuck it, I'm getting a Motoped:


Why settle for a bicycle or a motorcycle when you can own a vehicle that fails at both?

106 comments:

ChamoisJuice said...

champion

Roille Figners said...

Deuce

Anonymous said...

top less than ten..bucket list now complete?????

DB said...

I'm back.

Anonymous said...

number 4!!

Freddy Murcks said...

Sucking on a douche nozzle of adulterated vinegar and water.

retinha 141

It's short for 'Captain Cha-Cha' said...

Ooh, top 10!

babble on said...

Gidday!

Anonymous said...

Last!






Crap.

Mr Plow said...

Quicksilver rules

Billy said...

11th!

that's like winning the cat 6 race

Anonymous said...

I literally just left Portland.

Anonymous said...

Geddy.

Comment deleted said...

Whatever you do, DON'T FEED THE FERAL ROCK BAND!.

Billy said...

Yeah, I really don't get the huge cultural blind spot we have around cars. It's just amazing.

Sometimes I kind of wish I could have that blind spot back. Learning to notice that kind of thing just makes me sad.

Being an ignorant hypocrite is bliss.

3G said...

911 is a joke

DB said...

I've been to Washington, DC for 4 days. Wanted to be in the hottest place on the planet.
I've met Rick Rubin. Nice guy. Bought a piece of my sons art.

Yarpo said...

Mappy Honday!.......oh shit......Happy Monday!
What ev's man.

crosspalms said...

I didn't know a fender could be so entertaining. Thanks, Motoped!

Mr Plow said...

A speeding ticket? Are we even having this conversation right now?

Anonymous said...

Black boxes in cars strips away one of the most fundamental rights of the motorist!

Lying about what they did.

ChamoisJuice said...

BTW, sorry, somebody hijacked my screenname over the weekend. As I'm sure you know by now, I prefer ladies with the proper waist to hip ratio, diminutive vaginal capacity, NOT DOGS.

Besides, I have a peanut allergy.

I am glad the tour is over, so roadies can quit pretending anyone gives a crap about pinner euros in spandex.

Fred Nifacent said...

Tour De Froooooome! Yes I watched Part I and it was glorious. Can't wait for Part II, the investigations. lying and cover up.

babble on said...

I got stopped for speeding on my bike once... but I didn't get ticketed. I didn't even have to cry to get out of it, but I might have laughed when the officer told me why I was pulled over.

On the other hand, the officer who ticketed me for failing to obey a red didn't have a similar sense of humour, and I still owe $168 over it. Worse, it's noted on my license.

Anonymous said...

"...if I see one of those blue heaps of shit up by my house then that's it, I'm moving again."
- WCRM

"My father always said when you can see smoke from your neighbors chimney, it is time to move.”
- Abe Lincoln

Anonymous said...

I ditched my last road bike 5 years ago, and only ride in the city to get to work or run errands. Otherwise, pleasure riding is on trails, dirt or paved. I like my bike culture the backwoods way. Tune up the banjos, please.

Anonymous said...

mid-pack fodder

Comment deleted said...

I figure if I ever get a speeding ticket on my bike, I'm going to frame it.


Please prove you're not a Fred.

Anonymous said...

MotoPed--Yes, you too can pop wheelies for a quarter mile, catch big air over that berm, out sprint the fastest riders at stoplights, and last but not least pedal furiously in 90 degree heat while wearing a full face helmet!

yang_bu said...

Motoped, the unholiest wedding yet.

I'm on the waiting list for the carbon chassis model. I can't be seen on cro-mo anything. Ever.


I will park it next to my eliptigo and recumbent. I have to find another place for the Segway.

Robot stack failure.

Mr Plow said...

Is it still speeding if you don't go.. Whooo hoooo?

Yarpo said...

"We kill tense of thousands..." Snobbo, you might want to fix that before the Grammer Fascisti start in on you.

Or not.

I went back and watched the Closca helment-give us money-video again. I understand that Spain is in rather dire economic straits BUT UGLY HELMETS AREN'T GOING TO SAVE GIBRALTAR'S GIANT, GIANT, BOUFANT NOW!!!!

Is it too early for bad geography jokes?

A cop ticket for Babble's Legs said...

Babble, with your legs I'm utterly amazed a cop would give you a ticket for doing anything. But, as a failsafe backup plan keep a dozen donuts in your bike's basket. Or do cops not eat donuts north of the NSA border?

Millions of Dumb Cops said...

What'cha gonna do? The mafia in blue!

Roille Figners said...

Yeah I'm about done with bike culture too. EXCEPT THIS BLOG OF COURSE.

leroy said...

I hate to admit it, but New Jersey is more enlightened.

Yesterday, there was a cop posted on the Jersey side of the GWB and when he saw folks riding in the oncoming traffic lane or through a light, he just stopped them and asked them to be more careful.

I'd say fuck it, I'm moving to Tenafly, but my dog says there may be an outstanding warrant for him from the Animal Control authorities.

Something about public urination on someone.

Sizzling Bacon on the Stove said...

I love the back on the chick with Bacon. He should lay his bacon on her back.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Thanks for the penguin porn.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Scranus.

Bronx Zoo Keeper said...

I always wondered if the Female Penguin was on her stomach or her back. Marlin Perkins never answered the question, but you have.

Cipo said...

Do female Penguins give head? Just kind of wondering.

RoadQueen said...

I'm speechless about the lady getting a ticket. I'm thinking maybe she should have played the "Sorry can't talk right now, I really gotta POOP!!!"

Maybe that would have baffled the cop enough to allow her to escape. I Don't. Know. That's just what I would have done.

The rainy season is back again. I need to get a stationary bike to keep my Vulvanus in shape while I wait out the Noah-esque flooding.

James said...

Many moons ago, I got stopped for running a stop sign and speeding on my bike in Athens, OH by the Athens County Sheriff. He asked for my drivers license. I smartly responded " I didn't think I needed one to ride a bicycle ". I spent the next few hours in the Athens County jail as an attitude ajustment while they booked me for disorderly and the traffic charges.

Yarpo said...

Gatis Smukulis finished comfortably in 119th place.

Go Gatis!

...and the Lanterne Rouge? Svein Tuft from Cansnadia!

Vive la Lanterne Rouge, eh?

Dave said...

You know that if this CJ character did not exist (and are we even sure he does?) we'd have to invent him. Every group effort needs a mascot/whipping boy to absorb and reflect creative tension. If the strain of coming up with the Friday quiz is too great, just throw it open to the commentariat as a humor contest - who has snubbed or insulted the mascot in the most sophisticated, sneaky manner this week? Your readership will double! From fifteen to thirty!

I think the gummint has my bathroom under surveillance:

counteP 499

wishiwasmerckx said...

Dear Bronx Zookeeper:

The only non-primates who mate face-to=face are otters.

Do not ask me how I know this.

What we have here is a failure to communicate said...

Bike riding tickets in Ohio and NYC! Yikes, just imagine what riding a bike in the south must be like. I remember a Paul Newman movie where he was locked up on a chain gang for doing something wrong on a bike, Cool Hand Luke I think it was called.

ChamoisJuice said...

Gay penguins

McFly said...

I thought you were going to go an entire other direction about having a "Black Box" in your car. And it piqued my interest.

balls™ said...

You think it's too easy to buy a car? Try buying a gun. I also read that Virginia is going to try to ban oral sex. What's next? No more penguin buggery? Society is collapsing, and I'm sitting in my office reading a bike blog instead of riding my bike.

Anonymous said...

Cool Hand Luke: GREAT MOVIE.
No bikes involved; only decapitated parking meters.

"Picking up a snake here, boss."

Marcel Da Chump said...

Cat 6 degrees of aggro Bacon.

Roille Figners said...

Sounds like they're desperate for attention over there at the Virginia legislature. What's next... flashing their muff when getting out of the limo? "Leaking" a sex tape?

FREE BUFF

Roille Figners said...

If ONLY they'd outlaw penguin buggery.... that shit's indecent!

Anonymous said...

I watched the Tour de France. I do adore the chateau and castle porn. Bike race moderately fun, non-cunty Brit won this year, was born in Kenya like our socialist President, but not as swarthy. Frogs put on light show on Arc de Triomphe that looked like 8th grade prom. Finish was at in gloom of sunset and I was hoping they'd all have blinkies and generator lights but no such luck. Five time winners honored, all look like sturdy middle-aged Belgian insurance agents now, Lance notably absent. Some German guy won sprint, looks like Hitler's dream of Aryan superman, Cavendish too slow and picked an awkward line over a manhole cover that made his bike bounce. Some Canadian guy came in 169th, last finisher.

Poppa Wheelie said...

I don't know about the rest of youse, but I don't believe that anyone hijacked CJ's handle. All the available evidence that we have seems to point to the likelihood that he has some sort of Tourette's syndrome and that he just couldn't control himself. Also, our experience with him would lead one to believe that he does in fact like to fuck dogs, rape juvenile bears, he's literally a motherfucker (although it should be noted that his mother was pleased by how quickly he could dispense with his business), he's turned by horse porn, and that the 21 y.o. gf that he loves to brag about is in fact the neighbor's three y.o. dog. If CJ weren't such an asshole, I would pity him.

P. Bateman said...

i think the full frontal facemask helmut is for your emotional safety -

otherwise people will see you and the ridicule will be severe. VERY severe.

Anonymous said...

At 1:47 into the video, a roadie TOTALLY blows a stop sign. I don't mind a roll through the sign, but blow it at 15mph with other traffic around?

Freddy Murcks said...

I literally have one degree of Kevin Bacon. In the HBO movie "Taking Chance," KB played Lt. Col Mike Strobl. I went to high school with Mike Strobl. He's a nice guy.

tsudes 10178

DB said...

The Snob:
Who's covering the Royal Baby Watch for Bicycling Magazine?

PaulB:
Went to Mt. Vernon last week, very cool, mentioned Mason-Jumel mansion.

ChamoisJuice said...

Dood, I wasn't bragging about the 21 year old, I was CONFESSING. There is a difference. Anon bragging isn't really bragging?

So yesterday, I fell asleep in the bathtub after parting the red seas and practicing the sacred yoni deep tissue massage.... I was rudely awoken from my nap by 21yr old hippie:

"WHO THE FUCK IS RARE HOT RED HEAD?"

"Say what?"

"RARE HOT REDHEAD! She just called twice!"

"Oh, that's my ex."

"I looked at your messages. Not really an ex if you are meeting her?"

"Kinda?"

"BOYS ARE DOGS! I can't stand you unless I am HELLA STONED"

She stormed out. Came back like 20 minutes later with a fat sack of dro.

At least we are on the same page....

CommieCanuck said...

After watching Cool Hand Luke twenty times, I can no longer eat eggs.
True story.

Saw Jens Voigt hammering up a mountain at 42 effortlessly.

1. East German Olympic program
2. 42 years old
3. Bjarne Riis

Right.

Jens Voigt facts. Hit refresh to see a new fact.

CommieCanuck said...

"WHO THE FUCK IS RARE HOT RED HEAD?"

"Say what?"

"RARE HOT REDHEAD! She just called twice!"

"Oh, that's my ex."

"I looked at your messages. Not really an ex if you are meeting her?"

"Kinda?"

"BOYS ARE DOGS! I can't stand you unless I am HELLA STONED"

She stormed out. Came back like 20 minutes later with a fat sack of dro.


Put that in Google Translate, this happened.

Dave said...

Now that's what I'm talkin' about! All you witty guys'n'gals, get your brains in gear and whip that boy! I want to see some pointed, barbed and elegant sarcasm.

"Your majesty is like a stream of bat's piss."

but don't make me queasy, please:

2683 eewriti

CJ's mom said...

Every group bound together weakly needs an "other" to persecute.

Freddy Murcks said...

CommieCanuck - I didn't realize the Google Translate had a "moran to English" translator. Nonetheless, it appears that you overloaded the stupidity matrix and crashed your 'puter. You should have known that CJ's ramblings would do that, but live and learn.

ayforg 181

Comment deleted said...

The trouble, Dave, is that the micro-peen'd one likes the negative attention. It's "feeding the troll" and it just encourages him to post more provocations and descriptions of his imaginary sex life.

An alternate approach to kicking the slightly retarded mascot is to ignore it entirely.

Anonymous said...

FroomeDog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....i hope he's clean or pisses/bleeds clean at least....

Dooth said...

My track stands are often mistaken for bike dancing.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Dave @ 1:54 --

My dog asked me to inquire whether you meant to paraphrase Voltaire's observation on the existence of God.

He further asked if we were really having this conversation.

I don't understand that metaphysical stuff and he doesn't suffer disquisitions on the nature of reality gladly.

What dog would?

I'm not gonna play along.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Teliological rhetoric plus existential angst all in one post, and all as seen through a canine prism?

Deep...

The question is not "What dog would?"

The question is "What would dog do?"

Or. if you prefer, "What would dog doo?"

Anonymous said...

cars are good for the economy and therefor good for 'Merica

wishiwasmerckx said...

Proof of Intelligent Design?

You wake up in the morning and your nose is plugged up and your butt is plugged up. First you unplug your butt, then you unplug your nose.

See, Mr. Darwin? Evolution is indeed merely a theory.

Comment deleted said...

wiwm, I'm going to guess you didn't mean it literally, but if not, you're going to have pay some licensing fees to me for my idea of a electric butt-plug alarm clock.

"YEOW! I'm up! I'm up!"

babble on said...

er... otters?... primates?

The best donut in the world is the Maple Bacon donut on Hastings and Carral. Unfuckingbelievable. Half a dozen of those should get you out of a DUI, never mind a ticket.

And I can't believe we're having this discussion. The troll as a muse? Really?

babble on said...

Butt plugs? When did we start talking about butt plugs?

ChamoisJuice said...

Comment Deleted: already exists. Google "pain olympics" YOU THINK CYCLISTS KNOW HOW TO SUFFER??????

Blog Drafter said...

Moron @ 1:12

Who on earth would hijack your name? No one wants to be you.

ChamoisJuice said...

Oh, Jeezus fuckin' Christ babble. You canadians steal everything from America. Voodoo Donuts has been making the maple bacon bar for 10 years at least.. they have a beer verison of the donut now.

Fuckin Eh, next thing, you are gonna be trying to claim Canadians invented Polar bear wrestling...

babble on said...

You might have made beer before we did, too, but that doesn't mean you make it better.

babble on said...

:)

ChamoisJuice said...

Since we are talking about butt plugs and making fun of Canadians, I will relay a story about going to the sex shop in Canada.

This was a few years ago. I was dating a school teacher. She wanted to go to the sex store; but wanted to protect her anonymity and reputation, so we had to go to Canada. Amazon wasn't really a thing.
She also wanted to go to one that wasn't full of "creepy, old masturbators".
So we went to WOMYN WARE "celebration and empowerment of women's sexuality"

I was the only man in the store. Pretty sure every womyn in the could take me in armwrestling. They had an awe inspiring collection of dildos and butt plugs. I also thought the size queen thing didn't apply to dykes, BUT IT DO! The staff tried to vibe
my Y chromosomes out of the store. I just kept flicking this 18" butt plug Virgin Mary statuette...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Voodoo doughnuts and female-friendly sex shop = http://www.sheboptheshop.com/index.php

the Commentariat said...

...annnd, I should add, Babble is quite versatile, and thus capable of mating in all sorts of ways besides face-to-face.

Film at 11...

babble on said...

Is it true the royal baby was born at 4:20?

babble on said...

Yes. Versatile AND flexible. Pretty sure I'm a primate. Apparently that means I am closely related to sea otters. Mind you, we humans share something like 76% of our genetic information with a daffodil, so relativity is relative.

That's why we can be so daft sometimes.

Matt said...

My sources say young King Nigel popped at 4:24 British Summer Time. He weighed like 8 1/2 pounds (that's about $14) so is a sizeable little bugger. Haven't seen photos yet but am hoping for lots of coverage of Pippa Middleton.

Anonymous said...

Snob, you DO know that David Berkowitz and his merry band of devil-worshipping misfits got the ball rolling early on with late night dog mutilation parties held RIGHT THERE where you took that snapshot in Untermeyer Park?

rural 14 said...

rural 1st!

Coppers is coppers. And I had to tell my boy not to call them coppers to their face. My bad.

The whole power tripping thing is the same all over, even when you see the same coppers every day and you know their name and where they live, and they know where you live.

I've tried the Gandhi routine with them, and the foolish 'I refuse to stop for this' routine with them, several times with the child present / sprinting away w me.

I think it's a good lesson to learn young, that you can say no to authority authoritatively, and at least here in Canada's hernia truss, you run a good chance of maybe not getting shot. Then they show up at your house threatening all kinds of things, and 2k in legal fees later, case dismissed (my attorney waived the fee thankfully). And then the whole force is being dismissed as they find out that all 5 of them have broken all sortsa laws, including destroying the videotapes of kids being beaten up in the station house.

All that crap about "truth to power" etc - there's good stuff that the coppers do, but there's equal abuse of power; and if you just let them walk all over you, they will walk all over everyone else.

How about all the heroin that's running around rampant in this rural area...why's the cops not doing more about that, proactively - EG the late great Police Athletic League in NYC did more to stop crime / create wholesome members of society (like me), than any number of bike tickets issued.

Poilce state and nanny state are the same.

Gonna hide in the big field behind the woods real soon.

Grump said...

Holy Crap. Do they have that damn music blasting out of some hidden speakers on that Moped?? The faster you go, the louder it plays??.....Damn.

PS. So, the Tour de Frances is over? I was going to watch it this year, to see how many riders got "sick" and have to pull out.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Rural 14, this is a condition I first identified in college.

I commuted, and there would be some slight acquaintance from around campus who got a job as a gate attendant in the parking lot. They got to wear an official polo shirt with a logo on it, and with it they immediately became drunk with power, ready to implement the final solution to the campus parking congestion problem.

Power corrupts.

I have tried to instill in my children a healthy dose of "question authority," and the power-drunk police abuses reported on a daily basis are indeed appalling.

Protect and serve my ass!

Anonymous said...

I wonder if most of the cops in NYC are born and raised in NYC. That would explain a lot.

W G said...

"[In south L.A.] bike shops are popping up all over the place (even, surprisingly, at auto repair shops)..." Auto repair and bike shops, TOGETHER, how could that be?
from: LAstreetsblog.org

scott long said...

Mountain Bike Genitally Used http://cheezburger.com/7643592192

Rabbi Alvin Kass, Chief Chaplain of the NYPD said...

Prescription for Happiness

The desire for pleasure is one of the most powerful impulses of human nature. Since people are creatures of God, the desire comes to us from a sacred source. In a real sense, therefore, the enjoyment of life is divinely sanctioned and the fulfillment of God's will. To be sure, all too often the pursuit of pleasure becomes excessive and causes terrible problems. Unfortunately, a large number of people don't know when to stop. As a result, the social drinker turns into an alcoholic, and the gourmet into a glutton. If we could define the proper limits of our behavior, our lives would achieve a much higher degree of fulfillment and inner contentment. Most of life's pleasures are legitimate and healthy provided we partake of them in moderate doses.

Take for example, the quite normal aspiration for popularity which characterizes many people. One of the reasons we like to be in the presence of celebrities is that they embody the popularity that we wish were ours. Now there is nothing wrong with the desire to be popular provided it doesn't become a monomania. Sensible people realize that not everyone will like them, and they are able to live with that fact. They are also aware that fame is fleeting, inconstant and evanescent. It should be sufficient satisfaction that one is able to retain the affection of his family and friends.
http://www.nypdcops.org/FratOrg/Shomrim.htm

Dooth said...

Anon 6:42 is spot-on. I was there--no, not for satanic rituals-- just a few days after his arrest...out of twisted teenage curiosity...rode up there, of course...didn't look like red spray paint on the walls.

Anonymous said...

If you're dumb enough to think biking is safer than driving because the total number of biking deaths is less than the total number of driving deaths, then you must also be dumb enough to agree with that meathead who said mixed martial arts cage fighting is safer than biking, since the total number of deaths is less.

If you can't figure out the flaw in that kind of (non-) thinking, why not shut up and change the subject instead of making as big a fool of yourself as Jeff Halevy?

babble on said...

Dooth- that sounds super creepy. Was it chilling?

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paulb said...

The Greystone estate, Untermyer Gardens? Yes, you had the right idea.

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Dooth said...

babblelicious, you're making me recall my fourteen year old self..."holy shit!" comes to mind.

BamaPhred said...

Yesterday was one of those lost days.
TdF..or the Froome coronation processional. I hope he won fair and square, but the whole thing just seemed scripted since the TdF last year.
No fan of power mad cops, and not a fan of black boxes in cars for private use. Just more laws to find fault, employ more tort lawyers, protect corporations from liability, and generally gouge the consumer for protection, from what I don't know.
May as well have Fat Vinny standing by your door with a lead pipe asking you to pay up for your own protection.

Skinny Vinny said...

Fat Vinny has a black box in his car. There's a body innit.

Hung said...

This is cool!

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