Helment Hats: The New Lampshade

I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I have too many bikes for my current lifestyle.  This may require some sort of blowout cash-and-carry crappy bike supersale at my storage facility in Brooklyn.  I need to take inventory.  If I do go through with it I'll let you know.*

*(All proceeds from such a sale would of course go to charity.)

I do not, however, have too many helments, and I especially don't have too many helments that look like regular hats.  In fact, I don't have any helments that look like regular hats, and after watching the video for this Kickstarter I can assure you that I never will:




I like to think I have a low tolerance for vanity.  I use Citi Bike.  I ride a Big Dummy in flip-flops.  I've even reverted to riding a Fred bike with hairy legs.  (I'm referring to my own legs.  My Fred bike does not have hairy legs, nor indeed any legs at all.)  Does this look like a fellow who frets over his appearance?

(Typical American cyclist or Japanese construction worker?  It's anybody's guess.)

I would argue that it does not.

However, even though I donned the above ensemble in jest during some bygone BRA and would never really ride a bike that way, I'd rather sport a DayGlo windbreaker and a teal glans on my head any day than wear a comically oversized golf hat:

Notice, for example, how when she wobbles awkwardly through the plaza every head turns to gaze in amazement at her formidable melon:

Sure, it is aerodynamic, I'll grant her that:

(She looks like Ronnie Corbett time-trialling.)

But is that really worth strapping what looks like a tweed turtle on your head?

I'd argue that it is not.

I'd also argue that this gentleman looks equally ridiculous:

I mean, skidding around on your fixie looks stupid enough:

But when you do it in a cardigan and a bloated jockey helment you just look like a petulant Fred Rogers:

(Thrills, seriously?  Your going 4mph.  There are helmentless ten year-olds getting "radder" than that.)

If you're going to dress like that, at least do something more cardigan-appropriate, like shopping for old books:

I'm glad to see this helment has been subject to rigorous testing.  Indeed, just as Mavic brought us the Diminutive Frenchman Unit, the makers of the Doof-Tastic Collapsible Helment Hat have brought us the Antiquarian Book Unit, or "ABU:"

Evidently this helment can withstand forces of up to one (1) ABU, so you can rest assured that if at some point during your commute someone rests a book on your head you'll be just fine.

Nice hat, Goldilocks:

And nice folding bike:

You should never, ever wear a helment while you're riding a folding bike.  It's highly irresponsible.  You know how people say you're supposed to be a good ambassador for cycling by stopping at lights and not salmoning and refraining from running down old ladies on the sidewalk and stuff like that?  Whatever.  I'll tell you what ruins the image of cycling more than any of those things put together, and it's the sight of someone riding a folding bike while wearing a helment.  It's unspeakably dorky.  For every mile you ride on a folding bike while wearing a helment, 30 people swear never to ride a bicycle for as long as they live.

Yeah, I know, you're concerned about your "safety" and you "don't wanna die" or "wind up a vegetable."

Whatever.

Stop being so damn selfish.

By the way, I bet this helment starts smelling bad in pretty short order, which is why if you wear one your significant other is liable to invite you to a wine bar specifically to break up with you:

("This is your choice: Ditch the stanky lid or find someone else.")

And you'll never even land a significant other in the first place if you opt for the "Groundskeeper Willie:"

He looks like he's wearing a Scottish umbrella on his head:

No brake, but at least he's safe if someone gently places a book on his noggin.

But when it comes to Kickstarter projects that sound like wanking, look no further than the "Rubbee:"


Yes, this man wants to give you a Rubbee:

(Make sure to use plenty of lube with your Rubbee™ continuously-variable home wanking machine.)

Hey, they gave Richard Branson a Rubbee and he looks happy:

Actually, judging by the way he's holding it, it may be more accurate to say he gave himself a Rubbee.

As I always say: "Give a man a Rubbee and he'll smile for a day, teach a man to use a Rubbee himself and he'll be a shut-in for a lifetime."

Lastly, in the world of portaging smugness, cargo bikes are out and cargo skateboards are in:

Just get a dolly and be done with it already.