Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Warning: This Building Is Under Video Survellance

I'm getting old.  Not Dorothy Rabinowitz old, but old enough that that I don't always immediately recognize satire anymore.  So, like, can anyone tell me if this blog is for real or not?


Once again, I beg of you, do not get road rage and hurt cyclists. I understand that when some douche bag is going 35 MPH under the speed limit and making you late for work, or keeping you from getting home to your family, it can be very tempting to take matters into your own hands. This is what they want. Cyclists ride their bikes on busy, high speed, high traffic roads, they are not afraid to be injured, or even die, for their pitiful cause of wreaking havoc on our roadways. They will go so far as to make the accidents themselves, injuries and all. Always be careful and alert, you never know when a cyclist will try and fake an accident, either to clean you out in court, but more importantly to get political capital to make new laws that give cyclists even more power to make our roads even more dangerous.

I suppose I could just ask the reader who forwarded me the link, but that would involve hitting "reply" and typing words, and then waiting for the reply to my reply, and by that time I'd be nearly as old as Dorothy Rabinowitz.  It certainly seems stupid enough to be real, though the advertisements point to parody:


Do a lot of people who hate cyclists and think they are faking their own deaths just to spite drivers also want to meet single cyclists for romance?

Actually, maybe they do, in the same way most homophobes secretly yearn for the touch of someone whose genitals match their own.

The other possibility is that Robs Fords are writing it, since it smacks of his crack-addled worldview:

Myth #3: It is a great tragedy when a cyclist is killed by a motorist.

Fact: Riding a bike on major highways with speed limits of up to 55MPH with hundreds of two ton vehicles is about as smart as playing Russian Roulette.
A lot of people gamble with their lives, soldiers, police officers, firemen for instance. When these people lose their lives it is a great tragedy because they lost their lives while pursuing noble efforts, catching criminals, saving lives, protecting freedoms. Getting killed because you thought it would be “cool” to tie up traffic during rush hour isn’t noble. Losing one’s life to stupidity isn’t a tragedy.
We at Spare the Road do not want to belittle anyone who has lost a loved one to this situation. However, as mentioned in Myth #1 most cyclists have no one who cares for them. If you are in that minority though we are sorry, sorry that your family member or friend was so selfish they cared more about being a jackass on public streets than being there for you. When some idiot on a bike gets hit by a car, it’s not a tragedy; the tragedy is his kids are going to have to grow up fatherless because their dad thought it would be awesome to “stick it to cagers” by riding his bike on busy streets.

In any case, it's pretty clear someone needs a hug.  So does Dorothy Rabinowitz for that matter.  (Those who have hugged her say it feels like hugging a bag of candy canes, only more brittle.)

Meanwhile, renegade filmmaker Casey Neistat continues to produce his irreverent brand of bicycle-themed YouTube videos.  At times, Neistat is brilliant, as in his famous bike lane video.  Other times, he's kinda douchey, as in this latest video:



Basically, Neistat has a studio so large he can skateboard in it:

 

But instead of just bringing his bike inside, he skids around on the sidewalk feeling angry that there's no bike parking immediately in front of his building:

   
(Sidewalk riding?!?  Dorothy Rabinowitz is going to plotz!)
See?


"Sometimes," he explains, "I have to lock my bike over other bikes:"


So basically, Neistat locks his bike on top of yours because he can't be bothered to bring it into his gigantic studio.

Dick.

Then his bike gets stolen because he locks it wrong.  So he takes matters into his own hands and installs a rack on the sidewalk all by himself.  He also uses a brass knuckle knife to open boxes and jots down measurements on his hand with a Sharpie, because he's just that badass:

 

The bike rack, he explains, will solve all his bike parking problems--though not the scranus problems he must have from that seat angle:


I wasn't sure how much good the bike rack would do, since if bike parking is as scarce on his street as he says it is then it will be full in a matter of minutes anyway and he won't even get to use it--though it's all moot anyway, since predictably the city makes him remove it:



So ultimately, instead of going through all that trouble, he could have just made a video of himself installing one of those hoist-a-bike things from Nashbar in his studio:
(Disembodied hands hoist mountain bike of yesteryear.)

I realize ordering stuff from Nashbar is not considered "badass," but he could still open the box with the scary knife, and he could also write the order number on his hand with a Sharpie while he's waiting for the confirmation email.  He could even compensate for the decreased "badassitude" factor by using a "Saintraper" road bike, as forwarded by another reader:

I'm pretty sure I saw Saintraper open for Morbid Angel at Sundance in Bay Shore.  I'm also pretty sure that Saintraper has a Taintraper saddle:


Actually, it looks a lot like the saddle Casey Neistat was riding.

Of course, if your taint is being ravaged by your saddle you may be considering a recumbent bike, and here's one Kickstarter entrepreneur who seems to think he invented them:


I didn't think it was possible to make the recumbent bicycle less practical but he seems to have managed, and like any good inventor he shares his "Eureka!" moment with us:


"My girlfriend and I came back from a two-hour bike ride, and let me tell you my tail end was in pain."

I'm not sure exactly what they did during that ride to cause him so much pain in that area, but here he is indicating the size of whatever it was she inserted in there:

"Eureka!" indeed.

Also, here's his friend:


With those Roy Scheider-esque movie star good looks, it's not difficult to imagine him sweeping Dorothy Rabinowitz right off her feet and right into his Banana Hammock.

By the way, I was especially intrigued by the "urban" model, which is specially designed for city riding, presumably because it's spray-painted black:


As far as urban transport goes, you'd be a lot better off just carrying a beach chair onto the subway with you.

79 comments:

Anonymous said...

Podeeummm

Yarpo said...

Podium?

Yarpo said...

Thnurd?

ChamoisJuice said...

badonkadonk

babble on said...

Woooo Hooo! Scumbags R Us!

Perry said...

If an unsophisticated city like Salt Lake can survive and maybe even thrive with Bike Share, i am pretty sure that NYC will be able to muddle through just fine.

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/56405051-78/greenbike-lake-salt-minutes.html.csp

82medici said...

I'm second, since Anon cant spell, Yarpo duplicated and CJ is an idiot.

leroy said...

Well now honestly, "spare the road and spoil the inner child."

It's like they've read my mind.

And as my dog often reminds me, that ought to be punishment enough.

babble on said...

Got a date with a hill... and a song.

Back in a bit!

Anonymous said...

Cleveland yeah!

ChamoisJuice said...

What is worse? Recumbent riders or triathletes? Excluding those with degenerative injuries, who have a legitimate excuse not to ride a proper bike?

Neither can wheelie.



Anonymous said...

The banana hammock thing makes my knees hurt just looking at it. Looks like the range of motion in your knee joint is between about 90 and 110 degrees. Maybe it's the perfect bike for all those fatties who ride with their saddle like a foot too low.

Anonymous said...

Fitness single girl, mmmmm

Flyover bike commuter said...

I wonder if the high-rise stem on the fitness single girl's bike has a strange "till her" effect?

Anonymous said...

I like the bumper sticker, sharing is for commies and so is cycling. I may have to purchase that.

Comment deleted said...

Where can I get me one of those Taintraper saddles?

Yarpo said...

82medici: Okay, YOU can be Thnurd, but I'm still Second. There.

The excitement of the Bananahamahamahama makers: they need to switch to decaf 'cuz real caffeine is wigging them out.

Finally read yestermonday's entry: way to launch the BNCS (Blogular Nuclear Counter-Strike) back at Dorothy Rabinowitz.

A scoop of Cottage Cheese on a lettuce leaf...feh, feh, feh, hack.

If Casey Neistat-Badass wants to be a REAL badass, he would lose the World War One trench knife and use a box cutter which, as you all know, brought America to it's knees when wielded by the 9/11 hijackers.
I don't mean that to be funny, but, just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

i didn't think the casey neistat video was even remotely douchy. very possible that he is not allowed to bring his bike into the building as is the case with many buildings here in nyc (i know there are relatively new laws that require certain commecial buildings to allow this, but these are easily circumvented). Oh yes, and good luck with having more sorely needed bike racks installed in our city now that the Citibike racks are all over the place. a little citibike backlash which will impact us who don't use them because they are priced mainly for tourist. Of course if we are allowed to start locking our bikes to the Citibike racks I'm okay with that.

3G said...

Saintraper! Now with more saint!

Anonymous said...

speaking of goofy tiller effect, the unwieldly steering caused by the swinging hammock seat can't be a good thing, I can see people weaving advertantly in and out of traffic and getting maimed by the dozen. Will make great fodder for the Spare the Road blog.

Guy with a white van said...

Saintraper? I hardly knew her!

The King of Park Slope said...

"However, as mentioned in Myth #1 most cyclists have no one who cares for them."

They've got a point.

RoadQueen said...

Maybe I'm a dork, but I really want to try out one of those hammock bikes. :P

ken e. said...

the work week crushes me, but it gives the legs a chance to recover.

balls™ said...

Scranus.
Taint.

vacating futhfa

mikeweb said...

"Once again, I beg of you, do not get road rage and hurt cyclists. I understand that when some douche bag is going 35 MPH under the speed limit and making you late for work, or keeping you from getting home to your family..."

I think what they really mean to say is '...or keeping you from getting home to your couch, 72" flat panel TV and refrigerator...'

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE YARPO.


(ZOD)

Marcel Da Chump said...

Spare the satire.

mikeweb said...

So I'm halfway into Casey's video and... Does he realize he can simply go to NYC.gov or call 311 and ask that a bike rack - shit 5 BIKE RACKS - be installed on that block?

And because of the all powerful bike lobby it will be done within 2 weeks.

CommieCanuck said...

Saint Raper?

Tobais Funke would approve.

ANUS TART

psycho-analyst said...

Mr. Spare-the-Road is a self-important jackass, who's projecting his behavior onto us selfless bikers.

If bikers could make him do anything, we would make him take a different route to work, or leave the house a little earlier so he won't be late.

DerZoots said...

Just had half a Tortellini & Pesto Pizza. Nomnomnom.
Very nomnom good.

That hammock sled looks like an electra townie made the babies with a recumbent.


Robo-repelant: person Goatega

dnk said...

Well, the Spare the Road blog features a couple of helpful links to reference posts, such as a glossary of cycling terms.

From which I learned about "cagers." To call someone a "cager," you see, is to hurl an insult that is "much like the F-word to gay people or the N-word to black people."

So if you understand why bicycle riding people throw the C-word around (um, that is, "cager") then I guess you have gained a deeper understanding into bicycling. And why some people hate it.

Or something.

So take that, you shameless fucking cagers.

Roille Figners said...

Which is best?

demonic

tribal

or
New Wave of British Heavy Metal a.k.a. Iron Maiden ripoff

Jason Rumfelt said...

i havent even finished reading today's blog, and I am outraged!
I mean, who the fuck are the idiots who come up with this anti bike shit? its almost as bad as the asshole racists bastards that have a problem with the new cheerios ad. fuck those cock smokers. as for Rabinowitz, I have a bag of dicks with her name on it.

SteveL said...

Spare the Road is a Spoof.

They have a twitter feed too: @SpareTheRoad

Flyover BC said...

Hey DNK,

Back in the day, only outlaw bikers called car drivers "cagers".

Today's post confused me because I thought the Spare-the-Road comments were attributed to Dorothy (We're not in Kansas anymore) Rabinowitz. I figured she had a ghost writer doing her talking for her.

P. Bateman said...

so...anyone notice how the hammock looks like it would rub your thighs raw? or the fact that everyone was leaning forward a bit - i assume because a bent piece of metal tubing is not a great head rest.

also, how is that guy just now figuring out what the words awesome and cool mean? and i'm supposed to trust him to engineer something?

and lastly, those bikes are just god f'ing awful. i'd rather have him design a big metal banana that i could shove up my Rob Ford's Hole than ride one of those.

Anonymous said...

ugh...i know we have been over this..but...to the doucher overflowing out of his BMC kit getting his "training" on at noon on a tuesday in central park....screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING....FUCKING PAY ATTENTION" to a beautiful teenage Italian girl and her beautiful mother who both got a wobbly start at a red light...dear sir please fail to notice the 2 ton green parks services dump trucks that cruise the far right lane at about 35 mph and just gently swerve into one right as he overtakes you so you get run over by the front and back wheels or maybe you just spin round and round one of the wheels while the axl grinds your organs into a steaming pile of mush.....YOU are the reason people hate bicyclists....
1. central park at noon isn't for circuit training
2. frankly central park anytime isn't for circuit training but if you must....do it in the morning with all the other bro's when the park isn't filled with tourists and
children and old people and dogs
3. if you must douche out at noon notice how most members of the "clip-in" club are actually quiet and go wide right and will occasionally say on your right if they forsee a problem but don't start screaming at people 40 yards away because they think their stupid stretchy shirt and fancy bike gives them more rights on the road
4. i actually stopped and said, "just ignore that guy"....which due to language barrier they didn't understand and looked confused...so i pointed at your slowly receding back and then gave you the finger...they both laughed...it ruled!!!!!!!!!!

snob can you hurl some insult bombs at the contingent i'm attacking here.....you're infinitely better and more funny about it......

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I agree DerZoots. I would say if you're eyeballing the bananrama I'd just go ahead and go for the Electra townie. That way you can ride nice and straight without all the handlebar wagging. In their defense maybe the hapless victims they recruited to do the video hadn't got in enough "hammock" time to get used to the ride and hold a line but it could be a case of poorly designed frame geometry leading to the squirrelly looking handling. After all his buddy said he was an artist whose medium was metal tubes or something like that. There's a big difference between art and sound engineering principles.

That said I'm not hating on the banana bike. The bananarama is not really a recumbent even though it kind of looks like one. It's different and I like that. A fleet of those on a boardwalk to rent out would probably go over great. It'd surely be a hoot with a good margarita buzz then the twitchy steering wouldn't matter.

After that old bat's rant yesterday and today the spare the road asshat truly shows that idiocy knows no bounds.

McFly said...

Babble, I say this with all due respect(like Ricky Bobby), who dafuq puts a leash on a cat?

ChamoisJuice said...

anon 2:40: two truths in one post.

Everyone hates roadies.

The fastest way into a beautiful girl's pants is to flip off a spando warrior.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

2:40...

You realize the problem is that half the fun is the yelling itself....

..and therein lies one of those, what to ya call 'em?

Conundrums

mikeweb said...

And in conclusion 2:40,

The main reasons those types feel the need to yell is that:

1- They're afraid. Afraid of death, afraid of crashing and afraid that they will never be less fat or less ugly than they are right now.

2- They're selfish. Selfish meaning that they only think about themselves and the feelings of others don't exist. The concept of sharing anything with anybody has never entered their consciousness. Ever.

3- They're almost always small of stature. Height-wise, mentally, and sadly also in the banana hammock department.

all_your_ideas_belong_to_me said...

Perry,

I would not call SLC unsophisticated. This probably sums it up pretty good. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6qcBQoK7uI

SLC has the Great Lob on High telling them to do the bikeen lanes downtown. You, know, Lob 2.0, the mormon deity.


Robot stack failure

Name said...

Mikeweb,

I am small of stature and deeply offended by your comment.

Philly Bicycle Journal said...

Casey's excuse for why he can't bring his bike in; “ever been to new york city? nothing simple about bringing a bike inside”. Sounds like a real badass to me.

Dooth said...

I'd love to test ride the fuck out of that BananaHama with the Fitness Singles babe...or test fuck the ride out of the Fitness Singles babe.

Dorothy, Wicked Witch of the Fox-WSJ said...

Cool, Babble is making "Fitness Single Girl" ads.

I like the bag of dicks for Dorothy. But once their amputated they don't inflate anymore do they? But given her age maybe a bag of uninflatable dicks is charge enuf.

Swza said...

Snob,

Props on calling out that bitch Rabinowitz for her video.

It's old cunts like her that are helping create the culture in this country that makes idiots believe cyclists have no right to the road. I've definitely been getting more heat from drivers over the last year or two. Right now Americans are pissed off to begin with and whores like Rabinowitz make cyclists scape goats for the public. I hope you go through with your book giveaway.

Perry said...

all_your_ideas_belong_to_me @3:27 - I wouldn't necessarily say that SLC is unsophisticated either. I was peripherally referring to the way the NYC thinks that it is the center of the universe and that everything between the coasts is cow country.

Anyway, I live in SLC and I think it is probably the best city in the world if you like mountain biking and skiing and a totally manageable cost of living. The lack of church/state separation is a bit annoying, but I think that the unparalleled access outdoor activities more than makes up for it.

babble on said...

OMG it's a BEAUTIFUL day! Sunshine in Vancouver is actually intoxicating.

Roille - tribal.

McFly, I know, RIGHT? Sappy scumbags with more ethics than sense, that's who.

Anonymous said...

Perry, is your city/town a terrorist target?
Try to understand life during an existential threat, you'll see why NYC KNOWS it's the center of the universe.

all_your_ideas_belong_to_me said...

Perry,

While I agree it is good for the bikeen cycling, you must live downtown, or near the college, or be a Lob 2.0 friendly type cyclist.

Outside that tiny area, unless you are Lob 2.0 friendly, it can be rather lonely. To be fair to the Lob 2.0 acolytes, they are nice folks. One or two want to convert you, politely, most of the time outside the downtown bubble.

A word of warning to those looking for the next smug capital of A-meh-ricuh, lots of odd laws because religion is infused into the laws. You can't have more than one wine glass per person on a table in a restaurant. Alcohol tax is a **killer** at the State-run liquor stores. This is a triple whammy because the *very* dry climate leads to great thirst.

Ride safely.

Another stack failure by the robot

leroy said...

I too am vertically challenged and wounded, deeply, deeply wounded, by Mikeweb's insensitive comment.

Sniffle. Sniffle.

(I'm not crying. It's allergies. Yes, allergies or maybe dust.)

At least in the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.

He's such a comfort. Wonder where he went. And why he took my wallet.

Roille Figners said...

No badass is ever named Casey.

"Having disemboweled the hapless constable with his Whatever Knife, he hissed in the policeman's ear 'If you live through this, tell them Casey did this to you. Do you hear me? CASEY TOOK YOU DOWN!'"

Just would never happen.

Dee Dee OConnor said...

"Commies"? Didn't that word go out in the 80's?

mikeweb said...

Sorry everyone.

When I said small of stature, what I really meant is that they collect miniature replicas of the Eiffel Tower, Empire State Building, etc. and Hummels. Yeah, Hummels too.

leroy said...

Thank you mikeweb.

Apology accepted.

I assume you're not including people who collect sno-globes, bottle caps, string, Star Wars action figures, and Mr. T memorabilia, right?

That doesn't make one odd no matter what my dog says.

McFly said...

What happened to BGW? Did he beat feet for the Greater Pacific Northwest? More pointedly to VanCouger? Even more pointedly to Babbles Vaglia Rosa? Probably. Am I jealous? Yes. Do I blame him? No. Why am I answering my own questions? Because I know the answers.

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Jasper666 said...

After I die in a self-inflicted, sympathy-induing cycl-accident, I want to be reborn as the top tube on the too tall bike that the cycl-dating webular site chick is astriding. That's all I'm saying...

Anonymous said...

I have been storing my bikes indoors with the LAWD™ (lean-against-the-wall-device) available from Wal-Mart.

~granitic horatio typouslo

The Rook said...

Christian Single Bicycling Dating Service girl says, always wear a helment.

babble on said...

You guys are soooo funny. You're my other happy pill.

And the neighbors think more of this cause at least when I'm chuckling over your wisecracks I'm not singing badly in the tree-tops like a cuckoo.

They thank you.

Anonymous said...

Wal-Mart has comped me a LAWD™ (Lean-Against-the-Wall-Device) for my personal bike storage because I mentioned them in BSNYC comments. I am ecstatic.

McFly said...

Fitness Singles gal is suffering from a severe and advanced case of Helment Mushroom Head, yet, still.....I cannot look away. Maybe it's the way she is gripping that water bottle. Maybe it's the way I am a perv.

mark ifi said...

i think the hammock recumbents are cool.

Anonymous said...

What the fuck is wrong with people?

Anonymous said...

Some of them project their amphetamine induced paranoia onto others.

Dave said...

The hammock recumbent is the very apotheosis of dorkitude! Not that there's anything wrong with that. I say, embrace your inner dork, sirs! Sway proudly along the busy highways of our nation at 10 kph! Sacrifice yourselves to the meat-grinder car-culture to shame them into submission! I'll sit here and watch.

babble on said...

Er... I was under the impression that the ads on a web page are the kinds of things the reader is interested in, based on a page-view history, and not based upon the interests of the author of the page in question.

Not to spoil the fun, or anything, cause frankly fitchick is the most interesting thing on that particular page.

Just, you know, sayin'...

babble on said...

I'm with you, Dave. Sometimes it's nice to watch.

Anonymous said...

Like just sayin'

Anonymous said...

It's Wednesday bitches! You know what that means.

(that tomorrow's Thursday)

Anonymous said...

Don't like the Banahamma. Love the David Sanborn & MSB.

Anonymous said...

Pretty sure Spare The Road is satire. The post entitled "More Responses to Readers" says:

If cyclists want to know about my mother, she was a saint. I say “was” because she is no longer with us. When I was 14 my mother was ran over by a cyclist running a red-light as we were walking through town back to her car. We had the right of way, but the cyclists didn’t care. While she was badly injured she did survive and I was able to carry her to the car. Even though I barely knew how to drive I attempted to get her to the nearest hospital. However on the way we got stuck behind a group of spandex warriors going 25 MPH under the speed limit. I was unable to pass them and my mother died in the car on the way to the ER. I begged them to let us pass but was essentially told to go fuck myself.

http://sparetheroadblog.blogspot.ca/2012/08/more-repsonses-to-readers.html

Anonymous said...

Excuse my I-am-not-a-resident-of-US innocence, but can't you just ask the local council to install a bike rail outside the apartment block?

Alonzo said...

This is cool!