Thursday, June 6, 2013

Sharing Is Caring...For Nazis!

Remember how I said maybe I'd hang out around the News Corporation headquarters tomorrow and give away free books?


Well, yeah, I'm not going to do that.

I have other shit to do.

Rest assured I'll loiter somewhere some day and give books away, but it's not going to be tomorrow.

Sorry.



Evidently it took six (6) designers to figure out how to make a bike bell look exactly like an Apple TV


("Belll")


(Apple TV)

It just goes to show that simply because something involves both bikes and Dutch people there's no guarantee it will be any good.

Also, where have I heard this before?

Seems to me some fruity computer company had a slogan like that back in the '90s.

Still, the "Bell" is vastly more clever than the BikeWatch bike alarm:


BikeWatch from Elvijs on Vimeo.

Basically, it stymies the thief by emitting a mildly irritating beeping sound until he removes it by undoing the four screws that secure it to the seatpost and throws the fucking thing in the trash:

Yeah, usually "easy to install"also  means "easy to remove," which is not exactly a desirable characteristic of a theft-prevention device.

In other news, someone has finally made sense of this whole bike share thing:

Basically, it's a Nazi-Muslim "collabo" designed to bring New York City to its knees:

Bicycles are one of the obsessions of Mayor Bloomberg and his transportation secretary Janette Sadik-Khan. Khan is the granddaughter of Imam Alimjan Idris, a Nazi collaborator and principle teacher at an SS school for Imams under Hitler’s Mufti, Haj Amin al-Husseini. The bio of his son, Wall Street executive Orhan Sadik-Khan, frequently mentions the bombing of the family home in Dresden and surviving trying times after World War II. It neglects to mention that the times were only trying because their side was losing.

In 1933, Idris wrote a letter asking why Allah would have chosen the Jews, whom he described as, “the most despicable, repulsive and corrupting nation on earth.” It’s hard to say what Imam Idris would have made of his granddaughter marrying a Jewish law professor and peddling bikes that no one wants from a nearly bankrupt Montreal government company.

But considering that Imam Idris was at times accused of being a Soviet agent and did some work for Imperial Japan, it seems likely that he would have understood.

In partial revenge, Khan has made many New York streets nearly as impassable as those of her grandfather’s wartime Dresden. Bike lanes have turned two lane streets into one lane streets. Infidels sit in their cars and honk while bike lanes go unused and midtown bus lanes sit empty except for the occasional daring taxi driver braving the bus lane camera and the 150 dollar fine.

Even Dorothy Rabinowitz is impressed:


By the way, Dorothy Rabinowitz looks a lot like Sean Penn in the movie "This Must Be The Place:"


If you think a movie named after a Talking Heads song in which Sean Penn plays an aging rock star who looks suspiciously like Robert Smith (or Dorothy Rabinowitz) and who returns to America to track down the Nazi war criminal who haunted his Holocaust survivor father would be bad, then you're absolutely right, but it was free on Netflix.  Also, David Byrne is in it:


To me this is merely more evidence that the Jews, the Nazis, the Muslims, the Communists (do they still have Communists?), and the entertainment industry are conspiring to destroy America by augmenting our cities's mass transit systems with sluggish bicycles.  The plot seems to be working, too, if Craigslist is any indication:

***Hottie with a BODY at the BiKe ShArE*** - m4w - 24
I was like, good gracious, Citi Bike is bodacious
Flirtatious, trying to show faces
I'm waiting for the right time to shoot my steez you know
Waiting for the right time to flash them ki's, then
I'm leaving, please believing, oh!
Me and the rest of my helmet-wearing heathens
Check it, got it locked at the top of the Fo' Seasons

It's only a matter of time before someone sets this to music, and I don't want to be within earshot when that happens.

Fortunately though, Americans have stupidity their side, and we'll probably be saved from this evil bike share plot by our moronic inability to operate vending machines:



Just walk to another station, you dimwits, there's one like every fourteen feet:


I'm surprised they've lived to physical maturity without dying of thirst in front of a malfunctioning Coke machine.

90 comments:

Anonymous said...

PORT LAND

mikeweb said...

Also looks like Robert Smith

@rural_14 said...

rural 1st!
and 1st in general!
Now I can die happily!

How ironic that I am also listening to Mel Brooks & Carl Reiner at the same time as reading this....you're up there with the greats Mr Snob.

Name said...

Top 3

rural 14 said...

Rural oh damn!

Next time I'll dope.

necessity mouseki is the name of my robot

Fergie said...

WMBA mountain bike fest this Sunday at Blue Mountain in Peekskill.

www.wmba.org

Be there and be square!

All The Black People In Portland said...

Squeezing Dorothy Rabinowitz's ass on the ** PODIUM ** ??? Next time!

Not David Byrne said...

Thank you for correctly attributing the name of my band today.

DerZoots said...

NO READ YOU FUCKEN TOP TENSZZZZZZZZZZZ


Robo deflections - concerning xsivelo

DerZoots said...

Fuck yeah







entifyve and

unDavid Byrne said...

*ahem* AN Talking Heads song, if you will

unDavid Byrne said...

*ahem* AN Talking Heads song, if you please...

McFly said...

Robert Smith really went to hell.

mikeweb said...

I'm impressed! Greenfield managed to get 4 paragraphs in before using the word 'Nazi'. And they say people can't change...

McFly said...

I would imagine that seatpost alarm has a Triple-Redundant FailSafe System and the electrical system of the bikecycle will shut down entirely if it is tampered with.

jno62 said...

Thanks for the grins and giggles, Snobby!

Anonymous said...

Life in nyc seemingly is full of undesirable aspects. Once considered the place to play, and perhaps live, I bid it a fine a·dieux.

ciao fuckers

crosspalms said...

Paranoia runs deep indeed. Everybody look what's going down in NY, please, so Chicago's bike-share can start next week without anybody noticing.

mikeweb said...

So that Bikewatch thing that actually might be fairly useful failed miserably to raise funds, yet the bar bicycle with the giant Eagle on top from yesterday is almost at goal (as of yesterday).

Interesting.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I'm not really sure what "Shoot my steez" is but I think I'd like to give it try. I looked in the urban dictionary but the term has not been defined yet.

crosspalms said...

Unless the Nazi Islamic Bikes from Hell bring the world to an end before that.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Don't trust a Shillman journalism fellow.

Anonymous said...

You mean an THE Talking Heads song

mikeweb said...

Mmmm... I loves me some good Krug.

Thanks, cp.

leroy said...

If it rains, give away books on the bus.

The King formerly of Park Slope said...

Kudos good sir ... Krugman usually limits his idea theft to financial blogs.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

is a brass crane bell ($14 and rings so sweetly!) not 7 million time prettier than that Apple TV Bell that has been designed just "for the looks"?

paulb said...

I feel bad that I gave that stupid Greenfield rant a click-thru.

DB, if you are still looking for ideas for your NYC trip--look up the Morris-Jumel Mansion in upper Manhattan. One of my NY faves.

ChamoisJuice said...

HOME....home is where I want to be.

FUCK WORK

Charlie Didrickson said...

OMG they did it again. I just knew somebody would one day design a bike bell!

Comment deleted said...

Apple will be coming after them. All devices invented from this point on must not have rounded corners.

mikeweb said...

Not sure if everyone saw this yet.

Pretty spot on.

dnk said...

Snob,

I was already to storm the barricades with you at the headquarters of the Wall Street Journal. I even filled a mason jar with rosewater and put two bandannas inside of it. The bandannas were to be worn to keep away the volleys of tear gas. (Tear gas is fired in "volleys").

And don't even get me started on the Country Joe and the Fish mix loaded on the boombox.

Plus the muttonchops that I've been working on all week.

Sigh.

But then again

RoadQueen said...

Quick, somebody give that Dutch Dude an ass-ton of cash so that I can order an Apple TV Belll in PINK.

Pretty please?

oksorts inflicted

RoadQueen said...

RCT:

He’s waiting for the right chance to pour his mac sauce aka steeze aka charm on the lady friend

Source link:
http://rapgenius.com/Nelly-hot-in-herre-lyrics#note-230385

It's a lyric line from the Nelly song, Hot In Herre.

Good God man, get hip!

fendeir his <-- Now that, I'm not sure about.

Jimboner said...

I got my belll I'm gonna take you to helll.

That is triple fucking toothpicks!

BamaPhred said...

What, no protest?
Just as well
Left home on roadbikeen bike
as soon as I heard.
Got distracted by county line "exotic dance club" on way out of town. Somehow bike turned itself into dollar bills and the last thing I remember was trying to explain to extremely large, angry man that I was just trying to give the poor girl a "Sagan".

babble on said...

they added the extra letter just for the ell of it...

babble on said...

Snobbers, you are such a tease.... and here I had my tickets booked.

Dale said...

Top 40!! Wheee!!

theEel said...

Weed.

Anonymous said...


Hey Greenfield, why not just dump your Citi stock. All of it.



erderari tuis

Kyle said...

Rabinowitz just spewed cottage cheese all over her typewriter

crosspalms said...

Kyle,
Luckily she knows the trick to cleaning it. You have one of your servants carry it down to the loading dock and leave it overnight. By morning the rodents have licked it completely clean (although they may have eaten the ribbon, too).

Wasted Away in Margaritaville said...

BABBLE (yesterday's comment post). I don't know what you were drinking, but I'd like one too. Actually, make it a double.

g-roc said...

Snob, insightful as usual, but I have to wonder exactly who you're writing for. Based on yesterday's comments, you'd do better by writing about defecation.

turnips ownlyxe - is that a euphemism?

all_your_ideas_belong_to_me said...

Comment Deleted,

Mmm. Yes, my minions at Apple will be coming after those no good bell-making scoundrels stealing my patents on rounded corners and straight sides just to name two. The colorway may infringe some Trademarks too.

Pay me the first of every month in perpetuity, and I won't sue.


See how good it is to be able to patent anything? Thank WIPO and Congress for such a valuable policy.

Robot stack failure (TM)

leroy said...

mikeweb --

That venn diagram makes a lot of sense.

My dog explained conservatives' antipathy to bikes:

"They hate us for our freedom."

It's like fundamentalism without the fun.

CommieCanuck said...

"This Must be the Place" was surprisingly good.

The bells on Citi bikes have been modified to yell out, "Khaaaaannn!" from Star Trek (William Shatner, not the gay Spock in the new movie, which is an amemic, eu..Khan!..eu)

Casey Jones, Derailed said...

Mother of Darkness, make that Holy Mother of Darkness. What the "h-e double hockey sticks" am I going to do with my reservation on AMTRAK for tomorrow? Holy McFly anti-gravity merde. Screw it, maybe I'll go anyway and hang in front of the News Building to see if Dorothy comes out in her Bat Girl costume, I hear she's playing the part of Bat Merde in the next Batman flick. This ticket won't get me to Vancouver, so I can't head there to get in a ride with Babble. BS has things to do tomorrow, yeah, right, really rich, places to go, people to meet, cocktails to chug, joints to puff, etc, etc. What Bull Merde.

CommieCanuck said...

I'm sure, like Apple, "The Bell" company will be worth half its current value in 6 months, which is half of 555 pounds , which is still pretty heavy. (Yeah, I don't understand Britland money).

I think The Bell (awesome name)charges you 99 cents every time you use it, and can only be heard by other people who bought The Bell, and they are charged 99 cents.

CommieCanuck said...

Snob, I don't think Dorothy (or Dot, as she was known in her stripper days) would actually say that.

I think the actual quote is, "...I know a thing or two about being crazy, and cream cheese does not attract ants. I pooped myself."

DB said...

BlocBoi would rock those Craigslist lyrics.
Thanks, paulb for the mansion info, I'll check it out, and thanks to everyone yesterday for the advice. You guys are the best

leroy said...

For tomorrow's quiz.

Which one of these is not like the others?

A. Fred shouting "Wilma!"
B. Dagwood shouting "Blondie!"
C. Desi shouting "Lucy!"
D. Daniel Grennfield shouting "Khan!"

Hint: it's the one least like an actual sentient being.

Synonymous said...

More cowbelll!

Top 60!

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard I wet my Grundle towel


("trymmum circum" to you, too, robot that asks me to prove I'm not a robot)

Dooth said...

WTF, Hitler had a mufti? Ugh! Bet he shaved it like his mustache.

Anonymous said...

So uhm, it's a standard bell inside a square box. Well, that is kind of different.

Anonymous said...

How about alerting people to ones approach by shouting DING,DING or AAH-OO-GAH?

~Very Horatio Essaxtu

Anonymous said...

How about alerting people to ones approach by shouting NICE TITS!

Pope Babble, Sure Thing Next Time said...

If you pull up behind Babble yell "Nice legs".

DB said...

Oh, Boy. My wife is excited about going to Brooklyn. She's reading Chaim Potok and checking out Hasidic neighborhoods. Next thing I know she'll be on Hasid Mingle.

all_your_ideas_belong_to_me said...

That's no standard bell.

That bell has distinct curved corners and special sides that infringe multiple patents on really original curved corners and straight sides. I've sued websites because they used my original curves in their theme.

Did I mention the colorway patent? People might confuse that color with the color of a chair that I have patented.

Definitely ready to fire off the infringement form letters.

I own those truly original ideas, so pay me.

Ain't WIPO grand?

Onespeed said...

After much reinvention I am proud to introduce to you "The Wheell".

Skiptooth Lotus Eater said...

If I were to pull up behind Babs I'd only yell to let her know someone was coming.

Roille Figners said...

I don't feel tardy.

This shit's blowing my mind you guys! (the Nazi shit)

Maybe letting rich-ass douches buy up all the media wasn't such a great idea after all, hey?

I don't know what's worse, their thinking I would believe any of those fake-ass made-up quotes, or thinking I might still be scared of Nazis. (I mean come on, living in America nowadays makes Nazis look positively QUAINT.)

"How'd you like some soil?"

soil elevyea

Alex X helment fascist said...

Still no Citi Bikes on the Upper Least Side or Astoria/LIC. :(

another isteryH

babble on said...

heh heh... yeah I like that... sure thing shoe ins r us...

Anonymous said...

Did y'all seriously miss the homage to Nelly in the Craigslist lyrics?

Vegas said...

Helments are optional, tiny mustaches are not.

That belll is for ding dongs.


I'm heading to the doc to look at my
yellowish scyptst

Beep Beep Beep Beep said...

A hammer would likely fix that bike alarm thingy. Maybe someone could put them on the Citibikes and then the anti bike share nazis would have something real to whinge about. In fact why don't the anti bike share nazis lock up the Citibikes with those crappy cable locks from the One Dollar Store? That'd give everyone something to whinge about.

ce said...

Did Daniel Greenfield invoke "Godwin's Law" in his article?

No, not quite, it was more an example of what is known as:

GODWIN'S MOTHERFUCKING LAW, MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRS!!!

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ce said...

...awkward silence...

Ah, sorry about that, I was trying to portray the magnitude of mental in the "Six Degrees of Nazi Bike Share" argument. Mission accomplished!

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McFly said...

The Shaman Cycles asks for no quarter and give none. It grabs hold of that line between speed and chaos and wrestles it to the ground like a demon cobra then rides it through the gates of hell on a skull horse.

ce said...

McFly, it seems you might share my interest in mushroom cultivation?

RoadQueen said...

Anonymous said...
Did y'all seriously miss the homage to Nelly in the Craigslist lyrics?

JUNE 6, 2013 AT 9:15 PM

Anon,

No, I pointed it out. So there.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I don't get into rap that much.

-ntsscia subjecto

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Actually I don't get into rap at all.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I'll tolerate a songs worth of that slim shady guy but that's about it.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I do like the Beasie Boys too so I guess I do get into rap. White rap anyways.

I'm not a racist though. I love old timey jazz and African drum music.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

And I like talking to myself.

Roille Figners said...

I was really into rap in 1989/90 when it was everywhere and all up in yo' FACE! but then Public Enemy jumped the shark in about '91 and then came The Grunge.

Roille Figners said...

Hence, I don't know "deuce" about anything newer than that.

Anonymous said...

Road Queen:

I guess I was just nonplussed that it even needed to be pointed out. I'm not Dorothy Rabinowitz old, but I figured that if even I, in my dotage, caught that reference, pretty much everyone should have.

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Anonymous said...

"Out of our minds and into your hands" (Minolta)


Morons.

dorothy rabinowitz said...

KHAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

Choose DIY and wondering... said...

The 'All You Can Eat Salad Bar' at Sizzler comes with a complementary Pulitzer Prize. Nobody needs to disrespect Bikes Sharing.