Losing Your Way: Smart Phones, Dumb Riders

Further to yesterday's post about dragging kids around, a reader had this to say:

Dennis said...

Kids that big being carried around like dead weight in a trailer? What's to be smug about? Kids age 12 and 6!? They make really nice 7 speed bikes that can fit a five year old.

If your kid is four and not riding his own bike? Well. I'm not comparing your kid to my kid. I'm not saying your kid is retarded because retarded is such an unacceptable word and that's why I'm not using it. Every kid develops at their own rate. Maybe your kid will get her training wheels off when she's 6. Like how it was in the 70s. How retro! It's fine. No pressure. Don't pressure your kid to ride by 4, please. Carry them around and let them play first person shooters and watch Pixar sequels nowhere in your sight while you pedal. You do that. Tens of millions of American kids spend their days exactly the same way. 

Some kids will cross the Rockies in the back seat of an SUV glued their screens, and others will do so in a bike trailer. Same experience, for them. I guess it's an epic trip for the SUV's engine, or the guy pulling the bike trailer.

All I'm saying is, I'm not seeing nothing in your kids to be smug about.

June 24, 2013 at 5:16 PM

Oh, save it, Dennis.

It's one thing when "grown-ups" go around trying to out-smug each other (this is the basis of Portland's entire "bike culture"), but it's quite another to start dragging the children into it.  "My four year-old's a bigger Fred than your four year-old."  Gimme a break.  Plus, what happens when your kid gets a little older and decides he hates bikes?  Hey, it can happen.  I hope my kid still likes to ride as he gets older, but if he doesn't then so what?  As long as he doesn't dabble in anything truly stupid and dangerous, like God or religion, then I'm happy.

In the meantime, I've decided to launch a Kickstarter for my own "family adventure," and I've chosen as my destination the North Pole--though unfortunately I couldn't find it on G--gle Maps:

Granted, I did major in English at a state university so my knowledge of pretty much everything is hazy at best, but I'm pretty sure the North Pole's not in Flushing.

Therefore, I set my sights a little lower (latitudinally speaking), and instead zeroed in on a northern location G--gle could actually find:

Though when I clicked the button that gives you bicycling directions I got this message:

We could not calculate directions between [my address, redacted because I don't want your hate mail] and Grise Fiord, NU X0A 0J0, Canada.

Whatever, no big deal.  It seems pretty straightforward anyway until you get to about here, at which point I assume you just ask a helpful Mountie or flag down a water taxi:

Oh, sure, I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "Not only is it horribly irresponsible to take an American child to Canada, but it's doubly irresponsible to bring him to that part of Canada, where the average yearly temperature is 2.3 °F or [mumblemumblemumble]°C and there are only three (3) Tim Hortons per dozen residents."

Well you can relax about that too, because I'm not bringing my kid, I'm just bringing a loaner kid.  Plus, I've got toasty warm outfits for us to wear:

(Me)

(The kid.)

I don't see what could possibly go wrong.

Speaking of directions, some company asked me if I wanted to try this:

Like any good 21st century douchebag, I have a smartphone.  I also use it for directions, even when I'm on a bicycle.  Even so, the last thing I want is my phone staring me in the fucking face while I'm riding my bicycle.  There you are, settling into a nice rhythm on the climb, when in comes the "Can you pick up some toilet paper on the way home?" text.  Look, I'm always happy to pick up toilet paper, but it really takes you out of the moment.  At least if it's in my pocket I can wait until I stop to urinate before reading it.

Plus, all this smartphone technology is making cyclists incredibly soft, and we were already pretty much the wimpiest leisure athletes out there anyway.  The whole "cyclists know how to suffer" thing is a total myth.  Think your "century" is an accomplishment?  Go out and run for 45 minutes and report back--unless of course you're a triathlete, in which case you're not a cyclist anyway so your opinion doesn't count.  So get the damn phone off your bars already.  You know what the best motivation for "training" is?  The fear of getting lost.  When getting dropped from the group means being left in the middle of nowhere 50 miles from home then you find the energy to hold onto that wheel no matter what.

Then again, I might be willing to make an exception for this smartphone mount:

(Via them.)

That would look great on your Rivendell.

I'll also readily acknowledge that putting a smartphone on your handlebars is not nearly as bad as wearing a navigational helment:

Interestingly, the utility of this helment goes way beyond bike share, since by pegging it to the Citi Biek system they've essentially created a helment that will guide the wayward gentrifier to the nearest white neighborhood no matter what they're riding:

Feeling uneasy?  Haven't seen a Brooklyn Industries or a Connecticut Muffin for a few blocks?  Just follow the pulsing light and you'll be out of that "sketchy" neighborhood and enjoying a craft beer in no time.

Lastly, I've received an email that the Bicycle Film Festival is coming to New York:

BFF NY is coming quickly!
— BicycleFilmFestival (@bffworld) June 25, 2013

Coming quickly, eh?  Maybe it should think about baseball.

The email also contained a few previews (or what we in the industry call "trailers") including this one:

 

Yikes.

Someone needs a solid meal, a beer, and a hug.