Thursday, May 9, 2013

Spoilt for Choice: So Many Bikes

Good morning!

Philadelphia:



I'm going to be there tonight and I hope you will be too.

Actually, I have to catch a train to the aforeskin-mentioned metropopolis in about nine minutes, and you'd better believe I'm typing with one hand, packing with the other, and folding up my clown bike with my feet.

I used to have a helper monkey named Vito who used to perform those sorts of mundane tasks for me (I mean writing this blog, there's no way I'd let a monkey touch my bike), but he died.


I realize it's sad but don't shed a tear for him.  Vito lived by the credo "Live Fast, Dayenu."

He also got a shit-ton of "red:"


For most people a red light means stop, but for Vito it meant drop your pants and go, go, go.

Speaking of mischievous primates, a Twitterer informs me that Don Rickles rides a recumbent:

I was unable to find a photo of Don Rickles actually riding a recumbent, which is a shame, because I now want to see a photo of Don Rickles riding a recumbent more than anything else in the world.  Pending that, however, this will have to suffice:


In other news via Twitter, this Twitterer alerted me to this tweet from the Brooklyn Academy of Music:

As you may recall, the current David Byrne bike racks in front of BAM say "micro lip," and here's my Scattante locked up to it:


"Micro lip," of course, is a tragic affliction of the labia, and David Byrne has been one of the foremost advocates in raising public awareness of both "micro lip" and the fact that he doesn't own a car.  That's why winning the BAM "What should David Byrne's next useless bike rack say?" contest is going to be laughably easy:


David Byrne's flatulent brain farts brilliance and whimsy.  That's why you shouldn't complain that it takes you half an hour to figure out how to lock your bike to his racks.  Instead, consider that half hour a gift and an opportunity to bask in his genius.

In more Fredly news, I noticed with amusement that James Huang, the guy who reviews all the crabon for CyclingNews and BikeRadar, is suddenly annoyed that bike companies are making too many race bikes:


This is sort of like David Byrne suddenly becoming annoyed that too many people are cycling instead of driving.  Here's his reasoning:

But then again, I also cherish a sublimely smooth and refined ride, the float of higher-volume tires and the confidence of fat contact patches, gear ratios that are designed for real people, and brakes that are more than two blocks of rubber clamped on a surface whose primary function isn't friction. Race bikes are brilliant adaptations for the task at hand but they're also functionally compromised when used even slightly outside their comfort zone.

Wait, what?  So who the hell has been writing all those fawning race bike reviews all this time?  Also, has he been in a bike shop in the last three years?  I'd argue that there are almost too many conspicuously versatile road-ish bikes now, and that yesterday's hybrid has become today's gravel grinder/cyclocross/light tourer/"all road"/whatever other terms they use--not to mention the bewildering array of gearing available.  There are like 90 crank BCDs and 14 derailleur lengths now!  And disc brakes are spouting everywhere, like big squealing mushrooms.  In fact, I'd say this huge selection has gone past versatility and it's now just making us stupid and lazy.  If I was a real writer I'd pitch some bike magazine an article wherein I only ride one (1) bicycle for an entire year, no wheel swaps or tire changes or anything else.  If something wears out it has to be replaced with exactly the same thing.  Of course, I realize that plenty of normal people already do this, but I'm a semi-professional blogger with a fuckload of bikes, which means I'm exactly the sort of asshole who deliberates over what to ride today in the same way an investment banker stares at his motorized tie rack for 20 minutes while his manservant burnishes his corns before finally settling on some neckwear.

Have you rationalized building a new pair of wheels for that pair of tires you use like twice a year?  I have.

Also, if I really had any "pants yabbies," I'd ride only this bike for an entire year:

Leadville here I come!

In the meantime, Philadelphia here I come, and I hope to see you there.

I love you.

--Wildcat Rock Machine


100 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ass Monkeys… ATTACK!!!

Anonymous said...

Fuck Gerbils... ATTACK!!!

Anonymous said...

Shit Birds... Attack!!!

JR SQUIRL said...

SQUIRLS... ATTACK!!!

ringcycles said...

MTB podium! everyone's a winner!

streepo said...

For some reason, i feel like I'm being constantly attacked here in the comments section

Bod said...

Bikes are for dorks

Bod said...

I love you too!

DB said...

I have to get up earlier.
Have a good time in Philadelphia and I love you, too.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Top whatever.
Scranus.

ChamoisJuice said...

off the back.

DB said...

Hey, Snob!
I see in the Thursday Style section under Beauty Spots there is an article about the indoor-cycling boutique scene.
Some place in TriBeCa is offering spin classes in a pool.
Isn't that like riding in the rain?
What's going on in your town?

mikeweb said...

Don Nipples - I mean Rickles.

CapitalistPoet said...

"in the same way an investment banker stares at his motorized tie rack for 20 minutes"

I used to be an investment banker. I assure you that most bankers don't have that much fashion sense and they don't have that much free time.

They simply buy a couple dozen Ferragamo ties and pick out the one that is in front. Ferragamo is the obvious choice since they look expensive, and since they all look the same, with little crossed golf clubs or polo mallets, in a design that is calculated to offend absolutely nobody's sensibilities.

Part of the reason I am not an investment banker anymore is that I actually dared to wear ties that are unique and reflective of my personality.

Anonymous said...

Mid pack finish. Bell bottoms caught in chain.

DB said...

Yes, I read the Thursday Style section.
Don't you be giving me a hard time about it.

Marcel Da Chump said...

BAM contest submission:
Ques que ce.

RoadQueen said...

CapitalistPoet,

How the hell do you offend someone with a tie? Did it have nipples on it?

(pleasesayyespleasesayyes)

repngo bath

Anonymous said...

http://www.zazzle.com/kiss_me_im_irish_blow_me_im_italian_custom_ties-151741864172198514

McFly said...

I would like to take a moment to publically thank RCT for his criticaaly acclaimed bike review on his Motobecane Soft-tail that prompted me to begin my quest to build my very own "Hey I am almost 40 and gettin' to old for this shit" ride and after a smallish trail shakedown am just short of amazed. I will gladly trade some Raw Climbing Prowess to be able to laugh in the face of cantaloupe sized logs.

Now if I can just meet this Reba dame my buddies keep goin on about. They say she is plush but firm and can really take a pounding but she is also very forgiving. My kind of lady.

I hope she likes to get a little dirty.

RoadQueen said...

Annon @ 11:50,

I have much to learn in the ways of offensive clothing.

Thank you for today's lesson.

*humbled*

Paul Bowen said...

I'm not an investment banker and/because I only wear tartan ties. Tartan ties rule.

Comment deleted said...

I have one bike. It's a race bike. I commute 3000 miles a year on it, but I also take it for nice, long road rides. I don't need wider tires, and the gear ratios are just peachy.

And why is the podium covered with rapey animals?

DB said...

Small skulls and crossbones for my ties.

balls™ said...

Ties are a waste of time. I refuse to wear one unless I'm at a wedding or a funeral.

Micro lip, big or anywhere in between... just fine with me.

I do very much prefer labia to ties. Not that anyone asked.

RANTWICK said...

That I love You was unprovoked and upsetting to me. I don't know if I can handle that kind of thing right now, sorry.

Roille Figners said...

I have one bike: the Kludgemaster 8000. It's too small, so the saddle's slammed all the way back on the rails, and the stem has been extended vertically AND horizontally and has the goofiest goddamn tiller effect you ever did done seen. The steel frames I hand-cut and hand-brazed to fit my measurements and desired geometry sit rusting, awaiting such time as I give enough of a shit to clean them up, get them powder-coated, buy a shitload of parts and build them out. What's for dinner?

Roille Figners said...

Oh don't worry about paying for your food at the corporate luncheon. You can be the

offices gesckd

Bronx Zoo, Monkey Cage said...

Ass Monkeys return, a sure sign that the apocalypse is nigh.

le Correcteur said...

29 comments! Sheeeeit!

le Correcteur said...

James Huang got tired of writing the same puffs about crabon; so now he has to experience his own road to Damascus "practical bike" moment.

And all those names for flexible bikes: endless marketing niches to make people need just one more bike before their lives are full and rich.

Late capitalism: it's an amazing thing.

Comment deleted said...

Q: Why do lawyers and investment bankers wear ties?

A: To keep their foreskins from rolling up over their faces and smothering them.

mikeweb said...

That Wife Oil looks pretty Zippy.

Yarpo said...

Questo Podio e un incubo terribile de animali, particolarmente il Culo de Scimmia, Vincitore de la Tappa de Meh de oggi. Basta!!!

I'm putting up steel plates on my windows and nailing the door shut because the Pestilence of Ass, Fuck, and Shit Creatures is WAY OUT OF HAND!

When did it all go so wrong?

babble on said...

Good morning! Thank you. I love you, too!

I'll bet Reba doesn't have micro-lips....

Anonymous said...

Some race today in EYE-TIE-LEE.

Everbody said...

I'm only 59 and I ride a recumbent. A stationary recumbent on which I can read, blog, text, phone and drink vodka tonics. Bite my flat ass.

Anonymous said...

I used to fool around with a Cougar that had actual wings on each side. She called them her Flower Pedals. She would keep them laid back by hand until you were fully inserted then let them gently envelop your member. She always used one hand per lip which made doggystyle funny cause her face would be buried in the pillow.

I miss the late teen/early 20 years.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Thanks Mcfly, glad I could be of assistance. I love my dual it's a grin generator.

Miscellanea mmphur

Dave said...

Neckties are useful for:
1. Signaling your elevated status as a white-collar slave.
2. Hanging yourself on a nail in the garden shed as the SEC goons are closing in.
3. Occasionally thinning the herd, as when you get on your high-end Scattante to ride the ten blocks to your work in Manhattan, and you lean way down to improve your aerodynamics and catch the tie in the chainwheel.

Anonymous said...

BAM entry #2:
"Suck it" (no closed vowel shapes)

And I'm tired of recumbabe. Let's see if Don Rickles will send you a nude photo of him on his bent for your blog.

Ron said...

Huang is the biggest bike whore out there.

I'm one too, but he makes me look like I just graduated from Brigham Young with my purity belt still intact.

Anonymous said...

http://bikeporntour.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2012-11-01T13:06:00-07:00&max-results=10&start=30&by-date=false

SOFT TAIL

Yarpo said...

I will cheerfully park my bicicleta at BAM when they spell SCRANUS with David Byrne's Tinker Toy contraption.

Babble, in reference to your 4,673 Steps blog entry...why, oh why must you torture us with an ALMOST VISIBLE BABBLE-NIPPLE PHOTO???? Later on, I will check it again to insure that I am tortured some more.

Frilly, sooner or later Cipo will appear on Processo Alla Tappa, which comes on after every Giro stage, and when he does I'll alert you and post a replay link if available. He often favors the unshaven-with-dress-shirt-no-tie-with-blue-jeans-and-petrochemical-hair-products-look.

Snob, bring us all back some real Philly Cream Cheese, we're getting hungry.

Ledum siowalb...izzat a new brand of tubular race tires?

Jed said...

DonRickles on a recumbent? If that isn't one crusty foot in the grave, I don't know what is.

COFF FFIN
LEAN BACK
BDAY FAIL

McFly said...

Hey RCT you ever been to Scales Lake in Booneville, IN? I am going Tue.

Anonymous said...

Seems that Huang has a bad case of the Freds, stage 3.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

McFly No not been. Lots of trail here in the buckeye I've not ridden yet.

I looked it up. looks like a fun little ride: Scales Lake

Have a good ride.

Anonymous said...

Wow, investment wankers, I mean bankers get fired for wearing the wrong ties? Those guys are hard core.

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

FIFTY ONE IS THE NEW #1. Suck it ass monkeys as my scranus crabs "yabbie" your hooker-red monkey asses.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

thank you LOB, for once again testing me...

thank you for the glass and trash left in the bike lane from that car accident two days ago

thank you for distracting me just long enough for me to ride into that glass and flat

thank you for convincing me that "why would i ever need a Schrader compatible pump even though I sometimes ride an antique raleigh fop chariot so I can "fop out with my cock out"?"

thank you for the rain that started the moment i had the wheel off

thank you for standing me by the side of the road asking other cyclists if they had a pump only to be told 15 times they didn't and having me internally fume "what the fuck is wrong with these people that they don;t carry a pump" only to realize that carrying a pump inconsistent with the tires one has is just as ass-tarded - no, MORE

thanks for the 16th guy who had a pump that actually works with both types of valves (what a fucking concept!)

thanks for the street-side "school of hard knocks" in Sturmey Archer shifting required to get the fucking thing moving again

thanks for all the dirt and grime and wetness that fell

thanks for having it stop the moment i got to work

thanks for the wonderful morning commute, oh lob

thanks for my "internet friends" who will perhaps understand

Comment deleted said...

DaddoOne, it's hard not to feel pissed on by the universe sometimes; flats are especially good at engendering this sort of rage.

Your day can only get better.

mikeweb said...

ECD,

For your loss of air in your tire, almighty Lob will reward you with a full week of air at your back.

Anonymous said...

DaddoOne, if it's any consolation to you, I made it into work today just in the nick of time, as the sky opened up.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

thanks CD - its not the flat in and of itself, but my total failure to be properly prepared for a fop-chariot flat that pisses me off

balls™ said...

DaddoOne,

CO2. Get a gizmo that works with un-threaded cartridges and buy your spares where they sell air guns. You'll get 25 for what the bike shop sells 3.

Faster changes, no pump.
Sorry, bike shop.

Anonymous said...

I'm an investment banker and I rarely have to wear a tie, business casual which has been the case for about the past 15 years. You need to update your references wildcat. When I do wear an tie it's Hermes, Ferragamo is a little passe.

Also, "highend scattante" is an oxymoron.

My work is done here. Adieu peasants.

Comment deleted said...

Sometimes, on a given commute, I get the unshakeable feeling that an invisible, toxic cloud of some sort of mildly debilitating nerve gas was just sprayed over all the other drivers and cyclists out there, just before I came outside.

The entire ride seems fraught with danger and close calls, and is usually punctuated with the mooning derp face of a salmon just missing me on a blind corner.

Or is that just me?

Jay Casey said...

Enjoy them Philly trolley tracks. And them track marked junkies!

Dooth said...

In keeping with the David Byrne bike rack design oeuvre...
Macro Head.

babble on said...

Oh help. Why do I always die on the big hills? I'll trade you, McFly, though I only laugh in the face of those logs right before I wipe out.

Sucks about your flat Daddy-O. That's sod's law for you- the contrary nature of life. It's always the palm to forehead did a bonehead moments that hurt the most. If you listen carefully at moments like that you might just hear laughter on the wind.

I did toy with putting nipple shots in that post, but as I am currently unemployed and the internet is a small town, I decided on prudence. Yes, I realise that this is a mis-representation of my true nature, but all's fair in love, war and business, right?

And speaking of nipples, anyone seen David Bowie's latest offerings?

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

I figured for sure if I just keep the revs between 60-90 per minute, climbing lots and lots of hills, that I would eventually figure out how to go fast even when I've lost that boost you get from momentum, but somehow the big hills always see me down in the granny gears, going slow. What am I doing wrong?

Speed. I need to go faster.

Anonymous said...

A Fred Koan:

If a bike has the same geometry, tires, gears and blahblahblah that you might on a racing bike, but it has never been raced. Does that make it a racing bike?

Burn that one into your retinas said...

Mr Rickles is likely referring to a stationary recumbent bike, so just like recumbabe, but no kickstand required.

Nina said...

BAM Contest Entry:
PORtLand wHiTe



676 teamonu

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

balls™,

i know co2 i use co2 - I did say antique raleigh with schrader valves, right? those babies pump up to 55 psi - not using co2 for those - no not ever...

babble,
I hear that laughing all the time even when i'm not doing stupid shit like did this morning. also, that feeling when you almost tip over in a chair?
ALL. THE. TIME.

babble on said...

Oh dear. That's probably not a good sign.

Anonymous said...

babble, try imagining your dream lover at the top of the hill.

Frilly Chick said...

Thanks, Yarpo! Yes, I like that look on him. Glad its late in the work day & I can sit here lusting. *sigh*

And Snobbie, right back at ya! Mwah!

ChamoisJuice said...

Allow me to share my favorite bike comic:

#1 panel: Fat, greasy dooder looking at a calendar marked "Bike ride with Miss Daisy"

#2: Fat dood and Miss Daisy riding bikes together.

#3: Miss Daisy pulling away from fat dood on a climb. Daisy has a glowing sheen, fat dood is sweating buckets.

#4: Miss Daisy is at top of climb admiring view

#5: Fat dood is sniffing Daisy's saddle.

Anonymous said...

I definitly saw a nip-shot in Babble's blog. almost 100% certain, or was it a phantom nipple...

McFly said...

Doing the MTB this winter has monumentally improved my road hill game. Seriously.

Roille Figners said...

Comment deleted - Welcome to every goddamn day in Portland!

DB said...

Where's Crosspalms today?

paulb said...

Just looking at that wutizit bike with the bar ends pointing fo'ward made me laugh.

DB said...

Frilly:
What's up with the fast food workers strike in St. Louis?

McFly said...

Well.....MTB and a corticosteroid nasal spray. For my sinuses of course.

NOSE FUEL

McFly said...

So Babble you are telling us that your gams are strictly eye candy and have no useful funcktion in the real world? Not even one? Not. Even. One.

SHOU LDER

ACES SORY

babble on said...

No they go. I just want them to go super fast even on a big hill. More speed please.

BAM entry: AYHLMPC

babble on said...

Is Fatty right? Is dropping pounds the best way to become faster once you're pretty fit, or is there a technique I'm missing? I do drop down one gear at a time and I try to keep the tempo up. I'm pretty strong so I should be able to keep up the pace, but there is something about a long steep slog that just...

I'm a sprinter by nature, but still, there has to be a way.

McFly said...

Riding with stronger people will make you push through into areas you did not think you could go. Problem is they will want to stay behind you.

Frilly Chick said...

DB, It's all about da money.

Anonymous said...

I got a flat this evening, A while back I put a fat tip magic marker in the saddle bag...you mark the position of the cut before you take the tire off. It makes finding the cut on the tube a lot easier as long as you pull the tub and tire off at the same time. Worked like a charm. Nice ride, even with the flat. Cheers, folks.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

Dear Anon 2:37--

My dog asked me to tell you he doesn't always wear a tie, but when he does, he spills Dos Equis on it.

If you lend him your Hermes, he'll show you.

I'm not sure what he means, but I have to admit, he sounds interesting.

I think I'll just stay thirsty.

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

...and there are so many more where that came from. Thank you internet.

babble on said...

That link seems to be broken, CE.

ce said...

Thanks babble on, I usually double/triple/quadruple check that a link works after posting it, mostly for the purpose of reveling in my own cleverness. I can't find the original again, but here is: The 2nd Most Interesting Dog in the World

ce said...

Or should I say, "I don't always fuck up a link, but when I do I prefer not to have triple checked it"

Shakespeare said...

McFly did you ghost write Anon 1253?

Dreaming of waking up in Babylon said...

BABBLE I've been riding since the Dead Sea parted and I still climb like s**t.

BABBLE Your "steps" post, the full length body shot photo with the people in the background, it would have been fun if you had photoshopped Cipo into the background with his tongue hanging out (I'm sure such a photo must exist someplace).

Non-McFly said...

Like I would have lurid tales of sexual debochary. I'm on the wagon Shake.

Her name was Cyndi and she would beat on my back door at 5 a.m. then come in like a whirlwind, borrow some money, grind me to a pulp and leave me broke, sticky and confused.

It was awesome.

crosspalms said...

DB,
Ran out of things to do at work and took a few days off to do useful things around the house (paint front porch, seal back porch) and go for a longish ride -- on which I saw a house with a fence made of bike frames. Going back today with a camera.

embrace toolth

Oh, and ECD: I have a frame pump that fits both Schrader and Presta and stopped to help a guy out one day and couldn't get the damn thing to work on his Schrader. Flipped the little rubber insert, moved the ring back and forth, looked like an idiot. Another cyclist came along and offered a pump while I kept fiddling. Proud day in cycledom.

Anonymous said...

It is rather incongruous to dress like the inhabitant of a 19th century shtetl while driving a shiny new minivan. But who am I to complain?

Erin Zimmer said...

Dear Mr Rock Machine,
I have just arrived home from a trip to New York and I need to ask why you were avoiding me so assiduously. I arrived in NY and you went to Washington. You returned to NY while I was on my way to washington. Upon my return to NY, you left for Cleveland, only to return to NY while I was on my way to Philadelphia. Once I got back to NY, you left for Philadelphia.* What have I done to offend you?

*Details of trips may be inaccurate due to jet lag and consumption of gin

Verla said...

This is cool!

Dave said...

Please credit the baboon arse photo that came from my blog:

http://freelanceflaneur.blogspot.com/2011/07/childish-day-out-again-again-again.html