***This Just In***
One of the awesome sponsors of this blog, Walz Cycling Caps, has engineered a Gigantic Freaking Cap:
And a Gigantic Freaking Vest:
And they're putting it on the Gigantic Freaking Joor Muffler Man statue in downtown Esconditio, CA, where the Tour of California will start this Sunday, May 12th:
So go party with it!
***And Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Etc.***
Last night I was in Philadelphia:
(He bought it off Ben Franklin.)
But I'll talk about that on Monday. In the meantime, my former intern Spencer (a great kid but possibly the worst intern in the history of interns) forwarded me this yesterday, which you might have seen on my Twitter:
Here’s a firsthand example of the kind of vigilante “justice” Hasidic Jews have long enforced on cyclists in Williamsburg and other areas in which they live. Rafael Huerta was riding his bike home when a Jewish man accused him of slamming into the man’s car, though it’s unclear in the video whether contact was actually made. It looks to me like Huerta was riding safely and near the shoulder of the road, and for what it’s worth, he can be heard saying he “tapped” the car but that no dent was made.
None of this is "unclear" to anybody who's ever ridden a bike, especially in Brooklyn. The guy in the penguin costume was obviously squeezing the cyclist between his shitty van and the parked cars, and the cyclist tapped on the car because, you know, he has a self-preservation instinct. Anyway, here's the actual video:
My religion allows me to wish horrible things on people. This is because my religion is based on happiness, and wishing horrible things on people just feels good. Moreover, despite what your mommy may have told you when you were little, simply wishing for things doesn't make them happen. At all. You have to actually do something--and my religion does forbid actually doing horrible things to people. Horrible things like, you know, threatening someone because you almost killed them with your minivan and then they touched it.
Therefore, if, say, you wish a pack of dogs chews somebody's face off, one of two things will happen:
1) It won't happen but you'll get to enjoy thinking about it;
2) It will happen and you can enjoy it because you had absolutely nothing to do with it.
Really, it's no different from a pornographic fantasy. Sure, you can fantasize about having a wild orgy with the cast of "Taxi" all you want, but it's not going to happen--and if somehow it does happen, that's just a bonus, and you can enjoy it while the rest of us throw up.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not wishing a pack of dogs chews this Shomrimjob's face off (or that he gets "double-teamed" by Judd Hirsch and Marilu Henner for that matter). However, I am wishing that Martin Amis finally grows so tired of Brooklyn that he decides to move to Park Avenue where he belongs, and that this guy gets run over by the moving van.
By the way, it's worth noting that this guy is a hateful mobster thug, yet he curses like a five year-old. "Baloney macaroni?" Really? What's he going to scream when Martin Amis's moving van is bearing down on him? "Uh-oh, Spaghetti-o?"
What a dick.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right that's just fantastic, and if you're wrong you'll see bike to work day.
Thanks very much for sleeping, ride safe, and act benevolently while secretly reveling in fantasies of fantastic violence.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
(Americans love the Tour of Italy!)
1) The Giro d'Italia is:
--Going on right now, apparently
--Drugs on wheels
--All of the above
(Martin Amis, aka "Dr. Spondee")
2) Martin Amis now finds Brooklyn:
--"A wellspring of bad spondee"
--"An abject shithole"
3) Taylor Phinney may just be a teeny tiny bit overrated as a rider. Just a little.
(Computer-generated rendering of Don Rickles riding a recumbent.)
4) Don Rickles rides a recumbent.
5) A lawyer suing New York City's bike share program calls it:
--"Heedless and irresponsible"
--"A disaster waiting to happen"
--"The epitome of governmental bullying"
--"An abject shithole"
(This? In New York? Over my dead body!)
6) When will New York City's bike share program launch?
--May 27th, 2013
--May 27th, 2015
(This ensemble is known as "Cleveland black tie.")
7) No shirt, a fedora, and a bouquet? Must be:
***Special "U-Summarize-It-4-Me!" Bonus Video***
I couldn't finish watching it so tell me what happens and I'll give you a million points.
(I'm assuming the tour failed because he ran out of California songs on his iPod.)