Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Meh, The Humanity!

You'd think that by this point the world of professional cycling would have squandered all its outrage on doping scandals, but you'd be wrong, since everyone seems to be very upset about Peter Sagan playing grab-ass on the Flanders podium on Sunday:


(Sagan checks the produce as Cancellara tries not to get a boner.)

The outrage is understandable though, because of course behavior that is sexist or disrespectful towards women has absolutely no place in something as dignified as a podium ceremony:


(Podium girl on the right receives a champagne facial as podium girl on the left prepares to deliver an ass baby.)

I'm guessing either one of those poor women would have traded places with Sagan's victim in the time it takes to pop a champagne cork.

Nevertheless, Peter Sagan has released a video apology that makes him seem about ten times creepier than that little "goosing" episode did:


(Pantsless, possibly wanking.)

Firstly, did Sagan say he sincerely apologizes for what he did on the podium, or for what he did on the bottom?  I guess it really doesn't matter since either one fits.  Secondly, is there really nobody close to Sagan who was able to coach him on how to apologize to a woman for molesting her?  Apparently not--though that's not surprising, since we are talking about Europeans here.  Anyway, next time (and there will be a next time, since Sagan has "serial sex offender" written all over him) he should follow these rules:

1) Put a shirt on.  A real shirt, with a collar.  Not a white t-shirt with a stretched neckhole that you put on five seconds before filming.

2) For chrissakes, put on some pants!  (I see no evidence that he's wearing pants, so until I do I'm going to assume otherwise.)

3) Find a nice setting, like a rose garden or one of those pretty European town squares or something.  Don't sit in a corner of your motel room like you're watching adult videos and taking way too much time to apply your chamois cream.

4) Form your mouth around the words you're saying.  Don't mumble like your mommy is making you do this.  Otherwise you come off as shifty and untrustworthy.  I mean seriously, if he can't pull this one off, how is he going to get through the inevitable positive doping test?

But perhaps the harshest criticism came from Mario Cipollini:


(Cipollini didn't bother putting on pants either.)

As far as Cipollini is concerned, it's not harassment unless the podium girl is impregnated and tests positive for at least two (2) STDs.

Meanwhile, here in New York City, the Five Boro Bike Tour is getting "shaken down" by the NYPD:


Court filings from organizers Bike New York show that for the first time in the popular ride's 35-year-history, NYPD has deemed the tour a "non-charitable event," thus entitling the department to foist their $967,534 services upon the ride...

Each year, the Five Boro Bike Tour attracts something like 32,000 riders, almost all of whom slip on ill-fitting half-shorts and ride bicycles equipped with pie plates and bar ends pointed straight up into the sky.  Therefore, if the organizers were to foist the NYPD service fee onto the riders, that works out to about $30 per rider, which would really eat into their budget for irritating noisemakers and helment-mounted pinwheels.  However, I suspect they won't have to pay it, because according to the New York Times the basis for the charge is that the city now classifies the ride as a "noncharitable athletic parade:"

The city says that under its new rule, the tour classifies as a “noncharitable athletic parade,” in the same category as the marathon, the New York City Triathlon and many smaller events.

Foolishly the city has sown the seeds of its own demise in that ruling, because classifying the Five Boro Bike Tour as "athletic" is extremely charitable:



There's been some debate on this blog as to what constitutes an athlete, but I think most of us can agree that humiliating yourself while riding a bicycle during a non-competitive group ride is not a sport.

Still, I acknowledge that the NYPD does need to be paid so they can continue to provide cyclists with excellent service like this:


Cyclist struck by NY Yellow Cab (Williamsburg)

Just past midnight on Saturday (technically Sunday morning 12:15 AM) I was struck while riding my bicycle by NYC taxicab deliberately from behind. Several pedestrians came to my assistance after witnessing the accident, though all left before police arrived. A second cabbie claimed I had attacked the driver that rammed his car into my bike. I was arrested and am being charged with Criminal Mischief and face jail time & fines. If you were there, or witnessed what happened please call ASAP. 

Any help you can provide would be appreciated, especially if you were the passengers in the cab that hit me!

Arrested after getting hit by a taxicab while riding a bicycle?  Just imagine what the cops would do if he drove a car into a bus stop and hit ten people, leaving a small child brain dead.  Yeah, that's right, they'd let him go:


Witnesses told the Daily News that the unnamed driver, who was hospitalized along with a passenger, was speeding before the crash. That she jumped a curb and hit multiple people with a vehicle is not in dispute. Nevertheless, NYPD apparently concluded its work with characteristic haste. As early as 10:27 p.m. Saturday, less than four hours after the incident, the Post reported: “Police do not believe the crash was a crime.” A Post follow-up published this morning reads: “Cops said the driver passed a breath-alcohol test and would not be charged.”

By the way, if you ever need a valid excuse for running a red light, mowing down ten people, and destroying their lives, here you go:

Police told DNAinfo that the driver, 48, “accidentally” hit the accelerator instead of the brake as she approached a red light at Utica and Church: “As she swerved to avoid colliding with the traffic around her, the vehicle jumped onto the sidewalk, hitting up to nine pedestrians, police said.”

If I'm ever stopped by the police on my bicycle I'm going to explain that I accidentally hit the pedals instead of the brake.

In any case, if you need something sickly sweet to wash the taste of injustice out of your mouth, here you go:



Judging from this video, the only way an American city can be truly bike-friendly is if the population is both homogenous and heavily medicated.

119 comments:

fhfr436 said...

First!

balls™ said...

podioscranusnipple?

fhfr436 said...

Silver!

fhfr436 said...

damn, make that bronze.

DB said...

Nice Tits!
Man, Snob, you are getting up early.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I rode my bike to work again today.

Roille Figners said...

Carl Sagan, you have sunk to a new low!

theEel said...

weed!!!

Anonymous said...

HomoGenius!

balls™ said...

From my 2ND spot on the podium, I totally grabbed that podium guy's ass. What was unexpected is that he tossed his champagne when I did.

Roille Figners said...

Posted this late in the day yesterday, wanted to share/force it on you:

If you could make a graph of my level of interest/excitement at the Sagan story, it would look like a bunch of stairsteps. A professional cyclist (flatline at zero) named Sagan (up half a notch purely by association with Carl Sagan) grabbed the ass (up a notch) of a podium girl (up two notches) and now a bunch of people have opinions about it (back to zero).

Anonymous said...

I lol'd at "ass baby"

babble on said...

ah damn. I forgot my pants again.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I'm so glad my little po-dunk is too small for cabbies. I can handle the very occassional city dump truck driver who "didn't see me there".

BUTT GRAB
PANT LESS
NECK HOLE

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Nice, Under babble who doesn't have her pants on.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Meh

McFly said...

Geez it's not like he tossed her salad. Never underestimate the power of ass. It's not just for breakfast.

McFly said...

The correct way is to pinch Left Cheek, then Right Cheek, Then Left cheek once more. It's European traditional.

Jimboner said...

yep

CJ said...

Isn't podium ass the flanders runner up prize?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Nashbar is having a sale on Cameltoe hydration systems.

Oh, wait, Camelback? Well, never mind, then...

Anonymous said...

slow start, early post, top 25?

DC United said...

Babble, what is your assessment of the "Sagan squeeze?"

Blog Drafter said...

L'affair derriƩre

Yarpo said...

Of course, there's this photo too, as put forward by The Guardian, which was chock full of righteous indignation over the Sagan Butt-Squeeze Incident.

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/388458_10151518741864885_351151502_n.jpg

Good Times...according to Peter...

ChamoisJuice said...

It's funny how "bike friendly" city usually comes after "friendly" city. Or pretend city as NYC>everywhere else inhabitants like to say.

DB said...

The podium got a bit narstee with some Argee Bargee as Peter Sagan was a cat amongst the pigeons this last weekend.
In a workmanlike group, Cancellara's Left-Tenant lighted the blue touch-paper and like a Trojan, man handled the wrong podium girl.
The elastic was snapped, a pedal turned in anger and boom-boom, out went the lights as Sagan was slapped across the face by an irate woman.

ChamoisJuice said...

And in mountain bkke news, mitch ropeleto won a DH race on a 29'er trail bike.... rocking a water bottle.
Your wheels are the wrong size!

ce said...

Yarpo, I didn't notice the t-shirt in your picture at first, my attention was drawn to the amazing cobbles. Brutalist cobbles are the most brutal.

Anonymous said...

Your pie plate is giving my bar end a boner!

Anonymous said...

Why do you get a boner when you look at yourself naked in the mirror?















Your dick thinks you're a pussy, too!

DerZoots said...

It's amazing how much I dislike Portland.
Never been.
But every video of Portland made in Portland about bicycle cycling in Portland makes me want to smash bicycle cycling Portland.

Wound up Eastcoaster or
Rational human.

I turn to the Zoots for guidance at moments like these. Hope the boss won't mind me rolling a fatty on the clock.
tioniun1700

ChamoisJuice said...

What do you call a cut rate mohel?















A RIP OFF!!! HEEEYYYYOOOOOOO!

mikeweb said...

"There are billions and billions of asses in the universe!"

-Peter Sagan

leroy said...

I rode Sunday for the first time in a month. Three laps around Prospect Park.

A distance that I ordinarily wouldn't bother putting on shorts for. A chilly, windy day, with rain threatening. I had a slight cold and a fair dose of stress.

I have never been happier to ride the same old loop at a snail's pace.

It felt like heading back to normal. It felt therapeutic.

For all the crap we endure riding in and around NYC, I'll keep riding.

The best ride I'll ever have will always be the next one.

Enjoy the ride.

(And my dog says "hi.")

Marcel Da Chump said...

Salacious Sagan.

Anonymous said...

Truly horrific shit happens in the world. Some of this bad shit is worth getting excited over. Peter Sagan touching a girl's bum does not fall into either category. Give me your proposal to end world hunger and create world peace. Then, if those work out, I'll entertain someone's righteous indignation about a crude but harmless joke. But if it makes anyone feel any better, I propose a simple solution--let there be podium boys at all the women's races, and let the runners-up fondle the boys' butts to their hearts content. I'm sure the boys will be humiliated beyond description!

le Correcteur said...

top 40; where's the venom, snob, the venom!

blostgyn 185

crosspalms said...

Glad to hear you're back on the bike, Leroy.

babble on said...

My assessment? Mmmmm, ass...

Ass and ye shall receive.

McFly said...

I thought "FOIST" was when you went to initialize FOreplay and find that its aleady moIST.

mikeweb said...

leroy,

That sounded like a pleasant and much needed ride. And the next one too.

Tell your dog I said 'woof'.

Comment deleted said...

Hey, how about getting rid of the whole stupid, sexist podium-girl thing in the first place, instead of acquiring sudden outrage when a cock-brain goes one grope over the line?

The whole champagne ejaculation thing is dumber than a funk-tracked, big-moustached 70s porno flick.

babble on said...

Tell you what else I like about ass. Everything.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

On a roll: all ye need to know about bog roll.

mikeweb said...

McFly,

If that's the case, then the fact of how many lifelong New Yorkers pronounce the word 'first' has me thinking that I'm glad I moved here years ago.

Yarpo said...

Leroy,
Happy to know you're pedaling the bici again! Have a great next ride but don't tell the dog what you're doing.

Ce, I didn't notice the cobbles until you pointed them out! I could ride endless laps through that gas station and call it the Ronde Van Annoying Fuck. I need a sponsor...

Winnie-the-Pooh said...

Actually, I find an old t-shirt and no pants works for just about any situation.

Anonymous said...

mikeweb 12:04

POTD

P. Bateman said...

is it that easy to make a little film/vignette sort of a thing these days?

i am just stunned by how many of these videos seem to get made in portland on a daily basis.

cue spring day and lame hippie catawalling music - pan cyclist from a distance of 100 yards - cut to close up of drivetrain - pull out to shot of revelers merry making at a racist coffee shop that doesn't serve black people - now slow motion shot of 5 penis face hipters riding along in a park.....

hey portland. go fuck yourself.

babble on said...

Welcome back, Leroy. We missed you. xo

Buffalo Bill said...

Lot's of love for Portland here today. I can't get that worked up about it, but then again, I didn't watch the video.

7618 ectactsi

McFly said...

I really like the way the dark-haired podium girl instinctively lifted her hair out of the way. Old habits die hard. heehee I said hard.

ce said...

Yarpo, I just FUCKING LOVE COBBLES!

ce said...

"For me, it is far better to grasp the Ass as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring."

Peter Sagan

Anonymous said...

Let's see... a 23 year old guy that just spent a few hundred kilometers crammed together with a bunch of gaunt, sweaty guys mounts (yes - I used that word on purpose) the podium after probably some celebratory adult beverages and is immediately within reach of a hot, scantily clad podium girl's bum.

I'm not defending it - I'm just sayin'

grog said...

Is that your face?
Or did your neckhole just throw up?
NECK HOLE
MORE BABE
APRI LFUL

JB said...

I love the podio women and all, that is, ogling them. But, throw a couple of hot bettys into close quarters with men pumped with testosterone and, well, Cipo happens.

ge said...

A. If I was an NYC tax payer, I'd be rejoicing over not having to pay policing costs for some "athletic" event.
B. If I was a 5 Borough participant, I'd take every opportunity to let the NYPD know that I PAY YOUR SALARY, ASSHAT!
C. If I was "A", I'd also get to watch "B" getting tasered.

Passekl 666

Anonymous said...

That's weird, everybody I saw in that Portland video was white.

Douchey McDouche said...

First!

ce said...

"For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through ass groping."

Peter Sagan

bikesgonewild said...

...transcontinental bro hug, leroy...


...& ya...sometimes it's not the number of miles you pedal but the the simple fact that you ARE pedaling...

crosspalms said...

Sagan's not a classy guy, but at least he didn't drive up on the sidewalk and bulldoze nine people. I'm with Comment Deleted, though, the whole podium girl thing is time-warp sexist bunk.

big-moustached 70s porno star said...

Who you callin dumb?

Peter "Moisture-Cop" Sagan said...

I was considering a rear-entry moistness check. I usually start with a butt pinch, though. If she's already.....ahem.....sitting on go...the slipperiness on your fingers will prevent you from a nice pinch. It's ass-play etiquette in Slovakia.

ce said...

"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be groped."

Peter Sagan

bikesgonewild said...

...crosspalms...there's a nice photo accessable through cyclingnews that shows the classy peter sagan gassing up his car whilst wearing a t-shirt that reads:-
"...my cock
+
your pussy
=
good times..."
...

...personally, i've got nothing against the sentiment & in fact i'm all for it but wearing it in public where families w/ kids see it, ehhh, not so much...

Anonymous said...

My desire to live in a city is inversely proportional to the number of bicycles with full fenders. That eliminates Portland.

Although I kind of dig the dobro.

Leroy's Back and Your Gunna Have Trouble said...

Leroy's back and riding too. A good sign. But his dog is strangely silent, not a good sign.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

It's probably a good thing it was Carl Sagan on the podio and not Leroy's Dog.

Sean Kelly said...

God, roadies are pussies.

GROW ASET

Podium or Fox TV? said...

A close inspection of champagne facial babe reveals she bears a striking resemblance to the Fox Wussification Anchor Babe. Except that in the wussification photo the facial expression shows the would be facial missed the face and went down the hatch.

Anonymous said...

I live in Portland and I am embarrassed by that 'video'.

We already know white people like bikes: http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/02/10/61-bicycles/

This is a better (if just as ridiculous)video of bikes in Portland:
http://derailleurfilms.com/2011/12/08/cross-crusade-2011-race-in-convenient-video-form-trailer/

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

"If you wish to grab an ass, you must first invent the universe."

Peter Sagan

JB said...

While we're still objectifying, I'm in love with the 2nd place podium lady in the podium ejac photo. Those hips.

Roille Figners said...

Correcteur: in ject the vehhh - nom... BEHH NEH-NEH-NEH-NOR-NEEARNNNN

Or did you mean this Venom?

Dooth said...

In a stunning turn of events, Peter Sagan has retracted his apology and confessed that he was actually reaching out to shake the hand of the oft-neglected and, thus, rarely seen podium midget.

Roille Figners said...

We are like butterflies who grab ass for a day and think it's forever.

Anonymous said...

HOMO GENIUS
HEAVY
MEDICATED

bikesgonewild said...

...i'll bet frilly, having had dreams of sagan pinching her bump on some mystical, ethereal podium during the night, got into work today, walked over to 'creepy, ogling office guy across the hall' & just poped him one & said - "...don't you even think about it, buster..."...

...guy prob'ly didn't even complain 'cuz he knew he deserved it...for one thought or another...

Anonymous said...

Cleveland! We go to 11!

Brewer And Shipley said...

One grope over the line, sweet Jesus
One grope over the line
Standin' downtown in a Flanders podium
One grope over the line

Anonymous said...

Great video postcard from Portland. That city really is hotbed of diversity. They have both male and female white people. Looks like an exciting place to live.

The Groper said...

I'm a joker, I'm a smoker
I'm a midnight groper
I sure don't want to hurt no one




Frilly Chick said...

bgw, you know it! Peter Sagan will never be called on a

BUMP FOUL

by me!

McFly said...

You can't spell "Podium Celebration" without but. Or cum. Or beat me. Or Do Me In Ear.

McFly said...

OR PETER!!!

Vegas said...

Amazing analysis of the apology vid, Snob. Too bad he was forced to do it, squeazed it in between bikcicle riding and carbo loading, doesn't speak english so was reading it phonetically off a cue card written by his team manager, and lastly isn't actually sorry.

PODIO PINCH
TROPH YGIRL
CTHRU PANTS
HETER OSEXL
OBJEC TFIED

FRILY DREAM

bikesgonewild said...

...frilly...go to cyclingnews.com , read jane aubrey's opinion piece on the situation & then click on the "t-shirt" link halfway down the article...

...hmmm, lemme know if you find that attractive...


bikesgonewild said...

...i make no bones about being kinda sleazy n' salacious but even i gotta suggest it's all about presentation & at this point, sagan is a fucking clown in my book...

Homer said...

Anon 253:

Man fall off bike, man get up - Funny

Uncountable number of Port-a-Johns - Funny

Riders portage bikes up stairs - Funny

Woman with world's strongest legs (sorry Babble) cheer riders - Funny

Sasquatch watch riders from woods - Funny

Little girl stares at Carl Sagan on podium - Scared for Life

Sagan grab handful of hiney - hiney hiney hiney (German for LOL)

ken e. said...

is bump foul a volley ball thing?

Grump said...

Snobby, you should know that drivers are taught to always aim for the pedestrians instead of another car. People are softer than cars, and will cause less damage. If there aren't any pedestrians around, drivers are taught to use a bike rider to cushion the impact. Avoid people on steel frames, that will cause more damage than someone on a crabon-bon frame.
.
.

J-Bird said...

Never thought I'd say this, but I think Portland's whiter than Copenhagen.

Jed said...

That's funny! I just got back from portland (I live in dc), and yes it does bear noting the racial homogeneity. HOWEVER.. If you hate portland then deductive logic would have you hating the following:
Smiling. Especially sweet women smiling while riding bikes. Lots of them. All smiling.
Beer. I walked into Velocult at 11:30am and was asked if I would care for a beer. (6 craft taps including decheutes) The keen shoe store has a free tap. Help yourself.
Coffee. Coffee is religion in portland. As well it should be.
Nature. Everything grows here. Moss is growing on the body trim of almost every vehicle left standing for more than 10 minutes.
Friendly people. Its not a stereotype. Its just true.

It rained almost every day I was there, and it was still a fantastic visit.

Bogusboy said...

Crimony, enough with the kvetching! If New York is so awful, there are only about a million other places you could live.

Just how much crime, filth, injustice and indignity are you willing to tolerate for the privilege of being able to get a really great slice and visit the MOMA whenever you want?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Bogusboy,

What kinda wooise goes to MOMA?!?

100!!!

--Wildcat Rock Machine

ken e. said...

that's hilarious!

Anonymous said...

IKEA's better than MOMA. Food's a lot better.

Frilly Chick said...

bgw--I like bad boys. Sagan is picking up where Tommeke left off. And for some reason I find it appealing that he might not really be sorry.

Admittedly, the shirt might be a little over the top. However, also admittedly, the first thing I thought was, "All right, let's go."

Angie Kritenbrink said...

I bet if you go to Portland, they say something like "So, you make fun of Portland a lot, right? But we like you anyway."

Ooh, I am so excited I get to read your book today and find out if it is sexist.

ken e. said...

"bad boys, bad boys, who you gonna call?"

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...

The hipocricy around here is making me sick..

Those Podium girls are not being insulted at all.. They know 100% what they are up there for.. to be sexy and plant a somewhat sexual kiss on the winner.. They agree to wearing scanty cloths and being displayed as sexual objects.. Nobody is forcing them to be up there against their will.

No harm, no foul I say.. The girls now famous butt cheek is all over the web and she is sure to get more recognition for it then before.. which means she might land a modeling job for a fashion house or maybe Playboy.. Do you think she has any delusions that her position and job should be treated with respect? Hell no..

If anything, like my stance on doping, I say more dope, not less, and more groping and less poduim clothing!


bikesgonewild said...

...he's all yours, frilly...

...but inviting someone to put his hands on your ass is vastly different from someone just publicly touching your ass like sagan did on the podium, ya ???

...seems like defining that would be first & foremost on the list but hey, i'm wrong about human nature all the time......


Anonymous said...

The podium thing,.....some folk need a sense of humour.

As for riding a bike in NY,..you'd almost thenk folk were being discouraged from cycling in a metropolitan area...and letting off drivers that kill/maim people..y'all have problems

JB said...

bgw, a little help finding the Jane Aubrey piece?

Frilly Chick said...

bgw--Not to brag, but to make a point, some years back whilst at a club w/friends, an ex-NFL'er copped a feel of the BUMP while I was perched upon a barstool.

Not gonna lie, I was a little surprised, but definitely not mad or upset or feeling marginalized or any of that b.s. People need to lighten up. F'real!

Anonymous said...

Hey Frilly who was it? A Full-Back?
Maybe he wanted your seat? Was he looking for a read on a tight-end?


I can do this all day.

Frilly Chick said...

Anon 10:36, ironically enough he was an offensive lineman. Ha!

babble on said...

Why don't we just have a free-for-all? Mr Sagan can grope asses and I can grope balls....

babble on said...

Frilly - that's funny! And who can blame him? It is a world class bump after all...

Anonymous said...

That's my daughter! That skeezeball Sagan grab-assing my baby! And I'm supposed to laugh?

Anonymous said...

Number one, why is it that drinking and THEN killing someone is a crime, but killing someone sober is A-OK?

Number two, if that un-named driver isn't a cop or the spouse of a cop, I'll eat a 29 inch wheel set......

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...

Thanks Frilly and Babble[.[.[.

You are restoring my faith in all woman that they can and are the more reasonable and grounded sex...

Yeah, Segan is a douche, but this life would be pretty blah if we didn't have some harmless douchery to spice things up..

Anonymous said...

So I thought Porlandia was a sketch comedy show, not a documentary. Tactical urbanists named Veloprovo. Jesus h fucking Christ, knowing that exists made me join the Republican party. And they thought they were worth an undercover police officer's time. Cause planting a potato in the median of a street is so dangerous. Wow.

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