Monday, April 8, 2013

If A Tree Falls In The Forest, Who Pays The Bill?



(Farewell, Iron Lady.)

This morning, I had an everything bagel with scallion cream cheese and lox for breakfast.

"And?"

"And" nothing.  That's the whole story.  The point of it is that life is good.  The weather is spring-ish.  The sound of landscaping equipment is wafting in through the open windows.  (Ever hear a feral cat scream as it gets caught in a lawnmower?  The sound is blood-curdling.)  My seasonal excuses are flaring up.  (Thanks to my hay fever I'm getting a therapeutic use exemption for EPO.)  I also rode my bike yesterday, steering it intentionally onto the bumpier parts of the road in honor of Paris-Roubaix, the race won by Fabian "Spocktopus" Cancellara:



Unfortunately, I forgot to set my DVR, but I did record the rebroadcast that came on late last night, which means I'll never, ever watch it because I already know everything that happens and now it will just sit there unwatched until I delete it to make more space for kiddie movies.  

And that's how I follow bike racing.

Anyway, making pictograms is more fun than watching bike racing:


(minus)

(plus)


Equals "Perry Ruby" which sounds kind of like Paris-Roubaix.

You may applaud now:



Speaking of spring, here is a scenario familiar to all New Yorkers:

You're walking or riding on a lovely spring day, buzzed on pheromones and choking on post-nasal drip due to your seasonal allergies.  Suddenly you notice cables duct-taped to the pavement, and then some weasely little NYU graduate with a Leatherman on his belt stops you and says, "Uh, could you wait, we're shooting here."  That's right, it's yet another film shoot.  Maybe they're making a crappy Hollywood blockbuster.  Maybe they're shooting another episode of an insipid TV drama.  Or maybe it's just a commercial for some piece of shit car.  Whatever the case, a bunch of overpaid schmucks are making you late for your job while they do theirs, which is pumping the popular culture's bloated lips full of more collagen "entertainment"--unless you're like me, in which case you reply "Oh, shut up," and keep going, despite the fact you don't even have a job to which to be late.

It's highly irritating, but I suppose it's the price of living in the only real city in America.

What's even more irritating though is being interrupted by a film shoot when you're not even in the city.   As I mentioned Friday, I do like riding all-terrain bicycles, but I don't like interrupting people while they're humping.  Therefore, that very afternoon, I headed north to a humping-free zone that offers much better riding:


(See?  No garbage, and nobody humping.)

What I did encounter though was an overturned car, because they were filming some kind of movie in the park:


Presumably the scene involved a car plummeting off a highway into a ravine, because they had installed a guardrail in the parking area:


They also bulldozed a path right through the trail, presumably for all their equipment:


It's hard to tell, but the trail is supposed to go like this:


It's a fun little section too--or at least it was before they fucked it up.  I mean, it's circa 2013 for chrissake!  Can't they do all this shit with computers?  They're like bicycles for the mind!


(Oh shut up.)

I guess what I'm saying is that absolutely nothing is more important than my leisure activities, and that it's only acceptable to inconvenience people when I'm the subject of the film.

I wonder if the film production company will send the woods a bill for scratching their crane, sort of like how the NYPD runs down cyclists and then sends them bills for scratching their cars:



The city added a thousand-dollar insult to an already painful injury when it demanded that a Brooklyn cyclist pay for damage to the police car that struck and sent him flying.

“I think it’s preposterous,” said Justin Johnsen, 31, who received the $1,263.01 bill from the city last month for the Nov. 5 accident on Flushing Avenue that left him with deep cuts that required stitches.

“I was upset. I was in kind of disbelief that they were going to send this letter after four months or so and ask me to pay damages for their vehicle, when they hit me when I was on a bicycle,” added Johnsen, who was not ticketed for the crash.

The only thing even remotely surprising about any of this is that the police did not also ticket the cyclist for the crash.

Meanwhile, the first bike share stations are beginning to appear:


I give it three months before the first station is destroyed by an out-of-control motorist who "mistakenly" steps on the accelerator instead of the brake.

120 comments:

McFly said...

Boom

Anonymous said...

PDDD DDDM

McFly said...

Phoning it in......

streepo said...

scranus

ChamoisJewce said...

You funny Jew!

wishiwasmerckx said...

I'm gay!

Not that there's anything wrong with that....

Roille Figners said...

TOPT NBCH

babble on said...

Goood morning!

JB said...

Whee! Two (2) rides this weekend! One (1) mountaining and one (1) roading.

McFly said...

I want to thank my team...comprised mainly of my fingers(and two toes).

Although my right hand does most of the pulling.

JB said...

Perfect positioning.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

yo mama, of course

crosspalms said...

Smart of them not to put any bikes at those Bikeshare stations. They'd probably just get stolen.

JB said...

The bikes were put there. Then they were immediately stolen using fake credit cards.

thegock said...

PACK FODR

Marcel Da Chump said...

Crash and fleece.

Roille Figners said...

On top of Babble... FINALLY

DB said...

I received my new Bike Snob book from Amazon Friday. I haven't had a chance to read it yet as I was in a very important meeting in Des Moines. You may live in the best city in the world, but the prettiest girls in the world live in Des Moines according to Jack Kerouac.
Anyway, back to the new book, I noticed that on the back of The Enlightened Cyclist, there is praise from the NYT, Lance Armstrong, Bill Strickland and People magazine.
The new book is praised by the NYT only.
I'm worried because I get all my book recommendations from Lance and People magazine.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

DB,
all those pretty girls from des moines have moved to williamsburg already... actually, the the daughters of the pretty girls jack spoke about... cuz you know, that was decades ago.

just sayin'

Serial Retrogrouch said...

WCR,

the city must've heard your criticism of the bike share... so they went ahead and installed the first one in the outer reaches of the smug zone.

just sayin'

babble on said...

Very kind of you not to interrupt people humping, Wildcat, but next time take photos please.
I loooooooove humping in nearly all its forms.

mikeweb said...

McFly, FTW!

I have a feeling that wiwm commenter earlier on wasn't the real wiwm either.

Yarpo said...

Congrats to McFly! Keeping the podium safe from attacking Ass Monkeys and adding to your pal-meh-res.

Fa-Bee-Yun was the Awesome yesterday!
Totally worth getting up at zero-dark-o'clock with extra strong coffee to combat the Sean Kelly droning voice.

Went back to bed after it was over and reportedy snored like a sawmill.

DerZoots said...

I went to see Frankie Bones & Adam X dj on Saturday night. NYC came to me! Sort of. It was fun and there were no bicycles involved. I walked there and home.

liapric2

Flyover bike commuter said...

They make quite a few movies and t.v shoes in my little piece of flyover country.

Learn to play it man. Get in line for the catered meals and feed youself whatever is available.

If you've got the time, and apparently you do, try to get in on one or more scenes. Then, the next time you redo your vitae or portofolio, you can add "Appeared in whatever movie".


Flyover Bike commuter said...

actually yhey don't make t.v. shoes here, at least not as far as I know for sure.

SPOC TPUS said...

Well, is it Spocktopus or Spoctopus?

Huh? Which one?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Nicely done McFly!

JB said...

The pretty girls in Des Moines had daughers and they all moved to Chicago. Then, they had daughters and they all moved to Williamsburg.

It seemed like in the late 90s, Chicago was a refugee camp for Iowan chics.

karima el mahroug said...

Do me in the woods, Snobby.

ChamoisJuice said...

For the record, I miss hebrews. You can't find a decent Rye bread out here for nothing. Or bagels. Or rugelach... however you spell that...

I was going to post a variety of entertaining youtube links that demonstrate the not so wide spectrum of white people we have here in the NorthWet, but I can't be arsed...

Instead, here's this: I found it extremely amusing....
Roadtrippin' Rabbis : Seattle & Portland

This much is true: more white people self identify as Hindu or Bhuddist than they do as Jewish in the PNW....

Turd Ferguson said...

Monday scranus

392 linatun

P. Bateman said...

i don't like the effect spring has sprung on your Snooberdoodle.

where is the anger? i need more anger or i'm going to kill you.

you see, its the anger that calms me.

i wonder if in the not too distant future if google will be partnering with the Ministry of Health and Human Prison Services to monitor blog comments sections to suss out the mentally deranged and make arrests of anyone making silly non-threatening threats like the one above.

To be sure: Dear Google-Obama Ministry of Heath and Human Prison Services - the above statements were made in jest. I only want to make love to Snooberdoodle - hump in the woods no less. I do not wish to make violence toward his/(her? do we know for certain?) person.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Jesus, CJ, more stereotypical racist crap from you?

Did you eat a lot of paste as a schoolboy?

I don't know what your problem is, but I'm guessing it's hard to pronounce.

Ok, now go post another half-dozen comments under my name, loser.

jayteepee said...

I was in Washington Park, enjoying a beautiful September day after the gigantic NYC fred ride. Out of the blue, this weasily fuck told me to step back or he'd need a get a release from, as he just started filming his epic zombie movie (just what the world needs, another fucking zombie movie!) I took one look at this furry faced little twat and told him that if he didn't shut up, he was going to need a release from the hands around his neck.

chester_cheats said...

USA Cycling forbids all license holders from entering events not sanctioned by USA Cycling.

Awwwwweeeesssssoooommmmmeeeee!

http://velonews.competitor.com/2013/04/news/road/uci-usa-cycling-clarify-rule-barring-uci-licensed-riders-from-unsanctioned-events_280854

Fredtastic racing just gets Fredlier by the month.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

waiting for my copy to arrive from Chronicle...

why did i order in advance again?

DB said...

Serial and JB:
If you see a good looking blonde in Williamsburg, chances are they are a granddaughter of one of the girls Jack was talking about.

DB said...

Babble:
I think it's your turn to write a book.
With lots of pictures, please.
And Dirndls!

The King of Park Slope said...

Que?

P. Bateman said...

by the way, your out of your mind if you think the hotties are in the midwest.

southeast. Period. god i live a trashy, tan, slightly drug addled florida woman.

you can keep your midwestern plow girls.

and yes the woman of NYC are top notch, but that means you'd have to actually want to live in NYC. which means your either insane or jewish. (chamois au jews - i'll support you. not sure why you are catching so much crap for innocuous statements).

DB said...

RIP Annette Funicello.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Wish I was wishiwasmerckx.

Yarpo said...

What's worse Snob, man-sex viewing in the park, or bulldozing-through-a-trail-to-make-a-film viewing in the park? The first hopefully leaves no trace (unless they discard their condoms on the ground-if they use condoms) and the second leaves a big scar through the woods.

What if you sight two guys sweatily humping ON a bulldozer while destroying nature for the purpose of making a film...while wearing hard hats, clown noses, and leotards with disco music blaring from a boom-box zip-tied to the roll cage?

What then?

What WILL you do?

schaughvn said...

Trails invaded and rearranged for a TV pilot! Saturday the lower parking lot was all CSC and Panavision trucks. Luckly, they stayed in that area. just like the old saying, "never allow a film crew in your house, it will never be the same.". it is good to see you riding there instead of Atlantic Highlands.

Comment deleted said...

Yes, goodbye lovely Annette. Not only did she have to suffer the indignity of MS, the SF Chronicle headline for her today is "Disney's Annette Funicello Dies". I didn't realize they actually own people, but I guess I'm not surprised.

I hate the fucking Mouse.

335 henkple said...

Keep calm
and
Don't be a dick

(someone tell the NYPD)

Roille Figners said...

Snobz, I hope you're not thinking of coming to Portland to escape the film crews. Cuz I can't even take a shit without stumbling on a Grimm crew filming in my toilet, acting like they own the place.

babble on said...

DB - working on it, and yes, naturally, it's mostly pictures. Unfortunately, I've yet to come across two guys humping in the woods...
SOME PEOPLE have all the luck.

mikeweb said...

Just returned from my first lunchtime ride of the year in Central Park.

Of course there was a Serotta sighting. I'm sure there will be many more.

Anonymous said...

Damn Babble. Would you really enjoy watching two guys play Hide The Salami? Gross.

I assume you HAVE been with 2 guys. Did you convince them to cornhole each other or did they focus mainly on you? Please say you Please say you.

Anonymous said...

Frilly did you find someone to feed your kitty? Meeeeeeoooooooooooow.

Anonymous said...

In yesterday's coversge of Paris-Robaix did you notice Phil Ligget refering to that "Armstrong debacle"? Sort of like that Watergate debacle back in the 70s, or maybe like that Hitler debacle back in the 1940's.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

babs,
can you leak any juicy info about your book? maybe the title... or at least one photo?

Gaynonymous said...

I came across two guys in the park.

It really did shoot that far.

M. Cipollini said...

I also "did half of Milan in 6 months". For free. And I did Milano-Sanremo in less than 7 hours and I'll come back to Milan to do the other half.

babble on said...

Yes, and yes, mostly me.

But love is love and hot guys going at it are as hot as hot girls going at it. Probably I'll regret asking this, but why are you guys scared of a little gay love?

McFly said...

I watched the Basque Country TT and Nairo Quintana had only been the victor for like 12 seconds before Steve Schlonger and Todd Guglioski started accusing him of doping.

Stay classy San diego. Way to move past it guys. Thats some hard-hitting journalism. Oh wait you are just calling the race. Please leave the mud slinging to the internets.

M. Cipollini said...

I also did Perry Ruby in about 2 hours. Smelled like burned tire all over the bedroom.

Anonymous said...

Call me conflicted on the issue. Two guys going at it in the woods, eeeewwww, two girrrls, maybe not so much.

two guys going at it in the woods said...

We will wait for you to talk this over and sort out your feelings on the issue and get it resolved.

NOT!

Anonymous said...

Guy #1: "Which hole do you want it in?"

Guy #2: "Which hole do you want it in?"

Babble: "Yep."

Dooth said...

Very provocative Margaret Thatcher photo, Wildcat...looks like she was about to press that iron on a scranus.

the commentariat said...

Babble, to be honest with you, I think that most are afraid that they might secretly enjoy it.

whutsis-itis said...

http://ass-savers.com/

Woah dude.....

Sorry this is bike related, it has nothing to do with babble or babble's sex-anything-itis.



whatsis-itis said...

I want to hear about some sweet squirrel on squirrel action.

babble on said...

Sex is bike related!
You can have really good sex on a bike.

Ohhh yes you can!

Roille Figners said...

This is all so Y Tu Mama Tambien.

Anonymous said...

Dang now I have this image of Babble on her knees rocking back and forth trying to tame the salami with 2 heads.

And suckceeding.

Anonymous said...

BGW coming to the rescue to defend babbles honor in 5....4.....3....2...

Anonymous said...

Honor?! That's soooo cute!

Anonymous said...

Not that there's anything wrong with it, but WHERE ARE THE PEOPLE HUMPING IN THAT PICTURE!? I can't see it. Seriously. Someone help.

Anonymous said...

Let's not all rush to defend wiwm's honor...

whutsis-tits said...

Boner squad cum defend Babble!

Blabble can you draw a pikchure how to "do it" on a biek?

totes vexing.....

TV Guide said...

"Uh, could you wait, we're shooting here."

If the cast was standing around talking, then walking for a little bit, and then talking some more, and some more, and some more... Then what you saw was an episode of Game of Thrones in production. With the Bronx standing in for Fair Verona, you can't tell the two apart, or one of the other seven kingdoms. 59 nine minutes of talking and another 60 seconds encompassing a guy getting a knife under a finger nail, a crow getting an arrow shot at it (missed, no crows were harmed in making this production) and the dwarf getting some head (implied; no actual head shot included on screen, perhaps because of his height).

Frilly Chick said...

Kisses, McFly!

And I'll be feeding my own kitty, thank you very much.

Admittedly, the thought of two guys going at it, eeks me out a little bit. So does the thought of two girls. Come to think of it, I've always been a bit prudish like that.

Man on Wire said...

If seven Wallendas could be stacked on top of each other on a tightrope then I don't see why Babble couldn't do it with a male of the species on top of a moving bike. Just watch out for potholes.

The Birds and the Birds, the Bees and the Bees said...

SNOBS original "guys in the park" never really said what kind of sex fell upon his innocent eyes. His new post implies humping was going on, but humping what? Was it oral cop, anal cop or cop on cop?

NYC Humane Society said...

Were giving serious thought to starting a blog containing the "best of" comments made to Snob's Blog. If we can get a picture of Leroy's Dog for the home page we may just do it.

Roille Figners said...

It was Cop on Pop.

COP, STOP, The cop yelled stop.
COP, POP, The cop's on Pop!
HOP, POP, Hop away, Pop!
POP, COP, Pop popped the cop.
COP, CAP, The cop popped a cap.
POP, STOP, Pop should've stopped.

I Claudius said...

Ruby the Heartstealer did half of Milan in six months. So what is the big deal? My wife Messalina beat the head of the Guild of Prostitutes in contest to see who could take on more lovers one after the other.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

frilly,

i'm with you on that... prudish or not, the only action i like to see is me on chick.

Guy #1 & Guy #2 said...

Technically our balls DID touch but we were involved in Both Holes Double Meat Penetration with Lady Babble so we were OK with it.
The weird part was when it was all over and we were burning one and she plopped down between us on the couch and grabbed one in each hand and said "So are these just one trick ponies or can they handle Round #2?"

Ange said...

This blog is the best blog of all the blogs.

Anonymous said...

Annette Funicello can never be forgiven for what she did to the miners.

April 8, 2013 at 6:32 AM AEST

Anonymous said...

Do Des Moines girls have gelati thighs?

April 9, 2013 at 6:34 AM AEST

wang party said...

male insecurity grows

"The apparent measurements of the computerized "men" were based on a study of more than 1,000 Italian men."

Anonymous said...

Dem' Des Moines girls have midwestern corn fed thighs.

Is Iowa cultured enough for Italian ice cream?

FROZEN CUSTARD!!!!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

babble
commentariat,

"Our own analysis of male and female erotica revealed that men are far more interested in penises than women are."

yes, i'd say it's true... i'm much more interested in my own penis than any other person's body parts... i've worked all my life for him, forchrissake.

oh, bicycle cycling... just in case we forgot what this blog is about.

penis

bikesgonewild said...

...thing is, anon 3:28pm, babble never NEEDS me to defend her honor...let's get that straight...

...chick is a highly intelligent & capable woman with all the tools necessary to deal with any 'intellectual capacity' she's ever likely to encounter on this blog site...

...what you don't seem to realize is that the reprobates who direct comments "at" babble aren't trying insult her so much as hoping that they can irk her into responding, thus fulfilling their need to be dominated by a strong woman in seven inch heels...

...as the perfect dominatrix, she simply laughs in their faces...

...me ???...i just think she's fucking hot...& fucking smart...

Anonymous said...

Hoot, they it is!

babble on said...

More shit goes down in the name of honour... fer crissakes... exactly what kind of defending do you think I need, and against what?! I've done nothing wrong. Well 'cept maybe a bit of indecent exposure here and there, but honestly... how ridiculous. Besides, decency is overrated.

And if I need defending against someone's negative opinion of me, well, that's just laughable. As if it mattered...

Roille Figners said...

I like how you Canadians spell "honour." Usually I spell it that way too, in a nod to honourable old Albion.

Roille Figners said...

Writing "honour" is also a way of remarking that honour is a bit old-fashioned. But that only works on US of A'ers, who have only encountered that kind of spelling whilst reading old-ass stuff like Shakespeare. In a country where things are still spelled that way today, that wouldn't work.

Guy 2 said...

I was no where near sploogin' until our sacs starting gently nuzzling against one another everytime she would "bottom out" and then I got totally aroused and BOO YAH game over.

I was very confused later so I got real high.

crosspalms said...

I would defend my own honor, but I took the bus today. Yes, it was pouring this morning, and yes, the forecast said it would be like that all day, but to punish me it stopped raining shortly after I got to work, the sun came out and it's lovely. Closest storm I can see on the weather map is in Missouri. Gah.

babble on said...

THE BUS??! Oh the shame.

crosspalms said...

I know. I hang my head.

DB said...

Crosspalms:
I drove today because it was pouring here and I had to make a liquor store run.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

i have no way of defending my honor... i hang my head in shame... it's beautiful, sunny, warm and crisp here, yet i took the train.

i'm defending my honor by saying that i'm at the tail end of a bout of flu... but i've been on my bike before when i was in worse shape...

i think i'm getting old.

crosspalms said...

Plus, I just discovered one of our cats peed on my umbrella. They've never peed on my bike. Case closed.

babble on said...

Rollie - Albion... that's good. I haven't heard that in years.

bikesgonewild said...

...crosspalms...watch your sidi's...

...cats...they just do what they do...whenever they fucking want...

...just sayin'...

bikesgonewild said...

...re: upside down car in the woods photo...

...there seems to be a 'lull' in the action...

Roille Figners said...

Tell you something else: When Snobz's scallion cream cheese bagel edit drops, it's gonna be sick.

Or rather, when the scallion cream cheese bagel "edit" "drops," it's gonna be "sick."

Anonymous said...

For all of you who would like to see photos of people humping in parks and photos of people looking at them, the great artist Kohei Yoshiyuki did some photos of them circa 1970s.
You can see some of them on the Yossi Milo Gallery website.
http://www.yossimilo.com/artists/kohe_yosh/?show=0&img_num=0#title

(I'm too lazy to html it... Copy/paste is the prize to pay for you, perverts.)

smentlen 6535


velobotomy said...

I'm not a pervert. I just love art!

Nonplussed Squirrel said...

No attack by the Ass Monkeys today. Sad, the status of this blog. A declining fortune.

Sir Bangs Alot, Knight of the Round Ritz Cracker said...

I Sir Bangs Alot will come to the rescue of the fair maiden BABBLE, maiden, not so much, but I take artistic license in the name of shivery (I know it's not spelled the way you think it should be, but the usage is correct, thinking of Babble brings on shivery from a cold shower). If she has a passport I will mount her on my trusty steed and whisk her away from ass monkey's attack (or reasonable facsimile-ties there of)

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

you are right, Ange.
it's only the comments that have seriously slid down hill.

anonymoose said...

@ babbble & commentariat, I can't help it that I'm attracted to women, and not to men. O.K? If I could get a raging boner from rolling with the guys, I would. Fact is,even the unfortunate looking gals get me going, but no dice from even the "hottest" bloke. Just sayin'.

crosspalms said...

DB,
At least you got some liquor out of it. All I got was a smelly umbrella. Luckily (?) the bus I took home was pretty rank, so nobody noticed.

bgw,
They certainly do! Bike shoes safe, but last year the little beasts found a pair of LL Bean gumboots that apparently needed some "special" conditioning. My wife likes to say they make you take care of your stuff, but my experience is they get to your stuff before you think it needs taking care of.

cumbersc, isn't he the new Sherlock Holmes?

Grump said...

Snobby, That wasn't cats getting caught in a lawnmower.
It was either
A) A female cat having a "romantic" interlude.
OR
B) A house frau getting surprised by her hubby doing something that the AG in Virginia wants to make illegal.
.
.
.

leroy said...

I was in a bike shop today and am pretty sure there was a guy paying to fix the bike of someone he had hit with his car. The cyclist was okay and the driver told him he was glad he hadn't been hurt.

I never ever thought I would see something like that.

Renews my faith in humanity.


Fritz said...

Twaddle

bikesgonewild said...

...crosspalms...i'm with you on that...

...i like both cats n' dogs but if you do something that's upsetting to your dog, he'll just kinda look at you like "...hey, did i do something wrong here ???"...hence the term 'hang dog look'...

...do something to upset your cat & that sucker will pay you back by pissing on something you like or just attacking you as you walk by & then look at you like "...so what, pal...you deserved that...be sure my dinners ready on time, ya ???"...

...disclaimer:...all references to behavioral patterns in this expose excludes a certain brooklyn based canine...i did not have his written permission to include him here...

ce said...

Bulldozers are fun.

Anonymous said...

I once heard a feral bike blogger who thinks cruelty is funny get caught in a lawnmower. Sound was music to my ears.

the commentariat said...

All right, it's Tuesday and I'm ready to comment on something.

Icahbanjarmasin said...

Iron Lady my favorite..