The Only Thing Worse Than Being Talked About Is People Telling You What You Can Do With Your Genitals

Remember how yesterday I posted the trailer (trailer is pretentious for "commercial") for my new book?  No?  Well you should probably go see a doctor and get your brain checked (I know a great brain guy, he even takes Obamacare)--unless you didn't read my blog yesterday, in which case you should cancel that doctor's appointment.

Anyway, the reason I mention it is that I wanted to thank My Dutch Bike in Sausalito for lending us the bakfiets:

If you live in the San Francisco Bay Area please visit them for all your Dutch bike needs.

[By the way, if you're wondering what it's like to ride a bakfiets over the Golden Gate Bridge, I wouldn't know, because hilariously and ironically we picked it up and returned it via SUV.  Go USA!]

Speaking of my literary output, a reader yesterday expressed the following concern:

Angie Kritenbrink said...

Did you manage to slip some sexist stereotypes into this book also?

it's kind of odd how your books all contain sexist stereotypes but your blog is so enjoyable and never sexist. I'd rather look at that picture of that topless woman on the recumbent with David Byrne's face covering her nippes or whatever than that picture you have in your book of the girl on the girly bike salmoning or whatever. 

Please don't be sexist any more! Thanks

March 19, 2013 at 3:20 AM

I'm pretty confident that the book is not sexist since my editor forced me to cut the "Barefiets and Pregnant" chapter.  Nevertheless, I'm certainly happy to oblige you on the topless-woman-on-the-recumbent front:

[REDACTED]

Oh, sorry, I forgot to put David Byrne over the nipples, but this should make up for that:

David Byrne's disapproving gaze is more than enough to make you forget you just saw a pair of nipples.  It's like a "Men In Black" memory zorcher for the libido.

[And please don't complain that the recumbent image is "NSFW."  If your boss complains just show him that photo of David Byrne, he'll forget all about it.  Or she'll forget all about it.  Because women can be bosses too--except for that pesky "glass ceiling," of course.  Damn this capitalist phallocentric hegemony!]

Maybe pro cycling team sponsor Lululemon should put a David Byrne iron-on transfer onto the crotch of their see-through yoga pants:

Apparently due to a problem at the factory, there is “a level of sheerness in some of our women’s black Luon bottoms that falls short of our very high standards,” the company said today.

It's also wreaked havoc on their stock price:

Lululemon stock fell 3.8% today and is down another 5.2% in after-hours trading.

Though on the bright side, most yoga classes are experiencing a 300% increase in male registration:

("Just hopin' to spot some labe.")

Speaking of inequality, yesterday I snuck in a bicycle cycling ride since a bunch of snow was about to fall on us, and on my way home I passed a street preacher.  He was hooked up to a microphone and he was very upset about how people of the same gender sometimes like to rub their parts together and get married.  "God created Adam and Eve!," he bellowed, "not Adam and Steve!"  He said it with smugness and pride, beaming as though he had come up with the phrase himself.  Clearly he thought it was Oscar Wildian in its wit, even though it's one of those phrases that instantly reveal the speaker as a moron, right up there with "D'uh," and "Help, I got my testicles caught under the car hood again."  (Sorry to be sexist again.  Of course women also work on their cars, and I'm sure every so often they get their labia caught under the hood.)

For a moment I thought of challenging his logic.  Who's to say God didn't create Adam and Steve?  How does he know they didn't live in a tidy, fashionable section of the Garden of Eden where Steve ran a boutique that sold designer fig leaf loincloths?  Then I marveled at the sublime audacity of using one total bullshit story to debunk another--as though story of Genesis is perfectly sensible, yet the idea that God might have also made two guys who like to hump each other is somehow ridiculous.  Finally I realized I should just keep my mouth shut in the interest of my own safety, because anybody who plugs himself into an amplifier so he can shout about the evils of butt sex is obviously completely insane, and possibly also violently horny.

Nevertheless, I learned two things from this encounter:

1) Americans are stupid, and many of us think that if something rhymes it has to be true;

and

2) Cyclists are really no different from religious lunatics.  Think about it: believing in Adam and Eve but not Adam and Steve is just as arbitrary as thinking road racing is "cool" yet triathlon is "dorky"--especially when you consider the substantial evidence to the contrary:

(By Klaus of Cycling Inquisition)

I watched that for at least 45 minutes, and I challenge you to look away any sooner than that.

And here's some more evidence, forwarded by a reader:

What is this Fred doing?  Riding an invisible bicycle?  Playing basketball?  Reenacting the creation myth of Adam and Steve in mime?  It's anybody's guess.

I will acknowledge that as animals we do need to have some taboos.  After all, we can't just go around killing each other, eating our young, and inbreeding, as much fun as all of that would be.  I suppose this is why we evolved into the sorts of animals that invent religions--it's about survival of the species.  At the same time, we're uniquely equipped to disregard these taboos when it's convenient.  For example, your religion may tell you not to kill people, but if someone insults your religion then obviously they have to die.  Also, the law may tell you not to kill people, but it's perfectly fine as long as you're driving:

Oh, and here's some shocking news:

The city also recorded 18 cyclist fatalities, down from 22 in 2011, and 35 motorcyclist deaths, an increase from 32. For the third year in a row, the city said, no pedestrians were killed in crashes with cyclists.

I don't believe it.  You mean to tell me cyclists haven't killed anybody in three years?!?  Following the local news had given me the impression that cyclists were the most dangerous people on the road.  The New York Post alone makes it seem like we're killing like ten people a day.  Next thing you know, people will start realizing that drivers are the real problem and then the DOT will finally start installing speed cameras--oh, wait, no they won't, because the police don't want them:


“Many speeders are unlicensed, some are operating under the influence and sometimes they are fleeing crime scenes or carrying weapons,” the group’s president, Patrick J. Lynch, said in a statement. “Cameras let all those dangers slip by.”

He said that money allocated for speed cameras would be better spent in hiring more officers.

Yeah, that's a great use of funds.  Think of all the cyclists they could ticket.

Maybe we really should ride invisible bikes like that Fred I mentioned earlier.  Here's one potential design forwarded to me by another reader:

Though that might be as useless as tits on a bull--or on a tire, as forwarded by yet another reader:


Cannondale R300 Touring Bike - $500 (Lindenhurst)
   

For sale. brand new 13 year old Cannondale R300 24 Speed Touring Bike. dark green color. aluminum frame, mavic rims. it has a 23" inch frame. Bought brand new in 2000, rode around cycle shop parking lot and then put away. brand new, "tits" still on tires. asking $500, but if im out of line, give me a call and let me know a fair price. call Steve at 516-476-2380 for info. Thanks for looking.

I don't know what "tire tits" are, but I'm pretty sure that's sexist.