Tuesday, March 26, 2013

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(Bike fittings make Fred feel special, as forwarded by a reader.)

Firstly, it looks like I'm finally coming to Cleveland on Saturday, April 27th, so if you're in Cleveland and you want to tell me off then pencil it in your calendar and I'll furnish you with additional details soon.

Cleveland.

Secondly, you can never have too many bikes.  Sure, you might not need another one, but every so often an opportunity arises that's simply too good to pass up.  That's why I'm snatching up this beauty:


I learned about this masterpiece from Stevil Kinevil of All Hail The Black Market, and it proves the adage that the best paint jobs are the ones that make it look like someone's having sex with your bicycle:


Why would anybody want one of those Dario Pegoretti tie-dye hippie burnout paint jobs when you could have someone going to town on your rear suspension instead?

(Yawn.)

By the way, in case you were wondering, the seller confirms that's actually a woman on there:

Interesting older Carbon Y frame with quite the custom paint job on it. With love and understanding, I am sure this bike can go again. It is a large, 19 from center to top. I checked the carbon and found no cracks in the frame. Their is a small hole drilled next to the head tube as seen in picture as well as a large chip by the blues brothers looking dudes. Yes it is a woman painted on there. The bike also comes with manitou axel fork that the stanchions have some oxidation on them. Has LX front and rear derailluers, wheels are decent with ritchey zero hubs, cane creek headset, 9spd cassette, mismatched brakes as well as 1 grip shifter and 1 deore rapid fire shifter, dia compe brake levers and system 2 bar and stem. I probably have a few smalls I can throw in as well with the bike. I am hoping for the money I am asking, someone will want to bring her back and let her feel the road and trails again.
 Please ask questions and thanks for looking.

Shipping is 55.00 and local pick-up is never a problem.

Though it would be pretty amusing if "she" had a "surprise" waiting for you on the drive side.


(Surprise!)

Evidently it happens enough that the seller felt compelled to mention it.

Speaking of surprises, it probably won't surprise you at all to learn that in New York City it's perfectly fine to drive on the sidewalk and kill people:


In the span of four weeks, five motorists collided with pedestrians on the sidewalks of New York City, killing three and severely injuring two others. But as we've seen time and again, the drivers responsible face no serious consequences for their actions. “I hope this is an eye-opener and we have some change, because it's really, truly heartbreaking,” the daughter of 90-year-old Mansoor Day tells the Post. Day—co-founder of one of New York’s first abortion clinics—is still in extremely critical condition after SUV driver Richard Mouss crashed into him on the sidewalk outside Sak's Fifth Avenue in February.

Rest assured that you don't even have to have an excuse to do it, but if you feel compelled to offer one anyway then "I spilled some milk" has been proven effective:



The horrifying crash in Long Island City that left one teen dead and sent four other pedestrians to the hospital yesterday morning was caused by spilled milk, according to one police source, who also tells WPIX 11 that the driver, Mohamad Keita, was speeding in excess of 35 mph. The unidentified driver of the dark red Dodge Caravan lost control of the vehicle shortly after 10:30 a.m. and drove up onto the sidewalk near LaGuardia Community College in Long Island City, Queens. The police source says the driver is attributing the wreck to spilled milk, and a witness says he immediately got out and started apologizing.

Just make sure you have insurance, or else you might get in big trouble.

Just kidding!


No, it's totally fine, you'll only get a summons:

Despite a police source's assessment that the driver was speeding, Keita does not currently face any criminal charges, merely a summons for driving without insurance. 

Yes, here in New York City there's no use crying over spilt milk--or over the carnage you left in your wake after you spilled it.  That's why I prefer the more cartoonish violence you'll find in cities like Seattle, as forwarded by another reader:


As the messenger was standing on the sidewalk, a woman—who the messenger described as “pregnant”—climbed out of the passenger side of the car and started yelling at him.

The woman then reached into her bra, pulled out a stun gun and chased after the messenger, striking him twice in the face.

The male driver also got out of the car, pulled out his own stun gun and swung it at the victim.

Assailants wielding electroshock weaponry is just one of the many reasons you should opt for a bicycle made from a non-conducting material like bamboo:


Another reason is apparently that it's laterally stiff, vertically compliant, and panda-satiating in every direction:

"When I first made a bamboo bike and tested it, I rode it and after one or two hundred meters I was like, 'Where's all the vibration gone?'  And that's the feeling when you're riding a bamboo bike.  The vibrations just disappear."

I'd like to know what kind of bicycles these people were riding that vibrated so much.  Maybe I have an armadillo for a scranus, but I've never experienced this punishing vibration people talk about (at least not on a bicycle)--except when I was much younger and much Fredlier and stupidly tried inflating my tires to 145psi because someone at the bike shop told me I could do that and that it would make me faster.  (Hanging around in bike shops is a dangerous source of misinformation, and it's also the reason people go around saying that long stems produce a "goofy tiller effect.")

Then of course there's the whole "sustainable" thing:


Iron Bamboo has recorded over three feet of growth in a single day, and it only requires water, sunlight, and soil to grow. It’s a grass that naturally grows back after being harvested.  It prevents soil erosion, does not contribute to soil depletion like many other crops, and is one of the most efficient means of sequestering carbon dioxide known to man.

We use aluminum because it is the easiest metal to recycle and is strong, stiff, and light.

Okay, I'm looking at the bike, and it's made from all the same crap every other bike is made from, except it also has a few pieces of bamboo gratuitously wedged in there for some reason.  How is this bike more sustainable?  This is like putting a bamboo muffler on your car and saying it's suddenly a "sustainable automobile."  And if aluminum is strong, stiff, light, and easy to recycle, why not just make the whole frame out of it?

Wow, a bicycle frame made entirely out of aluminum.  It would probably be light, durable, and relatively inexpensive.  Imagine that.

Maybe someone will try it one day.

86 comments:

Serial Retrogrouch said...

popping a wheelie

Comment deleted said...

nice tits

ken e. said...

podium!

Anonymous said...

KNEE-HEEL BE-HEE-FORE ZO-HO-HO-HOD.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

terfavol 971

samh said...

Sustainable automobile? Yeah, it's called a '91 Honda Civic.

mikeweb said...

Whoa! Retrogrouch gets the repeat!

Anonymous said...

Weee!

1140 eRtcycw

Anonymous said...

vertically stiff and laterally compliant

Anonymous said...

TOOO OPTN

RANTWICK said...

Hey! Hah!

RANTWICK said...

My top 10 goes up to 11.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Just kidding. I'm not wearing panties.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

wow,
cleveland
nice tits
fred penile dimension
y-foil vaginie

keep it up... [and i mean that literally]

oh, and nice tits

Anonymous said...

Helmet!

McFly said...

Technically speaking that the optimum procedure for measuring scranus height and perpendickularity.

Do they throw the Taint Level in a biohazard receptacle or do they have one of those glass jars of blue stuff like at the barber shop to marinade it in?

3G said...

Reverse cowgirl? Really?

That's actually pretty classy.

mikeweb said...

I don't know about Aluminum, but there's plenty of bicycles made from Aluminium.

Marcel Da Chump said...

V!

RANTWICK said...

I am like you in that I have never suffered from these bad vibrations on my bike, aluminum included. That said, the Toronto zoo just got Pandas and bamboo does not grow in Canada. Time to order up a few bikes...

Anonymous said...

Armadillo Scranus.

McFly said...

Is the rear shock lockout device her clit? Pleeeeeease say its her clit.

babble on said...

mmm CLEAVEland... going to town on my rear suspension is always a good thing... :D

Anonymous said...

mikeweb:

But those only go on the wrong side of street.

Roille Figners said...

Could've been 4th, but read the post thoroughly. While working.

= RIGOROUS ETHICAL FRAMEWORK

rwaiee feenyay

Fritz said...

Almost daily at BSNYC or Gothamist you can read about the ongoing carnage of pedestrians and Cyclists
by NYC motor vehicles, no one charged with murder maybe a Ghost bike here and there as a reminder...But over in the UK Frederick The Schmendrick pushes the envelope of insanity in his high vis vest and no one dies? Strange

Anonymous said...

Top XXX?

P. Bateman said...

i have to use one of those 7 foot professional carpenter levels to measure my big surprise.

by the way, spilled milk is no joke. cats go crazy for that shit.

The King of Park Slope said...

Y would anyone do that?

babble on said...

Going to town uptown, downtown and all over town, my very own CLEAVEland, stroking the pussy, and of course sweet Snobbums in all of his satirical glory... these are just a few of my favourite things.

Anonymous said...

@MikeWeb

No. No, there aren't any bicycle cycles being made from Aluminium any more. They moved the production overseas and now they are made from Aroomirium.

babble on said...

McFly - definitely. It's her clit.

balls™ said...

I have an aluminum scranus.

I also ride a nearly 10 year old aluminum bike-fast frame. It still has 2 round wheels and it's still fast. A crabon frame would be lighter, but for several $k's it's far cheaper to drop 5lbs from my fat ass.

I'd rather be bowling.

Comment deleted said...

You're all misunderstanding that bike-fitting picture. It is crucial that the angle of the scranus matches that of the seat. When you see a seat pointed ridiculously downward, you should feel pity for the poor dude with the tilted scranus that rides the thing.

Anonymous said...

Babble your rear suspension looks to be pretty stiff. Has it got the new Specialized Brain Technology that will give in on the really hard hits but stay firm when things are only mildly choppy? Pervious minds want to know. I want to know.


170pervian(swear I did not make that up)

Anonymous said...

Snobs,
If you had a bamboo stem that grew three feet a day you'd really catch some shit then.

mikeweb said...

Oh. My. LOB!!!

I just went outside, and - gasp - it's over 50 degrees!!!

Just to think, yesterday I didn't ride to work because they were predicting 1-3 inches of snow...

Oh, almost forgot. Nice tits.

Buffalo Bill said...

Iron is also easily recyclable.

Tetanus the Clown said...

In the 'burbs of Portland assaults on cyclists involve giggling teenage girls and tree branches.

http://bikeportland.org/2013/03/25/woman-says-she-was-assaulted-while-bicycling-on-gresham-fairview-trail-84588

Kevin Cronin said...

Cleveland cycling community buzzing about your Saturday 4/27 visit. Why not fly in Friday night and join hundreds of friends for Cleveland Critical Mass? It would be great to have you join up. Send flight details and we could ride out to the airport and meet you.

Nina said...

I like the neatly folded tea towel on the oven that the reverse cowgirl bike is leaning on.

And if that painting is accurate (and I have no doubt that it is, it's like a gynecological textbook on the side of a bike), then, no, we wouldn't be able to see her clit or the part of the bike that would represent it.

299e said...

Axel=Some dude
Axle=Some thing
Axl=Do I even have to?

Frilly Chick said...

Way ta go, Grouch! And nice podio CD & ken e.

She has Triple A for her cheeks? Hmmmmm.

JB said...

That Y-foil is fantastic. Someone buy it and edit the image so it looks like Brett Michaels.

This is like putting a bamboo muffler on your car and saying it's suddenly a "sustainable automobile." Genius.

babble on said...

Anon @2:29 - Yup, it's pretty firm, but it has a remarkable ability to absorb repeated impacts. It's good that way...

Dooth said...

So, basically, we're at the mercy of spilt milk...and nice tits.

ChamoisJuice said...

The bike fitter has it all wrong... He probably sets up the bars level, too. SLIGHT UPWARD ANGLE IS IDEAL!

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ChamoisJuice said...

BSNYC:

You scoff at the "expert advice" from forums, and bike shops. You are becoming one of those weird guys that ignores the "rules", and sets up their bike however suits their fancy..... soon you will have windmills and 6' flags attached to the rear, and two extra sets of handlemabars hose clamped to the primary bars.

TILLER EFFECT??? Don't get all high tech on me... it's comfortable and I like it...

babble on said...

Dennis - You're absolutely right. Fucking sodomy.

Nice tits.

Fritz said...

"Although, getting mainstream America to like bicyclists is a lot tougher than decriminalizing sodomy."

Truth is stranger than fiction

Anonymous said...

American bicyclists could start by not dressing like retards and riding 4 abreast.....

Anonymous said...

2 days running you have Bikes-Having-Sex-with-Women themed blogulars. Go for the trifecta my good man.

AICAR_for_breakfast said...

American bicyclists could start by not dressing like retards and riding 4 abreast.....

March 26, 2013 at 3:22 PM


Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Anonymous said...

Is it still sodomy if she guides it into door number 2?

crosspalms said...

anon 3:22
Perhaps you haven't seen our Constitution. Dressing like retards and riding 4 abreast comes right after the gun part.

babble on said...

Anon @ 3:32 - yes, the best kind.

Lumpen fredetariat said...

@Serial Retrogrouch said...popping a wheelie.

Nice to see a regular winning in style - and then taking nine minutes to read and re-comment.

@Mikeweb - I just went outside, and - gasp - it's over 50 degrees!!!
That happens pretty much every day in the Bay Area…

Comment deleted said...

Thanks, Frilly!

Chamois, if this is a schtick, it's mildly amusing. If not, you are just going to have to accept the fact that WCRM does something in a non-Chamois Juice-approved fashion; while this may destroy the rest of your life, please don't keep whining about it here.
Unless you can be funny about it.

babble on said...

funny is good

Dooth said...

NEWS FLASH: the Seattle bike messenger said, "nice tits", to the stun-gun-packing mama.

Tyler's Chimera said...

Nice Teats

bikesgonewild said...

..."...that's why i'm snatching up this beauty..."...

...nicely appropriate & descriptive terminology, bsnyc/rtms/wcrm...

...btw...that rear shock & spring looks decidedly industrial, particularly in light of the delicate softness it's seemingly about to plunge into...

...just noticin'...

Anonymous said...

I just saw Lucas Brunelle riding up The Avenue of The Americas in a group of wannabe bike messengers, videoing their douchey-aggressive urban cycling style. Pathetic. Senseless. UNIMPRESSED.

bikesgonewild said...

...i'm looking for a trek y-foil which has a similiar but slightly different shape...

...that mtb is the blonde, daytime summer girl in her polka dots & white stockings...

...the y-foil road version needs a dark haired, dressier, black evening wear chick although still with her skirt hiked up around her waist, exposing her sheer dark stockings, heels & without all those cables in the way, the whispiest whisper of a thong...

...just, you know, sayin'...

Anonymous said...

Aluminium or aluminun
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aluminum

ken e. said...

somebody, somewhere, has a 70's van with mags and a paint job by frazetta...

NORS CHIC
POLR BEAR

bikesgonewild said...

...i can picture it, ken e...saw them in those days so i can picture it now...

Perry Mason said...

"One DA explained: "You really have to show the jury that it's not their conduct that is being tried here."

The guy who killed the couple and their baby, his lawyer (with violin playing and a box of tissues handy) said he's had a hard life growing up and the reason he fled the scene of the accident is because he's afraid of authority figures.

Seems like he's a shoe in to get off.

Jim Romney said...

Do I have to be the first one to point out that the front fork on that old mtb is a little 'off'? And yeah the art-work is classy and all but...

And mcFly, if you caress the rear lockout just right that frame will sure flutter and vibrate, even if it has a bamboo top tube.

Anonymous said...

If you are bored, and hey, who isn't this deep into the comments, check out "The Van" on netflix.

M. Cipollini said...

I don't want to freak out anyone but that woman has cable braze ons near her anus.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I am the proud owner of a carbon Y-foil mountain bike. However, it is in the factory-way royal blue and tangerine color scheme, and lacks a vulva, real or imagined.

Fritz said...

Perry Mason

The only way to get Justice in that case is with Don Corleone

Godfather give me Justice

David St. Hubbins said...

I have an armadillo in my trousers

withorri 69

Nigel Tufnel said...

I said that, you cunt.

Anonymous said...

Odd, where I live using "drinking milk whilst driving" as an excuse will bring another offence, "dangerous driving", since you demonstrably were not in control of the vehicle through your own actions.

I can't imagine NYC has less laws then we do. Perhaps their police's attitude to operators of dangerous machinery is different.

Anonymous said...

Everyone needs a good Whilst every now and then!

vsk

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't it be nice if we could do something about drunk drivers? (not just the ones drinking milk). Seattle had a drunk driver squash 3 generations of one family. Drunk shit-head had two prior convictions of DUI and was driving without a license.

... oh, but he was a "good guy" who had a "problem with the bottle."

http://www.seattlebikeblog.com/2013/03/26/grandparents-killed-mother-and-infant-daughter-critical-in-wake-of-tragedy-in-front-of-eckstein-middle-school/

Angie Kritenbrink said...

Yeah that accident in front of Eckstein Middle School happened like 10 blocks from where I live, scary. Seems crazy that one takes their life in their hands walking down the street in FREAKING WEDGWOOD. But people don't slow down when you are crossing the street, and sometimes one do-gooder slows down but there are three other assholes speeding around that person. That 75th and 35th area is particularly bad. I wish that guy wasn't a multiple DUI guy because probably no one will take a look at the streets there now.

Anonymous said...

mawedge equalty for ALL



nice bewbs

CamAUS said...

So....Is it ok to masturbate to these pictures?

Reverse Cowgirl said...

2 1//2" of stroke is OK, but I would really like to go to 4".

Dave said...

The Schwalbe company informs me that they're developed the perfect tire for Ironman comps - very technical. But why would these Ironmen/women need tires at all? Why not standardize on solid-iron bikes including wheels? They aren't trying to set speed records; they're just trying to show more iron than the next guy. One mile on mountain trails with a 200-pound bike would do the trick. As for me I am waiting for the bike frame made of Unobtanium, which will weigh a negative ten pounds. You have to remember to tie it up, though.

Anonymous said...

Yeah! Cleveland! We go to 11.

Nice tits.