Monday, March 4, 2013

Monday is Wednesday minus two.

Hello out there in Internet land!  Aren't Monday's the BEST?!?  And who else is following the exciting sport of professional road bike racing?  Nobody?  Yeah, me either.  Nevertheless I did notice that Filippo Pozzato thought he won a bike race when he actually didn't, which is always entertaining:


Filippo Pozzato (Lampre-Merida) threw his arms in the air thinking he had won the Roma Maxima race, only to discover a few seconds later that Blel Kadri (Ag2r-La Mondiale) had managed to stay away and win the first edition of the new-look Italian race.

The headline indicates that he was embarrassed, though I doubt anyone who sports a tattoo like this has the capacity to feel embarrassment:


(Ironically, outgoing Pope Pope Benedict XVI has exactly the same tattoo.)

I'm not sure how "God" judges Pozzato, but I'll bet more than one randy Cardinal finds him guilty of being sexy and wouldn't mind slipping a few Euros into his faux-wrinkled Euro-jeans:


("Only God can dress me.")

Clearly the Vatican should be given dominion over the sport of pro cycling, since from an integrity standpoint it would be a seamless transition.

Moving on, as you attempt to recover from the state of arousal and/or revulsion (I don't judge, that's for "God" to do) caused by the above photo of a pro cyclist with his fly open and a tattoo of a karp eating fish food out of his navel, try to guess what city this is:




(Forwarded by a reader.)

If you said "Portland" then you're wrong, because this is Chicago:

Heritage is a mash-up, not of the two most unexpected things you could think of, but of two concepts and cultures, that really go hand in hand. If you’ve never thought to pair bikes and coffee, don’t worry, because we are here making sense of it from 8am to 7pm, every day of the week.

This looks like a very nice place, but on what planet is the paring of bikes and coffee "unexpected?"  Bikes and plumbing supplies would be unexpected.  On the other hand, everybody knows cyclists won't shut up about coffee, and Chris King even makes an expresso tampon.  Bike retail and coffee retail are so intertwined at this point that I give it five years before Starbucks starts offering bike repairs.  After that even Dunkin' Donuts will get in on the act, and one day you'll walk in to buy a box of Munchkins only to find an "artisanal bike repair center" where a hapless employee bangs futilely on a Magna between microwaving those egg slabs for the breakfast sandwiches.  (By the way, Dunkin' Donuts egg slabs make great heavy-duty tire boots.  I've had one in my Big Dummy for 18 months now and it's still going strong.  I'll let you know how it tastes when I finally get around to changing the tire.)

Of course, no bike-themed video would be complete without the "riding off into the sunset on the sidewalk" shot:



Presumably he's heading off to buy some plumbing supplies.

In other news of the artisanal, another reader informs me that a couple of artisanal fathers in Austin have invented a new child-portaging device called "The Freeloader":


(A mother carries her teenage child with "The Freeloader.)

The Freeloader, its creators say, combines characteristics of both lightweight child carriers intended for short-term usage and sturdier models designed for hiking and other rugged activities. It can hold children 80 pounds and under.

“We wanted to make something different, that wasn’t on the market,” Jansen said. “We’re pretty passionate about it.”

80 pounds is a lot of child.  In fact, some adults don't weigh much more than that, and famous Austinite Lance Armstrong has reportedly been spotted around town "portaging" a strung-out Olsen twin in this revolutionary new device:


It's tempting to say that a child this age could also avoid fatigue by riding a bike or a scooter.  However, it's important to remember that this is America, where two things are true:

1) Thanks to restaurants like Dunkin' Donuts, the average American child weighs 80 pounds by the age of 16 months;

and

2) Our streets are incredibly dangerous.  Therefore, it's necessary to keep children in a state of womblike protection until they reach driving age, at which point we transfer them behind the wheel of a car.  Ideally, until that day comes, they've taken less than 100 steps on terra firma--or, better yet, they've bypassed the walking phase entirely.

Yes, ironically, being sedentary actually increases your odds of survival in America, which is why we're evolving to find "out of shape" bodies appealing:



I saw her sitting at a bus stop. I was on my bike, I had pulled over to answer my phone and there she was sitting at the bus stop. Older than me but looking very young and sporting a short stylish doo, sorta like the supremes. It was her huge thighs that captured my attention and sparked in me a desire. She was wearing a short dress and decorative black leggings. I didn't think fast enough to come up with a good enough excuse to approach her so I continued on with my life and left hers uninterrupted. 

Another time on a two train a larger woman sat next to me. She wasn't pretty but I liked her face anyways and her out of shape body was appealing to me. As I struck up a conversation she seemed to enjoy the attention. There's been others like this but they don't answer Craigslist ads. I guess I just have to start taking chances and getting more forward. lol.


The future's so bright, I gotta wear leggings.

103 comments:

Blog flogger said...

I'll drink to that.

babble on said...

Monnnnnnday!!

Jasper said...

Early doors!

dcdouglas said...

third?

babble on said...

Erm... and good morning, snobbers et al.

agentdetroit said...

top ten, bitches!

Jasper said...

Below Babble this time - still not too shabby.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

ATE

Anonymous said...

pro cycling still around?

Italian hairdresser said...

Pippo looks much scrawnier from the front than from the back. Needs more donuts obviously

Anonymous said...

ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

babble on said...

First, I should be given dominion over the Vatican, THEN we can talk about arousal, integrity, and who gets to judge what.

Surprisingly, no-one invited me into that room with all the men in funny hats, but fortunately I already have a white dress and red shoes, so I'm ready to go when they send up my smoke signal. I expect it will look a lot like the bat signal, only instead of batwings, you'll see an ass in the saddle.

Anonymous said...

In.

mikeweb said...

Looks like recumbabe did pretty well at that race too.

JB said...

Those must be crabon swing ropes.

Anonymous said...

I think the freeloader was designed for the not-so-empty nesters: those adults that welcome their adult children home after going away to college majoring in anthropology.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Filippo Flop.

babble on said...

YES!! Cheers Mikeweb, for pointing out nipples.

mmm nipples...

Anonymous said...

LANCE!!!....where does our love go when I die?

tomt said...

Clearly the Vatican should be given dominion over the sport of pro cycling, since from an integrity standpoint it would be a seamless transition.

Maybe the funniest sentence in months without any of the usual snobbismo decorations -- idiosyncratic spelling, special words for obscure body parts, etc.

A veery adult sentence. After I first read it, I thought you had cut and pasted from a NY Times editorial.

Anonymous said...

Baby got backs.

Anonymous said...

Pozattoed to Top XX!!

Anonymous said...

Stieg Larsson had originally planned to write his Millennium Trilogy beginning with "The Man with the Nishikigoi Tattoo."

Gefilte Latke said...

Never kwit your karping!

Carp! Not Karp

Comment deleted said...

Stop me before I breathe again!

Some high quality idiocy coming out of Wash. state these days.

You do this deliberately! said...

Repairing bikes, sure but paring bikes, with what? A paring knife?
Where's Spencer?

Comment deleted said...

Hmm, that link seems to be "slashdotted" (Slashdot picked up this deliciously stupid story this morning).

Here's the lede:

Representative Ed Orcutt (R – Kalama) does not think bicycling is environmentally friendly because the activity causes cyclists to have “an increased heart rate and respiration.”

This is an attempt at justifying the much-discussed bicycle tax.

Neil said...

Is it called the "freeloader" because the artisinal father uses it to convince his partner to carry his brood??

crosspalms said...

Euro spondee? Nice.

Jerry said...

I made my own Freeloader from an old banana seat and a knapsack. It worked well, the wee one complained that he'd prefer to walk.

Anonymous said...

By big thighs, I thought he meant big, chisled and honed, thoroughly athletic bike riding thighs. The kind that look healthy from 75 meters.

I guess he just really meant big and fat.

yankees suck said...

dunkin' - is that a dig at Boston? btw - no one in around here actually eats their food - and we get iced coffee no matter what it's like outside. plus it's the only coffee shop that is conveniently located on both sides of the street and around both corners from Boston's sole bike shop: "gia's gear's."

mikeweb said...

Cd,

Just saw that today. Perhaps he's related to Robs Fords.

3G said...

@Neil That's exactly what I thought when looking at that picture. Sorry honey..."

I gotta put my hands in my pockets"

Frilly Chick said...

I'd tap that, don't care Snobbie. Looks like he's behind on his manscaping though. I can help with that.

sir mix-a-lot said...

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face

Anonymous said...

Those Chris King espresso tampons are taking cross-marketing too far.

Kenny Banya said...

She was sporting doo?

Gross

seageiv 2335

Tim Pagaard said...

A Washington State politician, Ed Orcutt, wants to tax cyclists because, he says, cyclists emit more carbon pollution than cars do:

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/03/03/washington-republican-riding-bicycles-causes-more-pollution-than-cars/

balls™ said...

I hate to say it, but I'd buy one of those CK tampers. Fact is, I run my espresso machine more often than I get on the bike. Sad, but true.

AYHSMB!

Filippo Pozzato said...

PODIUM!

wait, what?!


awww, crap.

Flyover bike commuter said...

That's not a child on the freeloader, it's a counterweight.

Or is the toddler a counterweight to the freeloader?

Or is the artisanal father the freeloader?

Anyway, all that urbane stuff gets confusing for us flyovers.

Flyover bike commuter said...

Babble = Chisled and honed thighs, or so I guess from the photos on her blog.

Anonymous said...

The Mrs. And I had a nice time in Madison this weekend. We had some 12 year old aged cheddar with a glass of Blanton's bourbon. She looked especially pretty in her pantsuit.
We had ourselves a bicycle bike ride around Lake Monona and watched some guys curling.
DB

John from London said...

Clearly the Vatican should be given dominion over the sport of pro cycling, since from an integrity standpoint it would be a seamless transition. - brilliant.

416eweedowe.

bikesgonewild said...

..."...the exciting sport of professional road bike racing..."...

...the "gary busey" of the sporting world...

...been "going off" in it's own nonsensical direction for years...

Plump Blumpkin said...

If I could only acquire a fondness for the New American Form,it'd be better'n a million dollars...
Gettin' shut down by fat chicks though will do damage to one's self esteem,alas.

Anonymous said...

Heritage is just about as meh as you can get. I brought my nine year old there for a sandwich one afternoon. First of all he food was just as bad as what you can find pre-packed at Starbucks, second I wouldn't let the mechanics touch anything more difficult than a fixie.

By the way isn't the reason, beyond extreme pretentiousness, to own a fixie is that they really don't need any maintenance? I'd love to bring in a full suspension mountain bike and watch the "mechanics" have an aneurism.

Anonymous said...

Bikes and coffee - growing trend? chris king - http://chrisking.com/store/coffee_water

grimpeur bros. - http://www.grimpeurbros.com

piermont bikes & gypsy donut - http://piermontbike.com/

I like this trend!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin world go round.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Get on your bikes and ride.

Anonymous said...

Some men like a woman with big bottom, plenty hips and can do it all night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7Rq_pbstxI

db said...

God help us if Chicago figures out to pair bikes and beer....

McFly said...

Carp tattoo's and tummies are an unexpected mash-up.

mikeweb said...

Yes, my new favored venue for my once or twice weekly 'hot chocolate' run is now Piermont Cycle + Gypsy Donut. My beverage pairing just this past Saturday was a scrumptious banana and a Clif bar that I'd brought along. Sometimes while in Piermont I also take the opportunity to urinate somewhere.

Frilly Chick said...

Yeah except if you're the Google police, rct!

edgeHam said...

Anon @ 12:05 is now brought to you in lowercase "where does our love go when I die?"

mikeweb said...

"Frilly's Bicycle Shop and Manscaping Parlor"

Now there's a 'callabo' who's time has come.




ssrulin?? The robot detector seems to want me to buy a single speed...

ge said...

Vatican takes over from UCI. Professional cycling goes from hopeless to popeless.

Lishodus 49

mikeweb said...

And congrats to Popestress babbles the 1st!

She's been on or near the podium since becoming our latest Pontifette.

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A cup of this, a cup of that said...

Gary Busey was in "Piranha 3DD" the 3DD being the size of the two Happy Meals they had to try and not choke on.

Adam H. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Skiptooth Lotus Eater said...

Nice picture of Pozzato. Carpe denim.

babble on said...

Cheers, Mikeweb! Just a lucky click of the mouse...

Google Police be damned, we love those sweet cheeks, sunshine...aaaaand, um... Frills? Please put big plate glass windows at the front of your bike shop cum manscaping parlour. Picture windows work both ways, dontcha know.

Adam H. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vatican PR Dept. said...

This just in for the Vatican, Babble elected in a manslide, Cipo to follow her hineyness around with smoke coming out of something, Vatican to take over cycling with sponsorship by Merck.

Adam H. said...

Fuck Heritage Bikes.

I took my bike to the shop to get a broken spoke replaced. Essentially, the mechanic not only broke two more spokes in the process, he also seated the tire improperly. $80 later, and my bike was more broken than when I came in. I had to take it to another shop down the street to get it fixed for real.

I complained to the owner, who refused to acknowledge the mistake, essentially called me a liar, and claimed that he "stands behind his mechanics 100%".

It astonishes me that these idiots are assembling bikes and selling them at high prices, when they can barely fix a flat.

Anonymous said...

Hey Adam yeah only an idiot can't fix his own flat. I know, right?

The Assman said...

BSNYC,
Can you hook a brother up with a hyperlink to the big-legged woman?

Where there's smoke, there is fire.

Where there's thigh, there is ass.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Frilly Chick said...

Admittedly, I have no idea how to manscape. Razor or wax? However, if anybody should get hurt, I promise to personally kiss the boo-boo.

Guess I could get some kiwi to practice on.

Anonymous said...

Hey Frilly it's just like when you do it but there is meat in your mouth. It's science.

Nyanman said...

My new business model: bikes made from iron plumbing and gas pipe, held together with the crew fittings.

I'll sell it as more durable than crabon and better for your health, given how much it will weigh. Plus, it's made from all-natural iron and manual labor by someone who hates people who fall for that stuff.

Frilly Chick said...

Hey Anon 3:27, I'm a vegetarian.

babble on said...

mmm tasty meat

Huh. You learn something new every day. I had no idea you had to eat it to manscape it...

mikeweb said...

Little known fact:

Cipo is actually a pescatarian.

Frilly Chick said...

I could totally see that mikeweb.

And y'know, I suppose if I were using a razor and were to accidentally "Bobbit" somebody. Then sure there would be a potential entree. Just sayin'.

crosspalms said...

mikeweb,
Don't tell me you believe in astrology.

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

In SF, Mojo cornered the pretentious bike/coffee combo several trend cycles ago.

Babble - what would your combo business be?

mikeweb said...

crosspalms,

Only when it comes to deciding when and where to do my manscaping.

babble on said...

hmmm... let me see now... I guess it would have to be the kind of business where you find me promoting the benefits of riding bikes and having tons of sex to make the world a better place...

natch

Oh wait. That's a blog, not a business...

maybe I need to come up with some kind of latex tech wear to facilitate the incorporating the two activities into one.

Not sure exactly how that would look, but it would be fun experimenting.

Dooth said...

Well, in lieu of "tons of sex", one could pursue sex with a ton--like the Craig's List Thunder Thighs Lover.

Anonymous said...

The Wonderful Nympho-Velo Experience....no matter how shriveled and uncooperative the unit from your ride our head mechanic can bring it back true and set it to proper tension with her special stroke wrench.

SUCK ITUP

DRTY GIRL

babble on said...

I do!! Every day... :D

Glen T said...

Tim Pagaard mentioned: "A Washington State politician, Ed Orcutt, wants to tax cyclists..."

Followed by letter of apology for his moment of insanity/recognition that hipsters vote too: http://i.imgur.com/xug2Jvu.jpg

wishiwasmerckx said...

Frilly, you start with a good set of clippers. You are probably better off with the ones designed to groom a dog. Razor or wax is too much to start off with.

This whole conversation reminds me of yet another humiliation: the time I went to see "Saving Private Ryan," but inadvertently ended up at "Shaving Ryan's Privates."

Never mind, it's a long story.

Frilly Chick said...

Ha ha Anon 4:57! Do I know you? Or better yet, do you know me?!?

utdamp--hmmm, seems appropriate.

the commentariat said...

Adam H, for goodness sake, you should know how to replace and re-tension a spoke without the assistance of a bike shop. Hell, I'll do it for you for only $79, and I stand behind my work.

crosspalms said...

adam h,
When the mechanic asked if you wanted whole milk or 2%, that should have been a tipoff.

etherhuffer said...

I am going to start Hermitage bikes, a collabo of bike shoppe and Russian museum. All the bikes will be broken or stolen and the museum won't have a coffee shoppe. Should be wildly successful.

Anonymous said...

Is the year "2525" here already?

McFly said...

Adam,
Does the "H." stand for helpless or handyman-dependant?

babble on said...

a hopeless
b handy-man dependent
c horny
d Oh help. All of the above. Good thing the man is so good with his hands.

Anonymous said...

question to you comment regulars - if you got a flat directly in front of a bike shop would you:

a) sit out in front on the sidewalk with your patch kit and then later replace the tube in your home garage - but use their pump they keep out as a courtesy
b) replace said tube with the extra tubes you carry around all the time - use your own mini pump
c) leave now completely worthless bike in the gutter
d) pay $10 and have some "bike mechanic" manhandle your baby for 10 minutes.

I'm guessing either a or b...

Twelchie - that's a winner right there said...

Well, if you must know, half a, half b. That's to anon.
My tube, their pump.
To Babble on, some a, mostly c.
Me horny.

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Yes, we know said...

No time to read the comments either, from the look of it.

leroy said...

Epstein pulls up in front of Miami's Fontainebleu Hotel and announces to the bell captain: "I vant three bell hops pleeze."

The bell captain responds "Absolutely, Mr. Epstein, right away sir."

Epstein explains: "The first bell hop should carry mine luggage."

"Absolutely, Mr. Epstein, right away sir."

"The second bell hop should carry mine vife's luggage."

"Absolutely, Mr. Epstein, right away sir."

"Unt the third bell hop should carry mine son."

"Oh I am so sorry, sir. I didn't realize the young man couldn't walk."

"Oh he can valk, but tanks Got, he doesn't haf to."

99...

Rammer said...

Hey Snob,
If you don't shop at Crate and Barrel now, you may want to start. Check out the letters on the wall in this picture...

http://www.crateandbarrel.com/Catalog/default.aspx?Catalog_name=7924_67937a23_f9c94b9b&display_name=Spring%20Inspiration

McFly said...

http://msnvideo.msn.com/?channelindex=2&from=en-us_msnhpvidmod&form=msnrll#/video/08553607-2e0f-4384-a47e-5be053e59aea


LOLZ

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised "You do this deliberately!" missed Mondays instead of "Monday's" I hate the recently overused apostrophe's by what seems like all of the world.

also, "Nobody? Yeah, me either."
shouldn't that be "me neither"?

I'm disappointed, "You do this deliberately!"

JB said...

I'm so slammed at work and working at home that I came here thinking I get an early morning free-bee (i.e., that it was Wednesdey AM and I could read Tuesdey's post that I missed). FML right now.