Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Get Smart: Knowing Your Nipple From Your Elbow

Firstly, yesterday I suggested that the pairing of bicycles and plumbing supplies into a single retail establishment would be an unusual one.  However, I should have pointed out I was talking about the Planet Earth and not You-Know-Where, where a reader tells me that bikes and plumbing go together like nipples and elbows:


Actually, I'm not a plumber so I'm not even sure nipples and elbows go together, but I'm pretty sure you can screw a nipple into an elbow.  And obviously I'm not talking about actual nipples and elbows, because it's pretty difficult to touch your nipple with your elbow, unless you're Peta Todd:


Speaking of pasties, some bike racer guy won the prologue of some race, and the director of some rival team is saying it was because of a sticker:



“Gaudin had a sticker on his helmet, which is in principle not allowed. It covered a vent” in the helmet, he said.

Let's have a closer look at that helment:


(The sponsorship crisis in pro cycling is clearly worse than I thought.)

I don't know if that's illegal, but it sure looks delicious.

In other helment news, a reader tells me that a Canadian university student has conducted a study on them:


The conclusion?  Crashing into cars while riding your bicycle is more dangerous than not wearing a helment:

The study found that the greatest injuries were caused by cyclists crashing into vehicles; the faster the vehicle, the greater the injury. The study also found that the lack of helmet use while biking was not as great a risk factor as were collisions.

You can't put one over on the Canadians.

I know what you're wondering now: "What if I put a bunch of stickers on my helment.  Will that help?"  No, it won't.  But what might help is more bike lanes:

Williamson points out that until now, researchers have been focused on helmet protection for children. “Maybe we need more designated bike lanes separated from the roads to ensure safety,” she says.

Though that's clearly an absurd notion, since every North American knows the best course of action is strapping on a helment and pretending to be a car.  (Short of actually driving a car, of course, which is what you really should be doing.)  Between that and paying the "largely symbolic" $25 bike tax in Washington (state) people are bound to respect us--even though we're polluting the atmosphere with our heavy breathing, as roughly twenty millionty billion people have informed me some morontard state representative thinks:


He does make a good point about the increased heart rate and respiration, which is why there should also be a "largely symbolic" $25 tax on pictures of Peta Todd:


Drivers, on the other hand, should not be taxed because they don't exhale carbon dioxide--assuming, of course, they're trees:


(It's very difficult for trees to find cars with sufficient headroom.)

Or assuming they're humans who equip their cars with onboard trees large enough to offset their vehicles' emissions:

Though all it takes is one glimpse of some cyclist's "muffin top" or "sideboob" to cause the driver to begin panting, thus upsetting this precarious balance:


By the way, it's well-known that the most significant source of greenhouse gases on America's roads is Amish motorpacing, thanks to the carbon dioxide emissions of both horse and cyclist:


Not to mention the inevitable equine flatulence from all those PowerBars.

You'd think at a certain point politicians would stop saying idiotic things about bikes.  You'd also think that at some point we'd experience a "Newtown moment" wherein we decide we're no longer going to accept the high death toll caused by cars--though that doesn't seem likely to happen, at least in New York.  If you were looking for a "Newtown moment" the last week would be as good as any, since first we had this:



But instead of demanding action from the NYPD and the DA, Stringer announced that he is sending a letter to Transportation Commissioner Janette Sadik-Khan. “This is a shot across the bow to the Department of Transportation to take meaningful action,” Stringer said.

It’s a strange tactic, given that DOT is expected to continue its implementation of protected bike lanes and pedestrian refuges in East Harlem this year — a project that was, for a time, obstructed by Stringer appointees to Community Board 11.

And then we had this:



The BMW’s owner, Takia Walker, 29, of the Bronx, was arrested on Sunday on charges of insurance fraud; she is accused of buying and registering the car under false pretenses. Mr. Hamilton said the woman and Mr. Acevedo did not know each other and that Mr. Acevedo had probably borrowed the car from a mutual friend.

Instead, I'm pretty confident that the city will continue to largely ignore matters like truckers who don't follow truck routes, speeders, and people who register their cars illegally, and instead they'll continue to focus on ticketing cyclists--at least until such time as they can finally remove all the damn bike lanes.

By the way, drivers love to blame bike lanes for inconveniences like traffic and lack of parking, though if you towed and impounded every car in New York City that's illegally registered out of state you'd probably reduce the amount of traffic congestion in the city by 40%.  If you're a New York City cyclist you may have noticed that half the cars that try to run you over have Pennsylvania plates and big "Brooklyn" decals on the rear windshield to let you know that they're not really from there, and it's twice as insulting to think that they shouldn't even be on the road in the first place.

Sadly the idea of treating vehicles proportionately to the amount of harm they're capable of causing makes about as much sense to the typical American as an LSD trip:



I mentioned this project some time ago, but apparently the filmmakers have "retooled," by which of course I mean they've taken more acid.

He really should be wearing an appropriate helment:



89 comments:

Anonymous said...

Podium

Frilly Chick said...

Podio?

agentdetroit said...

top ten, bitches!

babble on said...

mmm nipples

agentdetroit said...

i meant podium! bitches!

babble on said...

Yer rockin' it today, Frilly Sweet Cheeks!

McFly said...

Isn't Kathy Ireland selling windows now?

Anonymous said...

Top ten!
Scranus!

Anonymous said...

Made it past the robo filter

babble on said...

Morontard!! What a great word!! I love you, Snob.

And thanks for Peta. Yum.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Go frills!

babble on said...

Nipples and elbows, nipples and elbows... you can have lobe sex with your elbow, but a nipple is just too small.

THAT's how you tell the difference.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Helment tripping.

t said...

weed1st!

theEel said...

ummmm. weed1st!

babble on said...

Just Joking! Ghost writing that's beyond the grave...

Anonymous said...

Chamois sniff

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

SIDE BOOB

Anonymous said...

The 2nd Peta Todd Porn is nice and all but the first one makes me think she is just itchin' for a boob-facial.

Not to be confused with a face-facial.

The former is way more romantic.

Plus you're more likely to do a lil kissin' afterward.
Babble, Frilly..am I right or am I right?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

i was in a cab with my boss today who was ranting about how much he hates cyclists and all these bike lanes bloomberg has created.

dude doesn't even drive in the city.

as long as the majority of people in the skid-mark of canada's panties think like there, there's very little hope for the rest of us.

balls
nipple and elbows

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...think like THIS... not there

babble on said...

Dunno what a boob facial is, but anything that leads to kissing is a good thing.

Anonymous said...

Where'd you get that photo of 12 year old Floyd Landis doin' the buggy draft?

McFly said...

Peta Todd, the hot Canadian journalist Laura Herperger and Kathy Ireland.

That, my friend, is a Trifecta Tuesday.

Anonymous said...

Peta....oh wait, that was Kathy Ireland?

Top XXX

Frilly Chick said...

boob facial--fun for all!

Kissing before, during, after, whenever.

Frilly Chick said...

and wherever.

Jimboner said...

Peta´s horizontal compliance makes me laterally stiff.

Anonymous said...

Babble you need to IM Frilly so you know what time it is. Sounds like she does.

Anonymous said...

A from a pure "Size of Breast" perspective it makes perfect sense that she would be hip and you would be confused.

Anonymous said...

That's why you're my number one man crush, snobbie!

le Correcteur said...

31; and I read Mondays, Monday's comments, and then Tuesdays!

le Correcteur said...

I typed too slowly; 32, and then (I hope) 33 too!

3G said...

MORE ACID
PETA TODDS TITS ARE FABULOUS

grog said...

Who's got my nipple wrench?
Babe?

babble on said...

I am perpetually confused, and Frilly is forever hip, so that doesn't help, but thanks for pointing it out anyway.

Anonymous said...

Dear Lance....thinking about ya!!!!!!!

miss you/kiss you

Flyover Bike commuter said...

Looks like the Long Slow Documentary (LSD) was filmed in my neck of the desert, mountains, and along my daily commute.

For all you coastal folks who like the looks of the scenery and riding opportunities, I can assure it's all fake. It was computer generated, except for the stupid look on the rider's face, that was real.

So please stay where you are, the riding's not all that good around here. You wouldn't like it.

Flyover bike commuter said...

Peta's hot, but she needs to do some biking and tone-up those skinny thighs.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

What plumbing discussion would be complete without mention of the ubiquitous ball cock. Or any discussion involving babs and Frilly for that matter.

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Frilly Chick said...

Babbs--you flatter me. Seriously! I was just as confused by that comment as you. What time is it? I don't get it. Time for Tirreno-Adriatico, CST, daylight savings time?

*shrugs shoulders*

Focus said...

I would be willing to go way, no, to hang my ass way out on a limb here and declare that motor vehicles crashing into bicycles is an even greater threat to cyclists than bicycles crashing into cars.

Language is important, see Gingrich Go-Pac memo from 94.

But hey, I'm no academic.

Frilly Chick said...

Thanks for comparing me to a toilet component, rct! Now that's real flattery for ya.

babble on said...

LOL!! too funny. But you have to admit, ballcock has a lovely ring to it.

Buffalo Bill said...

It's not too often my humble hometown gets a mention from the snob, not surprising since we are overrun with douchebags driving pickup trucks.

More Peta Todd please.

balls™ said...

Sweating pipe?

Jonathan Gordon said...

I'm not sure what facilities blogger provides for posting videos, but the frame width is off for that LSD video (and many others in the past) which means that viewers can a) only see a portion of the video (rightmost portion is cropped) and b) don't have access to the video options, like full screen, because they're out of frame.

babble on said...

Hey heeeey! There's a bike seat wanker making the Danish news

You've got to give him points for creativity.

Anonymous said...

I was wondering about that sticker helm thing. Thought it was a advertisement for another Spinal Tap album.

Also, Little Caesar's sucketh but hard to find a TT helm with pizza in general.

Anonymous said...

Is this a "Jean Brodie" moment?

crosspalms said...

Babble,
I think they only ran that story so they could call the guy "the anonymous onanist."

babble on said...

and who can blame them?

crosspalms said...

absolutely

Anonymous said...

I rest easy knowing that Mark and Peta's child is well nourished

babble on said...

lucky baby

mikeweb said...

Congrats babble and Frills!

So after reading the post for a bit, I discovered something that was going to require me to go get some paper towels. Then I read some more and scrolled down and found that I was going to need to go get some more paper towels.

Just explaining why I'm late to the party here.

PETA TITZ

babble on said...

Cheers!

I don't blame you! And hey, at least you wiped up with towels, and didn't leave it on some random bike seat...

Anonymous said...

Back in the day, guys that sniffed bike seats were considered perverts, at least here in the US of A.

I guess they have different standardd in the low countries, the Netherlands I mean.

crosspalms said...

I've taken my netherlands to Denmark, but I've never taken my netherlands to the Netherlands. Looking forward to it, though.

Anonymous said...

Snob,

I miss when you would blog about just riding your damn bike around Brooklyn and Manhattan, taking pictures of all the goofy sights and encounters you'd find along the way...

Can we do more of that, plz?

thxu :-*

Yarpo said...

Podio Spot for Frilly!! Adding to her Palmares; well done.

More Side Boob, with VN (Visible Nipple) please. Pleeeeeeeeeez?

Lots of shoaling at red lights during the morning commute. Ended up Cat 6-ing a lot of dingbats. Screamed, "On Yer LEFT!" which seemed to anger most of them.
Oh well, still a fun ride.

Logan The Huge said...

The greatest risk to cyclists are hot females who are in sight of the cyclist (or car driver). They have caused almost all of my crashes.

Anonymous said...

LOVE HNDL

mikeweb said...

Logan,

Same here. The only fender bender I've been in that was my fault was a result of that phenomenon. No side boob involvement though, more of something that the Assman would understand.

babble on said...

Aaaaaaand in other news, the Federal Aviation Administration is currently investigating sightings of a drone plane flying over NYC today.

Yer government loves you.

bikesgonewild said...

...guys, we're predisposed idiots...we're programmed with a bias that overides caution simply to scope out a great ass, shapely legs, nice pair of breasts or simply a pretty face...

...i'm guilty of having driven, as the 5th car into an already existing 4 car accident because i glanced over at a hot babe simply walking on a bike path...

..."...hi, babe...i'm bgw & i'm a bigger fool than all these other clowns 'cuz i'm not smart enough to avoid them whilst admiring your pulchritude...
...you look awesome, btw...wanna sign my accident report ???"
...

babble on said...

Don't feel bad, guys... my head turns at beautiful specimens of either sex!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Well, BGW, if you're busting out pulchritude, I will counter with pusillanimous.

What , are we studying for the SAT's?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Cy Vance is the Manhattan DA?

Jimmy Carter's Secretary of State?

Isn't he like 102 by now?

bikesgonewild said...

...wishiwasmerckx...

...nahhh...just sounded better n' "...nice tits !!!..."...

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bikesgonewild said...

...although maybe "...spectacular resplendency, hot stuff...nice elbows..." might work...

Skiptooth Lotus Eater said...

On my commute one day a girl stopped me and asked if she could smell my Brooks... What a strange need for one to be saddled with.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Skiptooth, last time I read something like that, It was preceded by "Dear Penthouse letters..."

Anonymous said...

Kathy Ireland!

Yarpo said...

BGW, WIWM, I would describe you both as perspicacious. It also serves the purpose of keeping the letter, "P" thing going...

Just diciendo, man.

13 anysiss....makes my anal regions itch and not in any good way.

Anonymous said...

@Dennis,

It's worse than that, even. Look at the federal government, that's too cowardly to raise the gas tax to a) discourage driving, which would be good for everyone involved, or even b) pay for maintaining our road infrastructure as it is. So they start going after red herrings, like taxing cyclists. Pathetic.

bikesgonewild said...

...yarpo...words is fun...

bikesgonewild said...

...sólo digo, hombre...

Paul Bowen said...

Dennis @ 1.48: the position in the UK is very similar, with drivers often saying that cyclists "don't pay road tax" and are thus less entitled than motor vehicle drivers to be on the roads that drivers "pay for", which sense of entitlement was predicted by Winston Churchill "It will be only a step from this [road tax] for them to claim in a few years the moral ownership of the roads their contributions have created". This was part of a campaign to abolish road tax which ended with abolition in 1937. Nowadays we have vehicle excise duty which is based on vehicle emissions and is part of general taxation rather than being a 'road fund'. Despite this, and the fact that road tax never amounted to enough to build and maintain roads even when it existed as a road fund, and that non-drivers in fact subsidise drivers, the idea that roads are paid for by drivers persists.

Anonymous said...

Thanks alot. Peta Todd made me open my Spank Account for the season.

Back in the olden times it was a task sometimes to find something to crank down with....now all you need is a blogular.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Did you notice that Kathy Ireland's Schwinn has the brake levers setup British style?

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