Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Wednesday.

Hi!  Still on the fence about whether or not to take up the pastime of bicycle cycling?  Considering buying a Segway instead?  Well here are no fewer/less than 30 [thurtee] reasons to help you make up your mind:


I thought all of these were pretty persuasive, but perhaps the most MOVING (get it?!?) is that it will help you make #2 (number two):

4. Boost your bowels

According to experts from Bristol University, the benefits of cycling extend deep into your core. “Physical activity helps decrease the time it takes food to move through the large intestine, limiting the amount of water absorbed back into your body and leaving you with softer stools, which are easier to pass,” explains Harley Street gastroenterologist Dr Ana Raimundo.

In addition, aerobic exercise accelerates your breathing and heart rate, which helps to stimulate the contraction of intestinal muscles. “As well as preventing you from feeling bloated, this helps protect you against bowel cancer,” Dr Raimundo says.

If the Nobel Prize committee is worth a darn they'll recognize Harley Street gastroenterologist Dr. Ana Raimundo for her tireless research, which apparently involved making people ride bikes a bunch and then sit on the toilet.

I'm not sure I agree with the "preventing you from feeling bloated" part though, since apparently Dr. Raimundo has never experienced the stomach-distending effects of consuming Clif Bars and gels.

Here's another great reason to ride the bicycle bikes:

20. Make creative breakthroughs

Writers, musicians, artists, top executives and all kinds of other professionals use exercise to solve mental blocks and make decisions – including Jeremy Paxman, Sir Alan Sugar and Spandau Ballet. A study found that just 25 minutes of aerobic exercise boosts at least one measure of creative thinking. Credit goes to the flow of oxygen to your grey matter when it matters most, sparking your neurons and giving you breathing space away from the muddle and pressures of ‘real life’.

Wow, that's quite a list of creative people they've assembled.  Apparently Jeremy Paxman is "the question master of University Challenge," which is only meaningful to Americans who have that "Young Ones" episode with Motörhead, and which I suppose makes him the British Alex Trebek.  (It's worth noting that Alex Trebek is Canadian, which means there isn't actually an American Alex Trebek, because few if any Americans possess the necessary intellectual gravitas to host a game show that doesn't involve 5th graders or running really fast with shopping carts.  The only reason the United States still allows Canada to exist is that we need a steady supply of smart people.)  As for Sir Alan Sugar, I had to look him up too, and he's basically the London version of your typical ridiculously wealthy self-made Jew, which is old hat if you're a New Yorker.  Most impressive though is Spandau Ballet, and I'm assuming since they're mentioned collectively that the band always rides in toto.  The blistering speed of the Spandau Ballet paceline is legendary, and the "Huh-huh-huh-huuuh-huuuh..." from their international mega-hit "True" was inspired by a sigh emitted at the top of an "epic" climb.

Sadly, the list omits several notable personages who also experienced moments of world-changing inspiration as a direct result of sticking a bicycle in their crotches, including:

Albert Einstein


(Came up with the theory of relativity while trackstanding.)



Albert Hofmann





George W. Bush


(Realized after leaving office that he totally would have cleared that 'War on Terror' section on a 29er.)

Sadly, if Albert Einstein were still with us today, everybody would give him a bunch of crap for not wearing a helment, which would have inspired this theorum:


Speaking of lists, in the past week there have been at least two motor vehicle-related incidents in New York City that are so depressing I can't even bring myself to link to them.  The short version is that in one instance someone got killed on the sidewalk by a driver who supposedly passed out due to diabetes, and in another someone got maimed on the sidewalk by a parallel parker who supposedly mistook the gas pedal for the brake.

It should go without saying that both of these are perfectly valid excuses in New York, and the only reason the parallel parker is in any trouble at all is that he proceeded to flee the scene.  (You also don't get in trouble for fleeing the scene in New York, but only if the person you ran down was riding a bike.)  Still, it never hurts to have a few more excuses at the ready, so here's a list fresh new excuses so you can renew your licence to kill:

"I suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder."

Don't worry, it's not necessary to be a war veteran to use this one.  Thanks to the fact that we live in a psychotic country with a crumbling infrastructure pretty much everybody has valid reason to be a post-traumatic stress disorder sufferer.  Show me an American who hasn't been in close proximity to a school shooting, crippling natural disaster, or horrendous auto "accident" in recent months and I'll show you a Dutchman.  And don't be afraid to rule out your own poor decision-making as a reason for your stress!  So you hopped on the LIE during a monster snowstorm and were forced to spend the night in your car?    There's your PTSD!

"I was lulled into a trancelike state by the rhythmic thrumming of my windshield wipers."

Shifting blame onto the auto maker is always a wise move, but what if you don't own a Toyota?  Well, I don't know about you, but I think equipping cars with metronomic windshield wipers is grossly irresponsible, and as far as I know all automakers do it.  There you are waiting at a light, and the next thing you know the back-and-forth, back-and-forth coupled with the grey weather has transported you into a reverie and suddenly there's a cyclist under your front bumper.  This excuse will be valid at least until the automakers start installing new "alert wipers" that sound like an Elvin Jones drum solo.

"Siri is a fucking idiot."

Thanks to draconian laws that prohibit you from using your smartphone while driving, you may find yourself forced to use hands-free technology.  If you have an iPhone this might include using Siri, which will inevitably play out thusly:

You: "Siri, I need directions to Hackensack."

Siri: "You said 'I have a hairy sack.'"

You: "No.  Siri, I need to get to Hackensack."

Siri: "Got it.  Looking up instructions for shaving your sack."

And so on. Not only is this a great excuse for running people over, but you also have grounds for a lucrative suit against Apple--especially if you also emasculate yourself in a tragic shaving accident.

In other news, yesterday I mentioned crabon, and that could be the reason I received this email from some PR firm about a flask for douchebags:

The Macallan, the luxury whisky brand, is launching a limited edition flask as part of a unique design collaboration with Oakley on the 27th February. Made of Carbon Fibre, the Flask is almost indestructible and with only 500 available it is sure to become a collectors item.


Please note all information is under embargo until 00.01am 27th February and the video will not be live in the public domain until 2pm tomorrow. Let me know if you would like any further information or hi-res images.

Yeah, right, "collectors item" my scranus--though this should go great with your Tapout sweatshirt.  It also makes a great groomsman's gift if you're having a Fred wedding, in which case you're also going to want a crabon wedding ring, forwarded by a reader:


When I think of two bike dorks being bound in Fredly matrimony and exchanging crabon fiber rings I actually tear up a bit, but only because it's so depressing.  Hopefully they can keep the passion alive--which, as it happens, is the only thing keeping Italian bike racing going:

Presumably this means the riders are being paid in passion, and Italy should have plenty to go around as long as it is being secreted by the gallon by this man:


Speaking of passion, here's another one of those dirty bike maintenance videos:


BITCHY TUTORIAL VOL.3 "SADDLE UP" from GASH-ROUGE on Vimeo.

Remember to use plenty of lube, or else it can get stuck in there.

111 comments:

Frilly Chick said...

Podio!

theEel said...

weed!!!

Philip Williamson said...

Weed. CAPTCHA

mikeweb said...

Frilllllllly!!!

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE TOP 5.

Anonymous said...

Tenish, GO FRILLY!!!

crosspalms said...

pandemonium!
I mean, mandepodium!

3G said...

Whoziewhatsit?

RANTWICK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Comment deleted said...

Yay, Frilly!

Thank you, Snob, for this week's installment of "Useless Bicycle Quasi-Maintenance Performed by Skinny Girls in Ill-Fitting Clothes."

They're going to run out of penis-shaped things to grease pretty soon.

RANTWICK said...

The only reason the United States still allows Canada to exist is that we need a steady supply of smart people

I am a Canadian, but I am not exportable as a smart person. Thank god for the smart ones... I like my country.

Here is proof that I am stupid. Or os it weird? Probably both.

Comment deleted said...

Ooh, "A" for effort on the link, Rantwick. A closing quote and you're golden.

Buffalo Bill said...

Snob, I think you forgot to mention skiers in yesterdays list of weenies buying crabon.

cordscin 81

Comment deleted said...

Hey, how'd you do that? Edit your post, I mean?

Anonymous said...

I'm on top of Babble. Finally.

Fritz said...

Step backkk... Step back to

Hackensack

Anonymous said...

hypnotic wipers:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRYJ-TMoaqA

Comment deleted said...

Ranty,

If you do WiiFit, and lose weight, your Mii loses its potbelly.

If that's not incentive, I don't know what is.

(I still want to know how you edited your post!)

JB said...

Congrats Frilly!

babble on said...

Congratulations Frilly! Kisses from Vancouver!

g. said...

Frilly FTW!!

CRAP FAST

I think if the Post-greaser would stop wearing that dumb fucking hat, I would like those videos a whole lot more.

crosspalms said...

When I cut my shorts that short, I usually cut off the pockets, too, since I wear them so tight it's impossible to put anything in the pockets anyway. Maybe a jean-shearing video is in order, though I'm not sure how they'll work the lube in.

Go Frilly!

cav said...

knackered out

g. said...

Crosspalms,
When I cut holes in my pants pockets,
I can create my own "lube".

Daniel E. Weiss said...

Elvin Jones mention!!!

Son, I am so proud of you!

bikesgonewild said...

...props to the tops...frilly takes the win...

...flowers n' champagne...

moochie said...

it's bush's fault

another excuse for your license to kill renewal.

ken e. said...

yay frilly & bitchy!

8615 cheesea!!!

mikeweb said...

Wow, was that really Papa Snob chiming in?

bikesgonewild said...

..."... the only reason the United States still allows Canada to exist is that we need a steady supply of smart people..."...

...well now...don't i feel like the fly in THAT ointment...

McFly said...

Show me a nice Mexican eatery and I will show you a Dutch oven.

McFly said...

Also, I am really impressed with George W.'s seat placement. I figured him for a Nose-Dive Position Man.

Anonymous said...

Douche is not quite strong enough for the type of person that would buy that flask. I will never understand how people who have that kind of money to spend can be that stupid.

mikeweb said...

Just checked out the top 30 list.

I can personally vouch for reason #9. Hunnee bunnee knows it.

babble on said...

No shit? You need a bike.

Got shit to do? You need a bike.

Full of shit? You need a crabon bike.

bikesgonewild said...

...ummm...#31 of 30...

...it's fun to ride a bike...

...hate to be so obvious but just sayin'...

gimlit said...

That's why I don't understand why Snob is so focused on praying to Lob. God help those in foxholes and sidewalks. NYC should hire cycling priests to walk around giving last rites to everyone. Don't touch the hiney though sir.

Anonymous said...

As an Apple product user and default follower of the Jobsian mystique, I can assure you Siri knows my nuts are already shorn.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Wow!

Anonymous said...

9. Improve your sex life

Being more physically active improves your vaginal health, which has the knockers effect of boosting your sex drive, according to booty experts in the US. One study from Cornell University also concluded that male porn stars have the sexual prowess of teenage boys two to five years younger, with physically stacked females delaying the 50+ crazies by a similar amount of time.

Anonymous said...

"The only reason the United States still allows Canada to exist is that we need a steady supply of smart people" Seriously Wildcat? Have you been to Canada?

Anonymous said...

Grease it! fuck yeah, grease it.

April 19th is just around the corner.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"Her hair is blocking the plug hole again."

-Those funny Brits.

Anonymous said...

31. to have an excuse to spend time away from your partner

32. to have a reasonable excuse as to why, as a man, you shave your legs

33. a good excuse to drink beer at 11AM (as if you need one)

34. to get chicks (not really)

35. spending your money on crap you don't need

36. Make Mike Sinyard mega wealthy

37. something else to be smug about

38. to annoy cabbies and fuck with hapless pedestrians

the list goes on.

Frilly Chick said...

Thanks everybody!

#30 except if your partner is a roadie.

And Anon 2:21, yeah I can vouch for #36.

Jimboner said...

Bunny hopped a Jararaca on the way home from work today.

wle said...

i want valentina
not this #3 lady
though she MAY also be italiana

wle

Anonymous said...

At 1:04 in the video they spell loosen as 'losen', really ruins the whole thing.

Comment deleted said...

Jimboner, I looked that up, and was appalled.

You are somewhat badass, in my estimation.


nopprod 1312

Anonymous said...

I kinda like the skinny girl in ill fitting clothes look, but...

When removing a saddle, avoid twisting it around to prevent wavy scratches on the seat post. Also, I prefer Phil Wood green grease to whatever peanut butterish gunk she was slathering on there. And don't wipe down the saddle with the same grease stained rag you used to wipe off the seatpost and your hands.

Freaking amateur.

And loose the dumb hat.



bikesgonewild said...

...@ anon 2:35pm...gee, somhow i didn't notice that (imagine that) & now that you've made me aware of it, gee, somehow i just still don't really care...

...stems n' seatposts, lightly greased & inserted...nice...

McFly said...

Green Grease? Primrose ArmorPlate 327...the greatest grease known to mankind.

If there is one thing I know, it's lubricants.

P. Bateman said...

anyone else work from home that is listening to this arias trial live? it's some seriously kinky shit. pairs well with the illfitting clothes bicycle repair gal.

http://wildabouttrial.com/videos/jodi-arias-live-stream.html

Joe Cocker said...

You can leave your hat on.

299e said...

Let me just say this at this time if I may, please. Having said that, at this point-in-time I have no further comment.

bikesgonewild said...

...right on, joe cocker...(randy newman wrote it but you did the great cover...)...

...& babble, if she was so inclined, could leave her helmet on...

...just suggestin'...

bikesgonewild said...

...jimboner...nasty...looks lethal...

...i've had a few encounters out here with rattlesnakes whilst riding but they hear (feel) you coming & make it real obvious before you get too close...

299e said...

Oh, and one more thing. Having myself recently lost a loved one to a tragic gardening accident, I find your crass reference to the band IN TOTO to be in desperately poor taste. Good day Sir!

babble on said...

I'm ok with ditching the helmet once in a while, as long as I still have my five inch heels.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Truuuuue!

Anonymous said...

Hey McFly

So who makes Phil Wood?


torsslo: What happens when Mr Hushovd forgets his EPO?

McFly said...

I suppose his wife, or maybe his girlfriend. Or both.

Hey Wildcat today's title was the stuff of pure genius. Just crazy enough to work as they say.

Me Again said...

It's probably the same thing, which is uber-awesome.

Anonymous said...

Lagging back of the back, not feelin' it, props to the podium winners. Bitchy videos, meh

Anonymous said...

These Bristolonians ought to know a good deal about bowel movements and shit.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_stool_scale

MAGgoT

Dr. Feelgood said...

Bambi.

bikesgonewild said...

...now that, my friend, is something i could live with...

...hmmm...why does the song 'popsicle toes' (popcycle toes ???) keep playing in my mind ???...

Anonymous said...

Tilford's down in the dumps.

leroy said...

Well shucks, Harley Street gastroenterologist Dr. Ana Raimundo's findings are hardly news.

Cyclists' prodigious abilities in this area are so well known that complete strangers regard us as nothing more than assholes.

And frankly, I can't think of a better excuse than excessive productivity for not getting one's shit together.

(Toilet humor. The classics never go out of style.)

babble on said...

"I want to feel your warm Brazil and touch your Panama...?"

That popsicle toes?

Anonymous said...

Mi piace guardare il mio servizio donna della mia moto! Fa il lavoro come nessun altro! Tutti voi nemici può portare la bicicletta al negozio di bici. viva la mia donna!

babble on said...

So THAT's why they hate us, is it? Thanks for clearing that up for me, Leroy...

babble on said...

Anon @ 4:02 - I like to watch hot women doing pretty much anything, servicing my bike included.

FYI - it's haters, not enemies.

as in AYHLMPC

Anonymous said...

I thought the caption in that video said "lose the seatpost nut," which is what I do all the time.

Comment deleted said...

Yeah, but your Tierra Del Fuego is almost always froze.

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised more articles aren't written about the science of taking the biggest dump possible before the meh pistol fires for this week's Fredchariot ride.

Personally, I find a good swig of Diet Coke first thing in the morning moves things right along.

(No joke: 3033upinit)

Anonymous said...

Popsicle Toes. Michael Franks.
Great lyrics. I hear from my ex on the back of my checks.
Congrats on the podium Frilly.
DB

The King of Park Slope said...

That seat post was clearly not lubed long enough.

babble on said...

Diet coke is YUCK... aspartame is a killer.

weed works well, though :)

Spokey said...

babs:

hush you miscreant misanthrope.

Diet Coke is very yum especially with rum.

Have it all the time and I ain't no dumber now than I was when I hit say 60. Either that or it dissolves the best part of my brain soes I don't know it.

Dennis Hopper said...

Don't forget to put food on the Hoppers table.

Anonymous said...

more pussy, less seatpost.

Anonymous said...

(Realized after leaving office that he totally would have cleared that 'War on Terror' section on a 29er.)

It's totally time for the media to rehash that pic of Lance and W. biking together in the merriment of Texas, to be used in the current context of who is the biggest asshole and/or liar and/or scourge of humankind

bikesgonewild said...

...written & originally performed by michael franks & covered (the song, not the toes) by diana krall, manhattan transfer, jazz crusaders, andreea miclici & a friend suggested that stan getz also had a version...

...so, yep, "that" popsicle toes...

Spokey said...

Anonymous @ 4:56 PM

Never heard that Ob'liar rode bikes. I think he just goes skank shootin'

babble on said...

Spokey - yes, rum is good, and rum and coke is yummy, too, but aspartame is a killer.

babble on said...

ps -
Misanthrope? Really?

I can see how you might come to that conclusion, but for the record....I do NOT hate humanity. I hate what we do to one another, but I am a lover, not a hater.... :D

Spokey said...

sorry babs

petulant fingers here. Of course meant Ms. Anthrope.

bikesgonewild said...

...no harsh rebuke here, spokey but that still doesn't register...

...chick is a major humanitarian well beyond her delightfully salacious scribblings...

...not even trying to defend her but ya, that just doesn't make sense...

Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spokey said...

hmm got to watch those brackets on dis webbly thing.

bgw

what? you've got something against alliterations? it was the only thing that came to mind to go with miscreant.

I stand (or perhaps sit & sip) by my rum and diet coke<hic>. actually sounds like babble would approve<hic>

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bikesgonewild said...

...no harm, no foul (fowl ???) spokey...

...i play with literation as well as alliteration all the time...

...i was told long ago to mind my p's n' q's so i do just that...

...& despite the calories, yer rum & coke is better if it's made with 'coca cola - the real thing' instead of the fake diet shit...

...in experiments, mice that were fed the fake shit all took up smoking, hanging out in sleazy bars & they never called their moms on mothers day...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

LUBE POST

Wasn't gonna post this, but with a capcha of "rfpubia 512", how could I pass that up?

Euro Spondee said...

Snob, I think you might get on quite well with Jeremy Paxman, since he is well known for his skewering of pretentious people and obnoxious politicians on the telly - though he is not as suave as that nice Jon Snow from the Channel 4 News who has been riding his bike everywhere for years.
And yeah, Alan Sugar is indeed a barrow boy made good.

Elvin Jones drum solo - top stuff.

bikesgonewild said...

..u-tube elvin jones...

...blow your mind...

...g'head...you'll see...

Frilly Chick said...

Thanks DB! Sorry had to smirk at the I hear from my ex on the back of my checks comment. Tragically funny.

babble on said...

Ah fuck, it's happened. I'm one of THOSE PEOPLE...

you know

a drinker with a writing problem.

They do go well together, it's true, but I prefer miscreant Ms Anthropologie, thank you kindly.

402 Laytime

heh heh

ge said...

I hesitate to leave a comment as there are already too many fucking Canadians in the comments section of a NYC blog. WTF? But that George Bush quote was funnier than fuck. Mind you, it would be tragic if true. What if 9ers could have ended the war? Dude. You're blowing my mind. Why do you gotta put these things out there on Wednesday. You're just fucking with us now.

PS - so, like, I'm still in Canada. Why won't you let me in? I'm smart! Really, I am. Even my mom thinks so.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Paul Bowen said...

Anyone else remember 80s supposed phenomenon sudden acceleration syndrome (SAS) where cars would suddenly leap forward, often killing people who happened to be in front of them? Audis were particularly prone - particularly prone to belonging to idiot drivers who mistook the accelerator for the brake,as it turned out.

Cipo said...

Those Crabon Fibre Cock Depth Rings are reeeaaaal nice when you are breaking the girl.

Keeps me from having to "throttle back".

Babble laughs and throws them in the trash.

Frilly giggles and whispers, "Ok...take another one off."

Anonymous said...

BURY MEAT

NUTZ DEEP

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babble on said...

Yuppers... nutz deep any place you prefer. Except the ears, of course, unless you have a monster member. Lob knows you shouldn't stick anything smaller than your elbow in your lobe.

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EARPIECES!!! EARPIECES!!!! EARPIECES!!!

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