Monday, February 4, 2013

Let Me See Your Bake Feets Real Quick.

Firstly, by way of warning, I should let you know that this is going to be a short week.

Actually, that's not true.  This week is going to be the same length as every other week since we started using the Gregorian calendar.  It's just that I won't be blogging during all of it, because I have to go to San Francisky in a couple of days to make a promotional video for my next book--which I only mention because I need to borrow a bakefiets:


(Bakefeets)

Seriously, I really do need to borrow a bakfiets for the video, so if you're in or near San Francisco and you have one you'd be willing to lend later this week let me know.  You can email me at "bikesnobnyc (at) yahoo (dot) com" with the subject line "BORROW MY FEETS."  I promise to make it worth your while somehow.  (Or, at the very least, I promise not to go pee-pee in it.)  And don't give me any attitude either, because all I'm doing is asking for something THIS ONE TIME, okay?  So like I don't see what the big deal is.  I hate you.  I hate you all!  I wish I was dead!!!  [Slams bedroom door, cranks up the Nine Inch Nails, and...scene.]

Speaking of stuff that hails from the Low Countries, how awesome was that Elite Cyclocross World Championships in Louisville this past weekend?


(Sven Nys with somebody, via a reader.)

No, seriously, I'm actually asking how awesome it was, because I didn't go.  Was it awesomely awesome?  Was it kind of awesome?  Was it middlingly awesome?  Was it decidedly un-awesome?  Also, my understanding is that the entire venue was underwater the next day, and that that all the Low Country competitors came back to point and laugh at our country's pathetic lack of effective levies and dikes.


I have no idea who he is or where he's from, but let's just assume he's Dutch.

Anyway, while dozens of people were enjoying the cycling cross this weekend, I was engaged in the pursuit of mountain bike bicycle cycling.  Here's a picture of the bicycle I was using so I can write it off on my taxes:


(This just became a business expense.)

Just kidding, I don't pay taxes.  No, this is the Internet, so the reason I put it there is so that people can tell me what's wrong with it and feel like they know about bikes.  Also, it's an excuse to talk about ruts:


(A rut.)

Here in New York, we had that thing where it was really cold, then it got warm and wet, and then it got really cold again.  This past weekend it was really cold, which meant that the trails were nice and firm, like a pair of synthetic breasts.  (I used to have synthetic breasts but I had them removed.)  Unfortunately, it seems as though a lot of people decided to ride during the warm and wet period (yeah, I just typed "warm and wet period," so what?), which resulted in a lot of this:


(Frozen ruts.)

I'm not sure why it's so hard for people to wait for the trails to freeze back up before riding again.  I suppose some people just don't like to ride when it's cold.  These same people also think the act of mountain bike bicycle cycling has to involve mud or else it's not "epic."  Then, when it gets too cold (for them) to ride, they hang around inside posting on Internet forums about how awesomely their new 650b tubeless blahblahblah tires clear mud while everyone else deals with their ruts.  Then that Dutch guy comes over and starts laughing at them:


By the way, you know who likes to ride when it's warm and wet?  This guy:


(Mario Cipollini inspects a seamstress's "muffin top" in his clothing factory.)

Only when he's finished, he doesn't leave ruts, all he leaves are babies and herpes.

Speaking of being stuck in a rut, last week I linked to an article about how nobody wants cars anymore, especially young people.  Of course, the car companies can't have that, which means they have to come up with new and interesting ways to trick young people already in debt for useless college educations into spending more money on a useless car in which they can drive to the jobs they don't have.  That's why Dodge is now allowing aspiring suckers to slap on the shackles of car ownership by ripping off Kickstarter:



Aimed at young buyers, the Dodge Dart Registry allows potential Dart owners to solicit donations toward the purchase of a new car. That’s right, you can get other people to buy the car for you.

Consider Michael, who needs a care "more practical than his beloved Pontiac Trans Am to drive to school and work:"

For example, a registrant named Michael, from Toledo, Ohio, says he needs a car more practical than his beloved Pontiac Trans Am to drive to school and work. So he created a sporty orange Dart online and has solicited $103 to pay for a sliding armrest and a parking brake lever. As of Thursday, he still needed an engine and wheels and the like, but Michael still has 76 days to raise money for the remaining 69 fundable parts.

Here's Michael driving to work in his current car:


What the hell does he want with a Dart?  His current ride is both practical and stylish.

In any case, I think the Dart registry is mostly just more slimy and derivative marketing from the auto companies, though I'm very tempted to start one for David Byrne:


("You got me a what?" [FML, facepalm, etc.])

He'd complain, but you know he'd drive it.

109 comments:

Anonymous said...

PORT LAND

Anonymous said...

PODIUM KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.

Anonymous said...

Podio

Anonymous said...

podium again!

Anonymous said...

They're taking their time. (ZOD)

mikeweb said...

F UCI

theEel said...

weed1st!

RANTWICK said...

Hey snob. How do I place if I read the post first?

Roille Figners said...

Scrotium

ro-EE feen-YAY

Comment deleted said...

That was indeed an awesome driving scene.

Anonymous said...

Top XX
Now to read it.

babble on said...

I had a car this week but I couldn't be arsed to drive it.

RANTWICK said...

8th, and I read the thing! Thanks for the shorter post! If you made them all really short then I could just get on with commenting and seeing how I finished and shamelessly promoting my own blog...

Seriously though, today's post really is kind of (underline "kind of") funny...

Rantwick: Taxi Driving Trash

Yarpo said...

Top Twennee? Wuddeversss.

Another podium for (ZOD)!!

Uh....good morning velociclisti.

crosspalms said...

I think that's actually Hugh Laurie, not Cipo, inspecting the whatevers. Cipo was, um, otherwise engaged, so Laurie was hired for the shot.

crosspalms said...

And what? Another book already? I've barely paid for the last one.

babble on said...

Er... snobbers? How short is short?

Anonymous said...

WCRM,

stay away from those that wear orange jumpsuits

EPIC BRTO

BAKE FEET

HANG OVER

1945 taechan

Unknown said...

Nice FUCi shirt

https://dl.dropbox.com/u/4616938/2012-10-25%2009.08.11.jpg

Anonymous said...

Jean-Paul Sartre for Dodge Dartre

Brant Richards said...

Snobby rides an Inbred.

That figures

mikeweb said...

I would really like one of those fuci shirts, if only for the awkward conversations that would ensue when someone walks up and asks you what it stands for. Then, after explaining what the UCI is and why there's an f in front of it, and watching them feign interest for 2 minutes, the uncomfortable silence sets in.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob,

It's not "and...scene."

It's "...end scene."

Take it from a true Hollywood insider who is neither in Hollywood nor any kind of insider nor the type of person that would take 30 seconds to factcheck a blind assertion made in the comment section of a cycling blog.

Yarpo said...

Shit! Snobbo is coming to San Fran when I'll be off ice climbing in Colorado. Now I can't race around town looking for the video shoot location (the chicken suit is easy to spot) and the chance to gape like an idiot.

Now I need to get back to collecting fucka-strong zip ties so I can lash my ice tools to my wheels, enabling me to ride STRAIGHT UP frozen waterfalls.
Oh yeah, gotta find my red helment too!

Snob, I think you need to put BGW in your video, and maybe Salty and Sore if you can find him/her/them. BGW speaks in italics, and that would be cool, man, ya know?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Snob, at the North Beach end of Grant Street in Chinatown is a Banksy original in situ.

Better than the Hanksy in Little Italy.

Comment deleted said...

Anon @ 1:30: it was a Tobias Funke quote, obviously.

mikeweb said...

At the very least Snob and bgw should go for a ride. I happen to know that it's a very cool experience.

Frilly Chick said...

Y'know Crosspalms that would explain why House is one of the few TV shows I actually like to watch. Funny I never made the connection before.

And I just wanna put my hand inside that white shirt and caress the slickness that is Cipo. Yummy!

leroy said...

My dog was in New Orleans Sunday, plugs in his hair dryer and the next thing I know, I'm getting calls from Homeland Security.

Apparently, they're questioning him about some power outage.

Had to tell the Feds you can't believe half the stuff he says.

Somehow, I don't think they're going to let him fly to San Francisco. Oh well, this won't be the first time a grey hound brought him home.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Snow covered frozen ruts yesterday.

Anonymous said...

Waaaaa!!! There's ruts on my trail! I hate this! I hate you!

I'm a big fat baby!!!

WAAAAAA!!!

DB said...

I'm having difficulty finding deer antler spray to add to the PEDs that I use.
Farm and Fleet sells fox urine spray, think I'll try that.

leroy said...

Years from now, anon 1:47 will deny calling you fat.

Anonymous said...

RUT ROH

Anonymous said...

You should organize another group ride in SF, but this time make it a more challenging ride to Mt. Tam, Alpine Dam, Pt. Reyes, or something like that.

That'd be awesome.

Anonymous said...

Apparently fuci are seaweed, a part of the large genus of brown algae. Why'd you wear that to a cyclocross event?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"Waaaaa!!! There's ruts on my trail! I hate this! I hate you!

I'm a big fat baby!!!"

That is pretty funny Anon. But I don't like frozen ruts or unfrozen ones either. Years ago I used to ride my mountain biek in the mud. Back when I was younger and dumber.

Cyclocross -wet, freezing cold and muddy. What the hells wrong with you people.

Jed said...

I made those ruts with my pugsley.
Enjoy.

mikeweb said...

So we learned today that Hugh Laurie (Lorry?) is Cipo's doppelgänger, and last Friday that Robert Chambers is Frankie Andreu's twin. Any others? Kate Moss and Andy Schleck perhaps?

babble on said...

ruts... rutting...six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Fred Zeppelin said...

Frisky in Frisco!

Anonymous said...

As a graduate of the SUNY Albany English Department -- an esteemed institution where my own dear Father professed for many a year (but before your time I think) -- you should know the difference between "levies" and "levees".

It is true that Americans are undertaxed compared to Europeans, though, so your levies are pretty laughable, too.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:14pm,

Clearly the quality of a SUNY Albany education dropped off precipitously after your father left. I am living proof.

--Wildcat Levi Machine

Anonymous said...

That's some hard core dudder shit there wildcat, riding your mountain bike in the winter over some gnarly frozen ruts. Fuck yeah!

Anonymous said...

oh, yeah, and does your mom know you borrowed her bike?

Anonymous said...

I need a more practical care too. My caring broke down. Mechanics have no time to consider my concerns.

ge said...

Seeing how everyone else seems so polite today, I'll tell you exactly what's wrong with that mountain biking cycling bicycle of yours: No disembodied hand.

I mean, WTF? It's like a lobster without butter, a song without cowbell, a naked babe without a recumbent. It's a pretty good photo for you though so maybe you could just photoshop a hand onto it.

El Gecko said...

Nice cranks! Circa 2004 or so?

JB said...

Those tires suck on frozen ground.
You should get lighter wheels.
Your Ergon angle is off by about 3 degrees north.
You're using the wrong water bottle holder for single water bottle riding.
Are they tubeless?
Nice fork!
Put your saddle-bag contents on your body for better bunny-hoppability.
What pressures are you running?
You're in the wrong gear.
Seriously, mechanical discs?
Sweet ride!

babble on said...

How. Short. Is. Short. ?.

Jan! said...

Yo Wilde kat (that's Bakfietish for Wildcat), why didn't you use a picture of Dutch Guy's partner?

Anonymous said...

RTMS - Anon 2:14 here -- Well, given the uniformly high quality of your comic writing -- a genre which looks easy but which is extremely difficult to make work -- I'd say SUNY did pretty well.

You studied your S. J. Perelman very carefully, I think.

Anonymous said...

did anyone mention SCRANUS yet?


balsame 7

Anonymous said...

I'm a huge fan of your dog, Leroy. But holy shit, that was a long walk for a little payoff.
How long have you been waiting to crowbar that greyhound joke into a post?

leroy said...

Mike web -- Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. I know, weird, right?

the commentariat said...

Mikeweb, doppelgangers?

My ass and your face.

Ziiing...

Anonymous said...

Are you sure that guy is dutch? I tjought he was in Smokey and the Bandit, along with the Black Trans Am...

Rut woosie! said...

Lachen wij en wijzen naar uw fiets.

McFly said...

HunnyBunny just clipped in the 1st time for a nice lil 30 miler.

A good sport would have fired off a couple low-speed-damn-gravity tip-overs but all she did was ride in circles at the intersection waiting for cars to pass.

A good husband would get off the interwebs and go help her stop in the driveway.

The neighbors dogs are just having too much fun.

Seth said...

Seriously though man, Get the cover for the fixing bolt on your cranks. I wrecked mine riding without it. CR8252

vantage said...

Jan!

What's with the BTQ fetish ?

Perry said...

Sniffing Babble's old and very used saddle while feigning disapproval of the idea.

crosspalms said...

Frilly,
I like House, too, except the blood vomiting, or boils, or manic breakdown always seem to happen when we're eating dinner.

Literary/Theatrical Agent Extrodinaire Cyd Douche'steinburg said...

I hear that Snob's next book is a tell all titled "Me and Recumbabe Do Dallas & Each one an other" with shocking photography involving the Babe, Snob, Vito, leroy's dog but NOT leroy, several top echelon detached hand models, Martin Anus, d, byrne, lob and Recumbabe's comatose husband Fred Frederickson.

So to ne a major video production

Mark Maidique said...

Man!
I thought that was my bike at first blush!!!!! I have an inbred, white, but it's 26 and singlespeed. I thought you had pinched my ride for a quick sec.
Anyway, that looks like Sprain park, which, also, coincedentally, is my favorite place to ride my inbred. If so, and if you drive your "car" there, watch out for the assholes breaking windows and stealing wallets.

crosspalms said...

New band:
Breaking Windows and Stealing Wallets

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Good call seth on the crank bolt covers. Some blue anodized to match your bottle cage would be rad.

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

crosspalms - don't you mean

Assholes Breaking Windows and Stealing Wallets?

bikesgonewild said...

..."...How. Short. Is. Short. ???..."...

...so short that there's only room for "...bgw..." on it...that's how short...

...at least when it's untouched & unattended...

...but then again, caressed by a soft, warm spring-like breath, whilst at it's magnificent fullest, one can clearly read in bold letters - "...bikesgonewild..." ...

...neighbors often ask why i have a "...bikesgonewild..." banner hanging from the front of my house that billows in the wind...

...the long & short of it is, i just do...

babble on said...

:)

Vegas said...

I guffaw at your "ruts" Snobbie. Not as much as a billowy-shirted Dutchman would, but still. Specifically the insignificant amount of them in the first pic and the miniscule depth of them in the second.

Plus, isn't that why you have a 29r, cuz "the bigger wheels just roll over everything better" and "there's a bigger rubber contact patch on the ground." Heh heh.

ayetnera 4469
Do Spambots Dream of Electric Sheep?

Jan! said...

vantage: "BTQ" reminded me of "bietekwiet", an old Dutch (well, Flemish) curse word, comparable to "rapscallions". I kept seeing these licence plates everywhere.

Anonymous said...

Assholes Breaking Wind.

BGW I am totally grossed out and that's saying alot.

Anonymous said...

Nice FUCI shirt. Needs the sticker!

http://www.hanskellner.com/2012/02/15/2012-fuci-approved-frame-sticker/

bikesgonewild said...

...ummm...actually, guys &/or girls n' a certain dog living in brooklyn...

...methinks, that bsnyc/rtms/wcrm is bike-savvy enough to handle a few ruts, especially on his 29er mountain biking cycling bike but he's also savvy enough to be concerned as regards the general deterioration of non-purpose built riding trails...

...of course, out here, 90% of the horse set have NEVER shown concern about that...

...just sayin'...

...captcha - 'diatronm 4907'...i was under the impression that was made illegal due to it's cancer causing effects...

bikesgonewild said...

...@ anon 4:56pm...then don't ride by my house...

Anonymous said...

LOVE YOU MORE TODAY THAN LAST WEEK LANCE!!!!!!!!!!!

Banner billowing in the breeze said...

/
..

Helmnt Htlr said...

I'm a minimalist by choice but I'll be g*dddammed if I will give up my personal Zeppelin.

saddle.sore said...

Lanterne rouge

Johanjob Brunheel said...

Hey snob. How do I place if I read the post first?

February 4, 2013 at 1:06 PM

DOPE.

Anonymous said...

Maybe that Hamill guy can build you a custom bake feets in time from the wooden bins in his basement.
Or just check out his instructional video.

PatrickBateman said...

i'm big into baked feet fetish porn, but i don't have a baked feet to loan nor do i live in sanfrancico so i guess it's a moo point anyway -- like a cow's opinion. yes i stole that joke from joey on friends because it was funny then too. i miss joey and monica and the gang dont you?

nice hard tail snoberish. you know who else has a hard tail? me. that's who. and you can ride some new ruts into it any day pal.

lastly, did anyone else find that the super bowl game was much more entertaining after their 12th MICHELOB?

babble on said...

mmm love that Lobe...

I was surprised to discover that Venus will meet with Uranus tomorrow.

Vegas said...

Yeah bgw, it is worth mentioning after-rain damage every year in hopes of making more people aware of it.

Hell, the year I started riding I WAS that idiot, and left a gash in a clay trail likely as deeper than that first pic and probably in a 10ft line. Fortunately now I know better and have a car to drive to the sandstone/decomposed granite/rocky trails that we have that aren't affected negatively by rain. And some trails (including the one I screwed up on) now get "Trail Closed 2 Days After Rain" signs on easels in front of the trailhead.

I feel like maybe if there were no pics I'd be more on-board. The point is valid but Snob's pics don't seem to be very good examples, with the 2nd pic just looking like a normal trail to me. Maybe it's just a case of "steeper than it looks."

Anonymous said...

1st non-doping commenter again. IN YOUR FACE YOU DRUG ADDLED FREAKS!

Anonymous said...

Hey snob

This is Anon 1:47. I went to SUNY Stony Brook and studied candy flipping. I read your blog a lot and I think you are fucking hilarious and I would totally suck your balls, if you only had a pair.

Jimi said...

... a jellyfish'd tell ya that...

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Anon 2:29 --

Well of course you're a huge fan of my dog.

Everybody who had San Francisco and 6 owes him and his hair dryer a big old "thank you."

Anonymous said...

The big girl at the dollar store says BGW opens out to Big Girl Weapon...

babble on said...

Holy shit. I'm pretty sure aliens were controlling Chris Wallace yesterday when he was interviewing that dude from the NRA. He tore a strip up one side and down the other.

Heh heh. Me likey... :)

Bookie said...

Leroy, San Francisco was giving 6. And I'm grateful a majority gave those points. Your dog just gave them a bit of hope.

Jed said...

Be a dear and send me an advance copy of your manuscript. I'm on my last refill of Valium.

Anonymous said...

What kind of breaks are those on that hard tail?

Also, why do pictures scroll by themselves in the picture viewer when you click on the first one. F'n annoying.

McFly said...

Dang Wildcat those lever are at an uncharacteristically low angle.

Either you have simeon hands or Vito rides the bike and you do the photography.

Or do you just make him ride when it's rutty AND OMG YOU RUN/JOG ALONG BESIDE/BEHIND HIM CAUSE YOU'RE TOTALLY INTO THAT NOW.

JSNYC

Anonymous said...

Simeon hands?

I didn't even know our host was French.

ce said...

Bakfiets in San Francisco?
Hmmm, the best I can do is a bucket nailed to a skateboard in Sydney.
Let me know if you're interested.

babble on said...

Goody. Another book means another BRA. This time I'm not leaving 'till the fat lady is finished. And the wine. I'll help you with that next time, too.

You'll bring the lovely woman you tricked into marrying you, of course, and the seventeen kidlets. This is a great town for women and kidlets...

And nannies. Hot nannies are good too. Bring yours. And Vito, of course. (He can drive. He'll blend right in!)

Good thing you're a member of the one percent, Wildcat. It must get expensive travelling like that.

Happy filming. :)

babble on said...

heh heh... jogging snob nyc
2029 armming

McFly said...

*simian


*dammit

JB said...

Anon @ 6:12am: look like BB7s to me.

Fred Flintstone said...

That's a beautiful cast. When will the one of my cock be ready?

I use my feet to stop the car.

I use my cock to stop the moaning.

Dooth said...

Where's Dahmer? Thought he'd be all over the baked feet.

microrrelatos said...

Maybe you all know this, but I´ve recently discovered the worldwide cycling atlas and I think it´s great!!!

microrrelatos

grog said...

RTMS,
RUTT TURN MUDD SHOT
oh babe

CommieCanuck said...

Hey Snob, when in Knob hill, do not wander into a club called "Backpackers". It is NOT an outdoor equipment store.
Learned that the hard way.

Anonymous said...

That unkown Dutch guy is famous 'Acrobat' Adriaan of the famous clown and acrobat duo 'Bassie & Adriaan'

Trust me when I say that the 4 months of nightshifts I spent broadcasting reruns ofthis hilarious caravan dwelling duo on dutch nickelodeon was the best ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfCm-0uiLl8

Anonymous said...

NIN