Monday, February 11, 2013

Integrate This: Blood Bags and Dream Machines

Last week I went to San Francisco.  Upon my departure, I duly checked the weather, where I learned that the two measly days I was going to be spending there were going to be the crappy ones:


"Figures," I thought.

Nevertheless, after some rain on Thursday morning the rain clouds dispersed and in defiance of the forecast the sun shone for the duration of my visit.  "Lob hath blessed me!," I foolishly proclaimed, at which point Lobweh sent a giant blizzard to New York which forced me to remain in San Francisco for an extra night:



The good thing about being stuck in San Francisco is that, as smug as it is, at least it's not Portland.  The bad thing about being in San Francisco is that you can't stand still for more than four seconds without being accosted by some sort of vagabond who wants to discuss recent world events and how the only reasonable conclusion to be drawn from them is that you should give him a quarter.  Also, I only brought clothes for two days, which meant I had to buy a pair of clean underpants, and since I was in San Francisco and it was late all I could find were these:


Sadly I am not sufficiently equipped to fill the elephant trunk, though it did come in useful for storing rolls of quarters with which to buy off the vagabonds.

In any case, I'll spare you additional details of my trip since they're all going to be in the video we made while I was there, but I will add that this was my primary means of conveyance during my stay:



Next time I'll opt for something better suited to riding in San Francisco, like a brakeless track bike.  In the meantime, it's good to finally be home in New York, because if I had to look at the primordial majesty of the Pacific Ocean for another second I was going to puke.

Speaking of creepy underpants, it turns out that Mario Cipollini is a total blood bag whore named Maria:



On Sunday, Gazzetta reported more details of what it says was Fuentes' programme for Cipollini, who is said to have gone under the code name “Maria”.  The build-up to the 2001 Giro d'Italia included nine consecutive days of EPO, followed by a blood transfusion, growth hormone and more EPO – for a total of 13,000 units of the latter. Further, according to the notes, the sprinter received a transfusion on May 19, the first stage of the race.

This number is all the more impressive when you consider Fuentes's unorthodox transfusion method:


(Cipo accepts a "back door delivery" from Dr. Fuentes)

By the way, one of Cipollini's blood bags was never recovered, and anti-doping authorities believe that Dr. Fuentes used it to create Filippo Pozzato:


Only God can judge him, and only a pasta chef can style his hair.



And the team chiropractor had harsh words for the thieves:

Team chiropractor Matt Rabin photographed the empty truck and said, “While everyone was sleeping, some unscrupulous local scallywags have gone & pilfered ALL THE BIKES.”

Frankly I think he should have stopped at "unscrupulous."  "Scallywags" was a bit harsh.  Also, I hope Garmin-Sharp learns a lesson from this and assigns someone permanently to security detail.  I'd love to be there when Jonathan Vaughters explains to Tom Danielson that he'd be a lot more useful to the team off the bike and sleeping on a bare mattress in the back of the truck.


("We'll crack a window for you, you'll be fine.")

On the bright side, Portland framebuilder Sasha White has already offered to build new bikes for the team, and they should be ready in only eleven years--though in the meantime they can preorder this $500 cyclocross stem from him:


One of my fellow bloggers referred to this stem as "stupid, extraneous fluff," though it should be noted that it does say INTEGRATED on it in really big letters, so there's that.  Also, there was a huge hole in the cyclocross market for people who didn't want to make the move to disc brakes but who still wanted to spend hundreds of dollars for no good reason, so it's a good thing that this INTEGRATED stem has come along or else they might have spent that all money on something stupid, like 40 cable hangers and a stem that doesn't say INTEGRATED on it.

Speaking of INTEGRATED, I recently received the following email:


I am pleased to present you THE DREAM MACHINE, an important project of design for the bicycles sector that won the TAIPEI CYCLE D&I AWARD 2013.
For any further info, do not hesitate to contact me.

Indeed I did have a question about THE DREAM MACHINE, so I emailed forthwith:

I'll let you know what I find out.

Lastly, future scholars will doubtless debate on what date Brooklyn, NY officially became Portland, OR.  Well, believe it or not it hasn't quite happened yet, but the transformation will be official at exactly the moment when Brooklyn gets its own "funderpass:"



The plan includes a portion with colorful artwork along the walls called the “funderpass” and a bike pumping station. The design also calls for additional signage along the underpass that would direct pedestrians where to find attractions at both Brooklyn Bridge Park and Atlantic Avenue.

An artisanal underpasses?  I suppose it was inevitable.  Sure, I like nice things, but it's OK for some things to remain shitty, and I'd argue that one of those things is the highway underpass.

Less funderpass, more frumunda.

96 comments:

Anonymous said...

Scoreboard

2wheeler said...

wow

Big Charlie said...

Welcome back. To that same old place that you laughed about.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

top 5

Anonymous said...

Turds on cycleways!

Anonymous said...

TOOP TEEN

babble on said...

Hoooooray! Snobbie Doodle Doooooooo is back!

Anonymous said...

frumunda cheese yo.
herbal remedy
top ten?

Jed said...

Nice post today. We missed you.

Kenny said...

HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE MARIA?

Anonymous said...

Top X ? Top XX ?

mander said...

Welcome back Wildcat

And TOP TEN, i mean FIFTEEN

DB said...

Welcome back!
Did you bring us anything? T-shirt? Chocolate?
Hey, Leroy, is your dog going to the Westminster Show tonight?

Time Marches ON said...

Woe. Missed being lucky number 13 by a digit.

theEel said...

weed1st!

The King of shopping in Park Slope said...

Are those Bestmade sleighs?

bikesgonewild said...

...ya, ya...next time, how about a buck, big spender...

...a quarter doesn't amount to anything, especially when i had to wait around while you fished it out of your 'trunk'...

...sheesh !!!...humiliating...

leroy said...

Welcome back!

As for the Atlantic Avenue underpass, you can already play a pretty decent game of hop scotch trying to avoid the gangs of pigeons pooping from overhead. What could be more fun than that?

By the way, the New York Times this weekend ran a story about artisanl beer gardens on Arthur Avenue and how the Bronx is challenging Brooklyn for hipness.

You can run, but you can't hide.

RANTWICK said...

Lobweh! Nice.

Cipo's Lawyer said...

El Snobo will be sleeping with the fish.

Anonymous said...

ELEP HANT
TRNK SKID

crosspalms said...

Welcome back! Looking forward to The Encumbered Cyclist: Portage Out, Stagger Home, or whatever it'll be called.

seendem said...

Finishing OEM stems and selling them for $500 IS the bike business in a nutshell.

Ritte will soon be releasing a commemorative 60mm "ZOT" stem for $450.

Even though you too can buy the stem on ebay for $40 like these blokes did, the graphics are worth at least $400.

Saddle Sore said...

Garmin-Sharp Bikes Stolen? I doubt they were actually stolen. More likely they were seized by European Anti-Doping Officials (a.k.a. The Marx Brothers) to test the saddles for ejaculated material containing PED's.

mikeweb said...

Hey, if its a funderpass that will help keep Monteros afloat, I'm all for it.

Though the second picture in the article is definitely not the Atlantic ave. BQE underpass. Perhaps the Joralemon one or another one in DUMBO. No, not that Dumbo.

3G said...

I don't know what to think anymore

Frilly Chick said...

Oh Cipo, if I admired you for your cycling abilities, I would be very disappointed. I.E., when AC got busted, I went into mourning for a full week.

And that picture of a tube in his hiney is just plain weird. It reminds me of those people who have that BUMP enhancement surgery. Which of course I don't get that at all.

puverso 128 *smirk*

bikesgonewild said...

...btw...the "...dream machine..." kinda looks like somebody's nightmare...

...beyond the obviously wonderful aspect of what can be achieved whilst riding a bike, be it for sport or transportation, one of the things that has always been most intriguing about bicycles is the elegant simplicity of their lines & the integration (there's that word again) of just how form follows function...

...i defy you to tell me there is anything 'beautiful' about the lines or shape of the ( choke ) 'dream machine'...

...just sayin'...thankfully from a distance...

leroy said...

DB --

my dog claims the Westminster Show is more fixed than a Rotweiller waddling away from a vet's office wearing a plastic cone around his head.

fixed

Of course, he's still going. He's got a tattoo booth. Replicas of Pozzato's "Only God can Judge me" are a big seller.

McFly said...

I pledge alligence to the stem, of the United States of Douchebags,

Unto the repubic,

For herpes strands,

One Nashun, Under Lob,

With libido, and BB30's for all.

Play Balls.

Buffalo Bill said...

Cipo doped? Say it ain't so.

jim cassa said...

Underpass rider alert!!!!!!! don't forget your fenders. It maybe, could, possibly, probably; oh hell no, it is NOT WATER.

pretentious bostonian said...

"funderpass"...

we paint underpasses here in Boston, but they're typically called "community mural project exploring the Faustian implications of modern auto-centric infrastructure on the urban environment" - usually as interpreted by first graders at the neighboring elementary school.

ps - yankees suck

Anonymous said...

Talk about junk in your trunk...

Marcel Da Chump said...

Next time don't forget the travelin funderpants.

bikesgonewild said...

...leroy...doesn't your dog just kinda cringe a little bit when you use the word 'fixed' in conjuction with anything canine-ular ???...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Snob, see exofficio.com for the kind of underwear where you wash out the "racing stripe" in the hotel bathroom sink (preferably AFTER brushing your teeth), hang them up to dry overnight, and you are good to go the next day.

7 in. Shaft said...

Do those elephant drawers come in a XL?

db said...

"I see you're interested in our jumbo package..."

DB said...

Snob:
I buy your books at Anthropology. I lounge on the "distressed leather" couch reading while my wife shops.

The Magnificent Omri said...

Funderpass! Two men enter - one man leave!

babble on said...

mmm Anthropologie...

Are you two "DB's" the same person, or different peeps altogether?

Dice Man said...

"Jack and Jill went to funderpass each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came back with two fifty. Ohh!!"

299e said...

"and in a darkened underpass I thought my chance had come at last"

Anonymous said...

I think some EPO might help me get over this cold and back to work doing whatever it is they pay me to do here.


elephant fundus



balls™

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anthropologie?

Greatest cougar pick-up spot EVER!

27 Rings said...

Pick up dog poop with the N.Y Times, don't read it,,,the Bronx sucks, stay away...go to the ballgames, the Zoo, The Botanical Gardens, Arthur Ave dining, City Island, the four fabulous golf courses and then go home...do not live there, it sucks...I mean it, man.

babble on said...

The Pope resigned!!!

This must mean it's my turn. :)

Anonymous said...

Hey Babs,

It's your turn to be an old European White Guy?

DB said...

Cipo for Pope!

Dave said...

a flibbertigibbet
a will-o'-the-wisp
a clown

hey - Cipo for Pope! Why in hell not?

flibbertigibbet: how you feel after riding your cargo-cult bike down all those Frisco stairs

this concludes my randomized commentary

babble on said...

Nah, I just want to shake the church up a bit.

OK, a lot.

Plus, the pope has lots of shiny gold things... I love pretty, shiny things.

CommieCanuck said...

Holy Jesus Fuck, can you say "scallywags" on the interweb?

CommieCanuck said...

Yeah, the Pope gave his two weeks notice. Now, no one can find the Faberge stapler any more and ll the reams of paper made from the pubic hair of red-haired virgins. I hate when people do that.

CommieCanuck said...


Plus, the pope has lots of shiny gold things.


Plus, people line up to give him all kinds of golden jeweled SWAG, or SOPGFU (Stuff Only the Pope gets, so Fuck You).

Like this Sweet Colnago.

CommieCanuck said...

Pope John Paul actually rode that bike, but had it ripped off in front of the Vatican Wine shoppe. A member of the Swiss Guard was castrated for the indiscretion.

Anonymous said...

Much like you I enjoyed trans-continental travel is weekend, all be it from LA to NY. I suppose our having simultaneously swapped coasts for the weekend is some sort of cosmic balancing act. Praise the Great and Almigty Lob.

You can rest easy that in your absence Brooklyn and more specifically Williamsburg did not spontaneously combust in smugness.

P.S. my epic video of the great blizzard will be dropping soon. Once I can raise enough money on kickstatrer anyway.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. 27 Rings @ 3:00 PM --

You forgot:

The Tour de Bronx (free registration only includes T-shirt, snacks and post-ride pizza)

Orchard Beach (Dogs allowed on Boardwalk, not beach; how is that fair?) and

Van Cortland Park.

DB said...

I think the funderpass would be a fine place for the collection of George W. Bush's nude self-portraits.

Cipo said...

Eating blood bags

Anonymous said...

Scranus

Anonymous said...

"Funderpass" (it goes under the Scheldt River) in Antwerp.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObrpEU7PUAs

It really wercx quite well!

Scooter said...

whoa, we can't talk about the bike of the future without mention of this bad boy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdShjFWgh9E&feature=youtu.be

Check out the pegs.

Vegas said...

What do you mean a $3 padlock shouldn't be the only thing protecting $200,000 worth of custom bykcicles and associated parts?

But considering the "theives" didn't seem to bother with the 20 sets of spare crAbon deep-dishes, isn't it more likely that the biekes were purposely sold for EPO cash, yah? Or was the team just doing so poorly in the race that they needed an excuse to bail out early? Either way, I assume insurance will be footing the bill for new rigs.

spackti 419
Momma always sez "Robot is as robot does."

Anonymous said...

My day:

Read article about dire situation of over fishing in our world's oceans. Oceans will be irretrievably decimated in something like 40 yrs. Sadness.

Read about the bike caper--estimating the bikes and whatnot have a retail value significantly over $120,000. Awesomeness. Working on the screenplay now.

Down the rabbit hole of clickways--looking at 70 twitter photos of Wayne Gretzsky's vacuous 24 yr old daughter.
Sadness again.

Frilly Chick said...

Bob, you are probably right with the team doing so poorly so they had to conjure up some excuse to go home early. Think about it, a lot of their top riders are out on suspension cuz of the Lance follies.

And don't even get me started on that because I was truly disappointed by Vande Velde.

smegma & the dairy farmers said...

Yep, frumunda is back on the menu.

It's best served with a nice glass of mabalz from the wine growing region of Scrotania.

McFly said...

db @ 2:29 pm won the internet.

Anonymous said...

Babble On likes to shake stuff. Shock.

McFly said...

CC @ 3:40,

IT WAS THE PRIDE OF KRAKOW!!!

Electoral College said...

BABBLE ON for Pope write in campaign, or campagnolo if you will, starts today. First we'll need some dope, I mean information for potential voters, like measurements, experience (i.e. number of years in the saddle), etc, etc.

Christian Louboutin said...

BABBLE ON will be the first Pope in high heels in a couple of decades.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Well, maybe not high heels, but I bet Babble On would still look hot in those red Prada loafers the current Pope favors.

ughtsidi 20138 - not sure what it means, but it has "sidi" in it, and I ride in nothing else.

If the photo fits, you must not equit said...

Snobbers is "exposed" as being a Republican ready to ram his trunk up the rectum of 99% of the population. Future Pope Babble On excluded as she lives north of the border.

I always thought it was strange. said...

I remember the parish priest of my youth always wore the same shoes as the nuns did. They were these shiny black leather shoes with a square toe box and these clunky black heels that were about 1-2" high. I always thought that was strange. Little did I know then that strange was the name of the game.....

Vatican Fashion Week said...

@7:48 said "Well, maybe not high heels, but I bet Babble On would still look hot in those red Prada loafers the current Pope favors."

Coupled with a red Cheongsam Dress and she is going to be one smokin red hot Pope.

Anonymous said...

Are "Funderpasses" pretty restrooms for transients and homeless persons?

leroy said...

I don't mean to brag, but my dog has resisted the urge to post an obvious "will work for peanuts" joke.

On the other hand, he did ask me to point out that WIWM will only need a peanut shell as opposed to a pachyderm proboscis if he rides just in Sidis in this weather.

Cold weather shrinkage.

Lumpen fredetariat said...

Leroy's dog beat me to this one - that's just shameful isn't it? - but wiwm as the male recumbabe in Sidis... sounds kind of gnarly

leroy said...

Well I'll be durned. Dog beats man. That is news.

My dog will be so proud.

Anonymous said...

Too pooped to Pope.

bikesgonewild said...

...holy see-it...

...pope babbleus the 1st...popess babbleonia I...sorry, just thinking out loud, trying to get a feel for whatever name she might go with...

...either way, if anybody is gonna bring it, the babble is the babe, ya ???...

...sweeping changes ???...i can only guess the size of the broom she's gonna use when she sets to cleaning house in vatican city...

...my only question is:- who's gonna translate bsnyc/rtms/wcrm's daily scripture into latin...

...not somebody like 'eben weiss' 'cuz, oy vey, the guy lives up-town in a 'door-manned' building like some kinda literary 1%-er...

...i heard he uses his helper monkey 'vito' to ghost write all his shit...

...personlly, i might see if i can get the job of repainting the 'sistine chapel' into something more modern...

bikesgonewild said...

...btw...what's up at the prestigious 'westminster kennel
club dog show'
...

...what happened to the dogs with regal names like 'regis wellington, earl of sussex & kent' or 'lady hemsworth, high bitch of bingham hall' ???...

...we got semi-finalists with names like 'jewel', 'banana joe' & 'swagger'...i mean, really ???...

...sounds like leroy's dog's poker circle buddies...

babble on said...

Commie Canuck - IIIIIII know, right?? Right? He's got fuck-you-gold. That's trumps fuck-you-money cause it's shiny.

Yeah, BGW, we're talking biiiiiiig changes.

First thing? CC's sweet Colnago there would BE the new Pope-mobile. Then I would make all those secret documents hidden in that incredible library available to everyone online. And that's just the beginning. No more celibacy (obviously) and waaaay more wine. Oh. And all that land? I've got plans, man, I've got plans.... The church claims to be in service to the poor but it sure doesn't look like that from here.

Fun fun fun. Time to run.

bikesgonewild said...

...awesome !!!...i love a woman with drive, ahhh, whoops, i mean pedal...

...& if anyone won't be a titular head of this massive ecclesiastical state, i'm bettin' on the babble...

...hey..."...titular head..."...that sounds interesting...

...just sayin'...

ce said...

Maria! My mighty heart is breaking.

Today's highlight: "Only God can judge him, and only a pasta chef can style his hair"

Regarding The Dream Machine, I'm more interested in it being DISINTEGRATED

ce said...

This is the only integrated bike I will ever care for

bikesgonewild said...

...ce...i'm surprised the sierra club hasn't filed an injunction against the adult who chained his bike to that tree as a child...

Hugh Heffner said...

BABBLE ON @ 4:11 Hey, hey, the "Pope-mobile" can go top-less can't it? If yes, AND you're elected, I may actually subscribe to Vatican TV.

P.S. Any possibility of you appointing Frilly Chick as your Consigliere??????

ce said...

bgw, the Sierra Club did in fact, with the help of their many and varied animal friends, track down the perpetrator. But, when they found him they took only photographs... and left only footprints... on his head and groin area.

Anonymous said...

I sure hope there is not Junk in that Trunk.

Anonymous said...

POPE DOPE

Silvio Berlusconi said...

Pope Babble the 1stest, maybe you can hire Cipo to be your version of Vito. Frilly on the right and Cipo on the left; now there's a mug shot, err I mean portrait.

Cardinal Richelieu said...

Babble for Pope, Frilly as the Swiss Guard! I'd vote for you both, as I am sure you would look great in those outfits. Hot damn.

gel nail kits said...

great photos

Anonymous said...

Sasha was just early on the scene, happy to read him get a mild snob-zinger.