Monday, February 25, 2013

Good morning! Wait, what time is it?

I realize it's not a good idea to tempt the weather gods in February, but it's feeling a little springy outside--springy enough that this morning I put a bag with flowers on it into a basket:


Took to the mean urban streets:


And, well, dropped the bag off someplace.  

What was inside the bag?  And where did it need to go?  Well, I can't tell you that, but only because the answers to both of those questions are profoundly boring.

So instead, let's just say I was driving my car yesterday, and that I wasn't really paying attention because I was busy sending the following text:


Then let's say I kind of maybe ran over a cat just before hitting "send," and despite my best attempts to resuscitate the poor feline with both mouth-to-mouth and jumper cable defribrillation, I was forced to pronounce it dead.  Naturally, I couldn't just leave it there, so I consigned it to my trunk until this morning, when the cat's owner left for work.  Finally, I removed it from the trunk, slipped it into a Trader Joe's shopping bag, rode it over to the owner's house, and left it on the front stoop with an anonymous note pinned to it that read, "Sorry about the cat."

Oh, and the reason I rode the cat over instead of driving it was that I didn't want to lose my parking space.

Now that would be an exciting story, especially if I also incorporated a vignette about how I told the story at David Byrne's Oscar party that night and we all got into a big fight over it:


(Dead cats are not funny.)

Of course, none of this actually happened, but you still kind of hate me a little bit now anyway.  Whatever, I made it all up, get over it.  Anyway, there are far too many cutesy stories about smiley people riding their bikes to the food co-op or to yoga class because they're concerned about the environment.  Who can relate to that?  Cycling will never truly be a mainstream mode of transportation in America until people understand that it's just as compatible with craven, depraved behavior as it is with smugness.  There will always be serial killers, but there's no reason they can't transport their victims' remains in a bakfiets instead of a car.  It's a real oversight on the part of the "bike culture."

One thing that totally did happen though was that I saw my shadow during the ride:


When a douchebag sees his shadow that means there will be six more weeks of bad scranus jokes.


(Scranii are not funny.)

I'll make that guy crack a smile one day, I swear to Lob.

Speaking of weather, if you're the kind of person who doesn't like to experience it while riding, you'll be thrilled to learn about the "Tour de Rue," which promises to make riding outside obsolete:



There was once a time when I too used to ride indoors, and then one day I made an important discovery, which is that riding indoors is idiotic.  When the weather is too foul to ride, that's the Great Lobster On High's way of telling you to get a life and do something else.  Or, if you can't manage to take your mind off bikes for even two seconds, you can at least use the time to do something useful, like patching tubes or learning to build a wheel.  Maybe if Freds weren't so busy scampering around on their hamster wheels they'd actually know something about their own bikes--though if they did that would put Specialized out of business.

Also, some people compare riding a trainer to masturbation, but that's not really a fair comparison.  This is because masturbation is a pleasurable alternative to sex, whereas riding a trainer is not a pleasurable alternative to riding a bike outside.   Sure, it involves a bike, but that's where the similarity to actual cycling ends, and if anything, riding a trainer is like hitting your genitals with a rubber mallet.  Nevertheless, people delude themselves into thinking they need to do it, because they need to "train:"


Firstly, you don't need to "train," because chances are you suck, and the sooner you come to terms with that the better:

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Secondly, the "experts" say all kinds of stupid crap, and you should never, ever listen to them.  For example, remember when Allen Lim was making everyone on RadioShack swallow tiny thermometers, which they'd then dig out of their stools and analyze?  Well, it turns out that was just to distract people from the fact that they were all doing EPO.  Still, who knows how many Freds were rooting around in their own feces in a disgustingly scatological bid for Cat 4 glory?  

Still, I suppose there's something to be said for being able to "ride" anywhere in the world:


For example, here's someone riding through what appears to be a riot in Angola:


Maybe now I can finally take that North Korean bike tour I've always fantasized about:


Nevertheless, there's only one reasonable answer to this question:


And that answer is "outside."



That's one small step for Fred, one giant leap for punishing his scranus.

105 comments:

Comment deleted said...

Blog racing inflates WCRM's click counts. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anonymous said...

boo

Anonymous said...

PODIUM????

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Nice.

Anonymous said...

Ass Monkeys... ATTACK!!

bikesgonewild said...

...i just doesn't matter...

Spokey said...

top 10. back in the saddle

Nogocyclist said...

It's time to make it into the top ten.

bob said...

Huzzah!

babble on said...

Good morning! I can say that cause it's still morning here.

Anonymous said...

LANCE HOW DO YOU MAKE THAT HEART SYMBOL ON A SMART PHONE?????? IF I KNEW HOW I WOULD MAKE IT TOWARDS YOU 4EVER!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

damn y'all are quick.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

There is a dead cat in the ditch I pass on my ride to work. I don't know how long its been there but its frozen solid. Poor guy.

U8MyStickeeBunz said...

Your shadow makes it look like you were wearing a helment. Thank Lob!

Anonymous said...

That seat is only one step above a post and some lube. No thanks.



balls™

mikeweb said...

So Snob,

Fieldston? Really?

I hope that wasn't Carly Simon's cat you ran over.

Anonymous said...

top twenty? le sigh

Marcel Da Chump said...

Train in vain indoors.

Rapha Sucks said...

So I don't train for road, but can I practice for cross since there is a technique involved other than rotating my feet over each other whilst attached to my fred-machine? PS Rapha sucks.

ken e. said...

got rain?

bikesgonewild said...

...babble...that's interesting...it's still morning here too...

...ohhh, wait, i get it...it's 'cuz, ohhh well, never mind...yep, sorry...monday mornings are still a little confusing pour moi...

...i'll figure it out...

theEel said...

weed1st!

Anonymous said...

Anywhere in the world, Julie?

How about your bedroom?

crosspalms said...

North American Handmade B.S. indeed.

Matt said...

I like the Ride in China option, where you saunter along on the Flying Pidgeon trainer and every ten minutes the personal trainer comes and knocks you over.

Rapha Sucks said...

PS Rapha Sucks

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Yeah you are right Wildcat. I tried putting the back wheel of my recumbent on a trainer and I must say it was only slightly less boring than my regular bike on the trainer. The seat was more comfortable and it was way easier to see the TV but none the less an idea I gave up on a while ago. My trainer now has a layer of dust on it.

When it's cold out I go for a hike.

Comment deleted said...

I just can't get enough North Korean music. There's nothing cheesier on the planet.

NK is what it would be like if Scientology had its own country.

Spokey said...

recumbent conspiracy theorist

that is supposed to be my cat but once again WC let me down. I even offered to pay for his gas.

But I see the nasty thing is lying by the radiator in the living room.

Jimboner said...

The chorus to that North Korea bike trip jingle loosely translates thus:

"The supreme leader commands you to pedal as if the Great Satan was making a scatological bid for your scranus and please no photos or you will be beheaded"

babble on said...

riding a bike anywhere is like masturbation, because we cyclists are all a bunch of wankers

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

waited all day for this?




tht cnt346

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Good Lob man! at least take some steel wool and WD-40 to those handle bars.

Anonymous said...

'Triathalons': he said 'triathalons'.
This should be part of the lexicon, or lexicaon, along with 'helment' and crabon fribé' Make it so.

Anonymous said...

Missed the break...mid-pack fodder

Onespeed said...

All is now revealed about the fatally flattened feline. One could say the cat is out of the bag.

Onespeed said...

All is now revealed about the fatally flattened feline. One could say the cat is out of the bag.

Anonymous said...

I don't trust those kickstarter Tour de ruepeople. Julie had to read her name from the prompter.

MAGgoT

a.k.a cylfnee 55

Anonymous said...

Any one able to ID the make model of bicycle from the morning ride? It has rust on the handle bars, does that narrow it down?

Yarpo said...

Six more weeks of scranus jokes!
Nice.
Music from the DPRK to inspire my cycling.
E-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Anonymous said...

Two steps forward
(Six steps back)
(Six steps back)
(Six steps back)
(Six steps back)
Small step for him
(Big jump for me)
(Big jump for me)
(Big jump for me)
(Big jump for me)

MAGgoT

grog said...

Make me sad. Make me glad.
Deliver my kitty in a bag.

leroy said...

My dog woke up this morning, saw his shadow, grunted and went back to sleep.

I wouldn't read too much into that though.

He's tired from taking the red eye flight back from the Oscars.

Mixed emotion is seeing your dog make an entrance on national television and realizing he can't hear you shout "not on the carpet!"

Oh well, it's not like he listens anyway.

Flyover bike commuter said...

Thanks, I needed that.

For the last month, I've been commuting only a few days a week because of twice a week snow snow, temps around of 15-45 degrees, and many days of 20-40 mph headwinds.

But, I resisted the almost imperceptible temptation to set up a trainer. Instead, I mostly stayed indoors or walked the dogs, who don't care what the weather's like.

The rest of the week's looking pretty good.

bikesgonewild said...

...re: tour de rue...julie, baby...drop that scranus brandon come out here & i'll show what it's really like to ride the golden gate bridge...

...none of that 'shot from a car, out in the traffic lane' b.s....

...nope...we'll be on the west side, with the wind blowing & really taking our lives in our own hands 'cuz we'll be dodging speed demon cyclo-commuters, local hotshots on their fancy crabon wonders, tourists on 'rent-a-bikes' who, whilst understandably stopping for photos, seem to forget in trying for that perfect scenic shot, that they just might be stepping backwards into the path of either a pack of other blithe spirited tourists wending their way across or a paceline of focused seriousness &/or the few idiots on foot who managed to not read any of the 'foot traffic- other side' signs or be dissuaded by the yells of every cyclist in contention for the space...

...but, ya, other than that, it's a delightfully pleasant & picturesque journey...

...gimme a call...we'll ride...

BikeSnobNYC said...

U8MyStickeeBunz ,

No helment, just a puffy hat.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Velocodger said...

Golly. Cat killing, "craven, depraved behavior", hatin' on indoor riding, telling me I suck, masturbation..... you could have written this post just for me!

Behind You said...

That cat would have loved the fillets at NAHBS.

Wait, not fish?

Frumunda Mabalz

EPOeci41 what?

bikesgonewild said...

...hmmm..."...i just doesn't matter..."...

...whilst that is undoubtedly a true, if grammatically incorrect statement, what was meant to be impied was that in being 6th in contention for the podium today, that "...'it' just doesn't matter..." as regards placings...

...my scranus was ruffled, unlike david byrne's...

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 2:19 PM

That's the dutch bike that was locked up outside.

Anonymous said...

Just watched tour de rue. All those flashing strobes almost gave me a seizure, ot having my memory erased by the MIB thing.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

RUST YBAR
FLAT CAT!
RICE RIDE
HARD SEAT
PUFF YHAT

McFly said...

Thank you for the YOU SUCK reminder. I have 2 pretty fast guys meeting me at the house at 3:45 and now that my hopes and dreams have been crushed I can get on with what I accel at....sucking.

I will probably just mumble something about base miles.......

Buffalo Bill said...

I am a disobedient robot
63 reakfc == 83 reakfc
who cares?

Anonymous said...

Riding inside is almost as gay as using this comments section as a message board.

just sayin...

Anonymous said...

knock knock

- whose there?

You know what's stupid?

- You know what's stupid who?

Polishing handlebars is stupid...and you, you're stupid. Fucking cunt.

leroy said...

Dear Anon 3:36 --

My dog asked me to pass along the following message:

"You may be humping up the wrong leg."

I have no idea what he means by that, but it sounds like a mixed metaphor to me.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, I think that video thing is a great idea. It allows Freds to do their hamster thing while keeping them off the streets because let's face it, the only things they see during a ride is their computer, their front tire, asphalt, and the ass of the guy in front of them. No rider in front; more time for the first three.

McFly said...

That bag had a folding bike in it did it not?

Anonymous said...

You seem to have passed over the "around town city bike" with the sewups and wooden rims in that photo gallery. Surely that was worth some sarcasm.

Anonymous said...


Anon 3:36 PM
And riding outside in a Fredly fashion is not "gay." Do you think George Cluney obsesses over what he is going to sweat in. Of course the advertisements on ones jerseys (sweater if your Canadian)or the color of ones bike makes one ride faster.



said...
Riding inside is almost as gay as using this comments section as a message board.

just sayin...

The Cyclists Wife said...

Cycling widows around the globe thank you for this comment "...when the weather is too foul to ride, that's the Great Lobster On High's way of telling you to get a life and do something else".

Anonymous said...

I plan to use the crabon seat while I get some work done.

Skiptooth Lotus Eater said...

Cat sicks?!

Comment deleted said...

Anon @ 4:03: my co-worker summed that up quite neatly: "the erectile dysfunction desk."

Anonymous said...

North Korea... cycling...cannibalism and mass graves... seems appealing.

Anonymous said...

Walking. Healthy. Minimal Equipment. Can be done outside in the kinds of weather that would shut down bicycling. Pre dates bicycling (actually everything modern) by a few years. Ever see a fat infantryman?

George Clueny said...

@ anon 3:55

Um, what the fuck are you talking about? You're post is exactly what a total gay-lord would write. Are you too busy having gay sex to think straight?

Being gay and having gay sex is really pretty freaking gay. I live in California, so I know about this.

Big Charlie said...

There is no such thing as weather too bad to ride in. Just another layer and maybe some studs if it snows.

There is the same reason for riding a bicycle indoors as there is for driving a car inside your garage. That is to say, there is no reason.

Frilly Chick said...

You have no idea the relief I felt when you said just kidding about the cat thing.

Recently had a chat w/an acquaintance regarding Salsa's line of "snow" bikes. He kept saying, "You should check at the website." And I kept thinking no I should stay on the couch w/my hot chocolate. Ha!

Although, I must say I enjoy hiking in the winter. Beautiful scenery and not as much slithery wildlife as in the spring and summer.

NOSN AKES

Comment deleted said...

I'm with ya on the snakes, Frilly. A friend ruined the Yuba River (just a little) for me when he said that rattlesnakes can swim.

Anonymous said...

I just did a dose of r-epo and now I'm digging through a custom single layer carbon cereal bowl of my feces while riding my specialized on a trainer.

Vegas said...

Double Byrne Burn.

Anonymous said...

Congratulation on the basket!
Very useful!
103 dyched

Anonymous said...

Mr. George Clueny, I used to want to ride with "Freds" but they said my hairy legs wouldn't cut it, nor would my vizored helmet, nor my "wife beater" shirt, nor my rusty 1970 Raleigh 10 speed, nor my.... P,S. You're from California. My condolences.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if those hip hop dudes are going to rock that sick carbon seat in there next vid?

Efrem Zimbalist, Jr said...

77 Sunset Strip

Doesn't Taste Like Sugar Water said...

The Wimpification Babe photo should be used for ever.

Anonymous said...

She would be way hot with a hipster beard.

Roille Figners said...

Tour de Rue = "Street tour." Mmmm, no, I think it's more of a Google Street View Tour.

rwaiee feenyay

Anonymous said...

Big Charlie-Where do you live? I've lived where some days were in excess of -40. I've heard of people riding in that kind of weather, but have never seen anybody do it.

Grump said...

Snobby, you misunderstand. The reason for training indoors, is not to not to suck. It's to suck just a little less than the other guys that you are racing against.
If you think that indoor riding is pathetic, you should try an indoor time trial on computrainers. You can push it so hard, you can't see straight anymore, and you don't have to worry about crashing into somebody when you see a dead relative beckoning you into the light.

Anonymous said...

Hey!
DB here. Did I miss anything? Been on my indoor trainer.

Frilly said...

Grump--that perfectly describes my first spinning class!

babble on said...

Big Charlie I'm with you... and I have ridden in -40 for sure. Edmonton winters used to be like that, waaaaaaaay back when. At the risk of repeating myself, the ride keeps you warm. As long as you dress for the weather it's fantastic fun any time of year.

Plus everyone's jaws drop when you arrive on your bike in nasty weather. The comic effect is brilliant.

No matter what the weather, I'd rather be on my bike than in a car or on public transit, because riding my bike makes me happy.

Enquiring minds want to know said...

So,was North Korea full of Freds before they "Went Commie"?

Anonymous said...

Does Lob rhyme with Job or job?

Jed said...

That was fucking funny. My dead aunt was pulling my chain just yesterday. Turns out it was leroys unleashed dog jumping out in front.

Jed said...

Well said. And everybody needs to buy a snowbike dammit. I refuse to die like a oxygen starved attention whore...all alone and penniless! Those tubes arent cheap! Or light.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 12:31am...

..."Does Lob rhyme with Job or job ???..."...

...yes...yes it does...

...just sayin'...

Paul Bowen said...

U8MyStickeeBunz @ 1.42: No; I once met RTMS and that's the actual shape of his head.

Anonymous said...

Now Frilly we are pretty sure you can tame most any snake with the hypnotic sway of hip and giration of breast.

DOWN BOY!

ORUP BOY!

Anonymous said...

Over here (which is anywhere English is spoken other than North America), periods are called full stops. You've got to love the quintuple redundancy of finishing a sentence, using the aposiopesis which indicates the sentence hasn't finished, then writing 'Period' instead of just putting in the '.' and actually finishing with an exclamation mark which means the previous finishes weren't really the end.

Anonymous said...

C'mon Babble it's high time you stepped off in the Vatican with nothing on but furry boots and a smile and give all the men something to bow down to and worship.

Can I wash out my goatee in the Holy water?

Anonymous said...

Posted at Bike Hugger:
"...trend towards adventure biking with larger volume tires in general. As road riding and racing wanes in popularity post Lance, adventure biking is the next trend. Fat Bikes are a large part of that and with mainstream media coverage, they can improve and keep selling." Can a new form of Fredism be evolving with a trend toward fauxventurism ala Wilderness Collective?

Frilly Chick said...

Yeah, Anon 6:08, the dead mouse pasties help move the process along.

And that sway of the hip would be my backside running as fast as I can in the opposite direction.

408 smileda -- Everybody be happy!

babble on said...

Heh heh... yer funny, honey.

Anon @ 8:55 - I know, right??! I keep waiting for the white smoke to say the office is mine, but all I can see for miles around is the green stuff.

playsha 626

Aposiopesis said...

@English anon @6:37

Er, yeah, right mate. Right you are. I suspect bgw might have something to say about those dots, but not as smartly as you did. Good job. Now go and have a beer

Roille Figners said...

Anonners @ 6:37: So right. But ordinarily I love false endings, such as this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueBUFUWSXHs&t=03m00s

or this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzcZttcpYFQ&t=03m20s

or even this (from "over here", full stop)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrA2KLtAn1A&t=05m05s

rwaiee feenyay

boys on the hoods said...

100 with a bullet.

Anonymous said...

Dude, jokes about running over cats are about as funny as jokes about Lance and doping. Fucking hilarious, huh?

Anonymous said...

The key to good indoor riding is--read a book. Sit there and pedal mindlessly while burning calories and taking a mindtrip, and then come spring you'll be in great shape to not miss a beat in your drive toward continuous and eternally spectacular suckiness! The scranus needs this periodic abuse, or it will think you don't love it anymore. And trust me, there's nothing worse than struggling with both winter weight and an unloved scranus. You'll end up looking like David B.

Anonymous said...

That's some quick work Roille Figners, chapeau!

Anonymous said...

Crabonfibre Up Your Ass.

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