Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Becoming one with the bike--and not in a good way.

I owe the world of cycling an apology.

Since starting this blog in 1986, I've mocked cyclists for being total "weenies" when it comes to equipment.  Sure, this conceit became stale almost immediately, but that's not why I'm apologizing.  I'm apologizing because I've recently realized that cyclists hardly register on the vast spectrum of weenie-dom.  What brought me to this realization?  This:


(Steampunk iPod.)

Well not that exactly, but records and the playing of records upon "turning tables."  I am not an audiophile by any means, but I do have a bunch of records, mostly because when I came of music-buying age records were still what people used.  Therefore, I've maintained ownership of a "turning table" over the years so that I can still hear these records, and as much as I appreciate digital entertainment I still think it's fun to listen to music you have to flip over.  Sure, sometimes I flip my phone over out of nostalgia, but it's not the same.

Recently though, I discovered that turning tables and human children are natural enemies, owing to the turning table's delicate parts and the human child's natural instinct to destroy those delicate parts.  Therefore, I was forced to relocate the turning table to higher ground, and to replace the delicate parts--in particular, the pointy one that the turning table drags along the record to make sound.

As I said, I'm not even remotely an audiophile, and my goal was simply to make the turntable work acceptably again for a minimal amount of money.  Nevertheless, this being the Internet age and my being (at least anatomically) a male, I nevertheless found myself reading up on the latest equipment and stuff, and holy crap these people are insane.  You'd need an electron microscope to see the parts they're arguing about, and you'd need hyper-acute cat senses to even begin to discern the difference, if there even is any.  Reading about this stuff makes those chain lube tests seem eminently reasonable.

Fortunately though, years of cycling have trained me to recognize the Red Flags of Weeniedom, and of course the biggest one is the appearance of crabon fribĂ©.  I shouldn't have to tell you this, but if you're researching a piece of equipment and find that any part of it is available in crabon, then for the sake of yourself and your family stop what you're doing immediately.  If someone offers you crack at a party then it's probably time to leave, and if someone offers you crabon anything then do the smart thing and smoke some crack instead.  That's why as soon as I saw that they were making turntable parts out of crabon I filled the tub with ice, got in it, and started slapping myself:



I don't know, maybe this crabon record stuff has been around forever, or maybe it's only happening now because records are cool again like
fixiescyclocross, but either way it was news to me.  I didn't even know that thing was called a "tonearm."  I always just called it the "needle wang."

Anyway, following the "no crabon" rule is guaranteed to save your ass from all forms of weeniedom, including but not limited to wine:


Golf:

Sport motorcycles:


And of course fetish sex:


While being whipped for being naughty, you really need the lateral stiffness and vertical compliance of crabon.

Hey, do whatever you want, but don't say I didn't warn you.  They don't call crabon "Douchebag's Gold" for nothing.

Speaking of crabon, an important hurdle in the eventual selling of disc brakes to roadies may have been cleared, because you can now buy crabon rotors:


I've long felt constrained by the excessive weight of my metal brake rotors, but I'm relatively certain those are just cleverly repurposed pie plates.

In other news, I don't know about you, but when I receive an email from a reader with the subject line "Seat Post in Rectum" I open it immediately:



As cyclists, it's all too easy to get wrapped up in our own weenie-ism (you know, the kind of weeniesm that compels us to point out it was the saddle rail and not the seat post that got lodged in his rectum), so let's all join together and spare a thought for someone way, way, way less fortunate:


By the way, this is obviously a huge marketing coup for Giant:


You really can't buy that kind of publicity--at least not legally.

What you can buy, however, is Bret, whose image is now used on the packaging of rougly 68% of all consumer goods sold in North America.  In fact, he's endorsing so many products that a reader informs me he now competes against himself:


As the reader succinctly puts it:

2 Brets on 2 different packages for similar products on the same shelf at the same store

this is like one of those time travel paradoxes where the time traveling self runs into the current self...

If crabon is the Red Flag of Weeniedom, then Bret is the Good Housekeeping Seal of Extraordinary Cheapness.

Lastly, learning how to ride a bicycle in New York City is "liberating"--and not in the "liberate me from my bicycle with the Jaws of Life" sense:



Too bad they're totally going to liberate us from the bike lanes.

105 comments:

samh said...

Scranii

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

3? said...

3????

Anonymous said...

Panties!

mikeweb said...

Hey all.

What?

Anonymous said...

final

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Top 10 fer sure duder.

babble on said...


Panties are good...

Anonymous said...

Pantiiiiieeeees!
I hate proving I'm not a robot to a robot.

babble on said...

mmm crabon crack

Anonymous said...

Chamois sniffer

Anonymous said...

DEAR LANCE....I HOPE YOU HAVE A POSITIVE DAY......WE CANNOT ALLOW OUR LOVE TO TEAR US APART

Roille Figners said...

Snobz - as we are all well aware, turning those records over is melakha! So before you start dropping a bunch of hints ("Well whaddya know, the music has stopped"), yes I will be your shabbos goy.

rwaiee feenyay

Buffalo Bill said...

Awww man, I totally wanted to watch that vid.

veyearco 181 what?

babble on said...

Oi vey!

Ok, I'm down with the riding crop- if anyone has been naughty, I'm your girl...

but the seatpost in the rectum bit?

eeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Fritz said...

go for a ride in the MX-2... it is made entirely of Crabon

babble on said...

Hey... come to think of it, that crop might come in handy in the battle of the bits

Marcel Da Chump said...

Jaws of scranus.

Moi said...

"The rod was unable to be removed."

WTF?!


1747 isaymoi

ken e. said...

pantsu!

Anonymous said...

In addition to small children, cats and uninformed dipshits with dusting cloths are also very harmful to turntables. But children are the worst. Children are assholes.

Anonymous said...

Dear Babble - Panties are good, but they are best when they are in a heap on the floor. Also, I have been very naughty. Can you come discipline me.

McFly said...

........cause nobody and I do mean nobody rides bikes in Colorado.....

Anonymous said...

Did she got a tatoo of a schlong on her other foot the first time she learned how to suck a dick?

"IT WAS LIBERATING!!" [He said it this time]

crosspalms said...

BIKE TATU
WOLF TATU

and samh!

jno62 said...

1 word

OUCH!

Comment deleted said...

They used the Jaws of Life to remove the seat rail?

I don't know...seems a bit unsubtle, if you ask me.

Needle Wang said...

Douchebag's gold!

crosspalms said...

When my daughter was little, I remember fishing her toothbrush out of the VCR.

McFly said...

Hey Wildcat one can have fun with lots of stuff by flipping it over.

The "B-Side Boogie" as I like to call it.


horybar118(seriously I win capcha today)

Anonymous said...

I think the capcha is made of crabon today.

Insert rectum joke here.



balls™

babble on said...

Anon@ 12:56 - absolutely! First, confess to Pope babbles. Tell me what you did. Tell me how naughty you are....



babble on said...

Wildcat - thank you for NAKED BABE!!

Anonymous said...

DB here, G..gle is acting up on me again.
Where's the naked babe? Did I miss something?

Anonymous said...

so - what would you do at a party if they handed you a crabon crack pipe?

babble on said...

Anon DB -Check out the crabon disc rotors carefully...

Anonymous said...

Sneaky Snob's recumbabe - Like a prurient Where's Waldo.

leroy said...

Oh dear.

Ms. Benoist's wolf ride may have been my dog and his buddies who offer tourists authentic NYC wolf tours.

I didn't think anyone took them seriously enough to get a commemorative tattoo.

I mean would a real wolf take folks to Katz's Deli on Houston to show them the celebrity photo wall and his protrait with Abe Vigoda?

(For those who were wondering, tours start at $5, but you have to buy him a pastrami on rye. My dog. Not Mr. Vigoda.)

Anonymous said...

"While being whipped for being naughty, you really need the lateral stiffness and vertical compliance of crabon."

it's not my place to say this on this board but "GOLD, SNOBBIE, GOLD"

Anonymous said...

Crosspalms: hope you took the bus today.
In defense of indoor training from yesterday's discussion,it's not so much the weather, it's the sand,salt, cinders and flint rock the plows throw all over the roads.
I've had so many flats in the winter that I'll suffer a few mind-numbing inside rides until the rain washes them off.
Over and out, DB

Steve P. said...

Speaking of calibrating the weeniness quotient in the intersection cyling and music....

http://en.rocketnews24.com/2012/08/17/turntable-rider-converts-bmx-bike-into-musical-instrument-needs-your-likes-to-become-a-product/

PBateman said...

snobber, go on ebay or craigslist and fine a gently used technics sl-1200mkIII and be done with it.

or, go on amazon and get an entry level table from project/music hall.

they'll all make you very happy.

i actually am one of those deranged audio equipment people. and the carbon tonearms have been around a while so don't freak out too much.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Babble.
I was speed reading and missed her.
Gotta slow down and smell the roses.
Nice Spokenscene today.

Anonymous said...

I would suggest a used AR-XA turntable, should be around $100. The equivalent of a bridgestone with bar end shifters.

McFly said...

Why did it take 43 comments for a needle recommendation?

You foolz is slippin'.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I ain't got no turning table but I do have a CD copy burnt from an original Hot Rats LP by FZ. Pops and hiss included. All the fun but I don't have to get up and flip it. Which is nice when I'm stuck to the couch.

PBateman said...

or, if you want something fussy Snobber, find a nice thorens 160 or similar suspended turntable. i loved mine and they can be a real pain in the ass. kind of like having internal cable routing or a soft tail mountain bike.

by the way, if you just do the cartridge something like a grado red is good. or if you want to impress your friends, get a denon dl103. its moving coil so you'll then need to get a receiver that can handle moving coil. once you do that you'll start obsessing over all kinds of other crap and be well on your way to "upgrade" misery.

McFly said...

I assume the "P" in PBateman stands for phonograph?

Jed said...

Foolz be slippin'
Needlz' be skippin'
Artisnal vinyl luvers be trippin'

PBateman said...

no, just Phono for short.

thegock said...

ANAL BYKE

Anonymous said...

....just a short skip to porno there Bateman.....

babble on said...

Thank you!

I've stayed well away from the gin since then...

Anonymous said...

"It is a day students look forward to as one of hope, learning and new experiences." Like having a piece of a Giant Oyea shoved inside your rectum, through your jeans.

grog said...

Got you lots o' bikes,
which you say you likes.
But you wrecked 'em,
with your rectum.
Crabon saddle lube for tykes.

Oh Babe

Dooth said...

Now that it's been shown to be physically possible -- it's a promise, not a threat-- when I tell a bad driver: "I'm gonna shove this bike up yours!"

U8MyStickeeeBunz said...

Hey Wildcat-

1986? Did Al Gore invent the internet way back then? I thought he was still peeling back the Iron Curtain?

Anonymous said...

Crabon Curtain

asseemh 2407

Dooth said...

Now that it's been shown to be physically possible -- it's a promise, not a threat-- when I tell a bad driver: "I'm gonna shove this bike up yours!"

Frilly Chick said...

Yeah, I, um, probably need to be whipped. No deets.

Back to bikes, I knew a guy who had the Specialized S tatoo. Kinda like putting a bf/gf's name somewhere on yer body. What happens when the honeymoon is over?

Anonymous said...

Snob:
My turntable was trashed by my son when he was a teenager by practicing his DJ skills.
He did not grow up to be Woooooo.

bikesgonewild said...

...crosspalms..."...When my daughter was little, I remember fishing her toothbrush out of the VCR..."..

...strange family there, crosspalms...

...whilst your daughters location of a place to store her toothbrush might be odd, i find it exponentially stranger that you were fishing in a vcr when you happened to find it...

...(shakes head, walks away)...

crosspalms said...

DB,
Yep, bus. They've been scaling back the doomy warnings, but it's turned into quite a slopfest outside. He who takes the bus today lives to ride another day.

vificiv, which sounds like something you take for a cold

crosspalms said...

bgw,
and after all that work, the brush was too small, I had to throw it back...

bikesgonewild said...

...ba-da-bump...

babble on said...

RCT - yeah, or when you're "all tied up..."

George Plimpton said...

Give me good books, good conversations, and my Trek Y-Foil, and I shall want for nothing else.

Dieoff 1720 (should have said 2003. 1720 was when I was born, stupid robot)

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Good thinking babs!

@crosspalms she was just trying to be helpful and clean the heads on that thing.

bikesgonewild said...

...hmmm...why am i thinking about silk cords ???...

...well, whatever...

...i'm betting the little wrist flick to get that nice snap at the end would be different with crabon fibre...

...worth investigating...

...could be worth the investment in the end if one doesn't end up with carpal tunnel...

...530 oboduco...assume the position, baby...it's oboduco time...

futrino said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
futrino said...

Couldn't they have used the quick release lever on that seat instead of chopping the frame?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Seat post was probably seized up good and tight in the frame so two firemen would have had to rotate the whole damn frame back and forth trying to ease it out. Ouch!

olitodi 5

Anonymous said...

Did Snobby Jr receive a "time out"?
When I was his age I got spanked.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:59pm,

I gave him $100 and made him promise not to do it again, then when he told me to go fuck myself I praised him for expressing himself.

When I was his age my parents would punish me with no spondee for a month.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Lumpen fredetariat said...

When I was that age I used to knock my mother's precious 78s off the table. They smashed good. I bet bgw is old enough to know what I am talking about.

crosspalms said...

WCRM's nightmare:
"Dad, what colors do you think I should paint this axe handle?"

Your dinosaur has a Canadian accent... said...

Oh Babble, no wonder your calves look like that if you are pushing big gears at low cadence like that.

Natalie Kurz said...

Yup. Audiophiles make cyclists look thrifty by comparison. Check out this (stupid) million dollar sound studio:

http://www.higherfi.com/million/

Anonymous said...

Rega Planar most def. The simplest machine technically speaking. You can replace the belt with tights in case BS jr. cuts it and it got a heavy and solid glass turnable....

MAGgoT

Anonymous said...

Snorted coffee through nose - ..Gave him $100... should have thought of that with my own, now way past grown children. Now I know what to do with GK's. The Snob don't need no stinkin' Kindling. Oops, is my age showing?

Anonymous said...

SOLID GOLD

Anonymous said...

interestingly brett is riding different bikes on the different products. i can tell because one has the drivetrain on the right (correct) side and the other one has it on the left side. This left hand drive must be quite a rare find.

bikesgonewild said...

...@ lumpen fredetariat...i am a child of 33's & 45's era & i'm simply talking about turntables...

bikesgonewild said...

...although, lumpen fredetariat, i do like that very hip 'beck' tune "...two potatoes & a microwave..."...

...it's kinda catchy...

bikesgonewild said...

...@ aposiopesis...

...& the point of your comment yesterday, regarding me would be ???...

The Rationalizer said...

I guess cars can be pretty OK. I mean, you can get BJ's in them.

They got that going for them.

Which is nice.

...@ aposiopesis... said...

...bgw...
...just sayin...
...when does it end...?...

Matt said...

I've got Meatloaf's Bat Out Of Hell on an LP pressed in vinyl with the Bat Out Of Hell image right in the record! You don't get THAT kind of shit on MP3s.

Anonymous said...

45's and baseball cards. Should have kept them mint rather than playing with them till I was bored (attention span shorter than cat scranus) and using them for frisbees and noisemakers.

babble on said...

Dear Canadianosaurus,

Nah na nah... I don't work that hard. It wasn't a high gear, I was just tooling along...it's a slight downhill incline heading in that direction, and I was imbibing....

I used mash, though. That might explain a few things. Also, I raised two boys on bikes over two decades, often hauling their butts along with my own, up and down these wet, hilly climes.

babble on said...

downhill incline... sheesh

Vegas said...

cray-cray for crabon


dgingso (unchained?) 301

bikesgonewild said...

...w...h...o...
...c...a...r...e...s
...&...
...w...h...y...
...?...?...?...

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, "The Cycling Bible" by Robin Barton lists, as "Cycling Cities" Copenhagen, Paris, London, Melbourne, and representing the U.S. of A., Portland and New York. What! No Amsterdam! No Edmonton or Calgary! No Berkely or Minneapolis! Come on.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, I was perusing the bike book section of our local library and discovered that it has something for everyone. For "Freds" there is "Serious Cycling" for hipsters "Global Fixed Gear Cycling" and for the rest of us, your books.

africansingle said...

Jackie is just speeding away
Thought he was Giant King for a day
Then I guess he had to crash
Some seat lube would have helped that bash

jayteepee said...

I built myself a steampunk turntable whose drive mechanism is made solely from fixie parts. Unfortunately I've searched Sheldon Brown's site in a vain attempt to find the magical combination of cogs to give me the gear inches needed to play my LPs at a speed of something other than 52 and 7/16ths rpm.

bikesgonewild said...

...jayteepee...

...can you say 'alvin & the chipmunks'...

Fred Nifacent said...

Rectum? Damn near killed him...sorry...someone had to say it

Saddle Sore said...

Lanterne rouge ... turntabliste

P. Bateman said...

Anon - i agree about the Rega. but they tend to be a bit more pricey out of the box and i figured that since Snobberstein is a member of a certain dessert tribe that he might not want to spring the extra $60-$70 since that buys a LOT of bagels.

Dave said...

Unfortunately the golden age of dirt-cheap high-end yard-sale stereo gear is long over. About 20 years ago I bought beautiful turntables, receivers and speakers at about 5 cents on the dollar, making myself an audioweenie on the cheap; now I pay through the nose to repair them. They live in a child-proof closet.

Anonymous said...

Metal Up Your Ass.

windows 7 home premium product key said...

For example, persons can pin your web site to Home windows 8's new Commence microsoft office 2011 mac product key Display windows 7 professional product key screen, share your site with other people via its Charms bar, and access shortcuts in your material.