Thursday, February 28, 2013

Announcements and Events and New Stuff and Inventions and Life Is Just Exploding With Possibilities Today!

In yesterday's post, entitled "Harbinger of Scabies: The Mighty Mite That Might (Give You Scabies)," I used the word "theorum," and a reader tells me I should have written "theorem" instead:

Sadly, if Albert Einstein were still with us today, everybody would give him a bunch of crap for not wearing a helment, which would have inspired this theorum:  

theorem

Duly noted, and thanks, but I would remind anyone reading this blog to lower their expectations with regard to anything even remotely cerebral, since this is where I got my higher education, and I can assure you it was exactly as it's portrayed in the video.

This is not to say I haven't parlayed my mediocre state party school education into real-world success, for I just agreed to be the master of ceremonies at this event, which takes place in Williamsburg, Brooklyn on Wednesday, March 6th, at 8pm:


If you're unfamiliar with Brooklyn, it's a wealthy suburb of New York City and easily the most pretentious town on Long Island--so much so that it makes the entire North Shore seem like, well, what Brooklyn used to be like.  In fact, Brooklyn has become so precious that I swore off the place (and I'm pretty precious myself, so that says something), but I agreed to return because the opportunity to help a liquor company promote itself and promote myself at the same time was simply too good to pass up.

Anyway, you should come, because not only can you win a bike, but also because this is a great opportunity to get very drunk and laugh at me and not with me.  As for the performances by "The Babies and Nude Beach," I don't know if it's a band called "The Babies" and another band called "Nude Beach," or if it's one band called "The Babies and Nude Beach," or it's just a piece of performance art in which they cover the stage with sand and let a bunch of babies and naked people roll around on it, but whatever it is you can RSVP here and find out.

I'll do my best to make it fun, and if I fail you can blame the organizers and sponsors.  And let's hope nobody gets so drunk on Jack Daniel's that they die on the ride home, because that would be quite a publicity misfire.

Speaking of publicity, I've just been informed that the Giro New Road clothing collection embargo has been lifted.  Here's what the Giro New Road stuff looks like:


To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't have even remembered that the embargo was on if they hadn't emailed me to tell me it was off.  To be even more honest, I don't even really understand what an embargo is, or why you'd put one on bloggers.  I thought it's what you did to people like King Jong-un and Mahmoud Abdoujaparov.  I guess the point of this kind of embargo is that they spend a few months stroking and teasing a bunch of dorky bike bloggers into a state of hyper-arousal, but they time it so that the bloggers all climax in a sploodge of information on the same day, giving the the entire cycling world a great big marketing facial.

I feel so dirty, and so should you.

Cynicism aside, I do like the idea behind this stuff.  It seems like nice clothing in which to ride a bike, and the idea is basically that you can ride 200 miles and then go straight to your little cousin's Bar Mitzvah without going home and changing first because it has a collar and it's made out of merino so it won't smell.  (I mean you'll still smell, but the shirt won't).  It's all very 21st century, since if you haven't noticed we're now living in an age of dissolving boundaries and society is moving towards seamlessness and total integration.  Smartphones, connectivity, arriving at the Bar Mizvah, going commando, not changing, whipping that smartphone right out of the pocket of your Giro New Road shants and and transferring some gelt right into the Bar Mitzvah boy's account while he's still belting out the Haftarah...  I'm only half-Jewish and was never Bar Mitzvah-ed.  But that's not the point.  I went to a fuckload of them, and I wore a jacket with shoulder pads.  The point is different wardrobes for different stuff is sooo 20th century.  I can't wait until everybody is wearing all-purpose merino bodysuits everywhere they go.

This is only the beginning.

Oh, also, I have one of the t-shirts.  It looks like this:


It's very nice, but since it's still February I haven't yet worn it to make the biking--though I have been wearing it for running.  Yes, I'm still running semi-regularly.  Just imagine some dork dressed in a hodgepodge of cycling clothes stumbling around the neighborhood in a pair of bright white running shoes, flushed and panting with a bunch of snot running from his nose.  I look like some idiot that just got his bike stolen and failed to catch the thief--and this is before I've even started running.  It's an unmitigated fitness disaster.

Still, I think it's important.  You'll often read bikey types waxing pretentious about how suffering and grinding your way up long climbs builds character and leads to inspiration and self-discovery.  This is a load of crap.  What builds character is looking and feeling like a complete idiot while doing something you don't know how to do, and being mocked for it in the process.  It's not physical effort that builds mental fortitude; rather, it's embarrassment.  After awhile riding a bike simply isn't embarrassing anymore, and that's why I'm running--for that exhilarating moment when the real runners trot by me, giggle, and shake their heads with pity, or when a neighborhood child simply points and laughs.

Speaking of humiliating yourself in the name of athletic endeavor, there's now a comic devoted the exploits of the Cat 3 racer, as I've been informed by its creator:


Though it's sort of hard to get past the fact that no Cat 3 has legs that look like that:

Sure, Cat 3s think they have legs like that, so they shave them and tan them and slather them with unguents, but it's really all for nothing, because after all that their legs just end up looking like a pair of oily kosher franks.

In other product news, after watching someone who didn't know how to use a quick release try to remove his wheel, an engineering visionary has completely re-invented the system and made it far worse in the process--and needless to say he wants your money to fund this fatuous feat of reverse engineering:


Years ago, long-time bicycle enthusiast and three-dimensional mechanical designer, Leonard Ashman, was watching his father-in-law struggle trying to change his rear bike wheel. As Leonard watched, he had a flash of insight that after years of design, prototyping and testing lead to the industry-changing quick-release rear wheel axle design – HubDock.

If people re-invented every simple contraption after watching their inept fathers-in-law try to work them then we'd be living in a gigantic Rube Goldberg machine.  What is wrong with the quick release as we know it?  You flip it open, you pick up the bike, and the wheel falls out.  Maybe you have to nudge the derailleur a bit.  So why is this guy spinning and spinning it like it's a propeller?


Meanwhile, it looks like you have to unscrew the "HubDock," which basically makes it a glorified wingnut (to say nothing of its inventor).  Furthermore, because the cassette stays on the bike, you can't just switch to a different wheel with different gearing.  Still, "tests" reveal it's faster somehow:

Tests to date have shown that a wheel using the Liberty Wheel driven hub can be removed or replaced in as little as five seconds as compared with contemporary systems requiring between fifteen to twenty seconds or more.

Presumably their test subject was the guy in the video who puts his bike in a bizarre doggie-style position and then futzes with the skewer needlessly for half a minute before finally pulling the damn wheel out.

Lastly, a local cyclist appears to have had a thrilling daredevil encounter with a gay Orthodox Jew:



Orange skateboard and a death wish. - w4m (Greenwich Village)

We were side by side riding up Bedford, me on a white bike and with a white helmet, you on an orange skateboard and a rainbow knit beanie. You ducked under the side mirrors of the cars at the intersection of 7th and then sped off. I wanted to scream "Yeah! But be careful!" 


Please don't die, I want to ride with you again.

If you have a better explanation for a rainbow knit beanie then I'd like to hear it.

116 comments:

theEel said...

weed!!!

Anonymous said...

smoke weed everyday!

Anonymous said...

great minds think alike!

Anonymous said...

Myles Rockwell

Anonymous said...

Missy Giove

Serial Retrogrouch said...

dooky dooky

Anonymous said...

Stoners sweep the podium

Anonymous said...

TOOP TEEN

Anonymous said...

Aggh missed the break, no podium

babble on said...

I always feel dirty, and that's the way I like it...

babble on said...

Stoner kisses... xxx

mikeweb said...

Number 9, number 9, number...

RB1 said...

actually, if that hub dock thing worked, it'd be kind of cool. but imagine trying to track down squeaks and creaks coming from sources unknown towards the rear of the bike. *shudder*

Comment deleted said...

Man, I check in early and what do I get? A face full of splooge!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Slow release.

Anonymous said...

Babies and nude beaches--sounds like the kind of kiddie porn we'd associate with Jack Daniels--the South's revenge for losing the Civil War. That crap is proudly brewed and distilled by toothless rednecks in Lynchburg (no, no joke) Tennessee.

Anonymous said...

I would have been top ten but my Hubdock turned to spittle under the pressure.

ingpartum 1207

Anonymous said...

Dave Attell has some good jokes concerning Jack Daniels, alcoholism, and time travel.

JB said...

This is how Apple has ruined Amerika. Everything is supposed to be easily operable by your father-in-law, the first time, without reading the manual, or some asswipe starts a kickstarter to "fix" it.

Also, two-dimensional mechancial designers typically don't make it too far.

Also, also, that comic artists seems to really like drawing calves.

Paul Bowen said...

Top twenee!

babble on said...

erm... in the right light you can see a cut up the back of my legs sorta like that... and I am definitely not a cat 3 racer.

just sayin...

Paul Bowen said...

Must admit I like the black and red shirt.

Paul Bowen said...

My legs look like sculpted cable* and I've never raced.

*A dialect term meaning "lard".

McFly said...

Putting the bike in the smallest rear cog seems to facilitate wheel removal.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

like everything under the sun, that 'freewheel remains on the frame' was invented already decades ago (if not a century) by the french (i think... i can't remember the brand).

Don't these 'inventors' know how to g**gle seach??

g. said...

I would think that they know how, but hope you don't.

TYPO Alert "cothing" said...

Speaking of publicity, I've just been informed that the Giro New Road cothing collection

I

the commentariat said...

A half-breed? Say it ain't so.

Are you related to Injun Joe?

Didn't Cher write a song about you?

TYPO Stand Down said...

You are fast, my little Wildcat (Rock Machine).

babble on said...

mmmm splooge

mikeweb said...

I used to know Ken who does the Cat 3 comic. We used to train together back when I raced *mumble, mumble* years ago.

He's also a dentist and when I knew him he'd moved out to Colorado or Utah from Connecticut.

Some of the characters in his original comics were based on guys that he trained and raced with. Not including me, as far as I know.

Glad to see that he's still doing it.

kb said...

Thanks for mentioning www.cat3comic.com
Ken Benusis

Jimboner said...

tons o yucks today!

Comment deleted said...

Babs, I just *knew* that was going to be your follow-up!

Love you, girl.

Anonymous said...

If he'll add a way to use the removed rear wheel interchangeably on the front, he'll will have reinvented the Cinelli Bivalent system, which failed market tests 50 years ago...

Yarpo said...

"Three Dimensional Mechanical Engineer"...convinced himself that removing the rear wheel TAKES FOREVER yet overweight and swarthy Belgian mechanics manage to jump out of team cars and remove rear wheels from bicycles during races ALL THE FUCKING TIME at something approaching light-speed.

Maybe he should name it the tsfetys 148!!!!!!

Dumbass!

kb said...

Hi mikeweb,
Did you ride with Team Brava out of Danbury.
Did you run the great bike shop there?
Ken B

Anonymous said...

Yup, that sums up my experience at SUNY Stony Brook.

Except he left out the ketamine. And the acid. Yeah, the k and the acid.

Otherwise, spot on.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Wait... when I remove my rear wheel, I DON'T have to futz?

crosspalms said...

$130 for those Giro shorts and they have a button fly? Button fly = Hubdock.

I feel dirty said...

"climax in a sploodge of information on the same day, giving the the entire cycling world a great big marketing facial."

This sounds more like a bukkake situation.

Liquid gold here Snobby, liquid gold.

mmandr 5008

balls™ said...

Facials. There's something I've never understood. Who wants that on their face?

Anonymous said...

Now that you are a runner I expect commentary on ridiculous spokesperson contracts and damningof sweatshops in Asia

Anonymous said...

Theorummm, or "I don't know shiite about this, and I'm gonna let you know."

bikesgonewild said...

...cat 3 zombie cyclists...

...don't care what they're just sayin'...

...looks like cat 3 zombie cyclists...

mikeweb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

What kind of retard would want to pay to read those stupid comics.

Not a question, a statement.

mikeweb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Hey Ken, make your stupid comics free.

Sincerely,

Anon 1:17

mikeweb said...

$100 for under shorts?

Am I missing something? $100 under shorts, apparently...

Anonymous said...

Taking the Mrs. to Madison for the weekend.
We'll "borrow" a pair of bikes and ride around town for awhile.
Anyone like some cheese curds?
DB

Buffalo Bill said...

I made a beanie at camp when I was 9 and wore it all summer long, thinking it made me look cool. Sadly, beanies are not cool, and neither am I.

4977 numhol - actually it doesn't get numb until later.

mikeweb said...

Hey Ken, I did for team Zephyr, which was what Brava was renamed to about when I started. I used to go to the training sessions at Bethel Industrial Park. Usually BJ was there, and occasionally Pete J. Also the Sandy Hook to Pomperaug ride for the training circuit over there.

I used to work for Bike Express and briefly at Bethel Cycle, but didn't run either place...

babble on said...

CD-
:D thank you! Yes, I am kindov predictable, but honestly, what could be better than a whole bunch of splooge??

Dennis Hopper said...

Seriously dude, you just got linked from the most widely read cycling blog on the universe.

And all those good juicy clicks are gonna be wasted cause you need to make a pittance of your comics.

P. Bateman said...

is there some sort of adventure, intrigue or vendetta type action going on in those comics? not sure i get it.

it ain't no TMNT (b&w days) i know that. man,i miss those turtles.

jack daniels is just a crummy whisky. i'll take bourbon any day.

leroy said...

My dog told me he was impressed that the rapper didn't rhyme "SUNY" with "do me," "doobie," or "doodie."

And my dog isn't easily impressed.

Cipo said...

I've got plenty of splooge if anyone wants some.

Also, I can put it in your mouth if you don't want it in your face.

Anonymous said...

I grew up with the only Jewish kid in Iowa. Went to his Bar-Mitzvah. He got great gifts. I gave him a madras belt and the Hai Karate gift set.
DB

Frilly Chick said...

Snobbie, I bet you look fetch in your black & red running shirt.

And really haven't you learned from cycling? Step one is to look the part and then pray to Lob that your abilities catch up one day.

Anonymous said...

Snob,
When is your new book coming out?

Anxiously waiting.
2215 oposents

Terrence Trent D'Arby said...

Sign the blame across my fart,

I ate way too much gravy...

Anonymous said...

Well, Frilly..you LOOK the part in your brown and pearl inlays.

Did your abilities "catch up"?

babble on said...

Frilly - you're right, and you know he would look good in the shorts, too. He has a pretty cute bum, you know...

Anonymous said...

Too bad the Jack Daniels Handcrafted Event didn't book BlocBoi and YngRobb. I would go if they were playing.
and shit.
DB

Frilly Chick said...

Wow Anon 2:12, I'm blushing. I walked into that one. Hmmm, don't want to appear as a braggart and am too discreet to offer up testimonials. So perhaps the best way to answer is to say maybe that is a question (or challenge) for you.

Tweed said...

wow I can't count how many times I almost fell asleep trying to read this bored

Anonymous said...

The Babies and Nude Beach are actually two great bands! Long Island punx galore.

crosspalms said...

DB,
On the other hand you can have a beer at the brewery in Mineral Point on the way to Madison. Better than Jack Daniels.

Anonymous said...

Crosspalms:
Been to that brewery many times. Will hit Capital Brewery in Middleton as I think it's Bockfest this weekend.
I will also go to Lululemon and watch the ladies try on yoga wear while the Mrs. goes to Macy's.

babble on said...

Whatever gets the splooge moving...

Patrick C. said...

I, too, thought the t-shirt looked snazzy and appealing, at which point I surfed over to Giro's site and discovered that it costs $140.

$140, Snob? Even Rapha doesn't charge that much for their t-shirts, and they're sewn by Trappist monks at the most dizzying heights of the Pyrenees.

Or underpaid Chinese laborers. I forget.

Anonymous said...

Um. Snobbie you dis guys on bike trainers, yet admit to running?

117goadero

babble on said...

Cipo - splooge splooge everywhere, and all the cocks did shrink.
Splooge splooge everywhere
Nor any drop to drink.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I'm no bourbon snob like P.Bateman but I like Jack Daniels Honey. It's my favorite liquor.

Anonymous said...

Over the past few month, I wrestled down a bottle of Jack Daniel's. It made me think, that it would make more sense to get The Macallan Distillery to sponsor any event where whisky is the drug of choice. The flask might look pathetic but their whisky is rightout gorgeous.

Just my 2 Eurocents.

MAGgoT 7623 cciabia

Anonymous said...

1. Running is good, keep it up. Can't live by cycling alone.
2. I can think of many things that are better than a whole bunch of splooge. Does splooge come in a bunch?
3. that stripped shirt, awful, looks like something a hipster Charlie Brown would wear.
4. Babble, I don't want to hear about Snobs bum, ever. Please refrain from any further mention.
4. Cat3 comic guy, your exaggerated homoerotic renderings of cat 3 cyclists are disturbing

Anonymous said...

You paid $140 for a tee shirt made of wool?

JB said...

No, I expect they gave it to him.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:02pm,

Sure, it's not like I'm running on a treadmill.

Anonymous 3:28pm,

No.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

babble on said...

anon @ 3:23 - course it does. And a whole bunch of splooge means there's a whole bunch of happy people out there.

And since happiness is the goal of all other goals, a whole bunch of splooge is fabdabulous.

Also, sorry. Can't help it. I have a thing for great bums.

moochie said...

i got one of those t-shirts, says Molon Labe

Anonymous said...

you sucking on my cock gets my splooge moving.

Anonymous said...

Wildcat: re running vs treadmill. Fair enough.

@ Anon 1:20 (DB): The weather is not supposed to be great; bring layers. Skip the cheese curds and go for some 6 year or older cheddar instead.

900domilys

Anonymous said...

Can't believe I came home in 85th place. I was leading the race until my Hubdock snapped. What sort of an idiot decided it was 'clever' to split an axle in half?

Anonymous said...

Running?

Next we'll hear about SWIMMING and then his upcoming TRIATHLON.

It's a slippery slope, Snobbie.

Glorified Wingnut said...

So glad the nice people are hitting the top spot these days, not those lurky anon types.

Except for this anon "I will also go to Lululemon and watch the ladies try on yoga wear while the Mrs. goes to Macy's" - I totally relate to this…

bikesgonewild said...

...i'm still trying to figure out the title of yesterday's blog...

...i'm hoping for 'clif notes' on today's...

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

and the comments section gets not just a few of us fired today

McFly said...

My brother and I practice those "Tur Day Frants Wheel Quick-Change" deals on the side of the road. I play the mechanic role as he pretends to yell at me in fractured Italian.

So far our personal best is 4:18.

I think we could shave a good minute off that time if he would unclip and get off his damn Cannondale.

McFly said...

My brother and I practice those "Tur Day Frants Wheel Quick-Change" deals on the side of the road. I play the mechanic role as he pretends to yell at me in fractured Italian.

So far our personal best is 4:18.

I think we could shave a good minute off that time if he would unclip and get off his damn Cannondale.

babble on said...

SnobBUMs is announcing his announcements at the upcumming booze-cycling event, and life is exploding with sploogely possiblilities today.

Anonymous said...

At what point does splooge become smutz?? just asking.

Dave said...

Actually, I'd buy the hub dock, because the one and only bad thing about my Barcroft SWB is that the rear wheel is insanely difficult to remove. I'd even fund the damn thing if only they didn't play that deedly-deedly guitar throughout the totally earnest video. So if they do produce 100, they'll sell at least one.

babble on said...

Never ever. Smutz can inspire splooges, but splooge is splooge no matter how much of it you're wearing.

Anonymous said...

Hubdock: "Oh chef of the future, can it core a apple?"

dnk said...

that SUNY video made my day....

Vegas said...

Top hunerd. Too gorgeous out here to show up to work on time without riding a bikecycle.

That bikecycle ain't got normal qr skewers, either. It's got these DT Swiss RWS ones. No cams, they're screwy. Literally.
CC - Review DT Swiss RWS Skewers

babble on said...

Yeah yeah rub it in.

I got a flat in the middle of the pineapple express chucking it down on us out there, and no quick release in sight.

We're in for 100 mm (nearly 4in of rain by Saturday morning.)

Anonymous said...

The public face of "American bicycling" is the pretentious person who valiantly rides an expensive drop bar bicycle, while boldly wearing stupid form fitting clothes, AND while heroically complaining about the whole process AND at the same time staring the rest of us down as if we are the sick ones. With “advertising” such as that, why would the “normal American” want to embrace cycling? Ms. Babble on’s photo of herself, on her Dutch bike wearing her rain coat: now that a fun and inspiring picture of bicycling. And besides, even Einstein rode a cruiser (or at least a European version thereof).

babble on said...

Thank you! That is very kind of you.

I lurrrrrrrrve to get all kitted out in the spandex, though, with the goofy shoes, and hit the roads on my Lynskey....

Worse, no matter what I am on, I am the worst sort of cat 6 cyclist. I do treat stop signs as yields, I do jump the red when the intersection is clear (safer for me to be in front and seen) and I do swear loudly at stupid human tricks (it's easier than installing a horn.)

You probably wouldn't like me at all.

wishiwasmerckx said...

European version?

You do know that Einstein was a professor at Princeton University, right?

sbarner said...

The bikedock looks like an updated version of the Cinelli Bivalent hub system of the 1970s. It is actually a really good idea. Who wouldn't prefer to not have to keep their hands clear of a greasy chain while fixing a flat, switching back into the right gear to start riding again, or tearing off a chain peg because you forgot you hooked the chain on it? I especially like the idea of the chain and cog staying together when stowing the bike inside the car. The downside to good ideas like this, though, is poor parts availability if they don't have widespread adoption, but then, how many other systems have experienced similar fates? It's not such a big deal in a throw-away society like ours has become.

Anonymous said...

Ms. babble on, an angry outburst at an indiscretion is one thing, but outright contempt for the non-roadie cylist is still another. And treating stops signs as yields and stop lights as stop signs is progressive, at least here in Idaho. And no doubt you look great in lycra.

Anonymous said...

Mr. wishiwasmerckx, I meant no disrespect to the European bike. I was imply being Ameracentric buy using the term cruiser. I'm not worldly but I have never heard the European use that term for their wonderful bikes.

I don't know about Dr. Einstein's education or work history, all I know of by the picture of him on the bike is that it is not a drop bar bike and he appears to be enjoying himself.

Grump said...

Snobby, FYI, Cat 3 comics were around 15-18 years ago. Different artwork, but same stories. You could "mail" in a check for $3, and they would "mail" you an issue back. (how 90's) He worked out of some place in South Dakota.
.
.

Anonymous said...

I'm the Anon who's the former SUNY Albany English professor's kid. Two observations:

(1) He passed on a few years ago at an advanced age; I do miss him, but the fact that he didn't have to see that video gives me some consolation.

(2) They very effectively hid the Edward Durrell Stone campus, and in fact all the city scenes were of NYC rather than Albany. I wonder why?

DaveXxX said...

The Cat 3 Comic seems to have been written by a failed porn writer. I was expecting the diner scene to end with rubbing oil on each others' legs and a sploogie facial...

ge said...

Snob, some readers don't appreciate the subtle nuances of your prose (that's the great thing about typing - I don't have to do it with a straight face). The fact that you wrote helment and theorum in the same sentence just isn't enough of a cue for us. You should have mentioned Albert's breakless cycling as well. We're not a cultchurred bunch.

fanumpla 606 - fanumpla, that's a funny word.

ge said...

Forgot to ask, did he even call you out on helment or has that become an accepted spelling now?

Anonymous said...

The rainbow knitted beanie is the preferred headwear of the Rastafarian.

Could be a gay Rastafarian, but only incidentally.

babble on said...

OH MAAAAAAAN!!

I would so love to come and help you with those oodles of bottles of Tennessee Whiskey, Snobber-doodles.

babble on said...

ge ++ too funny!

cheers, anon... :)

McFly said...

There is a big ride in these here parts called the Jack-N-Back. You ride to Lynchburg from Rashville and drink alot of liquor and then ride back the next day.

They rent a Greyhound with a big flatbed trailer for the N-Back part cause so many people get shit faced.

Frilly Chick said...

McFly--I was just looking at the website and was surprised it is an MS ride. MS and Jack Daniels-talk about strange bedfellows.

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