Thursday, January 24, 2013

Wurst Fajita Ever: Freeloaders of the World Unite

In yet another stunning pro cycling revelation, it appears that three-time Tour de France winner Greg LeMond may have been involved in a Taco Bell commercial during the height of his career:



This was not long after Taco Bell introduced America to the fajita, widely regarded as the EPO of ersatz Mexican food.  "Think of it as a Mexican steak sandwich," Taco Bell explained helpfully in the commercial, leading to widespread fears that the fajita was going to steal jobs from hardworking American steak sandwiches.  Nevertheless, the peloton embraced the fajita, and its use was widespread until 2008, when two Slipstream-Chipotle riders where killed in a tragic Tour of California podium fart-and-fall:


Since then, the UCI's "flatulence passport" has gone a long way towards reducing fajita use in the pro ranks, though a code of "omerta" still reigns, and the prevailing attitude in the peloton is still very much "Whoever smelt it, dealt it."

Speaking of eating, Jan Ullrich still ain't talkin':


(Talk about a rundfahrt!  Nobody put away the fajitas like Ullrich.)

He may break wind, but he's not breaking his silence:


While Armstrong admitted his doping past in an interview with talk show host Oprah Winfrey earlier this month, Ullrich refuses to break his silence.

"I will certainly not go Armstrong's way and speak in front of millions of people, even if some of them ask me repeatedly and perhaps expect to hear something," Ullrich told Focus magazine. "I live in the here and now and I am very happy." 

Yeah, right.  I give him two weeks before he's on German Oprah:


(German Oprah is way more fun than American Oprah.)


Or maybe German Ellen:


(German Ellen is way more homoerotic than American Ellen.)

Or maybe even German "The View:"


(German "The View" is much less menopausal than American "The View.")

Ullrich may already be a member of the clean plate club, but it may finally be time for him to join the clean conscience club.


("I'm eating my guilt in wurst form!")

Speaking of gas, you know how some drivers think it's all right to run you off the road since they pay for it and you don't?  Well, that's not exactly how it works:

Unfortunately it's far too difficult to convey all of this information during a roadside altercation in which words are at a premium, so if you're looking for effective shorthand just stick with calling the driver a "freeloading cocksucker."  That should go a long way towards diffusing the situation.

By the way, a few days ago I was DRIVING MY CAR THAT I OWN (unlike David Byrne and exactly like the freeloading cocksucker that I am) and I was waiting at a red light.  In front of me was a woman in a BMW, and in front of her was someone who didn't realize you could make a right turn on red at this particular intersection.  First, the woman in the BMW started beeping like a lunatic.  Then, the light finally turned green and she sped off, nearly hitting a very startled woman in the crosswalk who still had the "walk" signal.  After that, she pursued and deliberately cut off the driver who had "delayed" her for what amounted to maybe nine seconds.  

As it happened, moments later, the woman in the BMW and I ended up parking almost right next to each other.  Sliding out the window of my General Lee replica, I then approached her and politely pointed out that she could have easily killed the woman in the crosswalk.  The bullet points of her defense were as follows:
  • The woman she almost hit should not have been "standing in the middle of the street."
  • She herself was "Not from around here."  (Her license plate said that she was from Connecticut, where presumably it is okay to run down pedestrians in crosswalks.  I recommended she go back where she came from.  She did not like that, even though it was good advice.)
  • Anyway, I should leave her alone because her kids were in the car.  (Apparently they have the emotional fortitude to witness road rage and homicidal driving, but not neighborly concern.)
  • I should "Go to hell."
With that, she slammed her car door and strode angrily into Talbots:



I guess I can't blame her for almost running somebody over, because that's a great fucking deal on some cardigans.

Anyway, if you're also flush with cardigan savings, you may want to take advantage of a unique investment opportunity to which I was recently alerted by the inventors:



Basically, it appears to be a social networking bicycle app designed to transform unwitting victims into vampires.  I was immediately suspicious when I met the head of "business development:"


That guy is so a vampire.  Anybody who wears a bowtie is a vampire.

Next, my suspicions were confirmed when the subject of the video rode down a flight of steps:


And then encountered two figures standing before a mysterious statue:


Who slowly turn, revealing the bloodlust in their eyes;


We don't actually see the attack, but this guy has obviously just been bitten and is now undergoing the process of vampirification:


And this guy's not even trying:


Invest at your own risk.

115 comments:

done said...

done

velobotomy said...

Ooh la la!

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW THE CAP BROKE OFF AND CHOKED ME AND TACO BELL RECALLED THOSE PROMOTIONAL BOTTLES!

Anonymous said...

TOOP TEEN

Anonymous said...

I am not a robot! I am a free man!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

41 rnwebse

Anonymous said...

RIDE ON THE SIDEWALK WHERE YOU BELONG!!!

(that's my favorite)


balls™

Anonymous said...

Missed it by that much

Buffalo Bill said...

Vampires here too? That sucks.
717 cutall

boys on the hoods said...

top ten

gesORuc 5460
wtf??

Grumpy german said...

Yes! Oktoberfest! Munich! local girls in local dresses!

Home! And yes, cycling is great over here too

Ich bin immer nocht kein Roboter

Anonymous said...

They can't be vampires. None of them are in the least good looking or rich enough. Fail.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

General Lee replica?!

You are so lucky.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Recumbent Conspiracy Theorist,

Not really, it's just a Hyundai painted like the General Lee.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

PS: I duct-taped the doors shut.

crosspalms said...

Beano. Maybe even German Beano.

mikeweb said...

Very high Dirndl count in today's post.

I went to Oktoberfest once and don't remember a thing. That seems to be the whole point of it as far as I can tell.

Bunk said...

Clean podium!

Guys?

No?

Okay..

Bill Nye said...

I am not a vampire!

3G said...

Moose & Squirrel!

Jed said...

VAMP FART
BLUD FART
CUNT FART

OUST MIT DEM

Comment deleted said...

Mikeweb beat me to it, but...

more dirndls or imafuckinkillya.

Anonymous said...

It looks to me like the love track is designed for the king of "cyclists" that bring their toddlers and dogs out on the trails on Sunday afternoon and stand over their bikes in the middle of the trail, letting the kids/dogs wander unfettered while they alk or take pictures of stupid shit, then yelling at people who are actually, you know, riding bikes on the trail. Personally, I'd rather see the vampires.

Marcel Da Chump said...

German Oprah beer farts.

grog said...

Not General Lee.
I usually order General Chicken.
COLD CHIC
MEXS TEAK
MISS BABE

McFly said...

Speaking of FARTS, in 15 years my wife had only farted audibly 3 times (she blames her shoe rubbing something everytime), and now 4 as of last night. She was doing reverse sit-ups with her feet in the air and ripped one and instinctively said "It was my shoe". Babygirl pointed out that her shoes were 3 ft in the air.

DB said...

Those Ellens are going to mess me up all day. I am so going to Oktoberfest this year.
Here in Ragbrai country, cyclists are loved one week a year. The other 51 weeks we are called targets.

Anonymous said...

STILL LOVE YOU LANCE!

Harold said...

Good for you, Snob, for confronting crazy/impatient Lady driver. In my Walter-Mitty mind, I also confront social scofflaws [but, in practice, I usually defer to my inner "laugh track," which tells me that crazy people are often armed].

Dave said...

I am Vampire Robot Spartacus. Today, anyway.

Distant cousin of The King of Park Slope said...

Ow mooch for zeese German Ellens?

I vant to buy zem.

Anonymous said...

yeah, I said it. My love for Lance is unconditional.

mikeweb said...

I suspect that when Recumbabe is not sitting around with no clothes on, she wears a Dirndl.

Astroluc said...

"bow-ties are cool"

Jon Webb said...

Bicyclists and motorcylists subsidize all other road users, and car drivers subsidize trucks and buses. Figured on a per-mile basis, and ignoring speed, here is the approximate road damage of different vehicles, taking car as 1: bike 6.2E-6, motorcycle 2.4E-4, pickup 2.4-111, bus 2.4E+4, 18-wheeler up to 8.3E+4.

Anonymous said...

TIME VMPR

Paul Bowen said...

I'll admit to a German-Ellens-induced fluffy.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Ersatz? Somebody went to college and started a bike blog.

Mehr Brot bitte said...

Deutsch Oprah auch Kämpfe mit ihrem Gewicht. Als Beweis wird sie trinken ein kleines Bier.

Anonymous said...

Baked beans are the way forward.

thrrrp.

hey nonny mouse

wishiwasmerckx said...

learned a new word today. Did not know that that traditional tribalwear was called a Dirndl. I thought it was called a Burka.

babble on said...

The boss sent me home yesterday, saying "Don't come back till you're well." I've been in bed for almost 24 hours now. Alone! :(

I woke up ten minutes ago, still feeling yucky, when lo and behold, what do I see? German Ellens.

Thank you Snobbers. You made my day.

Anonymous said...

not sure i inderstand why the lovetrack guys need monies? i mean, it's an app. there aren't any hardware costs! are they asking us to pay for their pizza while they code or something?

Fred Nifacent said...

Tacos, Tit tays and tuna-heads...what Tursday.
If you stare long enough into that last guys eyes I am afraid you will be compelled by some supernatural power to contribute.

Spoooooky

Anonymous said...

heute habe ich einen kuchen gebacken und ein auto gewaschen


hamanun

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Nah I'm gonna just keep staring at the Ellens.

Anonymous said...

The head of "business development" is a vampire. He does not blink even once.

Anonymous said...

Thiose Vampires schauen, wie sie den Scranus, das ist schön wird saugen

Anonymous said...

Babs,

Don't you Canuckians get unlimited sick days or something up in America's toque?

Anonymous said...

They can't be vampires, they don't sparkle.

(See, you can learn something useful from a 10 year old niece!)

Justine Valinotti said...

Do vampires eat fajitas? If so, does it speed up or amplify their vampirification?

I'll tell you what's even worse than eating a fajita: using the word "vampirification" outside of a doctoral dissertation or scholarly monograph!

No Spandex Mommy said...

Nothing says fart like your blog on Thursday. Just in case you missed the fart patio on your trip to Portland here it is in use: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsowLJU1GGM

CommieCanuck said...

I can't tell the difference between Jan Ullrich and Oprah. Both rich, both eat too much strudel, both white...


Don't you Canuckians get unlimited sick days or something up in America's toque?


I'll field this one. Jobs in Canada, America's foreskin, are not quite like down south. You go to a place for 9-5, drink coffee, take breaks, move paper between cubicles and take 50 weeks holiday, although the line between when a person is actually on holiday and at work can be very fuzzy. Same in the government, except there you get a massive pension. I'm promoting the installation of heart rate monitors to actually tell if someone behind the desk is alive, we tried brain wave monitors, but the results were inconclusive. Canadian office workers and zombies have exactly the same brain wave patterns.

(Dictated to my Assistant's assistant, forwarded to his aid, and then sent finally by someone in a cubicle in Mumbai)

CommieCanuck said...

Yesterday was Weedless Wednesday in America's nipple pastie.

babble on said...

anon@ 2:27- the man is in a union and I think he has something like two and a half years of sick days accrued.

I am most definitely NOT a union member. We get six days a year, and they don't accrue year upon year.

Fortunately, until this week, I haven't had to use any sick days in several years. I credit my bike for keeping me healthy... :)

babble on said...

Commeie Canuck - Haven't they heard??! Wednesday is the BEST day for weed!

Perry said...

Jan "The Big German" Ulrich may not be talking, but is he dealin' and sme(e)llin'? His present food intake would indicate that he has something with which to deal.

Jimboner said...

Ellens I would like to introduce you to Colonel Angus!

Deus ex machina said...

When a robot blows a gasket, it sounds remarkably like a fart.

I won't comment on the associated hydraulic leaks.

Anonymous said...

du hast mich

PatrickBateman said...

is there any blog dedicated solely to kissing germanweissen girls?

Dooth said...

The German Ellens are simultaneously kissing and farting.

bikesgonewild said...

...i prefer fajitas but the shape of tacos always rings my bell...

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

I betray my plebeian, nay crass even and low brow taste; the grrls from "the View" please; quantity over Dirndl anytime.

And for discussions with Talbotians in BMWs, a frozen metal water bottle makes a nice startling loud noise when swung into roof trunk or hood. I'm not advocating violence...it just happens to happen.

leroy said...

Oh great.

There is no way I continue to win my double or nothing bet with my dog on the duration of McFly's decency pledge after today's post.

(BSNYC-- I was once told that when raising kids, don't assume that because they ignore you, they didn't hear you. I think that applies to the foreigner in the BMW too.)

PhilboydStunge said...

Snobby you still got it! I've been away for a while, my new boss wanted me to work instead of looking at "humorous" blogs all day. He's history now, I'm still here, and YOU STILL GOT IT! So you have a car? Did you run over David Byrne? Do you drive in a chicken suit? Since its the same color as a Orange Julius can we assume it is an ironic General Lee?

Redneck Flyover bike commuter said...

First, how does the Yankee population of NYC, Connecticutt, and NJ like the "Southern Cross" on the General's roof?

Second, is that a vampire leech or tick? He sure doesn't look like any sort of vertebrate, mammalian blood sucker.

Third, real fajitas are "low-residue", meaning they don't produce much gas. I don't what Taco Bell was passing (pun intended) as fajitas in NYC, but they shouldn't have been gassy.

Fourth, I'm subscribing to german cable, so I can see German "Ellen", and " The View", which seem as nonsensical as the American versions, but oh-so-more fascinating and viewable.

e). Given the recent tragedy in Newtown, you'd think that the self-centered driver would know better than to blame the helpless victim.

Last, Volle fahrt voraus!!

Senator Douche' Scumbaggs IV said...

After reading today's blog post one cannot deny that BSnyc is most obviously DOPING!

I recommend that a Congressional Investigation be convened immediately to get to the bottom of this mess.

Cipo said...

Back in the day I recall being in situ with a German bier mistress who sucked me bratwurst so successfully that my lederhosen actually exploded!

She survived but sustained major brain damage and is now a Neonazi pleather clad whipping strumpet and a major Bundestag legislative representative who has successfully run for election seven times in succession.

bikesgonewild said...

...if it's a hyundai, no matter what the tribute paint scheme, it's more general tso than general lee...

...maybe add straight pipes to give it some kung pao...

..."...that to go ???"...

bikesgonewild said...

...if bsnyc/rtms/wcrm is doping, it's only to level the playing field...

wishiwasmerckx said...

The word is Lycanthropy...

Anonymous said...

* sammich

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

"that's a great fucking deal on some cardigans".
Not just any cardigans, but actual full price cardigans you know…
I bet that bow-tie vampire guy pays full price for his cardigans.
Just a shame that the cardigan model had the least impressive cleavage of anyone featured today, including 'man-boobs' Jan of course.

WIWM - the word for what? I mean, I know what it means, but what are you getting at here? This was not your captcha was it?

Anonymous said...

Yesterday I failed to read the daddy article and left a misinformed comment. I realized that blunder after reading th article and finding it quite nice.

I did watch this love track add. I would say that while the technology is clever and the guys are very endearing and foreign.

It is like Strava but nice and friendly, as other startups are like other startups but are different in one key way, thereby worthy of large investments and gratuitous buyouts from large tech companies, who happen to be brimming with cash.

What is wrong with that?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Lumpen, I was referring to either Dirndl or vampirification; I forget which...

crosspalms said...

Those German photos look like they're all from an episode of "Glee."

bikesgonewild said...

...ahwooooooooo, woof woof, ahwooooooooo !!!...

...old habits die hard...ahwooooooooo...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

Looks like Jan Ullrich would like to suckle his giant serving of obazda (basically some kind of bavarian hummus)from German Oprah's cleavage.

MAGgoT

babble on said...

... and then the teacher said "Uranus is one of the gas giants!"

Steven said...

My greatest fear is hipster zombies.

That and Lemond getting caught for doping.

Fred Schneider said...

The Love Track
is a little old place where
we can get together.

Love Track baby!

Anonymous said...

LeMond delivered fajitas...wow. Lance's legal bills dilemma solved! So Louisiana is America's scranus?

bikesgonewild said...

...re: werewolves...as much as i always appreciated that now departed 'excitable boy' warren zevon, i find his contention that
" He (the werewlolf in question) was lookin' for the place called Lee Ho Fooks
...Gonna get a big dish of beef chow mein..."
to be patently absurd...

...any manbeast used a diet of fresh bloody flesh (say THAT 3X fast & i'll buy you dinner at lee ho fooks) would not even consider a cooked beef dish & would opt for something light (perhaps tofu stir fry) until such time as a victim could be procured, which would be quite likely to happen in a city the size of london...

...i've just always been irked by that passage within the lyrics of an otherwise delightful song...

...okay...got that off my chest, time to go to work...

babble on said...

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

babble on said...

Sorry... blame it on the flu. I'm sick.

babble on said...

The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is DEFINITLY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."

Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITLY blue."

The teacher says; "Not necisarrily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."

Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.

The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"

Johnny says " I have a question."

OK lets hear it, says the teacher.

Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "Well no they don't."

Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITLY just shit my pants!!!"

babble on said...

The intertubes just make it too easy.

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and the bartender says, "I was talking to the duck!"

Friendo said...

CUNT DRVR
BLUD LUST

Brian said...

Its Strava for Artisan Fathers.

Nostradamus said...

Anon 2:19: That Martin Amis sure is smart, knows German and everything.

Cipo 3:57: Michele Bachmann moved to Germany and got elected, who knew?

German Ellens: One breast pushed against one breast equals one babe. One stein pushed against one stein equals "make it a double".

My fav from drivers: "Get the fuck out of the road"

Babble-on: "Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, then you haven't got anything." from The Princess Bride.


DB said...

Gentlemen! And of course, Babble.
I have found the Snobs source of Dirndl photos.
The 100 Sexiest Dirndl Girls in Oktoberfest History.
www.ranker.com/list/the-100-sexiest-dirndl-girls-from.../greg

Lunch Strongarm said...

Since I quit doping. You know, since I've been 'clean' I've found that I'm really really uncomfortable around dopers. So snob I'll be sending over a UCI certified pee-pee testing team at a random time and date to be determined by me.

I really cannot read a bike blog authored by a doper*.



*any natural vegetable product is not dope. It is a vegetable.

What! said...

The lunatic is on the grasss ...

DB said...

Oh, and I always liked Ullrich and Pantani.
Get well, Babble.

Bogusboy said...

Roger the bowtie/vampire connection.

http://www.williamsfortexas.com/

He claims to be all about education, but I know a bloodsucker when I see one....

8ThingsTouching said...

It's girls like this that causes so many accidents.

babble on said...

Thank you for your well wishes, gentlemen.... and there's an idea...but wait... is it possible that I haven't seen The Princess Bride in nearly TWO years...??!

INCONCEIVABLE!

Anonymous said...

I'd say about 75% of my (rare) altercations with motorists are douchebags in BMWs. the rest are usually a cab driver who had a recent run-in with lucas brunelle or a construction worker driving a truck for the first time in the city and is confused and angered by "hipsters" (i.e. anyone who isn't obese and not driving a car to go to places)

rockandrollcannibal said...

What is this strange city the LoveTrack people are in? They have bi-directional bike lanes that are only wide enough for one bike. You can see clearly at 0:37

McFly said...

Babble On 5:50,

When she went for the field goal the husband should have "blocked it".

McFly said...

This one is for Leroy.


bettgui722(Bet Guy?)

Ali Sohail said...

http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/2013/01/wurst-fajita-ever-freeloaders-of-world.html

Pervy Pervison said...

Forget German Ellens. That's Pussy-On-A-Stick.

I want to lay some LoveTracks on German Oprahs' ample bossom andd watch her wash it off with a mug of warm brew.

BREW SPEW

BIGN BRWN

bikesgonewild said...

...last week you were party girl...this week you're potty girl...

...but get mo' better, babble...

agentdetroit said...

thanks for mentioning the greg lemond/taco bell connection. i have a recalled water bottle and recall notice saved for just this occasion. ebay here i come! i will be able to quit my day job, if i had one. a mention in your blog always adds value (like it did for my blood-soaked top tube pad). good job, (insert appropriate acronym here)! btw, the bottle was manufactured by specialized. were all specialized bottles recalled?

babble on said...

Awwww maaaaaan! I was starting to feel much better, but then I heard the Robba the Fords won his appeal and is still Mayor Robba the Fords.

Thanks, BGW. xo

Anonymous said...

According to the interwebs, the right on red law was enacted as a fuel saving measure during the 70's to cut down on time spent idling. With current traffic sensor technology I think the law is at best redundant. It's unsafe and makes drivers feel like they can use the roads anyway they want.

JNEB said...

https://vimeo.com/58191312#
Armstrong singing Creep.
"I'm the one getting screwed here"

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