Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Great Cover-Up: Dermal Revisionism

Generally speaking, I don't have time for regret, and I feel it's best to make a quick peace with your mistakes and move on.  I mean, who hasn't had a few too many vodka Kool-Aids and shaved the cat?  Nevertheless, I admit that recent events have caused me a small amount of regret with regard to my Lance Armstrong tattoo:


However, I'm pleased to report that after an "epic" sixteen-hour cover-up session I've now transformed it into something I can wear with dignity for the rest of my life:


Of course, quality ink like this is expensive, so it will probably be another few years until I save up enough money to cover up that Rock Racing tattoo.

By the way, the artist responsible for the Robs Halfords transformation is an esoteric character known as "BK Jimmy," whose other works include this, this, and even this.

But not this:


If you've ever forgotten how to have sexual intercourse midway through you know how embarrassing that can be, and clearly this person is not about to let it happen again.

In other Lance Armstrong news, as his mounting legal fees become increasingly burdensome, word is that he's seeking more affordable representation and has engaged the experts at Macks Solicitors.  Here's their advertisement, as forwarded to me by a reader.


Hit by a "lorry?"  Crashed into a pedestrian in a "ZEH-bra crossing?"  Crushed your "bollocks" on your "topping tube?"  Then hire Macks!  They have the Bret seal of quality, so you know they're good.

Speaking of Bret, his ubiquity has reached the point where I'm beginning to believe he's actually a vital clue in the universal Easter egg hunt for spiritual enlightenment.  That's why I am now resolved to do whatever he tells me to do.  If he tells me to hire Macks Solicitors, then I will hire Macks Solicitors.  If he tells me to make a difference with a career in biology, I will make a difference with a career in biology:


(Spotted by another reader.)

And if he tells me to strap a reflective armband around my diminutive bicep, you better believe I'm going to do that too:


(Spotted by Erik K)

I was glad to see the package designers went so far as to add the armband to Brett:


However, I was dismayed that the phone on his arm doesn't have a picture of Bret wearing an armband with a phone with a picture of Bret wearing an armband with a phone with a picture of Bret wearing an armband with a phone with a picture of Bret wearing an armband with a phone with a picture of Bret I feel dizzy.



I also feel dizzy when I look at this:


Please note that I have nothing whatsoever to do with this lube.  I'm merely puzzled as to why someone would put a pennyfarthing on a chain lube container.

Because, like, not to get all tech-geek on you, but pennyfarthings don't have chains.  

Anyway, the point is that I have accepted Bret as my Fredly shepherd through life, though it does suck to learn that he's doping:


(Spotted by yet another reader.)

In other doping news, Levi Liepheimer, America's most adequate professional cyclist, has participated in an unsanctioned mountain bike ride despite currently serving a token suspension:

In other words, he's done absolutely nothing wrong, which makes this story about as controversial as Leipheimer's riding style is dynamic.

Lastly, I was reading the New York Times Real Estate section recently because it is fucking hilarious (read this if you don't believe me), where I learned about a New Jersey housing development for "nice" people:


Jackson Twenty-One is a plan long in development for an entirely new village of sorts in central New Jersey, with apartments and stores, a hotel and an Imax movie theater, surrounded by hundreds of acres of green space. It will have an eye toward creating a community for artists, and also, the developer insists, toward “nice” people. All in all, the proposal and its packaging are as idealistic, ambitious and delightfully unusual as the man behind it, the Tony Award-winning composer of “Man of La Mancha,” and the white-haired man from the commercials, Mr. Leigh.

Intrigued, I visited the website, and despite the fact it's supposed to be an idyllic place for nice artsy people to traipse around I didn't see a single bicycle in any of the illustrations:



Nice people my ass.  This development sucks.

91 comments:

Anonymous said...

POOO DIUMM+

vantage said...

podium?

1425 ailehod

vantage said...

rct, yer losing the race....

Anonymous said...

Top 10!!

Anonymous said...

I fucked your chicken!

Anonymous said...

TOP TEN ARE DOPERS no official winner

agentdetroit said...

top ten, bitches!

Big Charlie said...

YOu spelled the tattoo wrong. It's "Rob Ford".

Sheesh.

Astroluc said...

Pugilistic parakeets punch parallel parking prius'

dirtbag said...

is weed a performance enhancing drug?

3G said...

FARBMEN

4 encretur

ge said...

Well, at least Levi can race in unsanctioned events; Lance can't even do that - because HE'S DEAD (Oprah Ouijaed her way into the interview). Lance can't even do a fun run - he got a DEATH SENTENCE.

mikeweb said...

Read first. I've seen 'ad verts' on the 'telly' for that development for 'nice' people.

I also participated in an unsanctioned foffing off event over the weekend. Very undynamic.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Judas Armstrong

higntat 8295

Mobile Commie said...

Livestrong bands can be recycled into cock rings. For some of us (fnarr, fnarr).

theEel said...

weed.

belligero said...

Papyrus... what a "nice" font. How apt.

babble on said...

Having sex is like riding a bike... if you forget how, you probably have Alzheimers and your days are numbered.

babble on said...

Aw fuck. I think I'm a spambot. Can't read the stinking captcha.

McFly said...

I hear Lance has retained Matthew McConaughey to act like a lawyer and take his shirt off and get in Travis Tygarts' face and get all excited [like he does when he is convincing you] and start bouncing around until his charming routine disarms the CEO and USADA drops everything.

grog said...

So, is Brett one of the "nice" people?

NICE HOME
NEED BABE

McFly said...

Q: How do you know when you have stage 4 Alzheimers?

A: Potato Salad.

Mobile Commie said...

This reminds me of that subdivision for total pricks I invested in a few years ago. XL Hummer garages, no sidewalks, no biek lanes. Every house got three kinds of cable tv. Buses were labelled as "loser shuttles". A liter of milk bag was a minimum 30 minute drive from anywhere. Dunno what came of it, some rumors indicate its now called "Toronto" . Sounds made up.

babble on said...

Dearest Snobbums, the lube is so you can grease your chain, and you'd have plenty of chances to use it if you had come to TABOO with me this weekend.

sigh...

next year? say yes say yes say yes

Anonymous said...

The Old Caz Hopper was well attended and arduous as usual, but I think Levi used it as a warmup for his usual routine of riding 5 billion miles a day.

Fashion Report 2013:
tall black socks are still ok

happolar1716

Comment deleted said...

I first satori'd as a youngster looking at a Boy Scout manual that had a picture of a Boy Scout carrying the Boy Scout manual...that had a picture of a Boy Scout carrying the Boy Scout manual...

Infinite regression FTE*.

*Enlightenment

streepo said...

scranus

DNK said...

This breaking news just in: your "Robs Halfords" tattoo is a double plural. Don't worry though, you can change it to Ted Nugent.

Mobile Commie said...

McFly, I heard it was Tom Cruise, and he was going to shout with conviction in court. Failing that, escape to moonbase alpha on Ron Hubbard's flying saucer.

DB said...

All of the nice people live in the Midwest and I don't think they'll want to move to New Jersey.

ken e. said...

hilarious!

SEAT LUBE
BRET DIZY
LAFF HOME

Anonymous said...

this is the type of development that goes up in the netherlands. it would be too easy to blame legal weed (an endless house that is endlessly building and devouring itself), but since it's the dutch and they're into bicycle-cycling I'm saying it's a house with a built-in velodrome to which a first year architecture student who just learned how to use 3D software applied " manipulations" to. either way it'll be a 5 million dollar concrete vagina you can ride your bike in.

The King of Park Slope said...

The third "this" is a broken link ...

... and "nice" = "white" ...

... like, duh.

Comment deleted said...

Babs, I was spellbound by your boring video. I think you live in the most beautiful city on earth (at least as seen from bicycle paths).

DB said...

I'm going to read Babble's blog for the tenth time today.

Buffalo Bill said...

Nice cars.
I think the one in the background might be a torsockh 5561.

le Correcteur said...

Dutnfor Top 40!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Yeah I read babbles blog today too. And had a lunchtime rendezvous to attend. No time for asinine podium racing.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The Bike Snob Wet or Dry lube says that if you use it Ms. next door might even invite you over for tea and crumpets -Sweet!


Theisth 7730

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Vantage and Anon: thanks guys for keeping my steps warm.

Anonymous said...

Letle Viride!

Beaver Commander said...

PAGING BABBLE ON! BABBLE ON PLEASE REPORT TO THE DAM COMMAND CENTER!

Anonymous said...

MLK Day was good. I dreamed my wife granted me the "Threesome Wish" and I picked Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey.

She was pissed.

We let The Big O be the foundation for our JungleLove flavored Epic SexyTimes.

bk jimmy said...

Big Charlie,

A Rob Ford tattoo would have to be changed to "Making the Laws," but then covered over with "Appealing the Rulings."

bk jimmy said...

Not sure why Levi was fired from his team for the doping admission. After all he was just doing the 'mega-pharma-quickstep.

McFly said...

Mob Commie.
Tom Cruise is a spectacular choice, L Ron's testes where surgically implanted into his scranus 13 years ago. So between him and L.A. they have 5 nutz which will be impossible to resist or deny.

McAnonymous said...

I think the "McFly" handle is the new "Cipo".....

I am honored.

babble on said...

Here! Present! Fully accounted for! (ish... does a few cards shy of a deck count?)

McFly, my maths suck. Can you draw a picture please?

Comment Deleted... It is pretty here, isn't it? But that video? Yawwwwwwn. Now if I had videoed the Fetish night party following Taboo, that would have been something!

DB said...

Guess I should consider having my 98 Festina Team tattoo covered up.

Jimboner said...

Hell Bent for Lobster!

ge said...

98 Festina? Isn't that the car David Byrne doesn't own? OMG, you're that DB?!?!

leroy said...

Do they allow dogs at JACKSON twenty-one?

I'm not asking for me. I'm asking for a friend.

And only because it's so close to Six Flags.

Personally, you can't pay me enough to get on a roller coaster, but my dog loves them.

Burt 531 said...

So is Velo News owned by Fox or something?

Anonymous said...

Testimonial: Bike Snob lube works great on unicycle chains too.

1295ocuminu

Really?

leroy said...

Well now this is odd.

I have to disagree with Bab's comment at 12:19.

Sex is like riding a bike because it doesn't matter if you wind up on your back with your legs flailing in the air.

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm not going to get MY "Lance" tattoo desecrated like that other guy did. I'll just add a subtle *footnote*, like: "Live Strong!" [asterisk* "through moderate doping"]. Also, I'm cancelling my subscription to Oprah's magazine.

leroy said...

Or was I thinking of cyclocross because it often invovles beer?

Anonymous said...

WRM,

I think Bret is telling you to hire Mack Solicitors to sue that Alexandra George chick for trademark infringement.

Ask for a case of your eponymous lube!


370sededomi? Not in public!

Billy said...

How is this suburb any different from any other built in central Jersey in the last 60 years? And by nice people he means white people, clearly. Which again is no different.

Billy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Snob,

I just read your new piece in Bicyclecycling Magazining and I must say this is my favorite prose ever:
chillingly spectral waterboarding of the soul."

Brilliant!

Everyone, go read it now.

Immanuel Cunt said...

Yes, but who´s to say that Lance or Rob or Letle Viride aren´t virtuous, just because they inserted foreign materials into their body in a dare to explore the inner/outer reaches, to reach their ends, to pursue happiness?
Not a robot, just a slightly drunk human.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Must say your ink guy does good work. But it looks like Robs Halfords is farting musical notes on your epic revision.

Friendo said...

SHAV ECAT
UGLY TATT
NICE PEPL

CommieCanuck said...

Hey Snob, who's your Tat artist? Manti Te'o needs his "Lennay4ever" scrotal tattoo changed to "Heismannever".

vantage said...

hey RCT

So now yer all "...No time for asinine podium racing."

Cognitive dissonance much ?

Wrlian 2

or Whirlin' too ? I bet that's what Babs does in a hammock.

CommieCanuck said...

"So is Velo News owned by Fox or something?"

VeloNews makes Faux News look like the Economist. I stopped reading after their celebrity "wrench" Nick Legan actually wrote in words that Cavendish had "pre-won" a big race by choosing a helment with the vents blocked up.
Spends more, go faster, right Nick.

C3PO said...

As well as being fluent in over six million forms of communication I also possess optical sensors and two manual keyboard manipulators.

Your rudimentary captcha security is laughable.

2500 ifonedbu

P. Bateman said...

the audio captcha is simply terrifying. It said: BikeSnob is going to kill you. DIE.DIE.DIE.

i think that is pretty strange.

also, great work on that bicycleeen magazine dot com artical. it was prettie inspired work.

bikesgonewild said...

...mikeweb...your dichotomy just increased exponentially, ya ???...

...stay in brooklyn, become an isles fan when they move into 'big rust' which is like 46.37 seconds from your door OR being a nice & creative person, move to jersey into the 'nice development' & be 98.74 seconds from your faved hellacious devils...

...islanders are a fallen but storied franchise & will likely get a $$$ injection once in the new barn (bloomberg will likely insist)...the devils have remained a top-ish team for years now...

...no pressure, bud but the angst factor goes up, ya ???...

mikeweb said...

bgw,

You're making my head hurt even more.

One thing though: no way I'm moving to Jersey. Famous last words...

bikesgonewild said...

...& mikeweb (again)...re: the san francisco 49-ers...

...i hope they win it all, now, (to be unprecedented with 6 appearances & 6 victories) whilst having played the season in sf because in 2015 they will be sf's team in name only...

...as the santa clara 49-ers, i shan't have the interest i once & now have...football is gonna be a 'meh' sport...

...guess all my interest will go into hockey & a sport of honest athletic endeavor like cycling...

...bwahahahaha !!!...sheesh - i feel like leroy's dog...always going for the cheap laugh...

bikesgonewild said...

...hey...ice-t & snooky...

...what's not to like ???...

S.K. said...

The Force is strong with BK Jimmy.

babble on said...

Leroy - at least we agree that sex is like riding a bike...

Mayor 'For All Eternity' Bloomdouche' said...

I hereby ban all multi gear bicycles from the greater NYC area. These multi geared machines tempt the rider to break the law! Breaking the law by running red lights and running stop signs. Only single gear, fixies I am told they are known as will be allowed in the metropoitard area and it is my sincerest hope that State gov't will follow my lead re this issue.

Also all recumbent bikes are immediately banned as they are to sexually suggestive.

My study committee which consists mainly of people knowledgeable in the bike world their being bike messengers earning their living riding the machine suggest that we also do away with bicycle brakes as they are a definate safety hazard.

Coll Game said...

Hello,
I have been searching for this information and finally found it. Thanks!
Sorry if my comments are less pleasing
Coll Game

Anonymous said...

JUDAS FUCKING PRIEST!!!

Anonymous said...

BGW-
Lotsa teams are so monikered, as stadiums are moved further from fancy downtowns. Don't sweat it so.

Anonymous said...

Call game was the first to make it.

He´s like the race-winning spermatozoid

urchin said...

I was summoned?

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 7:54pm...therein lies the seeds of an arguement i have firmly refuted many times over...

...what you're saying is absolutely correct in one sense BUT i suggest comparing where any number of those teams have moved out to...(i know...don't end a sentence in a preposition...but my sentence was a proposition)...

...google map santa clara & you'll note that it is essentially san jose...san jose is, in & of itself, a burgeoning major city searching for it's own identity
& although there are those who'd dispute that status, it definitely is...

...therein lies my upset & angst...

...cowboys new stadium in arlington ???...15 miles from downtown...49-ers new stadium in santa clara ???...'bout 40 miles from downtown sf...

...most irksome is the fact that our old heroes eddy dibartolo & joe montana lobbied hard for santa clara so that they could get the sweetheart deal to build a hotel, shopping complex which wasn't going to happen in 'the city'...

...just sayin'...

Duhhhhg said...

I hate nice people.First motherfuckers to run your ass over,given half a chance.The fucks.

Pery Pervison said...

Yo Babble what's the tensile strength on that Doggystyle Ass Control Harness? It's all fun and games until you experience strap failure and things are errantly thrusted where they are not supposed to go.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

WCRM: I know you are a fine cheese aficionado so you may have heard the news but if not I thought it important that you be made aware.

Giant Goat Cheese fire

Your Brother in Cheese,
rct

1225 ndditit

babble on said...

Dear Pervy...

IIIIII know, right??! As long as it's strong enough for the man to do as RCT suggested and arm curl his way to curling my toes, it just doesn't matter.

There is no place the man isn't welcome. It's just a question of whether he can squeeze it in.

TMI, fer sure, but you asked.

Oh. And urintyfo 3729

Brett said...

That bike snob bottle is pretty awesome actually. Accuracy or not, it's really clever!

Mark Vanveenendaal said...

I'm riding from San Francisco to Santa Cruz next month to raise money for the Cycles of Change program in Oakland. Please visit my page and make a donation, last year the Bike -Go -Round gave 200 bikes to residents.

http://www.razoo.com/story/Mark-Van-Fundraising-For-Bike-Down-Benefit-Ride

Mark Vanveenendaal said...

I'm riding from San Francisco to Santa Cruz next month to raise money for the Cycles of Change program in Oakland. Please visit my page and make a donation, last year the Bike -Go -Round gave 200 bikes to residents.

http://www.razoo.com/story/Mark-Van-Fundraising-For-Bike-Down-Benefit-Ride

Anonymous said...

dear bikesnob
is there any chance you could make your blog a bit wider? my finger gets tired from all the scrolling

Harga Printer said...

Nice Tatoos... Very Like